I have a hypothesis that I haven't explored very much but I think is worth at least thinking about.

AGP centres on ownership of the female body, namely enjoyment of her body as her.

I wonder if, imagine there was something deeply important about attachment, as in John Bowlby's attachment theory, secure, insecure, avoidant.

Let's imagine some attachment call it AGPAttachment style, let's say it's not secure, but whether it's insecure, avoidant, all the rest, let's not try define it yet.

What if the brain so deeply learns that normal attachment to the mother and more widely parents is so deeply insecure/avoidant or "vulnerable" that this sets the stage, or "primes" the pre AGP brain, in pre-puberty for AGP.

The pattern of attachment to a partner is deeply important, think about it, men are often possessive of their female partner (and women), sometimes pathologically so, but often to healthy levels.

For example, if your hot wife decides to get a new trainer at the gym who is, I dunno, Pedro Pascal, and she laughs at his jokes and a sparkle in her eye talking to him, and 1 year down the line you have a child who looks uncannily like Pedro Pascal.

Your genes have an evolutionary problem on their hands, lol 😂.

So hopefully I've established this basic premise of "attachment/ownership" - of course they are not the same thing but, you can see just as words there is a relationship.

Now imagine, AGP hits puberty, and let's say the AGP is generally quite ethically and morally adjusted.

That seems quite a strong incentive for an otherwise heterosexual mind to strongly lock on to the AGP fantasy, it offers the idea that, the AGP has perfect secure attachment of the female object/body, because that body is literally his/her own.

Instead of attaching to an independent woman, whose affection and continued presence can never be guaranteed, the individual erotically identifies with the female body itself. The desired object becomes part of the self, and therefore cannot abandon the self.

I think this is plausible somehow, because, take other problematic paraphilias or problematic fantasies.

Namely, men who desire to rape, the paraphilia of making the body of a woman immobile, or a mannequin or even very problematic like corpse or even as far as cannibalism, all though that is truly lookwarped, in these fantasies, the individual gains ownership of the female object by force or the sexual target cannot escape, or in cannibalism, the cannibal "consumes" and makes a permanent part of himself "her" object/body.

Another example is Jeffrey Dahmer who fantasised deeply about making a human zombie of a boyfriend who he could control absolutely.

Sounds a bit dumb, but also consider Adelie penguins, deeply monogamous, forming strong attachments and often 1-2 eggs per breeding session, these penguins often have some.. unique behaviours but it's not worth taking so far.

I also think, there is now an established culture of "transition" - and some trans women especially look indistinguishable from women, I don't think more primitive aspects of the brain can understand this isn't a viable sexual strategy and this "social validation" or the sense in which the brain perceives "others are doing this, therefore it is viable" means higher order rational thinking cannot break the strongly entrenched AGP pattern, that the fantasy is a pure fiction.

I could go into this idea and make it much cleaner, better, and try even formulate scientifically, but meh. Wonder what you guys think.

There is actual research supporting part of my reasoning:

In 2007, psychologist Gurit Birnbaum published a study entitled Beyond the Borders of Reality: Attachment Orientations and Sexual Fantasies. Across two studies, researchers found associations between attachment styles and the content of sexual fantasies. Attachment anxiety was associated with more frequent fantasising and, particularly among men, romantic fantasy themes.

This doesn't establish my specific AGP hypothesis, but it establishes an important precedent: The attachment system and the sexual fantasy system are not independent.

just throwing out some random ideas i've had

Limerence is an involuntary state of intense romantic obsession, fixation, and emotional dependence on another person, known as the "limerent object".

i think the feeling of longing and envy of femininity can be seen as a kind of limerence

it makes a lot of sense especially when you consider how people talk about the romantic aspect ot autoheterosexuality

severe limerence is often caused by things like attachment issues, low self esteem and self worth etc that cause people to crave closeness and 'ideas' of people even if they aren't real

in the same way i think this kind of craving is what causes people to chase after their 'artifact' even if they can't realistically achieve it

i personally do think a lot of agp is about coping, self soothing and a mechanism to feel whole, so imo structurally if you work on becoming more whole outside of agp, it will have less and less of a grip on you - and i am personally finding this to be true so far

this also kind of explains why agp desires drop when in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, as you have something else to fulfill the self esteem hole for a while. but when the novelty and spark fades you go back to old known habits instead of working on the root cause

I don't like "identity" as a concept. It's a very modern, specifically western concept. It has strangely religious, confessional overtones belonging to discourses meant to keep Catholics and Protestants from killing each other, mixed with more recent shifts towards consumerism. The idea of "social status" is much better established in human history throughout societies than "identity," but social status always depends on evidence of social impact.

