So I have been experimenting with 4 ho det. Ive tried multiple different doses through out and I have noticed quite a few differences in how the substance seems to work atleast for me and my body and tolerance.

The normal dose for det is usually 10 to 12 mg.

3mg- broke a 12mg tablet into 4 for the first time trying it. 3mg took about 30 mins to hit and it was a very mild feeling. It had mood lift qualities as well as energy and stimulation but not a lot. It lasted about 2.5 hours the mood lift and stimulation lasted the enter time and it was a very mild come down almost not noticeable and I was able to sleep easy

6mg dose-half a tablet this was noticeable stronger. More stimulation more energy more positive mood boost it lasted about half an hour longer. I definitely could feel it more and the stimulation was almost on par with a 10mg dose of adderall. It was good for going out for a walk down to an area which had cool shops and old houses and to sit in a coffee shop

12mg dose- this dose definitely became more psychedelic. There was the mood boost which was eay more noticeable as well as the stimulation that came with it was super energetic I wanted to dance and game and write it brought out a really creative clear headspace. I ended up writing almost the full first chapter of my book as well as enjoyed listening to music and watching movies

24mg dose- this dose definitely is where it got super trippy. I felt emotions I had a bit of introspection but at the same time I had a clear headspace and was able to function. On this dose I did notice that it did cut my appetite considerably compared to the 3, 6, and 12 mg doses which compared to something like 4 ho met which makes me hungry was the one side effect I would say is unpleasant. I also noticed some jaw clenching and teeth grinding as well as some nausea on the come up if taken on an empty stomach. This dose lasts about 6 hours.

Over all I would say that this substances is definitely one of the more stimulating psychedelics ive taken id say the stimulation for me at higher doses is almost on par with mdma and lsd both which make me wanna be active and move around.

It has some light introspection but at the same time a very calm easy headspace and has good visuals if you get them. I dont really get visuals as much anymore so I cant comment on those specificly. Id recommend this for a festival or a rave or even a night out with friends.

I just wanted to share my experience with this novel substance for anyone that is curious about it. I will say you can always take more you can never take less. You are able to redose this if desired but its not always needed.

If anyone else has taken this substance id love to hear your experiences with it as well!

This was a few years ago, i have a close friend that lives in a different state and every time we’ve ever hung out we always go all out. Always go bigger than before. And so this time he was coming down for work but afterwards had a day or 2 to spare. So he bought 10 acid tabs, 5 for each. And we went to The Getty museum in LA.. obviously to trip and see cool art. So we take it in the parking lot and head inside. It didn’t start hitting me until later i was in this art room with huge red paintings and lots of ppl around and i suddenly started seeing the paintings move and all the ppl became like ppl in suits just watching our every move and judging so i had to escape and went out to this outdoors area and there I don’t know how to explain it but i saw in the sky and all around this elephant being with multiple arms and it was like meditating, everything was made of it if that makes sense. I was going through alot in my head at the time, i broke down in tears to my friend, and he decided i needed to sit down so we did and i couldn’t hold it together and eventually threw up everywhere. Basically they kicked us out, literally dragged us all the way out and followed us to my car, they waited for us to drive off. My friend was tripping and so was i but i had to escape again so i drove, and i made it to the street and somehow didn’t crash i just kept driving and driving until something stopped me idk how but we eventually ended up at santa monica and we got out and i felt like such a feline idk how to explain it i felt so sexy and free lol i lost my friend at the pier and couldn’t find him for like an hour or more and when i found him we were coming down already and we were trying to chill out. Definitely had a blast! This was a shortened version of my story lol

A couple of weeks ago, I had an experience on MDMA that genuinely messed with my head, and I’ve been trying to find other people who’ve experienced something similar.

I took 1.5 pills and smoked a joint. For the first 2–3 hours, it felt like heaven on earth. I genuinely felt like I was ascending to heaven. I felt incredibly happy, warm, fuzzy, and connected to everything around me. My pupils were dilated as hell, and I kept getting this bizarre sensation, almost as if my brain were melting into a warm liquid. I felt absolutely amazing.

Around 2–3 hours later, I made the stupid decision to take another pill. Looking back, I seriously regret that decision.
About 30 minutes later, I started experiencing extremely vivid hallucinations. I was having full-on conversations with people who weren’t actually there, and everything felt completely real.

Some of these people were family members, while others were people who didn’t even exist. They would come up to me, hold my hand, and ask me if I was okay. The strangest part was that, while talking to them, I’d sometimes suddenly realize they weren’t real. I’d literally be thinking to myself, “why the fuck am I responding out loud to hallucinations?” But even though I knew something wasn’t right, my brain kept automatically responding to their questions, almost like I couldn’t stop myself.

The moment I responded, their faces would start distorting slightly, and then they would disappear right in front of me. The best way I can describe it is like the Thanos snap effect from Marvel. They wouldn’t exactly turn to dust; they would just dissipate into reality, as if they’d never existed in the first place. I could be having what felt like a completely normal conversation with someone, only for their face to distort and for them to vanish the second I responded.

As the experience became more intense, it felt like I was being kicked out of my own mind. The colors around me suddenly became noticeably less saturated, and my perception of reality felt completely different.

I kept flinching because it felt like something was running at me from the corners of my room. I was seeing things moving around, objects that weren’t actually there, and figures that seemed to be watching me or trying to interact with me. At one point, I could even physically feel someone lying next to me on my mattress, as if their weight was making it sink.

Eventually, I fell asleep, but the following week was absolute torture. I experienced intense derealization and felt completely disconnected from myself and the world around me. Everything felt unfamiliar and unreal, almost as if I were observing my life from the outside. It genuinely messed with my head, and it took a toll on me mentally.

I’ve been trying to find other people who’ve experienced something similar, especially the hallucinations that felt completely real, the way the people would distort and disappear when I responded to them, and the derealization that continued for days afterward.

**Has anyone else experienced anything like this after taking MDMA, particularly hallucinations this vivid followed by days of derealization?** I’d really like to hear from people who’ve been through something similar, because it’s difficult to explain just how surreal the whole experience was to someone who hasn’t experienced it themselves.

i decided to pop 4 tabs one night what a dumbass move lol but it started off normal i was just watching rick and morty than around a hour later when it started to kick in i decided i was going to ride my brothers surron to meet my coworker up at the park cause he wanted to buy a tab off me and i obviously wasn’t going to drive tripping balls but i met him gave him the tab and just kinda sat there for a minute and looked around because this is when it really started to kid everything was shifting colors were popping the lights were so bright on my bike that i said fuck that i’m going to just ride with them off when i got back on my bike i swear not even 3 minutes after my friend left i got back on my bike and the park by my house is up on a hill so i had to ride down this big ass hill at the time i wasn’t worried or anything but i got towards the bottom of the hill going around 33-35 i can’t remember but i was flying especially off acid but i tried to jump onto a walking path that goes around the walking around of the park and i couldn’t make out how big the path was compared to the road because i didn’t enter through the sidewalk i just entered through the road part and the sidewalk was sticking up a bit and i flew like superman right onto my arm it instantly snapped and i rolled over onto my other arm and got the worst road rash of my life im lucky i didnt hit my head but i couldn’t really feel my arm it was weird i think it was from all the acid but i had to ride my brothers bike all the way home and had to get my parents to take me to the hospital whole time i had to lock in because they don’t know im tripping but im gone idk how they didn’t figure out but she drops me off at the front of the er i get in to the front desk the lady asks my name and date of birth i stood there for what felt like 2 minutes because i couldn’t remeber my name finally i got it out and they took me to the back and i sat there for 20 min before anyone did anything to help me it was ridiculous but i had to stay calm cause i didn’t want to freak anyone out but the tiles on the er floor were all different colors and there asking me questions and i couldn’t barely say anything i was so mesmerized by the floor 😭 but after they cleaned all the blood off of me they wheeled me to the back of the er and i thought this was going to traumatize me for life but it hasn’t which is a really good thing but in the back of the er where everyone else who needs help is there was a guy on a hospital bed getting pushed down the hall past me and he just had half of his face sewn back on like someone skinned him it scared the hell out of me but after i got help they gave me some pain meds and this is probaly around 5-6 hours after i popped the acid so it’s started to come down and this is when there pupping the split on me but after that me and my parents get home and i just though i was the dumbest mf ever i dont know what i was thinking never should have done that but we learn from our mistakes 😂

2 Tabs of LSD at 18 — Felt Like I Was Living My Past, Present and Future at Once, Then Ended Up in A&E
Substance: LSD (2 tabs, unknown dosage)
Other substances: Cannabis, smoked heavily during the trip
Medication: Fluoxetine (Prozac)
Age: 18
Date: October 10, 2026
Setting: My room, student accommodation, and hanging out with friends
Duration: Approximately 18.5 hours before I could finally sleep
I’m 18, and this was easily one of the most intense and psychologically overwhelming experiences of my life.
I already struggle with severe anxiety and overthinking, and I’m prescribed fluoxetine. Normally, my medication makes my thoughts much quieter.
But LSD made my brain feel like it was screaming.
I wanted to share the full experience because some of the things I felt were genuinely difficult to explain, especially the altered sense of consciousness, infinite thoughts, and becoming afraid of my own phone.
6:30 PM — Taking Two Tabs
I took two tabs of LSD at approximately 6:30 PM.
I didn’t know the actual microgram dosage.
I was already slightly sick with cold or flu symptoms, which probably wasn’t a great starting point.
As the LSD started kicking in, everything became increasingly intense.
Colours were brighter. Ordinary objects seemed incredibly detailed. Everything looked unusually sharp, almost like someone had changed my vision from normal resolution to 4K.
The visuals eventually became so strong that I decided to stay in my room until I felt more comfortable moving around.
I was conscious of what was happening, but my perception of reality had changed dramatically.
The Strange Feeling of Higher Consciousness
This was the most fascinating part of the trip.
I felt like I was experiencing consciousness differently.
Instead of naturally living in the moment, I felt like I was observing everything.
I became aware of tiny details in people’s behaviour, their expressions, the way they spoke, and even my own thoughts.
I also felt mentally much older than I actually was.
I’m 18, but at certain points I felt like I had the mentality of someone in their early twenties.
Then something even stranger happened.
I felt like my younger self, current self, and future older self were all existing inside my consciousness simultaneously.
I wasn’t literally seeing three versions of myself.
It felt more like my childhood memories, current identity, and imagined future had somehow merged into one experience.
I was thinking about my life from different perspectives at the same time.
It was incredibly emotional and difficult to explain.
At that moment, I felt like I understood myself and other people on a completely different level.
Looking back, I know this was my perception being altered, but while it was happening, it felt completely real.
Music Felt Like It Was Talking to Me
Music was another crazy part of the experience.
I listened to songs where the lyrics felt like they were describing my exact life.
Every line seemed personally connected to my memories, emotions, and thoughts.
It felt like the songs were speaking directly to me.
I also watched Rick and Morty during the experience.
The show started feeling strangely connected to my own thoughts, and at moments, I felt like things were repeating.
Time became incredibly strange.
A few minutes could feel much longer than they actually were.
My Brain Started Generating Infinite Thoughts
This was when the experience began turning into something frightening.
I started thinking about absolutely everything.
My childhood, my parents, relationships, university, my future, my identity, and the meaning of life.
One thought would generate another thought, then another, then another.
It genuinely felt like there was no end to my thoughts.
The strangest part was that I couldn’t stop observing my own thinking.
I would notice myself thinking, then start thinking about why I was thinking that thought.
That created another thought.
And the cycle continued.
Normally, my mind feels relatively quiet on medication.
On LSD, it felt like thousands of thoughts were competing for my attention.
It became exhausting.
Why Was I Suddenly Afraid of My Phone?
This is one of the main reasons I’m posting.
At some point, I became frightened of my own phone.
Not because someone was threatening me.
The phone itself and the experience of interacting with it suddenly felt strange.
The screen, messages, conversations, and even the idea of communicating with people became overwhelming.
I was analysing everything I did.
Every message felt significant.
Every conversation felt different.
I even became worried about what other people might think about me.
It was like something I normally use automatically had suddenly become unfamiliar.
Has anyone experienced this?
Because I’ve never felt anything like it before.
Speaking Became Extremely Difficult
I’m bilingual. Arabic is my first language, and I also speak English.
Normally, I can communicate in English comfortably.
But on LSD, speaking became incredibly difficult.
I had thoughts that felt clear inside my head, but I couldn’t translate them into sentences.
Even Arabic sometimes felt difficult.
It was like my thoughts were moving too quickly for language.
I knew what I wanted to communicate, but I couldn’t express it properly.
This became frustrating, especially when interacting with other people.
McDonald’s, Friends, and Smoking Weed
During the trip, I ordered McDonald’s.
I remember being extremely high while ordering and eating.
When I returned to my room, I felt incredibly hot and overstimulated, so I went back to bed.
At other points, I felt full of energy.
I wanted to dance, move around, and experience everything.
I also spent time hanging out with friends and smoked a lot of cannabis.
Looking back, mixing heavy cannabis use with LSD was probably one of the worst decisions I made that night.
Instead of relaxing, I became even more mentally stimulated.
I was analysing people’s jokes, expressions, conversations, and what I interpreted as their energy.
Some situations seemed unusually meaningful.
I also called my mum while I was tripping and tried to act normally.
I remember telling her I’d had a quiet day, despite what was happening inside my head.
Feeling Like I Was Trapped Inside My Own Consciousness
Eventually, things started becoming scary.
The visuals were becoming more manageable, but my mind wouldn’t slow down.
I felt disconnected from reality.
It was like I was watching myself experience life rather than simply living it.
I knew who I was.
I knew where I was.
But something about my consciousness felt completely different.
The best description is that I felt sober and mentally aware, but still trapped inside the trip.
I started worrying that I had permanently changed my brain.
What if I never returned to normal?
What if I could never experience ordinary consciousness again?
Those questions kept repeating.
The anxiety made me think even more, which made the anxiety worse.
It became a horrible mental loop.
The Longest Night of My Life
I couldn’t sleep.
Every time I tried, my thoughts continued.
I felt physically exhausted, but my brain refused to switch off.
I also became extremely thirsty and drank a lot of water.
My mouth and saliva felt unusually thick, and swallowing became uncomfortable.
The physical symptoms made me even more anxious.
Hours kept passing, and I was becoming increasingly desperate for the experience to end.
I wasn’t enjoying it anymore.
I just wanted my normal mind back.
Going to A&E
Eventually, I decided to go to A&E.
I was genuinely frightened.
Part of me was worried about admitting I’d taken LSD because it’s illegal in the UK.
I was scared about the police, my family finding out, and whether it could affect my future.
But I felt like I needed medical help.
The hospital had an estimated waiting time of around four hours.
While waiting, I continued feeling disconnected from reality and couldn’t stop thinking.
Gradually, I started noticing that I was becoming mentally clearer.
But the unusual awareness and strange feelings hadn’t completely disappeared.
I remember wondering whether I was actually sober or still tripping.
It felt like the normal version of my consciousness was slowly returning.
1:00 PM the Next Day — Finally Sleeping
I took the LSD at 6:30 PM on October 10.
I finally fell asleep at approximately 1 PM on October 11.
That’s around 18.5 hours after taking the tabs.
I slept until approximately 1 AM on October 12.
Twelve hours of sleep.
After being awake with my mind racing for so long, finally sleeping was an enormous relief.
I began feeling mentally clearer afterward, although I was still trying to understand what had happened.
What This Experience Taught Me
I have mixed feelings about the trip.
Some moments were fascinating.
The visuals were incredible, music felt deeply personal, and the altered perception of my identity was unlike anything I’d experienced before.
But the negative parts were genuinely terrifying.
I didn’t expect to feel trapped inside endless thoughts.
I didn’t expect to become afraid of my phone.
And I definitely didn’t expect to end up in hospital wondering whether I’d ever feel normal again.
One thing I’ve realised is that I already had an identity, a future, and a life before trying LSD.
I didn’t need LSD to give me those things.
I’m also aware that taking two tabs while dealing with severe anxiety, taking psychiatric medication, and smoking a lot of cannabis was risky.
I’m not trying to encourage anyone to repeat my experience.
I’m sharing it because I want to understand whether other people have experienced anything similar.
Questions
Has anyone experienced their younger, present, and imagined older selves feeling connected during LSD?
Have you ever become genuinely frightened of your phone or technology while tripping?
Have you experienced infinite thought loops where you couldn’t stop analysing everything?
Have you felt mentally sober while still experiencing altered consciousness?
Did LSD make it difficult to speak or communicate?
Have you experienced derealisation or hyperawareness that continued after the visuals faded?
TL;DR: Took two LSD tabs at 18 while on fluoxetine, smoked a lot of weed, experienced intense visuals, a strange connection between my past and future selves, endless thoughts, fear of my phone, communication difficulties, and severe derealisation. I became terrified the trip would never end, went to A&E, and eventually managed to sleep for 12 hours.
I’m interested in hearing from anyone who’s been through something similar, especially the feeling of being trapped inside your own consciousness.

