TW: EATING DISORDER / GROOMING / RAPE / SUICIDE / DRUGS

I feel so guilty because my therapist at the time (we'll call him T) told me i wasnt enough for him, but i would finally be enough to keep him from boredom if i got my twin sister involved. I never wanted him to do the same thing he did to me, to her. He said it wouldnt be sexual if my sister got involved (and i, as a 15 year old (who had a very bad home life and no one else) did not want to share him in that way. Then it happened, and we both went to therapy together. I remeber crying after every session, begging him to just PLEASE help me with my depression/suicidal thoughts, and he always said the next session would be better, and that he'd actually try to help- he never did but gave us just enough to keep coming back.

To leave felt impossible because he had isolated us from our family by telling us how happy we should be that we have someone like him, who actually understands us, and that we shouldnt talk to our family about our problems because they could make it worse. He said if we tell them about our anorexia, they would stop us from losing weight. He told us about how he was an anorexia coach for other woman, and told us to eat 200-300 calories a day, giving us calorie plans and asking for body checks (pictures of weightloss results on the body) i was 37kg at my lowest. I still have an eating disorder but am at a healthier weight now for my frame. We finally took it to the police recently, but it will be traumatic in court.

He would be extremely agressive while assaulting us, hitting and slapping until i couldnt see or hear from the ringing. I feel so guilty for dragging my sister into that. He told me "you have the body of a 13 year old, but the brain of a 30 year old, sexy!" And i took it as a compliment because i just wanted him to like me.

I came from an extreme trauma background, which mightve played a role in the way i reacted (we were neglected emotionally and physically as children, as we are actually triplets and it was too much work for my mother while in an active meth addiction, but shes better now.) I had spoken about 3 words w my dad within 6 months while living in the same house as him, because T told me to. This all happened at 15, i am now 20- at 18 i fell into a very extreme cocaine addiction (i am a high functioning autistic and drug addict, i never had problems financing my addiction because i served tables with great tips) i then switched to crystal meth again for 6 months. I gave up those addictions a few months ago, now i only drink. Unfortunately my constant feeling of understimulation leads me to drink quite a bit, im an alcoholic now. Yesterday i only drank 2 shots in the morning, nothing more- which seems concerning but is the first time in 3 months i havent gotten really drunk, although i couldnt sleep well because of the withdrawals. I now smoke weed almost daily, and engage in hard drug use probably weekly (speed, coke) im trying to get better. But the anorexia in me also uses drugs as a great apetite surpressant. Loved crystal for that :( i am getting better though

After a few weeks of being away from home permanently for university (my home already had a history of abuse and neglect) I've noticed my health has gotten significantly better for no apparent reason, then it got me thinking about how many health issues I had while at home like constant nose bleeds, occasional random nausea, struggles with sleep, waking up feeling like I hadn't rested, food itself would sometimes taste odd or slightly off and the list goes on. It might seem far fetched to an outside point of view but idk.

Edit: For extra context my family have a recorded history of physical abuse and neglect to me and younger siblings ignored by social services. Being trans and queer in a religious extremist house made me more of a target than anyone in that house hence my suspicions of my food being laced as well as stress and mold in the house effecting me.

I’ll keep this brief because i’ve been mulling over this situation that happened at the beginning of july
this year. I (24f) stopped being friends with my friend group because of therapy speak (along with a whole slew of other things).

I saw this pattern in problems with other people that this friend group interacted with, and when they ostracized my partner out of the group as well. Any confronting text or conversation to talk about what happened was met with sterile therapy speak and almost corporate HR problem management.

This friend group attached hard hitting labels of abusive, cruel, gaslighting and manipulation to many actions that i felt were just miscommunication at its finest.

This all came to a head when after months of balancing this friend group separate from my relationship, they texted me upset that my partner unfollowed them on instagram. (this was after they ousted them from the friend group because of a rough patch my partner and i were having🙄) This friend group ganged up on me with unrealistic expectations of bridging the gaps in communication between them and my partner.

When my partner found me crying because none of the friends were taking into consideration what I was saying, they took matters into their own hands and contacted them. Essentially texting them a big Fuck You.

They called them abusive and cruel, telling me how a soulmate would never talk to my closest friends in that way.

I ghosted all of them after weeks of silence from them, and the only time i was texted was to receive a sterile therapy-speak message on my partner and I’s anniversary.

Safe to say my relationship is doing great, my life is fulfilling, my mind is so calm.

Good Riddance.

This was nothing short of a crazy happening, the company offered points through their reward program, and one day I discovered the points didn’t consume….i was like no way, and I used them to get a meal that day, and they were still Fkn there!!