Even in the trans context, the primacy of identity is incredibly new. Largely, that discourse was adopted to argue against the kind of medical gatekeeping that was the standard when I was transitioning two decades ago. The traditional expectation of trans care was actually that patients would report distress and confusion about their "gender identity." The role of psychiatrists was often to facilitate appropriate candidates in constructing a sense of themselves as women - or else, to affirm that the transvestites were, indeed, men, and straight, and that their sexual interests were besides the point. Fitting the particular individual and their unique circumstance into society as it existed came first, and identity was constructed afterwards in order to accomodate reality. In order to live as a women, it was thought, trans women should be made to feel like women.

By the time I transitioned, it was already well established as a hack that if you walked into your first appointment fully crossdressed spouting, "I've always known in my heart I'm actually a woman!" you could speed run the assessment process and get the result you were looking for. I did it. 3 months before hormones I identified as a straight man with no interest in any kind of body modification - I "wanted to be a woman," but I very much saw myself as a boy. By the time I got my appointment, I'd absorbed all the necessary ideology justifying why the desire for transition "makes you a woman." Those early years of asssessment pushed things to full brainwashing territory. Given my particular trauma, I can't help but see the "trans women are women" identity dogma as a form of abuse.

It took my years to come to terms with the fact that somehow, in some very weird way, I really missed being a guy - badly, even. But it never made sense because I loved everything about my new life. I loved the hair, the makeup, the jewelry, the skirts, and the dresses. I liked my fem body language, my fem voice, relating to women as "one of them," and the way I interested guys. I loved my soft skin and smooth hairless limbs. In short, everything about life as a woman was better. I fit in better, too. I was nicer, and kinder. But I just hated the idea of "being" a woman. For one thing, even during the brainwashing it didn't take long for me to affirm I loved my penis. Beyond that, I felt really strongly that despite my presentation, I wanted "gay sex." Even deeper than that, something inside me raged at the implication that I wasn't allowed to share a sense of self with the transvestite boy I'd been at, say, 15 - that erasure of my personal history was deeply offensive to me. Why couldn't I have everything I love about my life now and still be a boy? Why must I pretend to be a woman to have this? Why is it so wrong for a boy to just be this way?

The other trans subs truly revile me. Hate me. By their account, I personally unleashed the hordes of transphobia to murder transwomen everywhere just by switching back to male pronouns while living as a woman. It's insane. To them, I'm identical to a "cisman," though no comparison could be more laughable. And all because of "identity." I was passing as a woman before some of those bitches were even born. They've turned "identity" into the new gatekeeping, wanting to lock any male who doesn't testify to their cult out of transition, all out of their own intensive internalized self-hatred. For them, the idea of a self-aware male who would want all the femininity of a woman while remaining himself deserves transphobic violence. But to hell with them - that model of transition just isn't healthy!

Spout armchair theories about internal bodyplans all you want. It really doesn't matter. No ones cracking your head open to check and you'll never know. I don't think my "brain sex" is any different than any "normal" transwoman's - if anything, I'm more feminine than most. "Identity" just doesn't matter. It's a story you tell yourself never knowing if it's actually true. What matters is knowing what you want, what you're actually like, what reality you're living with, and wrestling with the problems along the way to pursuing your life's goals realistically.

As someone that use to CD in public I never got the chance to learn to confidently walk in heels. There is something incredibly alluring about seeing an attractive women confidently walk in them even if you don’t see someone walking them you know the sound and instinctively want to look and see like fine art work. Curious to know how others in this sub view them and if it’s something you would say you’re good and if not maybe you have an interest in them the same way I do.

https://youtu.be/yCw27HUbzew

I feel like my sexuality was already well established well before puberty. Did anyone else have AGP experiences as a small child? I don't mean abuse, I mean, the AGP equivalents of "playing doctor."

Mostly, I had all the signs of an effeminate gay, but the episodes I remember as most "pre-sexual" all had AGP themes:

• I used to daydream about being kidnapped by a good looking young man who forced me to live as girl so no one would ever find me while he pretended to be my uncle. I had no idea what sex was, but these fantasies were definitely homoerotic.
• I remember telling my best friend I wished he was a girl so I could marry him, concealing the thought that, actually, I wanted to be his wife.
• One time, me and my best friend were playing in his garage. There was a dress there, very fem. Blue. For some reason, I really wanted to see him wearing it. I teased him, saying he was afraid he'd realize he's gay, but he refused. Finally, I dared him with money, and he wore the dress for me, for 2 dollars. I was really hoping he'd make me wear it next.
• I remember a friend describing it as a practice, among gay men, that one would dress up and pretend to be a girl for the other. I told my friend I had a boner. He asked why. I said something along the lines of, "You know how sometimes when you hear something really gross, you get a boner?" In retrospect, it was definitely arousal.
• I heard an urban legend about a hockey team with two male friends. One was gay and in love with the other. When they grew up, the gay one became a transsexual and seduced the other, only after marriage revealing the truth. The homophobic connotations made me anxious, but I found the story very titalating, and daydreamed about being the trans girl for a long time afterward.

