I'm kinda grappling with the idea that I might be demi solely on the fact that I find it extremely hard to find "real" people attractive, like i won't have a problem feeling it towards a fictonal character or an actor if i like their precived personality but i feel like it could be explain through emotional attachment and build up that you get when watching a show. but at the same time I do have high libido, and i feel like it's kinda contradicting. So i was wondering if any of you experience something similar? Are you guys can experience libido outside a well astablish relationship? like only with yourself or with stories or characters that you made up?

Idk sorry if I don't make any sense...

I don't really like people that much. It's so hard to relate to "normal people's experiences". Over the course of the past month, I fell in love for the first time in over half a decade. To feel I want to be around a person because I actually want to, and not because that's what I'm supposed to do as a human being. I asked her out yesterday. And so she said the magic words: "You're really nice, but...". I was such a gentleman about it too, you should've seen me. She said she didn't have time for a relationship. Whatever that means. Honestly, it would've been better if she told I'm hideous or that she's seeing someone. She doesn't have time? That's ambiguous.

Recently I watched The Love Hypothesis and, as you may know, it has that line about demisexuality. And it triggered me so much. What do you mean I'm not normal?! How dare you. It's been in my head ever since. What do you mean what you do is normal? I wish this didn't happen to me, but it does. I've never seriously questioned this, but maybe that's because I simply can't conceive how people just don't feel the same way as me.

What do I do now? I can't go through it again. I just can't. I can't once again tell myself to go with the flow and against my desires. Could I fall in love again? Yeah! But how long would that take? God knows it took long enough this time, all to be over in barely a month. It's not worth it. I hate this. I feel so stupid, so broken. Why? Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just be a normal person and say "oh well!" and go on with my life. It crushes my soul. I feel horrible.

Anyway, I don't know how well this rant fits in this sub if you want to ban me that's alright fuck my fucking life

Out of respect to everyone involved I'm only going to provide the context that I feel is necessary. I'm currently in a long distance polyamorus relationship that consists of myself, my partner, and their partner ( who I will refer to as my metamour ) My side of the relationship did not start off sexual, as a demisexual ( and demiromantic) person it wasn't something I really desired until months later when our connection had deepened more. Our relationship became sexual after we met together in person last year, and it became something important to me. We had planned to continue exploring this together when I would next visit them.

However, a few days ago I was told that my metamour was no longer comfortable with us having a sexual relationship- possibly forever. Their reasoning was understandable, so I agreed to end that part of the relationship. I know I did the right thing, and my partner is doing everything they can to make it up to me and is being very attentive- however it all just hurts a lot. I feel like I have not just lost a part myself I was only just starting to learn about, but I now have to bury that part of myself that I don't know if I could ever have with anyone else. I just can't picture myself being sexual with anyone but them.

I'm not looking for any comments or criticisms about the situation, it's complicated and most of the information is just not mine to share. I'm looking for any advice on how to nurse this pain and grief. I'm going to be seeing my partner again soon in 2 months, we plan on moving in together in the future. I want to make this all work between all of us, but I'm very afraid of how much it's going to hurt when I see them knowing what I've lost. It doesn't help that this year has been very difficult for me, and this has just tanked my mental health further. Is there anything out there that we could do in place of sex that would soothe this pain?

I'm 25 demi male. And I took a 22 f on a friends date to the zoo. We met through Facebook dating and she said she was only really looking for friends. But in person she randomly told me she was single but keeps in relationship status on Facebook to confuse her friends. So does that mean she's open to dating? Idk

And she does know I'm Demi and I'm looking for long term relationship. Idk I'm terrible with hints

I basically like her as a person and that's attraction enough for me to know I want to date her. Sexual attraction isn't important to me but I'm sure that will likely come eventually anyway. have never been in a relationship or had sex. And I just really want to find my person now.

I basically want to know when is a good time to tell her I want to date her. Unfortunately I'm working away for 8 weeks so i can't take her on any dates right now. So is it a good idea to wait and ask if she would like to go on a date when I get back. Or do I tell her now. Or do I ask her on another friends date and tell her how I feel on that date in person.

I'm terrified I might mess it up just because of bad timing. Like she ends up finding someone else or I overshare and become less mysterious and attractive and get friend zoned again.

And yes I know there will be more people come along in the future, she isn't the first girl I've liked and asked out. And there will be more I know. I just want to know I'm doing it right and not ruining it by doing something stupid like waiting too long.

