r/relationship_advice • u/ZuluChuk • 1d ago
My partner (41F) and I (M39) have spent every Christmas with her family for 11 years. How do I get her to understand that I can't keep doing this?
My partner (41F) and I (39M) have been together for 11 years, and we have two boys, aged 7 and 3.
Throughout our entire relationship, we've never had a Christmas that didn't revolve around her family. She absolutely loves Christmas, whereas I've gradually grown to dread it.
I struggle with the excessive spending, the pressure to buy gifts for people who often don't want or appreciate them, and the expectation that everyone should be enjoying themselves. My partner, on the other hand, tends to overspend and practically moves into her parents' house for a week or more over Christmas.
Since losing my father and grandfather, Christmas has become particularly difficult for me. They were a huge part of what made family gatherings meaningful, and without them, I've struggled to find that same enjoyment. Instead, I find myself spending Christmas making small talk with my in-laws, feeling increasingly disconnected and miserable.
I've tried suggesting alternatives over the years. I've asked whether we could spend Christmas at home, just the four of us, and start creating our own family traditions. I've also suggested going away somewhere together. Both ideas have been flat-out rejected.
This year, I'd really like to visit my grandmother, who lives about three hours away. She's one of the only relatives I have left in this country, and spending Christmas with her would actually mean something to me.
The problem is that my partner doesn't seem willing to consider anything other than spending Christmas with her family, as we've always done.
I'm now seriously considering going to my grandmother's on my own and letting my partner take the children to her parents as usual.
I know my boys would miss me, and I'd miss them terribly. The thought of not being there on Christmas morning genuinely upsets me. But at the same time, I feel like I've spent 11 years compromising on something that matters to both of us, except the compromise has always been entirely one-sided.
I'm not trying to stop my partner or children from enjoying Christmas. I don't expect her to suddenly stop loving it just because I don't. I simply want some consideration for my own feelings and an opportunity for us to create traditions as our own family.
I'm reaching the point where the resentment is starting to affect how I feel about our relationship. It's not really about Christmas anymore. It's about feeling that my wishes and feelings don't carry the same weight as hers.
What I'm looking for advice on is:
How do I communicate just how unhappy this situation makes me without it turning into an argument?
Is there a reasonable compromise that allows us both to enjoy Christmas without one person feeling forced into something?
How do other couples handle Christmas when one partner is very attached to their extended family's traditions and the other wants something different?
Would spending Christmas separately make the situation worse, or could it be a reasonable short-term solution?
I love my partner and children, and I don't want this to become something that damages our relationship. But I also don't want to spend every Christmas for the rest of my life feeling miserable and unheard.
I'd really appreciate advice from anyone who's dealt with something similar.
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u/inductiononN 1d ago
At this point, maybe just show her this post? A good partner does not get to flat out reject something that is important to you.
It might be worth it to do what you want and just let her be upset about it. She doesn't seem to care for your feelings about this at all which is pretty shitty.
I'd ask her why what she wants is more important than what you want.
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u/Troublemaker2172 1d ago
Especially having already lost people he loved and surely would have loved to spend Christmas with at least once in the last decade. Don’t let her take away time spent with your grandmother, OP; there’s no reason she has to get her own way every single time. It’s incredibly self-centered.
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u/f4usto85 13h ago
I had to do something like this (doing what I want and letting my partner be upset about it). Similar situation, but I normally spent Christmas with my family (24th and 25th) and then travel for the 26th to be with my partner and his family. Here in Barcelona, 26th is more important so it has worked for me/us for some years. But the 25th and 26th are so stressful for me every year, traveling back here from Madrid, always running, spending more, in dates that are supposed to be spent relaxing and sharing moments. He has an old grandfather (89) so he wants to spend those days with him but so do I with my grandmother (84). So, at least for this year, I had to let him know I will just travel there and return when I can and not to expect me going to his parents place.. He wasn't happy about it, but I think (hope) that deep down he gets it
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u/CleanPerspective2345 23h ago
Yeah, this is it. Eleven years of one-sided compromise isn't a compromise, it's a tradition she's forcing on you.
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u/Unchained_Memory33 12h ago
I think part of being a family unit involves sometimes spending these holidays apart occasionally esp if it is so you can connect w your own family. It’s a shame if she won’t join you
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u/pimppapy 40s Male 1d ago
Man married to make his own family circle, instead he married INTO another family circle made before him. Basically joined a tribe. . . a Christmas Consumerist tribe if you will.
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u/RadicalRoses 1d ago
Wow, that’s a lovely statement you’ve made there….
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u/antwan_benjamin 23h ago
Wow, that’s a lovely statement you’ve made there….
Pimp Papy never misses.
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u/GameboyPATH 1d ago
How do I communicate just how unhappy this situation makes me without it turning into an argument?
Find a time to sit down and have a talk with her with no interruptions for a while.
Start by sticking to what you know: What you've noticed, and how it makes you feel. Avoid making accusations, judgments, and assumptions about her or her family. Stick to facts, observations, and personal feelings.
ASK her for her thoughts and feelings about what you've shared. Even if she has her own reasons for wanting Christmas as her family's, can she understand why you feel the way you do? If she doesn't, invite her to ask you any clarifying questions. You can also offer to seek her perspective on the status quo. Does she expect this to go on forever? Does she feel particularly strong about December 25th, or can Christmas be other days that week?
Acknowledge where she's coming from, even if you disagree with her stance on how Xmas is spent. Likewise, prompt her to acknowledge your point of view, even if she wants things to stay the same.
Offer to work with her on figuring out a plan, moving forward, that can work for BOTH of you. This step should come last because it's first important for you to feel like your feelings and expectations are understood by her. Plus, whatever alternative plans you make also need to be what she's willing to go along with, so you can appeal to her feelings, motives, and goals in your approach to finding alternatives.
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u/ryeong 1d ago
I really like this advice and want to add: it can be easier to find your words if you write your talking points down first and no one should judge you for taking the time to be thoughtful. And often times, it's a good device for arguments because sometimes we just need to vent, so when you write down the thoughts you get a lot of the superficial stuff out of the way, leaving you with the core issues. Ask yourself from that post what really bothers you and then work out what you want to say from there. As an example, you might realize you don't care as much about the gifts as you do about the expectation of remaining in high spirits or the fact that she won't even attempt to meet you halfway.
And I do genuinely think the latter is a serious topic. Partners compromise and meet each other halfway. You're not asking for much.
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u/GameboyPATH 1d ago
And I do genuinely think the latter is a serious topic. Partners compromise and meet each other halfway. You're not asking for much.
This is why I recommend figuring out a compromise as a LAST step. I typically tell people that the only solution that's going to work is whatever one BOTH parties can be okay with.
In talking out their respective feelings first, they can understand each other's underlying feelings, motives, and goals behind what they want. If this gets accomplished, compromises that are offered can address these points. For instance, if the exact date ISN'T important to the wife and she just wants a Christmas-themed get-together with her family, what if they go on a different date in the holiday season?
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u/Loud-Bee6673 1d ago
This is a really good way to structure the discussion from your end. Do be aware that she still can take it completely off the rails. I would solidify the most important points (I would like to have some say in holiday plans, my family matters too) and don’t let her turn it into an argument that isn’t about this specific issue.
I would really reflect on whether this is just about Christmas, or if she always puts her needs and wants ahead of yours. If she does, this might not be reparable. You can’t control her behavior, only how you respond to it. Best of luck getting this sorted out.
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u/Suitable-Net2779 1d ago
This is solid advice, especially the part about understanding each other's reasons before jumping straight to solutions. But I think the biggest issue here is that he's apparently suggested alternatives for years and they've all been rejected. At some point, it stops being a communication problem and becomes a willingness-to-compromise problem. Her attachment to her family's Christmas traditions matters, but so does his grief, his relationship with his grandmother, and his desire to build traditions with his own kids. A compromise shouldn't mean one person keeps giving up what matters to them just because the other person feels more strongly about it. Both partners need to be willing to make room for each other's needs.
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u/Inconceivable76 12h ago
I guess what I’m struggling to get from his end is what his motivation is. If his motivation is literally just, I don’t want to celebrate. I want to sit at home and do nothing holiday related, I can understand better where she’s coming from.