Probably that all sounds more like an HSTS. Perhaps, that could have been my fate, but things played out very differently. I discovered masturbation at 11 trying on a pair of panties and sort of writhing around in bed enjoying the sensation. At first I thought I'd peed myself, but as I was cleaning up, I made the connection to what was described in sex ed. At that age, it was the most pleasurable thing I'd ever felt, and I wanted more, but I as ashamed. I researched how to masturbate properly, but I was too physically underdeveloped for any adult technique to work and wearing panties or girl's bathing suits proved to be an absolute mechanical requirement. I had sessions several times a day and became fixed in my preference for crossdressing at an age when many boys were still "innocent." Since this was what worked, for a time, I even lost my interest in guys, and was even able to convince myself I was straight. Even when I started fantasizing about being made to go down on the one effeminate everyone knew was gay at my school, the thought of having to crossdress for him was the primary stimulus.

To be clear; I’m not implying that I WILL be hosting an AGP Meetup but, theoretically, if someone were to host a meet where all of us could attend, share our stories in a 100% judgement-free environment, and potentially even make new friends, would you consider going? Many of us would, theoretically, be sharing our Autogynephilia experiences verbally for the very first time with another person irl, and I think that would be pretty powerful!

This thought has been on my mind for a few weeks, and I’m genuinely not sure if an AGP Meetup has EVER been held before, but I feel like I WOULD attend something like that if someone were to announce it.

Honest thoughts? No harm intended. I’ve told 5 people in my life and if you’re not comfortable sharing or voting in this poll, no worries at all.

Just curious.

I know this might not be the perfect sub for this but y’all have always been the most sane in the past imo. Detrans & actual detrans don’t seem to be of much help and trans subs tend to ignore/ discredit any negative hrt talk.

3 years hrt for me. Love the body changes but trying to figure out if it’s responsible for the following:

- constant nasal stuffiness. Constant post nasal drip. I get colds so easily. Allergy medication doesn’t help. It’s not contagious. From my research it might be a histamine intolerance that estrogen is amplifying?

- I get overwhelmed by life so easily. I can’t make life descisions. I feel groggy most of the time. I’ve been reading abt how estrogen mtf therapy decrease brain grey matter… potentially related?

- dysphoria has certainly peaked, ebbed & waned since going on e. I almost got a nose job because of it. Now my chin and jawline are bothering me. They say this happens because you’re disassociating from your body pre hrt… I keep wanting to call that bullshit & label this as some sort of reverse dysphoria I’ve given myself.

The main advice I’ve been given is to ”just keep going, it gets better”- but like fuck, I’m loosing hope in that.

I don’t know a single trans friend that’s not on some sort of concoction of medication for depression/ anxiety/ adhd. My therapist keeps suggesting it for me as well. I certainly struggled with depression pre transition and I know that estrogen wasn’t going to fully cure some of those things but damn it feels like it just made it all hella worst.

Perhaps my body is just not meant to run on estrogen.

I know my story is not unique.

Mother's lingerie and lipstick at puberty, masterbaition with the mirror. Sometime later first trans porn, anal play. Something awakens. What's funny — discovered the term autogynephilia some time back then, and was satisfied with relatable explanation and that it's just a fetish and it's OK.

At 16 discovered sissy hypnosis, mind blown. Like, full on critical system override level. I've been an addict since. All I jerk off or anal play to is either sissy or trans stuff.

Some time then, back at uni started crossdressing, too. It was always, undeniably so, driven sexually. Dress up pretty, do makeup, take pretty and kinky pics, jack off to sissy hypnosis videos. Cum, take it all off in disgust and shame, put everything in closet and forget about it until next time.

I'm at my early 30s now and at somewhat of a crossroads. I've been thinking a lot about my life. I know this AGP thing is an inseperable part of me. I honestly enjoy it. I like to look pretty, do makeup, dress up in nice lingerie and outfits that flatter my physique. I don't want to live in secrecy and guilt anymore. I've learned not to hate myself for having this kink, and I no longer remove and hide everything feminine after cumming.