I never would have imagined I can face such a livid(edit: surreal I mean) situation, but I was crazy broke and my gosh I needed that food so bad, this became my go to place every 2-3 days for at least a year…yes you would think this is something that would have been fixed in a few weeks or months..nope it lasted for at least a year, I ATE A LOT. I have no idea how this never tripped any alert or anything, I went to one specific store only just incase it had anything to do with the luck, the staff there got used to me they never questioned anything, and I still have the food app account even today, I am grateful for getting through that year due to this and have zero regrets.

Hi everyone,
I’m a girl gamer, and I need to shed light on a massive issue with the Xbox Looking For Group (LFG) system and automated bans.
I play a lot of Fortnite. Over the years, I've had to quit the game for long stretches of time for one simple reason: whenever I make an LFG post, random men join my party and act absolutely disgusting. (Not all men) When I tell them to leave and remove them, they report me for random violations. Even men I don't invite will spam my LFG posts and report them out of spite, even though I've never broken a single guideline.
The worst I have ever done in a lobby is some mild cursing, yet I get hit with constant temporary suspensions. Because the suspensions are relatively short, they are unappealable. When you try to reach an actual person at Xbox or Microsoft support to explain what is happening, you are completely gatekept by an AI. It is ridiculous. A few years ago, I actually had to quit Fortnite for two full years because I was running out of enforcement "streaks" and was terrified of losing my entire account permanently just because people wouldn't stop.
I recently started playing again about a month ago, and it's already happening all over again. Men are spamming my LFG posts with messages saying "reported" simply because I didn't invite them. Just today, mid-game, I was hit with another notification.
Being a girl gamer is already difficult enough, but constantly getting suspended for things I didn't do because of upset men is exhausting. Microsoft and Xbox would rather rely on a broken AI reporting system than put an actual human in front of you who can understand the nuance of targeted harassment.
I’ve pulled all-nighters for this game, especially lately trying to collect the new sprites, and now I can't even enjoy it with my friends. I'm not posting this expecting Microsoft to magically fix it for me today, but to shed light on a toxic loophole that I know so many other women are going through. Something needs to change. I want to be blunt in no way am I trying to target men or any of that stuff. I’ve had my post taken down already when trying to post it somewhere else this is simply to share my story and make awareness. This isn’t me trying to make anybody sound bad or look bad. I want to clarify this. This is simply me venting about things that have been going on for quite a while and I’ve noticed as a girl gamer and that are affecting me and I’m sure it’s affecting quite a few so I just wanted to spread some awareness and share my personal story.

I'm 22F, I used to physically SH but I'm more off and on with that now. Since I was maybe 12ish I replaced the habit mostly with purposely seeking out violent misogynistic content online to sort of egg myself on. It honestly kind of started with a morbid curiosity about these communities but now I find it kind of addicting.

I ofc have thought about ways to stop myself from doing this, but then I see the same rhetoric in my life offline so like what's the point lol? This is just how the world is. I don't have anyone to talk to about my problems which is why I'm posting this lol.

I make like less than 600 per paycheck so no therapy for me :(

He loved me when I gained weight, when I looked anorexic, when I had weird looking teeth, when I acted crazy and wild. he said there’s no one else in his life but me. he told me he’s not remarrying if I ever passed suddenly.

I was ugly, and every year he made me feel beautiful. until I wasn’t ugly anymore. until I was turning heads. he is the one for me.

whenever I’m afraid of trying something new, he was there.

we’ve had our problems, but he loved ME more than myself.

I don’t know what I did to deserve such a man, but no other man comes close to him.

To another year of bliss, he’s the last love of my life

I weigh 287lbs and I'm only 18, I've always been fat, my parents hate to cook so we almost always had fast food. I've always been excluded at school, always struggled with gym class, I barely have any friends. I struggle to find new clothes, I struggle with tying my shoes, I struggle with walking for too long. I just wish I was fucking normal, no boy looks at me, no one thinks I'm pretty because I'm so huge.

Posting this on Reddit cuz I can't say that to ppl ik irl because they all say "you're not fat, you're beautiful" no I'm fucking obese, ik it's stupid but I just wish someone would find me attractive

I don't like my cat and I resent my family for it .

