Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/Quirky_Movie]

I'm 50. This person is strange. You're right that an invite addressed to specific people is for specific people. Couples do not get plus 2s on their invite.

She should have reached out and let you know that Bill could no longer make it and would you be open to her bringing this person. This is a request which is totally fair to make for this person's comfort while traveling. It would also be okay for you to decline it and ask to meet up with her and her husband next time you are in town. It is not okay to assume you can just bring anyone as replacement if you haven't been offered a plus one.

I love that she's local and acting like it's a trip to the moon.

Perhaps she assumed that Alphabet Mafia does not know Miss Manners. More likely her husband just doesn't feel close enough to care if he travels to the wedding and she doesn't travel alone.

[u/whisky_biscuit → u/Quirky_Movie]

This is probably what it is. I know there's some boomers and Gen X who simply do not go anywhere without someone close to them - their husband, kid, close friends, etc. They have difficulty navigating social situations being alone. My mom is like this, which is why she makes my 85 year old dad go everywhere she does (and he drives too), meanwhile he constantly leaves the house by himself. My siblings and I have had to sometimes drive hours to be there to accompany our mom to a place only 15 minutes away from her own home, because my dad isn't there to go with her.

It doesn't excuse it though, she shouldve asked not just assumed. It is sad though that Jill seemed to still want to go while Bill doesn't seem to think it's that important I guess?

[u/Quirky_Movie → u/whisky_biscuit]

I don't know if that's Gen X'ers or just a specific kind of person. I am a young Gen X/Elder Millennial. I moved directly from my parents' home to NYC. I travel alone a lot.

[u/Llayanna → u/Quirky_Movie]

And for me, millennial, it's a struggle now. I was once pretty decent at it and once I know a route etcetera, it's usually okay enough but..

It's easier for my anxiety to not be alone, specially if it's something really important or very far away.  

I am aware, I am trying to do better but some days it's just.. not possible. Yet. I have hope.

I overcome so much after all.