Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/SantaFe91]

An invitation is not a transferable ticket! Jill was absolutely wrong to do this. I’d probably have been inclined to quietly fume and do nothing, but your saying something has at least revealed Jill for the oddball she is. Strange thing to say you’ll end a friendship over. It sounds as if you’re both better off without her flakiness in your new married life. Something else would have happened in the future if it hadn’t happened now. Put it behind you. Wishing you every happiness!

[u/Pure_Alternative3283 → u/SantaFe91]

Yes, +1 is standard. You invited the couple, it is 100% reasonable for the spot to be taken by a person an invitee brings of their partner can’t make it.

[u/TrishasaurusRex33 → u/Pure_Alternative3283]

Okay but the lesbian couple specifically only invited people they know are lgbtq+ positive. Really, not wanting a rando in the mix that may or may not be kind and supportive isn't wrong.
Would be real awkward to roll up to a lesbian wedding with a surprise homophobe lol.

[u/Inevitable_Phase_276 → u/TrishasaurusRex33]

Has nothing to do with them being a lesbian couple. The invite was addressed to him, not her and a plus one. It wasn’t up to them to invite a stranger instead.

[u/TrishasaurusRex33 → u/Inevitable_Phase_276]

Yes. But the person I'm responding to doesn't seem to understand WHY a random plus one is rude, when other weddings might find it acceptable.
Op makes sure to emphasize only inviting people she knows are supportive of lgbtq+, because it is a lesbian wedding, and the brides want to be safe and supported on their big day. This is about the brides preferences and peace, not guests feelings.

[u/Inevitable_Phase_276 → u/TrishasaurusRex33]

Very true, I wasn’t trying to argue with that point, just saying that it’s rude no matter what- it doesn’t have to be a lesbian couple.

[u/Ok-Raspberry7884 → u/Inevitable_Phase_276]

I agree. If an invitation is for two named people like Jill and Bill it’s for Jill and Bill only. If one can’t come I don’t think it’s rude to ask if they can bring someone else if they have a reason to (like singles all got a plus 1 and they’d be the only one without a wedding companion) but you don’t just assume “Bill” is interchangeable for “plus 1”. My cousin and their spouse had lots of single friends who they decided to seat together instead of doing plus 1s, if half of an invited couple couldn’t make it the other half would presumably be seated with the singles. As long as you’re not the only single person at a wedding and enough singles will start up conversations it’s no big deal to go alone. So you talk to a few people you don’t know (and you might know some anyway) for an evening. Maybe dance in a group. For most people it’s manageable if not preferable. I’ve been solo for maybe half the weddings I’ve been to, as long as I’m not the only solo person there’s always someone fun to hang with for the evening.

[u/Catsdrinkingbeer → u/Pure_Alternative3283]

But it's not a plus 1. It's a named guest. 

If both Bill and Jill could not make it, could they have just given the invitation to their neighbors? Because if replacing one named guest with a random person is okay why not both?

[u/Striking_Host1047 → u/Pure_Alternative3283]

No, it’s not. And you seem to forget: it’s THEIR wedding, THEIR choice of guests, THEIR choice to not want a random person there. You are invited as a guest to witness their special day, NOT as a guest who deserves to call the shots. Being a guest doesn’t entitle you to do as you please.

[u/multipocalypse → u/Pure_Alternative3283]

We've all seen your opinion, Jill

[u/CloseYourQuotes → u/Pure_Alternative3283]

No, a plus one is NOT standard, and even if it were, this was not a “plus one” invitation. This was a named invitation. You can’t make up your own rules. It’s not a theater ticket. 

[u/Correct-Selection757 → u/Pure_Alternative3283]

You don’t have many friends do you

[u/spaltavian → u/Pure_Alternative3283]

+1 is absolutely not standard and it never has been. Ever. You are completely wrong about this. Never weigh in on etiquette again ever.

[u/zsveetness → u/spaltavian]

It really depends where you live. I’ve never attended a wedding and not been offered a plus one. Weddings are much larger and more casual here, though.