the focus is not in my control😔

[u/idyl7]

[u/Watcher_of_Stars]

I applied for a diagnosis about 1.5 years ago, but the process has been a bit of a mess. My appointment finally came around, only for me to discover that my insurance wouldn't cover the clinic because they had no contract with them. Apparently, that's a €3,000 surprise. So now I'm waiting, again

We have a Dutch saying, “van het kastje naar de muur gestuurd worden”, basically being sent from one place to another without getting anywhere. It's especially frustrating when the very thing you're struggling with is executive function, and you don't have much support

[u/Fortified_Phobia → u/Watcher_of_Stars]

Lol it’s alright, I was busy yesterday and just didn’t have time to read through it, I’m glad you said all you said though.

Funny how we both found out in uni, your experience is mad relatable, mine went a very similar way, even with the waves of burnout and gradually getting worse over the years. It’s like the structure of school falls aways and everything else falls apart. Your professor arounds like a great guy though, I’m glad he was there to push you in the right direction. And you’re right on these spaces, the sub has been a godsend for me lol. My professor did pull me a huge favour at one point, he lied about when I haded my coursework in, it was late but he didn’t tell the exam board. Never gonna not love him for that.

And yeah diagnosis is a bitch, thats a fucking expensive price they wanted you to pay though, jesus, especially after a long wait. I’m at the very start of mine, I’m going through this NHS right to choose thing, but the huge surge in people looking for assessment is making the wait times long, I imagine it’s the same problem over there.. everything is so underfunded.

And to answer your question, I don’t know..

When I was a kid I didn’t feel like I was masking but at the same time I remember copying a close family friend of my mind who was more popular, like even buying the same build-a-bear as her and giving it the same name..

As I got older the bullying lessoned but never went away, and I started to realise the more confident I was the less they’d fuck with me. By the end of school I was very proudly out and weird, I figured the people who didn’t like or accept me were never going to change their minds, so fuck em.

For socialising it’s weird, I didn’t use to struggle but I do now as my social skills atrophied after uni. I still enjoy it but it’s more stressful, if I did it more it would be better but my social life is very not good, and I really wish it wasn’t..

Honestly I feel like I’m masking now more than I ever have, because deep down I struggle to accept who I am, which is fucked. I know it’s a side effect of my school life and still quietly wishing I could be cool and liked and normal, and for a time after uni I felt like I was that, now it feels like I was deluding myself. My confidence and identity have been on a downward spiral this year, it’s part of what sparked me to finally seek help and diagnosis.

What about you? Did you feel like you were masking? And what about now, like now you know? The loops sound good, I’ve never tired anything like, I get ads all the time for them tho. And big up slippers, if I ever work in an office they’re gonna have to pry my slippers from me if lol.