r/newborns • u/Due-City-7883 • 1d ago
Vent I am drowning.
I have tried literally everything to put my 8 week old down at night and it just doesn’t happen. We ended up falling asleep together with him on my chest at night.. please no judgment I already feel bad enough. This has been going on for about a week now. I have not accepted it and continue trying to get him to be laid down. I don’t know why he went from being able to sleep at least 2-3 hours comfortably in his bassinet, to crying literally every time I lay him in it no matter what. I’m an EP mom who under produces so it’s really taking a toll on me the fact that I’m going to have to give up on giving him any of my breast milk at all now because I have been having to go 8-9 hour stretches without pumping. He won’t latch either anymore. He is a NICU baby, born 5 weeks early so I’m aware he’s going to be like a newborn for a little while longer than most babies but I’m just so defeated at this point. I feel like the worst mom ever.
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u/nikki42493 1d ago
You are not the worst mom ever. Let's get clear on that. I was also EP until my little guy got sick and developed a crazy allergy that made it impossible to keep him safe through my breast milk. As hard as it is, you might have to let him cry so you can pump. Or, have someone come hold him while you do. That's the only way I got through.
Entering the world is scary. He may just be in a season of needing to be held. He could also be uncomfortable. I discovered that mine was simply cold and that's why he wasn't sleeping. So run through the checklist: is he fed, dry, warm (but not too warm), or laying on something funny? Does he have a hair tightly wrapped somewhere? Does he have a rash? Gas? Does something smell funny or is too loud/quiet?
If you've gone through the checklist, try putting something you've worn with him. He could be wanting to cluster feeding too at that age. Or, he may just want to be held.
It doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you a mom.
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u/Lakuakua_2026 1d ago
I second this! Mine was cold too. Checklist are super helpful. Mine for when my baby is crying is:
diaper
feed and BURP *burping is important!
put me down! I want a alone time and look around the world!
I want to go outside, show me the world!
I am understimulated/overstimulated -- Change setting!
I am tired, please help me fall asleep (in a warm cozy place)
It has worked very well so far!
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u/Swimming_Airline3881 1d ago
Number 3 is definitely a common occurrence in our house, even during the newborn days. My LO is almost 7mo but has always needed time to herself. She's just not very cuddly and is the opposite of a "Velcro baby" that wants to be held all the time. Sometimes when I'm holding her and she's upset, all it takes is plopping her down to fix it. Girl just needs her space!
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u/nikki42493 1d ago
Oh definitely! I need to add in your three through six! My last resort is always that he's overtired, but I never thought of the other three
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u/Due-City-7883 23h ago
It’s almost like I physically can not let him cry sometimes. If im not making his bottle or changing him I’m holding him or pumping. My wearables make it easier but sadly I don’t get near as much output as with the spectra. Our room is actually pretty cold! So I make sure he is layered enough, usually with a onesie or sleeper then a swaddle me. And gas is something he does struggle with, sadly. I stopped supplementing with formula and instead do donor milk and he’s doing a little better with his tummy. Thank you for your reply!
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u/nikki42493 22h ago
I hear you. It is very tough when you're pumping to hear them cry. It's tough to hear them cry regardless.
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u/Far-Bake5738 1d ago
Our baby was born 7 weeks early so it felt like we had a super long newborn phase. At around 8 weeks adjusted (not sure if you’re 8 weeks actual or 8 weeks adjusted) they finally started giving us stretches. Some nights better than others. We have a snoo and I’m not sure if it helps or not because it usually doesn’t even go to the soothe level and just stays on baseline all night. Are you 8 weeks actual or adjusted?
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u/Due-City-7883 23h ago
8 weeks actual, 3 adjusted. That’s 5 whole weeks away for us. 😭 but I wish I could afford the snoo I’d definitely have one by now.
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u/Far-Bake5738 21h ago
We rented it. We actually didn’t start using it until maybe 4 weeks adjusted cause she was just so small and she didn’t let us put her down anyway. Then we started to get like 2-3 hour stretches. The 5-6 hour stretches didn’t happen until later. We are 11 weeks adjusted now and still have bad days. It’s really hard the whole adjusted age because the phases just seem so much longer in the beginning. I could barely hold on at that time.
