All my life, I've been scared of getting a low mark or a low rank. I don't know when it started or why it started, but all I know is that I've been afraid, almost fearing result days in general.
When I think about it, I'm scared of how my teachers, family, and friends would react to my marks. Regardless of whether my marks are good or bad.
I've always been scared of judgement, and this is a prime example of that.
But my fear has increased over the years, to the point where I wish that I wouldn't need to write the exam just to escape the fear and anxiety that the result day brings. And this is something that I want to change, but I just don't know how.
Because this fear of scoring low, fear of judgement, and fear of rejection has cost me my confidence and is slowly taking away my love for studying. I want to be the best at what I do, whether it be academics, projects, hobbies, and more. But this fear of mine holds me down.
I want to achieve so much in my life. I want to do everything I've ever wished to do. And I want to put in the effort to do all that. To study and become disgustingly well educated. To have all the opportunities that I want, all the doors of opportunity open because I put in the hard work and the effort.
And yet, when I study and when it comes to exams, tests, and assessments, I wish nothing more than not to write them.
I think it is the fear of disappointing my parents and my teachers, who would've hoped that I would do better.
I think it is the fear of my friends getting a better score and laughing and looking down at me.
But more than that, I think it is the dread and emptiness that I feel when I get a low mark that I fear too. I cannot bear to sit in silence with myself, knowing that yet again, I have done badly and disappointed the people around me and myself. I fear that I will lose hope in myself, that I will lose confidence in achieving my dream.
I want to stop being scared. I want to stop being afraid of what people would say, of judgment, of losing, and of the anxiety and fear that it brings me. I've already given up a few opportunities, like performing on stage or participating in interschool debates, because of my fear. And I want to overcome it.
So, I want to ask you guys. What do you guys do? How do you guys cope with the anxiety and fear when it comes to exams and assessments? Or anything that's nerve-wracking?