r/AutismInWomen • • Sep 09 '24

Mod Post How Reddit Works: Sitewide Rules, Mods vs Admins, and other Important Info & Links

25 Upvotes

Reposted to make title clearer since titles cannot be edited on Reddit.

Reminder: DO NOT POST OR COMMENT CALLOUTS FOR OTHER SUBREDDITS OR USERS. This breaks Rule 1 of Reddit Rules and we cannot allow subreddit callouts per Rule 3 of Reddit’s Mod Code of Conduct. No matter how we feel about these rules, we are all still bound to follow them. Reddit Admins can and do punish mods and users equally for sitewide rule infractions aka violating Reddit Content Policy.

Scroll down for links to Reddit Rules, the admin definition of brigading, Mod Code of Conduct, and the Redditor Help Center.


It has come to our attention that outside of the basics (voting, how to report, posting/commenting), many people are still in the dark as to how exactly Reddit works.

Firstly, moderators, like us, only have power (a limited scope at that) and jurisdiction over the subreddits we mod and what happens on them. We cannot do anything about what happens outside of here. We don’t have a direct line of access to Reddit Admins, who control and oversee the site as a whole. In fact, we can only do the same things y’all can do in trying to get their attention on things: report it and wait. We, like you, often don’t get responses from admins regarding their decisions or even if they have viewed any reports we send in. We are the same in that capacity. Subreddit bans only prevent people from posting and commenting on the subreddit they were banned in for however long the ban is for. You can still vote in and view subreddits you are banned in. We can’t even see who reports what.

Also, if you don't report it, we don't see it. This subreddit is large. Please report things that you think break our rules, Reddit Rules, or you just want us to look at because it's iffy.

Admins are like gods of Reddit. They oversee all; they can see who votes what, who views what, who reports what, everything. They can suspend people from the website as a whole which prohibits someone from posting, commenting, and even voting on the entirety of Reddit for however long said suspension lasts. They can even suspend specific IP addresses from users who keep making accounts and breaking Reddit sitewide rules.

Here’s an analogy: Reddit Admins are the Roman Gods and we moderators are like members of the Roman Senate or mayors of towns. Members of the Roman Senate don’t have a direct link or direct way to communicate to the Roman Gods; they have to make offerings and prayers just like everyone else to try to catch their attention. It’s the same here. All we mods can do is make reports just like you all and hope someone looks at it. We can do nothing about what happens to you outside of Rome (the subreddit). That’s up to the admins.

We are bound by the Reddit Mod Code of Conduct to nip any activity that breaks, or could be interpreted as breaking, Reddit’s site-wide rules in the bud. Due to this subreddit having been previously in trouble with admins because of the founder not doing these things and getting booted and admin putting us 3 in place as new mods over a year ago with the express statement of “we will be watching you closely”, we really don’t take any chances when it comes to people breaking Content Policy. We just can’t risk it because that means we could be actioned and the subreddit could be sanctioned or shut down. We prioritize the community as a whole over any personal feelings we or others might have; that’s just how it has to work for this community to thrive and survive.

The proper course of action for when something happens to you or you see something that breaks sitewide rules is to report it to the admins via www.reddit.com/report or via the offending content itself and wait. Trying to call others out publicly technically breaks Reddit Rules under the harassment rule no matter the reason, and like we said above, we can’t allow it due to the ramifications it can have on the subreddit as a whole even if we personally agree what happened was messed up and the other person should be held accountable in some way.

Moreover, do not create or use an alt account to participate in a subreddit you have been banned in on another account. Reddit tracks this and views it as ban evasion which is prohibited as it is community interference (you were banned which means they don’t want you participating there for whatever reason is outlined in your ban message). You should contact the mods on the account you were banned on to see if you can get unbanned by demonstrating accountability and understanding of how you broke the rules and a willingness to follow the rules.

