i am at a complete loss here and have no idea what to do. i’ve posted in here before so u may be aware of my living situation already

i (24f) live with three girls - emily (21f), sarah (22f), and jesse (25f) - and our lease is up in december. emily and sarah share the master bedroom and bath, jesse and i both have our own rooms but share the communal bath. the rent, electricity, and all of the utilities are under sarah’s accounts and we all send her money. it’s never been an issue and still isn’t.

sometime at the very beginning of summer emily started staying at her boyfriends house every single night. we were basically her storage space. she does not pay any rent or utilities at her boyfriends and was still paying rent and utilities at our apartment since she still is on the lease. in august she decided that she would no longer pay electricity and in september she said she is no longer paying the rest of the utilities. that’s understandable since she’s not ever at the apartment using any of it. she had told sarah - sarah has text message proof of all this - on october 1st when our rent and bills were due that she isn’t going to pay for the rent anymore. our rent alone is $3000. emily pays a little over $700, which is the least any of us pay. we can all comfortably afford to live here and save money with it split between the 4 of us but between just myself, sarah, and jesse we can barely afford electricity and rent. especially because we are in southern california and the heat has been atrocious

after some back and forth between emily and sarah it was decided that emily wasn’t going to pay the rent due on october 1st but will pay the rent due on November 1st and december 1st plus the last few days into december. she has yet to send sarah any money and we’re all scraping our pockets at this point to cover this random change in how much we’re paying

i’m not asking for legal advice. i know legally all we really can do is take her to civil court since the lease states we’re all responsible for paying on time regardless of drama or anything that happens between us. i’m asking for advice on what to do on a personal level

I (36M) have a roommate (31M) who cut off most people in his life about a year ago. He cut me off nine months ago and hasn't spoken to me since. For months, he worked and then shut himself in his room to play video games in the evenings. For the past 12 weeks, he's been unemployed by choice and has done virtually nothing but sleep and game. This is incredibly awkward feeling to me living with someone who doesn't interact with me.

He's always been someone who enjoys being around people and having conversations, although he's also protective of certain topics and avoids discussing things he doesn't want to talk about.

From October 2025 through January 2026, he still acted normally around me. Mutual acquaintances told me they hadn't heard from him since October. When I finally brought this up on January 26, he shut down and I had to push him to explain. He gave several reasons for withdrawing, primarily a health issue, but none seemed to justify cutting everyone off completely. After that conversation, he never spoke to me again.

Just before Christmas, he bought a gaming PC. He's always had intense fixations on hobbies, such as guitar, Muay Thai, and financial literacy, which he would either master or get bored of and drop for something new. I assumed gaming would be another passing interest, but this time he isolated himself completely, spending hours playing an online FPS without interacting with anyone outside the game.

He rejected attempts to reach him, including one from someone he used to think highly of. He stopped helping around the house and eating properly. Since he still paid rent (he pays more than required) and wasn't causing problems, I gave him space.

At the end of July, his work van disappeared and he stopped leaving the house. After two weeks, I contacted his mom. His stepdad visited and walked with him for an hour. I was told he wasn't considered a risk to himself or others and had quit work because he needed time to rest. His family said they'd try to help.

Nine weeks later and he was still unemployed hardly leaving the house. He began getting food delivered but frequently left the food uneaten until it spoiled. Sometimes leaving a completely unopened bag of food on the counter unrefrigerated until it got cold or warming something in the microwave and I would find it the next time I needed to use the microwave and it was cold (if you know anything about food safety, it's no longer safe to eat). I don't know if it was absentmindedness and being so engrossed in his game he lost track of time or he's actually losing his mind. I eventually threw away nearly two trash bags of expired food because there was no room left for my food in the fridge. The last 2-3 weeks he barely orders any food. He eats on a Taco Bell order over the course of a week and some days just doesn't eat anything that comes from the kitchen, so he may have less perishable food in his room. I haven't seen him in person in a long time, and I'm concerned about his physical condition. As of now the last time he left the house was September 23 and before that it was like five weeks prior.

