So a coworker who has a really dark, sexualized kind of humor dropped this "joke". I know the joke is bottomless, but it made me realise how my "sex" life is actually functioning.

When i was hitting puberty i was getting raped from different people several times. I guess it was some kind of bad luck that they did it always with me.

I've learned that the more i fight back, it will hurt more. So i fought back less until I've reached the point that I can "enjoy" it and even have orgasms when I join in.

I've had 2 real relationships in the past and we've had a functional sex life. At least thats what I've thought until now. Because everytime my bf had initiated sex I've joined no matter my mood to have "fun" with him.

I have also cheated on both boyfriends (in total 5 times) and i regret each time, but it was also the same "play". The other guy tried to initiate sex somehow and i voluntarily gave me in instead of saying no. The thing is...in the end I'm pretty sure that at least 4 of these guys would have accepted a no, but my rapebrain in the back was saying "dont risk it".

After all this realisation I've needed to talk with someone about this. So i've made the mistake and opened up to a close friend. First he was really supportive of caring and it felt really great to talk about all this with him.

Then he asked me, if I really think that it would be that easy to have sex with someone and I've said yes.

He just said I dont think so and I will prove it to you.

The result? He started to grab my breast and kiss me. My reaction? Put my hand on his junk and start rubbing it (we were both still clothed at this time). And a moment later i was riding him until the end....

Hi there. Ill keep it short. I saw this painting in a facebook group. And it feels beyond tasteless. And the comments that OP are enabling feels SO MUCH WORSE.

I called it out, only to have people dogpile me about how “art can be uncomfortable”. I am an artist and survivor myself. But to paint someone else’s assailant getting attacked by your fictional demon OC named “lust” with a backstory in your fictional story, seems….beyond in poor taste. Then everyone also comparing the man to luigi mangione, making dick jokes, etc.

All i know is if i saw a stranger trying to play the hero by making a painting like THIS of my assailant? Id be sick for weeks. Am i the only one who sees an issue with content like this (when it doesnt come from the person who experienced the assault)? And i’m NOT referencing any of the actually respectful “i am jane doe” works out there.

Because i am unable to add the image, i will add the link to the facebook post;

Weird Art For Weird People - Aly Starr

I got raped and otherwise SAd by a friend multiple times and had a fawning/appease reaction to it.

(Im not even out of this relationship with this friend, and its ongoing. I have complicated feelings towards her, since her reasoning for it is to protect our friendship. Im unhealthily attached to her, and losing her is one of my biggest fears. She knows that losing closeness feels unbearable to me, and so she can ensure to stay close to me, she rapes me. I know how shitty that sounds, but thats the reality I and her live in.)

Anyway, thats not my question, so I have a girlfriend. She is amazing, but I find myself falling back into patterns that seem unhealthy with her too. We live in a long term relationship, and over the phone, sexual encounters went pretty well. I was able to say when I didn't feel like doing things, and it was all consensual and actually pretty fun. But the patterns im describing first appeared when we had our first real life sexual encounter. I noticed myself slipping back into patterns of pushing through discomfort to please her, even at my own expense. IMPORTANT: that is only on me, not on her. She asks if im okay, checks up on me. Its consensual and genuinely a safe environment, and one I can find pleasure myself, but I just still fall back into patterns of pushing through discomfort to please her, even at my own expense.

Now, to my question: What can I do to have safe sex again? I wanna be able to have consensual sexual encounters without falling into patterns of pushing through my own discomfort. Its just difficult to "just do it" in the moment, so im asking if any of you had that same problem and know what I can do. Thanks.

In April of this year I was raped. I was out at a club w my girlfriends and let a guy I knew take us home, to my home. I was very drunk and just wanted to go to sleep. He followed me to my bedroom. I laid down to sleep and he got on top of me. He started kissing me and the next thing I know were having sex. I started crying because I didn’t want it but I didn’t know how to say it. For some reason I was unable to speak, so I started pushing him off of me, still crying. He goes “are u trying to push me off?” But he never stopped, he never got off and I remember trying to push him off as hard as I could. I eventually stopped trying bc I knew in that moment it was pointless. So I just laid there, waiting for it to be over. Every minute was awful. After he was done he lays next to me and wipes my snot and tears w my own blanket, tells me it’s okay and rolls over and falls asleep. Like nothing happened..

