Listen, me no like smex or romance.

But women.

((I just like leaning towards women in other forms. Also I managed to hide everything as welll, thank you everyone that helped! :D))

Hey, im not aroace but I feel like this is the only community that would get it honestly.

I Love my friends too much, especially best friends. i end up making such deep bonds that it fulfills for me any need of a romantic relationship, even without any of the romantic stuff envolved. I put them so high up in priority that it feels what society expects of a romantic relationship; wanting to move in togheter, talking daily, wanting the family to meet eachother, hell i'd adopt a kid even with them. the problem is that a romantic partner eventually arives, and i am no longer their number one, and all that planning and dedicated time vanishes. dont get me wrong, i know is normal for people to go down that path in life with a romantic partner, and in the end no matter how much pain it causes me, i just want them to be happy, even if it means i will be a minor role.

But it leaves me with something similar to a heartache, like a breakup, it wrecks me to my core. and i feel so helpless looking at the future, knowing it will happen again and again and that i probably will end up in a lonely apartment. do any of you have a similar feeling? how can i help it? it fills me with so much dread.

i miss them lmao

Recently this has come to mind since a friend of mine has begun dating someone. It especially feels weird since I've only known one person who was in a romantic relationship, but I didn't feel as weirded out and uncomfortable.

A bit of background context, I have identified as aroace for ~1 year straight, but it's been on and off for the past 3-4 years. To be blunt, I'd absolutely hate to be in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. I also suspect I might be neurodivergent, but have yet to recieve a diagnosis.

Now, on to what's causing this conversation. A recently made friend (it's been around 3 months since I first met him) started dating someone recently, and when he told me, I got extremely uncomfortable and maybe even upset. I don't understand why I felt this way, but I know that I want to stay entirely out of the love talk.

About a year ago, someone I knew for ~4-6 years, got a partner. I will admit I (and several other people) were a bit suspicious of his date, thinking he was just lying for clout. Though, later on, I started helping him with his dating troubles, which I was content with.

The thing is I just don't understand what the difference is and why I don't feel comfortable sometimes and do other times. Is it just the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships that change things? Something else?

Thanks if you read this, and especially if you reply. :)

Okay, obviously I do not mean all allos but it frustrates me to no end when they think the 'little no attraction" means "SOME aroace people are normal don't you see!" When in actuality that little to no attraction refers to QPR and they just refuse to comprehend that aroace people aren't allo just like them.

Hello! First time poster here.

I’ve managed to reach the conclusion that im either Demi AroAce, Oriented AroAce, or just socially akward af.

I’ve never found myself relating to the people around me when they’re all like “OMG he’s/she’s/they’re so hot”, perpetually dating and breaking up with people, and when anything romantic is shown either in any form of media I immediately just go “ewww” and look away and try not to puke, but I very rarely (like once in a blue moon type event) form romantic feelings for someone and what’s even more is that I’m just socially akward af in general because of AuDHd so that also impacts on how I interact with and view people.

And just thinking about it, what even is the difference between DemiAroAce and Oriented AroAce? Like aren’t they kinda the same thing?

Edit: after looking at the FAQ post, I’ve also realised some extra bits:
- I don’t really want to be in/ care about a relationship

-when my friends point at a conventionally attractive
person n are like “OMG they’re so hot”, i can see why they’re like that, but I kinda just…don’t care

-same when i see them get into relationships, i just don’t care and am like “good for you”

-Ive gone down the pipe of Asexual -> Biromantic asexual-> AroAce

-When I talk to people in general im usually extroverted, but when it comes to love/relationships im insanely introverted and am like “idk what my type is i’ll just love whoever falls into my arms”

-I often find myself aesthetically interested in men like Arthur Morgan and MGS3 Snake, like I just think they look “hot” (cool is more accurate imo) but I don’t wanna be with them like romantically

-When I listen to songs about love I always take them platonically instead of romantically

Thank you for any advice/responses in advance!

I feel like some of us need to hear this more often.

