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u/Tricksybelle 4d ago
Lmao my manager said "not everything needs a diagnosis. It's just bad behaviour".
But I don't want to behave badly. I just can't help it sometimes š
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u/Watcher_of_Stars 4d ago
It gets a little annoying over time tbh, too many people are like that. Especially the part that if they can't relate, they think this problem couldn't possibly exist, so they think it's okay to completely dismiss someone's experience and needs.
It's especially bad with "invisible issues", it's much harder to tell a person with a broken leg to "just walk normally".
Human species are weird sometimes...
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u/Fortified_Phobia 4d ago
My dad repeatedly telling me to try harder to be early to leave (we go shopping every week at the same time) and every week Iām late no matter how hard I seem to try, Iāve tried explaining it and nothing ever seems to get in, so heās just mad at me, every week.
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u/Watcher_of_Stars 3d ago edited 3d ago
That's pretty much exactly my experience as well lol. The worst part imho is that you try hard, and even try to explain yourself, but they just don't understand and think/feel like you don't care or something and get annoyed. And it being a constantly repeated experience is what really gets me. I am kinda curious to hear your perspective
P.s. have you tried crippling anxiety about being late? Works "every time 50% of the time" /jk
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u/Fortified_Phobia 3d ago
I never get the anxiety welp, I think that why Iām always late, I always have confidence that this will be the time I make it and never do. And the repetition is definitely the worst, itās like people canāt hear you. Iāve tried explaining what itās like to my dad ten times over, never makes a difference..
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u/Watcher_of_Stars 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yeah that really sucks :-( Anxiety is my main driver, it got me through university and deadlines, not sure what i would do without it lol. Also thank you for mentioning it, it feels very validating, that's it's not just me. It hurts when he doesn't hear you repeatedly, but at least there are people who can understand and relate... Btw, you've got a cool nickname xD
I might try to give you a small advice. You probably tried all that, so sorry if i just repeat what you already tried xD. And you might be struggling with a different aspect of it, so it may be completely useless lol. What i struggle with is forgetting and starting prepping last moment. But what helps me is check maps beforehand, check leave home time, and account for things i need to do before leaving + a big chunk of time for making sure I have enough time.
Basically listing all things (e.g. shower, dress up, put shoes on, heat up car, whatever) and then do them with timer once, so I know how much it actually takes (so i don't feel too confident until the last moment every time, "ehh, I have plenty of time"), plus a bit of spare time. And then I have multiple alarms for a) when i need to start prepping, b) when its almost time but i have time, and c) when i need to leave (10 mins in advance).
Plus I always put such events in Calendar event, so you get reminded in advance (multiple reminders: 30min, 2 hours, 1 day before, whatever works)
P.s. sorry for the wall of text š
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u/Fortified_Phobia 3d ago
Itās all good, I donāt mind reading. And thanks, I got the name by misreading the title of a song I liked and thought it sounded good lol. And yeah the dismissal and lack of understanding sucks, careful talking about any of this in non neurodivergent spaces, people can be really fucking mean about it and refused to understand..
And seems like you have similar issues to me with getting ready, I do almost all of that welp. I have never recorded how long it takes me to do things though, Iām always in to much of a rush but it would almost certainly help to know exactly how long it takes rather then how long I think it takes. Prepping is also huge, Iāve been slacking on it recently not bothering which doesnāt help, because then Iām left panicking not knowing what to wear while the timer runs out oof.
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u/Watcher_of_Stars 2d ago
Thanks! The misreading part is too relatable, but I love this happy accident lol. Yeah, Iāve had some experience with non-neurodivergent spaces, and well, didnāt like it very much...
Yeah, seems like weāre dealing with similar bs. I wish I could be more helpful lol, but I hope something eventually makes things a bit easier for you. Also, honestly sometimes the best thing you can do is just give yourself some slack and accept that you donāt have to fix everything, even if itās frustrating.