Christmas is very important to her. And the tradition she wants for her kids is one of family, love, and joy. her partner going into a depression and doing nothing isn’t something that she should necessarily compromise on because what is that tradition?
Seeing his remaining family is something she should compromise on. But this is the first in 11 years he’s seemingly brought up, so I’m guessing she doesn’t believe him.
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u/friedonionscent 2h ago
I've lost loved ones and Christmas will never not sting for me...but that's not my kids problem. I will magic the hell out of that day because now is not her time to be depressed and jaded.
OP resents having to rock up and make some small talk...but what alternatives has he proposed? Moping around at home? Rocking up to an elderly woman's house? If you can't emotionally grapple with the day - let them go and spend the day as you wish.
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u/throwaway112112312 17h ago
I mean, this would have worked if this was year 2 or 3. This has been going on for 11 years, and she has already rejected him many times. This could be a good starting point but his aim should not be to placate her at this point. This is beyond that.
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u/atticcat1030 1d ago edited 1d ago
Um wtf!?? The good thing about Christmas is there's 2 days: Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. If she wants to go a few days prior and be there for Christmas eve, then go to your Grandma's Christmas Day why can't that be done? Or flip flop it and you all go to your Grandma's Christmas Eve and then spend Christmas Day up through New years with her family? There's so many ways to make this work so it's mutually beneficial. Since the kids got to go to her side the past decade, does that mean you get to take them to your grandma's for the next decade? This isn't fair at all and I'm sure she's only putting her foot down because you allowed it all these years so she knows she can. She's entitled to love Christmas and want to spend it with her family, but that doesn't mean her preferences automatically trump yours. You have children together now, and you deserve the opportunity to build your own family traditions, too.
Continue to bring it up. Be a pain. Not in the sense of picking fights, but in the sense of refusing to let the conversation be shut down just because she doesn't like the alternatives. A compromise requires two people being willing to compromise, and you can't be the only one doing it for the rest of your marriage.
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u/plantstand 23h ago
If religious, there's even twelve days after Christmas Eve.
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u/Seguefare 22h ago
And the 12 days start at Christmas and ends on January 6. Epiphany or Old Christmas.
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u/IntroductionOnly1037 1d ago
This is a deeper problem than where to spend Christmas. Does she always get her way? Is she enmeshed w her family? When was the last time the family did something you felt strongly about? There are some real communication issues here which needs work, probably with a therapist. This sounds like a marriage at its breaking point tbh.
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u/illarionds 1d ago
My late wife and I had a similar difference of opinion, though in our case it was me with the strong family Christmas traditions.
We compromised by taking turns. One year I got to take the whole family to my parents' for our traditional Christmas. Then we'd leave on Boxing Day morning, and go either to her parents', or back home as she chose.
Next year, she chose where we'd spend Christmas itself, then on Boxing day we'd head to my folks'.
Not perfect, but fair, and no one ended up resenting anyone.
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u/TroublesomeTurnip 1d ago
You've communicated your needs and have tried to compromise. She's being unreasonable here. At minimum, she should want to do Christmas as a core family and celebrate with hers maybe the day after or on New Year's. It's utter ridiculous she monopolizes Christmas.
You get a vote just as much as she and possibly your kids.
Regarding spending, I'd say she buys for her own family with her own money. Or you use a combination of both, with a limited budget. My SIL and brother just give one gift to my parents. Then my brother buys me a gift. I never get anything from my SIL nor do I buy for her and that works fine for us.
Maybe it's time the family visits you guys? Or preferably, you alternate as you suggested. Maybe you visit one family the week before and the other, the week after which gives you guys your own Christmas. Given your loss, I encourage you to go to your side this year though. With or without kids.
My heart breaks for you. Show your wife this post but it sounds like she won't budge. :(
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u/phase2_engineer 11h ago
Maybe it's time the family visits you guys?
I like this idea, where they could even try to invite both sides of the family together as well
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u/pepperpat64 1d ago
Just tell her you're spending Christmas with your grandmother this year and she can either join you or go to her family's. She sounds very inconsiderate TBH.
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u/dart1126 1d ago
Maybe this SHOULD be an argument.
Babe, why do we always and only do what YOU want,and why do you care so little about what I want…ever? Why do you act like only your family matters?
This sounds like a lively discussion LOOOONG overdue
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u/blivet 1d ago
Yeah, my ex was the same way. Her family was the one that mattered, while mine was an afterthought, at best. I actually liked her family a lot, but she behaved as if spending time with mine was an imposition. I may be projecting, but I don’t have a good feeling about the future of OP’s marriage.
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u/a_dance_with_fire 1h ago
I also have an ex that had a similar view. Pissed me off and was one of the (many) contributing factors. I want to spend some holidays with my side of the family, not always my partners (or of course us doing our own thing).
In my experience, relationships with continuous one-sidedness won’t last
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u/_shelborg 23h ago
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a healthy argument, but I do think the way this is phrased is more combative than it needs to between partners for healthy discussion. Best to avoid blanket generalizations and use more specifics IMO
Can’t always get it perfect with emotion but just noting could be more effective
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u/PickMeAPoppy 3h ago
I have a sense if she’d just acknowledged OP’s feelings from the start we wouldn’t even be here. This is about OP feeling unheard and his feelings and wishes somehow not being as “valid” as hers in this marriage. If she’d simply said: “My God, babe. This sounds like it’s really hurting you. What would make it easier?” I suspect he would feel far less inclined to completely leave at Christmas.
That said, OP show her this post and the comments. You’ve been doing a lot of the emotional work already. Time for her to do some.
I had the same situation happen to me. Holidays every time with her family, never our own little family celebration, and I felt disconnected from my in-laws. My kids were 3 and 5 when I said I wanted a divorce. Of course, there were other factors, but your wife needs to know there’s a potential risk to continuing this “one-sided compromise” behavior.
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u/Iwentforalongwalk 1d ago
Sorry to say that you have communicated to her but she doesn't care what you want. Get that through your head. She. Doesn't. Care. If she did she'd find a way to meet your needs as well as what she wants.
You have two choices here. You can continue going along with her plans and doing all the crap, or you can develop a spine. You should go visit your Grandma without them if your wife once again refuses. She'll huff and puff and try to make you feel guilty but don't let her manipulate you. Your kids will be fine without you for one day.
Also, just think how much you'd regret not seeing your grandma if she died in the next few months. You'd kick yourself.
My guess is that your wife is used to getting her way in most things which has gotten you into this predicament. I suggest you reflect on your overall relationship dynamics and ask yourself if she ever meets you halfway or if you do everything she wants and nothing you want.
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u/lifeofhygge 1d ago
Remember… Your grandmother has lost both her husband and her son. Stay close to her over the holidays.
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u/plantstand 23h ago
We're on the three year rotation: Xmas at home, Xmas at the in laws, Xmas at my parents.
You've got overspending issues too, and some seriously mismatched expectations. Take the kids to Grandma.
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u/fantahotpop 22h ago
100% the only answer. Weve been doing it for 11 years and it truly is FAIR. It also allows us to build our own christmas traditions.
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u/dookle14 1d ago
I think you do an excellent job articulating what the issue is in your post, and posing these exact same questions to your partner is fair game.
“I feel like I’ve spent 12 years compromising on something that matters to both of us.”
You have not been compromising, you’ve just been doing exactly what she wants to do. A compromise would involve her making some form of concession or agreement to your benefit.
I personally wonder if your wife has some childlike/nostalgic attachment to doing Christmas at her parents’ house. Perhaps spending so much time there reminds her of her childhood or those special memories growing up at that time of year and she clings to it.
As for compromises - why can’t you host Christmas once in a while, and have her family come to you? Perhaps you could also invite your grandmother to the same event and both of you get to spend the holidays around important people you care about.
Either way - you definitely need to have a serious conversation about this. I think what you’ve written here is a good starting spot for you. If she just straight up dismisses you, then I’d be looking to elevate this to couples counseling.
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u/dechets-de-mariage 1d ago
Tell her that 11 years of doing what she wants is not a compromise. Ask her how she’s willing to split the time. You could suggest that one side of the family gets Christmas Eve this year and the other gets Christmas Day. Next year you swap.
But honestly I have a feeling she’s not going to be open to change of any kind, which is a shame.
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u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage 1d ago
I think you've communicated all of the reasonable options. My vote is to go visit you grandmother and take the kids.
