r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRAlast_resort • 4h ago
How do I (28F) address my boyfriend’s (29M) repeated financial problems before we move in together?
I (28F) met my boyfriend (29M) through seasonal work at a resort in a small mountain town, about an hour away from the nearest larger city. We’ve been together for about eight months, and while I really enjoy our relationship, I’m starting to have some serious concerns about his financial situation and how it’s affecting me.
A few months into our relationship, we planned a three-week road trip that included camping, national parks, and a few major cities. We discussed the cost beforehand, and I estimated we’d each need around $3,000 for the trip. He never expressed any concerns about being able to afford it.
About a week into the trip, he told me he’d run out of money. I ended up covering most of his expenses for the remainder of the trip, and by the time we got home, he owed me around $1,000. He eventually paid me back in installments, but it was frustrating because I felt like this could have been avoided with better planning or communication.
Shortly after we returned, he became fed up with our job and walked out. He found another position that technically pays more per hour, but he no longer has access to the overtime or benefits he had at our previous job.
Not long after that, his car was repossessed.
We live in a very small town where grocery stores, shopping, and most activities require a significant drive. I have a car, so suddenly I felt like his transportation had become my responsibility. He tried to put a positive spin on the situation, saying that without a car payment or insurance, he’d be able to save more money.
About a month ago, I booked a birthday cruise with my parents. He wanted to come along and assured me he could afford it, so I booked his ticket and he reimbursed me.
Unfortunately, the same thing happened again. While we were on the cruise, he ran out of money, and I ended up covering his expenses until he could pay me back afterward.
Now, his current job has started cutting his hours, and I’ve recently learned that he has no savings and no established credit. He also refuses to get a credit card.
What concerns me most is that we’d previously discussed taking a few weeks off between seasonal jobs, moving across the country together, and signing a lease at our next destination. I’m now realizing that none of that is financially realistic for him. Without savings or credit, I would likely be the one responsible for securing the apartment and taking on the financial risk of the lease.
Another thing that’s been bothering me is that earlier in our relationship, he told me he owned a home in California. Naturally, I assumed that meant he had some financial stability or possibly rental income. I later found out that he doesn’t actually own the home. He expects to inherit it when his mother passes away.
I want to be clear that I don’t expect my partner to be wealthy or make a certain amount of money. I understand that seasonal work can be unpredictable, and people go through financial struggles. What bothers me is the repeated lack of planning, the assurances that he can afford things when he clearly can’t, and the fact that I’m increasingly being put in situations where I have to cover for him financially.
We’ve only been together for eight months, and I’m already feeling like I’m taking on responsibilities that shouldn’t be mine. I’m financially independent, and I’ve worked hard to put myself in a position where I can travel, save, and enjoy my life without constantly worrying about money.
I care about him, but I’m starting to wonder whether we’re simply at different stages in life or if these are signs of a much bigger problem.
I am reconsider the relationship over this. Is this something that can realistically improve, or am I setting myself up to become financially responsible for another adult?
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u/Throw63892 4h ago
Girl, run. Do not sign a lease with this man, do not move across the country with him, and do not spend another dollar covering his lifestyle.
*Telling you he owned a house in California when he's just waiting to inherit his mom's property is a massive, manipulative deception designed to trick you into thinking he was financially stable.
*He has ruined two separate vacations by running out of money a week in, fully knowing that because you are trapped on a road trip or a cruise ship, you will have no choice but to bail him out.
*His car got repossessed, and instead of taking accountability, he spun it as a 'positive' because he knew he could just ride on your insurance, your gas, and your vehicle.
This will not improve. He is 29 years old with zero savings, zero credit, an unstable work ethic, and a complete refusal to plan for the future. He is perfectly content letting you take all the financial risks while he reaps the benefits of road trips, cruises, and a future apartment.Break up with him before you are legally bound to a lease you have to pay for alone. I wish you the best!!!🥰
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u/B5565 3h ago
The only upside so far is his refusal to get a credit card. Outside of the fact no decent bank would extend him credit, not having a card prevents him from being an even bigger financial fuckup.
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u/Wonderful_Ad_6089 2h ago
He probably had a credit card already that he maxed out and never paid, so they don't want to give him another one. Also, if his car got repossessed (because he spent the money on a vacation he couldn't afford mind you), his credit is probably too terrible to get one. So he pretends he's being responsible and choosing not to get a credit card.