There is nothing wrong with you if you've never fallen in love. There is nothing wrong with you if you've never experienced sexual and/or romantic attraction. There is nothing wrong with you if you never will experience attraction. There is nothing wrong with you if you don't want a relationship.

You're not broken. You're not behind. You're not missing some essential part of being human.

I know it's difficult when so much of the world revolves around romance and sex. When people talk about finding the one, getting married, having crushes, or experiencing attraction as though these things are universal milestones we're all supposed to reach. It can make you feel like you're standing outside of something everyone else understands. Like there's a rulebook everyone received except you.

But there is no deadline. There is no requirement to experience attraction. And you don't owe anyone a relationship or an explanation.

You are allowed to be exactly where you are. You are allowed to be aroace.

You are a whole person already. You have interests, opinions, humour, kindness, dreams, and a life that is yours to build. Your capacity for attraction does not determine your worth.

You don't need to be fixed. You don't need to justify your existence. You are not less human because you experience the world differently.

There is no amount of self-hatred that will change who you are. Peace begins when you finally stop waging war against yourself. Don't trap yourself in a mold that was never meant for you.

Bro, sí no le han dicho a sus padres que son aroaces van a entender esto. Porque mi mamá me jode con el "novio" o "besos al novio" y eso me incomoda un poco. O de "hijos" cuando soy asexual también. Sinceramente prefiero los perros y gatos, porque son fieles y te quieren, no como un hijo puede odiarte.

chat how do i find other aroace people in my area, i was thinking we need to have like a universal bat signal or something. I might trying lurking in queer communities but even then I dont meet any aroace peeps :( !!

Hello, it’s my friend’s 21st birthday soon. She’s a huge bookworm and often shares her frustrations about there not being any good aromantic, asexual, or aroace representation in the books she reads. I was wondering if anyone knows of any books that fit this criteria:
-NOT ROMANCE FOCUSED (fine it’s just part of the story but not specifically a romance book)
-Preferably YA/fantasy genre (her fav authors are Naomi Novik, and Lynette Noni)

In my research I found This Golden Flame by Emily Victoria, and Wander the Night by Sydney Cobb.

Any recommendations would be amazing, or if you’ve read either of these, could you tell me what you thought/ if you’d recommend them. I’d really appreciate your help.

I haven't ever experienced sexual attraction, romantic attraction yes but the moment it's reciprocated I lose interest and become uncomfortable

Even when my friends show a bit too much intrest and care for me i become uncomfortable.

I value friendship over love , partially because I think friendship is love

I can't differentiate between platonic and romantic feelings

I would be okay with not having a relationship but i really want a good emotional companionship

About physical stuff i was sa'ed so I don't know if it's because I associate touch with bad things or im just ikd

Also ever since I was like 4 I've been telling everyone I don't ever wanna get married

Help girl help

I'm on aroace spectrum (lithromantic)(lowkey lesbian) and identify as enby.

So the thing is I'm not able to interact with people properly and I want to change that because I don't like my current state.

When it comes to boys, I talk fine at first convo, but ts is tough for me, because I don't know how to interact with men. If I do like the vibe I might open up, but then they don't last for most parts, because idk how to talk. And if they do, I feel it yk when they pry into your personal life and space, try to stretch convos and talk about work (?) just to talk - that they are inhibiting romantic interest for me - it kills my emotions (idk if i'm getting it wrong or right, but somehow my brain is indoctrinated to think that a boy giving me attention means they like me (please help how to remove this as well)) . The attention they give feels amazing, that someone likes you - gives dopamine like none other (not to mention how this one time a boy who i looked at as a good friend - tried telling me how my i should cure my autism and queerness and grow up (???), his skewed worldview makes me barf, but the attention it's addicting, no matter how horrible that relationship is).

