I'm 34m, who's recently matched with 43f on Feeld who was in a poly relationship with someone. I was clear initially that I was looking for a primary partner for a relationship and to also explore the kink lifestyle together. We went on 5-6 dates and the chemistry has been off the charts. We have hooked up multiple times and feel very very passionately for each other and want to have a relationship. She doesn't want to give a primary or secondary tag to her partners. I'm very clear in my head of the kind of relationship I want, I want to build a life with the other person which includes traveling, hobbies, getting better every day, etc. It's not centred around kink but kink is a part of it.

I get incredibly jealous when she mentions her other partner or sees his 3 times a week. I have tried to sit with the feeling and also read enough to conclude that I can't get the better of it currently. It makes me think that we are not compatible and I can't handle poly relationship as a mono person? I also feel it's incredibly time consuming to talk about it each and every time. If you take the second partner out of the equation, I would be fairly okay with things. It's his presence, the fact that I'm not the only one in her life that's eating me from inside.

Do you think I should step away from the relationship? Both of us love each other a lot ( or so I believe)

Hi everyone,
My partner and I have been together for about a year and a half. A few weeks ago, we mutually decided to open up our relationship and explore non-monogamy.

Recently, I’ve started meeting a few people, although nothing physical has happened with anyone so far.
Since I’ve started taking those first steps, my partner has told me that the idea of me being with other people feels disgusting to her. She’s struggling with the thought that she might no longer be special to me if I develop connections with others, and she’s finding the reality of an open relationship much harder than she anticipated.
She’s now telling me that she doesn’t think she can cope with this and that we may have to break up if I want to continue exploring non-monogamy.

I’m struggling with this situation because opening the relationship was something we agreed to together. I love her and don’t want to hurt her, but I’m also trying to understand my own feelings and whether non-monogamy is something I genuinely want to pursue.

I understand that agreeing to an open relationship in theory can feel very different from experiencing it in practice. I don’t blame her for having difficult feelings, and I don’t expect her to simply get over her jealousy or insecurity. At the same time, I don’t know how to move forward when something we both agreed to is now causing so much distress.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation? Did you manage to work through these feelings together, or did you eventually realize you wanted different things?
How do you distinguish between the normal growing pains of opening a relationship and a fundamental incompatibility in what you want from a relationship?
I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences and any advice you might have.

Edit: Heres my partners perspective: [https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/eKmwi40gER\](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/eKmwi40gER)

My partner met a guy in a supermarket recently. We’re lesbians but she’s BI and would like a guy as well. The guy in the supermarket was really cute and I like him as he seems respectful. She’s got his number from the time we first met him when he followed us back to our car. I even helped him type her number as it felt like a good idea at the time.

Now she texted him loads that night, to find out about him after the supermarket incident. He told her all about himself. She told him about me and that she is Bi. He left it as she can text him if she wants to fool around, as he fancies her and she fancies him, but she isn’t doing out of respect for me. She told him she was Bi and I was her girlfriend but he wasn’t put off.

She told me if she texts him again she’ll end up sleeping with him. She asked me if she could, if I minded, and I was silent long enough for her to realise I was hesitant. She loves me and hasn’t texted the guy since. But they have each others numbers. And I guess it could happen at any time, except for one thing. We live together and am very much in love. It’s a fucked up situation really. Some days I think I’d mind, some days I think I’d be cool with it.

The main problem as I see it is time displacement. I want to spend my time with her, not on my own while she is with this guy. So that was my answer and I said no. She is honest with me and I trust her. But she chatted to him lots that night that I don’t know about.

She hasn’t kissed me for the last couple of days but we cuddle a lot anyway. If love is mutual poly or not might not matter. Time displacement is what matters to me. But now I’m feeling insecure about the fact that she wouldn’t full on snog me passionately last time we kissed. She just kissed me with her mouth closed. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it. I know she loves me and we live together. But she did say seeing this guy was dangerous because she really likes him and he turns her on a lot.