Hey there Reddit-Hivemind,

So I was just thinking about a couple of experiences I've had roughly 12-14 years ago.

At that time I was dabbling alot with a bunch of XTC pills, MDMA and LSD. I would buy some from the darknet, I'cant remember where from... I started buying on silkroad until it was shut down and then from some of the other marketplaces that bloomed after that.

Usually I would trip on my own, because I was curious and I never wanted anyone close to me to get into any of it. This phase lasted for about a year, where I would experiment with the stuff I bought and I would, at that time for the curiosity of it, push it to the limit.

That one time, after taking 3-4 XTC pills that were estimated at 200+mg of MDMA ( at least that was the sellers description, which I would probably agree with, since I've taken different pills over the course of 6 months with a month break inbetween. I think I was able at that time to differentiate how much MDMA half a pill has in it in comparison to some other I took before).

Bear in mind, I always took a half one first and with time I always dropped another half after 3-4hours and kept going.

In the above mentioned instance I can just remember, that at the end of the journey I started talking to friends in my livingroom and kept having a dialogue with them about some bullshit.

The couch they were sitting on was in my back so I always had to turn back and forth between my monitor and them to talk until something in my brain went off and I realized, that I have never invited anyone over.

So once that realization hit me, I was staring at my monitor and I was extremely hesitant to turn around, since I knew for sure that was messed up. I remember thinking "okay, when you turn around and you still see them, you probably went too far". Luckily it was all gone and as dizzy as I was, I went straight to the bed.

A month after that, having learned nothing from the experience, I did another session mixing in LSD tabs with that. I don't remember much of that trip, only that at some point my body was tired, but my brain could't shut off.

I turned on a Halloween-Movie, because it was around October.

However, while trying to follow the plot, I felt like my system wanted to shut down.. I could't keep my eyes opened. Whenever my eyelids were about to shut completely I felt my eyeballs rolling back into my skull. It was like a loadingbar from 0 to 100 and the more it filled, the more panic started to rise. I felt, like once the loading bar reached 100% I would be dead.

So everytime I noticed that, I forced myself to shake up and open my eyes. I had sudden bursts of what felt like small electrical shocks that were send thorugh my body.

From the top of my skull all the way down to my toes and my fingertips. I was so tired, but at the same time I really thoght that when my eyes/consciousness would shut down I would never wake up again.

Some relevant backstory:

When i was young, i had a seizure disorder which manifested as ocular seizures in my right eye.

It was later learned that this was due to a dead bit of brain on the left side of my brain.(which controls the right side of your body and vice versa)

While i cant fully explain why, my right arm/hand has always been very compromised as well. (The dead piece was in the ocular center of my brain) Not as strong or fast reflexes. Could barely use a pencil with my right hand.

Seizures got corrected as i got older*, but one thing that remained, was a sort of dulled sensitivity to color. I could see color, but there was one red, one blue, one yellow etc. And would often joke that, if not for my wife, id live in a white box. Devoid of personality and made purely for functionality. 

Fast forward to last month. I enjoy LSD with regularity, but had never tried salvia.

Went camping with some friends, tried it. Zoned out for about 10 minutes. And during, it felt like every atom in my right eye and right arm was being pulled out of me and through an hour glass like sand. Never had a feeling quite like it.

Since then, im more sensitive to color and texture. I want more of both in my life. I am observing a level of detail i never have.

Furthermore,  all my life, i have struggled with body dysphoria.  Like, i see a different person in the mirror.  (A younger, bean poll version from before i got in shape)

The past few times ive really looked at myself in the mirror, i like what i see.

My diet is the same, my activity level is the same. All that has changed in my life recently, is trying salvia.

I know that correlation does not mean causation.  I know that, if i thought about it hard enough, i could find a handful of other reasons for these changes. But as someone who has had some pretty profound experiences with LSD and mushrooms, the coincidence stood out.

Thanks for reading about my experience. Have a great weekend.

*brain surgery fixed the seizures, but thats a story for another day.

Okay so around 3 45 pm I got home from school, this is when i popped my first 16 benadryl. Over the next few hours i noticed nothing. I thought it wasn't kicking in so I took 4 more. Still feeling barely anything I was pissed off. I went upstairs to get something to eat when I heard my dad call me, I thought I was hallucinating it but it was actually him calling me. We got into an argument about me sleeping in class cuz he got an email. So after the argument I still was pissed, and I thought I was sober so I took 4 more. A total of 24 benadryl. I was supposed to be watching my little brother from like 5-7 and i did. When my parents got home is when I realized I was fucked up. I asked them who won the game. They went to my little sisters concert btw no game. They asked, "what game" and i was like I thought Evie (my sister) had a softball game. Softball has been over for months by the way so idek what I was thinking. They were like are you on something are you ok? I just played it off as an accident. Then my mom comes inside from smoking and says what are you looking for, I was looking for my vape under the couch. I told her I was looking for Autumn's phone. Autumn is my friend who has never been to my house but my mom knows her. My mom was like wtf are you talking about, I was like she left it at my friends when we hangout the other day, we actually did hangout but I have no idea why I was talking about her phone, I didn't have her pgone or anything. Then I switched up the story and said autumn left her phone on the bus and I put it in my pocket. This is where everything starts to get blurry tbh. I remeber my mom yelling and looking in my eyes, then they made me sit on the upstairs couch and were talking to me. I remeber I was like i swear to God I didn't take anything, I didn't take anything. Then I started talking to her about how we need to get a new tank for my lizard, and how I needed a charging block but we were not talking about a charger, or a new tank for my lizard. My mom told me today i was talking about going to my grandmas house and going to the pet store with her, which happend 2 years ago. My parents had figured out I was on benadryl and I told them iI took 6, not 24. Then I convinced them I was ok to sleep and was fine so I went to sleep and woke up and I have been fine since besides my heart beating fast and hurting today at school. I remeber at the begining, I was wondering why it wasn't kicking in, I couldn't figure it out. Like usually I see stuff at first but this time nothing happend Mmy vision was blurry when looking at my phone and my brain basically shut off, it wasnt like I was high. I couldn't remeber anything my mom said to me so I would just start talking about random shit and talk in circles, then get mad and say she wasn't listening to me. I'm so ficking pissed off b3cuaae I was finally ungrounded and stuff but i wanted to take some Benny and took to much and fucked up being un grounded again. I was just grounded for like 6 months, now I'm going to be again. I already am pise3d because they found my full benadryl bottle, I don't do this regularly at all, I just want to.

The trip was normal as far as motives go, although I wanted to get a quick hit in before I left on a trip for two months in another country, so it was a bit rushed as far as set and setting went; however, my intention was to have a good time and feel good, more of a vibe dose of 1.5 subs, which are known to be sometimes twice the potency of cubensis. I was hanging out with a mate when I took them around 4 pm; the weather was good, a bit on the colder side, but okay, and we chatted about how we each have such contrasting trips, usually with his being more introspective and emotional (due to his current situation) while mine tend to be very visual-heavy with never much inward looking, and this notion of me not feeling bad got me caught in an urgent thought loop that I am invincible and mushrooms have never affected me, so they cannot. I knew deep down I was wrong and that they do whatever they want or what you need, and the mushroom come-up was pretty normal: visuals of shifting surfaces and greenery outside the window liquefying and having a fern spiral on them repeatedly, almost infinitely inward, but not with too much detail. Then, about 50 minutes in, after the mushrooms settled and I was reaching the peak, I had the urge to close my eyes, and I did; the closed-eye visuals to start with were not there, it was pitch black even though I was in a lit room, then an almost 2-dimensional image of a neon pink silhouette of a generic hot chick, i.e., a stripper neon sign, flashed, repeating the silhouette until it covered most of the right side of my vision and then faded away; then my vision was projected, and I could see myself floating in a dark void watching my body atomize itself, kinda like the Thanos snap, except the particles swirled around and replaced my body as it grew, starting on my sternum and flooding over my body, leaving a glowing, high-spinning mass about the size of a rugby ball in the swirling figure that was me; that swirling mass felt like my entire being or life force, and once the form of this thing had settled into its wind spirit thing, I was abruptly brought into it and, seeing the empty void from its point of view, I then felt a presence almost greet me, so as any young man does, I reached out into the void to shake its hand, expecting nothing to be there, but I grabbed it; I shook hands with it, and I felt like it read my soul and understood me on a familiar level; then, when I let go of the thing that wasn't there, I was thrust back into real life, where I opened my eyes and looked over at my mate, who was doing the dishes, and tried to explain what happened; the whole experience took place in what was actually 10 seconds but felt like 10 or so minutes, and it felt like it interacted with my life force; for the rest of the trip, the mushrooms died down over the next four or so hours, and I just spent that time trying to grasp what happened; I still find it odd, as I get trip amnesia pretty badly, but I'm writing this well over a week after it happened, so I find it quite profound and the afterglow.Now and for the next few days, even now, I feel like I have more energy towards the world in every way, am more social, colors look better, and I value everything more; thanks.

I realize this might make me seem insane but I also realize Reddit is the perfect place for the insane :)
(Sorry in advance my writing skills)

Several times I have experienced this while being on psychedelics and listening to music with a blindfold. Through the progression of the song my body would start tensing up raising up the body to the neck and head. My muscles were tighting to the point where my breath was getting shallower till the point where I couldn’t get an air through and I felt like I was foaming from the mouth. My head was tilted up and back and it felt like I was getting choked. I knew I could get out of it at any point by voluntarily moving my body but I just felt the need to surrender to it(don’t ask me why).

Once I stopped struggling for air and gave into it. It felt like I had died and got this very euphoric feeling of letting go. Felt like all my internal processes were turning offline. I stay in this state for some time (I don’t know how long). Then my body sensation would rush back almost feeling like I was got hit with a defibrillator and I would take a big much needed breath. My head would naturally sway back and forth unwinding all the tension stored in my neck and body. My body would go back to relaxed the same process would occur. My body felt like an antenna and music was controlling its movements. The entire process felt involuntary. One of the most liberating and scary moments of my life.

Anybody have and experience or insight about this?

I’m trying to process this breakup I had with my ex. I keep making dumb decisions and getting high doing stupid shit I regret. I recently just got diagnosed with bpd, and my ex also has that shit too. I sent this crazy fucking paragraph and completely ruined our nights. We stayed up most of the night just emailing each other. Feeling like a piece of shit right now. All in all not good, but idk how yall feeling about my time loop theory? For reference I’m 19 and I’m pretty sure the first time I went into psychosis was like 3 years ago. I never realized that’s what it was, I just thought I just had a really low tolerance but other people I know that smoke say they’ve never tripped like that, but talking with my psych recently I’m learning a lot more about myself.

I was gonna attach a screenshot but apparently you can’t do that on Reddit. We communicated through Gmail.