---- Relevant Links ----

Reddit Rules: https://redditinc.com/policies/reddit-rules

What even IS brigading? (Rule 2 of Reddit Rules): https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/cmp9uy/comment/ew4lpf0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Mod Code of Conduct, so you all are aware of the rules we as mods have to follow as well: https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct

Redditor Help Center for any further questions: https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/p/redditor_help_center

--- Note ---

This post was made in response to the subreddit growing and us becoming more aware of the fact many people do not know these things and just assume moderators are also Admins of Reddit as a whole or have way more power than we actually do. We don’t. In the eyes of Admin, we are basically volunteer clean-up crew and are the same level of importance as a regular user on Reddit. We don’t get paid, we don’t get any extra benefits or anything either (as it should be imo, mod out of love for the community not because of anything else). Admins are employees of Reddit that get paid for working and only work on the clock then go do whatever they want off it. We moderate on and off all day; in between our actual jobs, chores, and life responsibilities. It is impossible for us to be online all the time and to be constantly scrolling the subreddit. I hope this helps clear some things up for anyone confused as to what the differences are between mods and Admins and provides people with a way to research more about how Reddit works on their own as well.

If you have any questions or anything you're still confused about please modmail us via the "message the mods" button on the sidebar and someone will answer it when they can.


r/AutismInWomen • • Sep 09 '24

Mod Post Internet Safety: Reporting Creepy DMs and Changing your User Settings to prevent unsolicited messages

65 Upvotes

It has come to our attention that there is an uptick of predatory lurkers sending private messages to members of this subreddit and people that participate here. Unfortunately, due to the fact we are moderators and not Reddit Admins, there is pretty much nothing we can do to stop it other than give you information and advice for how to report it and prevent it yourselves.

Most importantly, you should immediately block people who message you strange, creepy, or uncomfortable things and report them via www.reddit.com/report or via the DM itself. If you report via the web link, all you have to do is copy and paste the DM link as the Reddit Admins can see everything that happens on the site and have power and jurisdiction over everyone with an account on Reddit. We as subreddit moderators only have the power to ban people from the subreddit and banning them does not prevent them from being able to message people who participate here.

To report via the Chat itself: On PC/desktop, when you mouse over the chat message(s) there is a flag option. Click that and follow the reporting procedure. On the app, tap and hold on the message(s) to bring up the report option. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.

To report via the Message Inbox: On mobile, tap the 3 dots (ellipses) on the side of the message thread. There you can copy the link and report the whole message inbox thread via www.reddit.com/report. You can also report specific messages by going into the message thread and tapping and holding the specific message you want to report to see the option come up. On PC, you can just click the “Report” option that shows under each message in the thread. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.

Recommended: It is recommended that everyone that is a participating member here turn off the ability for other users to send them chats and message requests. You will still be able to send chat requests and message requests to others whose settings allow them. Other people that you have not whitelisted will not be able to send them to you. You can only whitelist people via PC/desktop but people who you already have open chats and messages with will be automatically whitelisted.

Turning off chats/message requests on PC: Click your avatar on the top right. From there, go to the settings option. Once there, go to the Privacy tab. First, slide the “Allow People to Follow You” button to be in the “Off” position where it is over to the left side otherwise people will be able to literally stalk you on Reddit. Next, click on “Who can send you inbox messages” and change it to “People I choose”. You can whitelist people who you want to allow to send you messages. This just stops randoms from being able to message you via the message inbox. Then, click on “Allow chat requests from” and change that to “Nobody”. Again, the whitelisted folks from before will still be able to chat with you or people who you already have an open chat with. I also recommend you switch off everything under the “Discoverability” section as people will also be able to search up your account directly unless you turn it off. Mine is off because I don’t see any non-weird reason why someone would want to search up my account.

Turning off chats/messages on the app: Tap on your avatar on the top right then tap on “Settings” shown at the bottom. From there, tap on your account name to go to the account settings. Scroll down until you see the “Safety” section. Tap on “Chat and messaging permissions”. Change both “Chat Requests” and “Direct Messages” to Nobody. You will still be able to message people who you already have open messages with and those whose settings allow for it; other people just won’t be able to message you unless you message them first. I also recommend you slide the “Allow people to follow you” option into the off position where the large white circle is to the left. Under privacy, I also recommend you swipe the “show up in search results” one to the off position as well. You can also customize your ad settings on this page as well to your preference.

That’s it. As a reminder, if someone messages you unsolicited, they are most likely seeking something from you other than genuine friendship and you should probably not respond. At the very least, go check out their Reddit profile and history. If it’s empty, block them. They are likely a troll, a creep, or someone with bad intent. Someone who genuinely wants to connect with you and be friends will have a history on Reddit that shows that they are a nice person. They will have comments on this subreddit and probably some other autism subreddits too. Their history will show them interacting with others on Reddit in good faith making genuine bids for human connection. If someone’s history indicates them trolling and getting into a lot of online conflicts, they are probably not someone you want to be talking to as they will, at the very least, be intensely draining to talk to, and at worst, be trolling and harassing you.


r/AutismInWomen • • 4h ago

Relationships The worst thing a woman can be is weird and unconventionally attractive, apparently.