We’re happy living together and I don’t want any outside relationship to jeopardise that. We just booked a holiday together and I know she loves me.

BUT - I’m trans and I can’t help wondering if I should let them explore their chemistry. I pass well and get kissed on nights out myself, but she hates that and loves me to be hers. I love being hers as well though, she is super protective of me and I love it. 🥰

What would you do if you were me?

I would be interested to hear from anyone about their experience of starting in a purely monogamous relationship and then agreeing to move to something non-monogamous (open relationship, physical only) after a partner requested it, or realised that they themselves are actually non-monogamous.

How have you managed the shift of the relationship model?

How have you taught yourself to accept that your partner will be physical with someone else?

Are you aiming to reach compersion, feeling happy that your partner is happy, or something more like neutrality? Or even something more like an uncomfortable tolerance?

What drove you to stay in this changed relationship rather than seeking a new, monogamous relationship?

If the change in relationship is working for you, what are some of the most crucial things you would advise others to do or try?

Do you engage with other partners yourself since moving into a non-monogamous relationship?

Thanks.

Edit: I feel I need to add here that I’m not looking for opinions on whether this relationship will work. I’m also not looking for what won’t work. Just the experiences of monogamous people who have managed to make a non-monogamous relationship work and how they went about it.

We broke up about 6 weeks ago. We were together for 6 years. My heart aches so much 💔 I thought a poly lifestyle sounded beautiful and really nice. I love the whole concept. My brain was fully on board... My nervous system was not.

She met someone that she wanted to invest time and emotions into, and I completely lost it. I was hurt and devastated. It didn't matter what books I read, podcasts I listened to, or people in our community I talked to, I could not feel secure in that setting. I was hurt, I was crying at her actions, it was not good for either of us.

She is poly through and through. I thought I could be, but I was wrong. We are not compatible, but my heart doesn't know that and I'm still so much in love with her.

She taught me how hard I could love. She was absolutely everything I could have dreamed for in a partner. But now I know that I need monogomy, I'm just so fucking sad and it doesn't feel like I will ever meet someone like her again.

New house, new city, new job, new number of kids living with me, everything is different and I feel like a foreigner in my own skin.

I want some attention 😬 he came back from other house and had been texting her all day. Where’s the balance? I don’t ever want to be that person that complains but my goodness

I am in an open relationship with my wife. I'm a monogamous man trying to navigate this and I'm just wondering, for those in a similar situation, how much exposure to information about what your partner does with other people do you want to know? Does it help to know what they are doing so that you feel like you are not being kept in the dark? Or do you prefer to know nothing at all, trusting them to follow any health and safety agreements you may have in place?

22 years weve been monogamous.... And he tells me he doesn't want it anymore..... How do I react? My heart hurts I'm mad I'm jealous and I can't picture sharing him with anyone. What do I do??

Genuine question, and I’m asking out of curiosity rather than judgment.

For people who are polyamorous and have gone through a breakup with one of their partners, how does the heartbreak/loss feel when you still have another partner (or partners)?

Is it still just as painful and disruptive, or does having other romantic relationships provide some emotional support/continuity that makes the breakup easier to get through?

I’m also curious whether having other partners is ever considered one of the advantages of polyamory during a breakup; does having another person you already love and have an established relationship with while you’re grieving the loss of another relationship make it easier? Does it feel replaceable?

And for people who have experienced both monogamous and poly breakups: did they feel different to you?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing people’s experiences, including if the answer is “no, it was absolutely devastating despite having other partners.”

When your ex has sex with someone on the messy list right after you break up.

This person was on the messy list en fell under the category of monogamish people. This is a thing we’ve talked about regarding this specific person, so the ex is aware of them being on there, and me being uncomfortable with them persueing anything with them.
Me and my ex where in a mono-poly dynamic and I expressed feeling uncomfortable if my partner would go for someone else that’s also monogamous because it would slowly look more like a harem and make things more complicated than I was willing to.

Not only is this reflecting poorly on my ex but also this person as I thought we where all friends, and who has sex with someone that just got out of a long term relationship where you know both sides are currently not in the best emotional state?

