I’m a 31M, I was diagnosed with BP1 at 27. I torched relationships with my family and friends, was engaged to someone I never would have truly loved in a “stable” state, racked up over $60k in credit card debt, had an ego that could only be matched by god himself, narrowly avoided several DUI/DWIs, added an SA notch on my belt after a bottle of bourbon and some downers, almost lost my job and was almost kicked out of grad school. I had to move back in with my mother and press reset on my life, it was entirely traumatic when I look back on all of it. It’s by pure luck that I didn’t ruin my life, go to jail, or wind up dead.

My PCP at the time thought 40mg of Prozac would be the perfect remedy. It was the perfect lighter fluid for my first mixed episode.

My ex and her friends called me a liar and narcissist; it was all for attention and I was simply a horrible person. I prompted the psychiatrists and fed them everything they wanted to hear for the diagnosis I was “searching for” so I could ruin her life and leave her. My paranoia, irritability, aggression, insomnia, and depression were all one big lie. There’s even a beautiful little post of me in that BPSO subreddit that has haunted me for 4 years straight.

4 years later and I still let it get to me, even with all the therapy and medication in the world. In my brilliance I decided to try to taper meds (with my psych involved). Maybe it was all in my head and they were all right, I truly was/am simply a terrible narcissistic person.

They were wrong, the diagnosis is real. I’m writing this on the couch with a massive dose of Quetiapine running through me as I try to pull myself out of the same dangerous mixed episode that landed me here in the first place.

Don’t stop your meds. Your diagnosis is real. Forgive yourself.

Hey, everyone! I am a spoken word poet living in Minnesota. I am currently 39 years old and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 26 years old after a major manic episode. Since that episode, I have been writing my poetry to break the stigma of mental illness and help out others living with bipolar disorder and other mental health issues. Anyway, here is my poem:

"I Am Not My Disease"

I am not a beholder

of the label of bipolar.

I am not OCD,

for I Over Come Disease.

Let me show you

that I am not a schizo.

I am not dressed

to be depressed.

I am not an addict,

for my past is in the attic.

I am not my disease,

for I am free.

Thanks for reading!

Hi all!

What are some songs that encapsulate life w/Bipolar for you or represent it to you?

For me, I've associated "People Watching" by Sam Fender, initially because I discovered it on the radio during a Manic episode when I would go driving alone aimlessly for hours without telling anyone where I was going, music blaring, windows down, down the streets of the city I was living in, sometimes at night. There's a drive to the song that evokes the energy of Mania for me, because as chaotic as it is in actuality, it isn't chaotic at all for me in the moment, it's just reality. "I can't stop running".

There's a melancholic, pensive sense of decay and impending loss lyrically that speaks to the darkness or Depressive, self-destructive side of my Bipolar, especially when it's occurred in a mixed episode in tandem with the (hypo)manic high that feels like a roller coaster I can barely cling on to. And while it also speaks to the fact that I am on the Autism Spectrum and have always felt a sense of disconnection or delay between myself and everyone and everything around me, just the idea of people watching speaks to the immense disconnection and "derangement" I've experienced before. People have no idea what's going on when they look at me. And hey, I have absolutely no idea what could be going on behind those eyes or in that heart or soul across from me. "Somebody's darling's on the streets tonight."

Ultimately, however, there's a spirit of perseverance, of choosing to hold love and the ones we love close, even when it means grief or heartbreak, that pierces through the song for me. Even when it hurts, it is an absolute wonder to be alive, to be me, and I hold onto that when the darkness tries its best to swallow me whole and make me do something to myself I would regret and take back if I could run back the clock. I know my uncle would if he could today. I've been too close to that edge to afford to let that God-given spirit of life and enduring for love's sake go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz3F_U5nkjw

What’s the hardest part about being close with someone with bipolar?
What would you like to understand better about bipolar?

