Yesterday I was with my sister and she so casually mentioned that her husband and her were in the shower together the other day as part of a story and it sounded like it was just a totally normal occurrence and it just smacked me in the face how normal it is for other people to be intimately comfortable with their spouse and when contrasting that with my marriage it took a lot of effort to not show how much it affected me. Then later on, I was cooking dinner and a criminal minds episode was on and Will says something like “testosterone will make a man follow a woman to Thailand barefoot, that’s just the way it is” and I guess because I was already a little thrown off and sensitive from earlier, that line just got to me. My husband just has no desire for me whatsoever. We’re 30 and 31, no kids, similar schedules, healthy. His testosterone is fine. But I’m lucky if we have sex that lasts about 5 minutes once a month. We kiss maybe once a month outside of sex and hug maybe 2 or 3 times a month. No other touching unless it’s me touching him, he never reaches for my hand or puts his arm around me. I love him, I just am so desperate to feel wanted and desired by him. It’s always been like this, for the last 10.5 of our 11 years together. Getting married didn’t even temporarily increase anything. I guess I keep hoping I’ll just get used to it and not want for more. Guess I’ll keep hoping.

I am tired of trying. I am tired of the effort. I think I give up. After a recent attempt, I think something in me broke. I no longer want to try anymore. I don’t want to put in the effort to be affectionate. I think my wife senses that. Today I walked into be bedroom and she was laying the completely naked. I would normally jump on her or at least walked over to caress her. But today I truly didn’t have an urge to, I just asked her what’s going on. It’s be a few weeks, and I have not gotten hard around her. It makes me sad.

I’m sure this has been posted before. I know I’m not special. I don’t know what else to say. She makes me feel like a teenager again. The only thing I look forward to each day is sitting close to her in the office. Not to sound creepy but I sneak looks, listen to her, and secretly hope she messages me or asks me for help when she needs it as she’s done in the past.

To get a bit more personal; I’ve been so depressed and lonely the last couple of years, almost to the point of actually committing the act. I’m still married obviously. It doesn’t help that she’s threatened divorce multiple times when my depression gets the better of me and I can’t do chores alone.

When I’m alone I’m thinking of her. I’ve thought about her when touching myself. She knows I’m married. I don’t know her status. It’s gotten to the point where I want to ask her out but know it’s wrong. I know these thoughts and actions are wrong. I can’t help myself.

The wife obviously has no idea and I’m keeping it that way. This is my first admission. Couple counseling won’t help and I don’t have an actual therapist anymore. Just someone who prescribes meds as needed. Not looking for validation or advice. I just wanted to finally get this out into the world.

It breaks my heart that I cannot picture what my boyfriend’s naked body looks like. Not only is there no sex but he doesn’t walk around shirtless or change in front of me anymore either. Probably pretty silly to feel this way but I miss his body so much 💔

The sexual issues have been here for 2/3 years or so, we've been together since 2021 more or less, I've lurked this sub for like a year now but never posted before so I thought I might give it a chance today since I have no one to talk to about this who would understand me.

When the issues arised I assumed it had to do with living with his parents and such and having to time when we could be alone, back then I was still going to college and such and well, life seemed normal, although his libido was always low oddly enough, I suspect it might have to do with his neurodivergence or depression, either way he's not formally diagnosed but he refuses to seek therapy because in his words "it won't work" or "it's a waste of time", well fast forward to last year, we haven't had actual PIV sex in way over a year maybe, the last months in which we had intimacy it was him giving me oral which is nice... until you realize that's all you'll ever get and you have to initiateevery single time, I talked and talked and TALKED for months and months but he never got why I needed something more or he just was afraid to go back to being intimate?? ...I have no clue, I'm grasping at straws here as to what he was thinking about back then, and this year when I stopped initiating everything just stopped, nothing, not even once did he initiate out of his own volition, it's saddening, but I made peace with it and gave him even more time to sort his own issues out and such maybe...