Both did this with zero regard towards me and has permanently changed the way I saw our relationship.

On one hand I feel like I might be overreacting and am making this more about me than it is. But at the same time in the context of our relationship and especialy the end its feels so disrespectful to all the patience and effort I put into us ending on good terms.

I geus I’m just hurt.

It felt a bit like the polyamorous equivalent of the famous stereotype ‘the one they told you not to worry about’.

​

I have been married for a few years now, and we have a child together. Recently, my partner asked for a divorce because she wants a polyamorous relationship, which I am not convinced is right for me. However, we are still in love, and she wants me to remain her primary partner, even though I am uncomfortable with polyamory. I would like to find a middle ground where we can still love each other and enjoy being together. I think a good compromise would be living in separate houses while remaining partners, without me knowing the details about her other relationships. Unfortunately, this leaves me feeling like I also need to find another polyamorous partner just so I can enjoy making plans with someone else.

What is your advice?

Hola a todos. Busco opiniones y un poco de desahogo sobre una situación muy extraña y preocupante que acabo de descubrir.

Hace poco terminé una relación de 3 años con mi ahora exparja. Durante nuestro tiempo juntos, tuvimos una relación abierta. Ella es psicóloga clínica y ejerce activamente.

El motivo de mi post no es la ruptura en sí, sino lo que me acabo de enterar sobre su práctica profesional. Resulta que está promoviendo activamente las relaciones poliamorosas y abiertas con las parejas que atiende en terapia. Lo verdaderamente grave es que lo hace incluso cuando una de las partes no está de acuerdo o se siente incómoda con la idea.

Básicamente, parece estar utilizando su posición de poder y su título para empujar a sus pacientes hacia el tipo de estilo de vida que ella lleva, sin respetar los límites, la orientación o el bienestar de cada individuo.

Como alguien que estuvo en una relación abierta con ella, esto me parece una bandera roja gigante y una violación enorme a la deontología profesional. Desde mi punto de vista, un terapeuta debería ser neutral y ayudar a la pareja bajo sus propios términos, no imponer sus ideologías personales ni forzar dinámicas que causen sufrimiento a uno de los miembros.

Quiero preguntarles:

¿Es ético o legal que una psicóloga haga esto en sesión?

¿Debería reportarla ante el colegio de psicólogos de mi país?

Si hay psicólogos en el sub, ¿cómo se maneja esto desde el código deontológico?

Si necesitan más detalles o más contexto para opinar, por favor pregúntenme en los comentarios y con gusto les respondo. ¡Gracias por leer!

When I met her she was in a primary relationship and I was the other guy. She explained things were heirarchacle and I was okay with that. Poly sounded nice, and she is suuuuper fit and attractive so it was an easy yes for me. Over the next 3 years she broke up with her primary partner after he kinda went crazy and started abusing her (steroids). We became primary partners after a period of time for her to rebuild a bit. We moved in together and have been living together for 3 years, deeply deeply in love. It was the healthiest and most secure relationship I had ever had. She had other partners but they were pretty casual and not super involved emotionally.

Well, after 6 years she finally met someone that she started to have an emotional connection with and wanted weekly overnights with this new guy. I was devastated. I didn't handle it well at all. And to be completely honest, I hadn't been handling her dates well for 6 years. We came to an impass where she's poly to her core and refuses to keep hurting me, and my nervous system can't handle poly no matter how much I understand and approve of the idea.

We broke up. We were supposed to get married this summer and now I'm looking to move out with my 3 kids.

I'm heart broken. This happened 3 weeks ago, I still love her deeply. I understand why this is happening but I don't want to leave her. I'm carrying soooo much grief and advice and support would be appreciated 👍🥴

Hi Mono BF here. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost half a year. When we first started dating, she said she expressed interest in dating other guys. I said that even though it’s not completely my way to love, I’ll try to help her explore what she wants in a relationship. After a couple dates, I felt that I really want to ask her out to be my girlfriend because the thought of her with someone else who was planning to ask her out felt like I’ll be throwing one of the best choices I can make.