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u/GrouchyEquivalent693 1d ago edited 1d ago
11 years of only HER family???? OMFG she is so bloody selfish. The audacity of her 😡
ETA: In what other areas are you conceding to her, just to avoid an argument? This can't be the only issue where you are being steamrolled over. Why is her opinion or decision more important than yours? Christmas should be shared. One side has no more "rights" than the other.
If my partner stood their ground and refused to allow my kids to see my family year after year I would be seriously reconsidering why I am with them.
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u/confusedquokka 8h ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know how frustrating it is as I had the same issue and it eventually led to a divorce.
It isnt just about Christmas, it’s about the prioritization of her nuclear family over yours, her wants and needs over yours, and it doesnt feel like an equal partnership. Does she do selfish things like this in other parts of your relationship? Is it always about her needs and wants? Are you always forced to compromise? Are you giving halfway then forced to go to 90%?
How about couples therapy? You need someone neutral to get her to see it another way. Your kids should see a different Christmas with your family, your side matters too even if it isn’t as loud.
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u/Garden_gnome1609 1d ago
Just tell her you and the kids are spending Christmas with your grandmother and after 11 years in a row, it's your turn. She can like it or not.
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u/hmets27m 1d ago
Many years ago a man said to me that he disliked white Christmas lights and preferred colored lights while standing in front of his house with white lights on it. Obviously I asked why he had them on his house then. He said his wife preferred white lights so on odd years their lights were white and on even years their lights were colored. Marriage is about compromise and wanting your spouse to be happy. Hope your wife is willing to compromise so you can have what you want sometimes.
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u/Ellie_Reads_Romance 1d ago
My spouse and I normally alternate holidays from “his” side to “mine”; when someone is alone or in ill-health we go to them.
My husband is good at speaking in the moment, whereas I am not. If I want to bring something big up to him I write down my talking points, so it doesn’t come off as scripted since it’s not written word for word, but it just keeps me from skipping a topic when I’m anxious.
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u/_Jahar_ 1d ago
She sounds incredibly selfish and self centered. People here have good advice but it sounds like you’re going to need to utilize a “talking stick” or something when you have the convo because she seems the type to just bulldoze over everything you do.
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u/Iwentforalongwalk 1d ago
Nah. No talking stick. She doesn't care so nothing he says will work. He just needs to tell her he's visiting Grandma this year and she can join him if she wants.
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u/HatsAndTopcoats 1d ago edited 1d ago
How do I communicate just how unhappy this situation makes me without it turning into an argument?
What is there to argue about? You are unhappy. She either wants to treat that as a problem that needs a solution, or she wants you to be quiet and accept it. You can't make her be different. She can't make you be different. So skip the argument, believe what she's showing you about how she feels and what she wants, and use that information to make the best decision for yourself.
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u/FunDifficult1361 1d ago
You have used your words and communicated with her. The problem isn’t how you communicate. The problem is she doesn’t care. It is an argument because she refuses to care about how you feel, and she can make you miserable and drop it to avoid argument. If she acknowledged your feelings and compromised, there would be no argument. You need marriage counseling so you can learn to communicate and negotiate with a neutral referee. In that context she will have her unfair habits pointed out and will have an opportunity to change, or she will double down and you will know where you stand.
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u/SpaceCommuter 1d ago
It might go a long way to discuss this in marriage counseling, so there's a ref present to make sure she listens to you.
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u/been2thehi4 14h ago
Your partner is wrong for this. The holidays should have been switched between families every year. It is not fair she and her family get to bogart the holiday. Hey OP’s wife, your family is not more important than his. Your kids should be experiencing both families around the holidays. Shame on you.
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u/Trineki 1d ago
Not being able to reasonable talk with my spouse would be so painful.
We switch off holidays. Christmas with my fam and Thanksgiving with hers. Next year it swaps.
We got 'lucky' that hers only does a tiny Christmas so if we want we'll even leave on Christmas eve/day from her family and still head to mine or early the next day. Though I always tell her we can stay more (her family only does a small Christmas eve/morning event depending on the year.)
I've never been a huge holiday person, but I always prioritize seeing family as much as I can around those times because you never know how long you'll have with them.
With your wife. I'd likely suggest the every other compromise - maybe starting next year, but honestly, it's not like your springing this all the sudden on her so it's ample time to adjust schedules and be loving and accommodating. I'd setup a budget per person/family and stick to it. And setup a reasonable time frame of visitation 3-4 days I want to say is normally a good time. I forgot the golden rule my mom.. Or was it my grandma told me with visiting, but it was around that time frame.
If reasonable communication and compromise can't be met, I always recommend seeing a counselor to help mediate and see why it's such a stickler of a problem - normally there's a bigger reason or something going on. Some mindset that could be helpful or suggestion.
Having a Christmas just you four could be good, but fully excluding her extended I don't see ever being a good decision. Including family is good even just for the sake of ur kids-I have such fond memories and home videos of my grandparents - though they did travel to us too
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u/CallIcy8807 17h ago
Why would the kids automatically be with her? You're their parent too. I would tell her outright that you're taking them to visit your grandmother this year and you'd love for her to join you but if not you can have another Christmas together when you get back.
She has not been compromising or asking permission so I don't think you should either. If she baulks at it you can point out that you've all done what she wanted for 11 years.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 16h ago
Go see your grandmother. State that is what you are doing and follow through. Be clear and firm. Don’t negotiate.
Honestly, I’d take the children too.
Your partner understands that you have a family and you want to see them. She just doesn’t care. She prioritizes her wants and happiness and those of her family over you and yours. She isn’t going to change.
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u/thedarkking2020 1d ago
Wife-
I know how much you love spending the holidays with your family, and I love how thay have made me feel so welcome in their home. Since losing my father and grandfather, Christmas has become particularly difficult for me however. They were a huge part of what made family gatherings meaningful, and without them, I've been struggling to find that same enjoyment.
This year, I'd really like us to visit my grandmother, She's one of the only relatives I have left and she is geting older, and spending Christmas with her would realy mean something to me. I'm not trying to stop your or our children from enjoying Christmas.
if she still resits, take your children to meet their great grand mother anyway.
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u/In-all-multiverses 1d ago
My brother's family spends Thanksgiving with his in laws and Christmases with us. Maybe you can start a new tradition by designating a holiday for your grandmother too?
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 1d ago
My dad doesn’t really have a lot of family here in LA. We usually spend Christmas with my mom’s side. He’s sometimes sad and we let him be. He would never force us to not celebrate with the family we always celebrate it with. Go visit your grandma by yourself and see how you feel leave late afternoon so you can spend time with your kids. Also, I think you have depression.
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u/crfgee5x 16h ago
First, I'm so sorry for your loss and how sad the holidays feel. It doesn't matter how long ago they passed, your pain is real and needs to be acknowledged and respected.
I'm also sorry that your wife ignores your feelings and ideas and refuses to compromise. That's very hurtful and not a fair arrangement. She also seems not to care about budgeting when it comes to her relatives.
You may have capitulated in the past to avoid arguments, but that just keeps your sense of unfairness inside you to fester and become real resentment. You need to communicate your hurt and your needs. If she truly loves you, she will listen and you both can come up with a solution together. It doesn't have to be an argument.
You can do Christmas Eve with your family and Christmas with hers, alternate years or let her spend time with her folks till Christmas and then travel to your grandma's and spend the week and New Year's with her. Also make sure you create a budget together. If she's spending for show, that's another issue you need to talk about.
If she goes off and ignores you, that's a more serious problem that needs marital counseling. But you don't have to give in. Just tell her calmly to have a good time and that you're going to see your grandma. You can FaceTime her so she and the kids can enjoy talking to grandma too. Who knows? The kids might want to join you and grandma and FaceTime Mom! Just be aware that you have limited Holidays left before the kids are grown and making their own decisions about Christmas. They need an example of what to do. If they let their spouses run the show, you and your wife might end up being the ignored family. Or they might join their Mom's tradition and have tensions in their own marriages. Teach them by example how to make compromises so they can make stronger relationships.
I really hope your wife can hear you and I wish you the very best and peace for the Holidays.
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u/Inconceivable76 12h ago
Counterpart: is it fair to their kids to have a christmas filled with less love, joy, and family because he grieves for loved ones that had passed?