And should I ask her what she's looking for relationship wise first. She shares a lot of reels on insta about wanting a relationship, but then her dating bio said only really looking for friends. Idk

Hey guys

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on how I experience attraction, but I'm feeling quite confused about it all. Please be understanding as I try to figure things out and share my thoughts!

Basically, I don't feel excited or feel physical arousal even when kissing someone, unless I've known them for a very long time and established a genuine connection first. Without that connection, physical intimacy just feels empty or neutral to me.

At the same time, I find it exhausting to go through the early stages of getting to know people through messaging just for the sake of dating. It takes so much time for me to even develop the desire to kiss someone, and texting feels boring when there's an expectation of quick romantic interest.

Does anyone else feel this way? How did you realize you were demisexual, and how do you navigate dating when getting to know people takes so much time?

I'd love to hear your experiences or thoughts!

Hello! I consider myself demisexual/demiromantic in that I only experience attraction after forming an emotional connection. I also have intermittent sex repulsion. However I'm confident this is due to cPTSD. Is there a place on reddit (or elsewhere on the internet) that people like me gather? I understand that the narrative of "I'm demisexual/asexual due to trauma" can be triggering to folks who are just born this way, so I don't know that this community would be the best one for me to post in. I want a space to explore the way that trauma impacted my sexuality and also the ways its changing as I heal. Does that already exist somewhere?

Hi , I wonder Is anyone else like this?

For context, forming deep emotional connections with people takes a lot out of me emotionally. Because of that, I’ve always found it hard to get really close to anyone, let alone be in a romantic relationship. I also don’t desire any casual physical contact or sex unless there’s a solid emotional bond—without that connection, it honestly just feels gross to me.

Im close to 30, I recently had my first boyfriend. Since it was my first relationship, I was pretty out of practice, and i ended up bumped after less than three months.

We slept together while we were dating. Before having sex, I didn't think much of it, but after I did, I realized how much I actually enjoyed that intimacy.

Now that we’ve split, I miss that physical connection so much.
The thing is, I can't even imagine doing that with anyone else without emotional connection . The thought of being with another person just doesn't work for me.

Are there other people out there who feel this way?
I really hope that whenever I fall in love again—even if I have no idea how long that will take—I'll be able to get through this naturally.

I feel just kind of a sense of being talked down to if I share with someone I don’t do casual sex. Like that I’m a child or less emotionally mature because I don’t want to do that. I’m trying to find a way (for therapeutic reasons) to better put this into words, so if anyone shares this experience please let me know.

I've only ever had a genuine crush on one of my friends, so these feelings are so unfamiliar to me. I have been close friends with this person for a couple years and there are things that make me feel like maybe I do like them, but on the other hand I don't? We have always been physically affectionate with each other like hugging and sitting close to each other which is pretty normal for someone I'm close with. I wouldn't really say I want to kiss them or do traditionally romantic things like that. Ig it's just the desire for physical closeness and there's like random small moments that make me nervous ???

I am 24 years old, and I only just discovered that I am demisexual after going through periods of distress and anxiety regarding my personal history and my virginity; in fact, I almost hired a sex worker to lose it, but honestly, I just can't bring myself to do it. It’s a difficult situation; I think that, in many ways, demisexuality is a much more obscure or unknown topic than homosexuality or being transgender—or at least, fewer people recognize it as a sexual orientation. I am an atheist and a classical liberal; before I realized I was demisexual—but while explaining how my sexuality works—people used to think I was a weird religious zealot, a conservative, or something of the sort, and I hate that. Also, because I’m an attractive man, girls have wanted to sleep with me literally since I was 14 or 15, yet I never felt that desire toward them; some people thought I was gay or simply too "innocent" and puritanical. It was strange growing up demisexual while also being very sociable: by the time I was 14 or 15—in my final year of middle school—some friends had already lost their virginity, and that number grew exponentially in high school; hearing my friends' stories about their sexual encounters made me uncomfortable. Also, until I was 16, I thought I might be gay, until I realized I wasn't—though I’m not a conventional heterosexual person either. On the other hand, the Catholic Church's concepts of "celibacy" and "abstinence" always struck me as odd; I mean, how hard can it be not to sleep with anything that has a hole? Anyway, after finishing high school, I started working in male-dominated environments—like warehouses or factories—surrounded by men who often acted in sexist ways and displayed "toxic" masculinity; They would always talk about spending the night with strangers, sex workers, or female colleagues. I felt very uncomfortable, and the situation became awkward for me when they asked me about it. Today, after deep reflection on my life, I’ve discovered that I am demisexual, with certain sapiosexual traits. It’s also complicated because most women on Tinder are looking for casual encounters or no-strings-attached sex, while those who want a relationship aren't a good match for me. I don't know how to start my "sex life," and that feels strange to me. I think the clearest proof of my demisexuality is that, back when I smoked marijuana (I started at 15 and quit recently), my allosexual friends—who already had plenty of sexual experience—often believed that the part of the plant smoked in a joint was the leaf rather than the cannabis flower; that’s when I realized that if I had shared the same interest in sex as most people, I probably would have lost my virginity at 15 or 16. As I said, I don't know how to begin a "romantic" life; it’s hard to identify as demisexual, since it’s a complex concept that requires a lot of introspection. Thanks for reading.