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u/jillian512 2h ago
We're assuming that he never had one. Dude could have all kinds of debt floating around.
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u/CantaloupeShort7311 2h ago
Right? OP presented that as a bad thing and its like girl, that is the ONE smart thing this guy has ever done! He can't afford normal life, thinking he can somehow afford things when he maxes out a credit card and has that monthly bill along with the bills he cant afford in real life is wild.
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u/BoudiccasJustice 3h ago
And the rage quitting without a backup plan?! You know that’s not the first, nor will it be the last time he does that.
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u/Luv2bakeallthetime 3h ago
I was reading this and my first thought was “Girl - run!” You said it first. Serious red flags waving all around
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u/boopthesnootforloot 3h ago
Also, that he went on a $2,000 road trip whrn he knew he was behind on car payments is insane.
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u/Schrodingers_Ape 42m ago
My ex-husband went on a cruise once. He had a gambling addiction. Ran out of money on the 2nd day of the trip and phoned me to wire more. I refused. He was livid "but I've got to buy Christmas presents!"
Emphasis on "ex" husband.
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u/Your_Daddy_1972 4h ago
So he lied, or at the very least embellished about owning a home, and is regularly making you cover when he runs out of money?
I mean he's pushing 30 years old and seemingly can't manage his own finances. I don't know why anyone would consider moving together at 8 months in, let alone with a person that can't seemingly do basic adulting
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u/MaryKath55 3h ago
Hobosexual in the making, once he’s in her place and fully latched it will take Op years to get rid of him, meanwhile he will ruin her financially
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u/ObscureSaint 3h ago
And his mom's house won't be there after she dies. She raised him to be like this, do you think she has the house put into a trust to avoid the five year lookback for medicare? No, her house will be sold when the nursing home bills come in. There will be nothing left afterwards. It happens every day, unless you plan for the future really, really well.
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u/Music_withRocks_In 3h ago
Honey.
I'm sorry, but being this financially irresponsible disqualifies him from a long term relationship. Do not move in with this man, do not finance his vacations, do not get more serious. He will ruin your life. I am not joking. He really will. You cannot fix this, and like quicksand the more you struggle against him the faster he will suck you into debt.
You are probably not the first girl who realized this guy is a money pitt and walked away to save themselves. Which is why such a smart funny loving guy was on the market in the first place. He looks like a charming bungalow for an amazing price, but that's only because there is black mold in the walls and it's haunted by angry ghosts of creditors past.
Leave before it's too late.
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u/GrayPearl623 4h ago
This is simply who he is. Whether you choose to stay with him (while acknowledging that you can never live with him and be financially secure), is up to you!
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u/Competitive-Gift-762 3h ago
How the hell do dudes like this keep woman? Jesus Christ
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u/spidaminida 3h ago
By lying and lying...then lying some more. Why bother being good person when words will do?
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u/Kooky_Ad_4796 3h ago
Woman: don’t give any chance to man like this😭
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u/_BreakingGood_ 3h ago
I would hope he's really hot, otherwise it reflects really badly for OP
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u/BobDDstryr 3h ago
So - his claiming ownership on a house his mom owns is a huge red flag. That’s not his house. It may never be his house. Maybe she’ll remarry and give it to her new husband. Maybe she’ll sell it and travel. Maybe she’ll get dementia and use it to cover a stay at a memory center.
But that is her money, to do what she wants with. It sounds like if she were to get sick and he had power of attorney.. he wouldn’t do what is best for her, because he already sees that as his money, so spending it in her best interests is a waste.
But even if he does inherit it - that won’t magically make him better about money. It’ll just be longer before he runs out. He’ll quit his job, and slowly spend it on nothing, and be back where he is now.
You do not want to tie your finances or life to this guy - he is a leech and will only bring you down. He paid you back the first time, so you’d be comfortable helping him out in the future. Going forward I assume he’ll pay you back bits and pieces, but never the whole thing. “Well, you’re the one that wanted to visit your parents”
Run far away from this guy. He’s super bad news.
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u/Actual_Banana4833 3h ago
Also, that's so dark to be counting the money of his in-the-future dead mom.