I get him wanting to see his family. And that should be accommodated. But his over arching argument right now is that he is sad around Christmas and doesn’t want to celebrate it.
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u/Successful_Sail1086 1d ago
Holidays have always been a big deal for both of our families. When my mom was still alive we would alternate years Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine on year and then swap the next (T with mine, Xmas with his). Now my mom is gone and my family doesn’t get together for holidays his family wants to have every day. We do Christmas Eve just our small family, Christmas Day we do breakfast and presents at our house, then go to my in-laws for 4 hours or so. Then go home and spend the rest of the day just us. Your wife is being unreasonable. You say you’ve been compromising for 11 years, but you haven’t. Compromise it when you meet in the middle and both sides give up some of theirs wishes to reach something both parties can be okay with. You’ve just been conceding to her wishes.
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u/okFINEyoufoundme 1d ago
Someone else suggested showing your wife this post. And I’m going to agree, but add my own little bit for her to read, if you decide to:
YOUR family is as important as HERS, as is the family the two of you have created together. And children deserve to experience the traditions, gatherings, even exposure— of both sides of the family during holidays as well… but (wife, please note) with the same level of enthusiasm.
Your grandmother isn’t going to be around forever, and your children deserve to experience those moments with both sides of their family.
As for the exorbitant spending… well, I was forced into this with my exhusband and eventually gave up. Thoughtful, expensive gifts were handed off for so long that I got tired of receiving $15 dollar impulse-grab robes or socks. I decided to match the energy instead: give me $10 bath salts, and I’ll give you $10 candles.
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u/Ok_Culture8726 1d ago
You haven't spent 11 years compromising--you have spent 11 years capitulating. It's time for your partner to start compromising. I can't tell you how to get them to do it, but it's definitely time. Hugs and good luck!
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u/PlayfulMacaroon180 22h ago
Could you not invite your Grandma to your house and have everyone visit you? That way there could be fun with in-laws all together, and quieter times with just immediate family? That would be a compromise where everyone gets some of what they want. Your wife’s way of doing Christmas sounds more high energy/fun for kids, and it might be a shame to completely take that away from everyone.
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u/magic_madge 20h ago
How will she feel when her sins grow up and don't come for Christmas because their wives insist they spend holidays with her family?
Might be something to explore
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u/mercijepense- 17h ago
In my family, once the kids weren't babies anymore, we decided Christmas was at home. Anybody is welcome to come over, but we aren't going anywhere. Thanksgiving is different, as my BIL has cancer and we try to spend some of the holidays with him as well.
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u/greutskolet 13h ago
Im sorry, i don’t actually have any advice. But I want to tell you as someone who’s family to a man who is in your situation that at least we absolutely do not judge our family member and we miss him at Christmas. My uncle is in your exact same situation. We haven’t celebrated Christmas with him for 15 years now, his wife only wants to spend Christmas with her family.
Ok the bright side, their kids are getting older now and one of them have actually also been saying she wants to come to us. I think you should show the post and the comments to your partner.
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u/Moist-Doughnut-5160 12h ago edited 12h ago
My children have to travel to get to me for holidays. Both of them are married. One has a child will be a year old just before Christmas.
My one son has in-laws in Florida. They have my blessing to divide their holidays up as suits them. After several years together, they have worked out a plan to split the holidays. And I have no problem with that. I like my son’s in-laws very much.
My other son lives on the West Coast. They haven’t been home in close to three years, but I have been out to see them twice. They both work. And the last two times they traveled by air. They were both sick for weeks afterwards.
Went through hell with two marriages, where they fought tooth and nail for us to be there every moment of every one of their many holidays. It created a lot of stress and unhappiness. Especially when I was young and I was working for five years in a service industry that did not recognize every holiday is having to be at the in-laws disposal, regardless of my work shifts.
The days of mandatory attendance (when you’re working, and you have a life) at holiday functions, those days are gone.
Have that talk with your husband. Tell him that you would like to do something different. Whether it’s having a holiday at home with just you and your children. Or going to visit your side for a change. You are part of a partnership and he needs to respect that.
What would he say if you wanted to go on a vacation over a holiday? Would he insist that you couldn’t because you have to sit there and hold your in-laws hands? You’re grown-ups. You work hard. You deserve to live your life. Don’t let your parents guilt you into compliance.
You have children, and you have the obligation to make memories with them. To build traditions with them. That is your choice. You can build memories with either side of the family or just with you and your spouse. That is your call. Not your in-laws.
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u/EggOk174 18h ago
I'm slightly on the fence on this one!
What does the rest of the year look like in terms of spending time with her family? Do you visit your grandmother at other times of the year?
Between my partner and I, I am the Christmas lover. He is indifferent. While we have made a compromise to alternate xmas every year between our families, I actually think it's a shit approach. We see his family all the time, we are away from my family so see them rarely. My family do more to celebrate Xmas. Xmas means more to me. Looking at the bigger picture, it would actually make more sense to do Xmas with my family every year. The compromise is more just because he doesn't really like Xmas and would rather not make the effort to travel and be away.
I guess what I'm saying is, while I don't have all the context, I think I may see where your partner is coming from on this one.
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u/123_Butterfly 11h ago
Why does it have to be one Christmas or the other?
Would your wife's family be open to having/inviting your Grandmother to join their Christmas?
Then your kids get to see your Grandma too.
My family invites family, friends, neighbors etc to our Christmas.
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u/beergal621 1d ago
The time to discuss this was probably 10 years ago.
If this is how she wants to spend Christmas with zero compromise and you didnt agree you probably should have ended the relationship over the lack of compromise on her part.
If she refuses to compromise and you refuse to go your in laws it looks like you’ll be spending the holidays apart. You can’t stop her from going and she can’t force you to go.
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u/foxdogturtlecat 1d ago
Wasn't this posted yesterday by a different account?
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u/whoaelena 1d ago
The wife whose husbands dad is dead and theyre going to florida?
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u/scienceoftophats 1d ago
The obvious question you'll get is Why not see grandmother another day so you can spend Christmas with your kids and wife?
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u/yellina 1d ago
A bit of a different take. I think there are two things at play here.
The first is emotional hangups around the holiday itself. The expectation of enjoyment and meaning at XMAS can put a ton of pressure on the day. And for some people (myself included) it makes slipping into depression and disappointment much easier. Without your father and grandfather, I wonder if you’re mourning the holidays you wish you could have spent with them. It does make me wonder whether you’d feel melancholy and disengaged on Xmas regardless of who you were spending it with.
The other piece is a communication problem. You’ve suggested a couple alternative plans “over the years”, but has there been a time recently when you’ve sat down with your wife, told her this is important to you, and laid out some true compromise options? A “What if we tried X this year?” in passing is very different from “Hey wife. Got a minute? I wanted to check in about our Xmas plans this year. I’ve been feeling a lot of dread and resentment about our typical plans, and I’d like to find a compromise that allows us to celebrate in a way that’s meaningful to both of us…”
Of course, if you’ve been just that direct and forthcoming about your feelings and still been shut down then that’s another thing entirely. But I do think some people underestimate the importance of explaining the why and the feelings behind a preference.
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u/Pres4Fear 1d ago
Hi, to make this the easiest I can for both me writing the responses and you reading them im just going to number the answers in the order you had the advice seeking at the end of your post. So.
There's no clear way of doing that because people react to things differently, even if you came to her with the utmost respect and well thought out speech to get your point across, she could still get upset and start an argument herself but then blames you later saying you started it by bringing something up she didn't like. But if it were me I would just say exactly what you've said in this post. If sje cant accept that and be understanding of that then im not sure its going to get better.
IMO after 11 years you shouldn't have to compromise. But, if you did have to compromise I would say a fair one would be you and your family spending the night before Christmas eve and the majority of the day of Christmas eve with your family and then head to your wife's family house for Christmas eve night, and that whay your there for Christmas morning, so that your wife can carry her traditions but you're also able to spend the time with your family during the holidays that you need.
Me and my partner are very similar to your circumstance. My partner really loves the holidays and birthdays and I just dont, but we've come to an agreement that we only do family get togethers for holidays only once every other year.
From my experience going through this same thing with my parents when I was a child is yes, spending Christmas separate would definitely make it worse not just for you, you and your wife, but most importantly your kids. At least for me, when something like that happens as a kid, it feels like you did something wrong to make your parents do that, and that the world is ending and that Christmas time is negative time of the year because thats when we aren't a family. I would definitely say try to avoid this option at all cost.
