r/DeadBedrooms • u/BadGal27 HLF • 3h ago
Seeking Advice Breaking up because of a BD
After a year and a half of dating, I (34F) am giving it one more year. Even writing that, I’m not sure I’d actually pull the plug. But I need to do something.
My boyfriend (40M) has never made love or initiated it for the entirety of our relationship. We’ve had countless, seemingly genuine conversations about why and if it can improve. He’s not on board for a therapist. Is on board for medication but hasn’t done anything towards actually seeing a doctor, downloading an app, or even researching it.
I don’t like the idea of leaving him- I truly thought he was my person. He’s become a wonderful stepfather to my child. Holds so much empathy and softness for me. We share a strong companionship. But I just don’t know if I can live my life without any sort of intimacy. And instead of starting more and more conversations about it (that he always has the same answers for) and without seeing any effort whatsoever from him. I’ve realized I need to either be okay with that, or move on.
P.s. I’ve decided to see a therapist myself even if he won’t go with me.
Has anyone here broke up because of their BD? If so, what was the outcome for you? Good? Bad? What it worth it, if the rest of the relationship in itself was good, but solely lacking intimacy? Do you regret it?
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u/RosemaryLemonPanic It’s complicated 2h ago
I have it “one year” 20 years ago. Then again 17 years ago. Then again 11 years ago. Then again 3 years ago. Then again last year.
Not really an effective tactic in my experience.
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u/Classic_Regular_5812 M - Recovered DB 2h ago
OP. Here is a perspective but please bear in mind I do not the full context of your situation.
Some people are by nature HL or LL. It is could well be the cause of it is who she is and it is probably futile trying to change someone if it is their nature.
Libido compatibility is only one aspect of the overall relationship. For some it may be the most important aspect, and it is a showstopper. For others, everything else good adds up to outweigh the libido mismatch.
I guess in your situation, is the statement true? Ie. “Everything else good in the relationship adds up to outweigh the libido mismatch”. If that is the case and you two still love each other than acceptance and cherish what you both have in the relationship is the most logical way forward. You may not have seen it much in general news, they are plenty happy relationships where sexual intimacy is not the top priority.
Before you reach either an “acceptance” or “leave” decision, It pays to rule out if there are any underlying relationships/health issues causing low libido. Some examples are:
1) Mental health and SSRI. SSRI are known to kill libido
2) Stresses : work or other family stresses
3) Low T -a hormonal imbalance issue.
Ultimately the decision is yours. Follow you heart.
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u/QuietLonging291 HLM 2h ago
I reached a point where I decided I no longer wanted to be my LLF romantic partner. I'm willing to continue living with her as a friend and co-parent, but I can't keep chasing intimacy that isn't wanted. For her, very little would change because sex and physical intimacy were never something she actively wanted. For me, it means I no longer have to live with the constant cycle of hope and rejection.
My preference would be to remain friends and continue raising our children together under the same roof. But if that's not something she wants, then I'll leave. It would mean losing almost everything I've built and starting over from scratch, but I've come to realise that living without rejection is worth more to me than staying in a relationship where I no longer feel wanted.
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After a year and a half of dating, I (34F) am giving it one more year. Even writing that, I’m not sure I’d actually pull the plug. But I need to do something.
My boyfriend (40M) has never made love or initiated it for the entirety of our relationship. We’ve had countless, seemingly genuine conversations about why and if it can improve. He’s not on board for a therapist. Is on board for medication but hasn’t done anything towards actually seeing a doctor, downloading an app, or even researching it.
I don’t like the idea of leaving him- I truly thought he was my person. He’s become a wonderful stepfather to my child. Holds so much empathy and softness for me. We share a strong companionship. But I just don’t know if I can live my life without any sort of intimacy. And instead of starting more and more conversations about it (that he always has the same answers for) and without seeing any effort whatsoever from him. I’ve realized I need to either be okay with that, or move on.
P.s. I’ve decided to see a therapist myself even if he won’t go with me.
Has anyone here broke up because of their BD? If so, what was the outcome for you? Good? Bad? What it worth it, if the rest of the relationship in itself was good, but solely lacking intimacy? Do you regret it?
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u/AffectionateJump6669 HLM 2h ago
I did. No regrets. My wife, the woman I adored and would take a bullet for, decided two years into the marriage that she was going to be too tired, or not feeling well for three years. I didn't sign up for only part of a marriage. Right before leaving I remember her coming into my office and sitting on my lap and for the first time initiated anything... ever.
I said "what are doing?"
She said she wanted to make love
I said "I thought you never wanted to?
She replied "I didn't mean forever"
I wish I would have left within the first six months. She was a sweet friend and I broke her heart. I'm pretty sure when she tells what a villian I am she probably leaves out the part where she decided never fucking her husband and making him feel like dick for even trying, never comes up. I'll let her have her win.
Don't hesitate, leave. I'm having no sex now because I'm single. But I also don't feel like I'm a nuisance.
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u/BadGal27 HLF 3h ago
Also, I just realized my typos.
DB not BD
(Sorry, long week at work and so tired)