What is the point if you?

It suddenly dawned on me the other day that I have been coping with grief these past 11 years. They have been a long dark road, a long spiral downward

I have seen my social circle collapse in on itself. That circle was due to my late partner. She was the social butterfly. To cope with her loss, I adopted a routine to get me through the day, weeks and months. They turned into years without me knowing it, seemingly. And the fact I have a milestone birthday coming up soon highlited the passage of time for me. I feel the urge to break out of this self-imposed straightjacket and taste something new of life, without ever being free of the memory of my loss. That I will carry with me to my grave.

With mod approval:

I have created a subreddit for widows and widowers over 60 who would like the support of their age community.

r/WidowedOver60

I wish we got our happy ending. Thank you for being my only friend when we met in HS the biggest love of my life for nearly half of my life.

Im 19 and after working a shitty fast food job the past 2 years I finally managed to land a well paying professional job. I can finally start making the money I need to move out of my moms house. Things have been looking up for me relatively, and I know my dad would be proud of me. I am just so fucking pissed that he isn’t here to tell me how proud he is. Every steppingstone will be without my dad for the rest of my life and I will never get used to it. There will be greater moments to come, none of which will include him. It’s shitty and I hate that I cant bring him back.

Dad had dementia and elderly onset diabetes. We didnt realise his agression and anger were dementia,I was often quite impatient and irritated with him, over the last 3 years.

All that changed when he went to a nursing home for the last 8 months of his life(we just couldnt manage). He got very good care but he gave up and visibly declined. I didnt want him there. I was heartbroken to see my stubborn feisty headstrong father,who argued and fought us, be like this. I saw him as much as I could and wept buckets about hin, over these last 8 months. I was with him when he died. I cant forgive myself for the previous years. I wish I had understood better what was going on.

I recently had a friend pass due to car accident. Young early 30s like myself. And it’s actually my first loss of a close friend or family. Between it being my first loss and it being a close friend I obviously am not taking it well. It’s been about a month and in comparison to how i have notice others accept death im nowhere near. They seem to handle it really well and i am having the hardest time functioning and being quote on quote normal. I’ve had decent days but as soon as i think im coming to terms with it i get hit with a huge wave. I woke up so anxious the other day I was physically sick, vomiting, etc. I read somewhere else that they had a harder time with the death of an unexpected tragic loss of a friend or partner, sibling etc who was younger in comparison to maybe a grandparent that they knew would pass before them. Is that common because i cannot shake the concept of someone you just expected to do life with so young losing their life so randomly. Idk how to readjust to a new reality because it’s all i think about. Real life feels like background noise. Grief is truly an insane feeling

TW suicide mentions

My best friend, I don't wanna use her real name so let's say Margaret (she'd find that hilarious), took her life during 2024 summer by jumping under a train. I found out because I took a train, the same route, same day, just an hour later. We had to be moved to a bus replacement service due to an "event on the train tracks". And the bus drove by the tracks, where a bloodied train stood by a red tent. She was only 16.

After her passing, I stayed in contact with her mom so she could give me the where and when of Margaret's funeral. And a couple days ago, I agreed to visit their house for the first time. Where Margaret lived, slept, ate, bathed, breathed, existed... I still have so many complicated and paradoxical feelings. It felt surreal, to say the least.

Her mom's an angel. She gave a couple books, 2 mugs, 2 plushies that once belonged to Margaret and loaded my bag with pounds of food. Her sister, who is much older, was there too.

Margaret took her life because a psychopath of a man broke her heart that day, but she loved him. As she was walking to the tracks, she was sending him voice mails, telling him what she's about to do. All he said in response was "don't die pls". He had over 30 minutes to call for help.

As much respect and love I have for Margaret's mom and sister, they made me listen to these voicemails. In the last couple ones, you can hear the train blasting it's horn. I could hear the desperation and pure agony in her voice. I could hear her telling that psycho she loves him and always will seconds before the train hit her. I could hear her saying how alone she feels.

I thought this visit would be healing for me in a way, maybe help me accept the fact she's really gone forever. But all it did was make me more miserable. I still see it, the red tent, right in front of me every time I close my eyes. And now I can hear the train horn as well, which is a detail I didn't ask for.

Her mom also talked about the autopsy, the police investigation, she showed me all evidence, including pictures of bruises on Margaret's body left by said psycho. And I can't decide if I should be thankful. On one hand, it was kind of (?) comforting to learn she died instantly upon impact and 99% wasn't in any pain. On the other, I now have to live with the knowledge of what was left in those last voicemails. I don't know if I'll ever visit them again, as much as I'd like to.

I miss you Margaret, always in my heart and deeper in my soul.

PS I apologize if this is written all over the place, English isn't my mother tongue.

Please read my petition for moms and dads to be able to get unkept vacant lots in the city of Detroit and trim them into Legacy Lots in honor of their child who was lost tragically in Detroit! This will do two things..it will help parents to healing knowing they have somewhere to beautify and create a safe space…second it will help others in that community to enjoy, gardening, flower beds, painting and community events, please sign this is a Great Cause ..I’m a grieving mom I list my only child my son Mickale!

https://c.org/R9kwZDgPdL