A few years ago , my family and I decided to get a cat . I told my parents that it would have to be an inside cat to keep him safe. We got the cat and I absolutely adored him , he was sweet, cuddly, he always wanted to be on my lap he was playful and just the perfect cat, the perfect companion. Until my parents decided to put him outside because " cats are outside animals" I begged them not to and they didn't listen. I warned them he could easily climb off of the garden wall to the streets and that's what he did . Every time he was missing I would comb the streets alone until I could find him, I would try to hide him in my room but my parents would find out and force me to put him outside. So many nights he appeared on my room window because he knew I would let him in. But all that effort didn't pay off . He died alone outside just like I said he would. Now my parents decided to get a new cat, to live inside and I don't like her . Shes mean, she climbs on my stuff and chews it up I have to lock everything, she only wants pets rarely and even then she's mean about it , she'll dig her claws to climb up to you to start purring , you pet her and she suddenly bites even though she was enjoying it. I can't do anything without catching her ruining something in the house. She's constantly trying to "hunt" things and by consequence ruins them. I tried getting her toys, playing with her for long times, I tried not coming up to her unless she comes up to me I tried a bunch of stuff but I just can't bond with her . And to think that I could have my first cat live inside too if they just listened. He would lay next to me while I work , instead of biting my legs . He would be gentle and playful instead of destroying everything.

It's not that I hate this cat, sometimes she can be sweet too , rarely. Its that the responsibility is all on me when I didn't want this cat to begin with. My parents did, and they barely spend time with her and I always feed her . I'm responsible for a pet I don't like , that I didn't ask for. I just wanted my old cat to have the chance this one got. I miss him . As I'm writing this she literally scratched up my leg because I was moving it lightly.

Me and my dad share the same name so he often will jokingly call me daddy. It’s been his nickname for me since I was a child. I get how it might’ve been considered cute then, but I’m 20 years old and it’s honestly pretty embarrassing. I used to dislike it even in middle school, but didn’t say anything because I felt too embarrassed.

It really gets me when he does it in public. My memory is kind of crappy, but he usually calls me by my other nickname when we’re at home. He sometimes will say “daddy” but not as much as my other nickname. He also shouts it which just adds to the embarrassment.

I just hate the weird looks I get. For starters, Im an adult now so people get the wrong impression almost immediately, and we don’t really look alike. I take after my mom and I don’t know where I got my height from, so I’m taller than him. I just feel like that adds fire to the flame.

I want to get him to stop, but I feel like I’d be hurting his feelings. I thought he’d drop it once I hit 18, but I was so wrong.

My (f20) boyfriend (m21) has a best friend who we’ll call Quinn (f21). Quinn and her girlfriend have been together since they were 14 and are honestly really cute together. I like both of them, I think they’re cool and me and Quinn’s girlfriend have a lot in common so we have things to talk about whenever we’re all hanging out. Quinn though? Fucking HATES me.

I don’t know why. Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly a year and the entire time it’s like she doesn’t trust me? His last girlfriend was insane, so I understand being protective of him, but it gets to a point.

The final straw was when he drove me to my nonna’s house 5 hours away. Here’s the thing though, I did not want him to. I was planning on taking the train by myself, but everyone in my life thought that was stupid and didn’t want me to go. But I really needed to see my nonna. I guess my boyfriend thought that I was going to cave and ask him to take me, but I didn’t, so the night before I was supposed to leave he just straight up told me that he’s taking me. We argued about it all night, like genuinely argued, but eventually I relented. Ultimately I’m glad I did but that’s another discussion. He dropped me off and picked me up 5 days later.

Quinn did NOT like this. She said he was stupid for doing that. When he asked if she would’ve done the same for her girlfriend she said “Yes but that’s different.”

How exactly is that different Quinn? I get they’ve been together for a LOT longer than him and I have. But we’re all adults, he had the means, and I paid him for gas (which we also fought about, because he refused to tell me how much the gas cost for the trip). Not to mention, I didn’t want him to. I didn’t even ask. Obviously I’m glad he did and we had a great time on the roadtrip LOL but he is a grown man capable of making his own decisions.

Anyway, that’s my rant. Quinn, I hope you find inner peace because I think you’re a cool person and you’re a very good friend to my boyfriend. Just please stop assuming the worst in me. 🙏🏻 I ALSO WANT TO ADD: There is ZERO chance that Quinn is harboring secret feelings for my boyfriend. She is in love with her girlfriend and I’m surprised they’re not married yet. And they are very cute together and make a beautiful couple. I just wanted to add that in there because that’s the first thing everyone asks when I explained this to other people.

I'm still afraid to tell people the real reason why I feel so disconnected lately.

I'm someone who always craves physical touch, and it doesn't ever have to be sexual. I just want to feel like someone else wants my physical presence. Like they crave MY specific closeness because they truly love me. It's what makes me feel human. It makes feel wanted.