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u/Recent-Owl-9135 2h ago
Out of all of the red flags, and there are many, this was the biggest and grossest one of all. If I was OP I would run because this man is a manipulative grifter
Damn tOP account is one hour old, pretty sure this is rage bait. They haven’t responded to anyone.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 1h ago
Exactly. OP will never be financially secure because she will always be covering for him instead of growing financially. He will bleed her dry. Honestly he sounds like a hobosexual. A professional leech.
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u/No-Property7136 4h ago
Run 🏃♀️
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u/Intelligent_Lead7724 3h ago
Correct. As a guy, I would not expect a change. We are who we are.....
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u/Intelligent_Lead7724 3h ago
Spend time on the 'Fire' reddit board. You will have the opportunity to find single, financially people to connect with.
Fire = financially independent, retired early
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u/_BreakingGood_ 3h ago
This post gotta be rage bait
Either that, or this guy better be hot as fuck
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u/Recent-Owl-9135 2h ago
The account is one hour old, it’s rage bait.
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u/ThrowRAlast_resort 2h ago
Not rage bait. I usually only lurk on my main so it said I was too inactive to post. Had to make a throwaway to make this post. As I can plainly see I didn’t do enough work while single and am still letting these red flags fly. Time to be single for 4 more years
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u/kerlsburgers 4h ago
Yeah, I did that with my first wife for 11 years.
Believe me when I tell you it gets absolutely EXHAUSTING being the only one holding the ship together, financially. The resentment will build with each slipup, and every time you save him, all he will learn is that you will save him every time.
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u/exhiledqueen 2h ago
And by saving them, we further enable them. I guess that’s part of “tough love”. I’ve never been good at that.
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u/Careful-Bumblebee-10 4h ago
Your boyfriend is a lying mooch who is almost 30. This isn't a question of different life stages. There have been a lot of questionable decisions already made in 8 months and it isn't getting better. What makes you think it will ever? What would you tell a friend if they told you this sequence of events? Girl.
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u/Daisy-Daisy-8546 4h ago
You are setting yourself up to become financially responsible for another adult.
You haven’t even been together for a year. I would be mortified if I was on holiday with a partner at 8 months and had to ask to borrow money from them. Not that it would happen because I’d be well aware of if I could noy afford the trip in the first place.
If you move in with him now, it will affect your own financial stability having to be responsible for paying his bills. Not to mention having to provide him with transport which will add an additional burden to your life.
I strongly advise you not to move in with him. If you decide to continue seeing him. Then you should make it clear that your car is not available to him and that you will not be loaning him any more money.
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u/Adept_Policy_2996 1h ago
Do not continue to even date this man OP. If you continue to date him, you will continue to bail him out. You are already providing him transportation. If you continue to date him, two years in he will ask to move in "just until he can afford to find a new place", after he's been evicted from wherever he is currently living. Will you be able to tell him no at that point? This exact scenario is how women end up with hobosexuals who won't keep a job, who don't have their name on the lease or utilities... who depend on you to provide housing, transportation and groceries, while their money evaporates on fun stuff and constantly changing employment mixed with periods of unemployment (until they think you'll walk).
This one is not a keeper. Not even for a boyfriend. I'm sorry, but if you stay he will just become more enmeshed in your finances.
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u/HeartlessBabydoll 4h ago
I would simply just not move in. This seems like a scenario where he would be expecting to live off of you or financially take advantage in some way.
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u/AdhesivenessWhole774 3h ago
Girl. You're describing my ex-husband to a T. I was always the provider and he kept us in financial ruin. He is now 42, still has never held a job longer than a year, has no savings, no credit, and currently owes me $6k in back child expenses. Don't do it. It will not get better. He will continue to mooch and your finances will be a living nightmare.
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u/jason22983 3h ago
Finances aside…you don’t feel like you’re doing too much for an 8 month old relationship??? Making plans to live together, going on family trips, long ass vacations? Those are you do with years invested, not months.
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u/racrenlew 3h ago
Uses your money and pays back in installments? YOU are his credit card, without interest. If you leave him, he'll probably just find someone else to mooch off of. Find someone who's financially stable like yourself...