Ever since that night I’ve been trying to get to a place of normality, but I can’t. I don’t feel the same, I feel like a shell of myself. I feel so violated and dirty and broken. Does it get better? Will I ever be the same again?

I hate men, I hate people that didn’t help me. I hate myself that I allowed it. I hate myself bc violence and degradation turns me on but also triggers me. I’m so done with healing. Why the fuck do I need to do that job?! I just want to disappear

I dont really know if this counts as grooming but fuck em. I was in 7th grade and she was in 10th. I hate her. I told her to stop. I was just a young boy--she knew better. I told her to stop hitting me and i told her to stop touching me but she didnt. It was all just a game to her. She blamed it on her social cues. I dont think saying STOP and NO was a fucking social cue you bitch. what and idiot she was. my god. she really screwed over my mind. I feel so much hate. She didnt even get punished. and all the other boys barley even take it seriously.

sorry for my shit writing

Obvious trigger warning

A few years ago I had my first boyfriend and I’m only now thinking about how wrong the whole situation with him was. So I was 18 and a virgin and he had a very high sex drive. It just sucked how every time he wanted to have sex I was either super wasted or so tired I almost fell asleep. Our first time (we were both pretty drunk) he was very rough to where I was crying and pushing him away but I didn’t say no and he asked if I was upset or enjoying it and I didn’t answer. He kind of dropped it. I bled for like three days after that, which I know is not normal. But what gets me is that I expressed how painful it was AFTER we did it but I was also trying to joke about it and he wanted to go again ten minutes later. I didn’t want to say no so I just shrugged and he tried to put it in but my body physically wouldn’t let him. I think it’s called vaginismus. A few days later he tried to get me to suck him off but I did not want to go near that thing so I said no multiple times and told him I wasn’t comfortable until he kept pressuring me and said I have to do it eventually and I gave in ugh it was disgusting… anyways I thought I was asexual after being with him and he broke up with me because I kept saying no to sex.
Turns out I’m not asexual, I just had a bad experience and since then I’ve gotten more comfortable and I’m not terrified of sex anymore lol

Because I agreed every time I’m not sure if this was sexual assault or him just pushing my boundaries and being an ass.

17F. I’m not even sure if this is sexual assault, but I just found out 2 days ago that a boy I was friends with and very close to (17M), created 2 ai photos of me in which I was completely nude. He did not create it with the intent to leak it, and has subsequently been forced by two other male friends (who he showed the photos to) to delete all copies of the photo. Photos are completely erased. They have not been posted online. But I don’t know how to move past this. I’m scared to tell my parents because I feel like this is all my fault. But every time I see his face I get a panic attack. I don’t know how to move forward. I just want to confirm that what happened was sexual assault.

Hey everyone, I (20f) was raped by an ex partner on my 18th birthday. I didn’t report. Just blocked him on everything and convinced myself it didn’t happen. He didn’t use protection. I didn’t have the headspace to think of buying the next day pill. I missed my period for two months. I felt my body changing. And just as I was freaking out, I had this very heavy sudden bleeding. I didn’t tell anyone. I knew it wasn’t my period. I was relieved tbh. One less problem to carry.

I have BPD. Diagnosed when I was 15. So I was on meds then. Still am. After this whole thing, I started taking my prescribed sertraline pills but with higher doses. And didn’t take the pill given to counteract sertraline. I had a manic episode that lasted for about 3 months. I didn’t eat, sleep, did so many stupid things. Got in to a relationship with one of my closest friends within like a week of the assault. It ended badly. I hurt her so much. I was assaulted as a child too. And was physically abused by a nanny. All of these started piling up and I could not carry it all.

