Might get down voted for this post but honestly I just need to vent.

So for context - I've been anorexic for my years now and am serverly underweight.

My body is pretty well broken and stuffed. I break my bones all the time, am always bruised and sore, can barely walk, can not run or lift anything that is heavy and struggle with simple daily tasks things like opening a can - just literally all the simple things are a mission, I barely sleep and am always exhausted, my skin is dry and my hair is just so super thin it's ridiculous. You know the rest - there's so many other things that have destroyed my body, these are just some.

I'm just over it. My body is clearly failing but it just won't give out. I've wrecked my marriage, my 14 year old now stays with her Nana almost 24/7 because I can barely look after myself and I have seizures and sadly my daughter has seen these which scares the shit out of her and that's completely fair enough.

Anyway the vent part, Anorexia Nervosa... They say it's the #1 most deadly mental health disorder but if that's the case, why the fuck am I still here and alive after doing/dealing with this for years? Why do people live so long in general? How can people survive over 10 years even though they are absolutely screwed..

Like I'm not going to purposely commit suicide, I don't think I have that in me. But I just want to be out of this miserable life I live. I feel at this point I have nothing to live for and I've lost all of my independence, I can't drive anymore, had to leave my job like I can't physically work anymore etc I have to rely on other people for help now like just take me out already AN my life is literally pointless I have no purpose anymore

Edit: Just for reference I have reached out for help many times, offered to go inpatient, counciling etc and I have been turned down every time. So I have tried and really don't need that kind of advice. We have a shit medical system here in NZ 🇳🇿 I tried and it failed me. Like I said life is pointless..

this is both funny and absolutely miserable at the same time. it's late at night and I'd just binged like mad on stuff that wasnt just filling but also totally nauseating (think grease, chocolate, bla bla bla), and was reaching the end of the binge and getting ready to purge it back up .... until the fire alarm went off. the fire alarm where i live (shared student housing) is weird and sometimes only goes off for like 2 seconds before turning off, but it stayed on this time and i had to stand outside with like, 30+ other people in torrential rain with the most insane nausea ive ever had. You know when you've just binged and you already have the gag reflex triggering because it knows whats coming next, i was fighting for my damn life standing in the freezing cold not to vomit up an insane amount of food next to these totally normal people 😭 and the worst part is we were standing outside for so long, i couldnt even properly purge the food when i got back LMFAOOO (it hurt like hell i dont recommend purging anyway but especially not after that long)

i guess it's a blessing in disguise but to me that's just a total night ruiner because now i'm feeling so full with no way to fix it . Anyways hope you enjoyed my kinda funny story and have a better night/day than me cuz i feel like shiiiit

I have been bulimic from the ages of 11 to 17 then I stopped after I started drinking heavily as that became my new vice. At 20 I stopped drinking and from 20 to 26 fell back into my ed.

At the end of September I noticed my gums were receding and pain was developing in my teeth which absolutely terrified me.

On October 1st I made a vow to myself to do whatever it takes to break the addiction and recover. Though, it has only been 2 weeks since then, I have learned alot. I did have 2 setbacks but would like to share my process to those who may need it.

The first 4 days were absolute hell. I wanted to consume everything in my fridge, cabinets, pantry. I downloaded and deleted doordash multiple times. Had aniexty attacks. Cried. My mood was kind of cranky. I had issues sleeping. I hated it.

But I learned you need to sit with those feelings. You need to face them and work with your brain to fight against them.

My body knew it wasn't hungry, but my brain seen the bp as a stress relief. It needed that release because that is who I trained my brain over the years to handle stress and emotions.

I ate very little those days (a sandwich, handful of grapes, ramen) in an attempt not to bp and knew I had to avoid sugar as that was a huge trigger for me.

But I wasn't bloating anymore. I didn't feel so stiff in my stomach and that disgust that lingers from bp.

And then I felt true hunger that I haven't felt in so long. My stomach was growling, I genuinely needed food for my body and not for the voices in my head.

But as I ate a real full meal, my mind went through the trenches to try and get me to fall back and by the 8th day, I did bp and the disgust I felt was absolutely terrible. I hated myself so much for falling back after doing good for so long.

Then the process repeated of fighting the voices in my head and try to develop a healthy relationship with my body, mind and food. On the 11th day, I fell back again.

Now today, on 10/15, I have not bp'd in 3 days and can say after those 2 setbacks, which I do not shame myself for as it is apart of recovery, I know how to handle things a bit better.