I know for my mom, the hardest part is not knowing what to do when I am going manic fearing I’ll do something stupid. We live away, so she doesn’t always know what to do from distance. This brings her heavy uncertainty and constant worry (I attempted to jump off a fifth floor once while on FaceTime with her). I try to reassure her, we talk quite often, I tell her about my feelings, but I wish I could do something else to make her feel more calm towards me and my bipolar.

So if you are close to someone with bipolar, how can we bipolars do to help you?

Thank you for your comments 🙏🙏

Hi. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and had just came off a hypomanic episode in August. So now I'm in my depressive episode which is exhausting. But I have a job interview next week and I really need to get that job. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope or manage. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Also if I get a job when would be the appropriate time to disclose that I have this diagnosis since I have to go to the hospital every 2-4 weeks. In my current contract job I unfortunately had to disclose when I was almost hospitalised after not taking my meds but I don't wanna scare away my future employer.

I promised myself that if I ever made it out of this horrible episode, I would come back and share something positive.

I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and I recently went through the worst depressive episode of my life.

For three months, we tried medication after medication, and nothing seemed to work. I developed akathisia with every medication we tried, which made everything even more unbearable. After trying around seven different medications, I had completely lost hope. I was suicidal and genuinely couldn’t imagine ever feeling better again.

But then I started lithium, and everything changed!!!
My suicidal thoughts have almost completely disappeared, and for the first time in months, I can genuinely say that I’m happy to be alive. The psychotic symptoms of my illness have also improved tremendously thanks to quetiapine.

I never thought I would feel this good again, especially after everything I’ve been through.
So, if you’re struggling right now, if you’ve tried countless medications and feel like nothing will ever work, please don’t lose hope. Sometimes it takes a long time to find the right treatment, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

I know how hopeless things can feel, and I just wanted to share my experience to remind someone out there that things really can get better.

Good luck to everyone fighting this illness. It absolutely sucks, but there is still hope. ❤️

Does anyone else have traumatic nightmares? I was having them 3-4 times a week so they put me on Prazosin which helps but I still get them here and there. I’d love to not rely on a medication… but I have no idea what to do to stop them naturally. They’re scary to the core and very VERY violent. I’m always being attacked and forced to defend myself. I’ve shot people, stabbed people, watched my loved ones be brutally murdered. An odd aspect that usually wakes me from the nightmare is that the wounds never have blood. It makes me stop and be like wtffff which jolts me awake. I wake up in a panic attack and when I eventually fall back to sleep, most of the time I get thrown back into the same nightmare. I try to not watch anything remotely stressful in the evenings.. any advice is welcomed at this point..

Is there anyone who’s stopped going to therapy after awhile? I’m kinda tired and bored of it and not wanting to do it anymore.

I haven’t had any attempts or ideations in a very long time, stabilized on a mood stabilizer and antidepressant, and having pretty “normal” days for the most part. I’m starting to dread going every week now, I’ve learned and practice all the coping skills I can do atp. It’s almost feeling like a waste of time.

Any opinions or experiences would be nice from anyone who’s stopped going. Also, how long has it been? Do you just go periodically for check ins? How often is that?

Has anyone else experienced heightened suicidality after leaving inpatient? I recently got out and immediately had to go to the crisis center and spend the night. I’ve since stabilized a bit after my new lithium dose went into full effect but for a few days there I would barely let myself leave my room because I wanted to go out and buy OTC pills to kill myself with. My psych said that getting out of inpatient is a very vulnerable time, has anyone else experienced this?

I don’t know what’s going on. I keep hearing whispers telling me how worthless I am and how I deserve abuse. My thoughts aren’t working going back and worth between looping and not being able to stay together. It’s like I can’t form a train of thought. I can’t organize them. I have been having physical issues and severe memory issues for a while but it wasn’t affecting my current thoughts until today. I am convinced I’m being targeted. I just don’t know what to do. I keep getting told it’s psychosis but I’m taking my meds. And I have NEVER had my thoughts be like this before. I have had looping yes but I have never had them be so disorganized I can’t think. It’s like the thoughts disappear when I try to single a thought out. What is this?