Then came the depressive episode. I didn’t get out of bed for a month . Didn’t do my studies. Didn’t go to school or anything. My parents are not supportive. They give me money. That’s where their support ends. I went to therapy. Went to psychiatrists. I didn’t get proper help.
I struggled with eating issues and self harm for years. Those days, it got really bad. And I had had enough. So I attempted to kms. It didn’t work(obviously:). I went by myself to get stitched up. My A/L exams were in a month as this happened. Needless to say I did not do well. After the exam I decided to try therapy again. Those days, the eating issue got worse. I was living with my younger brother. Eating got very rare. I tried so many therapists. One of them said( I still get mad thinking about it.) that when I get flashbacks from assaults, just to think happy things. Ugh.

I had suppressed memory of the rape do much that when I had a breakdown from some family issues, all of it came crashing down. I tried getting help but I couldn’t find it. I live in Sri Lanka, so mental health is pretty much taboo.
It was too much. I again attempted. And again I survived.

I met my boyfriend that day. He was amazing. Still is. He helped me get through. He gave me the support I needed. I improved drastically. Found a good therapist and a psychiatrist. Meds got adjusted. Things were still difficult. Lot of panic attacks and self harm. But I carried on.

I did my A/Ls a second time. It didn’t go that well either. But I did it. Happy about that.
In sri lanka, you can try to do the exam 3 times and get into a government university. I want to go to veterinary school. So I have to do better. I’m on a little break from my studies to freshen up to do my best the third time. A week ago, I found my rapist’s insta account. He has 21k followers. All happy and careless. Seems to be doing very well. Yk what the best part is? He goes to the same university as my boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn’t know him. I’m stuck now. I’m in pieces here. Suffering the consequences from his actions. He on the other hand, faced no consequences. I cannot seem to move on from this. I want to continue my studies. I can’t get what happened out of my head. I even freak out when I’m sleeping with my boyfriend. I freak out when he touches me. Idk what to do. At the moment, I can’t afford to go to therapy. I have to get through this. I have no idea how to. Please give me your advice. Anything that you think might help.

Sorry for the long post btw.

I wanted some more input on this. Only one person has been responding on the original post I made.

So i have been writing a book for many years now about some lovers and things like that, and some time ago i finally came to terms with my (around) 7 year long SA (It wasn't rape) and while I was looking for shows or movies that could help give me a character to relate to in my journey of recovering from my SA I couldn't find any that wasn't rape or sex trafficking. What I've come to post about on here is to ask how many of you are a victim of non-penetrating sexual assault and if anyone has any tips on how i should write this into my book so that its not too graphic. It obviously wont be a rape scene but i still don't want it to be scary for the readers but i still want it to portray a survivors feelings before and after the moment.

For a long time, I never considered myself a victim of rape. I’ve heard and related to certain parts of stories of survivors, but never considered myself to be one as well. I never thought I was “too good” or “above that” by any means. I was having an internal battle with myself with the voice of my attacker playing the role of my self-oppression. I made up countless excuses for him, “maybe he didn’t know it was rape”, “maybe somehow i made it look like i consented”, “I never actually say the word no.”, “I was sleeping with people already, so he might have thought it was okay”, “I was friendly to him earlier that night”. Now I know that none of this makes it okay, but let’s play with the idea that he didn’t know it was rape.

Maybe he didn't know it was rape when I was 16 and he was over 18.
Maybe he didn’t know it was rape when he saw me heavily intoxicated earlier that night.
Maybe he didn’t know it was rape when he was guilt-tripping me into letting him come to my house.
Maybe he didn’t know it was rape when he followed me into my bed after I said I was going to sleep because I was too drunk.
Maybe he didn’t know if it was rape when he had to manoeuvre my limp body into a position where he could force his penis inside of me.
Maybe he didn’t know it was rape because he didn’t see me pass out during it, or maybe he didn’t hear me mumbling unintelligible sentences.

I don’t remember when he left, or when it was over, falling asleep, or even what month it took place, but I do remember the way he held my legs apart, and the way he put his hand over my mouth because he knew my parents were home.
For a long time, I never said he raped me, but when I told my friends the story they told me it was rape. I was my rapist’s biggest defender, always disagreeing when people said it was rape, always saying it was my fault. I took shit for years because I was scared of messing up the life of the well-liked, star athlete, from a small town in California who had a big bright future ahead of him.
I got death threats from his friends. I was the girl that made him cheat on his loving girlfriend. I was a whore. I wanted it.
I did not want it. I was only 16.
And I am a victim.

