I also have no idea about denominations, but Quaker "churches" (they prefer the term "meeting houses" I think) tend to be very progressive. They're all about peace and acceptance.

100%, I hear you. Not everyone can do this and not everybody should. I don’t intend to judge people who walk away from someone being abused out of self-preservation.

I do think, though, that in a situation where it is not so much a question of capacity and more a question of someone not wanting to do work that is hard, painful, not living in the integrity of one’s beliefs all the time, that there is a kind of integrity in biting your tongue to live your values when you don’t get to speak them.

just gonna copy/paste from my other comment, not out of a lack of attention but because the response is genuinely the same:

oh 100%, not everyone CAN do this (staying by the person through it all) and sometimes you need to step away for your own health, THAT is understandable and fair, but the comment from the person I was actually responding to didn't cite that as their reason, they were standing more on clapback than on personal health distancing-- which is entirely unhelpful, despite people deciding that it will be.

I understand that you are the original OP I was responding to, so I do want to clarify: That is a very fair and valid reason to set distance, but just going "nahhh couldnt be me" in greater words to stand on principle rather than selfcare does not read that way at all. Apologies for not understanding what was not said out loud here

oh 100%, not everyone CAN do this and sometimes you need to step away for your own health, THAT is understandable and fair, but the comment from the person I was actually responding to didn't cite that as their reason, they were standing more on clapback than on personal health distancing-- which is entirely unhelpful, despite people deciding that it will be.

The abused person’s friends are people too. Sometimes being involved makes us get treated in toxic ways when the abused goes from one extreme to the other with their feelings on their abuser. Especially because these situations always drag on for years. We are allowed boundaries for our own safety and mental health. I grew up in a highly abusive home because my mom wouldn’t leave our dad. The odds of your women friends having first hand experience with abuse is incredibly high and we know how these situations escalate. I won’t ever victim blame but I am allowed to tell them their life is in danger and I am worried about them.

Do you see how this only helps you, and not her, though?

Like, if your goal is the moral grandstand of it, 100% thats your goal and I guess you’ll do that

But as someone who has survivied more than one abusive partner, the only people whose behavior actually helped were those who would secret agent around the abuser. 

They were able to compartmentalize, to act chill around my abuser so they could stick around and my abuser wouldnt cut them off, they were supporting and uplifting me behind closed doors until I was ready for them to help me make plans on the side to get the hell out of dodge. Those are the friends I still have, and I owe them my life. 

Had they not held their tongue, had they not been mindful and patiently strategic, my abuser would have forced them out, and I would likely either still be with that abuser or genuinely, dead. 

The “friends” who were impatient with me when I wasn’t capable of meeting the rational expectation, the folks who “i told you so’d” and left, they’re so much lesser in my mind and I’m glad they left to make room for those who did actually help. 

So i mean if your goal isnt to help the victim and instead hit the moral grandstand by dunking on this dude, you’re crushing it. 

If you actually want to help her and you care enough about her to take the time to do that, youve got a hell of a lot to learn. 

Abusive partners don’t typically start out abusive, so when they are you’re whole world is upside down and nothing properlu makes sense. You’re just waiting for that sweet guy to come back behind his eyes, scared and confused at how you pushed him away. That’s not the LOGICAL truth, but it IS the truth you FEEL, and in relationships with raw emotions and that level of fear involved, emotions tend to drive the bus until the breaking point is hit and the victim realizes that logic’s gotta take the wheel or they/their kids are probably gonna die

Seconding ACLU Know Your Rights Trainings

Bagels places, bakeries, etc

I hear your concerns and I think they're very valid. But also, what do you actually know. What is it that she has just told you, and what have you seen. If you're going off of just her words without any corroborating evidence, then you don't know anything. Either way, stepping out of the group is probably your best move. Whether or not you tell people why, for me, would depend on if I actually had a verifiable reason. I come at it from this perspective because I have been worked up by someone, who was telling me about all of her abuse, and it turned out to be all lies. I ended up looking like the fool for trying to out her non-existent abuser.

I don’t think it requires totally scuttling the idea of making a police report to say that it’s a wild situation to force someone into.

My advice is contingent on the evidence given to OP, naturally. I’m an attorney and have handled domestic abuse cases personally. I understand that the vibes from FNB is that police = bad, but in significantly more cases than not, abusers continue to abuse and escalate unless a report is filed and a restraining order is issued. I’ll take my downvotes considering the sub, but I do in fact know what I’m talking about here.

I’ll say it’s much better to encourage the abused person to file and have them do it. Your report may give rise to an investigation, but not much else.

Haha. I don’t bite my tongue. I don’t ever enable someone to stay. I will continue telling her that she needs to leave. If she decides that she doesn’t wanna talk to me it’ll be on her. I am not going to storm off. It’s not my style. I don’t plan to show up weekly and play nice with a garbage person however.

Yeah I have offered her a safe place if she needs it but that’s as far as I want to be involved with that. DV is no joke. I’m waiting for it to escalate anyway because I know from experience that it most likely will.

I’m not sure if I should say anything or not. This info was told to me in a hysterical phone call during a major fight between them and I don’t know more info. I don’t want to personally see the group destroyed, but I think that if what she said is true, he needs to step down or address it.

DO NOT file a police report about domestic violence without not just the consent, but the active prompting, of the person being abused.

Your choice to do that will put them in the path of a retraumatizing experience of questioning, disbelief, and victim blaming from police, and likely prompt their abuser to escalate abuse. This is seriously dangerous advice.

I think it’s reasonable to step back and it’s reasonable to tell people why.

That said, the only person who can decide that she’s going to leave him is her, and she needs people in her corner to support her, emotionally and materially, as she’s going through a horrible experience.

If you can, I encourage you to stay in her life as much as you can, yes, even if it means a lot of biting your tongue. Being someone who builds her up, and is there to help if and when she is ready to leave, (and maybe to warn women to stay away from him) could potentially do a lot more material good than storming off in righteous anger.

That’s not corruption, that’s just an abusive asshole. If he assaulted/battered her, encourage her to file a police report or do so yourself.

Domestic violence  is not just limited to those in far right or centrist circles. Are you looking for ways to warn the rest of your community about this person or are you just here to vent?

Subsidized government phones and subsidized government internet. Or this person wasn't using a phone and was using the internet a different way/different device/different location than home. Reddit isn't confined to mobile devices.

Looking into donating some

Do you ever go to resource fairs or other events where people table? Make connections and you can often get their leftover freebies when the event is over. Maybe even build relationships that will regularly supply you with items you can distro. We're getting a load of pride merch fanny packs that didn't sell and they get to write it off.

hey what about a fabric grocery bag donation drive? Everyone has a bazillion of those things they don't use

We put out clearly labeled wash sanitize and rinse bins. Then a clean bin. Then just show people.

I think bags found that cheap on Alibaba would almost certainly not be sturdy. You might have better luck with some kind of community bag drive (though I recognize that's a lot of work to organize!). Maybe you could try to set up a partnership with local secondhand stores to source backpacks from their donations?

Ask your local thrift store or garage sales for clothes that they would otherwise throw away, and have a sewing party! You can definitely get bags cheaper than 2.50 that way. If you offer to pick up, people will often give you stained or outgrown clothes for free. Make sure to sew way more durably than you think you'll need, and reinforce all seams with extra material.