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u/cantsitwithus11 1d ago
I’ll be downvoted forever but hopefully you see this — we coslept since night 1 and I’ve never gotten less than 7 hours sleep nor my husband. We’re biologically designed to sleep together! Just do it safely. Baby is now 4 months and has moved to his crib where he sleeps through the night — anywhere from 9-4:30/9-6:30
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u/grayman24 19h ago
OMG I feel this in my soul, my heart goes out to you. My wife and I are barely ahead of where you are. Our boy was 9 weeks early and spent 7 weeks in the NICU. He would only contact nap or sleep the first 6 weeks we had him home. He’s now 8 weeks corrected and slowly sleeping for 2-3 hour stretches. My wife and I split our night up so we can each sleep for 6 hours while the other watches him. I have definitely fallen asleep with him in my arms and it scares me, but he wouldn’t sleep any other way and I was so exhausted I didn’t even realize I fell asleep. Keep trying to put him in the bassinet, at some point it will start working and then eventually lead to longer sleep stretches. The 3 hour feeding windows are rough and it’s even more brutal when they are cluster feeding.
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u/Adrianagurl 1d ago
Hey I had a similar situation. My baby was born 5 week early too, currently 15 weeks now. He was a NICU baby as well. I remember at 8 weeks he was the same as yours, I know how hard it is.
Mostly just time helped, as he’s sleeping 6 hour stretches for me, sometimes 7.
What I am doing now, where I wasn’t really doing as strictly as before is I’m making sure he is being fed during the day every 2 hours not 3, I don’t let him nap more than 2 hours, lots of play time during the day, and a bath at night really helps, and then I do a dream feed before bed.
Hang in there. I know it’s difficult. I hope you start to get longer stretches soon.
Also want to add you are not a bad mom. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You’re doing the best you can. Being a mom is hard! Give yourself some grace please! Baby is lucky to have you.
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u/Lakuakua_2026 1d ago
Second this too! Warm baths help, and also more frequent feeding helps. I know it is more difficult when it is not EBF, but keep offering the breast while doing breast compression whenever he is calm and hungry. You can look into that. This is what helped me going from EP to EBF.
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u/OkGuidance2711 1d ago
Before he starts crying, try and listen to the initial sounds he makes. You're still within the newborn phase where you can decode baby's needs based on the specific sound baby is making. It really works - I promise it's not some made up stuff - Google Dunstan baby language. I have 3 kids and this helped me with all 3.
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u/whatsagirltodo123 1d ago
Our first was 5 weeks premature as well, and he was ok with anything for the first 6ish weeks of his life because he was just too sleepy/unaware to have opinions on anything. He also “woke up” around 6-8 weeks. That is likely what you’re experiencing now. You are not doing anything wrong. Baby is just more aware of the world now, so he has opinions.
My second was alert and opinionated from day one. Refused the bassinet immediately. I opted for safe chest sleeping because I wasn’t going to drive myself insane. We both slept quite well that way until he slowly began accepting the bassinet around 7 weeks. We just kept trying for the first stretch of the night. At first he’d only give us 40 minutes then it slowly expanded to an hour then two then so on and so forth and by 11 weeks, he was doing his whole night in his crib.
Look into safe chest sleeping if you are comfortable and not too deep of a sleeper or do shifts with a partner if you’re not. Otherwise, just keep practicing. It won’t last forever and baby will learn.
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u/RutabagaPhysical9238 1d ago
Does he have any signs of reflux?
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u/Due-City-7883 23h ago
He does spit up and gag from time to time, I will bring this up to his pedi when we go for his 2 month checkup. Ty! I didn’t realize this may be it. I usually keep him upright for 30 mins after a feed to avoid this problem.
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u/greenfairee 1d ago
Yes! Mine stopped sleeping in his bassinet because of reflux. One week into the medicine and we are can to a routine with him in his bassinet during the night. Daytime naps are still contact but we are getting there!
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u/catsonlaptops 1d ago
Yes! Mine suddenly could not be put down at night. Turns out it was silent reflux.