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u/everfixedmark_1924 3h ago
Wow. This financially irresponsible adult man has repeatedly put you in precarious financial positions of having to support him and you are still considering moving in with him? Fool me once, shame on you. But ma'am, he's fooled you at least 3 times already. Get yourself out of his hot mess while you still can, and next time someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
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u/Lanky_Following_3436 4h ago
It sounds like you have become the parent in this relationship. You’re responsible, and a reliable source of support for your partner. However, your partner is not reliable or responsible to you. Given how early it is, it seems unlikely this guy is going to change anytime soon- and he’s banking his future on what he expects to inherit vs what he is doing to improve his life with his own abilities. Since you sound like a realistic and practical person- you will probably be happier with someone who shares these traits. I’m wishing you all the best - you deserve better!
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u/Pattysthoughts 3h ago
What person would go on a cruise w no money or credit. Wasn’t he embarrassed in front of your parents? Weren’t you?
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u/Emergency_Cherry_914 3h ago
The only positive in his behaviour is the fact he refuses to get a credit card. If he had one, he would undoubtedly put a heap of purchases on it and then default.
Just break up with him.
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u/One_Resolution_8357 2h ago
OP, remember this. The purpose of dating is to screen partners who are unsuitable long-term (if you want a long-term relationship as most of us do). What has 8 months of dating revealed to you ? lies and deceit (he does not own a home), chronic financial irresponsibility. At 29 years of age, your BF should have started getting his sh*t together but he mooches off you, quits a job he needs but does not like, loses his car and come to count on you for everything while contributing...... what exactly ?
You seem pretty level-headed and you know the answer to your own question. Realistically, he is unlikely to improve, he has it too good with you. Your support has become a crutch. Do you really want a lifetime of the same frustrations ?
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u/ThrowRAlast_resort 2h ago
Getting it all out definitely helped to see how foolish it is to think this will change. Others in my life have said it’s possible, and he’s a great guy so it put doubt in my mind. We will definitely be breaking up
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u/irmasworld57 1h ago
I know it’ll hurt, but you’ll look back someday, and be glad for taking that step.
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u/One_Wheel_4531 3h ago
Absolutely not. Nope. No way.
It’s been eight months. You’ve seen enough. Kick him to the curb.
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u/OnlyAnotherEmily 2h ago
Why are you dating someone this financially irresponsible? He's going to destroy your life.
MEN ARE NOT RARE. We as a society have to stop acting like they are. Is this man really worth holding onto? Does he make your life better? Does he take care of himself, and of you sometimes?
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u/katmcflame 3h ago
OP, there’s apx 4 BILLION males on this planet. Dating is a numbers game & a selection process. Stop wasting time on one you know to be defective.
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u/Big_Aardvark_5696 3h ago
You can’t improve anything for him. Only he can make the decision to improve his habits. The only thing that you can control is your reactions and responses to decisions and actions of others.
It seems right now he really doesn’t have much of a need to improve his actions because he’s figured out that although you will be irritated with him, you will still bail him out.
Whatever you do, please do not sign a lease with this man, and please do not commingle your expenses in any way shape or form.
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u/UnluckyIngenuity 3h ago
Do you want to adopt him or marry him? Because he's definitely looking for a money mommy.
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u/CallistoFiore 3h ago
Let me sum this up for you:
He lied.
Doesn’t matter whether it’s intentional or it surprised him, the end result it he has lied to you on multiple occasions.
Do not ties yourself to someone who refuses to be realistic and communicate.
It’s not about the money, it’s about the lack of transparency and lacking the ability to be forthcoming -before- he’s backed into a corner and has to confess.
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u/whofrmdrgrrbbt 3h ago
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. This is who he is. Accept it and be hus sugar mama, or leave. Love isn't enough.
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u/Amplith 3h ago
He lied about the home, and he’s horrible with money. Soon, he’ll get comfortable with taking advantage of you…well, he already did that with the car, and fyi, if his car was repossessed, his credit is fucked.
By saying now he doesn’t have a car payment, the transportation responsibility, along with gas, insurance, and wear falls solely on you now. To be honest, he’s kind of a dick for saying it like that.
As you mentioned, you worked hard to get where you are…he has no respect for that, and sees you as a financial ticket.
Trust me, I’ve seen it happen many times.