194 Upvotes

I’m so tired of this. I got my diagnosis this year (at 25, 22 years after my brother was diagnosed) and it’s the same story over and over and over and over.

Boy sees girl. Boy thinks girl is attractive. Boy approaches girl, girl likes boy. Boy takes girl on dates, girl is receptive. Boy appreciates quirks. Boy tries to woo girl, girl slowly lets walls down.
Girl starts to unmask, boy gets disgusted. Boy leaves.

The unmasking in question? Opening up about my trauma in small bites, only when asked, because I’m scared. The trauma in question? A lifetime of being isolated and mistreated.

I know I’m quirky. I like things that other girls my age and in my area don’t usually like, but I’m not completely alone in those interests. I’m sick of having my quirks, the way I talk, the way I operate in relationships fetishized (anyone see those Hinge prompts of wanting an autistic girlfriend?) and then having the same men that pursue me in that, leave because of that exact thing.

I love hard, but that’s not to say I don’t do it cautiously. I don’t smother, I’m just… excited, I guess? I like love?

But I’d like to just erase it from my life. Even in my daydreams, I can’t imagine a happy relationship that lasts.

I’m in therapy, multiple, actually. I’m medicated. I’m trying. I get approached often, people in my clubs and cohorts often describe me as the model or the hot one. However, I’m not the busty blue-eyes blonde, much the opposite. I’m a slim, mid tone black woman with short hair. Women call me pretty, but men seem to go out of their way to other me, make it so I know I’m not the desired person. I’m an ‘exotic beauty’ or ‘pretty for a black girl’ or ‘an acquired taste’, but they’ll still ask me for my number.

And it disgusts me, because no matter how pretty I am, as soon as I start to share what’s inside, I have to slowly watch as they distance themselves or just resign to using me for sex.

I’m not even sure what this is about… I’m just so overwhelmed with it all.


r/AutismInWomen • • 5h ago

General Discussion/Question Did this man just body shame me?

91 Upvotes

Now I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed and I do struggle with social interactions but I’m pretty sure this guy at the gym just called me fat.
I’m at the gym and this guys comes up to me and say
“Stay consistent.” And I was like “huh?” And he goes “stay consistent. I’m glad to see you in here.”
And I was confused so
I just said “haha yeah thanks.” And then he says
“You’ll get there one day.” ???????
Did this dude just politely call me fat?

EDIT: sorry I should have prefaced this post with saying I am not a larger bodied Individual. I would consider myself to present as very fit.


r/AutismInWomen • • 10h ago

Special Interest Hyper fixation on Protein bars

Post image
178 Upvotes

I tried a protein bar onces 2 months ago and now I’m hyper fixated on it I started hordering protein bars I legit dreamed already 7 times abt protein bars in these past 2 months and I minimum eat one a day before this I only had a hyper fixation on heights my whole life

Update I did not expect to share this hyper fixation with so much people =͟͟͞͞(꒪ᗜ꒪ ‧̣̥̇)


r/AutismInWomen • • 12h ago

General Discussion/Question I hate how fucking isolating autism is

203 Upvotes

Marking this as discussion because I don't necessarily need comfort; just want to hear about others' experiences

Since I was a child as young as 3, I've always found it difficult to mesh with other people. I'd sit on my own and make beaded necklaces while other kids would sit in a circle and read together. While we had sing-alongs, I refused to hold hands or get close to anyone

Then everything got even more confusing and dizzying in primary school, because suddenly, it wasn't just "all the children". Now it was divided into "boys" and "girls"

Ya ever watched Mean Girls? Yea. It was like that. It was a mental warzone. You think a girl is your friend, but when you're gone she talks about your acne. She snickers when you sit down and your thighs squish together, because you don't have a thigh gap.