So, I was in physical education class today at school and we were playing some random shit game and our team was off at this point and the other two teams were playing. Then this girl I'm kind of friendly with, she's one of the popular girls though and I'm not, so I'm not fully friends with her since she's always nice to me but I'm not sure if we're actually friends. And so today she and her friend were putting their hands over my wrists to check if I was cutting myself (I'm not) and then so her friend left to go actually do the game.

So then she put her hand up the arm of my hoodie to like, halfway up my arm, and then pinned me against a wall. She then checked my arms again and then like, ran her hands over my thighs for a longer amount of time then needed to check for cuts (and I was wearing leggings, wtf) and then she grabbed my shoulders and pulled me towards her so our faces were like at least 4 inches away from each other, but she didn't actually kiss me, then she let go of me and laughed and went off to her other friend.

And she also told me I'm pretty. And it was really creepy but I don't know if she actually meant it? She flirts with everyone, but with me a lot more because I'm openly a lesbian and she knows that, but it's really creepy and I'm not sure if I should report it or not.

Around 2 months ago, august 11-16th, i have been seeing this guy. He was really nice at first, really understanding. He was a year older, i was already 16 he was 17. We got into his car, and he had unconsensually fingered me, and rubbed me, and had nearly choked me to pass out. I had old him I consented to being choked, but I had said multipket times to stop, then he would do it the exact same as before. The 2nd day, we had been in his car in a parking lot, i was fine with making out and going a little further, but then he kept going deeper as he fingered me (I didn't consent to being fingered that time either), i kept saying to stop, he would either stop then immediately go in again or not stop. Then he kept asking about oral, and it got to the point i agreed because (he admitted this himself ON RECORDING a month later) he asked a "couple dozen times". Then when we did, he had pushed my head down when i tried to get up because i "said i liked that stuff", he never asked me if it was okay, or if i wanted to do that.

A month later, I messaged him after my therapist told me to (she wanted me to get "his perspective"), asking him about it and telling him my perspective. He called me, then proceeded to deny everything other than pressing me into oral and directly contradicted himself about other things. Then i told my friend, she never even told her bf, her boyfriend was friends with him, and he had told her boyfriend that I was lying about it, even though his boyfriend didn't even know.

Only now am i really feeling the trauma and effects, I just went numb and just angry 24/7 for a little, then suddenly recently I just started feeling sick at the thought of even talking about it. It's something I have flashbacks to.

I need advice from anyone, victims, suspects, bystanders idc.

I have recently found out that my father may have been a predator to a few family members/siblings in my house when I was young. I dont have any recollection of me being a victim but I also dont have much memory of my childhood due to medical reasons.

I was told by one of my siblings, they have mental health problems going on rn and we are not close at all. He randomly messaged the father of my children one day drunk and told him things that happened to him. My husband could tell he was definitely high on something when they were able to talk on the phone. But understandingly my husband took everything he said seriously.

When my husband finally told me I had multiple breakdowns obviously. First thing I did was turned to my other siblings to ask if they were victim as well.

The first sibling I asked is my younger sister that my dad has always favored over me. Ive always been the household joke of the stepdaughter middle child vibe because i wasnt a favorite by either parents. The first thing out of her mouth was her laughing, "Oh my god! I thought you knew?!" I screamed and broke down i blacked out and died inside. Begging her to tell me if she was serious. She continued saying that it was and that her and the other siblings, (the one that told my husband, and another sister) would talk about it when they were drunk sometimes. So she said she heard it from both siblings saying it happened too.

I was shocked scared and could only see red. I have two young children and if they all knew and they had been letting my kids stay at his home without telling me I hated all of them. The sibling that told me was the only one looking after my children and he didnt even talk to me.

My husband was in the room and he said he will never forget the look on my face when she told me she thought I knew. Him hearing that sealed everything he feared so he said he would never let him ever see our kids.