I can't sleep at night because, even though I've been living on my own for nearly a decade, I'm still a terrible solo sleeper. I feel my body aches and pains all the time because I can't ever relax or feel safe enough to rest.

I wish I could feel what others might take for granted. To be held without limit or caressed without a thought. People who don't crave touch will never understand how isolating this feels. How quickly it can depress you into feeling unloved and alone. Hugs just don't quite solve that problem. In a time where we need each other the most, everyone I know feels exactly opposite about physical touch as I do... and that hurts. 🥴

That’s it. She was so excited and happy to wake up with me and make me coffee. Genuinely excited.

But the coffee was so fucking disgusting. Always left a bad taste in my mouth. I drank it anyway because it made her happy. I’d do it again. But dear god that’s been weighing on me.

When I (23ftM) was 17, I was home alone with my mother’s oldest son (27M) who I don’t view as a brother any longer. He was high off his mind (I don’t know on what), but was acting weird and making comments about wanting to end his life. I was sitting on the couch, and he sat next to me closely. I froze when it started and to this day, I haven’t been able to verbalize exactly what he did even in therapy. I’ve only ever been able to mention it by sugar-coating it, and only my therapist and my girlfriend know.

Recently, I decided to go no contact with him as I genuinely cannot continue having him in my life. He is a very self-centered and narcissistic person who genuinely never does anything for anyone out of the kindness of his heart, but expects to be treated like that by everyone. My mom found out my middle brother (25M) and I don’t talk to the eldest anymore, and she began saying to me that I should “wait until I am older so I can really see how important family is.”

She continued guilting me, saying things about how he isn’t “that bad,” and that she doesn’t understand why I would exaggerate so much and not talk to him. I realize she doesn’t know this key information, but I just know my mother would not respond to this well. She hasn’t exactly responded well in the past when I have undergone traumatic events.

I’m standing my ground regardless of what she says, because at the end of the day, I need to have my own back. It’s a bummer that she is reacting this way, but I suppose the lesser evil between this and telling her the truth, especially knowing she will not respond positively :/

Some mentioning of sexually explicit ewness so I’m warning from the start.

TLDR below but It’s basically the title. My first experience living alone was not the best. I’d been in a terribly abusive relationship and needed so much support from family that living far away from them was just the worst but I needed to for university.

Nevertheless I womanned up and finished my courses on time and graduated with pretty good grades. I secured a couple offers and a job before I left, but I felt that I needed a break so I was able to get one that starts in a couple months.

So now I have no money except a couple thousand bucks saved off from my last job and no income because I had to move back home which is hours away from where my life and previous job used to be.

It was going well at first: I was able to rest my body to some extent, and I had moved away from the environment that reminded me of the pos that ruined my life there for a couple of years.

But here comes the kicker: part of me cannot WAIT to start this stupid job so I could move out again now, when I deliberately picked a less appealing one from my options so I could go from my parents’ place! (I need to save money over the next few years).

Why? Because I guess I have underestimated how terrible it would be to go from living with roommates who were, sure, late at taking out their garbage every now and then, and occasionally had the loud phone call, to living with a constantly screaming and shouting (not in pain, just for fun) from his wake up time which is 2 AM to 3 AM, constantly throwing heavy toys that are deafening, constantly mastrubating (and loudly), constantly spitting and shitting and pissing, eating ten times a day, needing supervision the whole day sibling.

And here’s another kicker: he is IN a facility that could take him the whole week if we wanted. I’m talking day and night. Literal God send if you’ve lived my childhood. But the kid hates that place and so my parents have been slowly bringing him back home for more days a week and now we’re sitting at four fucking nights a week here. I don’t want to sound heartless to that either because in truth I’m conflicted on this too: I also hate it a bit when he goes because I don’t want him to be unhappy, but then he comes and I can never sleep.

My body just won’t adjust to sleep through his screams and smashing of shit like it probably was forced to as a child for most nights at least. I’m a woman so having to deal with the loud masturbating from your BROTHER has been the most uncomfortable thing ever (we never addressed this, which was hell for me as a child still growing up) and he sometimes hits and scratches and bruises me (but my parents get the worst of that. Yes it’s as heartbreaking as it sounds on aging parents).

I try to remedy this. Take away heavier toys but my mum would be like “but that’s his comfort toy!” And gives it back. Try to stop him from pleasuring himself so loudly one of them says “he’s finally not bothering anyone, don’t you dare let him get up!” I keep trying to tell them that you CAN teach him some things, because I HAVE. For example, he knows that my room is no enter zone and barely breaks the rule. He now knows that he’s not allowed to enter my space if he’s going to be touching himself. But they just claim that because THEY allow him to do everything he finds it ok to let me off. And hey maybe they’re right, but they never even TRIED.