The thing is, is that its a made up holiday, so for your wife and her family to put so much stock in it is a bit ridiculous to begin with but I realize thats the norm. But just because a family has traditions and thats what your wife's family has done, does not mean thats what YOUR family has to do. Your family being your wife, your kids, and you. A simple thing you could tell your wife is that, it feels like especially during the holidays and because of her family's traditions that it feels like you, your kids, and her aren't living as your own family but as a pawn to her family, and thats not fair to you or your kids.
Hope this helps.
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u/Oh_Wiseone 1d ago
Is this a Christmas problem or symptom of a bigger problem ? Think when your wishes were accommodated, when she wanted something else. Does it always goes her way or is it more 50/50. Now you need to think about your role in this. Are you always accommodating because you are tired of fighting her ? Once you have a clear idea of where the issue is - you need to sit down and talk to her. Don’t make it about Christmas- as that is so emotional. Instead focus on why things are always going her way. Ask her point blank why your desires are never accommodated. Really listen to her explanation. It may give you insights into her thinking. Let her know how serious this problem is and suggest marriage counseling. As you are clearly unhappy and you need her to understand how much you resent her disregard of your wants. Make her feel your pain. Good luck.
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 1d ago
For a relationship to work there has to be compromise. It can’t be only one person compromising otherwose eventually there will be resentment.
It is perfectly reasonable for you to want to spend Christmas with your grandmother. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation. I don’t know how you haven’t done this before now. You two have your own family and should be starting traditions of your own.
If she refuses a compromise then you might want to conserve couples therapy. You have suffered a lot of loss and only having your grandmother is tough. You deserve to have a say in how you all spend the holidays.
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u/WildlifePolicyChick 1d ago
I see no compromise happening for the past 11 years. It's been all what she wants and nothing of what you want. That's not compromising, that's capitulating.
You really need to put your foot down and have a conversation. Split up the time, some at home some at in-laws. When are your kids going to have ANY Christmases with your side of the family? Shouldn't that be as important as her family?
There are so many ways to compromise here (and couples have been managing it for eons) you just need your wife to be less selfish.
Meanwhile go see your grandmother, sheesh.
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u/TheMoatCalin 1d ago
My husband and I take turns so Thanksgiving is spent with mine and Christmas with his then the next year it’s opposite. We also do Christmas Eve night and day at home. It’s insane she kept packing all of you up once you had kids. My parents actually suggested we stay home after the kids were old enough to understand what was happening.
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u/darbbbb 1d ago edited 1d ago
I can 100% relate. I had an identical experience growing up.
My dad’s parents required everyone (my family, my dad’s sister’s family, etc.) drive up to their house on Christmas morning. I had less than five Christmas mornings at my own home with my immediate family, because growing up we were always making the six-hour drive to my grandparents’ house. For me and my siblings, Santa came on Christmas Eve after church, because we didn’t have time to open presents the next morning. Also, I never got to spend a Christmas with my mom’s side. My mom was heartbroken because me and my siblings eventually associated the holidays with my grandparents and their traditions, instead of traditions with my own parents.
While you say your goal is to stay home with your wife and kids this year, your backup plan of ditching them to visit a relative while they go to her parents’ could send the wrong message. Your wife could see that as you not wanting to spend Christmas with her family, which she could take badly since this seems to be a very important holiday for her. Make sure she knows you like celebrating with her family, but you deserve the opportunity to stay home and create your own traditions with your children.
I would squash this as soon as possible. Your suggested compromise of staying at home (just the four of you) isn’t really a compromise, since your wife wouldn’t be getting any of her “wants.” Your compromise only benefits you and what you want. The compromise needs to give both of you some of your “wants.” Meet somewhere in the middle, like your wife’s parents coming to your house this year. That way, she’s still celebrating with her family, but you’re staying at home starting your own traditions.
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u/Diligent-Escape1364 1d ago
Unfortunately, your partner would have to be open to compromise and, based on what you wrote here, that doesn't seem to be the case. If you've communicated with her what you wrote here, I can't see any reason for her to refuse.
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u/CrustySailor1964 1d ago
I did this too. My stepdaughters know that Thanksgiving is their mom’s favorite holiday and that Mom expects them to be ‘home’ for the whole rigamarole. They accepted their dad’s invitation to dine with him that day and my wife just declared the next day her makeup day. Since it’s me that does the work I was fucking delighted that we were off the hook. Wrong…
I was so goddamned pissed at them all
that I picked up my phone and booked my fucking flights to and from and rented the car. I spent the holiday with my mom.
You need to make your point. Best way is doing it.
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u/ZestyZucchini688 1d ago
Have you considered the possibility of inviting your grandma over to your in-laws for Christmas? Do they get along, and if so, that might be another approach to your situation. If the holiday means so much to your wife’s family because it creates a close family bond, would they be open to extending that bond to your relatives? That way, you can all spend Christmas together and create a new tradition that lets you see your grandma and spend time with your wife and kids too.
I think it’s still important to talk to your wife about how you two communicate and how it makes you feel, but there is no reason to create more conflict when a more agreeable solution possibly exists.
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u/Charbarzz 22h ago
One idea to ease the tension, is to compromise by spending half the time with her family and the other half with your grandma. I think it’s incredible you’re 39 and still have a grandparent; that alone is rare and absolutely worth the effort to spend time with her with your wife and children.
My husband and I take turns like this each Christmas with our families. Each year we rotate who we spend Christmas morning with. It’s the only way to do it without having hurt feelings from either us or our families.
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u/Therowan26 19h ago
Wow your wife is selfish and doesn't care about you really. If you want change you're gonna have to fight for it. You've not compromised at all you've surrendered.
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u/janewithaplane 15h ago
Take the kids with you to see your grandma. Your wife can go to her family still and enjoy Christmas like her childhood for real.
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u/realmacchiatos 14h ago
My husband's family is very similar and adamant about us spending Christmas with them every year or they make it a big deal. My SIL in particular is very controlling. We were able to work out an agreement where we spend Christmas eve with his family and Christmas day with mine since both families live in the same town. It's honestly been exhausting navigating this since Christmas in my family was pretty low key and we live 4 hours away, and I would definitely put my foot down more if we had children and ask for more Christmas's on our own. His parents are elderly (they are pretty reasonable and I'm close with them) and I have been pretty lenient since my husband wants to cherish the time he has left with them, but we have decided that once they pass we will no longer be visiting family every year for Christmas unless we actually want to. It's helpful that we communicate and are on the same page. But it definitely sounds like your wife isn't willing to compromise, and it's just going to lead to more resentment if she can't hear you out. Other comments on this thread had good advice for ways to communicate to your wife. I think a lot of people have childlike attachments to Christmas that they cannot let go of even at the detriment of others
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u/Worried-Rule449 12h ago
I've been with my partner for 12 years now. He has kids with two different moms (neither are biologically mine but they're 'mine' too at this point) there have been years where I don't see my family because the kids are my #1 priority. There have been years where after the kids open gifts I go see my family alone. Only one year we were able to bring one of the kids to my family's celebration because it worked out. But never ever has he said I HAD to do one or the other. He always lets me plan and if it works out that we can go, we go, if I can't go I can't go. It's about communicating and knowing that the other person wants to see their family for important holidays as well.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 1d ago
Your wife is a gargantuan selfish AH. Because of her you missed out on Christmases with your Dad and Grandpa and she still doesn't care. Go see your Grandma. You don't know how many Christmases she has left.
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u/Ulyks 18h ago
Why wait for Christmas to visit your grandmother? Just visit her soon with your wife and children?
Also what's so miserable about talking with your inlaws? Are they horrible people? It's just chilling at their place.
If you hate smalltalk then take up some chores, do the dishes, clear the snow, maybe repair some things for them?
If there is nothing left to do, organize an activity with the kids, read a book.
Is it really that hard?
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u/star_b_nettor 1d ago
Show her this post. She is being extremely selfish and self centered. Your children deserve to have holidays with both sides of their family and to have holidays where it's just the immediate nuclear family.
What's she going to think is the kids grow up and behave exactly the way she behaved and she never sees her sons again on Christmas because they always go to the spousal family? She's showing them exactly how to treat her in the future.