I guess ultimately, I have 3 options going further with my life.

1. Supression. It doesn't work. After some purges, trying to "be normal", hypermasculine compensation (gym, "macho" persona) - it just returns every time, and a little stronger each. I don't want to do it anymore.
2. Compartmentalization - my way so far. Problem is, the mental and life toll is significant and heavy. I don't want to be a dirty secret fetish person anymore. I've learned not to shame. But I also don't want to hide.

I want to live a normal life and have a family someday. I love women. Let's be honest and real here, vast majority of women don't like feminine boys. Some might be open and accepting at first, but very quickly it turns to disgust, dissapointment and disrespect. Women are attracted to masculinity and that's that.

I also MIGHT like men, but I've been smart enough so far not to hookup with men in the heat of sissy arousal. If I ever try men, this will be from a place of genuine attraction and love.

Another critical reason not to do that — I do NOT want to become "that old ugly transvestite". This just might be the worst outcome. I just KNOW, that some day, when I have a family, loving wife and kids, when I supress this kink or practice in secret for that long — there might be a boiling point when Ill just say fuck it and go hookup with random men as a sissy.

1. Soft feminine integration and ultimately, maybe transition. This is what I've been thinking about lately. If I can't escape the circle of guilt and doubt, maybe it is time to reframe it, become the circle.

I'm generally a soft, subtle person. Feminine appearance suits me, and I might switch my wardrobe towards gentle androgynous styles at first. I might try and make some female friends without any sexual undertones. Maybe makeup courses and such.

And if it fits me as a lifestyle, even with underlying sexual drive beneath it all as a core, so what? Maybe I deserve to be happy and live the rest of my life as a woman, not as a man with dirty secret noone apart from AGP folks will truly understand, and hate myself for it.

I guess this is just my train of thought so far. I'm not really asking for anything in particular, neither encouragement nor critique.

Just throwing it out there, maybe someone will find it relatable.

Please, your thoughts are welcome and appreciated, kindly.

I’ve been in this sub for over three years now. I went through the whole man stuck in a woman’s body thing to finding this sub. I won’t take all of you through the same song and dance we hear regularly.

I have a question, where’s Phil? What is his current position on this and where does he currently stand?

I have to say I will probably never pursue a woman because I know the implications of that. I’ve looked into the cross dresser wives sub too and I couldn’t ever do that to somebody. Definitely at a crossroads in my life and my AGP is so deeply ingrained I have to make a decision for my future.

If any people who’ve been in this sub for some time would like to comment and give some updates on their lives, that would be appreciated.

Sorry for the grammar issues and stuff, I’m feeling very lazy.

I’ve been thinking about this as I have always had a very high sex drive. For me, sex and masturbation are when I truly feel I can connect with my feminine side. I don’t get PNC per se, but afterwards I feel the desire to act and feel feminine drop. However, it’s always the thing I’m looking forward to the most the next time I start feeling horny.

I feel like this identity exploration makes it so much more desirable so I wonder if we just generally have high libidos because of that.

(SORRY LONG POST)

This is a question that stuck with me and I think I know the answer now.

Since my childhood I have spent a huge amount of time crossdressing in secret, imagining about being a girl, agp, watching hours of porn on this topic, hypnosis, chatted with people on reddit, watched hours of youtube videos of gender transition, makeup, feminine mannerisms, listened to girly songs, watched chic flick movies, i used to put Gewn Stacy and Lucia image on my profile.

But deep down i felt wrong for having these desires, so i suppressed them.

I went out to become a "righteous strong man" with no feminine interests.

When I saw a post with a similar title like "Where did all the time we spend on agp go?". I wondered where did it go? I couldn't remember those events of my life. I couldn't remember a single feminine thing i did.

I forgot myself, my feelings and the relationships I had with people around me at the time.

I felt hollow and lost. but i couldnt remember. During my alpha male phase I used to look around and judged everyone, i used to think don't these people have anything else to do? Why are they being so perverted? They are being so unrighteous and irresponsible. And i was right. I was perfect, flawless. I truly genuinely forgot the hours I spent watching porn, being messy and irresponsible. It is scary. But i think the standards and expectations were way too high for me that cutting off my feminine interest was the only way forward for me at the time. But in doing so i actually forgot those events, memories and feelings of my life.

I was also running. Doing work and work and work to hide from myself. Then i hit a wall and i realised that i always get things done but it never magically changed me, i am gonna get things done again but it won't change me too. So i gotta sit with myself and accept myself for who I am.