They all talk about "ooo what's your favorite colour?" It's a simple thing, but when you answer, they look at you funny, and continue as if you hadn't spoken a word

Because they know you're different. But what's different about you? You're like them. Just like any other girl. You like boba, glitter, plushies, you talk about boys you've got a crush on. And yet, you still feel so alien. If everyone's getting along, then... You must be the problem

You just need to try harder. So you pretend to like kpop, and you buy your first Black Pink photo card. You feel so excited because now you finally have something in common with the popular girls. But they never look at you, and that photo card collects dust in your glittery unicorn purse that's also collecting dust in your wardrobe

Some of the boys are still good to you, but the girls say you're male centered for it... and somehow you feel like this is proof that you're not woman enough

Now you're in a higher institute of learning, and everyone's already established their own little cliques

There are no more vacancies.somebody's already got their schoolbag on an empty chair, forget about it.

So you sit alone, and somehow, there's always a one-seat gap between you and the next person. You must be human repellant. But what are you doing wrong?

Somehow, you can talk to anyone and everyone, but nothing ever sticks. You will always wander alone because nobody even noticed you were there.


r/AutismInWomen • • 2h ago

General Discussion/Question Does anyone else struggle with video tutorials?

32 Upvotes

I’ve never been able to follow video tutorials well. I have no problem following written-out instructions with pictures. Give me a video? It’s a mess. I’m going at 0.25 speed, pausing every second, then going back because I did a step backwards because it’s still too fast for me to follow.

I’m wondering if anyone else feels this way too!


r/AutismInWomen • • 1h ago

Special Interest Catttts

• Upvotes

Highlight of my month... A boy cat on my college campus, let me pet him.... He was cute and smiling as I pet him.

And also when I waved bye, he waved with his toe beans. 😭✨

I am naming him a campus Leo.. He is soo cute

We have 2 kittens, I tried to play with them but they were super skittish... But the female cat is cute , she isn't as affectionate as campus Leo but she does love pets!!

I love cats and I love talking about them... I am thinking of getting some cat treats and toys to play with them.I am seriously thinking of coming 20 minutes early like around 8:40 before my lecture starts at 9:00 and the campus starts to get busy and crowded and cats go away to hide? I can't find them anywhere 😭, they hide super well.

Idk why 🙂‍↔️but I needed share this, I love cats and I love sharing it and I already ranted to my friends and family but I need to talk about it more💞


r/AutismInWomen • • 12h ago

General Discussion/Question What are some stupidest things you've done because you can't read the room?

167 Upvotes

There are two things that haunt me, both wedding related

I live in a very catholic country so I'm used to the catholic rules. One thing that I always thought is unfair is that it doesn't allow divorces, while many protestant churches do. So the first (and only) time I had a chance to attend a protestant wedding, I couldn't stop thinking about it for some reason. And during the ceremony, the pastor said something about God helping them be together till they die. And I was so focused on the fact that they're allowed to get divorced, i asked a guy (also protestant) why did he say it when they can get divorced. He was a little awkward about my question and said something like "yeah...but you know you still hope they'll be together forever". It hit me recently, years after that wedding, how weird it was for me to ask that 😭

Another one was at a catholic church, a typical old one with a big organ at the back above the entrance. During the wedding, the groom (who I barely knew, I only knew his wife) said something about his father, who's "up there" and gestured vaguely in the organ direction. I looked back and asked my friends "his dad plays the organ?" 🤦‍♀️ they ignored me and I only found out later that it meant his dad had passed away

Both of these situations keep me up at night


r/AutismInWomen • • 11h ago

General Discussion/Question Late diagnosed, was there ever a point you thought you could make yourself “normal”

102 Upvotes

I could not understand why I never fit in and thought if I feigned being social (masking) I could be like the others and it would all click one day. Looking back, what a waste of time. Like forcing a square peg into a round hole.

”Be yourself“… unless society hints that there’s something ”wrong” with you.


r/AutismInWomen • • 3h ago

Seeking Advice I’m an off-putting person, socially, and I hate myself for it

26 Upvotes

I’m just an off-putting person. I don’t do anything too inherently taboo - I’ve read books, done my research, observed how humans socialize - so I don’t (usually) do things that are explicitly disturbing.

But I always say the wrong thing. I just don’t know how people reply to other people - they have funny quips, normal responses, and friendly interactions.

I always think I’m doing a correct response, but I’m always received with side-eyes or being ignored. It’s clear I’m doing something wrong and off-putting. What I say just doesn’t flow with the conversation, it’s not normal, it’s not right. And it’s definitely not charming or funny.

This kind of interaction… I feel perpetually like an outsider, and like I’m burdening people with my presence. And maybe I am - I don’t think I really bring anything to the table, I’m just making it all a little bit less cohesive.