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u/Scary_Loss5581 3h ago
He spun the car repossession as a positive, because he'd be able to save more. And then he continued saving nothing. That should have been a pretty big indication.
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u/East_Committee_8527 2h ago
I had a boyfriend like this. After a while it began to erode my respect for him. He was nice enough and an intelligent companion. However he was in his early forties and had moved back in with his parents. I think they may have been giving him money as well as room and board. He began to take my paying for our outings for granted. When I realized he didn’t make much effort to do better. That was where it ended. It sounds like your guy has no interest in changing. Better to part ways now than when you are financially committed to a lease.
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u/purplepanda5050 1h ago
My ex was like this with money too. Quitting jobs all the time. Saying he was stressed about money but buying alcohol, weed, and cigarettes all the time. I highly suspect his parents were giving him money. In our three year relationship he did not get better with money.
Dump this hobosexual. You are literally subsidizing his life. Break up with him.
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u/Dependent_Beach6388 1h ago
Stop funding this guys vacations and do not move in with him! Girl you deserve better
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u/Sufficient-World-450 1h ago
I stopped reading 4 sentences in. Why do you want to saddle yourself with a partner that can’t take care of himself? Can’t build anything lasting if there is weakness in the foundation. Move on and good luck!
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u/TruckCapable1597 3h ago
Your boyfriend is not smart and possibly a bum. Bail while you can and for the love of god, do not sign a lease with him.
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u/Chester-ran-out 3h ago
Omg … turn and run!! 🏃 what other proof do you need that this guy is just doing whatever he can to have you subsidize his wanna be lifestyle!
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u/Extension_Low_1571 3h ago
If you’re happy being the only adult in the relationship, fine. If you want a partner who is a fully functioning adult, look elsewhere.
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u/FindingHerStrength 3h ago
Yeah do not stay with this man. This is a disaster waiting to happen for you if you’s move in!
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u/Brownie-0109 3h ago
Not a groundbreaking thought, but there are ways to navigate this so that you’re both spending less money in order to be together. Staycations. Some couples in your collective situation do it.
But I expect this is likely going to be unsatisfactory for you
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u/GnomieOk4136 3h ago
Signing a lease with him would be an incredible mistake. You will be legally responsible for that lease and he will inevitably default, just like he did on the car. He lies constantly (that house in CA was a whopper of a lie!) and leaves you to pick up the pieces. He quits every time he is annoyed, again, leaving you to pick up the pieces. He is not just making bad choices, he is showing you his character. It is not good.
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u/Evening-Anteater-422 3h ago
You're incompatible. You have different goals and values in life.
Let him be who he is, break up, and move on with your life.
The point of dating is to find out if you're compatible. You're not. No one has to be the bad guy in order to "justify" breaking up, but likely he's taking advantage of you.
I would not continue to date someone financially irresponsible. It's a drama I just don't need.
He won't change. He has repeatedly shown you who he is. It's time to move on.
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u/PromiscuousScoliosis 3h ago
Oh hell no get the fuck out of there. Are you looking to adopt a leeching man-baby? Because that’s what you’re signing up for here
He’s needs a ton of work and has a lot of problems. Those don’t have to be your issues though.
You don’t owe him anything. Cut your losses and move on
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u/bopperbopper 3h ago
There’s one thing not having a lot of money as a young person, he keeps acting like he does have it and expecting you to pick up after him and lend him money. He shouldn’t be going on Cruises he can’t afford it or trips he can’t afford.
Absolutely do not move in with him because he will run out of money and you will have to pay for everything
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u/carlosmurphynachos 3h ago
At 29 he lacks massive financial maturity. I know people struggle and fall on hard times, but he seems nonchalant about the whole thing. He has no savings so you are his back-up plan! This won’t change. He’s not going to wake up and decide that he needs to be fiscally responsible.
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u/InspectorDapper8012 3h ago
Why would you choose to take this on if he isn't fixing it himself? He is going to destroy you financially.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 3h ago
He is taking advantage of you and he has been lying to you from the beginning of your relationship.
If you want to move do so, but leave him behind. He’s a hobo looking for someone stable to prop him up.
Please cut this guy loose.