As I started to calm down, stop crying and talk to her she started to change her story a little. Then started back tracking a lot! I understand everyone goes back and forth on trauma so I understand while shes being hesitant on telling me the entire truth. But now its all becoming everyone calling each other liars and now she completely says she didnt say that anything happened.

This is a bridge we can never go back on ever again. My relationship is over with him. Idk if im not being accepting of the situation and in denial but now with my sisters completely saying the other sibling has mental health issues and that its not true. Because he also said things that me and my husband know isnt true either because it wouldnt have been possible.

I dont want my kids to spend the night or ever be alone with my father again obviously.

But am i wrong to be willing to be in a family public area with him and my kids? My husband says its never going to happen.

What do you think?

TW: SA

I’m posting this anonymously because it’s an incredibly personal part of my life, but I think I need to hear from people who might understand some of what I’ve been through.
I’m hoping for insight and support, particularly from people who have experienced sexual assault, religious trauma, or both. I’m not looking for anyone to convince me to return to the church. I’ve made peace with the fact that I will never go back. I’m still trying to make sense of what happened to me and what I believe now.

When I was in college, I was an active member of the LDS Church and served as my ward’s Relief Society president. My faith was a significant part of my identity and how I understood the world.
I started dating a guy I’ll call Z. I was attracted to him because he was good-looking, seemed intelligent, came from what I considered a good family, was in good standing in the church, and appeared to respect his mother. Looking back, those were the things I had been taught to associate with a good, trustworthy man.
After we’d been dating for several months, I arranged a double date with my cousin and his roommate, who is still one of my closest friends today.
The date started normally, but Z quickly began making a performance out of how physically affectionate we were. He repeatedly pulled me into his lap despite my obvious discomfort and vocal objections. Later, while we were watching a movie in his dorm, and he kept doing this behavior. I pushed him away and quietly told him to stop, but he acted like he couldn’t hear me.
When I tried to leave, he chased me, sat on top of me, and tickled me despite my objections while trying to make the whole thing look playful and normal in front of everyone. At one point, I was on my back near the front door with him on top of me, pinning my arms down by my torso while he tickled and touched me. I finally managed to get away, told my cousin it was time to leave, and went home feeling uncomfortable, confused, and deeply unhappy.
I walked her to her dorm, apologizing profusely for his behavior and how awkward she must have felt before walking home to sit in the discomfort. He had never behaved this way before.
After getting back to my dorm safely, I texted him that his behavior was inexcusable and that we were over. He begged me to reconsider. We lived directly across from each other in our dorm, so I kept my blinds closed, told my roommates that he wasn’t welcome in our apartment and ignored his calls and texts.
About a week later, I went to deliver brownies for his roommate’s birthday (another one of my friends). I thought Z would be in class. Unfortunately, he answered the door. His roommate wasn’t home yet, and Z asked me to wait on the couch.
I mistakenly assumed I’d be waiting alone.
He sat down next to me and began trying to convince me to get back together with him. I repeatedly said no. Then he started kissing me. I tried pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop.
He forced his hand under my shirt to grope me. When I pushed his hand away and told him no, he pinned both of my hands with one of his and continued touching me. I begged him to stop and kicked my legs, trying to get free.
He sat on top of me, grabbed one of my hands, and forced it down his pants. He began unbuttoning my jeans and touching me. I twisted out from underneath him and fell to the floor, then scrambled toward the door.
He pounced on me again, sat on my torso, and wrapped his hands around my neck, choking me.
“You are mine, Heavenly Father said you were mine.” he said.
I fought to get away. I managed to twist onto my stomach and crawl, but he pulled me back by my legs. Eventually, I kicked him away and ran out the door, across the sidewalk, and into my own apartment.
I locked the door, ran upstairs, locked my bedroom door, and then locked myself inside my private bathroom.
I sat in the bathtub in the dark and cried as the reality of what had happened hit me in waves.
I didn’t go to classes for a week. I barely managed to leave my room to go to work. I was in so much emotional and mental torment that I found myself fantasizing about driving off the road to make it all stop or get some semblance of control.