Well, out of the blue today somehow we got to talking about the topic and (after a lot of grieving it months ago) it was natural for me to say that well my libido is basically non existent now and I feel turned off in general in that aspect, I was not blunt to him obviously but being more direct here, guys it's just not there anymore, I have no desire for him at the moment in a sexual sense, it's the first time in my life my libido is this low, I've always been a HL female and well, it disappeared eventually... he just couldn't get it, I don't understand if he was going to just expect for me to wait for him forever without consequences that are natural to a damn human?? What did he think was going to happen?? He suddenly became worried and apparently finally understood why I begged for him to talk about his hair loss treatment pills with his dermatologist over a year ago or get into therapy or even why I asked so many times what he likes, what he enjoys, anything and everything, hell I don't even think he remembers it all, but I fucking do.... It's so bullshit, he then says "but what happens if I recover my libido now 😮" WELL YOU FUCKING WAIT LIKE I DID FOR SO LONG WHAT DO YOU THINK JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IS HE UNABLE TO RELATE TO SOMEONE ELSE GOD HE ONLY GETS WORRIED NOW WHEN THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY WTF MAN...

Ahem, feel free to let me know what you think, I'm looking for a remote job right now since I'm unable to work on site due to back issues (that were never an issue to my libido at all mind you), I know it's hard to deal with a health situation at this age but it's not like I'm unable to move around or anything hell he doesn't do anything extra a normal couple wouldn't, if anything I've minimized my needs to not bother anyone in this house, I'm so fucking tired.

I’m HL, married for 12 years.

For years, it was once every 2–3 months, and even then, 99% of it was maintenance sex. Now, I let my LL wife initiate, and the sex is actually good!

She initiates whenever she feels like it—for example, late at night or right before a workday/school day. Once, she even initiated while on her period, which had never happened before... For instance, she has to wake up early to get the kids ready for school, but last night we were having sex until 1 AM!

The thing is, I didn't do anything special. I'm just continuing to try to be a good husband and father. I really don't know what caused this change.

(And for anyone going to tell me she's cheating: she isn't. I've already checked everything.)

Maybe one thing had changed is that I completely gave up, I now no more show my frustration or be "pouty" as she says and just continue to take care of my family...
Honestly I'm still frustrated but I see this as a small victory, I'll not have a partner which who I'll have sex every day or week but at least I know she enjoys our monthly sex

So me (HLM 44) and the mrs (LLF 49) are carrying on a few nights ago, few drinks, talking gibber gabber to each other and having something of a general laugh and she says something that really kicks me in the feels, "we could have sex more if you initiated a bit more".....

Like ok, I know we have sex pretty much anytime you initiate and this is for a number of reasons..

1. ANYTIME I try to initiate it gets shot down.

2. Your working/focused on work (which includes working through lunch)

3. You dont want to do it when the kid is out with their friends cause they could come in at any moment.

4. Your going through life changes which usually means your too tired/sore (genuinely can see/hear/feel it) and end up in bed looonnng before me.

5. The kid doesn't sleep so can't do anything in the evening while shes awake and in the house (which i agree with)

6.you've told me I need to get you in the mood, but have also told me that can take a bit of time. But your already too tired by the time you go to bed so when exactly and how should I start trying to get you in the mood?

1. I told you AGES ago that I wouldn't initiate anymore other than playfulness to see if anything will happen but not really holding out any real expectations (Reason I dont initiate anymore is after we have sex, I try to get it on again pretty much when we can. Let's keep it going, but get shot down "you get it once and want it all the time now" or "ill let you initiate so im not pressuring you and we know we'll both be in the right mind place to get it on".

So with everything above how and when should I initiate cause at this point, I honestly dont remember HOW to initiate without being blunt about it and saying "let's go to bed", not as subtle as your, "i WAS in the mood LAST NIGHT but you never noticed"

My husband (36m) and I (23f) have been in a DB for 3 years. We’ve tried lots of different things yet nothing seems to help.!

Right now we are at scheduling sex, which was his idea and previously already tried with little success. Anywho, we couldn’t even make it through one week without that going out the window. We haven’t had sex in 6 months, but we had other sexual relations a month ago.