Sorry if this is not the correct community! I figure demisexuality is probably related to this struggle, but I guess I am about to find out.

So I know anxiety is a bitch and stomach issues surrounding first dates is super common, but I'm curious to know if anyone else has my particular brand?

When I meet someone new and I think I might like them, everything is fine and I don't have too much anxiety. BUT if they turn around and like me back? If we go on a date and it goes really well? Illness. I end up pooping five times or more in a day—it's like I have a pooping UTI but with no pain, just the unfulfilled need to poop. I literally feel like I have a hangover despite not drinking alcohol. Or like I have consumed too much citrus and chilli, and my stomach feels inflamed (which it probably is, because anxiety yay). There's a slight general nausea, but I never vomit. The thing is, I'm not actually sick with a stomach bug or anything contagious, but finding the right thing to eat is rather difficult because my stomach is angry.

It's confusing, because it's mixed in with attraction. It's taken me MANY years to figure out whether I actually like the person, or if it's because I really don't like them. It's wild and intense, and I'm getting better at navigating it, but goddamn! It is not fun.

I've met people who vomit before every date for like the first five dates with any one person, but I've not met anyone who feels unwell like me for a whole day afterward. Let me know if you're out there!

Tl;dr: post first date anxiety issues despite being basically fine prior

Edit: maybe it is not necessary, but i would like to clarify that when i say 'date' i am not meaning sex, or any kind of physical intimacy really. Being cripplingly anxious to the point of physical illness is not a sexy time ... post good date is hibernation time for me lol

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some insight and perspective.

My boyfriend is demisexual with responsive desire, and I am an allosexual with spontaneous desire. In terms of how our attraction works, we are pretty much opposites, and while we communicate a lot, I sometimes struggle to truly wrap my head around his experience.

He is very visually oriented—he loves good design, aesthetics, great outfits, and he definitely notices when a woman is conventionally attractive.

As an allo, my sexual attraction can trigger in a split second just based on visual cues, even with a complete stranger. Because of that, my brain has a hard time grasping how a demisexual person can look at an exceptionally attractive person and feel zero physical/sexual response.

So my question is: What does it actually feel like for you when you see an extremely attractive person (of the gender you are oriented toward)?

How would you describe that feeling or thought process? What is happening in your mind and body instead of sexual desire? Is that something partner can be jealous of?

We talk about this openly, but I would really love to hear analogies or descriptions from other demis so I can understand his world a little better. Thank you so much!

Reposting from r/demiromantic.

Saw someone else vent about demiromantic experience and wanna share my frustrations because I don't feel like anybody else in my friend circle would understand.

Throughout my whole life, I've only ever been able to have crushes on friends that I know for at least a month and who I am somewhat close with. And every single time it was a failure. The last one happened this week and just can't fucking take it anymore. I am trying to accept that happy and mutually loving relationship is just a non-existent thing, or that I am just cursed for a life of eternal suffering. I just can't, the person I had a crush on doesn't have one on me. It took me months, FUCKING MONTHS for it to even be possible to have a crush on them, and it failed. Again. Just like it always fucking does. What's the point ? I don't want to go through such an excruciating experience again. Befriending another person (which happens once in a fucking lifetime btw), becoming close (which takes months), and then gambling again. I see all these posts of people in happy relationships all the time. Do I not deserve it ? Is there something wrong with me ? Why the fuck am I like this ?? Just why ???? Why can't I be just fully alloromantic or aromantic ??? Why do I have to put up with this shit every single time ????????? WHY ??????? I didn't ask for this, I never wanted this, and yet here I am, suffering from something completely out of my control. I hate my life so fucking much.

Odio no poder dormir con una chica que me parezca atractiva porque necesito y quiero sentirme querido.

Mientras otras personas disfrutan su sexualidad como quieren, yo tengo que resignarme a masturbarme porque dormir con un desconocido simplemente no es para mí.

Ahora, capaz pienses que la respuesta es "fácil": conocer a alguien a fondo.

