Seems kind of niche or maybe not niche just very specific but my favorite books to read are substance abuse memoirs. Idk if it’s how raw and moving they are or what. My therapist says it “tickles my trauma” lol maybe it’s the morbid curiosity.

i don't expect this to be readable or for anybody to follow along and give me the kind of attention i want, but this post is going to be written.

as a kid, i was obsessed with love. i hugged my pillow like it was my wife and cried most nights. my first "serious" relationship (2 years, had my first time, talked on the phone all night every night) ended just about when i turned 15. immediately, i started using something every day. i fell in love with opi's. i got caught every year by my parents, and always laid low for a bit, staying mostly sober for a few months and focusing on music (booking little shows and playing in shitty little hc bands). i finished 9th grade taking hydro 5's, and finished 12th grade breaking into my friends' houses to steal their mom's opanas and 30's.

the day after graduation, i went to my first rehab and got kicked out of sober living for dating a sober living girl. i came home and went to jail for a couple months. i got out, started shooting 30's until i couldn't anymore. then, i danced this dance with my parents: involuntary vivitrol shots and drug tests, doing what i could get away with.

the summer of 2013 was the best and craziest of my life, and when it crashed and burned and my friends all distanced themselves, i met a girl and we did the kurt and courtney/jesse and jane etc J couple thing. we got on H and planned to expire together. instead, our nihilistic plan fell apart. i broke out of the negative feedback loop of her borderline outbursts and my responses by making an attempt. instead, i got shipped down to a halfway house where i got sober the old school AA way, living with 30 dudes for 18 months. it was synanon-like: accelerated recovery for lost causes, enforced by group humiliation for anybody that showed any traces of 'self-will'.

6 months after moving out of the halfway house, working+studying full-time down south, with 2 yrs and 2 months sober, i found some dope and pills and relapsed for a month. after that, with 2 months sober again, i found kratom shots and met my ex fiance. she found out about the kratom 9 months later when i crashed out, got dope, and nodded out in her bathroom. she put the fear of god in me with her tough love.

i stayed sober for 2 years after that, while we moved to the city together and i finished college and got a master's. i'd relapse on kratom here and there, and she'd find out and give me another chance. i had my AA friends but my social life was really my girl and our cats and our home.

when i got into a phd program and we moved to another city together, i stopped going to meetings or doing anything but trying to study. i couldn't keep up with the pace of the phd life, though, and the addy prescription that i used mostly responsibly since covid turned into a full blown addiction. the workload was an excuse to stay up for days, and she got used to sleeping alone while i tweaked out in my office room. since my prescription only lasted me 5 days now, i learned how to get the pressed ones ("oh that package is a computer part, just leave it there"). my psychiatrist never responded to my comments about trying a benzo for public speaking, so i added fprams to my orders and took 1/4 of one every day. then, i added ket. i slept 8 hours a week and became useless.

i couldn't hide k from her, and i couldn't make it out of academic probation. when i dropped out, the day they were going to kick me out, i promised i'd get a job. but all i ever did in the subsequent 3 months was tweak on home projects and goodwill runs to buy random shit i thought i needed for some project. after she found me doing k two more times, it took a month for her to decide to leave.

when she broke it to me, we cried, and then i went to the smoke shop to get an OPMS shot. it took a month or so of planning while taking kratom, add presses, k, and farmaprams, and i moved back to the city i came from, into my own apartment.

that was 10 months ago. during the moving process, i decided to get on 7, knowing how bad of an idea it was. i could have grinded on the job hunt, but all i managed to do was get fired from a coffee shop. thanks to one brand of 7 tabs, i added mgm to my list. all year, i've been hiding this 7oh, mgm, stim, benzo, weed, and ketamine habit. living alone. in total isolation. i've become closer than ever to my parents, who know something is up, but not what. i spend a lot of weekends at their house. it fixes my sleep schedule, and i go back to my place and fuck it all up again.

i tell my AA friends i'll be back soon. i tried IOP but quit. i've tapered from 120mg mgm/day to 30 over the last few weeks, and i'll take my last 6.25mg tomorrow. once i'm only dependent on 7, i'll probably get on the sublocade shot. once i'm only taking what i'm prescribed (which now includes klonopin) and not abusing anything off the record, i'll start counting days and going back to meetings.