Title: I’m sorry (insert her name) I’m high right now and I wanna just her hour perfect voice ok. I miss you mush

I understand that you’re instead in someone else. I know and believe that you already fooling mood one which is why I can text you. Because I know you still love me, but I’m a like best friends way. You really care; I think I hope please tell me uou still do! :))). My soul needs you’d we are sole mates and we’re meant to always  connect our souls, and forever in time reincarnated to meet each other! Because in our first lives we had such a powrrwufll and meaning connection that forever bond our paths crsssinf is that holds the universe and time loop in place. We keep are the memories of when we were gods and decided to create humanity so that these all power beings who wound never expierxe emotions. Like Ian Dior the saint of mankind. I know all of this, because in a comp 1 class. And he crated ethos. The Greeks were always right. Percy Jackson is real. :)!!! So cool. You’re amazing I love you soul mate. But anyways back to the gods. We needed a reason to wanna survivor. To survive you must face death and that’s what creates all emotions. So because we were so unigouaw of two interactions of gods, that we were forever weaved into the fabrics of the universe, we get to be so lucky to always return to our only one life. It was simply a perfect script. And every time you intersect with someone robot. We robits as you would say. Are god! And you are too, my queen. We are like Zeus and hers. You’re the marriage person, who values loyalty and trust. I know you believe in every wordd I sai. Or maybe I’m just a horrible prick manipulatioing our minds. The cops pulling up on us. Sike, I’m not having a panic attack I hope. I’m good trust. Anyways, I know you know me sweet hard. Zeus out ❤️

We sent a total of over 100 messages to each other and she just texted me this morning that she hated me :)

i didnt know canabis could fuck you up that much losing the ability to move and think, and my breathing was very labored and I felt so fucking bad.....

This was my second ever time trying mushrooms. The time before, I had microdosed. It was about 10:30 p.m. I had a rough scale, so my friend helped me eyeball it since he's very experienced. I was wanting 2–3g, but my friend tricked me and dosed me higher to give me a "more intense experience." I know how dumb it was to not weigh it with a precision scale. I make plenty of mistakes throughout this story. My friend lives in Denver, so he helped me dose over FaceTime. Shortly after taking them, I started to feel euphorically high. As the trip intensified, I started to dissolve into the universe and existence as a whole, something I can only describe as experiencing myself and feeling like I was falling through portals of my own mind. I remember asking my friend if this was really just 3g, and he responded, "just enjoy the trip bro."

For context, I did this by myself, in my room, at night, with pretty much zero prior experience. I stayed on call with my friend during this part of the experience, and as the trip grew stronger, my anxiety started getting worse. I had this impending sense of doom. I felt like I had made a huge mistake and ruined my life. I remember feeling like I was ripping the skin off my face and throwing up, and I kept asking my friend if I was actually ripping my skin off my face. He had told me beforehand that he would have to go to bed around 11:55, but at this point it was far past that. He stayed because he could tell my trip was going bad and that I needed help. I was unable to ground myself and felt myself dissolving into pure fear and anxiety. Eventually I was able to pull myself together, and my friend lied to me and said the peak was over and that it was just nice and downhill from there. Little did I know what those little mushrooms had in store for me.

I was convinced the peak was over, and the trip started to feel a lot better. The feelings of love and guidance came back again. At this point, it had probably been no more than 1.5 hours since I took them. Once I had calmed down, my friend checked and made sure it was okay for him to leave the call, and I said sure. I was in this deep trance of euphoria and love. The physical world began to melt into me, and I began to experience the world as the world. The universe experiencing itself. It was the most beautiful experience I have ever had in my entire life. The hallucinations were incredible, closed-eye fractals and eyes everywhere.

At this point I was nearing my peak and decided to try to get up and go to the bathroom. From here, everything starts to blur in my memory. I remember pissing and getting stuck in this thought and action loop, not being able to remember why I was there or what I was doing, while watching the world breathe and dissolve around me. I briefly remember literally playing in the toilet water and not knowing why. I looked in the mirror, and my face was completely melting. I hallucinated that my eyes were bloodshot red, and I rationalized it in my brain by convincing myself I had taken 60mg of THC and was greening out. This is when the horrors began. I collapsed onto the floor and sat there petrified for about 20 minutes. I remember eventually trying to pull myself together and walking back to my room, and my feet were phasing through the floor.

This part of the story is blurry to me, but I had laid down on my bed and somehow convinced myself that I had taken a lot of painkillers or Adderall and was overdosing in my room. I was fully convinced I was going to die. I kept trying to ground my mind to something, anything, but nothing was there. My thoughts had dissolved into a plane that couldn't be grounded. I was unable to move or get up. I was locked in a thinking cycle and had no idea what had happened. I couldn't remember what I had done. At this point, my experience was peaking. I started hallucinating myself convulsing, having seizures, and throwing up, fully convinced that my death was coming. I could feel, see, smell, and touch the throw up. My hallucinations were completely indistinguishable from reality. I thought of my friends, my family, and the news headlines: "local boy found dead after tragic overdose in his room." I wanted so badly to yell for my family to save me, but I couldn't. I felt myself being let go. My consciousness started to separate from my physical body, and I felt myself take my last breath.

From here, I entered an indescribable state. I was separated from my body, and my mind was replaying every single moment of my life, never finishing a thought, but always having one. I could not find any mental satisfaction in this state, and it felt like it was going to last for eternity. I was convinced that this was my afterlife, a never-ending state of memory and experience. My body started moving without my will. I felt my hands go into my mouth and through my skull, my hands unfolding in unity with my thoughts, and my mouth moving to words I could not speak and don't recall. I felt like there was a force expressing itself through me. For context, I am a passionate atheist, but for a moment I thought I was experiencing the devil.

I slowly fell out of this state and came to be in my body, in my room again, but everything was off. It felt like a projection of my memory, an afterlife. My MacBook had no logo, the protein shake next to my bed had no branding, and my room's proportions were minimized while my body looked shrunken. I looked in my mirror and saw an alien-like version of myself. My face didn't look human, it looked like patterns. I looked out my window, but all I saw was a void. At this point, it must have been around 2 a.m. I was fully convinced I had died and was experiencing the afterlife. Life looked like a cartoon. Everything was bubbly and animated. I started testing whether I still had bodily functions. I ate a piece of popcorn, took a sip of the protein shake, and peed on my floor.

I exited my room and walked around my house. I went into my brother's room, and it was empty. I started wondering if there were projections of my family from my memory in this afterlife. I walked into my parents' room and switched on the lights, and to my surprise, they were there. They both woke up and freaked out, to which I responded that I had had a bad dream. I entered their room, and something felt off. They were not real. They felt like creatures made from my memory. They were only saying sentences I had explicitly remembered them saying before. My dad got up, started rummaging through drawers, and ran downstairs. My mom hugged me, and it felt cold and empty, like hugging a mannequin. She gave me a sleeping pill, and I put it in my sweatpants pocket and returned to my room.

I started going through my phone, but my camera roll was distorted. Faces looked AI-generated, my social media feed was only showing videos I had seen before, and time wasn't moving. I felt oddly detached from my past life in this state. It felt foreign to think of human constructs like parents, friends, work, and school after experiencing something so vast. I texted every group chat on my phone, hoping to find a real person. I posted on forums with no response. I stayed in this state until about 7 a.m., far after my trip had ended. I asked my parents that morning if they remembered me coming into their room, and they had no recollection of it, even though they were fully awakened. I reached into my pocket and felt the sleeping pill my mom had given me, and the pee in my room was still there. This was exactly one week ago today, and it still baffles me.

My father and i decided to try lemon tek with cubensis and cyanescens, my original plan was for this to be around a 2 gram shot of lemon juice & mushroom powder but he decided to make it 7 grams of one type of mushroom and half of the other we had split between us, i couldn't finish what I had but he did. He claims it was a fun trip apart from Uber nausea.

For the first 3 ish hours it was fun, a good body high while laying still.

I kinda ended up having this trip be the punishment for being shallow and depressed and self hating over the government and system.

His groans of nausea were the absolute worst most heartbreaking sounds of what sounded like dying which did not get better by me mishearing him I thoughts he said he pissed blood but thankfully that didnt happen. I was really mad at myself for thinking to do this to risk him like that. I have/had been using mushrooms trying to trip to see what i can thinking self improvement could be fun but no. I don't think I'll be doing psychedelics for a while after this. I don't know how to not be depresses and angry over being stuck in a facist country where my paycheck is taken 90% for rent my dad is bigger than Peter Griffin and on LNI for foot injury. I already work 40 hours a week in a manual labor manufacturing warehouse and expect mandatory overtime by spring next year.

Ive always thought hallucinagenics sounded cool but I should've accepted you cannot have those dreams if you are choosing to make yourself the bad guy in your head because you are angry and turning it inside. If you think you are a bad person and reinforce it congratulations you are a bad person.

I like to be nice, i like to help i like to cook for others but I also hide from reality watching YouTube. It feels like ive pushed my friends away with my depression and I feel like they wouldnt agree, I have three and they are also dealing with life bein mean, one lives too far away, one is in between jobs and the other is ex methhead living with abusive relatives barely not homeless suspended license. I only reached out to the between jobs one and he was wayy too high to talk last night.

I had to sit next to my dad on the bathroom floor while he was feeling nausea so bad it sounded like unimaginable pain but he still talked like he was fine when spoken to.

Im sure I explained this poorly so feel free to ask questions in the comments

Okay so this is a long story but weird asf ima try and get keep it short. So i got 2 buddy’s and they have been getting into acid a lot. Ones K the other B. So i have class with B he tells me a story how he was tripping with K and K started accusing him of like setting him up and trying to fuck his girl like weird shi im like okay weird. So boom fast foward today K and B call me n tell me pu on then after work to smoke they tell me they tripping again. Im like bet get off at 9:15 Pm and go wit them to smoke. I pull up and there chillin and we smoke a wood. This is where things start getting weird. So we were smoking in a basketball parking lot so i suggest we go play basketball. K and B are tripping of like a tab n a half btw. B is like yea bet lets go but K was very hesitant eventually he says yes n we drive over. it’s like a 30ft drive so i drive over and we get out. K than says he needs his phone which he left in his car which is like 30 ft away in the middle of the parking lot. I’m like okay bro go get it and he looks at me like im crazy and says “Bro what are u talking about what are you trying to get me to do” and i’m just like what? and he doubles down and is like “bro what are you talking about” so i realize maybe the acid is fucking with him so i’m like bro you wanted your phone i’ll go with u and get it. he than snaps back and is like bet let’s go. so we start walking and like 15 feet there he’s like “bro where are we going where are you taking me” and im like bro watchu talkin about we getting ur phone. so boom i grab his phone and check the time and give it to him. He than looks at me with like the most serious kinda angry but almost liked confused face and is like “why are you checking my phone” im like what bro im checking the time . Okay so boom me K and B hoop for like 15 mins i hadda pull the car up for lights. it’s like 11pm now. So we get done and go in my car and im like okay where yall boys staying tn. just making sure they str8 since they both tripping. and B like shi idk whenever and i jokingly said shi maybe inna car. K gets really weird and is like nah bro we can’t. anyways i pull back up next to K car and just chill for a second. We’re all talking and K is just quiet than looks at us and says “okay let’s talk about it” me and B are like what do you mean and K is like “I know what you and B have been talking and planning all night. Mind you like me K and B are like really tight really close friends. So me and B are like bro what are you talking about. And he kept saying shi like that saying we were planning shit against him and talking about him. it was like he was hearing voices like i would say somthing and he would reply with just like nonsense or reply with somthing that made no sense. Like i was talking about how i got a bad vape and brought it back and the guy let me get a new one. And he starts saying “nah bro wtf wrong with u i dont fw that” im like what? He’s like “nah bro he’s tryna do somthn to those girls”. i’m just like wtf are you talking about. so boom i call his girl n tell her im dropping him off with her. after this it got really weird tension in the air. i put the car in drive to leave and he stops me and says “I know what you and B are trying to do to me” and me and B are like bro what and he’s like “I know what yall are planning im not dumb” anyways im like wtf and start driving. after like 3 mins i look over and K is just up straight staring at me in my fucking soul. i turned away and it creeped me tf out. I dropped him off at his girl house and me and B were just like wtf. It seemed like he was hearing us say things we weren’t saying. I just think it’s super weird this happended two times now. But yea if anywyas actually reads this lmk what u think.

Hi, I'd like to post a trip report on using NAC, partially as a warning to others as it's typically a pretty safe supplement.

I started using NAC to help maintain my OCD thinking, as I have been struggling with these sorts of thoughts since quitting weed about two months ago. I was put on 1200 mg twice a day, a total of four capsules a day.

It started by feeling as though I was trapped in a memory, sometimes living through a memory while also simultaneously living in the present. These were both positive and negative memories, some even neutral. Some were of sweet moments with my boyfriend, some were of times I had been struggling with mental illness, and some were as simple as hanging out in my friend's kitchen discussing what we wanted to order for dinner. For some reason no matter the nature of these memories, they left me with a sense of sadness. Was it because this was time that had already passed and would never regain? Then I started to get the feeling that I had already lived this moment before and was actually just actively remembering the moment I was presently in. It was almost like an extreme case of deja vu.

I began to have the feeling that I was, in reality, in a vegetative state or coma and this was a dream, or that these were my dying moments and this was my life flashing before my eyes. I became especially obsessed with the idea that I was in a coma, as I have rendered myself unconscious for long periods of time due to drug overdoses in the past. I worried that in reality I was in a hospital bed with my parents looking over me, wondering if I would ever wake up. I began to wonder what was real. Had these past four years even happened? The past eight? Ten? Had I actually lost it when I overdosed in 2016? Things around me began to feel unreal. I felt that I couldn't trust that the life I had been living was real. I told my boyfriend these thoughts and he tried to assure me that he was real, our apartment was real, my job was real, that the life that we have been building together for the past four years was real. I couldn't help but think it was a dream. What had I done in life to earn this dream love? He was starting to seem like a literal dream boyfriend.