Another thing is we scheduled Biweekly talks to sit down and talk about anything, not strictly bedroom related. I put it on the calendar, I reminded him multiple times, yet it was suppose to be 2 days ago and hasn’t happened.

As I reflect, I’ve come to the realization that I’ll never be happy with this situation. In my ideal relationship, my spouse desires me, can’t keep their hands off me, etc. during our last talk I asked him if he still found me attractive, he said yes. I pressed further, do you get turned on when I’m naked? “Not really” was his response. Do you think about me sexually at all? “No” This all hurt a lot. Though I’m glad he was honest with me.

So you find me attractive but no point in your day do you think of me sexually? I know attractiveness can mean differently for him. I don’t understand how he can find me attractive yet not sexually interested in me? Especially since he was very sexually interested before?

No matter what I won’t be happy, because it will always be me initiating, me always wondering if he’s actually enjoying this or only for my sake. I’ll forever live in questioning and anxiety.

I’m not sure what to do since we have a child under 1 together.

Im getting a chest tattoo in two weeks for my birthday, im taking bets on how long until my partner finds out about it as i haven't told her and dont plan to.

She doesn't shower with me, doesnt like skin on skin contact and obviously is LL, so theres no reason she will see me shirtless anytime soon. Im thinking it will be two months until she notices it.

First post so please excuse me not knowing all the abbreviations. If HLM is higher libido man, that's me. Since our daughter was born (around 11 years ago) my wife's libido has reduced hugely. There was no trauma around that, there are no relationship issues. We find each other attractive and when we do have sex, it's great! (like, really great!) Our relationship feels pretty perfect outside of the bedroom but we're on this never ending cycle of 2-3 weeks passing by, me getting frustrated or grumpy, wife notices my mood change and it prompts her to take action.

I appreciate that this is higher frequency than a lot of people here (so maybe I should be grateful for that). But the crux of my frustration is that I want to feel desired, I want there to be some spontaneity, and for her to 'want' sex rather than it being something she doesn't really think about until she notices my frustration coming through. She's usually horny the day after we've had sex and sometimes initiates at that point but it's almost like she forgets about it for the next couple of weeks and the cycle starts again.

I have tried everything.... Talking openly about my feelings, asking if there's anything more/different I can do, encouraging her to explore her sexuality alone, etc. She always just insists there's not a problem and she'll try harder to focus on that side of our relationship and then nothing changes so I'm in this constant loop and the most hurtful thing is that it feels like she doesn't care how it makes me feel (because she has told me 100 times that she's going to make more effort and never does so it feels very dismissive)

At the stage now in our 40s that I don't hold out much hope that the spark will ever come back so it's quite depressing to think this is just what I have to accept and prepare for it becoming less and less frequent as we get older.

Hey guys,

Long story short, I’ve (29m) had to ask my wife (31f) over the years to start complimenting me, to touch me and to initiate any sort of intimacy with me. She would also reject 90% of advances for years. She does compliment and touch me now, but it feels very friendly, it’s never sexual and still has only initiated maybe 10 times in our 12 year relationship.

For the last few years I’ve been able to bring myself to attempt seducing her maybe once a month at most and I don’t even feel good about it after. I feel guilt for trying.

Anyway, I was at a work party and a coworker from another department came onto me, I entertained it more than I should have because someone showing interest in me sexually was exhilarating. I didn’t let anything happen obviously but it made me realise that I’m not broken and I deserve to feel like that.

I’ve told my wife that I don’t know if I can stay in this relationship anymore because of how it’s making me feel about myself. We’re going to counselling and trying to figure it out, but all romantic and intimate aspects of our relationship have paused.

My problem is since then I’ve been feeling very very anxious and even struggling to get or maintain erections.