It feels like my body and mind are learning from eachother and the honest truth is you need to keep yourself busy and distracted as much as you need to learn to sit with those voices in your head and overcome them.

Yes, distractions are good and do help, but if you do not know how to face yourself head on, you won't know what it takes for you to recover, (in my experience atleast)

Thank you for reading, I tried to word this correctly as this process is still hard for me to type out emotionally wise.

I wish you all well🫶🏻

I haven’t bp in 10+ years. Tonight, I am struggling.

Tell me how much sushi (cucumber roll) would hurt to purge?
I feel like it would HURT

I’m so freaking happy and motivated right now I can’t believe I’ve come this far after being stuck for months on end and it’s honestly been pretty easy since I’ve been eating balanced and nutritious meals, I don’t even feel like snacking much!! This week was especially amazing because I bought so many comfortable clothes that I can actually tolerate and it was all 60% off!!! Not to mention I finally got ADHD medication today and I think I feel better, I’m calm but happy at the same time and I feel so locked in 😮‍💨👌

after tomorrow when i eat with my mom (Which will be an omad day) I will likely not eat for 2-3 more days. just posting a random though :/

O céu é que mesmo após comer insanas quantidade de comidas e ficar super estufado, após sair do banheiro sai até mais leve e "magro" do que antes. O inferno é que aproximadamente 10-20 minutos dentro desse banheiro são completamente horrendos, eu me sinto horrível fazendo isso, me sinto um lixo, além de tem que forçar muito pra sair, a garganta arde sem contar a sujeira e o cheiro horroroso que fica, esse tempo é o inferno pra mim e infelizmente não consigo superar, é mais forte do que eu.

I keep doing it and telling myself this is gonna be the last one, that tomorrow I will start fresh. But I wake up and again. It's a nightmare, It's been years. Please help. How to really stop it?

It's weird because I am not a religious person but I have this fear of God punishing me because all this food wasting when million of people die of hunger. I am a horrible person. How do you deal with this?

how many days would i need to be clean from b/p so that the swelling under my jaw can disappear if i've been b/p multiple times everyday for 5-6 months

I feel stupid. I was 3 days clean after months of not even trying to recover, and I was so proud of myself for getting through 3 days with little issue. I thought it might really be the start of a full recovery, but I was obviously wrong.
I relapsed last night and stayed up till 4am binging and purging, and then I’ve overeaten and purged and ruminated all day today. I’m finally ready to try again, but I feel so stupid.
I know that bulimia face gets worse before it gets better, and I just feel stupid for redoing all my progress. My appearance is basically the only motivator atm for getting better, because bulimia has completely wrecked the way i look. It sucks because I’m pretty thin but I look so bloated and gross, and my skins horrible, and everything in my face looks wrong. And even though you can see my ribcage, it’s always massive and bulging because I’m constantly bloated from all the shit I eat.
I’m really really unhappy with myself, but I just don’t know how to stop.
I wish I could just wipe my brain of anything to do with this stupid disorder and live like any normal oblivious person.
I wonder how many hours I’ll last this time.

Hey guys!

Whenever I stop purging after the 24 hour mark my salivary glands gets super swollen ( LIKE SUPER FUCKING SWOLLEN, somehow without any pain just my ears feel weird ), I made a post abt this a few weeks ago asking for advice on how to reduce it but nothing seem to work

right now I want advice on how the FUCK do I deal with this MENTALLY?
I don’t want anyone to see me and i keep telling myself fuck it I’m gonna purge because it’s the ONLY THING that makes it look better :(. What helps me is saying “it’ll pass” a million times but when I look in the mirror I’m like fuck this.

Sorry a lot of my posts about my chipmunk 🐿️ face because it’s truly making my spiral. :( even sharing success stories of those who managed to surpass this phase is helpful because right now I’m so hopeless.

Last week I decided to get my blood tested because I kept feeling unwell, cramps and muscle movement all that stuff. My hand also paralyzed itself. I went to my doctor about the results today and I feel terrible because its good. It feels so invalidating (and also I don't know wtf is going on because why do I have these symptoms but all is fine?).

My potassium is at 4.7, they didn't check my magnesium and my sodium was a bit higher than it should be. I should be happy, since I already had to get a potassium IV before and hated it but I really don't get it :( I don't wanna be sick, and I'm glad but also I wanna be sick and be validated by it.