Pero el punto es que a los 28 no quiero conocer a nadie más. No puedo amar a otra persona sabiendo que mi corazón le pertenece a alguien más. No voy a desperdiciar el tiempo y la energía de una chica ni dejar que se haga ilusiones sobre mí, sabiendo que ni siquiera voy a poder darle el 50% de mi amor.

De verdad no quiero conocer a nadie más

Pero sí quiero tener experiencias sexuales, para cumplir mis fantasías

Pero lo casual no es lo mío

Estoy intentando no recaer en una adicción al porno.

Masturbarme solo me parece aburrido.

Lo peor es que tengo una libido bastante alta.

Pero no quiero conocer a nadie más.

¿Eso significa que estoy condenado/a?

I just need to express this to someone. It sucks to fall in love with your friends. I mean, I love it but I hate it. I don't really want to date strangers because it seems too mechanical of a dynamic. I end up falling for my friends who are either not there yet or not in love even if we dated for a time and the chemistry was and is still crazy (to the point where I was sure she was also in love with me). Slow dating is an option but sounds like a red flag for a situationship for most people. The worst part is I kind of crave for a romantic relationship. I miss it so much. I want to concentrate more on other parts of my life but I always daydream about love.

How do you get your friends off your mind?

We are in October now meaning through online and in public I’ve seen hundreds or even thousands of men but may have only seen 3 I found attractive. The main reason I found them attractive is because they remind me of a person I had a connection with in the past. I am only now looking into this so I’m not in the know how it works.

I’m reaching out hopefully to get some answers. I 29F was never comfortable having sex on the first date. I like dating but I find getting to know people to be the most beautiful part of it. Once they brought up physical touch or it getting hot or heavy I was immediately disinterested. I don’t like sexy talk too soon or nudes. I’ve had hook up experiences before (at the time I thought that’s what you do) but it always felt awkward after and I felt so much shame and guilt it wasn’t what I wanted. (Granted I did consent to it) It wasn’t until I got into my first relationship @ 23 when after 8months later was when I was able to enjoy it. Ngl porn kinda fucked me up growing up with it. I knew what I wanted a relationship feel like but it so far hasn’t happened yet. When did you know you were demisexual?

I'm feeling like an asexual lately (I'm questioning but I feel like it's close), and I'm confused why my whole life was I getting attracted to people (girls primarily but subconsciously boys too (I'm born male)) but those attractions seem to disappear the more seriously I think about doing something about it. And I think a big part is that I do wanna express love towards them, but not necessarily in that way. But I got too used to thinking that I'm supposed to express my love through sex.

When I see it like that then suddenly I don't feel like sex is necessary.

But the thing is, if there's someone I like really deeply, then suddenly I feel like i want to do all the gross sex things. No matter really how they look or what gender they are. I see it like an erotic way to express my love all over their body...

If I ever experience sexual attraction, then that must be it.

But does it make sense that I don't care what they look like?

What do you guys think?

So I been diagnosed with IBS since 2021 and around then was when I found I was demisexual, and I feel like both together have just been even harder to work with

I'm 25 never really dated in highschool/college which I learned cause I was searching for a real connection with emotional ties while most were just hooking up or just dating to date
It never really bothered me being single, but I do still yearn for that connection, and one instance where I met someone through a game that almost turned into something but at the end of it just remained very good friends which I was still fine with

But overall I find it even more of a struggle to connect with someone irl or online, even making new friends which is kinda my only way to have a connection to find a relationship, because of my ibs keeping me from living an active life, I tend do be online more but even there it still causes issues and feel like it just ain't in the cards for me sometimes

Im wondering how many of us have an anxious disposition?

Ie:over-thinking, always worrying about things, maybe only feeling safe with a handfull of selected people*

I wonder if it bc our overthinking that we are able to question the way ho we experience atraction, and how we find out we are demi.

I know I’m a couple days late for coming out day but I really wanted to post this. I chickened out at the time but I want to finally accept who I am.

I’ve known I’m bi for a long time, and I thought I was done discovering things about my orientation. But over a year ago I came to the realisation that I might also be demi, and when I tell you I was terrified!! 😭 I hated the feeling of alienation, feeling nauseous when people talk about their dating lives as if it’s so easy.. hearing my coworker mock a girl for having her first kiss at 20. At the time I had zero dating experience and it made me feel defeated, realising I might never fulfil this part of life that everyone says is so amazing, and more importantly, normal. All because of something I couldn’t change.