even though i haven't been sober, over the last 4 months my attitude has shifted. i want to be a part of the world again. i don't want to hate myself and everybody else. i want to start a new life at 32. my brother knows what's up with me, he crashed out drinking and got sober a couple months ago. we said we'd get sober together, but it's taking me a little bit more time. i've always been my biggest critic and beat myself up as hard as possible, but now i'm trusting myself, as stupid as my plans seem.

the career path i was pursuing, the marriage and kids with a woman i knew deep down i wasn't in love with, that was my reason for living, and it fell apart. now, i'm 32, i'm lost, i'm stuck, and i'm crawling back to reality slowly.

i talk to chatgpt and record video journals for hours every day so that when i'm sober again i'll never again have to wonder what the fuck i was thinking. i wake up at 4pm and never really go to sleep, l just pass out.

i used to post on social media, used to have an identity, used to care who liked my posts and used to maint'ain some image. now i feel like the homeless guy talking to himself wandering around.i have decided to get on tinder with no expectation of anybody swiping, because in my bio i'm not going to lie about what i have to offer: a weekend of familiarity to a lonely woman who ends up with guys like me. a quick gasp for air. a bad idea. a funny loser. sadly, i say i have no expectations because i shouldn't, but deep down i probably do. i just don't want to be alone.

i hate the way my writing sounds, and it's too verbose to expect anyone to give it a proper read. maybe i'll delete it. maybe i'll get some tough love or harsh advice, and if so i hope its helpful to them because a reddit comment probably won't change my life. i have too much experience with this and too much leftover from my failed attempt at a neuroscience career - and i'm doing everything that i used to mock with my friends at AA meetings, deliberately, with my chest out, trusting my own plan.

Not the plan, the real stuff.

We as a family struggling because my son is addicted for the past 10 years. Wrong friends, wrong choice took him to wrong path, yes he chose it, not blaming anyone else. He is a well educated guy but at the same time got addicted, lost his job twice and left the house. He had big chunk of money, stayed in hotel and lost all of his money on drugs and alcohol. Long story short he has no place to live now because he can't live with us because of some family issues he caused. He self admitted into ER and currently in Psych facility. He has addiction and mental health issues. Due to lot of these facilities don't take medicaid, is it good idea that I can get a private insurance for him but then his private insurance will be a primary and medicaid will be secondary.

His medicaid is thru kaiser and I was thinking getting him kaiser private insurance so that he can get into inpatient rehab facility which can be a combination of dual diagnosis for mental health as well. Is it a good idea to get private insurance because lot of these facilities don't take medicaid? Or should I get him Atena, blue shield or Sutter health instead of Kaiser? He prefers to go to rehab facility than psych.

How to pick a better facility where there is no drugs or gang members are involved? Do we have any in Roseville or Auburn area? Thanks for the feedback.

I was looking through old pictures and I was not sober in so many of them. I was addicted to K for 3 years doing several grams everyday at the height of things. I was doing SW to pay for it because I had a low paying job or no job at the time. I was at a really low point in my life and it’s just so beautiful to see how much it’s changed for me.

My best advice is get some therapy (if you can) and get some hobbies. And avoiding environments that encourage use (for me it was the EDM community). Hiking, art, and aerial have been amazing for me these past years. I’ve hiked mountains, done some really fun art, and have progressed to intermediate/advanced levels in aerial. Sometimes I get cravings, even still, but I’m able to work through them.

Life has progressed into stability, a good career, a positive home life (as in I’m much more present as a mother, partner, and daughter), better friendships (my friends had to give me tough love and remove themselves for some time but they came back when I proved that I wasn’t the toxic person I was on drugs), and just a really good quality of life. I’m so happy and grateful to be where I am because where I was was not good.

If you’re trying to get clean from anything, I wish you the best! It’s a journey, but it’s more than worth it.

Hi, everyone. I’m a diagnosed alcoholic. I have a question-I went through a brief period of time where I abused my vyvanse and Ritalin and would snort the Ritalin and then take an excess of vyvanse. It lasted a few months and then I stopped on my own basically and was able to. Does that count me as someone addicted to substances, too?

Are there other people like me?

I've quit drugs(for 3 years/meth,weed), psych meds(for 6 years), cigarettes(for 8 years), and coffee(for 11years), but the way I quit them was a little different from how most people seem to.

Whenever I decided that it was time to stop, I could quit completely starting the very next day. It didn't feel like I was forcing myself to resist the temptation. The moment I made up my mind, those things simply stopped crossing my mind altogether. It felt as if they had been completely removed from the list of options in my life.