He gets almost no sunlight or exercise, eats poorly, and has virtually no social interaction outside gaming. I own the house and rent him a room cheaply, which allows him to continue living this way without needing to work. I feel like I'm just enabling this behavior by allowing him to continue living here. He's at the very least got to be trying to avoid real life for some reason and create his own world where his real life problems don't exist by gaming and only talking with the people in the game who have no personal connection to him and they are much easier to dump if he is offended by them.

Much of the time he does basically nothing to help out, but then at times he shows that he hasn't completely given up and will collect the dishes he accumulates in his room (I shudder to think what his room looks like) and run them through the dishwasher or actually take out the full trash bag. I left him a note once because his car's registration was five months expired and the city will tow your vehicle for that, especially considering the fact that it hadn't driven in over a month so it actually looked abandoned. It took him a week to get around to it, but he finally did.

I'm starting to think he needs to move out. Living alone would be more expensive for him, and his parents might not let him spend his days gaming if he lived with them. Perhaps having to leave would force him to get a job and reengage with life. But he used to be my friend, and I don't want to hurt him. At the same time, I'm exhausted from living with someone who wants nothing to do with me. It's affecting my mental health.

His family seems to be the only people who might reach him, but they've repeatedly promised to visit and then failed to follow through. After I told his mom I was considering asking him to move out, she finally came by on October 10. Apparently, he was trying to sleep, and she said they'd arrange another time to talk. I told her he's probably just trying to push her away and he has no intention of actually following up and she needs to come back if he doesn't respond. His mom told me she was terrified of the idea of him ending up homeless as a way to tell me not to tell him to move out, but in all reality, he has the option to move in with them probably for free and if he chooses homelessness that's his choice. A couple of hours after she left, he was gaming again. I updated her, but she never followed up, and he still hasn't left the house. I really wanted her to actually come back and bother him again, but her lack of willingness to do that makes me feel like they aren't really wanting to help him that much.

I'm at a loss. I don't want to abandon someone who may be struggling, but I also don't think enabling this situation is helping him. He won't talk to me so I can't really help him if he is struggling anyway. I know at the end of the day he is an adult and he is allowed to make a bad decision like choosing to be homeless just as he has with choosing to be unemployed and wasting his life on video games. How would you approach this? Would you give his family another chance to intervene, or is it time to ask him to move out?

I (f24) have three roommates (m22, m25 called "X", f24). Since before I moved in, there have always been problem with X never cleaning his fair share. In the past, he even said that he doesn't see himself responsible for cleaning at all.

I.e., since I moved in a year ago he has cleaned no more than three or four times total (not the wohle flat, just one area each).

However, he expects us to accept him pregaming on a regular basis and then leaving the kitchen and living room trashed the whole next day. When I confronted him about it, he said "Well, we're just uni students." He leaves trash out for days but, when asked about it, says "the way you talk go me about makes me want to not clean up at all".

After several talks, we - once again - implemented a cleaning plan a couple of weeks ago. Of course, X did not clean some of the most important areas of his assigned room (which was completely filthy) at all but marked them "done" on the shared app. First, I asked nicely in the group chat to please remember the cleaning plan as the turn to clean the rooms was up. No reaction. The next day, I wrote "Hey X, when will you finish cleaning? We all need to be reliable when it comes to cleaning. If the arrangement isn't working, it is your responsibility to communicate that. But I am tired of you never cleaning and just hoping that noone will say anything."

His response:

"Yeah and it isn't good for the atmosphere if you come on here exposing me every day. You cant just expect me to cater to your needs from 0 to 60. Its no big deal if we just clean it less often"

I said

"'My needs' are the cleaning plan we talked about as a group. And '0 to 60' means you doing your assigned tasks, nothing more."