I am currently taking quietiapine but a lower dose for stabilization and sleep and started trintellix for depression . I have been depressed for a long time and tried abilify vraylar depakote and other ssri snri wellbutrin concerta for depression and motivation. Truth is I was only having more motivation on concerta an adhd med . But I was too anxious on it. So I had to quit . I did not trial enough time abilify and vraylar only one month each but they gave me akatisia. Just Idk what med could help me with executive dysfunction. Thanks.

​Hi everyone, I'm posting on behalf of my mum who is currently tapering down her Risperidone dosage.

​She is really struggling with it and would be so grateful for any insight.

​When tapering down from a higher dose (e.g., going from 0.9mg down to 0.8mg), do people typically wait until all withdrawal symptoms from the previous drop have completely disappeared before making the next step down?

​Or is it normal to still have a few mild symptoms lingering and proceed with the taper anyway?

​Thanks x 

Trigger warning: self harm

Hiii community,

I am hoping to hear other people’s experiences who live with bipolar. I’ve struggled with emotion regulation since I was a kid, and started to self harm and use substances at a young age to deal with difficult emotions. Diagnosed in my mid 20s. I have experienced one hospitalization following a reckless and harmful episode, and it was a month long and traumatic hospitalization in itself. I have had friends step away from our friendship because of my struggles and the weight it placed on them. I haven’t been great at navigating intimate relationships (prior to but especially now). Recently my boyfriend broke up with me, largely because of my drinking. A lot of my past hurt from the challenges of our relationship as well as my past experiences and sexual trauma came up. When he ended it I became so overwhelmed I punched myself in the head numerous times and broke my glasses. I felt like I totally lost control. It scared him. I feel horrible. I threw my phone since this happened and broke the screen (I’ve thrown things, kicked and punched walls, broken stuff) throughout my life to try to let the intensity and discomfort of my emotions out somehow. I don’t know how to be with men and let the anger go from all the times I have been assaulted and hurt. I recognize the role my substance use has played throughout the years, knowing this does not excuse a man’s violation of a woman’s body. I wonder what other people find helpful to deal with the intense emotions I feel, particularly in my attempts in intimate relationships.

Trigger warning: self harm

Hiii community,

I am hoping to hear other people’s experiences who live with bipolar. I’ve struggled with emotion regulation since I was a kid, and started to self harm and use substances at a young age to deal with difficult emotions. Diagnosed in my mid 20s. I have experienced one hospitalization following a reckless and harmful episode, and it was a month long and traumatic hospitalization in itself. I have had friends step away from our friendship because of my struggles and the weight it placed on them. I haven’t been great at navigating intimate relationships (prior to but especially now). Recently my boyfriend broke up with me, largely because of my drinking. A lot of my past hurt from the challenges of our relationship as well as my past experiences and sexual trauma came up. When he ended it I became so overwhelmed I punched myself in the head numerous times and broke my glasses. I felt like I totally lost control. It scared him. I feel horrible. I threw my phone since this happened and broke the screen (I’ve thrown things, kicked and punched walls, broken stuff) throughout my life to try to let the intensity and discomfort of my emotions out somehow. I don’t know how to be with men and let the anger go from all the times I have been assaulted and hurt. I recognize the role my substance use has played throughout the years, knowing this does not excuse a man’s violation of a woman’s body. I wonder what other people find helpful to deal with the intense emotions I feel, particularly in my attempts in intimate relationships.

What you remember of them that is. I forget most of it fortunately, but the bits I do remember haunt me.

Today's a bad day for it 🙃

I got off seroquil in July of last year the withdrawal I went through was probably one of the most strenuous, painful, stressful things I have ever done it made me so sick I was convulsing and puking everyday. From that time till now I have felt almost exactly the same minus the convulsing. I am in excruciating pain every day in my stomach region exactly what I felt when I would miss a dose (ik yall know how that feels) and when I eventually stopped taking it (I did ween off properly) when I got off the drug I was about 400mgs I was on it for sleep and I know in high doses it’s used to treat stuff like schizophrenia but I was just following my what psychiatrist prescribed me. Every doctor and specialist I’ve been too has told me the same thing that they can’t find anything but I’m so exhausted how is a person supposed to live like this everyday I’m not even 21 and I just wanna live my life without being reduced to a bed every day. If anyone knows anything please help I’m so tired of being in pain.