I get why, I’m not a completely callous monster (just a bit as you can tell from this) they’re sleep deprived, with no social life, and barely any other life beside him so they’re just… very very consumed in him. But I just can’t be. And I haven’t for years now, and it’s unbearable.

The saddest part is: it’s always been one reason I’ve respected my parents so deeply that they have put themselves through so much hell for this kid. I mean me and my other sibling who isn’t disabled were never really expected to take care of him ever and they carried the brunt of the burden (though the older I get the more I realize small and huge ways we were burdened too).
But I can’t BEAR this life… I really need to save money with this first job but I’m guessing I’ll have move out which might cause so many problems. But more than that I don’t know what to do this break that I can’t escape from now.

TLDR; parents are too much of angels and they never disciplined my brother so I’m not even sure if it’s possible to remedy this, but he’s constantly loud, wakes up from 3AM every day, and is completely inappropriate. I have to live in this house for months with no income so I’m stuck this way. Ideally I didn’t want to move out when my job started so I could save money but considering risking ruining my future a bit for that. I don’t know what to do.

Throwaway because I feel guilty about this.

I (early 20s M) have been allergic to cow's milk for my entire life. Not lactose intolerance, that's a different thing that I don't have. It was bad when I was younger (full blown anaphylactic reactions, throat closing up, that sorta thing) but it's gotten slightly better with age (now it's only coughing and sneezing with itchiness for a few hours up to a day).

I tend to avoid cheese or milk-heavy products because it's usually not worth the hassle of having flu-like symptoms for the night after eating them, though on rare occasions I will enjoy a small milkshake or a small bowl of ice cream or cereal as a treat because it's worth being sick over. I also try not to make any kind of deal or fuss over getting milk or something with cheese in it unexpectedly, because I don't want to be rude or impolite and it isn't like it would put me in the hospital or anything.

The reason I'm venting is kind of petty and selfish, but here goes... Anytime anyone in my family goes out and gets everybody some food from a place, they tend to order everyone the same thing. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful that I'd receive anything for free, let alone free food, but everyone else in my family LOVES cheese. Cheeseburgers, cheese steaks, cheese pizza, cheese burritos, if there is an option to get cheese on their food, they will get cheese. Which, because everyone gets the same thing, means I get cheese too.

I genuinely loathe the days that someone goes out to get everyone some food, because it's a massive white elephant of "be grateful because it's free food, even though it will make you violently sick, and you can't say no otherwise it'll be wasted and you'll be the bad guy". The worst part is that I've repeatedly reminded everyone over the span of years that "hey this stuff still makes me sick even if it isn't gonna kill me, please don't get anything for me if you're getting stuff with cheese on it I don't want you wasting your money" and they either forget or just flat out don't care, and then would guilt trip me about not eating something with cheese in it. I feel like I'm stuck in a no win situation of "get sick at random or insult whatever family member bought the food by not eating" and that there's no negotiating as there hasn't been any progress made towards getting them to care or acknowledge what I tell them in years.

I guess this is the end of my rant, so uhh in conclusion, please listen to and remember allergy information, it is important.

Sorry if the formatting is weird, on mobile

Suicide is an obviously serious topic. However, I was very naive and ignorant to think it would hurt "less" if I maybe didn't know the person that well. God, was I wrong.

I found out my Grandma's neighbor, a fairly older man took his own life today. I hardly knew him. I just saw him in passing a few times, and man it broke my heart more than he would probably have guessed.

I can't imagine what he must have been thinking through his last days, hours, or minutes to make that decision. But I do know it affected more people than he would have imagined. Here I am, someone he probably never thought of, yet I can't stop thinking about him since I heard the news. I wish I could've done something. His poor dogs were taken away by animal control, too.

This situation is just so depressing. I hope his soul knows peace now, he deserves it

RIP 💔🥺🙏🏻

This January my wife and I separated after 7 years together. It was an awful break-up after a very toxic dynamic. I have no interest in rehashing it here, beyond me being tired of being second-place in my spouse's life.

In the aftermath of it all I have had to navigate the feelings around my ex continuing to stay in the area and share a social circle. I was the socialite in the relationship, and was the catalyst for all of our "shared" friendships by introducing my ex to my friends. I blame myself for putting myself in such a painful situation.