I’ve read book after book on small talk, I’ve watched sitcoms and observed how people talk. Yet none of it seems to actually allow me to have responses - it’s like everyone is accessing a skill I completely lack, a whole entire sense I cannot comprehend.

I think the “practiced” nature of my responses are part of why I come off poorly, since it seems so unnatural, but if I don’t practice, I range from awkward to just offensive!

I don’t know what to do. It makes me want to give up, to totally isolate myself - people literally like me more if they know me less, since I’m able to surface-level interact for short periods of time in a relatively normal fashion.

If I just never spent time with other people… they wouldn’t eventually get tired of me. But that’s so lonely… and I’m already so lonely.


r/AutismInWomen • • 1h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) dropped a class bc of stress and an autistic misunderstanding

• Upvotes

long story short, my anatomy professor was phoning it in and letting the textbook program design all the tests and 3 tests had questions about material that we hadn’t gone over and i failed all of them. i don’t usually fail tests, i have a 3.9gpa so it was an extra ego blow. i had several meltdowns bc of it bc this class is already difficult AND a time suck.

she didn’t respond to my emails for weeks and when she did she and sent out an email saying that the old tests were taken down. i misunderstood the email bc she didn’t explicitly say ppl who already took the test needed to retake it and got 2 zeros on major grades.

yes i ended up reporting her but still dropped. this isn’t the first time my autism has affected by grades. (i may or may not have offended a professor who was forcing us to use a certain type of technology for nearly every assignment by telling him how bad it was for the environment/humans and he graded me harder after that and was rude to me).

i talked to the disability office and i don’t think i need any of the accommodations as my issue is a misunderstanding/social one but i still filed so in the future if smtn like this happens i can reference and be like im autistic thats why and hopefully avoid this in the future. idk it just makes me sad and i feel like i did all that work, and reported her just to give up bc i misunderstood.


r/AutismInWomen • • 17h ago

General Discussion/Question Is anyone else never getting any sexual attention?

284 Upvotes

All I hear from both genders is how extremely easy men are, how they would hump a vaguely butt-shaped treetrunk too, how every woman could get infinite amounts of sex effortlessly if she wanted to, etc.

Welp my experience has been the exact opposite lol As an adult, I got exactly zero interest. Even when I casually interacted with guys in uni, none of them initiated anything, if anything they seemed put off. The only ones who want something are very old alcoholic weirdos who usually smell bad. Idk where people find these men who would allegedly climb any consenting woman.


r/AutismInWomen • • 12h ago

Relationships Asked out my crush and got rejected in the kindest way

105 Upvotes

Decided to ask the guy I had a huge crush out by texting him "I tried asking you in person but I was on the verge of a heart attack so I had to ask you here. Do you want to go out with me?" LMAOO.

He responded "Come on that's a bit dramatic with the "on the verge of a heart attack" 😅. So, first of all thank you for the invitation but I will have to decline because at this moment I'm somewhere else (doesn't translate exactly into English). I consider it more right towards you and the other girl. Thank you thoughh😊"

I replied to his text calling me dramatic with "Sorry I haven't tried this before and I was worried I would embarrass myself in front of you again😂" and to the next ones "All good, I understand 😊 thank you for the honesty and politeness. See you and sorry if I brought you into an uncomfortable position ".

He replied "Hahhahah,there is no need" to the first one and added "Goodnight to you".

I thought that I would be more nonchalant about this since I didn't even expect him to reply or to reply something polite lol (or that's what I was telling myself🥲). I ended up crying even though he was so kind and respectful 😭. I felt sad not only about the rejection itself but because he proved that he was indeed a genuinely good guy and it wasn't my crush making him seem better than he is. I wished he would be a jerk to me so I could move on quickly lol. What hurts the most is that I will never see him again after a few days since my work there ends.

Naturally I was overthinking his reply and I wanted to discuss it with anyone🥲 or just in general feel free to share your thoughts


r/AutismInWomen • • 7h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Had to ignore every advice about social interaction and just white knuckle through and then my relationships improved, but...

43 Upvotes

So for the longest time, I would say, i'm distressed about something, I am worried people are mad at me or only like me because I do something for them or they keep me around like a spare or I'm hurt by something they did. And people would say, well, you just need to talk to the other person, they will surely understand.

Well, most of the time, they actually do not understand. Or they don't want to. People don't want to accommodate me and they prefer to have friends that are easy and don't have emotional problems. They don't want to bluntly communicate their feelings.