When we talked in person afterwards, he told me several times how I must communicate better or else he has no motivation to clean up. Also, I should just wait at least a day before asking him about cleaning up trash.

Fyi, me and the other roommates have no problems with each other at all and all of us do our share of the cleaning plan. However, they have kind of checked out when it comes to telling him to clean up but tell me they share my opinion. It has even gotten to the point where I ask my boyfriend whether my texts to him are okay to send as I feel like I'm walkung on egg shells.

I don't want to feel like I need to find the perfect emoji-to-friendly-sounding-text-ratio for him to act like an adult human being. It's just about cleaning up after you've used shared spaces and doing your part of the cleaning plan.

How on earth do you deal with that?

I need outside perspective on my current situation.

TLDR: Fundamentals of living with a family member that isnt as tidy as us. and how to go about it.

My husband and I recently bought out first place.
We are renting a room out to a family member and there is a bit of discourse between us and them and I want to see what some other people think.
Here’s the situation.
My husband and I are SUPER tidy, we clean up immediately after dinner and keep a nice place.
Now our family member lives with us and continually leaves dishes in the sink, and places recycling on top on the garbage can when we have dedicated recycling boxes for both cardboard and plastics right outside the front door.
While leaving dishes in the sink for a bit doesn’t bother us, it’s when they are left in the sink overnight and through the next day. When my husband and I come home from work, a few hours before they do, we have to clean these dishes us before we can make our dinner.
We have tried to be nice about it. We have reminded them many many times to please just make sure you leave the kitchen as you walked into it. And nothing is changing.
Another thing is being on the phone with everyone else around on SPEAKER PHONE in the middle of the day and then getting mad when we turn the tv up to hear what we are watching.
I feel like this is just fundamentally an mis match in living together. But also family member is young and maybe doesn’t understand how to cohabitate with others.
They say they don’t feel comfortable in our place because we continually ask to have things cleaned up after using communal space. Which we wouldn’t have to do if it was just done?
Is this an over reaction on our part? Or is this just disrespect on their part?

TLDR: roommate had friends over, talked shit about me loudly for hours and attempted to enter my room. Staff took her side and say it was just a misunderstanding.

Hi everyone, im on mobile and its late at night and this just happened over the span of 4-5 hours

Im 21f and i live with my roommate 21f. We live in a housing program together(dont want to get into too much detail) We dont really talk to eachother, and ive had problems with her stealing my stuff in the past which i have confronted her about and told the staff about. it has stopped for now.

Today she brought 4-5 friends over to the apartment which i saw when i got home from work. I went right to my room and took a quick shower and went right back to my room after. Her friends then proceeded to very loudly talk shit about me, mess with what little i had in the common area. bang furniture, leave a huge mess and attempt to barge into my room (my door was locked from the inside), as well as slamming doors everytime they went in and out of the apartment. When they attempted to enter my room i told staff but they didnt respond until over an hour later, by that time they had all left and my roommate had left as well. I talked to the staff member and told her how i felt unsafe and she said she will make a report.

Im not sure how i should proceed from here,should i try to transfer to a different unit if possible? Any advice is appreciated

UPDATE: so i spoke to staff and they are saying its a misunderstanding. Apparently one of her friends thought my room was the bathroom which i highly doubt since we leave the bathroom door open when its not in use + my room is past the bathroom door. Basically its my word against hers and they are taking her side it seems. I heard exactly what they were saying about me for hours on end and if it really was the bathroom why would they say "she fucking locked her door." Im still looking into other housing options

TL;DR: My roommate’s new fling is over constantly despite them only dating for six weeks. His visits create extra dishes in the sink, he takes up space in the fridge, trash, and noise, and she’s pushing for at least 2–3 sleepovers a week in our tiny 2BR/1BA apartment. She accused me of being inflexible when I raised concerns about weeknight noise, bathroom access, and privacy, despite initially agreeing to alternate apartments. I pay half the rent and didn’t sign up for a third roommate. Tonight is their first weeknight sleepover and they’re loudly watching a Dodger’s game in the living room while I have a migraine. He works remotely so he doesn’t have to wake up early to head to the office like I do. If he’s hogging the bathroom tomorrow morning I’ll be extremely annoyed. This isn’t their honeymoon suite. Being dickmatized doesn’t justify being self-centered and inconsiderate. They both earn 6 figure salaries so “the economy” isn’t an excuse for only playing house but they order a ton of takeout and create extra waste.