If I never made friends, or if I never introduced my partner to those friends (like my ex did with her friends and me) then I wouldn't have to go through this. But I also understand that you need a support system outside of your partner, and that it's unfair to not integrate your partner into your social sphere. It really feels like the best possible solution here is just to never be in a relationship again. Dealing with the primary pain of the relationship ending, and the consequent pain of having to lose so many other connections because my ex won't stick to the group of friends she kept from me makes me feel haunted.

Yes, I have been trying to make other friends. It doesn't make losing the other connections any easier.

I wish she would go away, I wish I could go away, I wish I was never put in this situation, I wish time would pass faster. I can't wait to never think about her again. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to ever go through this again.

(English is not my first language, sorry if it's not completely clear)

I (34F) had to make the a terrible choice 25 weeks pregnant. My baby boy wasn't going well in my womb. He was not likely able to live and if he lived it will be with a lot of complications and with my foster kids I will not be able to take care of any of them. So on the October 22nd 2024 we terminated my pregnancy. It was the hardest decision ever in my life. I mourn everyday since this day.

Soon after, I got pregnant with my baby girl. She is the best thing to happen in my life. She is such a joyful baby. This week end we will celebrate her first birthday. I'm really excited about it. It will be a blast, I'm pretty sure.

She was born on the October 22nd 2025. So I feeled the need to talk about my grief. I have those conflicting feelings of grief and happiness. It's such a weird thing to have a child on the same day that I had lost one before.

This roller-coaster of emotions is really hard and sometimes I feel guilty for my girl to be sad when thinking of her birthday. I know it's normal feeling this way about my lost, but I can't help feeling guilty when I looked at her smiling and I was sad.

I will finish with I love you my sweet girl and I love you my sweet baby boy that couldn't be with us. Your mom will forever love both of you. ❤️

I think one of the worst feelings is realizing how serious a situation you lived through only when you tell someone about it.

You think like : « Damn, what I'm going through, or what I went through, is really serious. »

And it's even worse when the person in front of you is the one who makes you realize it.

One day, my sister's boyfriend was giving me a ride home from my therapy appointment. He told me about his complicated relationship with his own dad, and then we talked about my genitor (literally the reason I was in therapy.)

At some point, a bit awkwardly, he told me he thinks my genitor is misogynistic: he'd told him that a woman should be submissive because they're less competent, and other bullshit like that.

Then he got off. I put my earphones in, and I don't know what happened, I just started crying silently. It was the first time I'd ever cried on public transport.

He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. But having an outside person confirm it... On one hand, I appreciated being sure of what I felt like okay I'm not crazy. On the other, it was the confirmation of something very painful. I'd already seen so much of how horrible he is, but there's a difference between witnessing it and hearing someone put words on it.

Plus he said « your dad » when I don't even consider him one ☠️

I just made the most trashy dinner, and it was wonderful.

So I have been sick to my stomach for a few days. I haven’t been able to really keep anything down. Tonight, I made a dinner that should be absolutely disgusting, but it was amazing and I’m laying here not feeling nauseous for the first time in three days. Here is my abomination:

One potato. Wash and then rub salt on the skin. Wrap in a paper towel and soak. Put on a plate and steam in the microwave until soft. While you are doing that, make a box of velveeta shells and cheese. Once the potato is done, smash open, put butter, salt, pepper, Parmesan cheese (I also added Kinds garlic brown butter mix) and ranch dressing. Take the shells and cheese and top the potato.

I don’t know what demon possessed me to do this, but this is the best I have felt in three days.

​

I wish I didn't care about it like I do. I wish I could live my life and enjoy everything else that life has to offer. And sometimes, I can. My depression is far from only being caused by my virginity, if anything it's probably the other way around. My depression is to a big part the reason for my virginity.

But still, the fact that I'm a virgin is there at the back of my mind. And when I'm laying in bed, alone, with nothing but the thoughts in my head. Hugging my pillow, it can come out. This deep sigh, the empty stare into the wall, and just wondering why not me. What's so wrong about me. What's so horrible about being with me. I've never bought into all the manosphere nonsense, or the hypergamy nonsense or any of that.

But the question remains, why not me. My friends and coworkers manage to find love. But not me. The average age for losing your virginity where I live is in your teens, and I'm 26. I've managed to move out of my parents place twice, I've gotten a masters degree, I've gotten a job, I've made friends. All in the span of a decade, during which I've tried to find someone.

And I just fail. Over and over and over again. And to me the reason that my virginity is getting to me is not because I'm lacking the sex itself, many will suggest just getting an escort but that won't change anything (looking past the huge issue of sex trafficking, but that's a whole other topic...) because what really hurts about all of this, is that it's not about the sex. It's about being chosen. It's about being able to say "she wanted to have sex with me". Because going through life, knowing that no woman has thought that about me, hurts. It makes me feel so undesirable.

