I'm sure I blend in with everyone else posting here but I'm...alone. I'm not, but no one knows my struggles. No one knows the depths of my grief. No one knows I miss heroin. No one knows I drink so I don't hear my own thoughts. I don't care about stopping. I miss my best friend. I don't know how to live without him. I want to scream, loudly, often. I'm in pain. I'm still reeling from miscarrying one of my children. I feel like multiple parts of my heart were ripped out. I don't know how to have a future. I'm afraid of everything. Staying, going. Thriving. I guess I just want to know other people out there are trapped in this....neutrality. Paralyzed by indecision and fear and...okayness? Like it could be worse so is it really that bad? I have everything I could want. But nothing I want at the same time. What is this feeling? I'm just lost and want a friend.

Hi!

This might not be the appropriate subreddit, forgive me. I'm cognitively shutting down right now.

I'm moments away from going into a chronic illness flare. I can feel it. My body is still trying to fight it, but I don't have much energy left. I'm on the verge of succumbing to the pain, by force. My legs are shaking from weakness.

What would be the smartest move right now? I genuinely don't know. My body is telling me that there is huge danger coming. I feel like I want to fight, but I'm already too tired to stand up. I'm using the very last strength that I have to sit up and write this.

I'm not very fond of being bedridden and too exhausted to think or move. So, I'm trying to fight. Even though it's inevitable.

I have no one to call and have tea with.

Nobody but me has come to my house for some months.

I tried for a long time to make friends, I was told it would happen naturally, but it never did.

I wake up, go to work, go to college, study, and go back home, and the next morning I do it all again

I go to a psychologist, she tries to help me.

I don't think I'm a bad person, I don't hurt anyone, I just have trouble communicating.

I can go months without speaking.

But I want to have someone to call when I'm happy, and to be happy about as well.

I want to bake a cake and have someone to save a slice.

Sometimes I think that if I disappeared today, it would take months for someone to Note it, Not that I'm going to do anything, it's just a feeling I have.

Every day I feel like I need to hurt myself. It feels like my brain is screaming at me to do it. Usually I can fight the urge, but sometimes I just need to do it. I know I need to stop, but part of me doesn’t want to, part of it just wants to cut deeper than before. I just need someone to vent to.

I am 16 years old right now and feeling trapped already, while I scroll internet i see kids my age are involving in some good skils from my age only like ai and tech software development editing trading finance etc and I feels like my big brother also have some expectations towards cus he had also passed from the same age group and he regretted not doing something extra ordinary than choosing a medical career (he still loves it tho) but he had some expectations like i would do something extraordinary than choosing same feild in mathematics i don't know what I should do

Hello everyone, I need help.
My whole life Ive felt like I’ve been stuck in my head, a head full of imagination and a life Ive set for myself. I’m not sure if most of what I’ve dreamt for myself was due to parental influence or a life my heart genuinely desires.
Regardless, I am able to distinguish reality and expectations over that fictional life I’ve dreamt for myself, but because of that, I have been depressed my entire life. Coming from an Asian family, ofc my parents would never take me to see a doctor to have myself diagnosed nor do they truly believe depression is real, so I have brushed it off my entire life, and am actually quite afraid of going to the doctors to get diagnosed. I have such a huge, ambitious heart and mind and they are so connected, I feel like I can’t FEEL anything rationally anymore, only emotionally. Which sucks because I don’t let out my emotions, I never talk about my problems, what I’m going through, how I feel; I never let anyone see me cry or how sensitive I really am. And I’m not sure why. I tell myself it is because I am resilient, but really that feels like my biggest weakness.

I notice everything. I remember everything.

I’m an astronomy/physics major who chose the major at a hard stem school because I am “ambitious.” I am horrible at math. I am horrible at science. But I was going to do it anyways because I could push through! I could get good grades, internships, and I was going to try my best! Something I always say and fail at, no matter what. I study, work, study, work, and then I fail my tests, and sleep. And I often wonder, am I lying to myself? Do I really try that hard? Is my life really the burden i make it out to be or am I not trying hard enough? Because how can someone who tries this hard, be so stupid.
All I’ve ever wanted to do was act. Very “ambitious” of me. I’ve done every play, competition, musical, I even go to school in ny…as I had that little bit of hope in me telling me that I had a chance to get started and make it to the big screen if I at least got myself away from my homeland that had no opportunities for me outside of school, but now that I am here, I’m hopeless and overwhelmed, constantly.

