Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/DragonflySmall6867]

We had a couple from our church crash our wedding. It was very weird. Our guest list was very specific. I'm not even sure how they found out when & where it was. If you're not invited to a wedding, don't go to the wedding!

[u/thedoodely → u/DragonflySmall6867]

Did they crash the ceremony or the reception? Church weddings are usually a public event and advertised by reading the bans for 6 weeks so it's not unusual for people to just show up for the ceremony. The reception afterwards though is definitely a private event.

[u/DragonflySmall6867 → u/thedoodely]

The whole thing was private. It wasn't mentioned in church bulletins or announced anywhere. It wasn't even in our regular building!

[u/DragonflySmall6867 → u/thedoodely]

If they were at the wedding, I didn't notice them. But I was quite surprised to see them at the reception.

[u/Wise-News1666 → u/thedoodely]

Since when are weddings open to the public?

[u/henrik_se → u/Wise-News1666]

Church weddings used to always be, and can still sometimes be open to the public, or just the local parish.

The rules are that you can attend if you keep quiet, sit in the back, don't call any attention to yourself, and generally respect the invited guests. You are there as a witness to the ceremony, and your presence honours the couple. You don't bring a gift, you don't get to go to the reception, you don't join any family photos, and you don't talk to the couple other than maybe a quick well-wishing if they pass you.

(Same rules for funerals)

[u/Peach_disneyfan → u/henrik_se]

I've literally never heard of this before. What if the couple getting married doesn't actually attend the church or belong to the congregation? Are church members that don't know the couple allowed to go anyway? That just seems so crazy to me.

[u/henrik_se → u/Peach_disneyfan]

What if the couple getting married doesn't actually attend the church or belong to the congregation?

Why would you get married there, then?!?

Churches are public spaces belonging to the local parish or congregation. It used to be the case that you got married in your church, not any church, in which case the couple would know most of the congregation, and it would make sense that the entire village could come and watch the ceremony. These days most couples aren't religious, but decide to get married in a church for the vibes or something, but why should the church close its doors and make it a private event? It's a church!

Never been to a Catholic wedding, but my understanding is that it is Sunday mass + wedding, and since everyone can (should!) attend mass, everyone attending mass can attend the wedding.

[u/Peach_disneyfan → u/henrik_se]

Few things: we got married at a small church in our area. We were not members but we aren't religious and don't attend any church. So people that don't attend church can't use their facilities? Also we had to pay a fee to have our wedding there, it wasn't just a free service, and it wasn't held during any time that they have church services. So why would strangers be allowed to crash our private ceremony if we were required to pay for the use of the church? If it was free, sure, I could understand. But if there is a charge to hold a private ceremony then I feel like that means it's not open to the entire congregation.

[u/Used_Evidence → u/Wise-News1666]

In the recent past church weddings were open to the church. It's not as common now, but it was a great way to save money on invitations and increase gifts.

[u/VirtualMatter2 → u/Wise-News1666]

It's a church service in a public church. It's public. The reception is a completely different matter though.