And when it comes to girls, it is as if they already have an established popular group or they just don't click with me (I'm in an engineering course so yk how disheartening the ratio is). The pool isn't enough. And somehow if we do talk, I mask myself and take an excruciating amount of time to actually open up. Because I admire many women I've met and I want them to like me back a certain degree, so that we can build our relation. This cycle of masking myself and slowly opening up - which is scary as well coz idk when I will step on a landmine (due to my neurodivergence ig) - takes long and before I know it, they're gone

I desperately wish for a huge friend group, irrespective of gender, boundaries, but gender does come to play somehow in my daily life because of straight boys and my neurodivergence. I'm selective in my people which makes me want to interact with more people, but then it ends in failure most of the time. I want to embody a soul that is able to connect to all, but I'm not able to.

PS: My feelings are all over the place and idk how to formulate those into something comprehensible. I'm sorry ik I'm asking for help but my phrasing doesn't help. But I just needed to get this off my chest. Being queer is so tough, battling my emotions each day, because I can't simply state "I'm aroace, don't show romantic interest towards me, open to a qpr(women preferably)". God I wish I could.

Hi to anyone who will read this and thank you.

A little about me to give context. I am sex-repulsed and have trauma regarding sexual content (I will not get into detail and please don't ask me to) and I now freeze whenever I unexpectedly come across something nsfw. If I know about it I can prepare myself mentally but otherwise I get terrified and shut down.

I've talked about this with my therapist and she just kinda... Brushed it off and told me I will just need to get used to living in a world where it's the norm. My family members seem... Annoyed by this. They tell me to just get over it, that I'm exaggerating and need to realize that it's a normal part of human life. Well certainly not my life. I've tried to explain my experience to them and they seemed to understand, but then went back to just treating me normally and ignoring my needs, saying I can't ask others to change themselves and can only work on myself. Which is fair and I agree with that. But I don't think I'm asking them to change themselves... Or am I?

And now I genuinely don't know what to do. Like I'm crying as I write this because of how stressful it has become to live with. Do I just have to deal with it? Thicken my skin until it doesn't affect me? Is there nothing to do? I don't know anymore.

Thank you to anyone who reads this and possibly comments. I appreciate you.

TLDR

Think I’m aro, value friendships above all. Don’t really have “like/love” feelings for anyone, in any type of relation to me (other than pets lol). Instead of feeling “like/love”, I find things I value in people..is that normal? Do people who identify as aro resonate? Please share!

Intro

Hi Everyone! I’m 28 F and recently came to the realization that I could be aromantic. My understanding is that aromanticism is a spectrum. I’m hoping to share some experiences and see if anyone can relate and possibly let me know how they came about identifying themselves.

I’ve read a few things these past few days - being aromatic means you experience little to no romantic attraction towards others, aromantics generally value platonic friendships higher than romantic relations, etc. I would say I found myself in some of the words I’ve read.

I’ve been through the journey of thinking I’m asexual, demisexual, straight, pan, lesbian, or bi…and I don’t know, after a few years of my friends trying to slap a label on me I kind of just describe myself as “I go with whatever and see what happens”.

Take on Platonic Friendships

I’ve always valued friendships more than any “romantic” relationship I was pursuing in the moment. Whenever I was younger and we’d talk about celebrity crushes, I would always state I’d rather be their friend. Frankly, I value my relationships with friends over ones with family. However, I’m not sure I would say I “love” my friends. I’ve learned that I value and admire each of my friends for a certain reason, and that’s what makes me like them and want to be around them. But when they asked me to tell them I love them, I just can’t seem to do it. But I know I’m fond of them…

Take on Romantic Relationships

When it comes to romantic relations, I’ve always struggled. I’m never sure if I am feeling the correct thing. It takes months for me to develop any sort of feeling towards the person, aside from knowing I like them enough to continuously hang out with them. I can draw a line very easily, either we are friends or friends that do more than friends stuff. I typically end up being the “avoidant asshole” who can’t reciprocate feelings and leaves once feelings become too big…it’s because I feel bad and don’t want to lead a person on. And then once the more the friends aspect has been cut off, I can immediately hop back on the just friends wagon without any regrets or lingering feelings.