I tried to get help through the university and met with multiple therapists. Unfortunately, the ones I saw seemed to want me to start dating again quickly rather than helping me process what had happened.
Eventually, I convinced Z to meet with my bishop. I thought someone in a position of spiritual authority might help us address what had happened.
Instead, my bishop told me it was my fault.
I wasn’t allowed to take the sacrament for three months. Z, meanwhile, was still allowed to bless and pass it.
I don’t know how to adequately explain what that did to me. I had been sexually assaulted by someone I had trusted. I had repeatedly said no, fought to get away, and feared for my safety. Then I went to a religious leader for help and was treated as though I was the one who had done something wrong.
I was the Relief Society president. I was trying to live according to the standards I’d been taught. And somehow, I was the one who was punished.
This was the beginning of my physical departure from the church.

My experience with Z was a major turning point, but it wasn’t the only reason I left. I was also struggling with doctrinal contradictions, hypocrisy, and the gap between what the church taught and what I experienced (mental gymnastics anyone??).
The response to my assault fundamentally changed how I viewed the institution, its leadership, and the moral authority I had once attributed to it.
I no longer believe the LDS Church is somewhere I could ever return to. But leaving hasn’t meant that all the questions have gone away.
I struggle to know whether I believe in any god at all. I don’t know how to separate the idea of God from the religious framework through which I was taught to understand God. I don’t know what I believe about spirituality, morality, or faith anymore, and I’m not sure I need to have those answers right now.
What I do know is that the experience left me with a lot to untangle.

It’s been eight years. I’ve seen four therapists, and I’m currently working through this with a therapist I genuinely trust (she is phenomenal, 13/10 therapist.)
I’m grateful to have found someone I feel safe with not only in therapy but also as a life partner, but I’m still struggling to get past the assault itself. It continues to affect me, even after all this time.
Sometimes I feel frustrated that something that happened so long ago can still hold so much weight in my life. Sometimes I struggle with the religious trauma. Sometimes I wonder how much of my understanding of myself and the world was shaped by what happened and by the people who responded to it.
I know, intellectually, that I said no. I know I tried to leave. I know I fought to get away. I know I didn’t consent.
But knowing those things intellectually and processing what happened emotionally aren’t the same thing.
I think one of the hardest parts is that I was violated by someone I trusted, and then the person I turned to for spiritual guidance blamed me instead of helping me. I lost a relationship, a sense of safety, and eventually a religious identity that had shaped much of my life. This has been exacerbated with the reality of who is president of the United States and trending news stories such as the Cornell University story and how that has been affecting Jane Doe.
I’m not looking for a silver lining. I’m not looking to be told that everything happens for a reason. And I’m not looking for advice about how to get back into the church.

I’m hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar.
- If you’ve experienced sexual assault, especially by a partner, how have you worked through the emotional aftermath? Has anything helped when you feel like you understand what happened intellectually but still struggle with it emotionally?
- If you experienced religious trauma after sexual assault, how did you process the additional betrayal of being blamed or failed by people you trusted?
- For former LDS members or people who have left high-control religious environments, how have you navigated the loss of faith? How do you build a sense of morality, meaning, or spirituality when the framework you grew up with no longer feels trustworthy?
- If you’ve struggled with trauma for many years, how have you learned to be patient with yourself without feeling like you’re letting the experience define your life?

I know everyone’s experience is different, and I’m not expecting anyone to have a perfect answer. I think I just want to hear from people who understand some part of this, who can share what helped them, or who can reassure me that I’m not somehow failing because I’m still working through it eight years later.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. It is quite lengthy, so thank you. Please be gentle with me. This is difficult to talk about, even anonymously.

Hello i am 22 years old now everytime i loom back to my behavior as child and as an adult i have every single feeling and behavior i read here i suspected that i was assaulted long before i come on reddit but it seems that the more i read your posts here the more i am convinced i am withdrawn lonly sad most of the time i seem to get over attached or complete unattached with people in my life plus my very weak and forgetful long term memory ia there such a condition?

i don’t want to get into it too much but my boyfriend raped/sexually assaulted me twice while we were both high. he has apologized but still can’t give me any explanation for why he did it. i want to make things work but i don’t know if it’s possible and if i’ll ever stop thinking about it. we’ve been together for a long time and my family loves him so i don’t think i could bring myself to tell them why/if i broke up with him. any advice is welcome!