And I wish it didn't. I wish I didn't tie part of my self worth to this. That my happiness wasn't tied to this. But I've tried for years to ignore it. Supress the feelings. Address them head on in therapy. Distract myself. Do other stuff. I've gained confidence in a lot of ways, but this remains the same. And I just want it to end.

I‘d say I’ve been in love two times in my life. The first time was kind of okay in comparison, because I was in love with a classmate, whom I saw pretty much everyday, but it was more of an „admiring from afar“ kind of love. I was way to shy to make a move and it kind of fiddled out after 2-3 years, but during that time I remember being completely enthralled by her and trying to always act cool when she was around.

The situation now is a whole lot worse for me, because I think I’m really in love with a close friend of mine. It’s different from what I described above, because she knows me quite well, she laughs at my jokes, sometimes insists on hugging as a greeting, we text from time to time about different kinds of things, we tease each other all the time and see each other basically every day, but like outside of school. There even were occasions where just the two of us met up for a short time just to talk and drink or smoke. The thing is, I’m almost 100% sure she doesn’t see me in a romantic light. This is just a guess, but from the way she’s been behaving lately I’m very sure she’s in at least a talking stage with someone as of recently.

I just hate the feeling that my entire mood can be influenced by how good my interactions with the person I am in love with are. For example in both these cases, more so right now, my entire mood of the day can be ruined if I don’t see her, or don’t talk to her much. I even feel like I’m kind of subconsciously neglecting other very important friendships because I revolve everything in my head around her.

At the same time I feel like I’m simply ignoring „bad“ things about her, which also obviously isn’t great.

I don’t know, if I could chose between being a „hopeless romantic“ and just not feeling romantic love for anyone I’d choose the latter every time.

I (23M) recently had my birthday, and I've been struggling to figure out if my feelings are justified or if I'm holding onto something that I should just let go.

For context, I'm a very introverted person. I don't like big birthday celebrations, I don't enjoy being the centre of attention, and I honestly wasn't planning on doing anything for my birthday. I was happy with just having a normal day.

I've also been living with my cousin (28M) for the past few months. I sleep on a couch in the living room, which honestly doesn't bother me.

My birthday was on a Wednesday, so I went to work like normal and brought some muffins for my coworkers. After work, my parents met up with me and took my brother and I out for Sushi, I then went to the gym, had a really good workout, and was actually having a great day.

When I got home, my cousin asked if I wanted to go to a weed dispensary lounge with him to chill. I said yes because it was my birthday and I thought it would be a relaxed way to end the night.

We went there, played pool, listened to music, I smoked (my cousin doesnt smoke), and I was genuinely enjoying myself.

While we were there, one of the girls working there caught my attention. She was really attractive and exactly my type. She asked if we were going to a nearby bar afterwards. My cousin said it was up to me, and honestly, she looked at me and I got nervous and agreed.

By the time the dispensary closed, which was at 10PM, I was tired. I told my cousin before we even left that I actually didn't want to go anymore and that I was happy with how the night had gone.

He told me I would enjoy it because it was karaoke night and I that i told the girl working there i would go. I then told him that I don't want to go anymore tho and that the girl gave me "that look" with her eyes and hypnotized me. he didn't take no for an answer and since he was driving i really had little options.

We got to the bar and had a drink. I was already high from smoking, so I was drinking slowly because I didn't want to feel sick.

About 30-45 minutes later, I started getting cold sweats and feeling uncomfortable. I knew that feeling and didn't want to risk throwing up or passing out in a bar, so I went to lie down in the car.

After 5-15 minutes I felt better.

My cousin messaged me saying he was just finishing my drink and then we'd leave which relieved me. during that time I was just watching tik tok/Instagram vids on my phone to pass the time.

About an 40 minutes later, I messaged him saying something like, "I know that second drink is finished already."

He came out and I told him I was ready to go home.

Instead of leaving, he asked why I wanted to go home and seemed confused. I told him "you said you would finish my drink then we'd go?" he ignored my comment then went to the boot of his car. I thought to myself "if he gets me a blanket, im going to be more annoyed cause that is not the point". He then grabbed a towel from the car and threw it over me, basically saying I could sleep there while he went back inside.

I told him the problem wasn't that I was tired or needed to sleep. The problem was that I didn't want to be there anymore.

He still went back inside for another drink.

A while later he came back and asked if he could use my bank card to buy another drink because he would pay me back the next day. I did not answer him cause I was annoyed and thought "the audacity of this man". He then took my wallet, took the card out and flashed it to me asking if it was okay.