Looking for if this is normal and if anyone has been through something similar, thank you

I (20F) have been with my girlfriend (22MtF) for a year and a half, and in that time I think I have never felt less wanted in my whole life. She is the picture perfect partner in every sense of the word. Kind. Attentive. Loving. I love every part of her and more and see a future with her. Our only problem is that we can go a month or more without sex. I have a high sex drive, she...supposedly does too? And yet, when I initiate, she almost always rejects me. She, on the other end, has never initiated. I dont even know what to do anymore. I already have body issues, but when I come home, make myself pretty and still get no reaction from her, it hurts so much. She is not asexual, I asked. In fact, she supposedly has many kinks. But when it comes to intimacy together it's another story.

My last relationship, my ex boyfriend told me "When we have sex I would rather be anywhere else" and that has haunted me. Couple months ago, she said that exact same sentence. Same words. Same tone. I broke and I dont know if Ill ever be back to where I was. I love her so much and yet this feels like such a special kind of torture that it is almost comical. I think the worst part is the humiliation. I ask for it, hell, almost beg for it. And yet all I get back is a joke about how needy I am or being let down slowly. I dont know how to navigate the loneliness anymore. I know any logical person would end it, but we live together and every other aspect of this relationship is literaly PERFECT. I dont want to lose her and I cant bear not being in her life, but Im so tired of feeling like an afterthought in my own relationship

I keep asking for more intimacy, more affection. But, when the time comes that we could be intimate I find myself praying that he stays consistent and doesn’t touch me. I am confusing to myself because I’ll send him spicy nudes and texts (that I know he’ll ignore or just send “nice”) to get his attention. But when push comes to shove I really hope he doesn’t touch me. I think I like the idea of sex and I love him but truthfully, he makes me uncomfortable in the bedroom and never gets me off.

Of the most recent, when I initiate, he rejects the advances causing me to feel even more self conscious. I used to be the one that initiated every time but he says HE was the one to initiate. It sounds silly but it REALLY would piss me off so I stopped and now it’s been months. We really only have sex if both of us are plastered drunk (which obviously doesn’t happen a lot).
I’m confusing and I’m confused and I want to have sex but it seems as if my body is revolting against me.

What say you? Advice to help change my energy or am I a lost cause?

I wasn't sure if I would qualify for db because it seems this is usually for married couples. But we've been together a year, and things have actually gotten worse, and I dont know who to talk to.

Mind you, I'm a divorcee from a 10 year, DB marriage. Keep that in mind.

When my bf and I met, I warned him multiple times I was HL, and he said it was okay. I assumed okay meant, we would mesh in drives. Wrong. In fact, it's almost as if his drive has decreased from when we met, which is very odd. He is in remission from UC, eats very healthy, goes to the gym. His testosterone level is healthy also (labs current, this year). It leaves me stumped.

It isn't for lack of trying on my part either. I've had many sit-downs conversations with him expressing how important intimacy is for me. I've expressed we can do alternative things like he help me, no penetration, or just heavy petting with make out. Something. But no. I have also asked if he would try to at least talk a little more sexual or explicit in text, like when I send him a nudes. No. He just replies "I like it." :( One time, I was wearing lingerie, had him find me in the dark, we kissed for a bit... soft. How? I've cried so many times about this. It eats me up badly. We see each other every weekend, sometimes every other, and I'm always to pent-up. But I'm at a point I dont even want to help myself because I feel gross, undesirable, pitiful. But I'm also at a point that I'm done trying. I'm at a point that if he asks me, I'll turn him down. Because it's a loop. He'll ask, we have amazing sex, then a couple weeks of nothing again. That is like taunting a dog with treats, in my own opinion, that's how I feel in my head.

I guess this is also like a vent. Because besides intimacy, he is the best man I've ever been with. We even talk about moving out together, getting married, a whole future. I want that with him. But trying to neglect and "kill" my sexual side is very depressing. I hardly want to even type this.

He has told me a few times before that I am beautiful or pretty.. But I could count that on one hand, and we've been together a year. Hes never been a big texter, and could go almost a whole day not texting me. It's everything together that makes me feel so depressed.

Hi guys,

My boyfriend and I (both in our early 20s) have been together for 3 years. At first, everything was amazing. We met on a dating app when neither of us was looking for anything serious, but we eventually got together because we felt a strong, almost soulmate-like connection. We could talk for hours without getting bored, and our sex life was amazing. I had a really high libido and craved him all the time.