Does anyone know how to co-exist with roommate who lives a messy lifestyle? 25yo male living with 2 male roommates in a small 4 bedroom house. We are several months into our lease and I’m starting to notice some patterns that could eventually cause conflict if they are not addressed soon. One of my roommates seems to have trouble cleaning after himself. He is a great guy but sometimes I get really pissed off with him when I am around him. The amount of times I’ve brought the topic of cleaning up to him is concerning. It seems like each time its brought up he doesn't seem to put any actual effort into cleaning going forward. He still leaves trash and dishes in our common spaces, dishes in the sink, used pots and pans on the stove top, grocery store bags and open bags of snack food on our kitchen counters, and lets food expire in our cabinets and fridge. I don’t bring it up much and I tell myself to just leave it alone if I see it and that he will get it eventually. But I swears day and weeks will just go by and nothing has been touched. Occasionally the dishes would be dealt with but food and stains are just ignored. No joke there as been a half eaten bag of hamburger buns sitting on our kitchen island for over 2 weeks and didn’t notice it until I brought it up to him. Those buns expired almost a month ago.

His room is always messy and he never puts effort into cleaning or doing his laundry. He keeps his door open and all I see are piles of clothes, trash, and boxes full of stuff everywhere. The other day I had to walk through there when he wasn’t around as we needed some work done on our houses pluming that required me to get to our backdoor in his room. What I saw makes me worried about his mental health. Around his bed are piles of clothes and bags. At the base of his computer desk there are dirty dishes and half eaten containers of snack food. On his desk are fast-food bags, fast food drinks, soda cans, and mixed drink glasses. To get to his backdoor I have to walk over boxes, dishes, shoes, musical equipment, clothes, food, and wires.

My other roommate took notice to and we have asked him individually to clean his room several times. We have even offered to help him clean it up on our free time and he always rejects help and pushing it under the rug for later. I don't know if I am an the asshole for wishing he clean up more but this behavior is really starting to piss my off. I thought it might be going through some hard times but he just says that he is OK and I just don’t believe it. Whenever he is here he usually just sits on his phone doomscrolling or watching something the TV. He seems to always be eating something to and that something he eats always ends up in between our couch or left on it with the bag open.

I’m planning on sitting down and talking with him about all of this tonight but I’m afraid that its going to be inconclusive. Before this house we had a extremely toxic roommate who didn’t respect any of us. I really don’t want to come off as controlling or argumentative. But I’m not sure where to go if our attempts keep falling through.

If anyone can inquire it will be greatly appreciated.

TL;DR: My roommate’s new boyfriend is over constantly despite them only dating for six weeks. His visits create extra dishes, trash, and noise, and she’s pushing for 2–3 sleepovers a week in our tiny 2BR/1BA apartment. She accused me of being inflexible when I raised concerns about weeknight noise, bathroom access, and privacy, despite initially agreeing to alternate apartments. I pay half the rent (half my paycheck too) and didn’t sign up for a third roommate.

(27F) I share a small 2BR/1BA apartment with another woman. She met her boyfriend on Hinge in late August, and they’ve been playing house for the past month despite only becoming official this past Saturday.

Their first sleepover on September 25 turned into two nights because he wanted to stay an extra night “just cause.” Since then, he’s been over frequently watching TV, having sex, taking up space in the fridge, and generating extra dirty dishes and trash. I’ve never seen him clean up after himself so they clearly think this place is a honeymoon suite at the 4 Seasons.