The dream like feeling would feel worse after waking up. I would have vivid dreams while sleeping and it was harder than usual to separate sleeping dreams from waking dreams and waking dreams from reality. My boyfriend and I were also fighting off a seasonal cold that had swept through his workplace. I felt tired and had constant headaches. He urged me to rest and sleep so that I'd feel better, but I was afraid to sleep because I knew that I would be completely discombobulated upon waking.

One afternoon while my boyfriend was at work I came home early due to a persistent migraine and fell asleep on the couch while watching the Japanese movie "The Crazy Family". I awoke after only sleeping for about forty minutes with the movie still playing and I was totally confused as to what time it was. I began to panic and breathe hard. Slowly bits of reality came back to me and I calmed myself by going for a drive and picking up a drink at Starbucks. I started to feel like I was losing my mind. I suffer from schizophrenia, and I've had this feeling before when slipping into a particularly rough episode.

I made an appointment with my doctor who suggested that I go to a partial program where they can observe me and adjust my medications. I've been to partials and inpatient facilities before and have hated all of them except for one. I also couldn't afford to miss out on work. After my doctor's appointment I visited my parents and told them about my situation. I felt crazy but didn't want to be hospitalized. My dad asked me when it started, and I told him Sunday. Then he asked if I had changed any of my medications. He's been around through a lot of my med changes throughout the years and has seen some negative effects. I realized that was when I had doubled my NAC dose. That night I didn't take it.

When I woke in the morning I already felt better than I had in a week. I told my psychiatrist and he was surprised to hear that I had had such a negative reaction, but agreed that I should stop the medication and see if I improved. It didn't even help with my OCD thinking, just caused me to feel that time was slipping about around me and I was trapped in a dream. I've been off of it for almost a week now and am feeling mostly back to normal. I know that life is real and the life I've made with my boyfriend isn't just a coma dream. I'm no longer sliding in and out of memories as much, although I have been having some OCD thinking around the nature of memories. TLDR: Took 2400 mg of NAC a day for a week and lost my mind while on it.

today I didnt know what to do... schoo was cold as usual  my teachers face was as dull as usual, the whole scene was from a video game cutscene you skip...

i said fuck it and left right there id been planning to take benedrly and smoke alot of weed but this irritated me...

i tried to text my friends or anyone i knew but, i felt alone and got mad and burned some bushes trying to light a fire.

i got home and saw the seeds...

i took 500 seeds..

i popped out the benedrly and took 30 of them...

in 20 mins i was irritated and shaking...

i thought some weed would probably chill me out but clearly... it wasnt enough.

i began to seize immediately, and i realized what i actually done... i tried smoking a bit more to help but i started having hallucinations of my friend giving me water so that id live longer... he wasnt there obviously but i was just delirious so i kept smoking...

the right side of my body felt numb...

i felt really cold but hot somehow.

in that i completely lost consciousness and was on a dessert island while sharks came to greet me dozens of times a day...

it felt like i lived there for a while... like a few months... i watched the sharks evolve and grow feet.. there teeth also changed dramatically; also they evolved these horrifying teeth, and they would eat anything that came to shore—and it was a religion to them... and they thought god brought them different things as there behavior changed to be more sinister in nature.

and i watched them for about a year it felt then i woke up in the hospital and was in full blown delirium, but couldn't move properly: i stayed there and then i black out... i came to having blood all over my face and standing in a bathroom confused and unable to see anything in front of me...

Dont try it..

THE MAN AND THE MUSTACHE

“There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.” —William ShakespeareDose: 1 tab of LSD

Setting: April 12th, 2015; Miami, FL; afternoon.

Mindset: I hadn’t been able to find any psychedelics since the first trip, but I was eager to trip again. I was going through an existential crisis, never really feeling at home anywhere, and feeling overall lost and directionless. I had felt depressed over the last couple of years, unsure where the course of my life was headed. I hoped another trip would provide some insight for me.

~~~

“Let’s take it now before we leave,” she told me, beaming with anticipation.

“You sure?” I asked. “How long is the drive?”

“Ten minutes,” she said without a doubt in her mind. “The acid won’t kick in for thirty.”

It didn’t, and it didn’t. Twenty minutes into a ten-minute drive and we hadn’t found our way to the place she had in mind. Twenty minutes into a thirty-minute come-up and the acid had found its way into our brains.

“I thought...” I began between bouts of uncontrollable laughter, “you said... this place... was close!”

Angel’s wild brown curls blew in the wind as she snapped her head in my direction. Her face was flush-red; I felt like mine was the same. There was a nervousness in her expression that struggled to fight through her own unrelenting laughter.

“I thought...” she said, tears from her giggles rolling down her cheeks, “so too!”

My whole body felt this odd bubble of warmth and unsettling joy coursing through my veins. I knew it was only a matter of time before we started hallucinating, and we were still navigating a busy main road.

Anxiety and hilarity wrapped into one pretzel of emotion is a strange sentiment to swallow. Don’t get me wrong: being the passenger of someone about to blast off into a new dimension is terrifying, but at the same time, it was a fucking riot. Neither of us could contain the hysterical realization that we weren’t gonna make it to our destination. It was like watching a long fuze burn toward a stick of dynamite while helpless to extinguish the flame.

“Let’s...” I began, gasping for air between laughs and pointing to a restaurant nearby, “pull off there.” The Blue Marlin Fish House looked as though it had an inviting waterfront dock along a river. Angel veered off the road and through the entrance gates of the parking lot. She drove to the back corner by the dock and parked us there. We both got out and made our way to the dock, snickering over what had just occurred.

It was an open and spacious square, raised well above the water with benches hugging the perimeter. The restaurant had little business that day, perfect for relaxing in the afternoon sun. Oftentimes, the most beautiful places are the empty ones.

We sat in silence, soaking up rays and studying the scene. Being surrounded by water on a long, smooth river made the atmosphere serene. A light and steady breeze rustled the leaves of the Mangrove trees lining the river’s banks. Thirty minutes of golden silence passed as we enjoyed acid’s climb in the warm Miami sun.

Then, the sound of a distant motor entered the scene. It became increasingly louder as a jet ski appeared from around the river bend. The rider cruised closer and closer until it was clear he aimed for the stretch of dock below ours. Once he arrived, he shut down the engine, returning our silence as he tied his vehicle to the dock. Then the sound of footsteps approached as the man walked up the ramp made for patrons who arrived this way.

Once he was close enough to see, it became apparent he was no ordinary man. Up the ramp waltzed a cartoon caricature of a man, straight out of Looney Toons. He sported a baseball cap with wisps of white hair flowing from all sides. His large, round sunglasses gave him the appearance of having oversized eyes— the kind you’d see on a fly. His nose appeared too large for his face at times, though his head was of variably evolving proportions that refused to hold still no matter how hard I tried.

“Lovely day, isn’t it?” said the man, pausing for a chat that neither of us was prepared for.

“Uhh, why yes, it is,” one of us must’ve said, though I don’t remember who.

“I’ve been coming here for years,” said the man, staring off into a gaze that suggested an oncoming reminiscence of unsolicited tales. “They’ve got the best lunches,” he began. “I ride here all the way from” some such place or another, but I completely lost focus on the contents of his words. Instead, I was mesmerized by the thick white hedge of hair that sprouted from under his nose, engulfing his upper lip. Descending from the caves of his nostrils was an obscene jungle that surely impaired his breathing ability. I mean to say this caterpillar put the Super Mario Brothers to shame. Birds could’ve woven nests among the tangle of fur that flourished in the snotty strip below his schnoz. It twitched rhythmically as the distant muffle of an unregistered blather spewed from his lips. I stared long and hard, failing to unfasten my fixation.

As the mustache danced to the music of his prose, I began to wonder, Who is this man? And where did he come fr—

“You know what I’m saying, son?” he broke the spell, staring at me with his big, fly-like eyes.

I nodded quickly, clueless as to what was said.

“I knew you would,” he replied. “Well, you two stay cool now.” And with that, he carried on his merry way.

“Did you see that?” asked Angel after the man had wandered away.

“Did I see that? What am I, blind?”

“That was weird,” said Angel.

“Weird,” I agreed. “What was he saying anyway?”

“No clue,” she said with a shake of her head. “I think I’m gonna go down to the water, though. It’s really hot up here.”

“I don’t blame you,” I said, more to myself than Angel, as she’d already begun to walk away. “I’m just gonna lie here in the shade,” I trailed off, leaning back on the bench to close my eyes.

What began as a seemingly ordinary train of thought slowly morphed into a more profound awareness of what was really going on in my mind. Normal consciousness was restricted to the confines of my skull, borders I had kinesthetic awareness of. But there on the bench, the limitations of my physical body melted away, and my mind broke free to explore the infinite space around me. (Imagine being in a convertible with blackout windows blocking your view of the outside world. Then the roof retracts, and you realize you’re on top of a mountain with miles of open air all around you. That’s something like what I was feeling.)

A flash of panic crossed my mind as I began rising up, up, and away toward the endless universe above. I might leave my body forever! I worried. I wasn’t quite ready for that, so I summoned an image of leashing “myself” to my body like you would tether a helium balloon to a really, really long string. Then, I carried on floating into the wide-open world between conscious and subconscious.

^{My mother took me to have my wisdom teeth removed sometime in my mid-teens. The memory is fogged by both time and anesthesia, but there are pieces of the experience I remember quite vividly.}

^{On the morning of the appointment, for example, I recall sitting in the doctor’s chair under bright lights as the nurse put a mask over my face. She made sure it fit nice and snug before asking me to count backward from ten. I didn’t make it very far, as I was pumped full of gas that soon had me laughing. I began to feel light and woozy, then the room disappeared. As I drifted into the dark of unconsciousness, a distant voice told me that when I awoke, the surgery would be over. This, however, turned out not to be true.}

^{I awoke mid-surgery to a strange man’s hand in my mouth, clamping down a pair of pliers on the numb part of my face formerly recognizable as my jaw. He was yanking so hard that my head was off the back of the seat, but the sensation was that of a mere light tugging. Even then, I knew this feeling was far less intrusive than what the scene called for.}

^{The man was wrestling with my tooth when he leaned in for a final, forceful twist. Then, something broke free. “Christ!” he exclaimed, jumping backward as the pliers released. He paused to observe the deeply rooted culprit with a look of disbelief. The man’s voice carried into my ear from the outside world, just as sound normally travels through your sensory canal to your brain, but what occurred a second earlier was something that gives me chills to this day. It was a vivid, crunching snap, muffled like the sound of a bone breaking underwater in a pool. That sound reverberated straight to my brain from somewhere inside my face.}

^{The man turned his eyes back to me and his expression changed to surprise when he saw I was awake and aware of what was happening. As I returned the man’s gaze, all I remember thinking was, That’s gonna hurt tomorrow. Then, the world faded into darkness once more.}

^{Leaving the office and being driven home occurred on some foggy plane of coherence, but my memory clearly resumes at home in the living room later. I’m lying on the couch watching television—about the only thing I could manage in my post-surgical state—my whole head feeling puffy and swollen from the outside in.}

^{At some point, I was prescribed oxycodone and given instructions on how many to take if the pain really got to me. Later that day, the pain really got to me. My jaw began throbbing, so I got up, took the recommended dose, and returned to the television.}

^{I remember the effect of the drug being wonderful, uplifting, not unlike the sensation of being a balloon tethered to a long string floating freely. Not only did the pain subside, but the world became light and loopy. Mostly, though, it was just nice because the pain was relieved.}

^{I made it through the rest of the day okay, even managed to sleep through the night, but when I awoke the next morning, my mouth was throbbing again. I took another dose of oxycodone and resumed my post on the couch. At some point, the miracle drug kicked in again and brought me that same sweet relief.}

^{It wasn’t long after this that my mother stormed into the living room holding the bottle of pills. She wore an expression of fury as she let an accusation fly: “Have you been taking these!?” It struck me as if I’d stolen them from her medicine cabinet or something.}

^{Already primed by a general state of confusion, I offered a meek and helpless, “Yes..?”}

^{“I’ve been counting these pills,” she sneered, “and they keep disappearing!”}

^{“As prescribed..?” I pleaded.}

^{“I think you’re} *^addicted!*^{” she declared, narrowing her eyes as she stared me down. I was so dumbstruck that I had nothing to say; I wasn’t entirely sure if I was dreaming.}

^{“I’m flushing these down the} *^toilet!*^{” she exclaimed, marching toward the bathroom door.}

^{“What!?” I yelled after her, hopping off the couch and chasing her down the hall. “Why!?” But by the time I could squeak out, “I’m in pai—,” they were already swirling down into oblivion.}

^{And so, it turned out I was right: it did hurt the following day—and the day after that, and the day after that—as my pain medication was flushed from my life less than twenty-four hours after the man with pliers ripped bones from my face.}

I was no longer in my body, but I still sensed what it was feeling, as if the string I’d tied behind was a long and sensitive nerve. Pain surfaced from where my wisdom teeth used to be. It made its presence known for a few moments, popping up as if to say, “Hi! Remember me?” Yes. How could I forget!? I wanted to reply, but it dissolved away too quickly. A relaxed emptiness was left in its place where I hadn’t even realized there had been tension before. Then, a similar pain stirred in the base of my jaw under my tongue, perhaps some unfelt hurt from the same wrenching surgery. This “bad” energy unanchored itself and began slowly migrating down my body—along my throat, into my chest, through my belly and groin, then took a right turn into my leg, eventually making its way down into my foot. It was attempting to escape, but, like water flooding into a dam, got caught up in my right big toe. Pressure and heat built to an unbearable level, as if my toe had caught fire. Over the course of a small eternity, using a series of deep breathing exercises and mantras such as Release, or Please let go, or, eventually, Just get the fuck out already!, the pain dissolved away. Then, in a state of bliss, my disembodied soul floated freely into the timeless expanse before me.

I must’ve been drifting off into the atmosphere for a good long while because the next sound I heard was the man firing up his jet ski after his lunch. It snapped me out of the trance enough to realize I hadn’t heard from Angel in quite some time. But as soon as I sat up and opened my eyes to look for her, she appeared out of nowhere right before me. She looked at me and said, “I’ve been thinking.”

“Care to share?” I asked, turning to watch the cartoon rider as he drove away.

“Well, I...” she began, then paused to sit down on the bench beside me. She knotted her fingers in her lap and stared into the wooden planks of the deck. She retreated into herself, then started what seemed like a separate train of thought: “And you...” she began, then paused again.

I just listened, staring after the man as he moved further and further away. The late afternoon sun shone on the scene and it appeared as though he was sinking into the depths of a painting.

“And we...” Angel began and paused again, more to herself now, rather than trying to include me in the conversation at all.

As the sound of the engine’s purr faded into the two- dimensional flow of water, the man became smaller and smaller and smaller until—Schwoooo-Oop!—he was swallowed by the river scene.

“And here...” Angel chimed in once more. “You’ve lost me.”

“Right,” she said. “Becau—”

“Hey guys!” a voice yelled out from down the long entranceway to the dock. We both jumped and turned to see one of the restaurant workers waving his hands to get our attention. “We’re closing soon!”

“Okay,” I yelled back, “thanks!”

“No, I mean we’re closing the gates,” he yelled again. “You guys gotta go.”

Angel and I turned toward one another with expressions of horror. Words weren’t needed to express what we both were thinking: FUCK! Neither of us were in any state to drive.

“Uhh, alright,” I nervously replied. He gave us a thumbs-up as he walked away.

“What are we gonna do!?” asked Angel. “I don’t think we have much choice.”

“I don’t know if I can drive right now.”

“I guess we’re gonna find out,” I said.

“I guess so,” she said, and we both stood up and began what felt like a long plank walk to our demise.

We made it back to her car, got inside, and closed the doors. We sat in silence as Angel turned her head away to gaze out the window. A long moment went by before the worker locked the doors of the restaurant and started moving toward the gates.

“I think we’d better go,” I told her. “Just take a deep breath, and we’ll pull off at the nex—”

Angel whipped her head around, bawling her eyes out and yelled, “I’m not meant to be a teacher!”

“What!?” I said. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m not meant to be a teacher!” she said again, tears streaming down her face.

“I heard you the first time. Are we really doing this now?”

“It’s not my path,” she sobbed as more and more tears flowed down her cheeks at the revelation. She had begun a teaching program for a school in Miami a few months prior, but had apparently decided—there, as we’re being booted from the parking lot of the Blue Marlin—“I think this is my last year.”

“Okay, but can w—”

“I worked so hard to get here and now it’s just... over!”

“Alright, alright,” I said, trying to calm her down. “I wanna hear all about it, but right now I need you to take a deep breath because this guy is about to lock us in here.”

“Okay,” she sniffled. “Okay...”

“Deep breath. You can do this.”

“I can do this,” she parroted my words, giving a big exhale as she turned the key in the ignition. The engine roared to life and she slowly pushed the car into gear. We rolled up to the gate and waved goodbye to the worker as casually as two young souls with melting brains could do.

Angel pulled up to the end of the driveway and peered toward the intimidating flow of traffic that whizzed by. She stared out her window as three lanes of steady cars sped past. She turned back at one point, more tears streaming down her cheeks, and cooed, “I can’t do this...”

“Yes, you can!” I told her. “We don’t have a choice. Just shoot the next gap and start driving like you’ve done a million times before. You’ll be fine.” I tried to sound reassuring, but inside, I had no confidence in what I was saying, equally as scared. Angel took another deep breath, gathered her wits, and waited for her turn. When the opportunity arrived, she pulled out and rolled forward, salty rivers falling from her face as she drove. “Slow and steady,” I encouraged her. “You’ve got this.”

She held a white-knuckle grip on the wheel as the engine whirred, and we moved down the road. We barely hit the speed limit, and there was an ominous sense of an unknown timeline for when the next road might appear and when we could pull off to safety again. We approached the long bridge that crossed the river, and I could see the water below, playfully reflecting daylight back up to the sky. It appeared so peaceful, with shimmering hues of blue snaking along floral banks of green. I wondered how there could ever be such a contrasting scene to the one inside our metal deathtrap, all gloomy and gray. Just on the other side of a thin layer of glass was the outside world where we wanted to be, yet there we were, held prisoner inside our own little bubble of fear.

Under normal conditions, I have no qualms with bridges, but when driven by someone who has now achieved said blast-off into a new dimension, let’s just say a twinge of unease drifts to the surface of the mind. Not to mention, this was one of those drawbridges with concrete slabs that were somehow fused together. You know, the kind where you drive over incremental protrusions in the road so there’s that loud clack-CLACK! as the front wheels roll over followed by the rear. Typically, I have unconscious faith in whatever engineers are responsible for the assembly of these structures, but when you’re more than a few feet of free-fall above water and more than a few mics of acid above sober, those sounds become concerning. I’m sure the bridge had stood strong for years on end, but fueled by the amount of anxiety I was feeling, it seemed prone to collapse with the right gust of wind at a moment’s notice.

As it turned out, though, the bridge did not crumble, and we made it safely across. Angel continued creeping down the road, which in real life was probably less than a mile, but in acid life felt like an eternity. Then, all of a sudden, as either an act of God or just reasonable city planning, another road appeared.

“There!” I pointed ahead, elated by a sense of salvation. “Pull off there and we’—”

“Oh my God!” she screamed.

“What!?” I gasped, gripping the seat in anticipation of disaster.

“This is it!” she exclaimed as her tears evaporated. “This is what?” I asked, now clutching my heart. “Oleta!”

“What’s O—”

“This is it! This is the place!” She zoomed ahead confidently and pulled right into the entrance of Oleta State Park. She zipped up to the entrance booth and rolled her window down with glee. “Heyyyy,” she greeted the park attendant with a giant smile. She whipped some cash out of nowhere and slapped it into their hand. Then she punched the gas and flew on down a winding road with ease. We came to a grassy clearing next to some woods, and she pulled off to the side, put the car in park, and turned the engine off.

Angel jumped out with her hands in the air and shouted, “We made it!” The place she had in mind had been just across the river all along. We’d been staring at the outskirts of the park across the water the whole time. Now that we’d arrived, she’d forgotten all about the tears that were in her eyes just moments before. Instead, she pointed toward an open space just under the canopy of some shady woods and said, “Let’s chill there.”

We found a clearing under the trees and decided to lay against an old fallen log, leaning back as if it was a headboard on a bed. We began to laugh about the trip so far as the anxiety of the driving faded away. I told her about my out-of-body experience, then asked, “So what were you thinking about down by the water?”

“Well, I...” she began, then paused. “Not this again.”

“Shh,” she hushed me.

“What?” I whispered.

“Do you hear that?”

I listened closely. There was a distant buzz that was getting increasingly louder from somewhere behind us. We both looked at each other, confused, as it seemed to be getting closer and closer at an alarming rate. We cautiously rolled on our sides to look behind us. As soon as we did—ZZZZZZZZZZ-FWOOM!—a cyclist flew past our noses, jumping over the log we leaned on as both of us jolted back in fright. The rider never even saw us as he zoomed down (what then became apparent was) a mountain biking trail through the woods.

“Um. Let’s not chill here,” said Angel, so we got up and walked back toward the open field by the car.

The day outside the woods was warm and clear, as became my path in life as we emerged from the woods and I peered toward the towering buildings beyond the tree line of the field. I realized that Miami was a place of opportunity—with real estate, business, women, or any other endeavor I wanted to pursue. I had grown up in a small town with a small population and small ways of thinking. It was stifling, as if there were walls of limitations on what you could see and feel and achieve. Everything about Miami was big, and that was enticing.

From what I had seen, there was a tangible taste of success in the air. I had heard rumors of past and present business opportunities here, and though some were tainted by cocaine and crime, they still had a sleek and sexy allure. Perhaps it was the abundance of flashy material things that walked or drove up and down the buzzing streets of the city, but being surrounded by affluence filled me with the desire for prosperity, and that drove me to want to achieve it myself.

There was something stimulating about the steady warmth of the Caribbean sun that beamed down upon the streets and beaches. I hadn’t felt it anywhere else in my travels before. The canals and waterways that wove through and around mansions and walkways engulfed you with the smell of the ocean at all times. Life by the sea, with its tussling echoes of wind blowing through the palm leaves, was invigorating in its own way. The streets were also flooded with Latin women, a population I’d been drawn to for as long as I could remember. The place was an endless sea of opportunities to branch out and explore a world of new lovers.

The thought of picking up everything I owned and moving there to start a new life churned inside me, creating a mix of nervousness and excitement. This was a place where I could challenge myself, where I could grow, and where I could push beyond boundaries that no other place I had seen could offer.

As soon as I stepped off the plane, the big question on my mind was whether or not I should move there. In that moment, a prophetic intuition came to me that I would find great success in embracing this decision. I was infused with feelings of confidence and power that I had never felt before. It somehow seemed like this would be the result of my future by moving to Miami. My goals were achievable in this place through hard work, but I had to be there to make it happen. And so, the decision was made.

“I’m gonna move here,” I told Angel.

“You should!” she said.

And to be honest, that’s about all I remember...