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u/Adventurous_Oil4513 3h ago
I'm surprised you lasted 8 long months with him considering his financial situation. He sounds financially irresponsible. Can you imagine dealing with constantly covering for him for the rest of your lives?
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u/Ill_Dragonfly_6673 3h ago
He is 29 not 16. He should understand how to manage money. I promise you that nothing you do will change him. As long as people (girlfriends) keep bailing him out he has no reason to change.
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u/biggest-damn-potato 2h ago
This hobosexual is going to expect to move into your house when he gets evicted
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u/visarmy 1h ago
I mean i think you do want someone who makes a certain amount of income given your lifestyle. He does pay back what he owes he just doesnt have the sum upfront. Relationships always uncover what is important to oneself. Here yoh coearly want financial stability. Communicate this to him and see what compromise happens or move on
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u/Minimalist2theMax 1h ago
He won’t get a credit card, or CAN’T qualify for one? Why would he be sensible in this one area of credit? There’s something else going on with that.
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u/lantana98 1h ago
Irresponsible and unreliable - two of the worst traits in a partner. It can’t end well so why waste more time?
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u/Unhappy-Lengths 1h ago edited 1h ago
My little brother is this kind of dude in a seasonal/resort work and let me tell you to RUN. And if you don't run (yet), do not move in with him and do not mingle finances until you've been together a few years and you've seen his entire job, income and lifestyle across several years. See how many long term friendships, see how he handles long term commitment because if he's been working in a seasonal industry his entire adult life he likely can't handle anything longer than 9-12 months.
And you don't address a goddam thing, it's his shit to deal with. You enjoy the fling that this was before you start drowning under him.
Edit to add - just re-read your post and saw you've been together 8 months. I can't quite say I called it on the 9-12 months remark but I'd say it adds some weight to my points.
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u/pabrocjb 1h ago
He fits the description of a hobosexual. Do you want to live within his crazy boundaries and lack of planning? I think it's time to break up with him.
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u/Delicious-Cycle-4465 1h ago
You don’t move in with him. Problems like these don’t get better. They get worse. Leave him. You don’t need to raise a man and stress yourself out. It ain’t worth it. You deserve so much more
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u/TruthfulBoy 1h ago
Get therapy to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Stop wasting time on a loser
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u/Much_Opening_43 1h ago
Girlfriend, run. Your life will be more of this if you move in with him. He is a LOSER. Lose him.
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u/dlew16 1h ago
You are financially more mature than he is. He is financially immature and not showing signs of growth. You will be dragging him through financial life, this will not magically get better unless he puts in the work and mentality wants to learn. He will say he wants to learn but his actions tell a different story
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u/Desperate_Tax8711 1h ago
Financially you and bf are not matched. In the long run that is most likely not going to work without one of you becoming resentful. Date him and have fun but don't plan a long term future with him. Stop planning vacations you end up paying for and don't mix your $ with him. Meanwhile, it is impressive how a seasonal worker can pay for two vacations in less than 8 months and still have money to loan out.
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u/kevin_r13 3h ago
It still takes a few months for the actual process of repossessing car to happen, so it means he let it lapse for that long without really doing anything. Or maybe his creditor / car dealer was just really direct and aggressive about missed payments. There might be that kind of benefit of a doubt.
But combined with everything you're seeing and concerned with, it's not a good idea to move in with him. You might still stay with him if you really want to keep trying, but you just need to say no for things that you don't want to do, such as covering bills for him or being his taxi.
But staying with him doesn't meant he keeps going the way he is. He should be taking steps to be better about finances and he should want to do it because he wants to be with you. If he doesn't care enough to try it and be better about it, then maybe you don't have to stay either.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 3h ago
I wouldn't move in with him. He's all over the place, and never has the common sense to say "you know, I actually can't afford that" and instead just expects you to cover for him.
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u/Kooky_Protection_334 3h ago
He's almost 30. This is who he is. Accept or leave. I recommend you leave unless you want to end up paying for him all the time and baling him out. Money is one of the main reasons people divorce. He's not financially responsible. Love is not enough to make a relationship work.
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u/imissmolly1 3h ago
He’s found a great new Mom, to help him through hard times. Ther will always be hard times, Mom!
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u/spidaminida 3h ago
He is financial problems. That's what he do. If you don't like it, you don't like him.