So I did something stupid. I tried to change it. I spent most of this year on dating apps, and I was absolutely miserable. Constantly anxious, feeling like a shell of myself whenever I was seeing someone. It was like I was putting on a performance. And the worse I felt, the more awful experiences I had, the harder I tried to force it. “This time it’ll work. This time I’ll fall in love. This time I’ll feel comfortable.“

But nothing changed. I was living this lifestyle I thought I’d be happy with, but I felt like a zombie. I wasn’t myself. And it was devastating; I wanted to be happy with it so badly, because what was the alternative? I’m ostracised and everyone pities me for being alone? I fall for a friend one day and risk getting rejected? Everyone pairs off with their perfect stranger on dating apps and I’m left all by myself? I witness people, even my friends, getting into these instant relationships and it’s hard not to feel jealous. But I could never do what they did; my brain just isn’t wired that way. So now that I’ve stopped forcing romance into my life, it’ll hopefully find me in a more fulfilling, beautiful way than I ever imagined.

It’s still really scary to accept that I’m demi, and the pessimism hasn’t gone away overnight. But the alternative is that I don’t live my truth. That I force myself to smile and nod and kiss a stranger who I feel nothing for. I don’t want that. I want to fall in love with someone who truly gets me, who I feel safe around, who I know deeply and trust without question. And even if I can’t have that, even if I never fall in love or I only ever get rejected, I’m still happier being single than I would be in a forced, fake relationship.

It’s been just over a week since I moved out of home and got my first rental with a friend from high school, finally having a space free of drama and negative air has led to a wave of emotions and feelings and an opportunity to look within and gain a deeper understanding of my sexuality and my personal lived experience. Modern dating, the apps and such just feel like they go completely against my natural and are super unnatural

Another friend of mine has been at the front of my mind all week and after reading, researching and writing my thoughts down Ive come to this conclusion, I don’t feel any sexual or romantic attraction towards her beyond what emotional intimacy we’ve built over the years, but I’ve recently just learned about QPR and relationship anarchy and it’s been so liberating.

I have this strong desire for physical affection, hand holding, hugging, cuddling but there’s also a hit of intimacy in there too, touching, caressing and stroking ect. I feel so incredibly safe and comfortable with her and just enjoy being near her. But coming from a place of no dating or relationship experience this realisation feels both exciting and completely ridiculous and silly.

Sometimes I wish I could just meet people and feel that spark but then the ace part of my brain is like “eww stranger shape, no, we like friend shape”

I feel like I’m too picky. I know I need that emotional connection before there any kind of attraction developing but I feel like I don’t give anyone the chance to make the connection. I get the ick over everything. Compliments, ick. Flirting, ick. Pet names, ick. I just want to have a platonic conversation to start and 99% of the people I talk to push that boundary and it gives me the ick. Does anyone else deal with anything like this or have advice on how to be less picky with the people I talk to?

Hello,
First time writing on here, but felt the need to share.
I usually feel perfectly fine with being single, and most of the time I'm having a blast, but a couple days ago I was invited to a football match and met up with some friends. We are all about the same age (mid to late twenties), and half of them are already in relationships; others are getting married or planning to have babies. After coming home that day, I felt like I was falling behind in the romantic relationships department and started spiraling, questioning if there was something wrong with me. It's been about four years since my last relationship—or situationship, would be more accurate-- during these years I've been on quite a few dates but have never really felt a connection with someone. I am also demisexual, so I don't go about doing one-night stands, since this isn't something I am very comfortable with. I don't trust very easily, and it takes a while for me to feel comfortable enough to open up, but once I do, we're in it for life, folks. Generally, I have no issues making friends; in fact, I love making new friends/connections and meeting new people, but when it comes to intimacy, I get scared and back down.
If you've read this far, thanks! Was just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience.

25m I’m currently living in a small town and plan to move to a new state around next summer.

It sucks because I realllly want a gf but I just don’t know how this would work out, I can’t expect someone to move with me after less than a year of knowing each other. I’ve had the goal of leaving for years and I’ve finally been given the opportunity so for my mental health, I can’t stay. For personal reasons, I can’t leave early/ now.

It’s so unfortunate because I can’t just have a FWB that I cuddle with to find some release. I’ve had similar relationships that just lead to committed relationships.

I cant mutually hookup with girls to find release because I need the connection which takes time which leads into feelings beyond lust.

It just sucks lol, do you guys have any advice? I just wanna run my hands through someone’s hair and fall asleep with their head on my chest.

And yes I have self-control, patience, and I won’t rely on a partner for happiness, I’m just venting about having pent-up feelings. I hope everyone’s having a good Monday