My SA has just been dredged up in therapy years after the fact. I’m at a standstill as far as accessing and processing it all goes… sometimes I feel the anger moving through me, but usually I just feel numb. I’m hoping to hear your stories about reclaiming personal power, processing anger, etc.

What did you do / are you doing to move forward, heal, and find empowerment again? Anything goes, whether it’s vulnerable, honest, unhinged, or just real… thank you for answering 💗

Hey everybody,

This makes me a little uncomfortable to post, but here it goes. I F(21) have a mother F(49) who I suspect has abused me. It seems like my mother's personality has always revolved around relationships, men, partying, etc. I remember it starting when I was around 7 years old, she was watching a movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis (I think it was called Friends with Benefits?) There was a scene with Timberlake masturbating, and I specifically remember her asking me if I knew what porn was. And apparently she got me to watch a rape video when I was 8, she was patting herself on the back by saying how I needed to know about that stuff. Funny thing is, I must've blocked out the entire incidence since I don't remember a thing, so the entire experience was useless. Ever since I was little, and even up to now, she gets in the bath and tells me to come in, especially if she's been drinking. I basically have to sit on a stool while she talks about random shit and she bathes in front of me. It makes me uncomfortable to watch her bathe, and she seems to get offended if I try to leave. She'll also walk out of bathroom naked stating that she needs a towel, which I find to be unnecessary.

She's a serial cheater and has been cheating on my father throughout their marriage. She'll frequently try to put me in the middle of her affairs by being a 'middle man'. Back in 2022, she started seeing a past coworker and dragged me to another state under the guise it would be a 'mother-daughter' road trip. What basically ended up happening is that I stayed in the hotel room all weekend while she left with her affair partner. I believe I was around 17 at the time. She has dragged me into her current affair by making me watch strip tease videos, taking me to strip pole dance lessons to videotape her routine, and getting me to take her boudoir photos in the bathroom. I was also lied to as she told me this was for my father (not that it makes it any better). In December 2025, she dragged me to a strip club to 'see life from a sociological standpoint'. When I got upset about being in there, and when I was uncomfortable, she stated that I needed to loosen up, and that I was being too close-minded. She started making comments on my personality, making me feel like complete shit. I ended up almost getting into two wrecks because her behavior stressed me out so bad. She was drunk and listening to music very loudly, trying to boss me around about going to a house party or taking her to a THC store.

Back in 2024, I told her I was having some issues with my hymen and needed to go to the OBGYN. It was involving tampons (sorry TMI), but instead of offering some wise advice, she gives me her used dildo to 'break it'. I felt so uncomfortable, but accepted it. When I was 18, she decides to give me hundreds of pages printed out called the 'Blowjob Bible' on how to perform sex and seduce men. I do remember one time of her getting shit faced drunk, and sitting inappropriately in my lap - and I might be remembering this incorrectly, but I think she asked if I needed kissing lessons one time, and bragged about how good of a kisser she is.

She's constantly trying to boss me around about how to date, and insists on having a large amount of control over who I date. She says I'm too shy all the time, and that guys don't like that. A lot of time unfortunately, she ends up flirting with a guy I like and getting a little ego boost thinking she's hot shit. She's constantly telling me I should date a guy that's over 6 ft, looks like Brad Pitt, and makes over 200,000. She also loves making me watch the Magic Mike movies, 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy, and got me to watch the entire True Blood series when I was 16.

I guess I'm saying all of this because she thinks I'm a prude. I've never really felt comfortable talking with her about guys I like or relationships I've been, but I recently started liking a guy and wanted to introduce him to my family. She started freaking out and called multiple family members, extended relatives, and her friends saying how I shouldn't pursue a long term relationship yet and that I'm still a virgin. I got extremely upset that she would spill my sexual history (or lack there of) without my consent. I feel completely defeated. She's now asking if I saw the new photos from some boudoir Facebook group she follows, and mentioned these girls holding Miller Lite bottles to their crotches. She makes fun of these women, and basically brags about how much better she is than all of them. Everything is rooted in jealousy, she always says how she can 'only be friends with guys since girls are too much drama'. Anytime we're out at a public event, she makes fun of these women's bodies and will shit like "man, I really need to loose weight" in regard to a heavier-set person, or "man, look at her".