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u/WoollyMammothwapo 3h ago
Please don’t risk your stability for this man. He has demonstrated his refusal to be honest about money, and uses you as his backup plan. My son in law did own a home but he didn’t take very good care of it until he married my stepdaughter and she insisted. So I know what it feels like to think this guy who owns property is stable, but then find out it’s not really the truth.
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u/SuccessfulAd4606 3h ago
As I often say, if there was less demand for losers like this there would less supply.
Get your shit together girl.
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u/astrotekk 3h ago
He's financially irresponsible and dishonest. If it were me, I would walk away from this person before getting any more involved. The more you become involved, more unequal, this situation will become.
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u/creativekinda 3h ago
Don't let you heart make decisions when your mind already knows the truth. You know what the answer is which is why you're posting here. He's a liar and a user. Nothing good can come from this.
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u/TararaBoomDA 3h ago
I didn't get past Week One of your road trip before I started shouting, "Dump him! He's going to drain you dry!"
Let me repeat.
Dump him. He's going to drain you dry.
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u/cantantantelope 3h ago
This is who he is. If he wanted to change he would.
Assume he will never change even a little bit and decide how long you want to put up with it
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u/DeniedAppeal1 3h ago
You have three viable options...
Become his teacher and coach and guide him through the process of becoming financially literate. He may or may not graduate (setting up a good financial framework and being responsible with money), but you can try to teach him. This option is your best chance at having a successful relationship with him, but you're gonna feel like you're his mommy while you're doing it.
Communicate your needs and trust him to figure it out. This option depends on him putting effort into teaching himself a valuable skill that he should already have. If you communicate the importance of this (a softly delivered ultimatum) and he values the relationship enough, he'll learn. This is probably the option least likely to succeed, based on what you posted here.
Accept/breakup. Financial compatibility is one of the keys of a healthy, successful relationship... And that means that you can either accept full financial responsibility for the relationship, including any pitfalls he runs into, or you can end the relationship because he is not mature enough to hold up his end of a long-term adult relationship.
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u/Disastrous-Panda5530 3h ago
I’d leave him. He is financially responsible and will keep relying on you to finance him when he can’t. It’s been 8 months I imagine it’ll be more of the same or WORSE if you signed a lease with him.
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u/OppositeHot5837 3h ago
have a search for the word 'reciprocity' and relationships: let THAT be your measuring stick for all cordial and serious relationships moving forward in your life
Consider your past experience with Mr Cheap one of those 'life lessons' you will look back upon in about 5 years
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u/WTF4Sally 3h ago
What the hell? Can I help you find your self esteem? Run girl and don't look back!!!
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u/RamblingRosie 3h ago
He sounds like a hobosexual. You are young, set him free to mooch somewhere else.
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u/GuiltyCaptain3 3h ago
I mean the problem is clear in the title. You can’t address his financial problems. He can, but clearly isn’t.
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u/IllReplacement336 3h ago
Please follow your plan to move across the country and work at a new destination. If he gets himself together, he can follow. If not, you have escaped the man trap. Win either way.
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u/InsertCleverName652 3h ago
You address this by not moving in together and breaking up with him. Unless you are looking forward to supporting him the rest of your life. You don't love him as he is, and rightly so, because he is a hobosexual. You are in love with his potential, and that is almost always a recipe for disaster.
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u/orundarkes 3h ago
1) He’s right about not wanting a credit card, he’ll fucking wreck himself.
I have no other advice.
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u/littlewitten 3h ago
You can’t save this. He’s decided you are the financial answer to his problems.
You could try to make this work by getting his credit report, running a background check and interviewing his family but you already know what you are going to find.
Either you accept you are his atm and he won’t do anything to fix his financial situation or move on.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 3h ago
You should not be in a relationship or even dating this guy, never the less, be considering moving in with him.
This is a train wreck in slow motion. Get off the train.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 3h ago
I think you already knew the answer before you wrote this. You just need someone to tell you you’re right and that you should break up. It’s hard when someone you really care for isn’t capable of being a good partner. Plus, we should be with partners as they are, not who we think they can become if they just put in the effort.
