Strong connection with someone who has another loving partner. How do I distinguish jealousy from incompatibility?

I'm 34m, seeing 43f. We matched on an app and have been on about 5-6 dates. She has an existing partner she loves, and I knew that from the start.

The chemistry has been great and we both want a relationship. I was clear early on that I wanted a primary partner and to build a life together: travel, hobbies, growing together, not just a sexual connection. She doesn't want primary/secondary labels. She's poly and has another loving relationship now. I don't think she will want exclusivity with me and it's wrong on my part too since I knew what I was signing up for initially.

She's expressed a lot of emotional investment, imagined me being part of her everyday life, and reassured me that I'm important to her. She's also shared that she experiences jealousy herself. So this isn't a situation where she seems indifferent and I'm the only one invested.

Where I'm struggling: hearing about her time with her other partner hit me much harder once we became emotionally close. I got restless, lost sleep and told her I wasn't sure I could handle this. Parts of that conversation left me feeling misunderstood, although she also acknowledged my feelings and gave substantial reassurance. We've agreed to pause talking for a bit and discuss things after an event we're both attending.

I've had monogamous relationships before. I think sexual openness could suit me, but I'm still unsure what I need around romantic or emotional exclusivity. I also realise wanting a primary partnership and wanting to be someone's only romantic partner are different things. I haven't worked out which matters most to me.

My first reaction was to step back. After calming down, I'm having second thoughts. I genuinely like her, but I also really want a relationship in my life, and I don't want fear of losing this connection to decide for me. Equally, I don't want one painful experience to decide everything either.

For people who've navigated this:

1. How did you distinguish jealousy you wanted to work through from a relationship structure you genuinely didn't want?
2. How did you work out whether you needed exclusivity, priority, reassurance, or some combination?
3. What practical expectations would you discuss before choosing to explore this further, especially when one person doesn't want primary/secondary labels?

I'm looking for help understanding my needs and having an honest conversation, rather than a vote on whether we should break up.

I'm 34m, seeing 43f. We matched on an app and have been on about 5-6 dates. She has an existing partner she loves, and I knew that from the start.

The chemistry has been great and we both want a relationship. I was clear early on that I wanted a primary partner and to build a life together: travel, hobbies, growing together, not just a sexual connection. She doesn't want primary/secondary labels. She's poly and has another loving relationship now. I don't think she will want exclusivity with me and it's wrong on my part too since I knew what I was signing up for initially.

She's expressed a lot of emotional investment, imagined me being part of her everyday life, and reassured me that I'm important to her. She's also shared that she experiences jealousy herself. So this isn't a situation where she seems indifferent and I'm the only one invested.

Where I'm struggling: hearing about her time with her other partner hit me much harder once we became emotionally close. I got restless, lost sleep and told her I wasn't sure I could handle this. Parts of that conversation left me feeling misunderstood, although she also acknowledged my feelings and gave substantial reassurance. We've agreed to pause talking for a bit and discuss things after an event we're both attending.

I've had monogamous relationships before. I think sexual openness could suit me, but I'm still unsure what I need around romantic or emotional exclusivity. I also realise wanting a primary partnership and wanting to be someone's only romantic partner are different things. I haven't worked out which matters most to me.

My first reaction was to step back. After calming down, I'm having second thoughts. I genuinely like her, but I also really want a relationship in my life, and I don't want fear of losing this connection to decide for me. Equally, I don't want one painful experience to decide everything either.

For people who've navigated this:

1. How did you distinguish jealousy you wanted to work through from a relationship structure you genuinely didn't want?
2. How did you work out whether you needed exclusivity, priority, reassurance, or some combination?
3. What practical expectations would you discuss before choosing to explore this further, especially when one person doesn't want primary/secondary labels?

I'm looking for help understanding my needs and having an honest conversation, rather than a vote on whether we should break up.

I'm 34m, who's recently matched with 43f on Feeld who was in a poly relationship with someone. I was clear initially that I was looking for a primary partner for a relationship and to also explore the kink lifestyle together. We went on 5-6 dates and the chemistry has been off the charts. We have hooked up multiple times and feel very very passionately for each other and want to have a relationship. She doesn't want to give a primary or secondary tag to her partners. I'm very clear in my head of the kind of relationship I want, I want to build a life with the other person which includes traveling, hobbies, getting better every day, etc. It's not centred around kink but kink is a part of it.

I get incredibly jealous when she mentions her other partner or sees his 3 times a week. I have tried to sit with the feeling and also read enough to conclude that I can't get the better of it currently. It makes me think that we are not compatible and I can't handle poly relationship as a mono person? I also feel it's incredibly time consuming to talk about it each and every time. If you take the second partner out of the equation, I would be fairly okay with things. It's his presence, the fact that I'm not the only one in her life that's eating me from inside.

Do you think I should step away from the relationship? Both of us love each other a lot ( or so I believe)

My friend mentioned finding one of my partner's online hookup accounts, which would not be a violation to our agreements, but then when I asked him about it he lied about it repeatedly before I showed him receipts. We had a big convo about it and he reassures me he didnt think it was my business since he hasn't actually been hooking up with people, which according to our agreements is what he would need to tell me.

I'm trying to accept him saying that he hasn't hooked up with anyone. The repeated lie part is gnawing at me tho.

Am I guileless? He's had a hookup account (on a very busy local platform) for months secretly and just no luck? And then just lied repeatedly for no reason? If he lied about having it is he lying about the hookups?

We talked about repairing trust but how? I don't know how he can reasonably show/tell me that he isn't lying and I'm perseverating. Weigh in, I'm at a loss.