Hi all!

What are some songs that encapsulate life w/Bipolar for you or represent it to you?

For me, I've associated "People Watching" by Sam Fender, initially because I discovered it on the radio during a Manic episode when I would go driving alone aimlessly for hours without telling anyone where I was going, music blaring, windows down, down the streets of the city I was living in, sometimes at night. There's a drive to the song that evokes the energy of Mania for me, because as chaotic as it is in actuality, it isn't chaotic at all for me in the moment, it's just reality. "I can't stop running".

There's a melancholic, pensive sense of decay and impending loss lyrically that speaks to the darkness or Depressive, self-destructive side of my Bipolar, especially when it's occurred in a mixed episode in tandem with the (hypo)manic high that feels like a roller coaster I can barely cling on to. And while it also speaks to the fact that I am on the Autism Spectrum and have always felt a sense of disconnection or delay between myself and everyone and everything around me, just the idea of people watching speaks to the immense disconnection and "derangement" I've experienced before. People have no idea what's going on when they look at me. And hey, I have absolutely no idea what could be going on behind those eyes or in that heart or soul across from me. "Somebody's darling's on the streets tonight."

Ultimately, however, there's a spirit of perseverance, of choosing to hold love and the ones we love close, even when it means grief or heartbreak, that pierces through the song for me. Even when it hurts, it is an absolute wonder to be alive, to be me, and I hold onto that when the darkness tries its best to swallow me whole and make me do something to myself I would regret and take back if I could run back the clock. I know my uncle would if he could today. I've been too close to that edge to afford to let that God-given spirit of life and enduring for love's sake go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz3F_U5nkjw

I promised myself that if I ever made it out of this horrible episode, I would come back and share something positive.

I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, and I recently went through the worst depressive episode of my life.

For three months, we tried medication after medication, and nothing seemed to work. I developed akathisia with every medication we tried, which made everything even more unbearable. After trying around seven different medications, I had completely lost hope. I was suicidal and genuinely couldn’t imagine ever feeling better again.

But then I started lithium, and everything changed!!!
My suicidal thoughts have almost completely disappeared, and for the first time in months, I can genuinely say that I’m happy to be alive. The psychotic symptoms of my illness have also improved tremendously thanks to quetiapine.

I never thought I would feel this good again, especially after everything I’ve been through.
So, if you’re struggling right now, if you’ve tried countless medications and feel like nothing will ever work, please don’t lose hope. Sometimes it takes a long time to find the right treatment, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

I know how hopeless things can feel, and I just wanted to share my experience to remind someone out there that things really can get better.

Good luck to everyone fighting this illness. It absolutely sucks, but there is still hope. ❤️

Has anyone else experienced heightened suicidality after leaving inpatient? I recently got out and immediately had to go to the crisis center and spend the night. I’ve since stabilized a bit after my new lithium dose went into full effect but for a few days there I would barely let myself leave my room because I wanted to go out and buy OTC pills to kill myself with. My psych said that getting out of inpatient is a very vulnerable time, has anyone else experienced this?

Is there anyone who’s stopped going to therapy after awhile? I’m kinda tired and bored of it and not wanting to do it anymore.

I haven’t had any attempts or ideations in a very long time, stabilized on a mood stabilizer and antidepressant, and having pretty “normal” days for the most part. I’m starting to dread going every week now, I’ve learned and practice all the coping skills I can do atp. It’s almost feeling like a waste of time.

Any opinions or experiences would be nice from anyone who’s stopped going. Also, how long has it been? Do you just go periodically for check ins? How often is that?

I don’t know what’s going on. I keep hearing whispers telling me how worthless I am and how I deserve abuse. My thoughts aren’t working going back and worth between looping and not being able to stay together. It’s like I can’t form a train of thought. I can’t organize them. I have been having physical issues and severe memory issues for a while but it wasn’t affecting my current thoughts until today. I am convinced I’m being targeted. I just don’t know what to do. I keep getting told it’s psychosis but I’m taking my meds. And I have NEVER had my thoughts be like this before. I have had looping yes but I have never had them be so disorganized I can’t think. It’s like the thoughts disappear when I try to single a thought out. What is this?

Hey, everyone! I am a spoken word poet living in Minnesota. I am currently 39 years old and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 26 years old after a major manic episode. Since that episode, I have been writing my poetry to break the stigma of mental illness and help out others living with bipolar disorder and other mental health issues. Anyway, here is my poem:

"I Am Not My Disease"

I am not a beholder

of the label of bipolar.

I am not OCD,

for I Over Come Disease.

