How can I (25F) navigate different views on attraction with my boyfriend (26M)?

[u/Free-Produce5472]

How can I (25F) navigate different views on attraction with my boyfriend (26M)?
My boyfriend recently told me he experienced what he described as sexual tension with a female coworker.
He explained that he felt uncomfortable making eye contact with her and couldn’t interact with her as naturally as he does with other women. He said he wished he could treat her normally but struggled to do so.
When I asked whether he was sexually attracted to her, he said no. When I asked if he felt any attraction, he answered, “Not consciously.”
During our conversation, he also explained that he believes experiencing attraction toward other people is a normal part of being in a committed relationship. From his perspective, the important distinction is whether someone chooses to act on that attraction.
I experience attraction differently. When I’m in love with my boyfriend, I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction toward other men. It’s not something I actively suppress. I simply don’t experience it.
Because of this, I’ve been struggling to understand his perspective, especially since the person involved is a coworker he may continue interacting with regularly.
Our conversation became emotional. He explained that he felt interrogated about an involuntary experience and wanted empathy rather than feeling judged. Meanwhile, I was hoping for reassurance and emotional support because the situation left me feeling hurt and insecure.
I recognize that we may genuinely experience attraction differently, and I want to find a way for us to discuss this without either person feeling dismissed.
I’m interested in hearing from couples who have navigated similar differences in how they experience attraction.
What helped you understand each other’s perspectives? How did you communicate your emotional needs and establish boundaries that worked for both partners?
I’d appreciate advice on how to approach this conversation constructively.

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[u/AgonistPhD]

Well. It sounds to me more like he needs to navigate having inside thoughts and staying quiet, but 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/darklingdawns]

Being in a relationship does not slap blinders on someone - we all notice the pretty, and occasionally we're attracted to someone else. The key thing here is his action in response. He's talked to you about it and he's clear that he does not intend to act on this attraction. Those are both very healthy responses and a good sign for your relationship.

It's fine if you don't experience attraction to other people when you're in a relationship, but expecting the same thing from your partner is neither healthy nor realistic. Your partner's request for empathy is a good way to look at it - hopefully you've never experienced sexual abuse as a child, but if someone you were close to talked about it, you would give them empathy and support. By the same token, you may not experience attraction outside the relationship, but offering your partner empathy and support is a good idea, especially given his clear determination not to act on the attraction.

By the same token, you can ask him for what you need: 'I understand that you're not planning on stepping outside the relationship, but just hearing you talk about it makes me feel insecure. Could I have a hug and some reassurance that we're solid?'

It's not necessary that you understand each other's perspectives, just that you understand the fact of those perspectives' existence and respect them. Both of you need to actively voice what it is you need from the other, and both of you need to remember that boundaries are for the individual ('I don't stay in a relationship with someone who does X') and that they are the ones responsible for enforcing them. When it comes to another person, all you can do is express your feelings and make a request, but they are able to deny that request.

[u/Background-Orange-61]

He wants you to have empathy for finding another woman attractive 😂

[u/Labradormondays → u/Background-Orange-61]

Yeah this is where he completely lost me. That’s not cool

[u/Free-Produce5472 → u/Background-Orange-61]

He said he told me because she’s his coworker, and the whole situation made him feel really uncomfortable and confused

[u/New_Seesaw4717 → u/Free-Produce5472]

Uncomfortable? Is she doing something to him? Is this purely one sided? If it’s one sided his reaction is weird as hell. If he’s confused it’s because he likes her and feels guilty most likely.

[u/JCMidwest]

He simply needs to stop sharing in detail how strong his attraction is to his coworkers and you need to understand that not.evrryone is you.

There really isn't a significant need for you two to have a deep understanding of what attraction is like for the other

[u/panteragstk]

I think your issues a more around communication than anything else.

It doesn't sound like it was productive for either of you.

[u/Poppyhowlss]

I thought I wrote this post for a second.

But anyway I have no idea why he feels the need to tell you. I’m like you and can see someone is attractive but I have no sexual attraction to someone when I’m in a relationship and it’s hard to understand how someone can. My bf is the same as yours. And it can be hard. I guess the most important thing is that you feel the most special. Sure he may find other girls attractive but as long as in his eyes you’re the number 1, you’re the most special, prettiest etc. then I think it’s okay. If you don’t feel that way and are constantly doubting yourself, you could be with someone who will value you and will think the world of you.

[u/hcymartian]

I think it's very normal to experience some level of attraction to other people while you're in love and committed to your partner (as long as you don't actively cross any boundaries). Whether you should communicate those feelings or not is something that depends on your relationship.

I consider myself a very jealous person in the sense that when someone's making moves on my partner, for example, I feel strongly about it. I did not see a problem in talking about harmless crushes tho - like that person you look at from afar but you don't feel like doing anything other than just,,, looking.

Me and my first partner would show each other our crushes if they were harmless and it really wasn't a problem. In my 2nd relationship tho, I felt like my then partner would always find a way to bring up all the girls who were into him as a way to show there was competition? And that made me feel extremely insecure.

In short, if you're both of the same mind and feel chill about a subject, I don't see why he wouldn't share. But if it makes you feel insecure, he probably shouldn't mention it as it's not something he intends to act on anyway, so it should not affect your relationship.

[u/Humble_Surround3619]

There is no need for a conversation.  It's just a fact that men and women are different in this way.  You are not going to convince your boyfriend to think like a woman.

For more insight on this, listen to episode 500 of This American Life.  The section on testosterone illustrates this point from someone's personal experience.