I had been taking medication for six years, and I stopped abruptly overnight without my doctor's guidance. I experienced physical withdrawal symptoms for about a month.

I had also smoked a pack of cigarettes every day for eight years, and I had been drinking coffee every morning for eleven years. I used to feel like I couldn't even start my day without it.

But once I genuinely decided that I was done, I was able to give all of them up without any significant mental resistance.

I didn't feel like I was constantly fighting an urge or struggling to hold myself back. It was more like I had simply made a decision, and that was the end of it.

Are there other people who experience quitting this way?

Hey guys, using a throwaway. I’m in a really overwhelming spot and just need to vent and get some outside perspective.
I’ve been on Strattera for about two months now for my ADHD. I have a history of substance use disorder—I’m super proud to say I’m a little over a year sober from alcohol, but I do still use kratom, THC, and I occasionally take a friend's Adderall. In the past, my Adderall use got pretty bad, like taking 40 to 60mg at a time and staying up all night. I don't do that nearly as much anymore, and I've even gone two weeks at a time without it recently, but I still revert back to it sometimes.
The issue is that I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and I am terrified. When I first met this psych two months ago, I panicked and lied during intake, telling her I had never even tried Adderall before. We haven’t talked about substance use at all since.
I know the clinical advice is always to be 100% honest, but I don't feel ready to backtrack on that lie tomorrow, and if I'm being completely honest with myself, I don't think I'm ready to stop taking the Adderall yet either. I know mixing things isn't safe, and I'm down to try to decrease my use, but right now I still view it as a tool I need to function.
My life is just incredibly heavy right now. I have CPTSD, and I'm currently dealing with massive grief from what I’m realizing is an emotionally abusive relationship with a partner who is sober. My sister is staying with me right now because things have been so bad. On top of the personal trauma, my job is high-stress. I’m actually a brand new therapist myself, and trying to hold space for clients while my own mind and life are crashing down is taking everything I have. I keep telling myself I need that extra boost just to stay productive enough to keep my job. Because of the overlap, I haven't even seen my true baseline on Strattera alone yet.

I feel trapped I guess. I’m scared to be honest with her and never be considered for stimulants but I’m also scared to try a prescription and mess that up and scared to change what I’m doing. I need advice I guess. Please be gentle is all I ask

I’m 19 years old and I’ve already been to rehab a couple times before. I struggle with addiction to marijuana and alcohol. I’m heading back again tomorrow and I’ll be in treatment for the next 3-5 months. I really would like it to work this time and in the past my main problem has been not being able to handle the withdraws and not seeing progress immediately so I always AMA from treatment and then a couple months later end up right back in the same position. I really would like it to work this time these past couple years for me have been nothing but a battle against bipolar and addiction. If anyone has been in a similar situation as me (being in and out of rehab) how did you get it to stick the final time? And if anyone has any advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated 🙏🙏🙏

The withdrawal symptoms just suck all the life out of me. I don't feel like doing anything incremental towards growing out of this addiction by becoming a newer person through better habits.

I'm a masturbation/porn addict. I had a great week last week and only masturbated one day, which was due to genuine sexual arousal and not the urge I usually get. Well, yesterday I masturbated 3 times before bed, and I kept thinking "Alright, I relapsed today, but tomorrow will be different. I will be more vigilant and pray more tomorrow." Waking up was fine, but after I used the bathroom I was already erect and I just started masturbating. It went by in a blur over an hour and a half. Had already started messaging women online and showing off naked as well this morning. It was back to back. Even after I already ejaculated I just couldn't stop. I wish I could turn it off, but I can't. I am in therapy and things have gotten a whole lot better, but I'm afraid that I will fall back into 8 hour masturbation sessions, and incredibly violent porn. It doesn't help that I feel so alone all of the time, but my therapist said I shouldn't date as I'm not ready for that yet. I agree, and that just makes it worse. I'm afraid. I'm genuinely terrified of falling back into the cess pit I was in. God, I just wish it would stop.

Im a non functioning addict too, im addicted to my phone and i dont look after my surroundings, im addicted to weed, food, my playstation, if someone had a substance around me id probably take it as my impulse control is so low, i basically stopped seeing my friends becuase they smoke and drink, and i just get addicted in s different way to them where im a fiend and constantly want it and do snything to get it. Genuinely i just want dopamine and i just do anything to get it no matter it is and abuse it. My addiction never stops with a drug.