Then i started a fresh start, noticed i have interest in female shoes, clothes makeup, hair and that i am also into some guys too. I purchased some panties and camisoles. Gemini helped me find a best fit sizing. I have also gotten comfortable purchasing those things on my own now. It's not a big scary thing as we tend to think. You can buy online and no one cares.

I am not running anymore. Even the people who i used to be there for and supported during my alpha male phase ignored me when I was in this lost hollow messy phase. I am done thinking things from their side. Cause even when I was messy I still tried to be nice. I am done suppressing my feminine side.

This is who I am. I have accepted that I like feminine stuff. I have interest in feminine things and I like collecting them even if I won't get to wear them everyday or present at work.

This is who I am. The only reason why i was able to remember the time I spend on agp is because i finally accepted myself.

We all have heard that porn had influence on our AGP. I really want to know the real truth and how it is similar or different for everyone. For me, the only thing i did even before having a phone myself was to crossdress and masturbate imagining as a woman. But there was no stress, anxiety or identity confusion.

From age 15 started watching porn, mixed wrestling, sissy, femdom, and then trans and live sex cams along with meta attraction since last 2 years. The idea of meta attraction popped up after started watching trans woman/ shemale porn with dudes instead of women. Watching them made me plant a high dopamine Bomb in my mind that faking attraction to men increases the feminity and arousal to an all time peak. The word men itself can be a turn on while dressed. And then many bombs similar.

This leads to myself questioning that it’s the f***ing porn which made me what I’m now. And I’m happy to live my life as a crossdressing male even if my family throws me out because I’ve accepted myself but not porn. I can’t allow an external material to influence my mind.

Has anyone successfully stopped porn while still crossdress.

after nearly a decade of navigating gender identity difficulties, I wanted to put together a short practical guide of things that have helped me manage dysphoria and things that I wish I had done differently.

1. try to be kind to yourself. don’t torture yourself for feeling dysphoric. there is a clinical basis for dysphoria, gender incongruity disorder. you shouldn’t punish yourself with shame or guilt because you have a psychiatric disorder.
2. autogynephilia doesn’t invalidate your dysphoria. stop convincing yourself that you just have to accept feeling profoundly unhappy with your gender identity because you don’t believe that you meet the criteria for being hsts or ‘trutrans’.
3. don’t be dogmatic about the literature. this is kind of an extension to the previous point. blanchard’s typology is an important insight, but it doesn’t explain everything. hypotheses in the literature shouldn’t supersede your own lived experience of dysphoria.
4. transition doesn’t have to be drastic. it can be gradual. you can progress at whatever pace you are comfortable with. it doesn’t have to be this critical point of change. it can just be a series of relatively mundane adjustments. try not to build it up to be more than it really needs to be.
5. gender incongruity is a lifelong condition. if you are intending to repress you have to seriously consider whether it’s something you can maintain for the rest of your life. that isn't to say that it can't be managed effectively, but it's always going to be there in the background.
6. short-term repression has no benefit. this is an extension to the previous point. repression in the short-term has no reward. if you initially opt to repress and later transition, the likelihood of your transition being successful decreases the longer you wait to change strategies.
7. avoid attempts to hyper masculinize yourself. a further extension to the previous points. intentional masculinization can be an effective method to temporarily affirm a masculine identity, but you may sorely regret it if you later decide to transition.
8. if you are going to repress, remain malleable. this is the final extension to the previous points. ideally, you should attempt to maximize your malleability. attempting to masculinize intrinsically distances you from femininity. attempting to feminize intrinsically distances you from masculinity. remaining in the middle ground minimizes your distance from either polarity should you later change strategies.
9. don’t catastrophize transition as the worst case scenario. this is particularly relevant for those with t-ocd. transition can be challenging, but it's not the end of the world. the more you catastrophize transition, the more intrusive those obsessive thoughts become. I appreciate it's counterintuitive, but accepting transition as a potential outcome can help significantly. it can be an effective strategy to disempower the distress invoked by those intrusive thoughts.
10. begin aspects of social transition preemptively. aligning with feminine behaviors, mannerisms, and interests whilst you’re still presenting as a man can create a more hospitable social environment for transition. if you are widely perceived to be gay or effeminate prior to transition, people in your social environment are more likely to be sympathetic.
11. comparison is the thief of joy. everybody has their own individual set of circumstances. it can be effective to draw inspiration from those with more favorable circumstances, but you should try to avoid comparison. this is more difficult said than done, particularly when those with more favorable circumstances tend to be highly visible on social media.

thank you for reading through. hopefully this is of help to somebody.

