Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/preyingmomtis]

If Jill didn’t know anyone else who would be there, I can kind of see her fishing for another +1 next time you hang out. “Bill can’t make it and I’m worried I won’t know anyone.”

But if it’s just 50 of your closest people, I would assume she knows some of the other guests. We had a few people in similar boats and they did not bring random guests we didn’t know, we put them at tables with people they did know & they hung out with them.

[u/Hungry-Emotion7664 → u/preyingmomtis]

I've literally never received and invitation to a wedding that stipulated the number of guests and level of intimacy, so I'm cutting Jill some slack.

[u/jjpearson → u/Hungry-Emotion7664]

I’m with you. Asking is alright, getting upset by the answer is not.

“Oh thanks, sorry I won’t be attending” is an absolutely fine response if you don’t feel comfortable going alone.

Ending a friendship over it is definitely overkill.

[u/Hungry-Emotion7664 → u/jjpearson]

With no idea how that conversation went down, I really don't know.

[u/altitude-adjusted → u/Hungry-Emotion7664]

The invite didn't specify the number of guests. Jill's situational awareness is lacking.

NO ONE should invite someone to another person's wedding. Jill showed her true colors by cutting the relationship.

[u/preyingmomtis → u/altitude-adjusted]

100%. A 50 person wedding is just 25 couples or fewer if kids are coming. My husband and I are at 24 for an event if we do just our kids, parents, siblings, and niblets. It adds up fast. If you’re two of those 50 close people, how are you totally oblivious as to the basics of the wedding?
•Second wedding
•Decades living up to others’ expectations
•Small
•Close friends & family

Clearly Jill & Bill weren’t as close as the engaged couple thought.

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359 → u/Hungry-Emotion7664]

Jill knew the size and intimacy from in-person conversations.