I basically try to have everything ready the night before. I wish I didnāt have to do all this, but it helps me immensely. I also have a checklist for leaving the house and a small organizer pouch with essentials (keys, glasses, earplugs, powerbank, etc.) that always stays in one dedicated spot, so I can just grab it and go, instead of looking for stuff. Well, unless I put something "back" somewhere else and forget about it lol. And I prepare my clothes in advance so I donāt have to think about what to wear while the clock is running out. But yeah, to each their own lol.
Honestly, life sometimes feels like spending years trying to figure out how your own brain works because somehow you managed to lose the manual...
Bit of a personal question, if you donāt mind, of course. Did you always suspect you were neurodivergent, or was it more of a gradual realisation over time?
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u/Fortified_Phobia 1d ago
Defo need to prep more lol, I need to wake up earlier too, sleep schedule is a mess.
Big post incoming, sorry lol, I have a lot to say on your question. Get ready for my life story lol.
Ehh itās complicated. I was diagnosed with dyslexia when I was 7/8, so technically Iāve always known I was neurodivergent but I never saw it that way, the word didnāt exist then either, so to me I was just dyslexic, and tbh dyslexia is a completely different type of neurodivergence.
So to answer it with neurodivergent just meaning ADHD and Autism, well thatās also complicated.. I was scared growing up of being it, as I was already bullied and after the dyslexia diagnosis I was worried that it impacted social relationships. I researched it and found out it didnāt, so in my mind I was okay and still normal and the reason I was bullied was just bad luck. Things kept happening though and occasionally I would consider it, but mainly out of fear of being it. By the end of school I was very much the weird eccentric girl who didnāt wear shoes and used a dip pen and ink in class. Itās funny looking back how obvious it was, and even annoying that no teacher considered it, especially the special ed ones Iād see for my dyslexia accommodations.. but I myself wouldnāt go on to consider it properly until university.
University hit me like a truck, I was struggling with deadlines endlessly and it just kept getting worse, eventually I googled it and found a guy talking about ADD and I was like holy shit, thats me. Thats when I found out, struggled a bit with it after being scared of it for so long, but I digress. I spoke to my councillor about it and yet again someone else failed me, she bullshitted to me that I couldnāt access diagnosis and that it would do nothing anyway, so I dropped it and stopped thinking about it till now, when Iām finally seeking help for it. Could have been diagnosed and medicated while still at uni if not for her, instead of finally seeking it out in my late 20s.
So to simply answer your question, Iāve low-low-key always suspected it, but didnāt know till everything started collapsing.
What about you? Did you know?
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u/Watcher_of_Stars 1d ago edited 1d ago
Tl;dr: I didn't really know until recently. And your experience is very relatable
+++ for the sleep schedule welp
No worries lol, tysm for sharing. Sorry in advance if my reply turns into another life story lmao. Also, āGet ready for my life storyā has no business being this relatable, as well as the āso in my mind I was okay and still normal, and the reason [...] was just bad luckā part.
I was pretty active and impulsive as a kid, and sometimes I wish I could control what comes out of my mouth. I've lost some good connections because of things I've said without thinking, or just oversharing. I also had a habit of teasing people or impulsively challenging what they said, without really thinking about it. Not in a mean-spirited way or with any bad intentions, but sometimes I just couldn't help myself, and it got me into trouble. But neither my parents nor I had any idea.
I'm 21, and I didn't have a clue until my second year of uni, even though I'd always had my struggles. Also because I moved to a different country, so there's that. My first year was relatively easy thanks to my high school background, so I could slack off, leave everything until the last minute, and still pass exams. But longer, more complex assignments were a different story. Turns out the last-minute superpower has its limits lol. Things got much harder in my second and third years, and I kinda compensated by sacrificing my social life and going through periodic burnouts.
I'm also generally pretty closed off, so opening up and exchanging experiences with people can be difficult. And maintaining relationships is a whole other thing. It's weird because socialising can be genuinely enjoyable, but also incredibly exhausting, even with people I like. Even going to a pub can be a bit much, though Loop earplugs have been a HUGE help.