My roommate previously lived alone for several years and insists that 2–3 weekly sleepovers are normal when she’s dating someone. When I expressed concerns about noise, thin walls, and sharing ONE bathroom, she accused me of being inflexible.

She initially agreed to discuss alternating apartments but now makes excuses for why he HAS to stay here. He lives in Williamsburg with roommates, while we’re in Park Slope. Apparently, his living situation is inconvenient, so I’m expected to accommodate him instead.

Weekend sleepovers are more tolerable because I don’t have to rush to get ready for work. But tonight is their first weeknight sleepover, and they’re loudly watching baseball and laughing while I have a migraine and two work assignments starting at 9 a.m. tomorrow.

He works remotely, so I’m also concerned he’ll eventually start bringing his laptop and spending entire workdays here. I didn’t sign up for a third roommate who doesn’t pay rent or contribute to household chores.

I’m not opposed to occasional overnight guests, but I pay half the rent and deserve reasonable quiet, privacy, and access to our only bathroom. She bought him a toothbrush after their second date like she did with her last situationship back in June. I’m not slut-shaming anyone but being dickmatized doesn’t give you a right to be self-centered and inconsiderate.

Hi everyone, just posting looking for a bit of advice on this.

So, I’ve moved into a houseshare over the last couple of weeks (I have a lodger agreement and deal with my housemate only, not the landlady or any agency).

The day before I moved in, I decided to hire a Rug Doctor and clean the carpet in the room, because it was looking a bit tired and there were a couple of stains. Also, worth noting that when I came to view the property, I had a bit of a cold and didn’t notice any sort of funky smells.

When I then moved in, I kept smelling this genuinely foul smell and couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, specifically when I was lying in my bed. I’d brought my own mattress with me, but the frame was the previous inhabitant’s. There was a bit of a funky smell of old wood, so I figured maybe it was some wood rot and decided I’d replace it with a new frame (I did ask my housemate first and he said he has no ties to the furniture in the room). As I’m on my hands and knees at the bed frame, it hits me. Cat pee. Strong, strong cat pee. I asked my housemate about it, and he said the previous inhabitant had a cat there but said he’d cleaned everything up when he left. Well, he definitely didn’t. My housemate was nice enough to give me some cash to cover getting enzyme cleaners specifically designed for animal mess, and I used multiple bottles of it over the next few days.

The start of this week, the smell was not gone so I decided to hire the Rug Doctor again, this time using their Pet Formula with enzymes which again, is specially for getting rid of pet urine and mess. I stayed at a friends for a couple of days because the smell was really bothering me, and I’ve come back today and literally nearly gagged walking into my room. It’s disgusting. Whatever mess was under the bed, the cat was clearly doing it a lot and it’s soaked through the carpet to the under layers, because nothing is helping it.

Also, another smell in the house is tobacco and weed. When I came to view the house, my housemates said “hey, just so you know, we don’t drink”, I do, socially, which I said to them and they said cool no problem. It feels like that should’ve been the place where they said, but we’re gonna smoke a lot? I really hate the smell and it’s not something I enjoy but I feel like a bit of an arse if I bring it up because it’s their lifestyle choice.

I’ve pretty much decided I need out, it’s just not a good fit. They’re all nice housemates but it’s just not the place for me. I’ve had a friend offer for me to live with her which I definitely want to do, but just need some help with what to say to my current housemates. I don’t want to be rude and say, hey your house stinks and I can’t live here, but I do want out ASAP. My agreement says one months notice, I pay rent on the 1st but the thought of being here until November makes me feel ill.

Really just a bit of a rant and looking for any advice from anyone?

TL;DR ive been accused of stealing, I feel uncomfortable living here, I dont know how to navigate this conflict. should I go to an RA, talk to them, or move out?