I just hope that one day I can be fully happy about being healthy.

went to the ER recently because of crazy sharp chest pain and shortness of breath. they ended telling me its costoconditus and a panic attack. honestly i think b/p is catching up to me bad because before this when id purge id feel my heart palpitate and id feel like super dizzy and weak. this has cause me to have crazy health anxiety well knowing b/p is super straining to your body.

since my diagnosis when id try to purge, right after id have crazy chest pain and heart palpitations so i haven’t been able to purge at all. the stress on that is making me want to eat more and more and forgetting i cant just purge it all making me even more stressed. ive stopped for now but i think its my sign to go into recovery. and get anxiety meds. the thought that im gaining sm weight from eating makes me feel disgusting but also the thought of not eating at all makes me nervous im gonna pass out and die. i just feel horrible and stressed and am in mental and physical pain.

please don’t comment anything about health or about me needing to go to the hospital. all my vitals and scans came back normal plus it will make my anxiety worse. honestly if u have experienced this or going through this i’d love some insight on how to navigate this.

I’m 3 months postpartum and really struggling right now. I’m in the very early stages of recovery from bulimia, and I’m also struggling with alcohol.

The hardest part is that I didn’t purge at all during my pregnancy. I was able to get through the entire pregnancy without doing it, and I think part of me hoped that meant I had finally moved past that part of my eating disorder. But since giving birth, I’ve been struggling again, and it’s been really hard mentally to deal with.

Alcohol has become a really complicated part of this for me. Sometimes when I drink, I end up not eating, which feeds into the eating disorder in a different way. Other times, drinking makes me more impulsive and reckless, and I end up wanting to binge and purge. It feels like either way, alcohol is making my recovery harder.

Being postpartum has added another layer to everything. I’m dealing with exhaustion, hormones, a huge life change, and all the emotions that come with having a new baby, while also trying to manage my eating disorder and my relationship with alcohol.

I feel disappointed in myself because I made it through my entire pregnancy without purging, and now I’m struggling again. I know recovery isn’t linear, but it’s hard not to feel like I’ve gone backwards.

I want to recover. I want to be healthy for myself and my baby, but right now it feels overwhelming trying to manage all of this at once.

Has anyone else experienced a return of bulimia postpartum after not engaging in behaviours during pregnancy? Has alcohol been a trigger for anyone else, either by making you restrict or by leading to binging and purging?

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar. I feel pretty alone in this right now, and I could really use some reassurance that struggling again doesn’t mean I’ve lost all the progress I made during pregnancy.

Sorry if this has been asked multiple times but im very confused and kind of paranoid after hearing this from my therapist. I've been b/p'ing almost daily for months and I started b/p'ing 2 years ago. Is it true you absorb "at least" 50% of the calories and absorption happens in the mouth? I can't help but think this is a scare tactic because I've lost weight from bulimia and maintained an underweight bmi despite my binges running into 7k+. I feel like even if I retained half I would be overweight and I don't think dehydration can mask the amount of fat I would've gained.

A subtle yet clearly powerful mental shift has happened to me and I've gone 2 days without b/p after a crazy long period of endless b/p nonstop (I know its still early days). I found a bit more motivation to TRULY stop rather than a half-arsed attempt where I forget all techniques straight away.

I made a shitty bracelet at work recently that says "BPF" with beads (meaning "b/p free"). I wear this all day, and only take it off if I end up binging. It's a way of holding myself accountable and awesome to wake up wearing it the next day. I'm finding that this physical and visual embodiment of "being clean" is really helping me. I feel like a child with a sticker, and I'm letting myself feel that way if it means it works.

It might help at least one of u!

(It is very subtle to notice but if anyone did ask, I'd say a child made it for me and chose random letters. If someone at work asks though, I'll say it is the initials of a family member.)

Also, during a b/p a while ago, I ended up taking a photo of myself sat on the bathroom sink to one day try and paint (hopefully to make a collection I can use for a some sort of charity gallery one day). I started painting the image and it felt weirdly therapeutic as if I was telling someone about it all, or as if i was channeling the whole b/p addictive experience and pain but in a less destructive way. Perhaps its a form of self pity. But also it helps to visualise and have a tangible reminder of how bad b/p truly feels for myself.