I love dopamine and serotonin.
I love adding 33mc to my dexies.
I love this trance you will never feel.
Yeah, i’m told i need to stay sober
Yeah, i remember my psychotic break.
I should not.
I relapsed im sorry,
I admit to it.
Next time i’ll keep it a secret.
You like that version better.

I know that it’s not a contest if whose addiction is the worst. I know you can be dependent on actions, like self harm, or nail picking. But sometimes when people use addiction when referring to something almost completely normal, it pisses me off to hear them even compare eating popcorn with an actual drug addiction. It’s not the same at all. One kills people, the other one is a food or a waste of time. Again, I know, it not a contest, but comparing something your body will be 100% okay during, that you will not withdrawal from, with drug and alcohol withdrawal that alone causes hundreds of deaths a year. It seems so incredibly ignorant to me. Especially when they stand their ground like “I’ve been around addicts, it is as bad” and they’re talking about collecting notebooks.

This is what society calls a behavior to give it a name. To be dependent on something, to give & do everything for it.

I always had a hard time with this definition.

I'm writing these words while smoking a smoke to wind down from the snow.

I'm currently visiting someone who is very important to me. This person is disappointed in me for constantly going out and coming back at night. This is repeated 2-3 times. Then the person gets angry.

When it snows, you can't behave the way the person actually knows you to because you're different.

Different? I can only speak for myself, but I am more proactive, have radical ideas for spontaneously changing my life and am suddenly full of energy.

So you assume that it's different because of the addiction/dependence - that I can't access it otherwise, such as productivity.

I would like to know why I need these highs to suddenly text people euphorically or meet up or go hiking to meet up.

I always hide my consumption and get very caught up in lies.

Not because consumption is changing me - but because I've been missing this desire and willingness for a long time.

I do sports, work, and have a normal environment now. But I experienced a lot early on and now everything feels so boring sober.

I usually only use alone - I was once on a date and secretly did coke in the toilet (as an example) because I haven't been partying or anything like that for a long time.

I'm behaviorally addicted to low-hanging fruit, novel Internet pornography paired with masturbation. I've never gone beyond 2 weeks of abstinence and the reason why is because while I can handle passing urges, even if strong, there remains this singular pernicious and insidious urge that'll creep up on me one day when I'm already embattled enough. It doesn't even feel like a normal urge. It's like I don't want to continue abstaining anymore and I've already made up my mind. I'm not sure if I can even qualify it as "hard to overcome" because as I've just said, it feels like my mind has been made and nothing is convincing me otherwise. This has happened multiple times when I've tried to quit cold-turkey and often times I try to find a compromise; I tell myself that I have to moderate this addiction so I can go on with my life normally and not have to suffer from the long and tumultuous symptoms of re-occurring withdrawal. In my opinion, this kind of urge is the only one appropriate to be called an urge, and the only one I'm supposed to actually overcome; yet, every time I'm faced with it, I just relapse and go back to my erring ways and the cycle restarts anew for as long as I've been addicted. It's like I'm neither serious nor do I even want to quit. :(

Can someone give me tips for quitting?!

Can someone give me tips for quitting?!

Hi,

I dont know what to write since i feel like i have already tried everything.

I'm now 26 and started smoking weed since I was 14. It started as being curious, but now, i have been smoking daily for 10 years. Between 4 to 8 joints a day, so around 2/3 grams. Every time i want to quit, it feels like my conscious brain starts to shut off. Because when im walking to the store, nothing in my body or brain tell me not to buy weed, except right after i just bought it.

And im constantly asking myself, why do i do it, why do i need it, why do i want it, etcetera... but i cant give myself an answer. Weed is definitely addicting, i didnt believe that at first. But experiencing this for 10years tells me weed is a silent killer.

And oh my, i tried EVERYTHING to quit this. Went to the GP, to a psychologist, a lifecoach, went abroad multiple time to countries where weed is illegal. When i went abroad, i succeeded there, but the moment i came back to the Netherlands, i relapsed. (Yes, i also live in Amsterdam which does not make it easy, haha)

And now, i cannot make ANY important life decisions because i'm scared that the cannabisbrain is making the choice instead of the real me.

I dreamed of being a humanitarian to help people in crisis, being a husband and maybe in the future even a father. I dream of being needed, but right now i feel numb. I dont see a way out anymore.