The following week or two cycle back to the idea if she can be poly and if I’ll be OK with it. As someone with a lover boy attitude, I really felt like I couldn’t let some other guy get something as special as intimacy by doing a fraction of what I worked hard for aspired to maintain in our relationship. I didn’t wanna feel like an accessory, someone she sees that she can get bored with and fill that emptiness with some other person, especially if it were someone she just met.

Fast forward near one month of us dating as bf and gf. She gets her own by this one guy. She tells me that he’s just a friend, and they just hang out. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and the trust thinking they’re just gonna hang out. I get a FaceTime call later on. I ask if things are all right and if she’s keeping her boundaries. Next thing you know, she admits that they fucked. Of course there’s a small latent idea in my head that they may have hooked up. I immediately hung up and decided to ignore the rest of her calls for the night. Until I gave in and decided to pick up.

I gave her the option that night, we could drop the label of boyfriend girlfriend. once again be two people just dating; however, I would not be comfortable saying I love you, I can’t give that special treatment that I save for someone special as a girlfriend, and I can’t promise to make time for her as much as her boyfriend. Though that may not be a we in my case, it gives her the freedom of being happy to date other people. But she doesn’t wanna drop our label as boyfriend girlfriend. I gave her space for a couple days to think about it, while I was working. My friends were pushing me to break up with her, because they felt like I didn’t deserve that disrespect. All the time trust and respect, I poured into her, felt like it was thrown out the window. There was a thought in back of my head that I was coming to decision to break it off.

That one night that she drove to me. She said that she couldn’t bear not hearing response from me, and that small simulation that I played for her as if we weren’t boyfriend girlfriend did not make her happy. She told me that she wanted to make a sacrifice that she want to say monogamous for me.

Fast forward, we are nearing our half year. She told me that she misses being free but still wants to be my girlfriend, the person she can come back after a long day, the person that she can love for a long-term run. She knows I want to date to marry. But the thought of her hooking up with other people, doesn’t align with the way I love.

I personally think that it was my fault in a way for pursuing a relationship with someone who told me that they had an idea that they might be poly. And I tell my girlfriend that, but she says she also wanted this relationship as well, so I shouldn’t put the blame on myself.

I gave her the same option, we can revert to just two people seeing each other and she can have the freedom of seeing other people. But she’s doesnt want to loses me as her boyfriend. But I hate the feeling of being cheated on, especially after that night.

To wrap up the story, I’m having a hard time finding a solution that works both of us. Even if im on losing end. I told her that I would sacrifice my happiness for her. Because when I started dating her, I told her that I had this relationship I wanted to find what she wants in a partner. And I told her as much as she loves me, she definitely can find someone else whose poly and maybe can treat her the same way. It will just take some sacrifice and time finding that person. She said doesn’t want to take the risk, and she wants me as her boyfriend.

I love her with all my heart, I don’t want to lose my girlfriend, but i don’t want her unhappy because she can’t see other men. I can’t find a middle ground.

This felt like the best group to post in… sorry if I am stepping too far in the other direction. 😅

I’ve been poly for a few years and recently found myself completely single, save for a few play partners. To clarify, I ended all of these relationships. They just were not what I wanted from intimate partners so I decided we were all better as friends.

I met someone who, while he doesn’t tick all my boxes, is actually pretty wonderful. Problem? He’s monogamous as heck.

I just want some advice. I’m going in a new treatment that’s going to squash my immune system for about two years, so this does feel like the best time to experiment with monogamy.

I’m just worried how things are going to go when i inevitably catch feelings for others. I’m not going to cheat on him, but I’m not sure how he’s going to feel when I am crushing on other people.

There’s obviously other concerns. Anyone want to share advice or stories?

Eu e meu marido estamos juntos há quase 8 anos. Nossa relação sempre foi monogâmica, até que começamos a abrir aos poucos. No começo era só uma coisa mais sexual mesmo: balada, beijar outras pessoas, às vezes ficar com alguém juntos e voltar pra casa. Nunca teve namoro ou envolvimento emocional.