At that point I was honestly too frustrated to argue and told him "Just go" cause I didn't want to speak to him anymore.

While I was sitting alone in the car, the same girl from the dispensary arrived with her friends and parked next to us. I was hoping they couldn't see me lying in the back of the car because I felt embarrassed.

Eventually my cousin came back at 1AM, but he had decided to drive another girl home first because she had been drinking.

During the drive, she was flirting with him and he was flirting back. I didn't really care about that part, but I was already upset because I just wanted to go home.

After we dropped her off, the first thing my cousin said was:

"I did all that and got nothing."

That was the point where I finally snapped.

He asked me if I was mad at him while driving home, and he genuinely seemed confused.

I told him everything that had bothered me.

That I had told him multiple times I wanted to go home.

That I had been sitting alone in the car for over an hour.

That every decision seemed to become about what he wanted:

one more drink,

staying longer,

using my bank card,

dropping someone else off,

doing what other people wanted.

And I told him that what made it worse was that it was MY birthday. I wasn't expecting some huge celebration. I just wanted the day to go how I wanted.

He said that people kept offering him drinks and that he couldn't really say no.

Then, halfway home, he casually told me:

"By the way, that girl from the dispensary was asking where you were. She said she wanted to talk to you."

That honestly threw me.

If he had told me that while I was sitting in the car, I maybe would have gone back inside. I was tired and annoyed, but the same pretty girl asking where i was, i definitelywould habe gone back.

Instead, I only found out when we were already halfway home.

We got home around 1:30 AM. He then went back out because he had promised some girls he would drop them off.

I then went to bed after that and around 2:30AM he comes back home and whispers in my ear as im sleeping "I brought a girl home, don't come in the room". it's 2 in the morning and im sleeping, I wasn't planning on.

The next morning, I couldn't even get my work clothes because they were in his room and he had brought a girl home, plus the door was closed. im not about to walk in on them both sleeping like that in the morning. He also still had my bank card.

I ended up going to work wearing clothes over my pajamas.

At work, I couldn't focus. I was constantly fidgeting and replaying the night in my head. Around lunchtime I told my boss I wasn't in the right mental state and left early.

I sat in my car and cried for a bit because I wasn't even angry anymore. I just felt exhausted and hurt.

The reason I'm asking if I'm overreacting is because I don't think my cousin was trying to ruin my birthday. I genuinely think he thought we were having a good night.

But at the same time, I can't get past how many times I told him what I wanted and it felt like none of it mattered.

I also wonder if part of this is on me because I tolerated it for so long instead of being firmer and saying "No, we're leaving."

I don't know if I'm overreacting, or if I'm only now processing how much that night actually affected me. Either way, I needed to get this off my chest.

For a long time, I never considered myself a victim of rape. I’ve heard and related to certain parts of stories of survivors, but never considered myself to be one as well. I never thought I was “too good” or “above that” by any means. I was having an internal battle with myself with the voice of my attacker playing the role of my self-oppression. I made up countless excuses for him, “maybe he didn’t know it was rape”, “maybe somehow i made it look like i consented”, “I never actually say the word no.”, “I was sleeping with people already, so he might have thought it was okay”, “I was friendly to him earlier that night”. Now I know that none of this makes it okay, but let’s play with the idea that he didn’t know it was rape.

Maybe he didn't know it was rape when I was 16 and he was over 18.
Maybe he didn’t know it was rape when he saw me heavily intoxicated earlier that night.
Maybe he didn’t know it was rape when he was guilt-tripping me into letting him come to my house.
Maybe he didn’t know it was rape when he followed me into my bed after I said I was going to sleep because I was too drunk.
Maybe he didn’t know if it was rape when he had to manoeuvre my limp body into a position where he could force his penis inside of me.
Maybe he didn’t know it was rape because he didn’t see me pass out during it, or maybe he didn’t hear me mumbling unintelligible sentences.

I don’t remember when he left, or when it was over, falling asleep, or even what month it took place, but I do remember the way he held my legs apart, and the way he put his hand over my mouth because he knew my parents were home.
For a long time, I never said he raped me, but when I told my friends the story they told me it was rape. I was my rapist’s biggest defender, always disagreeing when people said it was rape, always saying it was my fault. I took shit for years because I was scared of messing up the life of the well-liked, star athlete, from a small town in California who had a big bright future ahead of him.
I got death threats from his friends. I was the girl that made him cheat on his loving girlfriend. I was a whore. I wanted it.
I did not want it. I was only 16.
And I am a victim.