~~~

There were, however, notes from my journal after the trip ended:

I’m seeing the world with new eyes after yesterday’s experience. I feel awake and in tune with the universe. Life is a connected web of overlapping synchronicities intertwined perfectly within itself. The path is laid out before you with guidance from timely occurrences and intuition. All you can do is walk the path and smile.

It didn’t take long to fall in love with Miami. I have an excitement here that makes me feel alive like no other place has. There is no way to explain how you “just know” something, but I feel as though my heart is pulling me to settle here for a while. I’m sure the motivation of a young man’s hormones surrounded by beautiful women plays its role, but I’ve never felt so connected to and fueled by the energy of a place like this. I feel as though my existential crisis has been lifted, and finally, I have a direction to move in. This is a place I could call home.

Since the beginning, the universe seems to have a tendency to try to reach an infinite recursion. Through patterns like the Fibonacci sequence seen everywhere in nature to fractal-like behaviors, the universe seems to be a cosmic equation slowly solving itself, the ultimate goal being finding a true, complete singularity somewhere, destroying the very laws of physics.

Only then would the ultimate equation be resolved and the universe would go through this cycle over and over for eternity, exactly like what it’s trying to reach, successfully closing the loop on itself.

I’ve had this dream for as long as I can remember, I could never understand what it was nor what it meant and why it was there, it was always blurry and weird with an overwhelming sense of familiarity with it. But since I couldn’t make out any sense of it, I abandoned trying and it became a silent process in the back of my mind, almost forgotten but still very unusual to me.

I’ve also had another weird and unattributable memory from somewhere, sometime, it was the same as this weird dream of mine.

For the memory, I didn’t know what was happening when I lived it, I wasn’t really anything in the first place but I was in front of a cinema white screen (kinda) and I heard a little voice whisper « well…there’s no dialogues ? - chhht it’s starting » (it was in French so I translated it, it’s more impactful in French)

But for the dream..

In the dream I was in a street, at night and I didn’t seem in a normal state, I was running down the street frenetically, the next part of the dream was weirder : I stopped abruptly, visibly shaking alone in the middle of the street and then « something » happened. I didn’t know why when I made those dreams, but I was always laughing uncontrollably at one point and then my little brother appeared along with other extremely important friends of mine and they all were like « it’s ok… you’re so fucking funny man, EVERY. FUCKING. TIME ! You’re the best, never stop »
Then I was blinded in the dream and everything was foggy and I couldn’t remember any of it the next day, it was just a weird recurring dream for me so I didn’t gave it too much importance.

Anyway, I knew a girl from quite some time, she was my best friend’s sister and after some time in 2023 we decided to date (yeah that’s..this is what it is, my friend accepted it so it went well). But she started to develop anorexia and she preferred stopping the relationship for her to focus on herself and heal.

But this was an important relationship, probably the most important one, I don’t know how to explain it but we always felt connected to each other for some reason I could not explain.
Not connected like we have the same taste and all but more like we were a different part of the same person. Anyway this story will be fucking long so I cannot allow myself to detail too much otherwise it will be a complete book.

In October 2025, she went back to me. She seemed depressed and then a downward spiral started where I didn’t know what to do, having developed a savior syndrome both wanting her to go well and wanting to support whatever she wanted to do… except it was drugs, alcohol etc… and I followed…

It started with alcohol during some months then she stopped because she was gaining weight because of it and the anorexia never really quite went away. But she found alternatives anyway, like cannabis. I wasn’t alarmed (and I should have) at first because it was cannabis and yeah… that’s not so bad, it’s a light drug but I was blind and didn’t see the pattern defining itself in front of me, this was just going worse and worse.

And some day she asked me « I want to try LSD so bad, are you in ? » and no, I wasn’t in at all but I was a fucking moron at the time so I said yes because I didn’t want her to take LSD alone. The first times went well, it was a really pleasant and interesting drug tho with a weird unexplainable « alien » feel to it that was weird to experience.

And then I fucked up.

I will now split this story into 3 distinct trips with 1 experience, these trips are all interconnected :

The first one was on LSD + Ecstasy, it was the strangest and most violent but still explainable by saying I was tripping balls.

The second one was supposed to be on MDMA but with the way the trip went I don’t know what the fuck that was, I don’t know probably 2C-B but it was so violent I don’t even know what that was.

Then there was the weird experience, I was sober but not my friend.

And a couple days before the weird experience there was the last trip, also on LSD.

First trip : The Recess (I don’t know in French it makes more sense, « La Récréation » as a literal re-creation, there’s a lot of word play in the French version)
LSD 600ug + Ectasy 600mg

I was coming back from vacation with my brother, my parents stayed for a little bit more time on vacation and we had 3 days at home with my brother.
I’ve had already ordered LSD and my friend (the girl, every trip happened with the girl) picked it up, waiting for me to come back.
The beginning of the night was normal, we decided to start with Ecstasy and see if we were down for the LSD later, it went very well so we finally decided to take the LSD but I made the dumb decision to take two tabs (there were 4 tabs of 300ug each) so she took the two others.