No carnaval desse ano ele ficou com um cara que já namora outro cara há anos. Depois nós quatro ficamos juntos também e, até aí, pra mim estava tudo bem. Só que meu marido começou a conversar mais com eles, sair sozinho com os dois e acabou se apaixonando (ele me avisou que estava de gostava das conversinhas, mas nunca imaginamos que poderíamos chegar nisso tudo).

E aí tudo mudou pra mim. Eu percebi que lidar com ele ficando com outras pessoas era uma coisa, mas lidar com ele amando e namorando outras pessoas era completamente diferente. Tive uma crise bem pesada e várias vezes pensei que não ia conseguir.

Ao mesmo tempo, nós nos amamos, estamos construindo nossa casa nova, temos nossos gatos, família, amigos e planos pro futuro. Ele não quer abrir mão de mim e também não quer abrir mão deles.

Eu não tenho vontade de namorar outras pessoas. Gosto da liberdade de poder ficar e transar com outras pessoas, mas afetivamente por enquanto não. Então estamos tentando entender se dá pra gente viver assim: eu mais monoafetivo e ele poliamoroso, namorando esse outro casal.

Tem dias em que fico tranquilo com tudo isso e tem dias em que dói pra caralho. Agora estamos tentando ir com mais calma, fizemos alguns combinados e estamos experimentando antes de decidir qualquer coisa definitiva.

Alguém já passou por algo parecido? Como foi pra vocês? Conseguiram encontrar uma forma que funcionasse pros dois?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m having a really hard time processing what happened.

My ex and I were previously in an exclusive long distance relationship. We live in 2 different country but made it work for 3 years, spending time with each orher 10 days a month. We broke up, but eventually started talking again and became intimate again. He is polyamorous, while I have always been monogamous.

We talked about having some kind of open/non-monogamous dynamic. He started seeing another woman, and I agreed to participate remotely while they spent a weekend together. They had sex and sent me videos and voice messages. I also tried to participate by sending my own voice messages and engaging with them sexually.

However, I started feeling very alone because they rarely responded to my messages or tried to engage with me. I felt like I was just watching the two of them together while being left on the outside.

At some point, I decided to see another guy and we had sex together while staying on a video call with my ex and the other woman. In a way, this helped rebalance the dynamic because I no longer felt like I was the only one alone while they were together.

But after I came home, I started feeling extremely anxious.

I want to be very clear about something: nobody forced me to do any of this. I made my own decisions at every step. I said yes, and I take responsibility for my choices.

And yet, despite that, the experience has been extremely difficult for me. Emotionally, I experienced it as a profound violation, and I feel almost traumatized by what happened.

What hurt me wasn’t only the sex.

Seeing how rough and aggressive their sex was honestly made me feel disgusted by that side of his sexuality. It felt dirty and repulsive to me. It was so different from the way we used to have sex. He had always told me that he had never really been really rough with me because I was “too sweet and delicate” for that. He also told me that he loved the way we had sex and that what we shared was something he had never experienced before.

But what was almost even harder was seeing moments of tenderness between them.

At one point, they were just sitting on the couch together, talking normally. She was caressing his hair while her feet were resting on his stomach, and he was kissing them sometimes. It was such a casual, intimate and tender moment.

That was incredibly painful to watch.

Because I wasn’t just watching my ex have sex with someone else. I was watching him create the kind of intimacy with her that I thought was something special between us.

And what hurts me the most now is how detached he seems to be from me throughout all of this.

I didn’t feel protected by him. I didn’t feel like he was checking in with me emotionally or taking care of my feelings. Instead, I felt like he had already completely moved on, even though he barely knows this woman.

I know that I made my own choices. I know that I consented. I’m not trying to erase that or put responsibility for my decisions on anyone else.

But I’m realizing that something can be consensual and still affect you in a way that feels deeply violating afterwards.