Every single time i've done this, the other person has become my bully. It's like handing someone the weapon with which to stab me because it has never once gone well for me.

So I just stopped. I have quite literally just been white-knuckling through panic attacks. And maybe that goes on for a few weeks. I started taking medication for when i'm having panic attacks that I can take during the panic attack, as opposed to every day but they make me unable to function as they mainly just make me sleepy.

And since I stopped, i've had better longer lasting relationships. I haven't had any big relationship meltdowns. The relationships that didn't work out have faded away rather than blowing up and turning into a stalking situation.

But now I feel like nobody knows me and if they did actually know me, they would hate me, because unmasking went so horrifically poorly for me that I just can't do it anymore. IDK what to do.


r/AutismInWomen • • 3h ago

Relationships For the girlies who left abusive relationships, what came for you after ?

19 Upvotes

Hi there.

I love you beautiful women here and I’m looking for some hope / advice / reality check.

I met my husband at 20, had no idea what autism was, I’m now 29 and realise fully well just how autistic I am. I did try to get diagnosed but it was quite hard and I’ve moved countries since where healthcare is even more complicated so it seems unattainable. I’m trying to look for a psychiatrist to help with other issues like my anxiety and burn out but they’re all reachable during my working hours and they’re all full and it’s just asking for so much energy out of me, especially as I’m working 41h a week aaaaand now straight out of that relationship.

It’s a classical story of him being 80% and 20% terrible, but those terrible parts being so bad he truly scared me and I don’t think I I’ll ever feel safe with him. I have trouble getting on with the divorce papers since I just smoke weed all day and work and sleep.

This sounds really doomy and I’m not actually doing that bad, as I’m talking with friends and eating and my mood isn’t that catastrophic.

It’s just that for 9 years, so much of my life revolved around him. So many habits, he felt like my „normal”. It’s hard to imagine myself without him.

It’s just a lot. The separation. The divorce. The job. The apartment. The trauma and healing from that. My addiction. My autism, which make me react and handle that like I am, which badly.

I am gonna be fine, this I know. Planning to quit weed on Monday. I’m not interested in dating as of now, but I do want kids and the clock is ticking. So, as I’m trying to imagine what my life will look like in a few years, I’m wondering how the „after” looked like for you ?


r/AutismInWomen • • 3h ago

General Discussion/Question thoughts about not being pretty?

16 Upvotes

hello! i was wondering what you all think about this! my whole life i've never felt comfortable performing femininity and never cared enough to do beauty rituals. i do groom and clean myself, but things like fashion and makeup and being demure and all that have always seemed like inconveniences to me. why would i pretend to be someone i am not and also make myself uncomfortable in the process?

so, i've never felt really pretty and never got a lot of romantic attention from anyone. i also just dont look like the beauty standard right now. and i'm kind of learning to be fine with that, even though i do wish i could be beautiful most days because "pretty privelege" is super real. but... i also kind of like the privleges that being plain-looking gives me. i really like going outside and being invisible, i love not being bothered by strangers. and i love knowing that if someone is speaking to me, they probably have a good reason that has nothing to do with attraction.

what do you guys think? does anyone feel similar?


r/AutismInWomen • • 5h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Feeling disheartened after daughter’s first parents evening

22 Upvotes

I was diagnosed as autistic at 30, after having my two children. My 4yo daughter has been on the NHS autism assessment waiting list for two years and she started school earlier this year. We have been supporting her as much as we can without a diagnosis, but we believe she is masking a lot, as she struggles massively with regulation and sensory overload, yet we almost always only see it at home.

We just had her first parents evening, and her teacher described her as bright, kind, respectful, a little helper, an amazing listener, a great example to others, a joy to teach and academically ahead of the curve. She said she was a little ‘shy and quiet’ but otherwise doing wonderfully.

Sounds great, right? Except this is EXACTLY how I was described at every parents evening growing up. I’d sit smiling while adults praised me, knowing they had no idea how much I was struggling or how exhausted I was. I was good, quiet and compliant. They always said I just needed to be less shy and make more friends. Cue a mental breakdown at age 15 and years of burnout and mental health struggles.