It’s not being ambitious. It’s being unrealistic and irrational.
I cant do it anymore.
I don’t understand how anyone can live like this. I don’t understand what everyone else must be going through or doing to be continuing this life unless they are rich, or smart, or the most sane person in the world.
I mean do normal people think like this as well?? Or do I genuinley have a disorder?Sometimes I can’t help but think that this is how we all feel, just a lot of us choose not to get help, and so it seems “disorderly” to SPEAK OUT about feeling this way.
I spend my days doing nothing but staring at a wall, people watching, and reading books to genuinely find a way to role play living a better life. Like the ones you read in books.

I don’t know, I don’t know how to put it into words or continue on about this. I get real anxiety attacks now, I can’t breathe knowing this is my life. I’m 18, but it feels like everything has already slipped by me because I can never live in the present. I mentally feel like I am 36 and drained of life already. I can imagine a life of pure stress and frustration due to everything wrong with my life, and the only way I feel like I can escape that is if I ki!! myse!f. And I’ve felt this way since the third grade. I’ll never reach any of the expectations my parents put on me, but even worse, I feel I have no control and ability to reach any of the goals and expectations my own mind put on myself. I don’t know how to change or keep going anymore.

We broke up a year ago, and started talikng again in july, but i ended up deciding that i dont wont to be with her in august. After that i have startef feeling really strange. Like i was in a psychotic episode, and it hasnt stopped since, I started taling ti her again i september and she doesnt know how bad i am feeling but she really is heloimng me thru it amd i dont know how i would feel wihtout her. Since that in aigusy i have become very sensitive to anything that someone says to me and l repeat it over and over in my head and i feel like i dont knwo how to explain it and i lost all my confidence, i feel very weak and everytime someone says some joke about me or like that i imagine taht person saying it in front of me. That day in september i stopped felling every emotion i felt like a zombie and if it wasnt for her i dont know.

This will probably be all over the place but I don't care enough to fix it.

(Context: I'm extremely anxoius, I have selective mutism, misophonia and misokenisa (and I think I have autism but not diagnosed))

I am so sick of my mum, she is such a hippcrite and I honestly just can't be around her at all. She does not listen to me at all, I don't think she even cares.

(Sorry for this incoming long list) She leaves my door open every single time she comes into my room(she knows I have it closed so I can't hear as much), she constantly talks with her mouth full, leaves dishes everywhere then complains that nobody did the dishes and that the place is a shit show, constantly threatens to take away my stuff or send away my pets (or me) if I forget to do something, she used to try drag me out the door or threatend to call the cops when I didn't go to school, blasts loud ai slop "music" and buys/watches so much ai slop even though she knows I hate it (I do lots of art/animation and deny anything to do with gen ai), she does so fucking much to flare up my misophonia/misokenisia and I swear it's on purpose half the time (I know she can't help some of it but you'd think she could learn to atlest not clap/tap so much around me), I could name so many more things but I think It would never end. But it's gotten so bad that I just can't be around her, which often means I don't eat for most the day because she is often on the couch (which is in the same room as the kitchen).

I'm so sick of people who talk about me like I'm not right next to them, mainly my mum, dad and doctors, but also just anyone who talks to my mum or dad while I'm with them. Just because I can't talk most the time doesn't mean I'm not there.

I'm honestly just so sick of my life. I feel like I just live for my family, pets and friends- and the last of my friends in my area are moving to another country. I honestly think I'm just going to become a hermit and never leave my room again.

(This mainly turned into a rant about my mum ah well)

Anywayyyy, I don't expect anyone to read my rantings but if you did, thanks for humouring me : ]

I'll probably delete this later when my anxiety gets the best of me.

I seriously don't know what to do. I'm in a career where i have zero interest but requires intense work to succeed. I don't have anything to look forward to. I actually googled it. It felt like WTF moment. How tf do I endure this ? Therapy doesn't help as I am barely being honest here let alone F2F.

I talked to AI before having an therapist (now I have one) about things that happened to me/I did that are really personal, and I gave a lot of details (not about me, but about the events), I was dealing with guilt and desperation overall, so I just wanted to hear ""someone"" who was out of my mind and could not distort anything, since a anxious mind really get stuck in the worst scenario possible.

Now I'm really afraid stuff that I asked/said will come out, and I know I was stupid in talking about them with an AI, but I was just in such a dark place and I didn't knew if I could be helped, so I tried everything I could to find confort.

Sorry if this post is not appropriate

as the title suggests, I graduated last aug and got married. I live with my in laws so house chores are not a problem. and I have no life,hobbies or job of my own. I spent most of time in my room doing nothing. My husband works a remote job, ofc we spend time but I have nothing of own going on. There are 2-3 family dinners planned out once a month but I have no friends to have my personal social group. I have been learning graphic design and applying for jobs since past year but I think I am not good enough and I don't get a reply back and so I am thinking about giving up on the idea of graphic designer. I feel lazy, unmotivated and hopeless sometimes. I don't know why things don't work out for me.