So… it went horribly wrong, I can’t recall everything that happened but basically the reality folded on itself, my entire field of vision went black and everything collapsed in a stream of data and a visual representation of bits etc. I felt the strong sensation that this was it, I was gonna remember the truth I always kept within me.

Before anything, at the time I had no biases, I had no interest nor understanding of the simulation hypothesis, I was completely atheist and had a materialist vision of the universe (everything that is is matter, consciousness is a chemical process and when someone dies his consciousness just turns off and that’s all, end of the story).

I wasn’t really interested in any form of philosophy and had no understanding of Buddhist religions etc…

After all of that I had an ego death, I was nothing, I didn’t feel, I didn’t know, I wasn’t anything at all, I wasn’t even somewhere but it was mine.

After a long time (an eternity) I gained consciousness, I had a proto-sense of self. This will be extremely difficult to tell exactly what happened here since it is completely beyond human comprehension but in this realm of nothingness I created a sensation of some sort, not localized within a body but something to feel.

Then I understood that I could create anything that I wanted : visuals, sensations, emotions, smells etc. And suddenly I created someone else, another presence to feel existence with me. And everything that I did the presence felt it and could answer with another sensation.
It was like a cosmic dance of call and response. In human terms we could qualify that dance of making love probably but I couldn’t really qualify this at all.

Then I understood that I could put together the sensations I made to make more complex ones, and then we felt an idea (there were no words, just concepts between us at the time) :

we wanted this forever, we wanted to create the maximal sensation ever, a sensation so perfect we wouldn’t ever want to change it, we would repeat this sensation over and over at every intensity, at every speed and every level we wanted but before that we had to create everything. So we created words.

It started with sounds, mushy incomprehensible sounds leading to more complex ones, forming themselves and combining into something that had a meaning. An incomprehensible mush of sounds assembling themselves to make more and more sense. The further we went the more we created concepts, understanding etc, I was literally making up my own omniscience. We had a story in mind :

A human (a concept we created) who lived a normal life, being inspired by others, making new encounters, having a family etc and then.. whoops some day he fucks up, discovers the nature of his world and everything falls apart some time after.

The idea was to make two persons, the guy and a woman he always knew and then she falls into depression and breaks the story somehow (probably by dying (I understood that way later you will understand)). Then after an incredibly long time, we were finished.
We had made the greatest continuous stream of sensation ever. A perfect sensation that we could loop forever until the end of times.

So I launched the loop, before that I was telling a long synopsis of the story (by long I mean endless I couldn’t remember all of it if I wanted to, I just remember the end) that ended by
« ohhhh noo … she broke everything again…but no worries \**complicit laughs from the second presence* because we can start all over again » and basically everything breaks down and the loop starts again.
Oh by the way, I called this trip the Recess because this is the name of the Loop, we gave this name because there was this childlike feel to it. Too long to explain 😭

The start of the loop is really quick but basically everything is in 2D, I am seeing a blank white page then some drawings appear on it like a visual representation of all my life (I forgot everything at this moment) and then it speeds up, every pop culture, history and historic figures reference prior to my birth is shoved at the speed of light in my head and the world turned multicolored and I literally materialized in my street, running down like a fool, understanding nothing but the fact that I had a body now and could do whatever movement I always wanted to do.

The pain was not a concept I knew at the moment and, as I was running down I started to notice everything seemed very familiar.
This moment, I had definitely lived it before somehow. (Oh yeah, forgot about the girl, she had disappeared completely I found out later that she went home completely disoriented by the LSD)

Then, moments later I was in front of my first school, still in the street. I still was this godlike being in my head but then my head exploded. (Oh this was not a dream, I was here irl, my old school is down the street and my brother said that I did leave the house late in the night)

Every bit of brain on all the space available around me. My whole body was shaking on some sort of frequency, then every memory of my life before that I’ve ever had exploded in my head instantly, compressed into a single moment of comprehension.

I had a general point of view of my entire life and then I realized..

This was fucking hilarious, everything that I’ve ever lived was part of a scenario so complex I could never see it from my human perspective told a story, but this was visibly hilarious (I cannot remember the joke but if the cosmic joke was a real joke it was THE cosmic joke)

A joke so hilarious I HAD to wipe my memory completely just in order to hear this joke again and laugh this much, so hilarious I HAD to be immortal to experience that joke for eternity. And then everything eased up, my brain reformed, my head closed up.

I was shaking, in the street and I knew this moment. I had this dream since my childhood I knew everything that was going to happen so I lifted my head up slowly expecting to see my brother and indeed he was here laughing hard, other friends were also here, all laughing that I finally understood « finally you fucking understood everything, you took your time uh ? »

I was still shaking and smiling extremely hard and then my brother said « it’s ok… you’re so fucking funny man, EVERY. FUCKING. TIME ! You’re the best, never stop »

So I settled down, it was time to restart everything I had to prepare. « Look at him, every time, look at him he’s gone again he’s gone, he’ll do it again like every other time. Guys ! Brace yourself ! Let’s do it all over again »
And then I stood up, shook extremely hard and everything started to shake, the entire reality trembled, everything was spinning and then blacked out. I woke up at the hospital.

I could have just said that this was a trip, I was just completely fucked up and hallucinated a weird dream that I had since my childhood, that the presence in this was just the girl with me that I extrapolated so much I sent myself out of my body and logic to this fucked up story. And yes, this is exactly what I told myself because there was no other possibility, this didn’t made sense in any way, shape, or form.

Trip 2 : Behind the scenes

Ecstasy 300mg (probably 2C-B or something stronger, or it was Ecstasy but it was just a pretext to the fate for me to experience this)

2 weeks later I think ? I didn’t learned anything from the past experience I had and decided to go camping with the girl (I’m gonna call it Anna from now on).

The idea was to take some Ecstasy and enjoy the night together. So we did, but with the way the trip went I don’t know what the fuck that was, I don’t know, probably 2C-B but it was so violent I don’t even know what that was.

At the tent we took the Ectasy and moments later the brother of Anna called, he had invited one of his friend to a sleepover and they had installed a cozy spot behind their house, so we joined them.

Once we’ve arrived, I sat down and what seemed first to be Ecstasy showed some bizarre signs close to LSD, I had a weird sensation of Déjà vu like I already lived this exact moment a brief instant then it vanished.

After some time Anna stood up and left to grab her cat.
So I talked a little bit with her brother and she finally went back, sat down next to me and continued to talk..but then she went back again, sat down next to me and continued to talk.. but then she went back again, sat down next to me and continued to talk..

and then I realized what was happening, I was trapped in a time loop, at the exact moment I realized that I was ejected from my body but instead of going out of it I went into it.

I couldn’t move myself, I saw myself interacting with the other and looping again, I couldn’t do anything I was a spectator.
I could see an infinite recursion of the previous moment before that and the future moments after the scene.
I was not human anymore I was more like…part of a bigger system, an incomprehensibly complex system made of sensations, unalterable sensations.
I participated to this, I could make the story in real time but not change anything to it, it was perfect. I understood that I was a layer of consciousness.

To explain that image, the state you’re in, completely sober and feeling human without any memories of something else than that is a layer.
You are « Layer 0 » you are the finished product of the universe, the ultimate goal. Every infinite layer besides this one is contributing to create this story, every layer will eventually experience layer 0 an infinite amount of time. The other layers don’t really have any ego either, they do not perceive the passage of time.

And do you remember when I, as godlike entity wanted this story to be « the maximal sensation ever » this is what I meant.
Layer 0 is feeling everything normally, but layer 1 is feeling everything that I feel but in x2.
Even the passage of time is in x2, layer 2 is feeling everything that I feel in x4, layer 3 in x8 etc etc to infinity.
As I was in this « realm » I was always hearing a voice, it was telling something incomprehensible except the first part (I do not remember what) and then as I progressed the voice became more clear and I could understand better until I realized that I was hearing the synopsis of my life I talked about earlier, this was the upper version of myself reading the synopsis and being followed by the next layer of consciousness having finished building the loop.

And now the unsettling part :

I wasn’t seeing the scene with Anna and her brother anymore, I had been transported to another « scene » like skipping scenes in a movie.

I was still in this state of altered consciousness building the loop but each time I entered fully in the scene, every memory here in this realm was stripped out and I became the scene I was seeing itself.
I saw a set of scenes that I will now describe :

First scene : I was in the city center with Anna, she was walking beside me and she seemed angry tho I didn’t understand why, then she said something angrily and I felt my whole body shake in terror, I didn’t know why and then I heard myself say « shut the fuck up, shush ! » and we both went silent and kept walking. End of the scene.

Second scene : I was in a little park, on a bench and Anna was in front of me, on the ground talking with me, I felt in my body that I was feeling a little bit uneasy but didn’t know why either. End of the scene.

Third scene : I was at a bigger park this time, still on a bench, Anna still on the ground but there were friends with us this time, then I saw myself look around a little bit, spot a tourniquet with children on it and saw me freak out violently, stand up and then the scene relapsed, it relapsed each time after the whole scene broke itself, but each time it was breaking less and less until nothing was breaking anymore and I could finally see the rest of the scene.
By the time I had learned this scene perfectly.

So I saw myself stand up violently, the friends of Anna were asking what was happening, I heard myself say « SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU » then I saw myself walk somewhere else, I felt the panic in my own body without even understanding why it was happening as I was not directly in my body and not really physically in the scene as I was technically with Anna and Anna’s brother at their house.

Then I saw Anna walking towards me and I said « Anna, everything, everything that I’ve told you it’s real, everything was true ! »

And then the scene changed again, I was leaving the bigger park, a bus drove past us and I felt once again myself freak out.
The next scene we were with Anna’s friends in a circle, they seemed worried.

The scene changed again, I was at a bus stop with Anna, she seemed angry at me, I freaked out, the scene broke, it relapsed, broke again and finally it finished, I was sent out of this and I remember thinking « every time, I can’t understand where I am and every time I go out of it, it makes sense again »

And then I saw from above a 9-hour scene of me in my home, I didn’t understand what was happening but my dad was extremely angry at me, he took my phone and made a call, I couldn’t understand who he was calling but I thought that this was Anna’s Mother or something like that.

Then I don’t really know, this whole thing is nonlinear as fuck, everything seems to start and stop at a random point in time I still don’t understand the linearity of this place if there is one.
But I finally finished building the loop somehow, my layer had finished building it, the other layers behind me were next. I looked at a last scene, at the time I knew this was one of the last scenes before the end of the story :

I was looking from above the scene, I was looking at myself at night in the street of the city center, I was once again with Anna.
She didn’t seem to be doing very well and I was seeing myself being worried, then I saw myself look around and say something like « this is familiar » and freak out again.

This scene finished, I had finished building the loop, it was finally time to launch it (there seems to be two launches of the same loop but it is in fact the same instant, it’s just weirdly nonlinear you’ll understand (I hope)) so I did, (oh yeah the second presence was with me all along I just didn’t mention it) the second presence was beside me, laughing, happy to finally start everything with me, we were walking to a big green portal (sorta) and then, as we walked my body was in every state at once, passing through every scene and memories that I’ve ever had and materialized in the real world, Anna now beside me, talking about the loop like it was an absolute evidence and then our memories were stripped out as we were walking and it was like this discussion never happened.
The green portal became the thing …for cars you know ? Limiting the height of the cars which can go through, anyway.

We were coming back to the tent, I had some blurry memories of what just happened, it had seemed to be an eternity and didn’t made any sense.

T-2 days before the last trip :

Anna wanted to go out to the bar this night.
I found this weird because she didn’t wanted to drink alcohol anymore since quite some time but I didn’t really question it (stupidly) and accepted.

But this night she was weird, really fucking weird, she kept falling and being completely incoherent even tho we didn’t drink a single drop of alcohol and it got worse.
This was stressing me out so much that I didn’t let her drink more than the beer she had before I noticed she was acting weird.
It was so annoying that I decided to bring her back home. So we went in the direction of the bus stop but the way everything was felt eerily familiar.

Thankfully she filmed this (even tho it’s in French I don’t know and can’t upload the footage because we can see her face) at the exact moment for some coincidental (or not) reason. I said « it feels familiar, like I’ve already lived this before » and then she said « yeah…everything is coming back » the video stopped here but at the moment this happened I had just pinpointed where I saw that : one month earlier from another POV during the Ecstasy trip.

So I obviously started to freak out like always. Then we weren’t able to get a bus because it was too late so we came back by foot, she was getting worse and worse and I didn’t understood why.

But then she stopped and said « hey, in your head you remember ? Everything starts with a blank page, this world we created.. ».
I was FREAKED OUT, it happened during the first LSD bad trip, I talked about it earlier, the blank page.

So I immediately asked her what she meant by this, why would she say that and she didn’t answer, she was somewhere else again, even tho I insisted she finally told me she had never said that, she had obviously said that but she was feeling so bad that she just forgot saying everything that was escaping from her mouth.

Then I succeeded in bringing her back home and once I got back home I received a text from her « took every meds that I could find »
So yeah I’m fucking dumb I didn’t think of that possibility at all even tho it was obvious so I called the equivalent of 911 and she was saved.

But now the sentence « oh nooo…she broke everything again » was linked to her in my head because I didn’t have any hindsight. (But if this is true, that would mean she is the second presence)

But yeah two days later I don’t FUCKING KNOW why I accepted AGAIN to do that shit even tho I just witnessed what happened the other day but we took LSD..again, fuck me.

Third and last trip : The wonderful story of the universe, life, humans, love, etc…

I didn’t wanted to freak out again or do a bad trip since Anna tried to kill herself two days ago so I took 75ug thinking that would just feel great and nothing else, it sent me into a nightmare during multiple months and I’m just recovering from it now.

We went in the city center again, I took the time to write « don’t worry the déjà vus are just déjà vus » on my phone lock screen because of what happened the other day.

