Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/mynameisnotsparta]

I agree, 100% that Jill was very rude. She could’ve attended alone as she’s part of your circle or she could’ve said neither of us can make it. Bringing a random person to somebody’s wedding especially a small one is definitely lack of awareness of social norms.

[u/Competitive_Tough989 → u/mynameisnotsparta]

If it were a larger wedding I would get it but but a small and intimate one I wouldn't have thought to bring someone u less the couple said it like oh feel free to bring a friend or something

[u/Lollygagging-guru → u/Competitive_Tough989]

Let’s not forget the wedding is in a private residence. So now she invited an uninvited stranger into someone’s home!

[u/Competitive_Tough989 → u/Lollygagging-guru]

That part is key!! Bc at home is way more intimate than a public location

[u/Hungry-Emotion7664 → u/Competitive_Tough989]

When I receive a wedding invitation, it never includes the size of the wedding. How would Jill know how many people were invited?

[u/BusyTotal3702 → u/Hungry-Emotion7664]

They probably told her?

[u/iwishiwasjosiesmom → u/BusyTotal3702]

OP mentioned that she told Jill while discussing the planning.

[u/fifitsa8 → u/Hungry-Emotion7664]

Even if you thought it was a 1000 person wedding, you ask the host, you don't lay down the law like it's your decision. It's not your wedding.

[u/Competitive_End7597 → u/mynameisnotsparta]

Agreed, i mean feel free to ask, but if the wishes of the couple say "no". Then thats the end of it, its their day after all and not yours.

[u/dorky2 → u/mynameisnotsparta]

It's ok to bring a rando to a wedding if the invitation specifically says "Plus 1."

[u/LadyReika → u/dorky2]

This situation didn't say +1. It specified the couple that was being invited.

[u/Legitimate-Meal-2290 → u/dorky2]

Ok but that's not the situation here?

[u/Henning00007 → u/Legitimate-Meal-2290]

They weren't saying that it was, just expanding on the point

[u/mynameisnotsparta → u/dorky2]

But the invitation did not say +1. The invitation was to the specific couple. And you can’t just substitute a person when it is a small more intimate situation.

[u/esuomyekcim_ → u/mynameisnotsparta]

How would the guest know if it's a small or large wedding?

[u/mynameisnotsparta → u/esuomyekcim_]

If your invitation says Mr. and Mrs. SMITH or John and Mary or specific names, then they don’t want a random +1.

When an invitation says the name of the person and +1 or and guest that that means you could bring someone with you that the couple may not know.

[u/Julesagain → u/esuomyekcim_]

When the wedding is at someone's home I think you can safely assume it's a small wedding, unless you move in Kardashian circles.