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u/MrsValentine 17h ago edited 17h ago
I’m struggling to put my thoughts into words reading this post.
How it comes across to me is that don’t want to visit your in-laws at Christmas but you also don’t really have a set idea of what you would like to do instead. Is that because much of your extended family has either passed away or lives abroad?
I know you said visiting your grandma but is this realistic? Have you spoken to your grandma about Christmas and do you know that she hasn’t already made plans to go elsewhere? Can your grandma realistically accommodate four guests including young kids? Like, is it her husband who has passed away? She must be at minimum about 80 years old, is she healthy and capable of catering for you all? Is her house child friendly?
Just to be clear I have absolute sympathy for you that you don’t really like going to your in-laws and you’re kind of pissed that you never get a say. Your vote should mean as much as your wife’s. However, you are in a difficult position because it’s been 11 years of the same thing and this is now your family tradition. Your kids have literally never spent Christmas elsewhere, you’ve been doing this for longer than they’ve been alive. So if you’re going to make a stand then it needs to be a solid proposition, not something you haven’t thought through at all.
I also don’t think floating ideas that involve you not seeing your kids on Christmas Day helps your case in any way, shape or form. Honestly suggesting that makes you sound like a complete dick. You cannot be a 40 something man saying that spending time with your grandma on Christmas Day is more important than spending time with your two kids who are under the age of 10, it is absolutely not a good look and your entire argument is going to go down like a lead balloon with your wife is that thought ever passes your lips. Taking a stand with your wife should not include hurting your children.
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u/Questioning17 1d ago
I think you have a bigger issue. You said since your Father and Grandfather died so has your enjoyment of the Holidays.
See if you can get help for your depression and then tackle couples counseling to address these issues. Maybe your dread is mixed with mourning. That's a natural feeling, it takes time to resolve.
Try not to put your kids love of the holidays down. I'm guessing for the In-laws, wife, and kids this is still a magical/exciting time of year.
If only for kids, who are still young, think of a way to keep the holidays exciting/magical if you change their routine.
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u/filifijonka 19h ago edited 19h ago
Most people I know usually celebrate two Christmases: Christmas Eve first and then Christmas Day.
Make a trip out of it and go visit your Gran on the day before Christmas - since she’s getting on with the years, i stead of a dinner together (unless you want to take her out and celebrate at a restaurant spend the afternoon together/have lunch to celebrate)
The spending should be a completely different discussion altogether - if you both have separate incomes and keep a part to yourselves for personal spending and she purchases things with her separate spending money, then she’s free to di as she pleases - if all your finances are combined a financial family meeting is in order.
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u/Icy_Acadia_wuttt 1d ago
It's just a day, nbd. Go to your grandmother's and let the kids go with their mum. It's clearly very important for her and not worth taking that joy away from her. Go see your grandmother and call your kids on the day. Most people have a weird relationship to Christmas because most people have complex relationships with family, are divorced, have lost a family member etc. But it's not worth months of stress and fighting with spouse in the lead up to one day.
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u/FalseAd4246 1d ago
You can’t abandon your kids on Christmas man
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u/CatScratchEther 1d ago edited 1d ago
As someone whose father actually died on Christmas, I couldnt agree more. Life is short OP, dont miss Christmas with your kids. I do suggest marriage therapy tho you need a pro to navigate finding a compromise. In my family we do xmas eve with his family, xmas morning with just us at home, and xmas evening with my folks. Yes we have 3 fkn Christmases its silly and hectic and we make the most fun out of it. There has to be some type of compromise that wont hurt the kids, even if its xmas with her family and a second christmas or even new yrs with your grandma.
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u/WillStaySilent 1d ago
So he should keep doing the same shit and continue to build up resentment until it manifests in some way? Probably an affair or straight up divorce?
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u/Fun_Performance711 1d ago
Go see grandma on Thanksgiving.
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u/beaglerules 22h ago
They might be from the US so that would be a no-go. Second how about seeing her family on Christmas? Being married is about give and take. She is not giving in this situation at all. It has to be her way each and every year.
I hate being this person, but if the genders were switched, everyone would be telling the wife that her husband needs to have one Christmas with her family.
People always talk about the mental workload in a relationship being on the woman. I know it is anecdotal but the man came up with a plan and it is shot down. The wife better never wonder why the OP never comes up with plans with her not going along with his plans for this Christmas.
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u/Fun_Performance711 13h ago
Yeah, she will be the first to say "I want him to make plans for my birthday or plan our vacation". You don't have to wonder why not.
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u/Fit_General7058 1d ago
Find your spine and tell her you and the kids are going to your gmothers this year, and your mother is coming to your house for the foreseeable years after that. Yes Christmas at home. Tell her she's selfish, and you are of sick of it, and won't be putting up with it anymore. You've sat around miserable and bored at her family's place for 11 years. No more.
Shes so selfish, trying to be nice about it won't get you anywhere, talking about your feelings and needs, we'll she hasn't given a fuck for the last 11 years, she won't start now.
Maybe your mum can join you at your gmas?
Whatever, make sure you go prepared to provide and cook a Christmas dinner, and have snacks and treats for the kids, and maybe some fun games you and the kuds could play, like twister, jenga.
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u/holisarcasm 1d ago
Wow. Almost moves in with her parents for a week. She doesn’t know who her actual family is, you and the kids. Tell her 11 years of what she wants means you get what you want this year, you are taking the boys to spend with your grandmother who may not be around forever and they deserve to know her. She can stay or she can go. Expect this to completely blow up if you go this route.
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u/catinkatu 18h ago
Honestly, it's been 11 years.
What did you do for Thanksgiving? Are there holidays that you always spent with your family that weren't Christmas? Did you get to see your family more often than she does as a whole?
Also - is this about your individual time with your family, or about your kids?
Your kids are 7 and 3 - they come first. You've allowed this for their entire lives and your entire relationship- and I think you need to take ownership of that, because you've created a tradition in their lives that you are now unhappy with.
You should really try couples therapy - but if you want to do something, you should also make the plans, figure out the logistics and assume you are going to be the one to make it happen. Visit your grandmother this year, own that decision and plan out the time you want to spend with your kids during their break to balance that.
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u/Snoo-44340 13h ago
We went through this in our marriage. My father died young, early sixties a few weeks before Christmas and my 3 siblings and I didn’t want our mom to be alone on Christmas and she still wanted to have the family Christmas in her home. She wasn’t agreeable to joining our Christmases and the years went by with all of us trooping to moms in all kinds of weather carting food, gifts, packnplays and boxes . When a couple of us firmly but gently said we wanted to make our own traditions in our own homes and stay home for Christmas it was our children who put up a fuss. This arrangement was their tradition, and they did NOT want to change. They couldn’t imagine not going to Grandmas for Christmas. We hadn’t even thought about their feelings. Your boys might be past the point of making changes, but I would see how they feel about Christmas traditions. Also, how well do you get on with your in-laws? Would they be helpful in a gentle push out of the Christmas nest? As much as they want family together, maybe they would see your side and be an ally in the spirit of supporting your marriage.
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u/HellyOHaint 1d ago
You haven’t told her at all, at any point, any of the things you’re telling us? For 11 years?!
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u/SleepIsCrucial 19h ago
Would it be possible to invite your grandmother to your wife's family party? Ever since my in-laws came to live with us, we bring them to celebrations at my cousin's or my parent's house. The more, the merrier!
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u/5289fawcett 1d ago
Why are so many responses expressing anger with this wife? Sounds like you’re a thoughtful, intelligent man. However you’ve spent every Xmas doing something you have a different option about entirely. So do it your way then. You don’t need to tell the story about your growing resentment. Just change how you do Christmas then and don’t put the blame on her.
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u/hyperfixmum 1d ago
"I want a simple Christmas that reflects my values. I'll be staying home with the kids this year. I want to build my own family traditions in my own home. I've tried making this desire and need known, but you haven't been receptive. I want a Christmas that's cozy and not performative. That doesn't feel so consumeristic but still joyful. I'll own the meal planning and all the stockings. I'd like to sit together to think of traditions like making gingerbread houses together, decorating the tree, and deciding the kids gifts together. I'm open to guests visiting the day after Christmas but for New Years I'm going to take the boys to celebrate with my Grandmother if you aren't interested in that trip."