I’m going to seek professional help to process this because I don’t think I should try to deal with it alone.

I would especially appreciate hearing from people who have experience with polyamory, or with relationships where one person is monogamous and the other is polyamorous. I’m trying to understand whether this was simply a situation I wasn’t emotionally equipped for, or whether there were unhealthy dynamics at play.

Hi all, mono here, married a bit over a decade, with two kiddos. My partner and I opened up after they found out later in life that poly was a thing, and it fit how they'd always felt. I was at all times free to pursue, but never felt any desire to do so. Did all the research, reading and therapy, though there was rushing on their part due to limerence and NRE, and they were finally feeling like they were living authentically. Other than that last part, I never felt anything positive about the whole situation, with the negatives ranging from a deep unease at best, to panic attacks at worst.

While open, we both made many mistakes, and ended up eventually going back to monogamy (their choice). Part of the reason for going back to monogamy seems to be their guilt over how deeply the experience hurt me, and they also worry that it was a need for validation that influenced the pursuit. The main reason, however, is that they are happy with me, and while non-monogamy would be great if I was enthusiastic, they are fine without it. We have also for some time been in a situation where pursuing non monogamy would not be an option for practical reasons, (moving provinces/debilitating health issues on her side) .

On to my problem. It's been almost two years since we were open, and I haven't gone a single day without reliving multiple awful moments that happened during that time, including multiple breaches of trust. I lost sleep, lost weight, lost friendships from withdrawing from life, was sent home from work for panic attacks, and experienced a constant deep sadness that has got better, but really hasn't ever gone away.

They seem genuinely happy to be with just me, which is all ever I wanted the whole time we were open, but all I can think about is how they found me in a crying pile on the bathroom floor, and kept going. How I asked for time, a short break, or to stop pursuing an affair partner, and they kept going. I feel fully loved and supported now, valued and cared for, but there's something just... there, now.

Maybe it's cognitive dissonance between the conscious choices they made in the past despite knowing they would devastate me, and the present reality of trying to show me support, love and affection? I can't stop thinking about how the only way I could keep doing something that was affecting my partner in those ways, was if I didn't care about how they felt. Maybe I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and don't want to get too comfortable?

We are trying everything to help them get well, including the big move, and that plus the kiddos are of course the main focus, so again, non monogamy wouldn't be possible even if both of us wanted it. So why, even though neither of us want it, and it's impossible even if either of us did, can I not stop being so heavily affected by non monogamy? I wanted it to be over for so long, and now it technically has been for a while, but it hasn't really stopped for me.

I realize this is kind of vague in terms of what I'm asking for, but that's partly because I myself don't really know. Any thoughts or words of advice would be very greatly appreciated.

Why are relationships so fucking complicated? My husband and I have been separated for a year now. He's been dating and he has always been honest; despite me feeling not okay with it. He refuses to fix his actions, but then he also treats me very very well. Like better then he did when we were together. We love each other he said he never intended on having an affairs and he wants me. But he felt this relieved a lot of tension for our marriage. But I don't want this to be our thing forever. I want his compassion without the extra bodies in our relationship.

So I was thinking what if I brought up the idea of a temporary open relationship where I am 100% on board for him to do that fir 2 years. But he must do couples therapy with me and keep things open with me, and no emotional connections with these other women. Otherwise it's a divorce.

Do you guys think this may work? Can my marriage be saved by letting him off the leash for a little while? Or am I plotting my own doom for my marriage?

My partner (M25) and me (F22) have been in a relationship for 4 years, We have two kids, and just got a house. He recently came out and said he wanted a poly/ open relationship.
Alittle back story: My partner has cheated on me multiple times in our relationship but we always worked through it so I told him to consider open to make it easier for him and his needs.

A year passes and he finally decides he wants to be in a poly. I agreed and we got into a relationship with a female. It’s been going good but he started to get severely jealous so we sat down and made rules (all three of us). One of the main rules and boundaries was our girlfriend agreed to not have sex 1v1 with any of us in the relationship until she got to know me more to make me comfortable. And that we will focus on us as a throuple and not talk to others.
We just found out he’s still texting other people trying to meet up and have sex with others while in a committed relationship with both of us.