So, just as background for those who aren't chronically here: I'm an AGP on HRT. I still present as a man because (A) I'm in a part of my life where I can't focus on social transition and (B) I have unfortunately masculine physical features that make me anxious about being in public with feminine presentation. Regardless, HRT has helped me a lot because average male libido was exhausting to me, so it provides a great deal of relief.

I don't experience male typical arousal anymore. I don't get erections without intentional stimulation, with an exception being a very infrequent nocturnal erection. I also am not aroused by AGP content and think it is really lame now, but this seems to be a personal experience rather than a universal one. Instead, I've started experiencing what I'd call "feeling funny". It's something I never really felt before HRT. Basically, when I see someone attractive, I feel warm inside, in what I can only describe as sunshine within. I can't help but feel like laughing or smiling. For as long as I can recall, I never understood the whole notion of instinctively smiling at someone you find cute that I often saw in media. For me, it'd always been a flat, almost dazed expression. Attraction was nothing to be happy about, if I recall. Now, it finally feels like how I guess it's portrayed. It's hard to describe, but it's basically like wanting to be touched, to connect, because that will make the sun within shine even more intensely.

Anyway, with that out the way, there's this guy who I only really know as an acquaintance. Actually, he was the one who first "approached" me and a group of people I know better. That's how we introduced each other. I had kind of been giving him unintentional looks across the room and he unexpectedly walked up to us. I don't even know why I did it, it just was, y'know, what felt right? Regardless, our first interaction was pretty awkward. He asked me about me and general stuff, but like, yeah, it was just awkward because we're both awkward people. He's also kind of a nerdy guy, which I don't really mind? This interaction was all preHRT, by the way.

Fast forward to me acquiring the funny feeling toward people I find attractive. Recently, I saw him during an event. And he sat fairly close to me in the audience. For whatever reason, the funny feeling was overwhelming this time, like more intense than it has ever been. I couldn't even focus, I just felt so silly and like I wanted to cuddle and laugh. It was entirely him to blame. It didn't help that we caught each other looking a couple times. Now, after this experience, I kind of just keep thinking about it and also him.

The thing is: he's nothing like the faceless muscular man from typical AGP fantasies. He has a pretty man face. Almost slightly androgynous. He's not muscular although he is taller than me, which I like, I suppose. He has fairly long hair. His eyes are nice to look into and make the funny feeling crescendo. From what people say, he's a super sweet guy and not at all overtly dominant. He's nerdy but I think that's kind of cute. I don't get it. It's not the exaggeratedly masculine, dominant and borderline abusive man with no face. Yet I can't stop thinking about him (and, in lapses of shame, I wish I was his girlfriend.)

I've really started wondering if this is real attraction. I haven't thought about AGP-centric thoughts in months, yet here I am pining over a man. This feels so automatic, it's almost unsettling. I've never liked the idea that people might think I'm gay. In fact, it really upsets me. That's why this experience feels like a mix of joy and disdain to me. I almost wish I could tell myself it was "pseudo" in some way just to put it to rest. But I can't control it.

I've slowly invited the idea that maybe I am just bi. That really frightens me. I just don't think I can truly believe it. Maybe hormones are doing this to me? Maybe meta-attraction has become hindbrained? I'm not really sure, but the feelings I'm getting are not like anything I've felt before and it's all just overwhelming, though not in the same negative way as AGP was.

I've been out as trans most of my life. Since my teens. I was always read and accepted woman - I get a lot more genuine uncertainty than I get clocked, which I'm cool with. The truth is, I don't actually think I'm a trans woman. I'm a boy. I'm a boy who needs to "pretend" to be a woman. That's not the dysphoria talking. It's how I actually want to identify. I've wrestled with this my entire like. On my first year of hormones I was already experimenting with boymode looking for what I'd "lost" without ever feeling like the issue was resolved.

I was recently diagnosed with high-masking autism. That's a big part of what makes sense of all this for me. I was really effeminate, growing up, and showed early signs of being gay. Well before puberty I escaped into a lot crossdressing fantasies where I was allowed to just be effeminate... and enjoy nice fabrics, and be excused from male violence and physical labor. I was exposed to transgenderism early on, and I started wanting to be a "transsexual" when I grew up, but my understanding of transsexualism was naive. I thought it was just full-time crossdressing plus optional plastic surgery (which I didn't want). The way it worked on TV, once a transsexual was exposed, everyone reverted to male pronouns and identified her as a boy - and I liked that. To me, that felt like an affirmation of who I wanted to be. I strongly identified with being a long haired boy - I was into comics, video games, cartoons, my male friends who I was basically in love with, martial arts, swimming, and exploring the local woods. I was just a long haired effeminate boy who wanted a femme appearance and lifestyle.