Let me show you

that I am not a schizo.

I am not dressed

to be depressed.

I am not an addict,

for my past is in the attic.

I am not my disease,

for I am free.

Thanks for reading!

Does anyone else have traumatic nightmares? I was having them 3-4 times a week so they put me on Prazosin which helps but I still get them here and there. I’d love to not rely on a medication… but I have no idea what to do to stop them naturally. They’re scary to the core and very VERY violent. I’m always being attacked and forced to defend myself. I’ve shot people, stabbed people, watched my loved ones be brutally murdered. An odd aspect that usually wakes me from the nightmare is that the wounds never have blood. It makes me stop and be like wtffff which jolts me awake. I wake up in a panic attack and when I eventually fall back to sleep, most of the time I get thrown back into the same nightmare. I try to not watch anything remotely stressful in the evenings.. any advice is welcomed at this point..

I got off seroquil in July of last year the withdrawal I went through was probably one of the most strenuous, painful, stressful things I have ever done it made me so sick I was convulsing and puking everyday. From that time till now I have felt almost exactly the same minus the convulsing. I am in excruciating pain every day in my stomach region exactly what I felt when I would miss a dose (ik yall know how that feels) and when I eventually stopped taking it (I did ween off properly) when I got off the drug I was about 400mgs I was on it for sleep and I know in high doses it’s used to treat stuff like schizophrenia but I was just following my what psychiatrist prescribed me. Every doctor and specialist I’ve been too has told me the same thing that they can’t find anything but I’m so exhausted how is a person supposed to live like this everyday I’m not even 21 and I just wanna live my life without being reduced to a bed every day. If anyone knows anything please help I’m so tired of being in pain.

Unsure if this is breakthrough, if I need a higher dose of lithium, or what but it’s genuinely so frustrating that I am so irritable. Before I can even think, I start to rant and go off about what irritated me. I freaking hate it.

For those who took Lithium and stopped due to kidney issues, what was the point where the doctor was like, "No more Lithium for you!"

I absolutely HATE being bipolar. I hate feeling this way! I hate the shame, embarrassment, and all the other negative feelings that come with an episode when you realize what you have done. And I am medicated and medication compliant! I still had a really bad episode from Wednesday last week to Tuesday this week. I am STILL in a mixed episode.

I am crying all the time, sleeping 4-6 hours a night, I have so much energy my bones feel like they are vibrating, racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, I am either talking too fast or too slow, I feel absolutely miserable.

I almost ruined my 10 year relationship, hell i can't even say 'almost', in actuality I probably did destroy it. Fuck paranoia. I was convinced he was going to break up with me, so I had to do it first. I just KNEW he was cheating. I just KNEW he was going to tear me down and watch me fall apart for his own sick enjoyment. So I had to do it first. Get to it before him. And guys, there was NO REASON for me to feel this way! He even invited me on his trip! I , me, said no. But it got twisted in my head. Hell a lot of our talking and texts I took and twisted.

I am overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I worried a lot of our friends and scared the crap out of my SO. His fear is what somewhat bought me lucid. All I could think is: What have I done? Why am I ruining my life? I didn't even have a plan. Just pack up what I could, pack the cats and drive. Maybe to my parents for a week, before going wherever. My parents live in an RV. Less than 28 feet. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking.

I just hate this. I hate that its a cycle that it feels hard to break. I hate hurting the people who are close to me. I hate making them worry. I hate not being normal. I hate not having a normal life. I hate that I can't be the partner my SO deserves. I just hate it. And days like today in a stupid mixed episode? I feel so tired and rundown. That I deserve all the hate, the guilt, the shame, and embarrassment.

I was just diagnosed 5 years ago. It was suspected since I was a child/teen, but never officially diagnosed. Looking back, it was so obvious I had bipolar. I wish I could/would have gotten help then. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have fucked my life up so bad over the years. ALL my relationships have suffered, so has work and home.

I just want it to stop.

Hi everyone, bipolar 2 here. My psychiatrist prescribed escitalopram 10 mg (lexapro) after lunch, quetiapine 25 mg (Seroquel) and aripiprazole 5 mg (Abilify) after dinner. In parenthesis I put the commercial brands in the US.

How was your experience taking these meds? What are your thoughts on these doses?

Btw, is there a big difference between consuming the commercial brand vs the generic pills?

Basically, ive been having terrible mood swings, days of feeling terribly angry, depressed and worthless and starting to think that I may have bipolar. What/who made you get checked or how did you come to learn you had bipolar?