Hi may friend ako na napakabaho ng hininga nya as in yung tipong pag naamoy mo wala ka ng ganang kumain. Pero ayaw naming sabihin kase sobrang bait nya hindi nagagalit and kahit isa sya sa pinaka matalino samin pinapakopyahan nya kami. Pero ayun nga mabaho ksi hininga nya kahit sa malayo naamoy. Napag usapan na namin ito without her knowing, gusto talaga naming sabihin sa kaniya kaya lng ayaw naming masaktan ksi super duper bait. May one time nga nag uusap kami about sa sirang ngipin and sinabi nya na if magpapatanggal daw siya maraming matatanggal. Plss help me gusto ko na talagang sabihin sakit na kase ng tiyan ko pag naamoy ko yung hininga nya.

14 years. 14 years through High-school, college, posyt college and now family life as of 3 years go. I have been with my wife. She wasn't supposed to be permanent but she came so because she gave me piece and made me want to be the person I had been working forward to be. Kind, caring and loving.

But I have a darker side, I was molested by a early teen girl when I was 5. Never thought anything about it. But it hardwired somthing in me. Touching, pleasure and ownership brought joy, brought excitment, brought love. For years I was so confused what love really was. Until I started dating, sneaking out with girls, doing the usual as teens. But I never just chose one, I jumped between partners, or they never stayed very long with me before moving to the next friend. But each time, I was talking to others. Flirting with others and prepping for thr day I would be alone once more.

In college that urge grew, I cheated on my now wife, physically cheated, i burried it and I have not fone so again, not with lack of trying. Because I never felt like I could fully be pleased or fufilled, that there were others. But I kept loving my wife, when we broke up multiple times and still I crawled back. From fear of being alone? Fear of losing something that I had in my life for so long.

Come the next stage of our life. We chose to merry. After 2 years of no messing up on my end. Then we came pregnant and 4 years of peace and a life I always wanted. But after our child was born things became to shudder once again. Lonelyness, desire, feelings that I still don't understand. I try to control my urges, ride through them and bury it once more for another month.

Then I learned I was Bipolar fast manic short episodes (weeks to months) then hard and low lows. I started medication and now there is one question thaty occurs in my head now. Do I want this? I lovve my wife (I think), I love our son (I hope) But to be numbed, all these overwhelming feelings reduced to a neutral line and I ask my self. Is this love? Is this normal?

I don't want to hurt my family, I don't want to lose my family. I grew up in a broken home. Turning in a monster like my father was a fear I held in me since I was old enough to understand why he left.

But running isn't the option, I cant do that damage to my family. But day by day the questions rise up and all I can say is I hope this is right. I just don't know what to do. Can I really hold out for 15 years when our son goes on his own journey to go onto my next? Or do I do it early and focus on 15 years of rebuilding. Or is this my life, never truly happy but never truly sad or unwilling to go on. Just neutral, just emotionless at least to the level I grew up with for 28 years of my life.

I have thought of going to marriage counseling. I can unload all of this but when it comes down to a single question. Do you stay or do you go? And I can truly say, I don't know.

Maybe its all in my head and I am becoming thr new me. But why does it feel like defeat, like giving up what I am and I don't know if I am ready. I am just scared.

Growing up sucks.

Ok so I’m 19M and I’ve been using the app grinder to talk to guys. My problem is that I’ve been getting blocked by so many people back to back. Every time k get close I get blocked or removed. It really hurts. I’m not told what i did wrong and I’ve tried to improve where it’s needed. I put up pictures and have what I’m looking for in my bio yet, every time like clockwork I get blocked after exchanging a couple of words. I need advice.

A manager Ive grown close with shared some big news on a mess up someone else made, and it was something I have done, as well. The rest of my shift and my drive home the guilt was eating me and I was having a never ending panic attack (and I suffer w sever emesis when I am having anxiety attacks) so literally cant drive home without having to pull over. Ended up deciding to call and fess up. Im talking to my managers manager tomorrow about it and probably getting fired like other person. I know it was the right thing to do but I can't help but hate that I said anything. I need this job for insurance and debt reasons and this is the best job I ever had. Just need some advice or honestly validation to remember the right thing isnt always the easy thing. Thanks

Everyday I slowly want to do anything just to have enough to pay off my debt and have the freedom to do other things.

Im so socially awk its insane and i ruminate to the point i dont like my cortisol levels.

The only place i really have to socialise is my sons school, now to explain a recent situation my son doesnt much notice his surroundings, we were on the way out of school when a parent i know was friendly and said hi to me and i wanted to stop to do a proper greeting but my son wouldnt have noticed me stopping and i just panicked and did an awkward greeting as i kept going to keep up with my son but it felt very rude, a quick convo was definitely expected, i flusteredly said hi, hi how are you but kept walking to keep up with my son...