I hit puberty, early, and started actually crossdressing. The fantasies turned hypersexual very quickly... Basically, I replaced all my autistic stimming with windows of masturbation throughout the day. It was full of tension, fear and shame, but it was also the most intense, effective, and enduring relief, comfort, and pleasure I had from constant anxiety and overstimulation. I think that's why I felt I had to transition. I wanted to stay in the only real context where I just felt good. Even though I liked being a long-haired boy - I hated the idea of having to be some big, hairy, bearded dude. I didn't want to be a woman with boobs and curves either - I wanted to stay exactly as I was. Since that wasn't an option, I opted to finish puberty as a woman, and hoped I'd end up as flat and curvless as my mom (I was close, fortunately).

My libido went down once I got on hormones, but I was still at it once or twice a day, but my fantasies still centered on, well, me in cute outfits - with guys, or transfemmes who liked feeling "male" under the clothes, like I do. I wasn't, like, turned on all day, but the comfort I was seeking was there. To actually get turned on I needed to be (consensually) acknowledged as a "boy," and called male pronouns, or seen naked. The consensual part was important - because it's very different when I know someone's "misgendering" with the intention to insult me. I really wanted gay men to be into me.

People say "transvestitism" is an "inverted heterosexuality," but it was never like that for me. It was, like... a reassurance I really was a boy by contrast. I was such a failure at masculinity I needed to dress as a woman just to be certain I wasn't one, and that identification of my own maleness was super hot. I also understood the male gaze, very well, and how men approach women they're into, and I really wanted to look a way that would provoke that kind of attention. I'm super into cute outfits and costumes and stuff, but I want the person wearing those clothes to feel "male" - think "femboy, with nice muscles".

Anyway, it's been killing me for years this feeling that I wasn't a real transwoman - I was just some guy who transitioned out of transvestic fetishism... I was so ashamed to think I was an "partial autogynophile," even though, in my case the label kinda fit. Besides all the shame, there was also the fact that I really fit the the "homosexual transsexual" label much better in every respect other than the TV kink. I mean, I know Blanchard is problematic science... But, like, those are still the most honest labels I have, and I think I should be able to talk honestly about myself without being sentenced to shame and humiliation the rest of my life just because my experience was anchored in sexuality. Sexuality can bring a lot of comfort and confidence. Really, the big refinements I'd make to Blanchard is that - I think autism is the missing link that explains why a fundamentally male transvestite could become grounded in a female "identity" due to the overwhelming comfort and relief involved - and I think you can be an effeminate gay male and still be sexually grounded in transvestitism (although maybe that's an autistic thing too). I'm in no place to judge whether it's like this for other people... But this what it's like for me.

TLDR: I've been a transwoman my entire life, but I'm convinced I'm actually an autistic gay male autogynophile.

**Note:** This post was translated from Japanese into English using a translation tool.

I’m curious whether the ability to ejaculate through non-AGP stimuli is associated with gender dysphoria among AGPs.

※ If you have lost the ability to ejaculate due to HRT or SRS, answer based on your state immediately before you lost that ability.

The great Irony of gender critical discourse is that detransitioners themselves prove an extremely strong argument for an internal, sexed body schema.

Take FTMTF detransitioners as an example They constantly describe their deep repulsion to the aesthetic effects of Testosterone, the deep voice, thick hair, masuline facial structure and the general switch towards male dimorphism as something that they hated. And how they regret and abhor masculinizing their bodies and losing their feminine features.

Note that a significant part of their complaints are not about functional losses or health effects but about change to their bodies phenotype and how wrong it makes them feel.

But this is precisely what the gender-critical model struggles to explain. If we do not have a sense of the sexed schema of the body we ought to inhabit then why is this such a nigh universal complait among detrans ppl.

The obvious implication is that people possess an internal representation of their own bodies, including their sexed characteristics, which can come into conflict with their actual physical development. And if this representation can lead a female-born person to experience testosterone-induced masculinisation as intolerable, there is no principled reason why a male-born person could not possess the same kind of representation, with the opposite relationship to their natal sex.

You cannot inisist that sexed body phenotype is completely irrelevant to a humans self perception except insofar society and societal pressure teaches us to care for them while at the same type time treating aesthetic changes as a huge violation.

I wanna be a normal man but this awful icky feeling inside me keeps surfacing back again and makes me feel so sickeningly warm. Just a bunch of "I wish". I wish this, I wish that. It's sickening. I just wish I could've been a normal man, because I don't wanna be a slave to some hypothetical femsona that doeant exist. I don't even feel like a real person. The only time I've felt normal as an adult was on that fucking hormone shit and I don't wanna do it. It's almost forced, forced because what else am I supposed to do? The alternatives have been awful to the point I can barely get up in the morning. The walls have closed around me and are squeezing me, it's gonna be doing this forever? I want it to go away. I want it to stop.