The psychiatrist said I’m bipolar after multiple psych ward visits due to ied. They tried seroquel when I was 18 but no, now at 30 they want me to try lurasidone cuz they say it won’t make me fat. I’m lowk yolked and would like to remain as such and get much much leaner. I’m so good at eating very little right now I’m getting in really good shape

I feel great, I can lift a van right now. I feel bad sometimes but sometimes I feel great you know, like maybe I just need something for anxiety and mood changes are just a normal part of life. Like sometimes I am insanely pissed off cuz my depressions turns to anger but it just means I can go harder at the gym. I was really pissed for a few days but I feel great rn been feeling great for 2 whole days.

The kpin is terrible for anxiety it does nothing to help. I need something stronger but they won’t prescribe me more cuz of “addiction”

after a hiccup with insurance (just a PA issue, all good now), i'm finally officially on vraylar after trying out the samples the dr gave me for 2w. saved me from my roughly tri-monthly manic episode which frankly has been life and job-saving. the only bad thing i've noticed is that i've been eating like a motherfucker.

every time i get the craving to eat when i know i shouldn't be eating (meals won't be skipped, don't worry), i just pop a stick of gum in and it seems to offset the craving. will i have to do this the entire time i'm on this medication? i went through a whole pack the other day just trying not to eat :') how do you guys avoid WG on vraylar?

sorry I know I've been here a bit lately.

So I have a psychology apppt today,. She knows about thew few things I've done. Last couple monthsm got onto therapwurtic level of medication yay! no more psychosis. Within the last ?month? I've overdosed (she sent me to emergency), self harmed requiring surgery (she broke confidentiality) and since another coupole of things. My concern is that if I'm honest about things in the last coule of weeks that she'll break confidentiality again.

I;ve skipped my meds three times without telling support person (taken them from him and slipped into pocket) and each time mood gone sky-high and I'e got barely any sleep but felt extremely rested. Also took some of a potent poison couple days ago.

Some friends/family members, Tho Not All, have claimed I'm some favour of manice. I think theyr exaggerating and wayy overreacting. Psychiatrist couplw weeks ago was fine w me said I was doing great and lookin happy.

If I tell psychologist abot the two para up stuff I'm concerned she'll talk to support person again. Don't want that.

Known that reasoning is combo of at times Entity suggesting/reminding/giving dosages etc. around 'risky' stuff, and the know that I'm functionally invincible.

So how do I make sure professionals know what they should know to make their assessments, but without them freaking out?

Friens yesterday also asked when I was going inpatient and it confused and annoyed me. I don't need to go inpatient I'm literaly fine and doing s well. I have energy and I'm etting stif done.

thanks for readin in advance

Anyone else getting warnings from Reddit for their Posts? My bipolar will have me responding to posts out of the ordinary. Then BLAM you get tagged by Reddit with a warning and then after that account restriction then banned. Anyone else having trouble controlling their posts when they are having mania attacks. I have to write slow and delete so much as I catch myself off the rails.

Coming on here because I really need any advice, words of encouragement, or just straight up honesty. I've been diagnosed Bipolar 2, and I just feel like no matter what I do or what I try, whether it be therapy, medication, meditation, exercise, etc., that nothing ever feels like it's gonna get better in the long run. I don't understand how I'm going to live like this. I just can't imagine being successful in work, having a family, or maintaining a serious relationship, because I don't have a single close relationship in my life right now for one reason or another.

Even when things get better for periods of time, it feels like no matter what I always get back to the same point, like just an endless spiral that feels like it will never ever go away. I just want honesty, or words of advice, and I have truly no one else to talk to about this. Any type of reply or response is deeply appreciated.

Problem with finding true love.

I have lived with bipolar disorder since I was 18—essentially my entire adult life—and it has been with me ever since I started dating and entering into relationships. I am 26 and half now.

My disease is untreated.

Every time I meet new men, they aren’t interested in me as a potential long-term partner; there’s always an ex they’re obsessed with, or some other "better" woman.

Why does this keep happening?

Is it because of my appearance?

I am a slim woman with an average-looking face (I’m not beautiful; I have an average face).

Does not having a pretty face mean I’m doomed to be alone for the rest of my life?

I feel like no one has ever truly loved me. At best, they just want to use my body for a while, or they treat me like a free therapist—crying to me about their exes.

I’m tired by it.

I don’t understand—what am I doing wrong?

My bipolar primarily manifests as dysphoric mania or mixed states, alternating with depression. Happy mania is quite rare for me.

Why am I so unlucky in love?

Is my face to blame—do men only want pretty girls?