Ok so we've been living with each other for about a month, and pretty much yesterday I got accused of stealing food + a hairspray.

its 3 girls, we all have our own bedroom, nobody moved into the fourth bedroom so I have my own bathroom and the other 2 girls share one. Pretty much, yesterday morning I was getting ready and was about to leave when my suite mate came out and asked if I had seen her hairspray. I hadn't, so I told her no, and offered to check my own spaces just in case if I had grabbed it by accident and just to double check. Confirmed I didn't have it and left for class, but left my door unlocked and said she's welcome to check my spaces herself just in case.

She sends a text in a shared gc while im in class saying that her stuffs going missing and she feels like she's going crazy, I ask if its about the hairspray. she confirms that and then adds her cookie mix went missing. that was my bad, I confused it for my own so I apologized and replaced it on my way back home. Then my other suite mate says she's noticed someone has been eating her own food, she doesn't mind sharing but to just ask.
I then reply with "yes ofc ill replace the cookie mix thats my bad im really sorry". but I haven't touched anything else. ive bought ice cream once and I meal prep for the week, I have pre made meals, I dont eat deep fried food, I eat rice and ground beef and sometimes pasta. So I know it couldn't have been me.

I later come back from class, I go to take a nap, she knocks at my door for around 5 ish minutes repeatedly and loudly. When I answer, she says she knows I have it and she just wants it back. I dont have it, and if I did I would just give it back at this point, and I offer again for her to check my room + my bathroom if she doesn't believe me. she clearly doesn't believe me but says "no.. its okay.." and walks back to her room. now I feel a bit more uncomfortable but whatever, I dont have her hairspray and I wish her luck in finding it and I take my nap.

today I go to class, I get home a bit early, im having a really rough day and I go to use the bathroom and they start loudly yelling. The girl who's food has been going missing gets upset because her box of garlic knots were opened, and the hairspray girl loudly says "I wish I had my hairspray" and they start talking to each other obviously hinting that im doing this.

I honestly have not touched or grabbed any of their things, the time I did I apologized and replaced it. Even in the past, I bought hair extensions and asked for permission + advice on how to restore them, I didn't have a hair straightener and I asked my suit mate if it was ok to use hers, one said no the other said yes. I noticed some ground beef was going bad in the freezer and I didn't want it to go to waste, so I offered to use my pasta and make Alfredo with ground beef to which she said no, offered the food regardless and I didn't end up taking it.

I just feel like there no benefit of the doubt and there's sort of ganging up on me. since then, they sent these texts to the group chat:

T: plzzz stop touching my stuff please there should be no reason my garlic bread is open. Half the stuff in here isn't mine its meal prep for my boyfriend this is starting to irritate me with noe of this asking shit and im trying to not be conforntational
C: yeah next thing to come up missing....
T: and its like I dont want to take it to the RA's or anything so can we please just get it together

Its just really obviously directed at me and they're both insinuating im stealing, and I get that its frustrating but stuff goes missing all the time, and there's no way to even prove im innocent at this point. and I feel genuinely so uncomfortable to where I dont want to stay here anymore.
Ive already packed some of my things and im gonna stay with a friend for the weekend, just bare necessities for now and ill return to campus to go to class. it just feels like they're very obviously being passive-aggressive, I dont know what to do, ive already said I haven't taken or touched their things, and at this point I dont know what to do.
Should I just go to an RA myself and explain the situation? I dont even stay at this apartment often, my bf has his own place and I have class all morning, evening, I work, and im doing extracurriculars in a lab, so im barely here. I come back to sleep + eat, Fridays I go to his place and I stay there from Friday evening to Monday at noon.
im really only here from either Monday/Tuesday to Thursday evening/friday evening.

My roommate is upset cause she doesn't believe i am vacuuming once a week (I am) and although she leaves out stuff too, its a problem that I do it. The smell of cat pee is so bad in the living room that I can't sit in there without my eyes watering. They're her cats, yet somehow my cleanliness is the problem even though our apartment smells like a farm.