Unsure if this is breakthrough, if I need a higher dose of lithium, or what but it’s genuinely so frustrating that I am so irritable. Before I can even think, I start to rant and go off about what irritated me. I freaking hate it.

I absolutely HATE being bipolar. I hate feeling this way! I hate the shame, embarrassment, and all the other negative feelings that come with an episode when you realize what you have done. And I am medicated and medication compliant! I still had a really bad episode from Wednesday last week to Tuesday this week. I am STILL in a mixed episode.

I am crying all the time, sleeping 4-6 hours a night, I have so much energy my bones feel like they are vibrating, racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, I am either talking too fast or too slow, I feel absolutely miserable.

I almost ruined my 10 year relationship, hell i can't even say 'almost', in actuality I probably did destroy it. Fuck paranoia. I was convinced he was going to break up with me, so I had to do it first. I just KNEW he was cheating. I just KNEW he was going to tear me down and watch me fall apart for his own sick enjoyment. So I had to do it first. Get to it before him. And guys, there was NO REASON for me to feel this way! He even invited me on his trip! I , me, said no. But it got twisted in my head. Hell a lot of our talking and texts I took and twisted.

I am overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I worried a lot of our friends and scared the crap out of my SO. His fear is what somewhat bought me lucid. All I could think is: What have I done? Why am I ruining my life? I didn't even have a plan. Just pack up what I could, pack the cats and drive. Maybe to my parents for a week, before going wherever. My parents live in an RV. Less than 28 feet. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking.

I just hate this. I hate that its a cycle that it feels hard to break. I hate hurting the people who are close to me. I hate making them worry. I hate not being normal. I hate not having a normal life. I hate that I can't be the partner my SO deserves. I just hate it. And days like today in a stupid mixed episode? I feel so tired and rundown. That I deserve all the hate, the guilt, the shame, and embarrassment.

I was just diagnosed 5 years ago. It was suspected since I was a child/teen, but never officially diagnosed. Looking back, it was so obvious I had bipolar. I wish I could/would have gotten help then. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have fucked my life up so bad over the years. ALL my relationships have suffered, so has work and home.

I just want it to stop.

For those who took Lithium and stopped due to kidney issues, what was the point where the doctor was like, "No more Lithium for you!"

I’ve been doing risky behaviors all week like walking out late at night, drugging and just generally messing my life up. Im worried but also it makes me so excited and restless like I just want to do more. The thought of blowing up my life is a comfort right now which is scary. I think it might be a mixed episode. How do you guys do it?!

Basically, ive been having terrible mood swings, days of feeling terribly angry, depressed and worthless and starting to think that I may have bipolar. What/who made you get checked or how did you come to learn you had bipolar?

Hi everyone, bipolar 2 here. My psychiatrist prescribed escitalopram 10 mg (lexapro) after lunch, quetiapine 25 mg (Seroquel) and aripiprazole 5 mg (Abilify) after dinner. In parenthesis I put the commercial brands in the US.

How was your experience taking these meds? What are your thoughts on these doses?

Btw, is there a big difference between consuming the commercial brand vs the generic pills?

after a hiccup with insurance (just a PA issue, all good now), i'm finally officially on vraylar after trying out the samples the dr gave me for 2w. saved me from my roughly tri-monthly manic episode which frankly has been life and job-saving. the only bad thing i've noticed is that i've been eating like a motherfucker.

every time i get the craving to eat when i know i shouldn't be eating (meals won't be skipped, don't worry), i just pop a stick of gum in and it seems to offset the craving. will i have to do this the entire time i'm on this medication? i went through a whole pack the other day just trying not to eat :') how do you guys avoid WG on vraylar?