Things started going downhill about a year ago when we started university. I continued studying, but he struggled and eventually dropped out. He spent a long time doing nothing, sleeping all day and helping out his family . During that time, our sex life went from almost every time we met to once a week, sometimes once every two weeks.

The frequency wasn’t necessarily the problem. It was how sex felt. He stopped being affectionate and intimate. He would tell me to undress, touch me a little, make sure I orgasmed, then have sex with me for five minutes in one position. No aftercare, no intimacy, nothing. It started feeling like a chore rather than something we both wanted.

I understood that he was struggling with his self-esteem after dropping out and feeling like a failure. I tried to support him, reassure him and motivate him to find a job, but things didn’t really change.

Meanwhile, I have a job alongside university and had my own flat. Eventually, I moved in with him and his parents so we could spend more time together, especially after he finally found a job.

But somewhere along the way, my libido completely disappeared. I don’t want to initiate sex anymore, I feel awkward when he touches me, I can’t get wet, and sometimes I even cry during sex. We’ve talked about this countless times. He always apologizes and tells me I should initiate more, but I just can’t. I feel undesired, and initiating sex makes me feel desperate rather than wanted.

Now he works from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m., and we barely spend any quality time together. We talk for about 20 minutes, eat, shower, and then he goes to sleep while I lie in bed crying, feeling like I don’t even have a partner anymore.
I love him and genuinely don’t want to break up, but I’m starting to feel lonely even when we’re together. I know work and adult life can be exhausting, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Can a relationship recover from this, or have we reached a point where love isn’t enough anymore? What would you do in my situation?

Hi all, I’m new here but thought I could use some advice. My gf and I both 26 have been together for 4 years. We’re had a pretty rocky relationship tbh, since at the start of ours I was recently out of another long term relationship and her having severe mental health issues. Important to note, her mental health situation has increasingly gotten worse and she refuses to properly manage it more often resulting in lashing out drunk (verbal and sometimes physical abuse). I’ve always been a very physical person, and have expressed the importance of that connection in our relationship which seems to be ignored. I’m definitely not selfish in the bedroom and prioritise my partners satisfaction which again she seems to have no interest even unreciprocated. I’ve tried several things to spice things up and nothing seems to work. It’s getting to the point where the addition of all her baggage plus my own stresses plus relationship stresses it’s not really worth holding onto if nothing changes. We go months with nothing and when we do I’m doing 100% of the work there’s little to no enthusiasm. I attempt to initiate almost daily and get ignore or pushed away, which makes me feel gross for even trying anymore. I love him more than anything but I am exhausted and so self conscious. I spend half of my waking hours considering whether to dip out and find that connection elsewhere or if there is just something wrong with me specifically. Any advice?

(Re-post to match guidelines. Thanks mods!🫡)

I've been married for 2+ years. For context, I'm Muslim, so there was no dating. I met my wife on a Muslim marriage app after a long search. Near the end of getting to know each other, I asked whether she'd had weight loss surgery, and she said yes.

That mattered to me because it was always a personal preference of mine. Not a judgment on anyone who's had it, just something I knew I might struggle with. But she's a genuinely wonderful partner, our families love each other, and I'd prayed to be guided to the right person. So I told myself it was a small thing and set it aside.

Early on, I noticed I wasn't physically attracted to some of the changes that come with that surgery. I felt shallow for even thinking it, so I said nothing. I started keeping the lights off, which helped a little, but it felt like I was just hiding the problem from myself.

The first year was a slow decline. The second year, worse. Sex started to feel like a job I was showing up for and trying my best at. Eventually I needed to fantasize or think about something else just to finish. Now I've reached the point where I can't finish at all. It's like my body has quit on forcing it.

Looking back, I acted like I was enjoying it because I thought it would fix itself. I've been fooling myself this whole time, and she has no idea.

Has anyone been in a similar place, where the attraction issue was there from the start and you ignored it? Is there a way back from this, and how do I even begin to talk to her about it without crushing her?