These past two years I’ve tried to stop focusing on feeling what I think is supposed to be felt in a romantic relationship (romance lol) and discovered that, surprise, I actually can value the people I’m seeing romantically. I’m not sure why, but it is easier for me to find value in a person when I view them through my friendship lens vs romantic lens. I dated a guy for 6 months and learned that I have immense respect for him. I’ve been seeing a guy for over a year, and I have deep appreciation for him. Could these just be my equivalent for liking a person? Throwing “love” out the window, I can’t even say I “like” them…but obviously I do???

But then I know I have the ability to “like” a person, because there was one guy I can say with 98% accuracy that I had feelings for…I know I “liked” him. However, I have not been able to recreate what I felt towards him, with anyone else, so was it actually “like”? With the other people, it took months to find something I valued in them (yeesh sounds bad), with him it was an immediate attraction…so maybe I’m confusing attraction for “like/love”.

Well, now I feel like a bad person who’s incapable of love. I know I love my pets…anyways thanks for sticking around and reading this far!

My bf of two years, has not had sex with me in a year. We’ve only had sex once and in his defense he is up there in age (60’s) but it’s suspicious. The last time we were supposed to have sex he couldn’t get it up so he asked me to get the dildo that we had purchased for nights like that and somehow it ended up getting used on him. He enjoyed it and came and it honestly didn’t feel like his first time because the dildo was 7 inches and thick and he did protest or wince, not even once. I need your expertise on how to get him comfortable enough to just tell me. We love each other so I wouldn’t leave him but that also would be the end of any potential sexual activity since I would never want to have sex with a man that has sex with men. I see him as a life partner but maybe in a polyandry kind of way.

I need your help, there has to be a way to find out.

Hi there. 18F here, I recently started college and I’m struggling with the fact I cannot experience attraction or any of the usual emotions everyone else experiences. I guess I knew deep down that I don’t experience any form of attraction but it hit really hard for me after accepting it recently because I grew up in a family that despises any form of LQBTQIA+ and being straight is what’s considered normal.

I think it’s internalized aphobia, don’t get me wrong, I supported all my queer friends throughout high school but I just don’t want to accept me. I feel like I’m cursed with never being able to feel a close connection, but at the same time I’ll never be able to have a normal life. I wish I was normal so freaking bad- I’d do anything. I once even considered conversion therapy even though I know it’s not good. I’ve always struggled with chronic depression but I feel like it’s only been getting worse for me and I’m so stuck and tired and sad. Is there any possible way I could somehow get over it or am I just royally fucked for life…

this is really cringe to admit but I listen to those like boyfriend/girlfriend asmr videos 😔😔 sue me, they help me fall asleep cuz I don’t like being alone lol. but jokes aside, as the title says, there’s not enough platonic audios, which sucks. even as a cupioaroace, I don’t enjoy all the romance and pet names and kissing noises… like can’t we just cuddle platonically? and it’s even worse when I’m looking for depression aids cuz being showered with compliments and pet names is the last thing I want.

I guess what I’m trying to get at here is that I wish us aroaces were allowed to have the type of connection and comfort allos get. is all I’m saying ig.

not sure what the flair should be, but since I’m mostly just complaining, I put it under vent lol

I badly desire to be noticed by someone, to be memorized by someone, someone to know every curve of my body , every little detail of my skin and every manner of my being

I want to be seen , wholly and completely.

I need the intimacy of being known inside and out , I need to be held as something precious and wonderful.

I want to know that someone loves my laughter.

That someone can lose time looking at my eyes , that someone could stare at my back all day.

I need it so deeply , that ache is carved into my very soul.

And at the same time I know that loving the way I do that is impossible or at least very improbable. How could someone want to see me bare without the promise of sex ?how could someone notice me so intensely without the payback of romance?

It kills me and I just pine after the idea of being loved just the way I need to be .

I don't know if anyone else feels that way , but this is my feelings about the desire of closeness