I told him maybe an open relationship would be better since he cannot stay loyal and that way we can still be together and love eachother but have multiple partners to make him happy. He told me no because I am not allowed to sleep with any one else unless he approves (unless it’s a man then I cannot) but he is suppose to have free range and sleep and text whoever he wants.

My question is, what am I doing wrong? What can I do to help him be happy? I am draining myself as I wanted to be mono but I want him actually happy and I cannot find myself loving other people or sleeping with others. But he said he can’t just love me. But the lying and texting people behind my back is slowly killing this relationship and he has not changed in 4 years.

He wants me mono but he wants to be free range. What do I do??? Please help 🙏

Now wholeheartedly I do feel neglected. My partner for 15 years has off and on done some polyamorous choices. She's the loving mother of my children and my go-to. Whenever I have a crisis she's been pulling further and further away as of late. With her partner being probably the main focus I see her gushing and acting like a high school girl all over again like when she and I first got together. I found this to be completely understandable. However, I tried to set boundaries that have only been partially respected and on top of that she broke my most important boundary which was that he get tested for any STDs before they even have any kind of sexual relationship, regardless of how harmless it might have. Seemed they didn't wait until then and neglected to think of the other people in the relationship. Granted the situation is complicated as a polyamorous relationship tends to be but I'm still hurt. It's been 4 or 5 months since that happened, but I still feel the trust and the betrayal breaking. I fear she's inviting this person over even though it makes me uncomfortable and I fear she's been not being completely honest with me and I feel like that's the most important part. I don't know how I want to move forward, but I know that without her I don't function well as a person and that's on me. Therapies helped me a great deal but it only helps so much. I know I sound like I'm just whinging making a fuss, but to me this person makes me uncomfortable just being around them. Therefore, I've chosen to be parallel but the big thing to me that really should have been a regular flag for her. Was that our kid is wildly uncomfortable around him. This is something that continues to make me upset but she doesn't want to discuss it sometimes. I feel like I might be overreacting but at a certain point it's not overreacting anymore. Is it? It's just feeling I don't know why I'm just blathering on and on but people in this group seem to be insightful. I could have gone and just vented but if anyone has anything to discuss about this type of situation that would be helpful. I've never not been honest with her like I feel like she might not be being honest with me and that makes me scared and I feel like that's also normal. I just need a way to move forward where I don't end up not prioritizing myself and I don't know how to prioritize myself because I'm bad at it

Hi everyone, I'm new here

I'm a heterosexual man (24 years old) and I recently identified as non-monogamous, and I couldn't find another reliable place to share this information other than here. I'll summarize how it all started: I was in a monogamous relationship in 2023-24, but I had a lot of difficulty not desiring other women. I ended up looking at photos and fantasizing in my head, feeling dirty and unfaithful, and we broke up amicably. I felt that, although I wanted a serious relationship, I wanted to maintain contact and pleasure with other women, even if only for brief moments. I sought to understand what I was feeling and discovered the non-monogamous world and all its variations; and I found it fascinating and felt like experimenting. The dynamic that particularly interests me is being polyamorous and being able to have relationships with other people, while my partner is monogamous or only has relationships with women; I have no interest in being in a threesome or foursome. I want my girlfriend to have complete autonomy over the frequency, who I'm with, what I can or cannot do, and how well she wants to control these situations. I want her to feel comfortable with everything.

I don't want any more judgment, contempt, or insults, please. I just want to be heard and understood. I'd like to know how to start, the difficulties and ease involved, and where to find someone with this mindset. Thank you in advance.