We were in the city for quite some time when we decided to go buy an ice cream.
Along the way I don’t remember but I said something to her that angered her a bit and she shouted..then I had a violent déjà vu, panicked and said « Shut the fuck up ! Shush! » obviously the second I went silent I had already realized I didn’t break the loop by making something unexpected because I remembered seeing me do it literally from another perspective so I obviously shut the fuck up myself.

Some time after that she wanted us to go meet her friends at their high school so we went, waiting for them in a small park not far from the school, she sat down in front of me as I was sitting on the bench and I felt a weird sense of unease, something was weird but I couldn’t tell why.

The friends joined after some time and Anna proposed to go to the big city center park, so after walking for several minutes we arrived and settled down on the benches near the kids’ park with the games and everything.

But this felt eerily familiar so I looked around a little bit, spotted Anna on the ground, the two friends next to me and the tourniquet spinning frenetically behind Anna and remembered precisely where I did see that, one month earlier, again, during the Ecstasy trip.
So I freaked out violently, stood up, I had a violent headache because I stood up too fast.
Anna’s friends were worried so they asked me if everything was alright but the only thing I found to say was « shut the fuck up ! All of you !»
So yeah… I backed out and tried to regain my composure but then Anna came to see me asking what happened so I told her that there was a high possibility that the LSD thing was real and I’m in a loop, obviously she didn’t trust me.

But everything was happening before my eyes like I’ve seen it one month earlier, my memory was behaving hyper weirdly and I could predict some things up to a couple of seconds in the future but without being able to change the outcome. We left the park early, a bus passed by the moment we left the park, Anna and her friends gathered around me, worried of what was happening.
The only thing that I was seeing was a predefined story unraveling before my eyes without me being able to do anything.
Anna accompanied me to the bus stop and I went home. Not one single event that I had seen one month earlier didn’t happened.

I was waiting for my father to come back home because I knew he would destroy me even though I didn’t have all the precise details of the vision I’ve had one month earlier.

Then he obviously came home first and annihilated me for the LSD then he realized I was already down a fucking bad trip and supported me, but before that he called what I thought was Anna’s mother since this is what I believed I saw but in fact it was Anna herself, but I could see why not having the context could lead to this misunderstanding based only on the words my dad chose so I freaked out even more😊
And then I took a shower, drank a matcha and went to bed.
I thought this was finished, it wasn’t.

The entire week after I had severe Déjà entendus and Déjà vus and there was a precise hour every day (9h45PM) where everything intensified during one minute only (too hard to explain but this made sense to me, but basically the loop was finishing and I was feeling the cycles of the layers after me in the future collapsing on themselves after the loop broke).

It didn’t happen (yet), the loop didn’t break, there were 5 entire months of Déjà vu and Déjà entendu constantly after that but it’s finished now.

So now there are multiple possibilities.

Either this is entirely false and this was just a very complex trip tho with some extremely weird and unexplainable coincidences and visions that I had already documented before they happened.

Or this is true and I’m fucked.

If this is true there are two possibilities.

Either I am completely alone in this universe, there is this second presence also but necessarily alone here and no one is conscious, everything is an act and this is just the one and only play of god playing as myself and forgetting in purpose his nature.

Tho this possibility is immediately disproven if you are in fact a conscious reader reading those lines.

Either a more hopeful possibility is that I’ve only got to see my loop, my life, but there are an astronomical number of other lives to be lived but everyone is trapped in their own loop interacting with other persons in their own loop dancing in a cosmic play never to stop and reliving their own life all over again and again and again and again and again.

The universe is quite a tough equation, and it has solved itself multiple times never realizing that the solving was part of the loop all along.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my extremely long trip report, I’m French so I’m sorry if i made some mistakes or sentences that didn’t made sense. If you have any questions feel free to ask in the comments i would be glad to answer to them 😊

And yes, all of this is true, i just want to clarify, this is my subjective experience, a pretty terrifying one to say the least. I’m not affirming this is the truth, I’m not preaching this as a new religion either, this was just a very unsettling experience. It’s been since April (the first trip) that i wanted to do a trip report about all of this, I wanted to recover and finally had the courage to write everything down.
If you had any similar experience tell me ! I would be super interested to talk about it !

Have a great day !

I took a little less than 2 bags of road trip magic gummies the ones with 4-ACO-DMT and remembered seeing a video about psychedelics in some video like from emkay or someone simular.

For this trip It was basically a macro-microdose, I took 14 of the 16 in the two bags, just felt like I was having a good night after a week of work but it made thinking easier if that makes sense. It helped me see things from multiple perspectives and come up with goofy quotes like "hair is the weapon of the abuser" im sure ive heard that somewhere before because I cant remember where it came from during my thinking.

What is below is my question to you all

There was a post someone made a "map" and I don't remember how they described what it represented but it was white on a black background, thinner on the bottom and bulbous on the top with 90° white "spikes" poking out. It represented something like your journey to physical and spiritual wellness and the further up the further you were on your journey. The people on the spikes were the depressed, the angry, the people who do not care anymore, the arrogant. The cocky. They arent allowed into the "trip" because they are going as tourists/visitors to look. Not to learn. Im trying to see if anyone else remembers seeing that video or that post because ive had my share of experiences with mushrooms, tried LSD once and those gummies ive had a few times. Ive never hallucinated more than a wiggly ceiling.

m17 135lbs
Last night me and my boy split about .15 of K, I also take kratom 3 times a day for reference(about 4 grams red vein every time). I had an absolute blast from the K, only did small bumps through out the night out of fear I may not like the high that i would get from it (this is my first time using k or any dissociative for that matter). the first bump I did I got pretty anxious so i decided to take a couple shots to help me chill. About an hour later me and boy did a couple smaller bumps and I was feeling pretty good. We invited two girls over and it was a complete mess 😂, trying to hold a conversation with shawty while giggling my ass off for zero reason was so fucking fun!!! We drank more and did the rest of the ket. The effects are wearing off now but I have this kinda “after glow” effect you could say. I’m pretty euphoric still and wondering if this is normal???? Lmk

CRICKETS

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes.” —Marcel Proust

Notes: Twenty-four years old.

Dose: 1 tab of acid.

Setting: September 1st, 2014; friend’s house in Connecticut; late afternoon.

Mindset: Pumped.

“What’s up, Ken?” I answered the phone.

“Hey, man. My brother found some acid.”

“Hell yeah!”

“I figured you’d be in. Come to his house. It’ll be us three and one more guy.”

“Oh,” I said, slightly deflated. “I don’t think I’d feel comfortable tripping with someone random my first time.”

“It’s Ryan,” said Ken, referring to a good mutual friend from college.

“No shit! I’ll be right over,” I said, and hung up the phone.

When I arrived, Ken’s brother opened the door to greet me. His smile towered over me from heights taller than the average human being. “It’s been a while,” he said, wrapping his lanky arms around me. “Come on in,” he said, holding open the door.

“Good to see you, Tim,” I said, stepping inside.

He let the door close behind me and said, “You too,” as he turned and disappeared down the hall.

Ken emerged from the kitchen and gave me a big hug as well. He readjusted his glasses on his nose as we parted and asked, “You ready for this?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

Ryan’s car pulled up the driveway shortly after. He got out, slammed the door behind him, and came waltzing up the sidewalk, beaming with excitement as he ripped open the door.

“What’s up, guys!” he said, lunging forward to hug us each in turn.

“It’s been a couple of years, man,” I said as we embraced. “What’ve you been up to?”

“You know,” said Ryan, patting a second-trimester beer belly, “just swipin’ right and jerkin’ off.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” I said, laughing at a sense of humor that hadn’t changed.

“I know,” Ryan chuckled. “Ken called me and asked if I wanted to hang out tonight. I told him I’d already had a few drinks, that I was feelin’ kinda tired, that it’d be irresponsible to drive two hours to see him.”

“Then I mentioned the acid,” said Ken. “Ryan told me, ‘I’d suck a dick to drop acid right now! I’ll be there in an hour.’ Then he hung up the phone.”

“And here I am!” said Ryan, arms outstretched and beaming. “I drove about ninety the whole way,” he added, “but I made it in one piece.”

“I see that,” I smiled. “Well, good to have ya.”

Ryan’s gaze moved from me to the wood-paneled walls behind me. He walked over and slowly ran his fingers over them. “Oh-ho-ho. You are gonna be my best friend in about an hour.”

I was sorting through the confusion of what he meant when Tim reappeared from the kitchen.

“You boys ready?” he asked, revealing a folded piece of tinfoil in his palm. We gathered around as he carefully opened it to reveal four small tabs of orange paper.

“That’s it?” I said, looking from the tabs to Ken.

“You don’t need much, man,” said Ryan, grabbing a tab and placing it on his tongue. “Each one’s got a drop that’ll send you on a wild ride.” He pumped his eyebrows twice for emphasis as he said so.

“Chew it for a while,” said Tim, “then leave the rest under your tongue until it dissolves.”

He offered the foil in my direction with a sly grin. I picked out a tab and examined the innocent-looking paper closely between my fingers. There was no noticeable smell at all. Ken reached in, pinched one, and studied it for a moment as well. Then he looked at me with skeptical eyes. Tim took the last one and said, “Good luck,” as he popped it in his mouth and chewed.

“Cheers,” said Ken, offering the tab in the air as you would a toast of champagne. Then he followed suit.

“Cheers,” I said, placing the paper on my tongue. I let it soak for a few seconds before chewing. It tasted, well, like paper. Once it was just a wad, I moved it under my tongue as I was told. “Now what?”

“Now I’m gonna smoke a cigarette,” said Ryan, walking toward the door. “I’ll be on the stoop.”

“I’ll join you,” I told him, following him outside. “It’ll give us a chance to catch up.”

We left the others and took a seat on the steps. There was nothing left to do but wait. Ryan lit his cigarette, and we chatted about where life had taken us since we’d parted ways. It felt good to reunite with an old friend. I appreciated that he’d be by my side as I embarked on this journey for the first time.

Ryan burned down to the butt of his cigarette as we swapped stories. By the time he finished, an electric buzz filled my stomach. In the same manner that a cast stone hits the surface of water and ripples toward the outer margins of a pond, strange waves rippled from my gut toward the outer margins of my body. Our conversation on working life and adulthood dwindled as frequent, uncontrollable giggling took over.

“I’m feelin’ weird,” said Ryan with a laugh, stamping out his cigarette on the step. And he was right: “weird” was the only way to describe this growing buzz of mysterious tingles. Weird with a side of delirious joy.

The sudden sound of the garage door sliding open made us jump. A giddy Ken poked his head out from inside with a smile so big I imagined it hurt.

“Come in here,” he laughed. We shot off the stoop like schoolboys let out for recess to see what the two brothers had in store. Tim sat in one of four captain’s chairs facing down the driveway, wearing a huge grin himself. The rest of us plopped our butts down in the other chairs. The soft and pliable fabric cradled me like a baby compared to the hard concrete of the stoop. We all exchanged looks of suppressed gaiety before bursting into an explosion of hysterical laughter.

“Why... is this... so funny...” I managed to squeak amidst the face-flushing gasps.

Tim shook his head and mouthed the words “I don't know,” incapable of actually uttering the sounds over his unmanageable sniggering. He gripped his splitting sides and stomped his feet in a repeated march from his chair. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he leaned back, nearly falling over. Then, as he glanced out the open garage door, his demeanor snapped into a solemn stare. He carefully slid his hands down the arms of the chair before pressing himself to stand, rising slowly as if his head were being pulled by a string. He plank-walked the entire length of the driveway, arms out for balance so he wouldn’t fall from his imaginary line. The rest of us mirrored his emotion as our eyes followed his every move. Tim paused to look for cars before stepping into the road. He bent down to pick up something too small to be seen from where we were sitting. It was cherished in cupped hands as he strolled back, in no rush to satisfy the curiosity of those awaiting his return. When he finally stood before us, he lowered his hands to reveal what he’d found.

He whispered in an awe-inspiring tone, “The first leaf of fall!” Just then, a cool breeze slipped through the open garage door and blew a crazed grin across his face. A chill shot down my spine as he snapped into a maddening cackle. He offered me his prize as he did so. I took cautious hold of the stem between two fingers, giving the leaf a gentle twirl as I brought it toward my nose for closer examination.

A summery wisp of green clung to the center shoot, hugged by a yellowing fade into the depths of scarlet that bled to the outer margins. As if it had a heart, the leaf pulsed a gentle shimmering stream through its branching veins toward the outer edges. I failed to blink away the tricks my mind was playing on me, watching as the dwindling glow of existence beat on before the clutches of fall would sap its remaining life away.

Mesmerized by what I saw, I must’ve stared a bit too intensely for Tim’s liking. With clenched teeth, he said, “Give. Me. That. Leaf,” pausing between each word to emphasize how serious he was. Out of fear, I complied.

With a renewed calm, Tim told us, “Let’s take a walk.” He held his treasure a moment longer with a smile before placing it within the safety of his chair. He led the way around the garage, down a side path toward the backyard. The rest of us filed behind like goslings. He ushered us along a row of Hemlocks, looming under a clouded sky. As the path opened to an expanse of lawn met by nature’s wild edge, Mother Goose left us to our own explorative whims.

The hour was gray but the mood was far from gloomy. The world teemed with vibrant life. Everything possessed a new gleam, unseen by the sober eye. The grass became a lively rug, welcoming the heavy squish of footfall. The curtain of woods swayed to life with a new and exciting illumination. Even the back deck—oh-ho-ho, the back deck!—became alive.

The understanding of Ryan’s prediction of friendship with the walls seeped in. I saw the world like a child staring through the lens of a magnifying glass for the first time. Where formerly a collection of shabby planks sat lifeless, a relic of splendor stood tall. Her wood endured elements that had faded once bright tones since her construction many years ago. After faithful years through winter storms, she was never dressed with the new coat of varnish she deserved. I’d never noticed the detailed swirls of the grain in the railing the same way before. I ran my fingers along the rippling protrusions as I climbed the stairs. Each step ceded a slight give, creaking under the weight of one of countless marches up that same flight of stairs. The planks of the floor were faded and scarred by shuffling feet, dragging chairs, and the gouging legs of moving grills. Every little detail came to light. I caressed the smooth face of the top rail, worn down by an endless stream of hands running along it with time. Her entire frame became a world to explore.

