Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/withbellson]

My mom tried to do this to bring me to a wedding instead of my dad (who never left the house towards the end of his life) and I was mortified and refused to go because you don’t do that. So she proceeded to call the groom’s mom and ask her to have the couple invite me so I’d stop refusing to go. Extra mortified.

And they did it. Sent me an invite well past the RSVP date which they had to scratch out and rewrite.

I did end up going because my mom wanted me to drive (it was up a mountain on a windy road) but she learned nothing from this.

[u/Civil_Ad4544 → u/withbellson]

Are we long lost siblings? This is 100% something my mom would pull lol

[u/Bflatclar1981 → u/Civil_Ad4544]

Same. Our mothers are apparently lost triplets.

[u/Daisy_W → u/Bflatclar1981]

Mine did this but for a bridal shower! I was so uncomfortable

[u/basketweaving8 → u/withbellson]

My grandma did this and I never agreed to go but found out after she had RSVPed yes on my behalf. And then she told everyone in my family that the couple was so sad I pulled out at the last minute!

(I had never met the couple)

[u/Mrs_Sparkle_ → u/withbellson]

My Grandmother has NEVER understood a social norm in her entire life (Now that I have reflected on it for years she’s 100% ND in some way just never diagnosed) She has consistently expected me to do very strange things like this and never understands why it’s seen as incredibly rude, invasive or inappropriate yet she will have a mental breakdown about leaves on the ground in the yard, literally crying about “what will the neighbours think?!” but yet will do the most inappropriate and socially awkward things without a second thought? Sorry for the rant, she’s an incredibly strange woman and I wish I could know her diagnosis because it’s something

[u/Wuncomfortable → u/[deleted]]

Be kinder or be removed

[u/Striking_Host1047 → u/Wuncomfortable]

No one’s being unkind, just offering a different opinion. There’s a difference.

[u/Hahafunnys3xnumber → u/withbellson]

Your mom didn’t want to go to a wedding alone while it sounds like her husband was dying. And you STILL can’t possibly find any understanding in that all these years later..? And you think she should’ve learned her lesson about being alone during a hard time… I think you could try to have a little more empathy for your own mother.

[u/withbellson → u/Hahafunnys3xnumber]

You don’t have the backstory here. It wasn’t medical, it was severe untreated mental illness that kept the entire family in its thrall for years. It sounds unforgiving but at that point in my life I was completely disgusted about how his refusal to seek help kept everyone in the family from experiencing the world.

My mom is her own kettle of fish.

[u/Hahafunnys3xnumber → u/withbellson]

Sounds like she was really going through it at the time.

[u/withbellson → u/Hahafunnys3xnumber]

TBH, I think you’re coming from a much more sane and loving version of what a marriage is supposed to look like. She was completely ignoring him by that point. When he eventually did die several years later the first thing she said to me was “now I can finally clean out the house.”

It sounds absolutely appalling from the outside but it was legitimately a hot dysfunctional mess.