On dating sites, I exclusively choose "average" men because my self-esteem is low, yet even they treat me poorly.

I try to avoid making prolonged eye contact with people; when I’m depressed, I feel like they’re judging my ugliness. When I’m in a manic state, I don’t want to scare them, as my gaze can be quite intense.

Do you also struggle to find luck in love, or is there something wrong with me?

when I was 20 I had my first episode and my life has been on stand still every time I found the energy to get medicated it would quickly leave me and i lost motivation to even pursue anything better because i didn't believe i really had this im now. 25 and realize i have to be medicated my whole life and im at peace with that. Yesterday i finally got lithium carbonate 300mg to start off with, I had a episode 2 days ago. i took it last night and woke up and feel a difference i could never achieve on my own. My dosage will probably increase overtime but honestly i have hope again and feel more stable I haven't felt like this really since I was 19. I posted on here and said I was gonna get in lithium and finally heal at the being of this year and through all of my episodes and maniac nights, even psychosis i did it! it's possible to heal stop beating yourself up💯

Anybody else feel completely, utterly misunderstood by everyone around them? I NEVER open up to people about my struggles with mental health, or atleast I don't reveal to them how serious it is or give them more than a self deprecating joke. The last year has been living hell for me. Everyday has been a battle. I tried talking to my boss today and baguely alluded to struggling mentally/ experiencing ""burnout"". He pretty much told me its the name of the game and everyone feels the way I do. It feels like a kick in the stomach. There's just no fucking way that everybody could feel this way. Unless I'm just weaker than everybody around me. Idk. Tough day.

I saw my psychiatrist today and go figures, I'm leaning more of the depressed side of things. Though the meds were toxic for me health wise, we have decided to go back to a combination that still had me capable to deal with school. I've been Amisulpride, Carbamazepine, Lurasidone, Ziprasidone, Fluxoetine, Olanzapine, Quetiapine, Risperidone, Lamotrigine, and Aripiprazole. With Lithium being the only med I haven't tried in the main stream of things. The Amisulpride and Carbamazepine combination was my longest med and I think I was still functional despite still having episodes from time to time. Though in all honesty, I was probably leaning more on the manic side during this time. My oldest sister who is diagnosed said I should probably go back to therapy and ween off of mood stabilisers (take meds for my adhd and to sleep) until exams are over and then see my psychiatrist with a basis of what to try and how how I feel. Any other suggestions?

I have been on 150MG of Lamictal & 15MG of Buspirone for about a year. Recently, my manic episodes & intense rage/irritability, dissociation, and overall depression had gotten to the point where I could barely function and it was tough to even get through the day. I am a stay-at-home mom to a toddler and the overstimulation was drowning me. I have tried countless SSRI’s- Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Effexor. All of them caused me severe sexual dysfunction and other issues that I couldn’t really deal with.

My psychiatric nurse practitioner started me on 50MG of Seroquel two weeks ago. My first impressions were holy sh*t, 15 minutes after my dose and I am literally dead to the world. It has improved my sleep quality, but I cannot struggle to wake up that much. I have to be “ready to go” every day at 5:30am with my daughter. There is no time for a slow going wake-up routine. Here is the interesting part…

The first week of Seroquel I was a completely different person. Things no longer bothered me, I was completely unbothered, pleasant, and patient. I was amazed. My husband noticed a vast difference. I thought, finally. After the first week passed, I had a day where I just completely snapped. I basically had a mental breakdown. S*icidal ideations, extreme rage… you get the picture. My husband had to come home from work because I was losing it. It was like a full factory-reset out of nowhere. My psychiatric provider told me I needed to go to a partial-hospitalization program for what I was experiencing, which isn’t an option, unfortunately. Since that day I have been extremely lethargic, irritable, and just insufferable. I could sleep all day, everyday if it were an option.

What the hell is going on? I am so tired of feeling this way. I long to be stable, normal, and happy. Especially for my family, whom I love dearly, and they need me.

Thoughts? Thank you, everyone.

I have bipolar 1 and I am curious about the new olanzapine injection. The old one had a 3 hour waiting period due to post injection delirium/sedation syndrome which sort of took the convenience of having an injection away. The new one doesn’t have the same problem. Would you consider trying it, especially if you’ve had severe mania or psychosis? I’m also curious about the side effects and how it compares to other antipsychotic injections. What are your thoughts?

I used to take the shot but I’ve been exploring not taking it the past few months with guidance.

The issue is I’m very emotional the week leading up to my period, but I am feeling overall maybe more level the other weeks off the birth control.