I (19M) have smoked weed and vaped since i was 14 on and off. More recently the past years. Everynight i would have weed and tobacco mixed cones/bowls (bongs). Weed genuinely helps with my anxiety and i know this because i remember what i was like before smoking, and then during. I have now quit both for about 3 months now and nothing seems to get better. With weed, i'm only taking a 5-6 months break to see if it really does help with my anxiety or if im gaslighting myself into thinking that since i was addicted. With nicotine, i want to completely quit.

The only reason im quitting nicotine and taking a break from weed is because i dont enjoy being dependent on anything. I was happy, felt healthy and i have surprisingly great memory and brain function for someone who has smoked weed while growing up. I dont think weed affects the brain negatively as much as people say.

The main purpose of this post is that im wondering if it gets better. How long do i have to wait until i can be happy again. My whole life i've struggled with anxiety and i often find myself feeling numb or sad time to time but that happens alot less when i had a cone to look forward to at the end of the night.

How long should i wait until smoking weed again because it seems almost pointless quitting. Even my past therapist sounded like she agreed with my self medication with weed, but she was old and sort of useless.

Hello friends.

I am sober from drugs from like 6-7 years ago.

I did disasters with my sister when I lived with her, I even stole money from her to buy drugs.

I been sober 6-7 years now from drugs, one day at a time and just for today.

I am working, I have a business, but I don't make much money, because I live in Venezuela and here in my country the economy is really bad.

So even I have a business I only grab from my store 120 every week for gasoline and food and my medicine. And also 80 dollars. 200 every week, 120 in the money from here my country and 80 dollars.

But we had a earthquake a few months ago and my sister came to live to my apartment here in my town because she say she doesn't feel safe living there right know on her city for the earthquake we had a few months ago and she come to live with me in my city.

And she is always asking for money from me. Today for example ask me 120 dollars this morning and I give it to her and know I have no money because even I have a business or a store I don't like to take much money from my store because even is mine I have to take care of my store and my business and don't spend much.

And since my sister come to live with me since the earthquake she is always asking me for money. This morning she ask me for 120 dollars and now I don't have any money to finish my week because like I say I only grab 120 every week to spend even the store is mine.

And now I have to survive to the Friday because I don't have any money because I give it to my sister because she ask me for it.

I am just wondering if any of you feel like your family is taking advantage of you since you are sober because when your was on drugs or alcohol you did harm to them.

Any of you been on my situation? Sorry for my bad English

I feel helpless…

2026 broke me and isolated me more than I could ever imagine.

My addiction to stimulants and p0rn got worse (7 years of this)… I pretty much worked this whole year to feed my addiction and this is a damn shame.

Ive lost so many relationships and business it doesn’t even make sense.

I finally found a job in a new and left the environment that were familiar… but the addiction stayed with me. Ive tried reading the Bible, staying close to God but these demons are keeping at such a low vibration, Im struggling hard. I feel lile quitting this job because I can already see me getting fired for my inconsistency.

I really need rehab and a new community of people. I’m ready to scrap my old life and start over again because this is truly embarrassing. I am not who I pretend to be and the fact that people areound me are not aware of my addiction is making things even worse.

I just want peace of mind… Im giving up on this rat race. I just want peace and a stable home.

I'm recognizing that drugs were an extension of the exact same coping mechanisms used as from when I was a child [being born with shame] and I see it's a massive step towards healing because it shifts the narrative from "I made bad choices" to "I was an exhausted survivor looking for the fastest way to stop hurting"

And my urges to use have completely stopped and I think it's because I see that Jesus loves me and I've found trust in the Lords words which is what I think separates suicide from passive escapism[drugs] deadliest sin is denying God and to off yourself can only happen once so that seems more of like an accident and denying God would be to use drugs which would be a choice so it's the unforgivable sin and now that I have hope on Jesus to completely renew me I have no desire of doing that unforgivable sin but I have a lot to work on since being addicted to active escapism all my life and that's all I know how to do it is definitely going to be hard but at least I don't want to give up anymore and actually accept myself for who I am and who I can become since escaping has been distracting me all my life I know now it wasn't drugs that ruined my life it was my childhood shame that was unbearable and I just got tired of putting the effort in to escape so that's what I'm currently working on and its been around 4 months clean from heavy drugs and I feel I'm really learning a lot about myself and realizing why the time they say it takes 2 years to heal makes a lot of sense and comparing 2 years to 29 years of shame is completely acceptable in my book cause that ain't shit compared to 29 miserable years thank you Jesus I know not everybody agrees or believes in that relationship with the Lord but I've found that The Logos has been extremely help in my walk of healing and making my path straight... hope this helps and maybe someone else can relate