But if I say anything about this people look at me like I'm crazy. It's all trauma bs, but I don't know how to even parse it. And even so AGP wouldn't go away. I wish things were so different. I don't want to be doing this 30 years from now. And I feel scammed by both levers telling me I gotta do something or else... It's a hostage situation. I don't wanna live like this it's fucking maddening. But I feel like the only way to be good is to chemically castrate myself so I can feel normal, even then it doesn't let me function all too well.

It makes me cry to think about, how far I've fallen. I feel so much disgust and anger; shame and guilt. I just get to daydream about an entire life that never existed. Things that never were in both directions and I feel so alone. So very lonely. We are in hell slowly getting our limbs torn piece by piece as the mind melts. That is what AGP feels like.

**Note:** This post was translated from Japanese into English using a translation tool.

I just opened the Reddit app and this post appeared at the top of my feed. That was how I found out about his birthday for the first time.

https://www.reddit.com/r/4tran4/s/4kvEdGXEX8

Coincidentally, I created my Reddit account on October 9 last year. I also received a notification from the app reminding me that today marks the first anniversary of my account.

In Japan, the concept of AGP is virtually unknown, and there are practically no forums where people can share their struggles with AGP. I joined Reddit after hearing that there were forums where people could discuss AGP.

I had no idea when Blanchard’s birthday was, and I hadn’t been thinking about it at all. Yet, by sheer coincidence, the anniversary of my joining Reddit falls on his birthday.

I guess I really am cursed by AGP after all.

Happy birthday, Blanchard.

About 200 days ago, I posted here about wanting to quit this "lifestyle." I'm not completely past it yet, but things are getting better, and I wanted to share what's changed and what has helped.

Where I was
In 2025 and the start of 2026, I went through an intense phase:
- Masturbating daily, sometimes multiple times a day
- Generating a huge number of AI images of myself in all sorts of outfits and situations, which took up a lot of my time and attention
- Crossdressing, posting pictures of myself online, and chatting with people
- Meeting up with men twice for sexual encounters
- Spending a LOT of time thinking about who I am and whether I should transition

What changed and what helped
Eventually, the whole thing started to feel boring. A couple of things still get me going, but overall it's fading, almost as if I've done and seen everything.

Over time, the conversations with strangers online started to feel repetitive. They followed the same patterns, and I couldn't keep convincing myself they were real connections. At the end of the day, it was just kink play.

I also untangled some of my thinking. I believe trans women exist and are valid, but for a long time I had this odd internal logic: if I wasn't trans, then it somehow didn't make sense for anyone else to be either. I know that sounds strange. I also eventually noticed was that those thoughts only showed up when I was aroused, and that I had a pretty distorted idea of what being a woman actually is. I've come to see that some men, like me, are a bit more feminine and submissive than others, and that's okay too.

Recognizing that porn addiction was a big part of what fueled all of this was a turning point. I uninstalled the apps, and even though I still reinstall them now and then, it's far less than before.

Identifying my triggers helped a lot too: weed, boredom, stress, and bad days at work. Just this week, I was feeling down. Before, I probably would have stayed home and gotten lost in the kink. This time, I went out for drinks with friends instead.

More than anything, I focused on understanding the origins and mechanisms behind all of this rather than trying to purge everything overnight.

To give a sense of the change, I'm now down to masturbating once or twice a week. At my peak, I was dressing up three or four times a week. In the last four months, it's been about four times total.

I'm now considering donating my (very large) clothing collection. I held on to it because many people here said purging never actually helped them, and that matched my own experience. Now it feels like letting go might come from a calmer place.

My main takeaway is that I was never able to get my AGP under control as long as I was fighting it without understanding it.

What I've been focusing on instead
I've been putting my energy into sports and hiking, cooking, and being a better, more thoughtful friend. I've started dressing better and practicing talking to women. Recently, a woman actually approached me, which felt surreal, and I think the energy I give off has changed too. Overall, I'm enjoying and rediscovering everything else life has to offer.

The next challenge
This is where a new battle starts. Almost a decade of this, especially the last three years of being deep in it and avoiding relationships, has left me genuinely scared of women. It feels like I'm carrying a big secret that I don't want to disclose to, or impose on, a partner. But now that I'm getting it under control and that it's fading away, I'll allow myself to get back into dating.

Has anyone else been through something similar?