Premature babies are much more likely to experience reflux. You should talk with your pediatrician
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u/Lakuakua_2026 1d ago
Hey! you are not the worst mom! You are the best mom for your baby! You have been pumping for your baby, which is so hard! So so hard!
In your position, I would:
- look into safe co-sleep 7 and set up every nursing station for safe co-sleep
- always remember that you can always go back to breastfeeding. It took almost 4 months for my baby to latch! But in the end, she did, on a mountain walk, trying to feed her formula, she just latched! So you can do it, your baby can do it, even if it will be in 1, 2, or 3 months.
- ask for help if you have.
- the bassinet is 'cold' and you are warm, you are the mom, of course he falls alseep on you :)
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u/busydizzy44 1d ago
This happened with my baby too, around 2/3 weeks she stopped wanting to sleep in her bassinet. My partner and I would take shifts all night holding her.
We got so sleep deprived that we ended up renting a Snoo and it changed our lives. If you’re able to do this, I would highly recommend. A 6 month rental is around like $650 with all of the fees but to be able to sleep, it’s worth it imo.
As soon as we got it she started sleeping longer stretches. She now pretty much does anywhere from 3-6 hour stretch, wakes up & gets a diaper change and bottle & immediately goes back down for another stretch of night sleep.
Hope it gets better for you & your little one!
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u/Brasspineapple 23h ago
Check out the bninfantsleep sub and the cosleeping sub for more helpful information. Hope you get some good rest soon!
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u/pynkheartz97 23h ago
Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve been having to lay my baby girl on my chest every night since we’ve come home from the hospital. She struggles with acid reflux, and it’s the only way she gets some mild relief.
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u/buffetite 23h ago
Our youngest was like this. He had silent reflux and since going on medicine, he slept on his back OK. Try Infacol as well as it might be colic.
And don't feel bad about bottle feeding. Sometimes things aren't ideal and as we'd want but your baby will be perfectly healthy on formula. Will probably sleep better and for longer too. And you can try colic or reflux formula instead of the regular one. We found that helped somewhat with our fussy second one.
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u/Rare-Peanut4305 23h ago
I gave up on the pumping 5 weeks in it was toooo much the constant stress of having enough milk and pumping on time was driving me nuts. I started combo feeding and ultimately switched to formula by week 7 because it was just too much and my workload got cut in more than half after buying a babybrezza and my baby gained more weight and is happier now so dont be scared or feel bad if you want to make the switch. My baby was a mess from 7-9 weeks in regard to getting him to sleep. I never swaddled him from birth but tried it then and it worked wonders so maybe try that if you already havent! Hang in there my baby is now 12 weeks and this phase lasted 2 weeks for me
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u/Rare-Peanut4305 23h ago
Also babies are really smart if you want your baby to be only fed from breast i would 100% try to get him on the boob again. Mine had a bad tounge tie so he didnt latch the first 3 weeks of his life but after i got so tired of pumping i had him on the boob and formula fed. It was way less work. If your baby doesnt latch i would check if he has a tounge tie or get a lactation consultant and make that switch! Its less work and less stress! I would keep breastfeeding but i choose to stop because of the lack of hormones were causing me to feel bad
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u/Rare-Peanut4305 23h ago
I even put mine on the boob just for comfort 2 days ago and he latched after not breastfeeding for 6 weeks. You can do it if you want 😁 other than that it does get better🙏🏻 i promise
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u/Seapaisleys 22h ago
I could have written this myself! I lasted 5 weeks EBF and my baby was just so ravenous I couldn’t keep up! I bought ready to feeds and I could actually see how much he was eating and having a full belly made a world of difference. My baby also had severe tongue ties so even though he was latching I didn’t know how much he was getting. I was also an under supplier and hating pumping. He was a whole different baby after switching to formula because I could ensure he had a full belly. I still breastfed whenever he was chilling on me but I was more like a snack and it made for nice bonding.
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u/ann-the-bean-can 20h ago
8 weeks is about when I started safe sleep 7 co-sleeping - I fell asleep with my baby on my chest on the couch and freaked out. I’m a very light sleeper, even more so since my LO was born, but it’s better to set up for safe sleep and not need it than it is to not set up for it and need it.
You’re not a bad mom, you just need sleep!