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 1d ago edited 1d ago
He can't just unilaterally decide that either, it will lead to a horrible atmosphere for the children, without even the distraction of other family. Edit: and she may decide to go anyway, he can't exactly lock her in the house.
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u/IndicationKey3778 1d ago
Just decline. Stay home. I don’t do holidays with my boyfriend and decline invites I don’t want
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u/etchedchampion 1d ago
That's fine if you're not married and don't have kids but when you're married and have kids you have take them into consideration when you make decisions.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 1d ago
She doesn't take them into consideration. They never got to spend Christmas with their Grandpa and Great Grandpa because she think only her family is important.
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u/etchedchampion 1d ago
Yeah, that's not okay either. But that doesn't make it okay for OP not to consider his children. At least one of their parents needs to.
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u/oregon_mom 1d ago
A Compromise is when 2 people are both willing to give up a little bit so they can meet in the middle.
She is strong arming you into doing it her way only. Take your boys to your grandma for Christmas you will regret it if you don't.
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u/E_lluminate 1d ago
Oh man, minus the dad/grandpa (sorry for your loss) I could have written this post. Haven't seen my side of the family on Christmas in 12 years.
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u/nznightowl 1d ago
It’s pretty common where I’m from to alternate Christmas with extended family - ie one year her family, one year his family. And then see the other family either before / after Christmas. Take turns! Or combine families. You also have Thanksgiving you could switch out alternate years with if you’re American.
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u/Katzrule123 1d ago
Would it be possible for the four of you to spend Christmas morning together and then head separate ways (you to your grandmother's house and your wife to her family's house) afterwards? How far away does your wife's family live?
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u/Acceptable_One6441 1d ago
Would you be able to do both maybe see her family on Christmas Eve and your grandmother on Christmas Day or the following few days after still into the holidays?
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u/RewardKristy 1d ago
She needs to budge a little. We rotate every year who hosts Christmas for this reason. Every other year I get to have it at my house. It ends up splitting the cost and everyone feels represented. You need to tell her pretty much everything you said on here but in a quiet and non judgmental way. Good luck.
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u/Little_Bucks 1d ago
This was my husband and I for summer vacations. For a lot of years, I insisted that we spent our summer vacation at my family camp. Mostly with my family. My husband did not agree. I was refusing to see things from his point of view because it was what I really wanted. Once I truly listened, I saw that I was being selfish. We now spend summer vacation there every other year. We also do a winter vacation at my parents in Florida every other year. I don’t love it, but not compromising nearly broke us. I only share the story to give you hope that maybe, if you make yourself and your feelings be seen, that she will begin to understand that it is hurting you, your marriage and ultimately your family. Best of luck and cheers to you for trying to communicate better.
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u/TelevisionMelodic340 1d ago
Have you tried talking to her about it, laying out what you have said here?
Maybe she'd be willing to come with you to your grandmother's, and spend some time later in the week with her family. Or maybe she goes to her parents and you and the kids go to your grandmother's for Christmas, and you all meet up later in the week. Or you spend Christmas day at home (just you two and the kids), then a couple of days with your grandmother and a couple of days with her family. Or some variation other than "spend it all with her family".
If she's not willing to compromise even a little,l even when she understands why it's important for you to spend it with one of your last remaining relatives (and why it would be good for your kids to know their great grandmother), then i think your relationship may have bigger issues than just where to spend Christmas.
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u/Wdc318 1d ago
There is some really good advice in this post. Communication is important if any relationship. That being said, your partner is very selfish. Please don’t let happen to you what happened to me. I didn’t have a Christmas Day with my family in 20 years. Both of my parents are gone now, can’t get back what is lost.
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u/Obvious_Fox_1886 1d ago
I used to alternate holidays...thanksgiving one year then christmas the next year....you can add in Easter or any other holiday or just because days to go visit family. Your kids are also missing out on knowing your side of the family too. Some people do 2 christmas get togethers at different times or an after christmas get together....
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u/Comfortable_Roll2096 1d ago
Our compromise became hosting and joining families at our house so no one had to choose or wait to open presents, breakfast, etc. Thankfully it’s worked well and everyone gets along and they have become family themselves.
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u/Perish22 1d ago
I love Christmas. As a child it seemed like the only time everyone, aunts and uncles, were together was at Christmas. It was the only time I remember my Father playing games with Us.
Over the years because of our kid’s various work schedules and other family commitments, we have adjusted Christmas Day. We’ve started “Christmas Day” at midnight on Dec 23, the morning of Dec 24 and even on Dec 26. We’ve done that with Thanksgiving as well. Because of family commitments, we usually do Thanksgiving the weekend before or after.
My husband and I moved to another state 4-years ago. We now do Thanksgiving and Christmas over the same week. We do Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Day, on Friday we decorate the tree, and on Saturday we do Christmas. Do you have any idea how nice it is to do Christmas NOT on Christmas? We have all enjoyed it so much, and the pressure is not there.
What I’m trying to say is Christmas can be on any day. Why don’t you and your wife have Christmas the weekend before. Then she can go to her parents and you can go to G-ma’s house. It’s a win-win. If your wife can’t compromise then you have some bigger problems.
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u/BrownTinaBelcher 1d ago
Just to give you an additional thing to think about. This is worth fighting for not just for you but for your children too. Or you’ll end up like my brother whose wife decided that each holiday is with her family, the church they go to is of her choosing, the area they live in is by her family and she does this at the cost of my brother’s happiness and the children’s happiness. My brother didn’t prioritize his own family initially because of “compromising” but in actuality nothing since the wedding was a compromise. It was her decision or nothing and she would cry, play victim, beg, get angry, and do every manipulative thing to get her way including sabotage (like when he came alone for the holidays and she called him relentless and complained about him being away and cried that it was awful and she missed him and guilted him about what he needed to be doing at her parents house so he couldn’t even enjoy himself). Even his good friends got sick of her and abandoned the friendships. He’s stuck in a shitty job because of the area (he’s the provider so he can’t quit). His kids hate the area since they moved there for her family but she’s happy and that’s all that matters. It’s his own fault for not standing up sooner but sadly just like you he thought he was being a good husband and compromising and she would come around. But the coming around never happened and now she just says no and makes the final decision or if she gives a little, she makes sure he regrets it.
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u/Sabryne123 1d ago
This doesn't really answer your question about how to communicate with your wife and dances around the issue but... it's a 3 hour drive, is it possible to go get granny the night before/morning of Christmas eve, then you all celebrate Christmas eve and day together, then drop granny back off at home the day after Christmas? Do your in-laws and grandmother hate each other? Is granny medically fragile? What's the deal? Combine families for Christmas, the more the merrier.
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u/TurbulentAerie3785 1d ago
Christmas eve is important to my mom. Christmas day is important to both parents. Day after Christmas is my dad's birthday. For years, my brother couldn't drive. Parents live an hour apart from each other and they've been divorced since I was 9. Guess what that situation looked like for me, for YEARS. I have my own partner at this point who I'd love to spend time with. Finally I just had to say sorry but being the shuttle back and forth is more stressful for me than anything. I do Christmas eve with my partner. Xmas with my mom. Day after with my dad. That's already more than enough. If they could be adults we could just do a shared Xmas at my house in the middle but NooOooOoo. Anyway...I feel you OP, this sucks. I at least insist on Thanksgiving at my house. And if my partner's out of state family is doing something, I go there... my side gets every other year so they can deal...
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u/flash_match 1d ago edited 1d ago
Aaaannnndddd this is how you get people to hate Christmas. Make the entire day about their wishes and comfort without taking any of other peoples’ needs to account.
I was basically done by age 16 given all the expectations placed on me by my divorced parents and my maternal grandmother. Christmas Day was never about us kids. We were always pawns in other people’s psycho drama.
I wish your partner could see she’s doing the same thing to you. Christmas isn’t just about her or her parents. If she can’t wrap her head around this you may have to have a big come to Jesus moment where you say “have fun without me!”
Others have suggested this is cruel to the kids. I don’t buy it. Depending on the age of your kids, they can understand the situation given your grandmother’s age. Christmas Day can be awesome celebrated on a different day as well. No need to make your kids also think that Christmas only needs to be spent one way.