At some point, a teacher who knew me reasonably well approached me and said he suspected I had ADHD and should look into getting diagnosed. He's an ADHDer himself, has kids with ADHD, and has helped quite a few students at our uni get diagnosed. I initially dismissed it, since I knew very little about mental health in general, but eventually I had my own āholy shit, that's meā moment. Honestly, I'm really glad he said something. Big W for him, and for ADHD creators like How to ADHD and Late Bloomers, and this sub lmao.
Anyway, I'm curious about something you mentioned. Looking back, do you feel like you were masking or trying to fit in for most of your life? And has learning about neurodivergency more broadly changed how you see your childhood and those social experiences? No pressure to answer, just curious how that been for you
P.S. Yo, but not wearing shoes is so comfy though. I wish it were more socially acceptable outside the house, and I have NO IDEA why it isn't. Especially sitting in an office for 8 hours a day, even comfy sneakers get annoying. You might also wanna look into barefoot shoes, they're awesome. But that's a rabbit hole, be warned xD
P.P.S. Wow, that's still a biiiiit long, sorry š«¤
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u/Watcher_of_Stars 1d ago edited 1d ago
I applied for a diagnosis about 1.5 years ago, but the process has been a bit of a mess. My appointment finally came around, only for me to discover that my insurance wouldn't cover the clinic because they had no contract with them. Apparently, that's a ā¬3,000 surprise. So now I'm waiting, again
We have a Dutch saying, āvan het kastje naar de muur gestuurd wordenā, basically being sent from one place to another without getting anywhere. It's especially frustrating when the very thing you're struggling with is executive function, and you don't have much support
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u/Rage_quitter_98 2d ago
It indeed really gets annoying but over time you kinda start accepting the fact of being useless instead of worrying about disappointing others - I kinda started preferring not having the "gotta perform now!!" struggle or even downright panic when I instead could be like "eh... we'll see how long they'll put up with me" instead
Sucks when its coming from peeps you thought you knew well though because I will start shutting them out emotionally once they pull that shit one too many times :|
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u/Watcher_of_Stars 2d ago
So true. And honestly, that's a really insightful thought lol. I feel like it's much healthier to start accepting that and finding environments and people that work for you, rather than trying to bend yourself into a neurotypical, worrying and shaming yourself. Oh boy, easier said than done, though...
Can relate to that, and it kinda hurts. But at some point, it just doesn't work out anymore š«¤
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u/Previous-Musician600 AuDHD 4d ago
Bad behavior: A person has the full cognitive capacity to sit still or start a task, understands the consequences, but chooses to defy the rules for a specific gain.
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u/hormse 4d ago
your leg isn't broken, you just need to walk on it
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u/Previous-Musician600 AuDHD 4d ago
You don't need glasses, just focus
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u/Drpoofn 4d ago
This happened to my husband. Him and his dad were chasing cows back to the house and ran into a small hole he broke his leg. He said is sounded like a branch broke. Dad told him he didn't break his leg and to walk it off. He couldn't. We never let him live that down.
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u/wazzup-notemuch 3d ago
I was gonna say, there are people who do this for literally every possible injury or ailment. They just don't want to help other people, because helping people is inconvenient and hard work. But they also want to maintain the belief that they are "good people," and they know that people who refuse to help aren't "good." So they pretend that problems are fake.
Ironically, when they diagnose every medical problem as "laziness," they are the ones being lazy. The projection is too real.
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u/Littlegreensurly 4d ago
For my mom it was projection of her own inner critic, which she got from her dad's scolding for "being lazy," which I suspect was also projection. Took her 10 years after my adult diagnosis and decision to lean into self-compassion, but she's finally realizing some things aren't a personal failing you can scold yourself out of. No honda civics in this family š
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u/anon172649 4d ago
I can't fuckin wait for the day my oh so obviously beleaguered mother realizes this so she can finally feel okay getting the help that would benefit her rather than gaslighting herself into thinking only the beneficial parts are from the potential diagnosis and therefore no diagnosis or help is needed
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u/Nyxelestia 4d ago
Literally LAST NIGHT my mom was telling me that "I don't think ADHD has medicine" and I shouldn't take meds because "it doesn't solve problems it just suppresses things," and I'm like...okay painkillers don't solve medical problems either but we still like that they suppress pain. Which is the point. It'll be years before my menstruation gets solved but I still take painkillers every month, why shouldn't I do the same with ADHD???