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u/hufflepuffsawthrume 20h ago
I don't have advice, but wanted to say I'm in the same trenches you are. My 8 week old started rolling to his sides, so we had to ditch the swaddles and for the past almost week he's getting 20-30 minute stretches, he only gets longer if we're contact napping. This is so hard, I'm right there with you!
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u/miikarose 17h ago
Please dont feel guilty about falling asleep with baby on you there is no judgement parenting is hard! My baby is just a month old and went through an awful stage at 2.5 weeks. I was a mom that said absolutely NO cosleeping...until I had my baby and hed only sleep if he slept near me so I did just that in the safest way possible. Also dont forget breastmilk goes through their little bodies very quickly so I started doing formula at night as his last bottle, and he would sleep for about 4 to 5 hours alone in his basinet. Then, when he woke up I would do the breast, he would sleep with me for about 3 to 4 hours until it was time to get up. Brass milk is amazing, but formula is okay Try not to be so hard on yourself Formula is made for a reason ❤️ you got this!!
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u/stormmc7 16h ago
My babe turns 8 weeks in two days and I hear you!! She hates baby wearing, her bassinet, her swing, honestly anywhere that isn’t my arms or contact napping on me. I’ve fallen asleep with her on my chest more times than I’d like to admit…
The only routine that works for us, so that I can get any sleep is:
Put her in her halo sleep sack (we would still swaddle but she loses her mind when her arms are restricted, but she likes the pressure of the swaddle so this sleep sack was a great middle ground). I heat the bassinet with a heating pad on the low setting and turn on white noise. Feed her and burp her, then let her fall asleep on my chest and I wait about 20 minutes until she’s in deep sleep. Once I get out of bed I’ll remove the heating bad and slowly transfer her down into the bassinet (feet/butt first! And be very cautious removing your hand from behind their head). This works about 80% of the time and I’ve managed to get about 4 hour sleep stretches from her this way, any other way and neither of us are sleeping!
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u/Fluffnugget-13 15h ago
Honestly I had the same problem. I caught myself falling asleep in unsafe situations so I finally just embraced it so I could sleep and he was safe. He doesn't need it anymore now. He's six months old and sleeps on his own in his crib.
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u/Calling-Jambalaya861 15h ago edited 15h ago
I highly recommend getting a Queen sized Korean foldable floor mattress.
- You can lay with your baby and its close to the ground so if they slide off its not a big deal.
- Its easier for you to get up and move over to your bed once they fall asleep.
We did this with my kid until she was 3 and it gave her more independence in the morning as she got a bit older to get out of bed and find us on her own.
Now she still uses the same mattress just on a regular bed frame.
- It folds up so you can get it out of the way when you arent using it.
- Its also good for guests if you want to switch it up in the future.
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u/imsooofuckingtired 14h ago
I completely resonate with you. I don’t mean to scare you, but my second screamed for 5 months straight. It made me feel like the most piece of shit mom for so long, I couldnt even help my baby, I felt like he didn’t even like me. The only time I slept was when he was on me. I swore I would never take the risk of co sleeping (I didn’t with my first) but I had no choice. Do whatever you need to do as safely as possible. GET AN OWELET SOCK.
He’s just turned a year and he’s so cute. I had a really hard time connecting with him in the beginning because he was such a difficult baby to care for (+ his sibling and my 4 foster kids). We finally don’t sleep together because we very slowly, VERY SLOWLY, weened him off. And eventually the sound of him whimpering didn’t make me want to jump out of bed instantly anymore. There will be a time when you will sleep again, there will be a time when the baby won’t be on you 24/7. Hang in there, you can do this.
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u/Alert-Willow3458 14h ago
Have you tried a nipple shield for the latching? I know they’re frowned upon by some, but I also had latching issues with baby so I tried them and they worked so well. I don’t want to write off breastmilk by saying to just do formula, so maybe try that.
Also, are you swaddling baby? If not, I’d try that. If so, try the love to dream swaddle, it work well when my son was a newborn.
Try putting a heating pad in baby’s bassinet and removing it right before you lay them down. Also try white noise on all night. We literally just put our white noise machine on the charger and let it run all night.