Sorry if this was explicit in nature, but I can't even bring any of this up since every time I mention something to her, she plays the blame game and somehow denies literally everything. She will never apologize or admit she's wrong. It's crazy because if I try to set boundaries with her, she'll say that I'm being brainwashed instead of accepting my decisions.

So for context, my first year of college I was in a very bad place. To be honest, I was very vulnerable and really unstable. I would meet men on the internet via games (since that was what I did most) and eventually would send them nudes. I did this willingly. I thought it was the only way I could get people to love me (for more context, I'm on a lot of medication now but I was experiencing symptoms of what might be BPD) and to show I was useful to someone. They all knew this. They had seen and heard my breakdowns, and I'd vented to them plenty of times. It wasn't hard to tell that I was vulnerable and would do it just to please them. They enabled this. They would comfort me then ask for more, and I'd give it to them because I thought that was the only way they'd love me and stay.

I know it might be stupid to think, and I know I'm likely overreacting and it isn't that big of a deal. But I can't help but feel dirty and ashamed whenever I think about it, and a friend suggested I might've been groomed and sexually abused. I don't know. Any answer is appreciated, thank you so much.

First i (21) want to clarify that i won't answer any disgusting dms from anyone, or any dm actually. I was assaulted when i was a child repeatedly by a close friend, it ruined my mind and how i function, it sadly gave me this desire to be assaulted again or violated in that way, a few years ago i ranted online about the SA i experienced , and disgusting people send me filthy dms which i sadly went along with, because deep in me i have this desire to be violated again, like i deserve it or something, after that i started sexting people online and create disgusting situations involving me being violated again, after i finished with them i would feel like i wanna puke or die from disgust with myself, it was so awful, luckily i stopped doing that for almost a year now, but the disgust is killing me, i don't know what to do or feel anymore

In my life I had already several relationships that were really bad and violent. And two of them extremely bad and sadistic and abusive. Sometimes I ask myself why does it happen to me? Did I do something in my previous life to deserve that? And after I finally escaped out of such relationship, do i meet another guy who is even worse. Is that bad luck or are some of those guys seeing some of us as easier victims and can analyze us perfectly and put weaknesses. It’s just so frustrating and my mind and body feels so broken after such relationship. I feel even dumb for not being able to just leave them or break up and forgive too much or even follow their orders. Some of the previous boyfriends manipulated me heavily, made me start with kinks I would have never tried, forced me to pleasure them sexually at places that I would never suggest first, forcing me to sexual acts with a friends of them or hookups or sexual acts that are terrible and make me feel cheap. They made violent jokes or even threaten to do the same when we watched horror movies and saw some victims terrible endings. I was constantly emotionally and sexually abused and my body was more like a punching bag for some and I still weren’t able to escape alone. Luckily some friends helped me and I do therapy now again but it’s very challenging and I guess a long road. I‘m sometimes easily scared of men, my exes snapped easily for even the smallest mistakes and even humiliated me in front of others or he flirted with others and kept joking around and I just accepted it. I feel stupid and was totally under their control and I’m worried that it will happen in the future again.

I have been with my partner for quite some time now. We began struggling with intimacy during a low point - one night he was asking for sex and I said no more than once. He continued to ask so much that I just gave in. I ended up laying there and cried while he had sex with me. After some time I brought this up to him and he claims he didn’t know I was crying.
Flash forward to today, we are still struggling with intimacy. He will make verbal comments about my body while also groping me in passing on a daily basis. This makes me feel like an object and I have tried to express that this feels like assault because he knows I don’t want the physical contact. He claims he has needs and he grabs me/makes comments because he is sexually frustrated. I am beginning to cringe at any physical contact from him and he is claiming that I am being unfair and dramatic.

Is this behavior a pattern of sexual assault? Or am I making this daily behavior out to be more than it is?