The thing is, whilst I agree my daughter is all of the things my teacher said, I can still see her struggling massively. After school at the park her classmates play together while she plays alone. She will never join them, and some have stopped saying hello because she doesn’t respond. At child centred activities, she gets overwhelmed and is fearful of other children. She needs headphones at lunchtime because the dining hall was so overwhelming that she wasn’t eating at school. And when she gets home from school it’s like a military operation to keep her calm and regulated, if one tiny part of her routine slips she just can’t cope.

When I raised these concerns, her teacher said lunch is overwhelming for all children because it’s loud, and all 4yos are finding their way socially. She totally ignored the concerns I had about her behaviour when she gets home and went back to praising the fact she can read.

I know her teacher is just sharing what she sees, and I’m not suggesting my daughter is unhappy every second at school, but I am concerned that she is following exactly in my footsteps of over compliance and perfectionism, because masking in this way is often more predictable than being yourself when you don’t know or understand any of the rules, but I know first hand that masking in this way is also exhausting.

I know my experiences might be triggering me, and I don’t want to project my childhood onto her, but I also know what it feels like to be the ‘good girl’ everyone praises while quietly falling apart. To have everyone praising you for how easy you are while it’s the hardest thing you have ever done to appear that way.

I’m terrified that because she doesn’t cause trouble, she’ll be overlooked just like I was. I’m terrified of watching my daughter go through what I did. I don’t want to wait until she’s in crisis before anyone takes her struggles seriously. I feel so helpless being in this position and seeing history potentially repeat itself already but also being unable to make anyone else understand it.

I’m wandering if anyone can relate or understand.


r/AutismInWomen • • 1h ago

Seeking Advice Is it weird to befriend someone 10 years younger than me if I don't feel my own age?

• Upvotes

’m a 31 year old and I’ve had a mutual on TikTok for like a year that I’ve never spoken to. We just started randomly messaging about a TikTok thing a couple of days ago and she asked for my Snapchat so we could send longer voice memos than the one minute limit on the app. We've been really vibing and she's nice to talk to, I don’t have a lot of friends, but I just found out today that she is 21 years old. It didn't register to me that she’s a decade younger than me, and maybe part of it is because I’m autistic and I know I feel mentally younger than I am physically. I feel like I have never felt my age and like I'm always behind in life, so I don't feel 31 and struggle to fit in with other people my age. But also because of the autism, I can't tell if it's weird or not to become closer friends with this girl or not since she’s s lot younger than me. Thoughts? I kinda need help with this one.


r/AutismInWomen • • 17h ago

General Discussion/Question I find CBT/ACT unhelpful and wonder if other people feel the same way and if it is because i am autistic

209 Upvotes

I did CBT, specifically ACT and found it quite unhelpful. I am now on the waitlist for a different modality (systemic) and meanwhile reflecting why and what was so unhelpful about CBT.

What i learnt in CBT therapy:

- differentiating between helpful and unhelpful thoughts

- checking if a fear is legitimate or not

- trying to just not go into an emotional situation like an argument but stepping away before

- monitoring the body for stress signals

- integrating lots of mindfulness

What i find so unhelpful about it is that this very rational approach just doesn‘t work for me. I don’t have phobias about unrealistic things but about unlikely things. But even if i think „it is not helpful to worry about the 5% chance of xyz happening“ i will still feel it and it is very draining.

Being mindful is also not so helpful for me because i am not stressed due to not taking breaks, i am not taking breaks due to too many stressors that are out of my control. I am already at my limit of adapting my life and handling situations.

I feel like i 100% know what about a situation is stressful to me, i know how i could change it, but in practicality i just don’t manage because then i would be busy and stressed about that 24/7.

I noticed that as an autistic person, or in general, there are usually 3 options: push through, adapt, or avoid. And adapting has the best outcome but also takes up a lot of time and effort. So I don’t need a therapist constantly asking about adapting because i am doing it as much as possible.

I hope this made sense.

Tl,dr: CBT/ACT feels like someone telling me to simply do stuff that is really not possible for me and made me feel more helpless, wondering about similar/different experiences


r/AutismInWomen • • 5h ago

Special Interest Difficulty pursuing interests - does anyone relate?

19 Upvotes

Hey there,

I'm new here & I wanna preface this by saying that I'm not yet diagnosed and I'm trying to sort all my problems into their respective categories since I have a few other things going on, so I don't really understand how my traits and other diagnoses interact with eachother. But I want to know if there are people here who know what I'm talking about and are feeling the same struggle.

I see so many people pursuing their interests with great passion, patience and endurance and I get so incredibly jealous because I just cannot do that.