I would ask his doctor about the possibility of reflux. Even if he doesn’t spit up often, he could still have reflux. My son didn’t have it but he was a gassy baby so I started giving him gas drops 30 minutes before his night feeding and fed first, then woke him up to burp and rock him back to sleep. It’s frustrating waking them up, but he never burped while asleep, or he didn’t get it all out so it later woke him up.
Baby also might be a bit cold? You can try adding a layer of clothing or turning your thermostat up 1-2 degrees.
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u/pandamanda2022 12h ago
I always cosleep with my kids till they're around 10-12 weeks old. Currently collecting with my 3 week old. So I typically swaddle him and keep him about an arms length between us but im able to place my hand on his chest if I need to. That way he feels and smells me near but hes also sleeping on his own part of the bed independent of me. You can try this and see if the hand on his chest is enough to keep him happy
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u/PregnantHobbit 12h ago
I’m not saying this will work, but mine started struggling to sleep in the bassinet and once I put a heating pad down 30 mins before putting him in the bassinet, meanwhile aggressively rocking back and forth in the rocking chair holding him cradle while patting his bottom slowly at first and gradually increasing pats until he starts to squint…then give him a pacifier which he aggressively takes and sucks until he closes his eyes
LITERALLY ALL OF THIS AT ONCE BASICALLY until he falls asleep and I continue this for 10 mins to make sure he’s asleep before transferring to his bassinet. Sometimes he wakes up because he dirties his diaper in the middle of it and I quickly change him and restart the process. But it works every time now.
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u/Creative_Can_8950 11h ago
Good news, your baby sounds like a newborn! Even better news, you sound like a good mother in the throes of the trenches. It is so rough. I had twins at 37 weeks and felt like the newborn phase lasted so long compared to others who deliver at 40 lol. I would have LOVED to EP but I knew I would need to supplement. When I finally accepted that I would never produce enough, I started strategically feeding them certain bottles. Your little guy just may be a bit hungry and need some supplemental food.
Not sure if you were aware, but you can separate your milk into AM and PM. AM milk produces more cortisol so it will keep them more alert, PM milk has more melatonin in it to help them sleep. I gave my twins a bottle of AM breast milk first or second bottle of the day, and my PM milk was always in the middle of the night feeds. Every other bottle would be formula. This helps babies establish circadian rhythms, and think this is why my babies are great sleepers at night (knocks on wood and prays the 4 month regression doesn’t destroy us).
Also investing in some portables helped me so much. I got the eufy and thought they worked great. Those were the only way I was able to pump for 3 months.
Hang in there! It gets easier, and then harder in different ways
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u/Several_Cheetah6396 6h ago
Hey quick question, another dad here in the thick of it. Our nurse said the cortisol difference between the am pm milk is neglectable and therefore we have been saving it up in one bottle per day.. any thoughts on this? Also for OP, You are doing such a great job!! Hang in there!! Me, as a dad, can only speak praises of what you moms are doing, we are definitely the weaker sex, us men hahaha
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u/Round-Praline9645 11h ago
Don’t feel bad. You have to do what works for you. My baby just hit 8 weeks and at week 3 we had to put him in his own room in his crib. We tried every trick we’ve read online to get him to sleep in the bassinet but it just wasn’t working. We also tried co-sleeping but the grunting was so loud that nobody was getting sleep. So my hubby or I would sleep on a makeshift bed in the nursery for a while until he slept longer stretches. Now we take turns on who goes into feed him. I pump, breastfeed, and bottle-feed. Our routine for night time is:
- diaper change + pj’s
- bottle + burping in between each 1-2oz
- love to dream arms up swaddle prior to last burp. I will breastfeed to settle him [always works]
- set him down once he’s in a decent/deep sleep.
- pump!!
I have found with the same routine every night - he’s starting to know it’s time to rest.
Though…. Daytime is a whole diff story. He will only sleep for 1-2 hours if it’s a contact nap, otherwise putting him down lasts maybe 20-30 mins, so I’ll baby-wear for a bit to get things done.