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u/RadicalRoses 1d ago
Please go visit your family. Tell her she has an open invite, but be aware she will probably ruin it for you out of spite. People like her enjoy doing hurtful things like this. She’s controlling. I’d tell her I’m going and make the plans. Follow through no matter how hellish she acts beforehand, which people like her like to do too, because you’re not letting her control you. If she’s this disrespectful of your feelings don’t feel bad respecting your own before hers.
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u/OtherwiseAd1045 22h ago
Take your kids to your grandmother's. Maybe not having her own children with her with make her realise she has HER OWN family now and needs to grow TF up.
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u/Seguefare 22h ago
Celebrate Christmas early with your boys, and go spend Christmas with your family.
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u/Whatchamacallit72 9h ago
I love to cook but even I know that if someone is paying for me to go on a trip and they want to eat out then, you go eat out!
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u/Fancy_Parfait_9030 7h ago
Totally understand not buying all of the Christmas hype, not loving the current expectations and feeling like you have no say, and grieving your own losses. All of this is 100% valid.
However, the phrasing that spending time with your grandma would be “actually meaningful” makes it seem like you get absolutely nothing meaningful out of spending it with your wife, kids, and in laws… and if that’s the case, that also feels like a deeper issue.
I don’t think extreme unilateral decisions or ultimatums here will go over well or should be the first course of action. Now, if your wife is flat out rejecting you with no further communication, then that’s not fair…I’d push again for a serious conversation, but understand that asking her to accept an entire 180 when it’s this big of a deal for her and her family will likely cause a lot of confusion, tension, argument and defensiveness. That’s not to say she’s not being selfish; she absolutely is, but with this it just depends how much you want to be heard/peaceful versus how much you want to escalate this, as it is now a tradition that’s not changed in a decade.
You have to ease into the conversation gently, but don’t be afraid to stand your ground and back your feelings and points. You do not have to give in, but you also don’t have to be an immovable object on the topic unless you really want to be. Demand a real compromise. Try to work through this together. Only escalate to ultimatums if you must, otherwise your relationship will be damaged and it seems like you are genuinely trying to avoid that.
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u/Academic_Agency_2606 4h ago
I faced the same problem. We arrived in their 15 story condo after a four hour trip and their floor was covered with gifts for my one year old. She was fussy and tiredn and the stay was just an over stressed nightmare.
I discussed this with my husband and we decided that we would no longer be traveling anywhere at Christmas time. Best decision we ever made.
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u/maryhoopsitup 2h ago
Is there a way to get everyone over to your house for Christmas, including your grandmother? If so, tell your wife that it’s your turn to have the Christmas you want. Make it different from the previous 11, presents just for the littles if anyone, adults do a fun game (our family does gift wrap relay or rubber duck derby (fishing rubber ducks out of the swimming pool with kitchen utensils). There are small prizes (think $5-$10 candy, gift cards, household items) that correspond with the ducks. It costs little as every family contributes, but it’s hilarious. We spend the afternoon eating food that we all brought and just hanging out. It’s super low key and usually done in pajamas or shorts. We don’t even dress up.
My point is that you deserve a Christmas the way you would like for once. But your wife can still decorate and cook, plan fun things for the kids, but have Christmas Day be at your house.
If your grandma can’t travel, then all of you should go as a family to see her -3 hours, drive up in the morning, have brunch, leave at 2 and you can have dinner festivities with wife’s family. It will be tiring, but you could fit all the “wants” in the day. Not nearly as fun as staying home but could be an option?
I agree it’s time for new traditions. When our family stopped buying gifts for each other, our holiday got immensely more enjoyable.
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u/ScottOwenJones 3m ago
I’ll never understand grown adults who continue to act like children into their late 20s, 30s, and beyond, and who marry but refuse to create their own families. She isn’t a little girl who needs to spend every Christmas morning with her mommy and daddy in the house she grew up in. She can spend one Christmas with your grandmother while she’s still here and let your kids experience something different
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u/IsTaek 22h ago
What would your kids prefer? To me Christmas is mostly about the kids. Obviously people without kids do whatever they want. But in your case you should be focusing on your kids. The magic of Christmas is limited in number of years for them. Everyone seems to be focusing on what you or your partner want. Also making Christmas about someone else might help with the loss you feel as you are not focusing on yourself.
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u/passwordistako 13h ago
Point out that Christmas isn’t the same for everyone.
Christmas is one of the biggest days for suicide.
She already enjoys Christmas.
You don’t.
She needs to make some minor concessions and take her enjoyment from a 10 to a 6 so you can go from a 0 to a 4.
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u/zlinuxguy 1d ago
One word. Divorce. I spent 16 years married to the exact same attitude. My children (to this day) don’t recall my parents because they only ever met them once. The resentment & bitterness will build until you reach a breaking point. To this day, I don’t enjoy the holidays because of it.
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u/RollingKatamari 22h ago
Is it possible for your grandmother to move closer to you? Your wife has zero idea what it's like to have almost no family anymore, she will someday, hopefully not for a long time.
She has every right to enjoy Christmas with her family and your kids, but she's just closing her eyes and ears to what you're trying to say. Everything you say, means she will miss a Christmas with her parents.
But why wait until Christmas to visit your grandmother? Why not visit her earlier with the entire family so you can have an early Christmas lunch or dinner?
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u/NoFlight5759 16h ago
Just go by yourself. You can’t complain about something you let go on for 11 years and then pin it all on your partner. Your in the relationship to. Just go tell your kids you’re going if they want to go with you have them go if they don’t then they go with their mom.
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u/Academic_Bowl_4643 16h ago
First consider, is this really worth it? Your wife obviously absolutely loves this time of year. Can you let this one go? What does the rest of the year look like? And are there other situations like this or is this the only one?
For the record I think you should be on a rotation and what would be special would be to do your own thing. Especially when you can spread things over Christmas eve, day and boxing day.
You could definitely go to your grandma's house.
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u/cocoandbeau101 18h ago
Going against the grain here. You sound like a miserable person to be around for this holiday, you even mention never really enjoying it and increasingly resenting it. Your wife is probably trying her hardest to have her kids around people who are actually having Christmas spirit. You say it’s important to both of you but you don’t really project that in your post at all. If i was her I would need some assurances that skipping my fun family tradition was actually going to be a positive experience for my kids. Tell her what you plan on doing with your part of the holiday and what traditions YOU have put the effort into thinking of doing. Going to a single grandparent house is great for a day trip or two days but honestly sounds like no fun for your kids for a large chunk of their break.
So far it sounds like shes been carrying the weight of all this for her family.
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u/Rare_Background8891 1d ago
If you’re seriously considering not spending Christmas with your children then just file for divorce. You can put that you each get every other holiday in the custody schedule. I can’t imagine spending Christmas away from my young kids. If you’re seriously that far gone then just pull the cord on this.
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u/LBashir 1d ago
Stay home don’t ruin her day 364 days a year with her is still plenty isn’t it? I’d give my life to spend one Christmas with my family again, but they’re all dead. I used to have a family like that . Besides that if you expect her to stay home with you and give up her family, you’re gonna be so miserable all day long. You’re gonna wish you was gone because she’s not going to let it go she will haunt you.
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u/Ok-havingfun 22h ago
Wow. There wouldn’t be much that could keep me away from my wife and kids at Christmas. Nothing that I could actually think of. Focus on the fun and wonderful family you have. Go see grandma before or after Christmas. Make it special for your kids instead of indulging yourself and feeling sorry for yourself. Your poor kids.
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u/eyyyyyAmy467 18h ago
You have 2 little kids, as a mother I'd prioritize plans together with their cousins or favorite people for Christmas vs a visit to a relative they probably barely know. That said, you should be able to work out some sort of compromise. Can your relative join you at your in-laws? Can you visit for a day or two, then rejoin your family?
Your wants matter of course, but I think it's selfish to want your spouse and children to miss all the fun they've probably been looking forward to all year for a visit that can happen any time. I think going all together a different time (new years maybe?) Would be the best bet.
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u/SleeperCell65 15h ago
Unexpressed expectations are premeditated resentments.
When you accompanied her to see her family at Christmas you weren't banking favours, she doesn't owe you. You're not forced, you chose to go.
The problem isn't that you don't have the right balance of plusses and minuses to come up equal in your relationship. It's that you believe that's fundamentally what the relationship is.
A proper relationship is where you do what you can to make the others life better at your expense. They do the same.
She's likely taking into account all her family and her children and her who all want it there.
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