I purge, I drink monster, I can’t tell the dentist bc of my parents (I’m a kid)

Advice? pls no straight up “just tell your parents”

(possible tw for mentions of weight/size)

i don't understand how people can so openly and freely make fun of people with BED.

i'm almost finished with an emt-basic course, and we just got through the chapter on special populations, which includes bariatric (very large) patients. other students made comments and jokes when we got to that section, as if we aren't learning how to help real people.

maybe i'm dramatic. i don't know.. it hurts part of me really badly i think because i'm fully aware that if i never learned to purge, it's very likely i'd be in that exact same position. the only difference between me and someone who's that large is that i throw up. fuck, i probably binge more than a good portion of people with BED. i've never enjoyed purging. i can't stop eating. the only reason i purge is to avoid weight gain. for me, it's the same addiction with a different outcome.

part of what makes it so hard for me to recover is how unrelenting the general population is toward bigger people. i became anorexic after gaining covid weight because people treated me like shit when i was big. then i got thin, and people congratulated me. eventually, they started to worry about me. nobody ever worried when i was big; i was ignored or laughed at. when i couldn't keep up continuously starving myself, i became bulimic.

it's getting to a point where i'm rambling, but yeah. idk. i think i've struggled with food obsession and idealization since i was a kid. i wish people had more empathy for those who struggle with binge eating. the way society makes a spectacle out of big people disgusts me.

idk if anyone else does this but after i go over my calorie limit, i basically go through the stages of grief but instead of acceptance it's like "fuck it i've already ruined everything, i might as well eat whatever i want now" and it triggers a whole B/P episode. it's so illogical and genuinely so frustrating because i will be feeling so so much guilt already and then my brain does everything in its power to make it worse

it always happens on the days where i have to study for something important like an exam and can't really afford to waste my time being a disordered mess too. ughhhhhhhhhhhh

Brzuch pełen słodkich rozczarowań, boli i ciąży a miało być lepiej

Lepiące rączki co miały ukochać, szczypią wałeczek i śmieją się ze mnie

Wrasta się we mnie ciężki strach, który jest głodny wciąż bardziej  i bardziej

Szuka w spiżarni natrętnych myśli, lukrowych smutków i gorzkich nadzień

Nie chcę już dłużej dawać mu jeść

Karmić trucizną wyrzutów sumienia

Przecież ten cały piękny świat

Jest już teraz dla mnie do zjedzenia.

Chcę wyjść i połknąć czyste powietrze, haustem pić lekkie chmury

Oddychać musem czystego tlenu, wzrastać już teraz tylko do góry

Zrzucić balast poczucia winy, ciężkiego jak chałwa albo marcepan

Nadal nadzieja we mnie jest, że pewnego dnia będzie lepiej.

I hope this flair is the correct one but basically I purged lots yesterday and haven’t done so at all today and ate relatively normally still restricting but not as intense as usual and now I feel like im drunk but im not actually drunk? The best way I can explain it is my body is like 2 seconds behind my mind, I feel super woozy whenever I stand up and im also super cold .. but also hot. I’m also at a bpm of around 90-110 resting when my usual bpm is around 45-55

outside of b/ping I do drink a LOTTT of Coke Zero and water so idk how it could be dehydration especially considering I haven’t b/pd today

is this bulimia related or am I perhaps just ill ?? any advice appreciated

I fucking hate everything I am so tired, I can't eat without feeling incredibly paranoid and nauseous, vomiting is a major part of my life, I'm starting to associate all food with throwup, I imagine it not as it is, but mixed with bile, chewed up, coming back up. I hate hate hate hate it so much I wish I could just be normal what have I done to my body? What the fuck is this, it's pure torture I need to stop but I can't stop. Even when I don't eat, I just end up vomiting into my mouth after drinking coffee or too much water or anything really, I'm just nauseous and paranoid all the time.

I used to be "bad" at purging, but now vomiting is easy and I hate it. Fucking disgusting. Vomit is now a big part of my daily life. Gross. Disgusting. I can't stand myself. I don't even care anymore, I don't care about weight, I just hate this routine that I cannot stop. Eating is pure torture yet I crave it, but I know it's gonna make me sick, no matter how much, no matter how little, it makes me sick.

I hate those vomit attacks where I just can't stop throwing up into my mouth. Sometimes I'm just laying down and it just comes up, I hate the taste, I hate the feeling I feel ruined FUCK SOMEONE HELP ME AM I THE ONLY ONE I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE IM JUST SO JEALOUS OF EVERYONE WHO CAN EAT NORMAL AND NOT FEEL SICK FUCKING CONSTANTLY I HATE HATE HATE HATE IT IM SO WEAK ALL THE TIME