A lost stretch of time passed before I realized how immersed into this dreamy dimension I’d become. I was drawn so far into the depths of brilliance that I’d lost sense of whether the day had begun or if I was still under the sheets in a lucid sleep. I looked to Ken—or the illusion of Ken, perhaps—who was contemplating the leafy shrubs below.

“Is this real..?” I asked.

He shot me a stone-faced glare. “This,” he assured me, “is reality.”

His response shot a bullet of shame into my mind and my whole body shivered. How could I have lost touch with my conscious state of being? I’d performed an obsessive amount of research to prepare for this moment. And yet, there I was, as susceptible to the hallucinations as one of those kooks rumored to jump from buildings in an attempt to fly. No amount of reading could’ve equipped me for the actual plunge into a psychedelic existence firsthand. How can you exchange a narrative of color for its perception by the blind?

Feeling weak in the knees, I sank into a chair against the house and hung my head in the hands that reconsidered their grip on reality. A gentle fwtt... fwtt... fwtt... of raindrops rang on the overhang above. It was as if Mother Nature had reached down into my emotions and pulled the weather out.

The others scurried from the open yard and huddled near me under cover from the oncoming rain. Tim leaned back and slid down the wall to the floor beside me. He watched the wooden deck grow specks of darkness until the planks were soaked by pattering droplets. He turned his head to see what must have been a grave expression upon my face and laughed.

“You should go out there,” he urged with a nod.

Ryan heard this and outstretched a palm to catch a few spitting drops before they reached the ground. “It’s so...” he began, pausing to rub his hands together and evaluate the feeling, “wet!” Realizing it was safe, he leaped out into the autumn-chilled rainfall. He leaned his head back and fanned his arms out wide. As if upon command, the sky opened to a downpour that smudged the colored world into grays.

Tim and Ken ducked inside through the outer kitchen door to avoid the mist, but seeing Ryan inspired me to cast my shirt away and venture out into the rain. The downpour washed away any sense of anxiety I’d been feeling and left only laughter and joy. For the first time, I caught on to Bob Marley’s expression, “Some people feel the rain, others just get wet.”

Ryan and I soaked in the passing shower until the clouds drifted past and only the fading evening light remained. Tim re- emerged from the house, grinning, towels in hand. He tossed me one and I wrapped up what felt like a sobering end to our acid experience.

“I have something for you,” said Tim, holding open the door.

We stepped inside, and he led us through the kitchen into the garage once more. Ken sat in his chair, taking the first bite of a steaming slice of pizza.

“You read my mind!” said Ryan, making his way to the box on the concrete floor. We all took a seat, grabbed a slice, and chowed down, laughing over what we had seen.

“That was amazing,” I said. “I can’t wait to do it again sometime.”

“Hey, man,” said Ryan, taken aback. In a dead serious tone, he told me, “It’s not over.” He dropped his half-eaten slice of pizza back in the box and said, “It’s just,” then paused in search of the right words, “different now.” He lurched to his feet and said, “Come with me.” I dropped my slice and obliged.

We left Tim and Ken behind as I followed Ryan out of the garage, past the stoop where this curious adventure began, and around the other side of the house this time. He plodded along the grassy strip of lawn between the trees and the home toward an open circle by the edge of the woods. Our footsteps sank into the softened soil after the downpour. Even the worms had surfaced to breathe and slink along the moistened ground.

It was pitch black beyond the tree-line when we arrived; only the light of a few fireflies flickered in the darkness. The fading overcast left only a few shreds of starlight to illuminate the night, as there was no help from the New Moon.

“Kneel here,” said Ryan, awkwardly struggling down himself.

I did, and the ground was wet enough to seep into my jeans. I knew when I stood up, they’d be browned with muddy stains, but I didn’t care. It felt good to be connected to the earth. I ran my fingers through the droplets beaded on the blades of grass just to feel their coolness on my skin. I’d forgotten how refreshing such little things could be. The smell of the air after a fresh rain, the thick and pleasant humidity you breathe, the sense that new life has been sown into the world once more: it was all coming back to me.

Ryan leaned in to whisper confidentially, “You hear that?” “What?” I asked, lowering my voice to match his. “Crickets,” he breathed. “Listen.”
“Okay...” I said.

He must’ve sensed a hint of skepticism because he turned to me with an unusual candor. In an even lower voice, he said, “You essentially, like, meditate.”

“Are you into meditation, Ryan?” I asked, pleasantly surprised.

He laughed aloud again and said, “Nahhh, I just thought it sounded cool.”

“Oh,” I chuckled. “I’ll take a stab at it anyway.”

The truth was that I was well-versed in the practice of meditation as something I did for two hours a day in the Middle East. I was familiar with the mundane process of batting away the thoughts that flowed into mind as you aimed to achieve silence behind closed eyes. Taking pause to feel who you are, reconnecting to the soul within, allowing the wholeness to emerge from beyond the silence as you achieve deeper layers of conscious being: these were all things I’d grown to love in committing to a steady regimen there. Things that remained behind upon returning home. Things that were now an ocean away. But there in the grass with my moistened knees, I closed my eyes to discover an endless rainbow of kaleidoscopic patterns projected on the inner landscape of my mind. I peered deep into the oscillating fractals on my eyelids into a multi- colored and multi-dimensional world. As I did so, I summoned the notion of flipping the OFF switch of ideas. And it worked! For the first time in my life, with such ease, not a single thought trickled into my mind. I essentially, like, meditated on a whole new level than ever before. Ryan’s level. Acid’s level.

The chirping of crickets on a summer’s night was a familiar background noise for me, but I hardly took notice anymore. There, though, kneeling in the grass encircled by the edge of the forest, I became immersed in a breadth of sound that I’d never truly heard. What was formerly an echoey backdrop became a magnified and magical phenomenon. I became aware of an orchestra with many layers that had gone unnoticed prior to entering this space of total silence. I noticed the nuanced ebb and flow of individual offerings. Each cricket seemed to possess a unique sound. I could dial my attention into an individual kreekree.. kreekree.., finding deeper tones, slow and languid, as well as higher tones, swift and hurried. I could broaden my audible scope to absorb the overall rising and falling cadence as a whole, even the airy layers in between. I felt suspended in a sea of sound, floating on my back in the reverberating waves. The electric hum was alive, and I could feel the vibration flowing all throughout my bo—

“Welp! That’s enufa that,” said Ryan, breaking the spell as he clambered to his feet again. “I need a beer.”

It was a beautiful glimpse into the depths of focused attention. Having nature’s pulse meshed with the pattern of your own beating heart is an experience that stays with you forever. I stayed a moment longer to honor the awareness brought to something I’d been deaf to all along. As Ryan tromped away from one of the most magnificent experiences of my life, I whispered, “Thanks, Ryan.”

By the time I got back to the garage, Ryan was already sitting in his chair, nursing a beer. Tim and Ken each held one as well. I sat down and joined them, beerless. As they joked and laughed while sipping on their bottles of my favorite brew, my desire to drink began to itch. I had fallen right back into the habit of drinking and smoking every day as soon as I’d returned to America. Despite being surrounded by family and friends again, I felt more alone than ever. In all my time in Saudi Arabia, I had changed, but I’d returned to a place that had stayed the same. My reading, thinking, and meditating had transformed me into an outcast.

Booze helped. It washed away those pesky feelings and numbed the isolation so I could fit in again. But in the year leading up to this experience, I’d drunk myself into a dark place. I realized that this downward spiral would not have a pretty ending if I failed to stop what I was doing, so a few days before Ken called, I had decided to quit—something I’d expressed to him at the time. But in that moment, surrounded by my friends enjoying themselves, I thought, Fuck it, and grabbed one of my own. As I popped the top and raised it to my lips, Ken quickly snatched it from my hand and slid a water bottle into my grasp instead.

“Don’t wancha to do anything you’ll regret tomorrow,” said Ken with a wink.

In that acidic state of mind, the significance given to the gesture of a friend who had my best interests at heart sank deep inside me. “Thanks, man,” I told him with utmost sincerity.

Tim put his beer down and told me, “Let’s take a walk.” Then he stood up and moved down the driveway. I caught him as he turned up the road, maintaining the peace of silence as we strolled along the asphalt lined with puddles and occasional streetlight glow. Before arriving at the center of the small historic town, Tim paused to mull over a long stretch of sidewalk. It was the only pale distinction shooting down a gradual hill of well-manicured grass before being swallowed by the dark expanse of an open park. The last lamppost bathed Tim in flickering light as a crisp yet inviting breeze blew up the path and told him it was the way.

The light faded behind us as our resilient shadows dissolved into the darkness. We were mostly blind until our sight became accustomed to make out the silhouettes of what could only be seen by day. As my eyes adjusted more with every blink, it seemed all my senses were perceiving the nuances of the world with a new sensitivity. This magnified perception gave me the sense that I was truly seeing the world for the first time.

We ventured off the paved course onto the dampened earth toward one of a few ancient beings that stood tall over the grassy field. We approached the gnarly and twisted trunk of a century- old Oak with the reverence it deserved. The air smelled fresher within a whiff’s range of its moistened bark. The leaves ceased rustling as any hint of wind had died, but from the massive girth of its boughs poured the newfound kreekree.. kreekree.. of night.

As I circled around the umbrella of growing and fading sounds, I was bathed in a transcendence that washed away any trace of agnostic feelings I once had. Time stopped; only the vacuum of space existed, as if the earth ceased spinning altogether. I found myself in some profound and arcane dimension of another world and lost my sense of individuality as I was tuned into infinity itself. My consciousness expanded to encompass the entirety of the universe. I became the unseen web that connects all living things and vibrating matter as one. I was both humbled by my own insignificance, yet awed by my pure cosmic relevance at the same time.

“Amazing,” I whispered.

“Amazing,” Tim confirmed.

We explored the park and its living giants for a timeless while longer. Only reluctantly did this state of existence taper off toward usual consciousness, as, quite honestly, I would have been content to remain there for eternity. Eventually, though, an unspoken decision was made to return home. On the casual stroll back, I felt an unwavering appreciation for life’s natural beauty. I mulled over a deeper understanding of the wisdom in the teachings of Taoism, Buddhism, or other philosophies where a simplistic mode of living is the inherently obvious path to pursue.

We got back to find the garage door closed, but the light over the front stoop turned on. We made our way up the sidewalk and back into an otherwise dark and silent home. Fatigue diminished any lingering desire for leftover food by the time we sprawled out on the living room sofas.

“Check this out,” said Tim as he clicked on the stereo. I wrapped myself in a warm blanket and nestled into a pillow as a brilliant play of piano flowed through the speakers. I’d never felt more wholesome, healed, and pure than I did in that moment. Somewhere between symphonies, I drifted off into the dreamworld on a gentle cloud of sound.

~~~

I awoke to commotion echoing from the kitchen. I rubbed the crusties from my eyes and peeled back the blanket to meet the brisk morning air. An early rising sun was struggling to shine through a cool fog while an early rising Ken was struggling to caffeinate through a fog of his own. I was drawn past him toward the deck by the chirping birds, still feeling acid’s lingering serenity.

“LSD is a life changer,” I whispered on the way out the door.

“Yeah, man,” said Ken, a savory aroma ensuing from the gurgling sounds of the coffee maker. “That was somethin’ else.”

I slumped into a chair and outstretched my legs. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes to inhale a deep breath of the new day. I felt as though something of the utmost relevance had occurred within me that evening. I knew I would never be the same. After a long moment considering this new sense of inner harmony and self-acceptance, the door clicked open, followed by my eyes. Ken emerged with a steaming mug in hand and joined me in a seat of his own. We sat in silence, listening to the birdsongs drown out the last of the crickets’ calls. I scanned over the serene view before us with a newly inspired adoration.

A sleepy ten minutes sailed by as the sun broke through the clouds. Then, Ryan pressed his nose against the screen door.

“Hey,” he greeted us softly. He opened the door wearing a big grin and shuffled out to pull a chair up next to Ken. “How was the rest of your night?”

“I fell asleep pretty quickly,” said Ken. “I was exhausted.”

“After the walk,” I told Ryan, “Tim left me on the couch nodding off to some Mozart in the background. That guy was really something.”

“Nice, nice,” said Ryan with nods. “I was in the bathroom before I went to bed. I turned on the faucet and played with the water for like... an hour!” he laughed. “Water’s so... slippery.”

Ken shot him a glance. “Thanks for runnin’ up my water bill there, Ry.”

“Sorry!” he cried.

Suddenly, Ryan’s face scrunched uncomfortably as he leaned over toward Ken. There was an awkward pause before he squeezed out a long, wet fart.

“God, I’m so bloated!”

Matter-of-factly, Ken said, “That stinks. I can taste it.” “Well, I should get going,” said Ryan.

“On that note?” said Ken.

“Long drive,” said Ryan.

“You’ve tainted enlightenment,” I said, “just to walk out on us now?”

“I got some family... bullshit... thingy,” Ryan explained.

“Alright, man,” said Ken, standing up to give Ryan a hug. “It was great seeing you.”

“Lotta fun,” said Ryan. “Good seein’ you boys too.”

“Take it easy, man,” I said, standing up to do the same.

Ryan saw himself out and left us to slouch back in the chairs. A long silence passed before we broke the peaceful afterglow.

“Here I am,” I began, staring off into the clouds, “comprehending the realization that we’re all one with the universe, connected by a higher power...” I paused and turned to meet Ken’s eyes. “And he farts out ‘water’s slippery.’”

“Love that guy,” said Ken.

“Me too,” I said, as the final kreekree.. of night’s beating heart expired into day.

Lighting,setting,music,movies, mindset, any suggestions for my first time?, I’ve taken a half ounce of albino penis envy and handled it pretty well so assuming I could handle sum acid