You got this! 🩷
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u/porazkowicz 9h ago
We are in a similar situation. Our newborn is currently going through a developmental leap, or has colic (or both). From a baby who slept for hours, he has become a baby who only sleeps or naps when held, making his presence very well known. I'm starting to lose my mind. Our older son slept through this whole period, but here... TRAGEDY.
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u/Far-Marionberry-3081 6h ago
This is what happened to me. He slept on my chest every night until 4 months. This was the only way he slept. Turned out he has reflux and taking medicine now. Don’t feel bad. I was really in thick of it and that’s the only way I can survive.
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u/Strivingtosucceed 4h ago
As somone who also underproduced and whose baby didn't latch consistently (boob refusal) until 10ish weeks, don't give up!
First of all, look up safe cosleeping, some people do chest sleeping like you do, so it's not inherently unsafe, you just need to make sure you're doing it as safely as possible and you're deliberately doing it rather than finding yourself there.
Second, try to keep a schedule with pumping, even if you can't do 3-4 hours, make it so that your sleep is the largest gap you have, so first thing in the morning and last thing before you sleep and aside from that make sure you've pumped on schedule. In addition, you can try things like power pumping and breastmilk tea to help with supply, along with my Spectra they both helped a lot.
Third, I had to get over a breast refusal from about 3 days to 10 weeks with very inconsistent latching during this period. There are lots of methods for this but my simple advice is offer the breast as much as possible, but don't put too much pressure on baby (or you). Baby was fed formula against my wishes and when she first refused the breast I got upset and put so much pressure on us to get back to "normal". After a while, I decided to let it be, we did lots of skin to skin especially after a fun bath and she naturally rooted for the breast. It took a while before she became consistent, but eventually she started doing it in her sleep too and that really solidified our nursing journey. Now she's 13 mo and i'm trying to figure out how I can stop her haha.
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u/SatisfactionKey1629 1d ago
People have been cosleeping for yeeeeaaaaars all around the world. Cosleep mama. Make it safe but cosleep. Both of you will sleep, baby will breastfeed as much as he wants and you will sleep.
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u/lethal_disaster13 1d ago
Don't feel awful, you're not a bad mum! My boy would only sleep on my chest from birth until 8 weeks. I found a way to as safely as possible use my maternity pillow to prop myself up in bed and we slept like that. Only after 8 weeks did he let me put him down beside me, he's never slept more than an hour in his own bed. We got everything set up to as safe as we can bedshare and from 8 weeks on, he's slept through the night for like 9+ hours no problem. I beat myself up over it for so long, but whatever gets you both rested is what's best. You'll be okay ♥️
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u/imklax 1d ago
I also have a Velcro baby at 5 weeks. Do you have a partner or anyone else who can take the baby just for a couple hours? My husband works, but he takes the baby for 4 hours before bed so I can get uninterrupted sleep. As for the rest, I ordered a yoga mat and sleep with baby on my chest with pregnancy pillow around me so I literally cannot roll over. No blankets and a low cut top so his face is on my skin. There is literally no other way I’d get sleep. I said I’d never co sleep in any way but this is what I’ve found that works for us right now because we don’t have a village. Once baby starts to roll over, I’ll figure out another way to deal but that’s what we are doing for now.
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u/hollaatyoself 1d ago
I don’t regularly cosleep but have a space for it. Baby got her vax yesterday and was fussy and ultimately after 3 failed attempts, I plopped her next to me following the safe sleep 7, after being awake for too long. Would I prefer to follow the guidelines? Yes. But we both slept better for it and I don’t regret preparing in advance for plan B. Hope you know you aren’t the only one! Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to survive and also help baby during the fussy phase. Good luck!
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u/NewPossible4944 12h ago
Hey mama ! Couple things I would try . Try a probiotic could be silent reflux . Honestly screw the pumping . A fed baby is best and your baby needs a sane mom above all else . Try getting a lounger and put the lounger on the bed with you . It’s like cosleeping but at least you know baby is in their lounger and safe
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u/AllSortsOfNo 1d ago
Co-sleeping is not ideal for an otherwise ideal situation. Co-sleeping for someone in your situation may be literally life saving.
You cannot be up all the time. So falling asleep with him in your arms will naturally happen. So why not educate yourself on safe co-sleeping and make things safer for your and your baby?