I have a special interest that I just cannot pursue regularly and it drives me nuts. I think about it all day every day and I have so many plans and ideas but I can't start with any of them. I don't know if this comes from my depression or something else.

All the stars in the universe have to align for me to be able to do something. I don't even really know what it is that keeps me from doing it. Maybe it's the perfectionism and fear of failing to meet my expectations. Maybe it's the fear of going hyperfocus and someone interrupting and frustrating me or doing it for so long that I'm out of energy without noticing. Maybe it's the fear of being seen and the shame I feel that comes with it. Maybe it's a mix of these things or maybe it's something else entirely.

But it genuinely makes me want to cry. This is the only thing in my life that I find genuine joy in and I cannot do it.

Please share if you experience this or something similar. I feel so broken.


r/AutismInWomen • • 1h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) My mum hates that I’m autistic

• Upvotes

Any time I show traits of the thing I am literally diagnosed with, my mum’s immediate reaction, rather than to help, is scold me or tell me I’m embarrassing her. I’ve had so many occasions where I’ve misread a social situation, and afterwards my mum pulls me aside and tells me how embarrassing I am, without ever telling me what I did wrong or what I should say instead, which just means that it happens again and again in different variations and again I’m told off, told I’m an embarrassment, and never given advice, so it’s a cycle that I just can’t get out of.

It’s not even that I’m doing anything crazy. An example I can think of is someone mentioning a sport I do and apparently, according to my mum, I wasn’t excited-sounding enough when i replied, (probably because it was a sport she forced me into doing against my will and so I wanted to avoid talking about it so she didn’t remember to make me do more sessions…) so got yelled at later. She cares WAY too much about what other people think, and pushes that onto her kids and then wonders why we’re insecure.

Also, my special interest is Pokemon, and a lot of my hyperfixations tend to be more ‘kiddy’ like five nights at Freddy’s for example, and so whenever we get into any kind of argument she always brings up my interests to weaponise them against me, telling me I’m embarrassing and that it’s not normal to like those things and I need to grow up. She has also threatened multiple times to tear down the posters in my room of my interests and throw out all my merch and figures (which I have all bought with my own money).

I just don’t know how to deal with this, it makes me feel like such a burden and an embarrassment. Any advice is appreciated.


r/AutismInWomen • • 1h ago

General Discussion/Question How do you cope with knowing your childhood is over?

• Upvotes

I'm not sure if this is an autistic thing, or a generational thing, or something else. Life is good, and I have friends, classes, and hobbies I enjoy. I have a rosy and hopeful outlook on life and look forward to the future. Some days, though, I get struck with the realization that I'm an adult, and I'll never be a kid/teenager again. I have rent to pay, bills to manage, and expectations and responsibilities that come with living independently and attending college. It hurts deeply, like grief, and it's hard to shake.

If anyone else has had this feeling, let me know how you experience it, and what, if anything, you do to manage it. Thanks :)


r/AutismInWomen • • 1d ago

Special Interest Today is Winnie the Pooh's 100th birthday!

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710 Upvotes

Pooh is a special interest of mine and I love him very much and I wanted to share that special interest with you all 🐻🍯💛

My collection is small but I love what I have and I love Pooh. I have the Royal Mail stamps coming too! A framed set and the bound special book that I can add to my shelf!

Ps. The two poohs next to each other are the same! The first was given to me in the hospital when I was born, he lost his honeypot years ago but I adore him. And next to him is the original from 1996 in perfect condition 🥹


r/AutismInWomen • • 13h ago

General Discussion/Question Does Anyone Else "Feel" Time?

77 Upvotes

Not sure how to describe this exactly so I went with "feeling" time and I'm curious if others have experienced this or know what to call it.

I've noticed that I have a very strong sense of intuitive time. If I have to wake up early, I will set an alarm but my body will usually wake me up right before it.

If I get up in the middle of the night, I can usually tell what time it is generally, based on how tired I am, the lighting, how warm it is, etc. and I'm usually right within a half hour or so.

Sometimes it's the middle of the day and I've been busy and not keeping track of time at all, and right before I'll be like "eh it feels like it's probably right after one or something" and I'll check and it will be like 1:07.

The downside is that sometimes my body will over-panic in regard to time, so if I have to get up at 5am, body will say "let's make it 2 just to be safe!" But maybe that's the anxiety. 😹

Just curious if others experience this!