I keep thinking about it and how i should say something to clear it up. And then i worry about managing to deliver that information. I guess ill just do my best

I (16F) just wanted to be happy. But, I can’t. I feel like a flower trying to grow with concrete over it. It feels like I have no one to really lean on. I’ve been diagnosed with major depression and it’s like no one cares. My mom’s bf hates me, so does my sister, and my ex. I had been with him for about a year but he left and cheated on me! :P I’ve been trying to be happier but I also just found out I was pregnant. Told everyone I miscarried and I couldn’t even tell my bf but to be fair. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t go to school because when I did I was getting bullied and I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m trying to work now but can’t get a job. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I don’t know what to do. I really just want to be a happier and nicer person but I can’t in this environment. No one is ever on my side they always stand to the side and let everything happen. But, I’m always there for everyone else. Everyone always leans on me and talks to me and ask me for things. I can’t find anymore reasons to be happy. Now what?

hi there, i'm writing this to ask for advice. I recently developed a crush on a guy in band with me. super cute, super nice, but that's the issue: hes SO nice. he's very complementary of me, starts conversations, the whole "eye contact" thing is there too. like, talking to me when we've never talked before and saying something like "oh but we're gonna win because (me) is going to do great on her solo" and coming up and helping me/talking when we aren't really friends or even closely associated. Always seems subtly interested. however, each time i've reached out it's been awkward and hasn't produced a conversation, and now he kind of avoids me a bit idk if on purpose or on accident. many people who are around him told me not to worry and that hes jjust a bit awkward. it makes it worse that someone i used to be close with (then had a falling out bc of their actions) also seems to be a little bit attention-y with him, and that makes me stressed or irritated somehow even though idk him really. I kind of have developed a fat crush and honestly at this point would just love to be friends with him bc hes so nice and we are incredibly similar, and actually cares about what im saying, but unsure what to do. i feel bad taking his kindness as romantic gesture. is he just being nice, or does he want to be friends, or more??? help!!

i been suffering the past days, i always had hate myself but lately is has been horrible for me, now i had got to the point were i bite or punch myself as a punishment, and lately i had have some punishment about wanna kill myself

all are gone lost everyone parnter doesnt love me I think screwed up my fault cant do it i actually have nothing to live for if i lose them i have nothing and no one no hobbies motifation anything lost interest in all hobbies things I found fun gone all chores now can’t clean can’t get out can’t make friends all awkward all friends dead or scared off have bpd I can’t I won’t

cant communicate to them will get mad or make worse they don’t want to talk about it don’t tell me what do make better fucking tired I ruin everything

(idk if i'm posting this to the right subreddit, i don't use this app much pls bear with me)

I ( high school age boy) can't figure out how to talk to my sister (middle school age) when she has her irrational mood swings. She hasn't had her first period yet so I know she isn't having that kind of problem but I just asked her to finish doing dishes because I had homework. She did do them but got really angry and stormed into her room and slammed the door. She's been getting angry like this more often and I don't know if this is just a female puberty thing or if she's just spoiled from me being assigned most if not all chores since i'm older

(As a side note if there's any tips for when she DOES start her periods I'd be super grateful.)

Hopefully this is allowed in this sub, but I had some packages I was really looking forward to getting, and USPS says they were delivered, but I can't see them in my mailbox. I'm not gonna dox myself and put my address here, but I may have accidentally entered the wrong mailbox number. I think I got confused because every time I add my mailbox, it flags it as incorrect and makes a slight change to my address, and the mailman personally came and told me to put it the other way. But I think I may have entered the wrong one. (I know I'm stupid.)

There is a row of mailboxes, and mine says 114 C, but I put 16 C, and the tracking information says it's been delivered to my locker. I don't get it, though; a package was JUST delivered yesterday, and I got it just fine.

Genuinely, just need different points of advice or help or anything similar. There’s so much that’s weighing me right now.

Stuff at home with my partner, we have our fights but mostly get along. I still feel like I’m a burden most days.

One of my best friends just fucked off and got with someone no one likes, told her it will hurt her.

My family is always a mess. My parents are divorced, have been for like 15-18 years. But each side has issues. Dad and grandpa aren’t talking, brother is moving away at some point and isn’t talking to dad at all. Mom is super critical of any different opinions.

The fucking world. I know I am probably in the safest place I can be, but my mind and head overwork themselves so fucking much. What could happen, what is happening. Am I safe? What’s going to happen next?

Work is one of the only things that’s working good right now, but I still struggle to be any kind of happy.

When can I feel better, how do I not worry about the rest of the world and how it is going to affect me? How do I be happy?