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u/moxie_squid217 2h ago
This relationship should have never gotten to the 8 month mark. You should have ended it as soon as he let you know he ran out of money on that first 3 week road trip. I’m willing to bet that his lack of having a credit card isn’t by choice, he likely can’t get one. He relies on you repeatedly to help fund his life, and he lied to you about the house. The signs of a “much bigger problem” couldn’t be more glaring if they were a neon sign in the middle of a gasoline fire. End this immediately.
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u/Individual-Fail4709 2h ago
Hard no. Stop rationalizing his terrible financial behavior. That's an anchor. Why would you go on another trip with someone who can't afford it? Just end it.
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u/ItsMissR 2h ago
You both need to go through Dave Ramsey’s financial peace university. See how he does and if he doesn’t step up after you should walk away. He has to be willing to walk the path and be a partner to you. But the way you describe him he may not know how and maybe didn’t have good mentors. So if he is willing to do Dave Ramsey’s program and step it up, then there is some hope. If not, move on.
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u/Beetlejuice_me 2h ago
So he lied about owning a home, he rage quit a job and he leans on you for transpo and money when he has none - and doesn't tell you about it until after the fact.
Get out while you still can.
I would also demand payment up front for anything in the future (if you don't ditch him).
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u/jenniferonthemoon76 2h ago
I wouldn't go any further with him. I never got involved with a man who didn't have his act together. I was doing fine on my own. I'd never be happy with a man who wasn't on my level or better. Why let a man drag you down?
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u/truckerslife411 2h ago
Congratulations on having your financial house in order and seeing this red flag of financial illiteracy in your boyfriend. Do not sign a lease with him. Do not get any account in both your names. Not a credit card, car loan, bank account, nothing.
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u/SassySal51 2h ago
Cut bait now,!!! This boy child has no financial common sense let alone budgeting capabilities. You will end up being the one carrying the financial weight. It is not up to you to educate him or try to change him. He needs to grow up and take financial responsibility and often folks like him ..male or female...never do change. Reddit is full of posts by men and women with financially irresponsible spouses.
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u/NoPhotograph5147 2h ago
I am so sorry.
I will tell you that I was your age when I got together with my late husband. And he was just like your boyfriend.
I kept telling myself that he was going to change and he kept promising me he would. Far too late I realized he just told me whatever I wanted to hear.
I loved him but he drained my bank account and I lived near the poverty line for almost two decades dealing with his financial shit. I wish I had not married him but I had low self esteem and he wasn’t physically abusive (a step up from family and my first husband). Since he has been gone, it’s incredible how good it feels to know I always have money for food and gas and can start saving.
The only good part with your boyfriend is he doesn’t have a shit ton of hidden debt if he’s never had a credit card. That being said, PLEASE make sure that he doesn’t have debt before you consider living with him. He might not have a credit card now because he’s got so much debt he’s hiding from.
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u/Such-Problem-4725 2h ago
I bet he can hardly contain his excitement at living in a rent free all expenses paid life with you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/ScarletDarkstar 2h ago
Learn to say no, for the love of God and pancakes!
I can't believe you fronted the money for the cruise booking and let him pay you back at that point. You can adopt a child if you just want someone to take care of, and they'll grow and learn.
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u/TrickyParsley269 2h ago
Easy solution. Don't move in with him. He's a leaching, lazy bum. Don't think because you write about it to strangers that he will change. Stop being so naive.
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u/coralcoast21 2h ago
Listen to the podcast "The Dating Detectives" (I'm a fan, nothing more) with special emphasis on the episodes about financial abuse, because that's the bus you are about to board. There are men out there who pay their own way.
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u/Suspicious-Grand9781 2h ago
Address them by getting your own place Do not move in with him and do not share financial accounts.
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u/mynameisnotjerum 2h ago
Hate to break it to you but he's a bit of a loser. I mean if you want to save the relationship with him, set the expectation that you expect him to earn a certain amount to support the lifestyle you both want to live...not you support it and him pay you back..maybe. He'll either do it or he wont and there's the answer. Dont take any excuses.
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u/swbarnes2 2h ago
This could be okay if you made enough money, and he was pulling his weight in the house; doing most of the chores, handling most of the errands, but I don't think either of those is the case.
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u/steffie-flies 2h ago
Getting his finances in order is all his responsibility. You can't make a person do something they don't want to do! In the meantime, stop financing his life.
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