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u/Capable_Sea77 4d ago
This is basically what I've told my mom about me taking antidepressants. "But I've heard those make people into zombies that dont feel anything!!!!" Mom, first of all, not if you are on the right kind and dosage - and second of all, maybe the fact that I feel things TOO MUCH is a contributor to the depression?
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u/Previous-Musician600 AuDHD 4d ago
I hate that so much. I understand that it's difficult to understand, but please stop pretending we are just missing an easy step. Most of us did exactly that their whole life because they got told to just do it.
P.s. I hate the slogan 'just do it'
I like to explain my brain like a roommate. I need to tolerate it, manipulate it and trick it with treats to do the important things.
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u/wazzup-notemuch 3d ago
I also hate the slogan "just do it."
I've been trying and failing to "just do" things my entire life. It never works.
I've come to the conclusion that any advice containing the word "just" is not actually advice, it's a dismissal.
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u/Previous-Musician600 AuDHD 3d ago
They put their perception on you, pretending to look out from your shoes, but they don't.
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u/VelvetCactus50 4d ago
My parents: you don't need a tutor or extra test time. You're just lazy, and you need to focus more. We're not going to help you until you help yourself first by getting your grades up.
Me 30 years later: you don't need a hip replacement or physical therapy or a walker or a wheelchair. You're just lazy, and you need to focus more. I'm not going to help the two of you until you help yourselves by walking without assistance first.
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u/Zi_illiria 4d ago
Oh my mom is like that too! She was just telling me I should push through have more discipline, and everything would get better. Thanks mom, Iām cured.
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u/Shad0wbubbles 3d ago
Mines a Ferrari with low budget scooter breaks that stops working when I reach the end of my dopamine for the hour
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u/Alarm-Particular 4d ago
Mine just denied any testing and let me fail my way through school while calling me lazy
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u/OneToCrowOn 4d ago
I always think, I am on a scooter on the highway and everyone is zipping by in race cars. Then, someone comes along and says, "just drive faster!"
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u/castlebravo8 4d ago
I just had this conversation with my uncle lol
My uncle, who is diagnosed with ADHD like his father (my grandfather) was, who doesn't believe it's a real thing and says that my problems are just a dysfunctional upbringing and not ADHD.
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u/Live_Cupcake_9229 3d ago
I have an official diagnosis and I've still had people say, "Oh, well it doesn't affect you."
And then you act like that's a compliment and then I'm crazy if I get offended. Yet you get mad when I do things typically associated with ADHD
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u/booksandkittens615 3d ago
I keep telling my mom I think Iām mildly autistic with some degree of adhd and ehlers-danlos syndrome. Iām in my 30s. She listens but I can tell she thinks itās silly. Funnily enough I think some if not all of those diagnoses probably apply to her as well. They just want us to be āhealthyā and ānormalā but donāt realize how helpful understanding our underlying conditions can be.
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u/motherofbunniess 1d ago
Lmaoooo but thatās how ADHD works you canāt focus no matter how hard you try
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad_466 1d ago
My mother didnāt like me medicated, because I would actually talk and be able to focus enough to talk. Iām usually more on the quiet side usually.
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u/crownoftheredking 1d ago
When I got a phone that doesn't allow social media apps, my ex wife would say if you just learned self control you wouldn't need it. Lady you allegedly have ADHD too, you know my brain is a drug addict
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u/ADownStrabgeQuark 4d ago
āYou donāt have ADD, you just need to learn how to focus.ā
Real r/thanksImcured energy there.
Sheās literally describing ADD.