The Lusty Argonian Maid: A Mechanical Analysis
Archivist's Note:
Alavani Arano, Clockwork Apostle and Archivox scholar of Tamrielic literary curiosities, encountered the following adaptation while reviewing the work of the Factotum designated the Clockwork Archivist, whose assignment to catalogue significant examples of Tamrielic dramatic literature resulted in an unexpected encounter with Crassius Curio's celebrated play, The Lusty Argonian Maid.
The machine had classified the scene as a domestic sanitation scenario involving an employer, an employee, and an improperly maintained weapon. It had further concluded that the dialogue contained an unusual quantity of redundant phrasing for what appeared to be a straightforward exchange concerning household duties.
I confess to some irritation that the Clockwork Archivist's considerable analytical faculties appear to have deserted it at precisely the point where a mortal audience might find the scene most entertaining. Its report proceeds with admirable mechanical precision, yet somehow arrives at conclusions that would astonish even the most decorous of readers. I have refrained from correcting its findings. There is, after all, a certain scholarly value in observing how a mind entirely untroubled by innuendo might attempt to catalogue the works of Crassius Curio.
ACT IV, SCENE III, CONTINUED
Lifts-Her-Tail: Negative, respected male individual. My present objective is limited to the removal of dust and other unwanted particulate matter from your private chambers.
Crantius Colto: Is the removal of dust your sole intended purpose, diminutive employee? From my chambers specifically?
Lifts-Her-Tail: I cannot determine the implied secondary meaning of your inquiry, master. My biological classification is Argonian, and my occupational designation is maid.
Crantius Colto: Affirmative, my small spherical confection. Your lower limbs exhibit considerable structural strength, and your posterior appendage possesses pleasing curvature.
Lifts-Her-Tail: Your unsolicited assessment of my anatomical characteristics is producing an elevated level of social discomfort, sir.
Crantius Colto: You may disregard this discomfort. Current environmental conditions indicate that you are in no immediate danger in my presence.
Lifts-Her-Tail: I must resume my assigned sanitation duties, sir. Failure to complete them may result in severe disciplinary consequences administered by the female proprietor of this residence.
Crantius Colto: Sanitation duties, you say? I have identified an implement requiring immediate attention. Please undertake the necessary procedures to improve its surface finish.
Lifts-Her-Tail: An objection: the implement in question exceeds my initial expectations regarding its dimensions. Completion of the requested maintenance procedure may require an entire nocturnal cycle.
Crantius Colto: Time availability is sufficient, my agreeable associate. Time availability is exceptionally sufficient.
END OF ACT IV, SCENE III