As the title says I think I’m ruining the relationship that I’ve joined. They both talked about adding another person to their relationship for a year and a half? The guy is cool and so is the girl but she’s a little crazy. We’ve tried to find solutions to make things work since we all live together. The solution was supposed to be time is spent 50/50. The girl thought it was a good idea but not even 24 hours later she was screaming that she didn’t get any attention, even though he had spent all day and all night with her and he spends 30 minutes with him and she just sorta flips out. She says that she wanted me to be the 3rd but her actions say differently.

She goes first with everything because I don’t want her to feel like I’m taking her man, when I’m not. She’s said that she has every reason to be sad and angry. But she doesn’t work but one day a week for maybe 5 hours , has a place to live after she just come from living off the streets. She doesn’t have to worry about food anymore, she has WiFi and computers and she has people that care for her and love her, but she’s only focuses on he spends 5 minutes with me and 50 with her. The guy has asked her to not touch his stomach and she does it everytime she is around him and it hurts him. And she act like she’s the victim and storms out like he was the one hurt. I don’t understand poly, I don’t understand this, and I don’t understand people. It’s like she is no longer trying to better herself. The guy has said that he’s about ready to give up on that year and a half that he’s been with her. He once gave her a whole list of good things about her and she focused on the one thing that she took negatively. He said “you’re not my wife but you are my wife” she took it negatively because that’s how she takes everything.

I’ve been here almost a month and I feel like I’ve ruined their year and half relationships. What can I do differently so that they don’t have to break up? I give them their alone time. But I don’t think anything is working.

Hello All. Seeking honest, non judgmental experience and advice. I 27(F) have been dating my boyfriend (50M). For almost a year. The age gap is not an important part of our dynamic, we are 50/50 in the relationship, have fun and love each other deeply.

I have been in long monogamous relationships my whole life, with very short gaps where I’m single. He has also been in monogamous relationships, but unlike me he has had lots of one off sexual encounters. He was a bartender for many years and is very handsome and charming, so that helped. When we met I told him I was hoping to finally explore my sensuality solo and not rush into another long-term relationship. He said he understood- but quickly he was ready to make things official. It became clear that if I wanted any of him, I had to give him all of me. So that’s how we started dating.

Ever since the start of our relationship I’ve had this sadness about not exploring my sensuality. I should add my last long term relationship was with a woman and our relationship struggled sexually towards the end - so I was hoping to have new experiences with women to heal some of that. Not just one off encounters, but a healing, lower stakes connection. There is also maybe a bit of jealousy/insecurity I have around the fact that he has done so much more than I.

Anywho we love each other very much. We are kind and patient with each other, and our sex life is not lacking. I see myself with him for the long haul, but still I feel there are some experiences I hope to have. An opportunity arose with a woman I befriended who is in an open relationship. I asked him if it would be okay if I explored hanging out with her and maybe after some time being intimate. The thing is I don’t want him to explore things with other people, ( I know that sounds unfair). It’s partly because he’s already had so many sexual partners (which I think is great) but maybe I feel insecure that I have not. I didn’t say that outright to him, but that’s how I secretly feel. Anyway, he said to me he understands where I’m at and he’s open to navigating things and trying to honor that I am young and want life experiences- but that’s he doesn’t want or need anyone but me. He did say he wouldn’t want to hear details and he doesn’t want a man to be involved. Those were firm boundaries. I’ve since gone on one date with the woman and she is awesome and totally has a primary partner and seems to be looking for the same experience I am. But I just worry about messing things up with my boyfriend. And dealing with the guilt I have for such a desire.

My question is, if we are able to make this dynamic work, am I evil for even putting it on the table and asking this of him? I truly feel monogamous but I am young and want to experience some things. It’s not a need of mine forever to have something be open- but I think the encounter could be healing. However I feel so guilty about the whole thing. I worry he only agrees to it because he doesn’t want to lose me. But, I also feel grateful he understands where I’m at.

Obviously me and him would need to do a lot of communicating, but has anyone experienced this or have any advice on how to navigate? I feel like the other 2 options are stay with him and be unhappy about not exploring myself, or leave him and be so beyond heartbroken but at least know that I’ve not made him change to appease me. Sorry for the word vomit- thank you to whoever made it to the end!