i tried to be a masculine kid growing up but it was bullied out of it by my family. right before graduating hs i woke up one day and realized i was actually genuinely a transgender man and not a lesbian... had some fucked up dream that i knew no other cis person would ever have.. but continued to enbycope lesbiancope anyway because I'm gods strongest repper.

then i eventually went on a year long bender... and one of my worst most painful regretful humiliating memories in my life would be dressing as slutty and as feminine as possible for me and go to parties already blackout drunk. Something I don't even think that would be remotely possible for me to do to myself again. it's so weird looking back on that time, basically trying to forcefem myself until i liked it, which never happened and actually made me want to do it less every time, thereby resulting in getting drunk again on weeknights and walking the streets waiting for something to happen to me. and then doing that for a full year. I don't recognize that person and I wish I could take that year back. still a virgin the whole time btw lol never had sex never wanted to never thought about it.

immediately after i got sober and got a girlfriend who supported me I locked in. I think my biggest final wake up call was having a lot of issues around sex and being touched. im probably going on hrt in December but its highly likely i chicken out bc family.

I haven't gotten super drunk in over a year it feels like, i usually have one drink only now, but yesterday i got a little more sloshed then usual and all these memories started coming back again and its driving me crazy. thanks for reading.

​I am a weak person. I quit everything I ever try if I dont succeed right away. I compare myself to others. I think this is because Ive never had any interests of my own, only things I felt obligated to do and things I did to distract myself from my very own lack of passion. My own progress and growth mean nothing to me, which ironically makes both impossible. I can't even comprehend them having a meaning - they never have. I crave the rewards and not the journey, which denies me both. Hell, I don't even crave the rewards themselves; I crave their image. I crave the admiration of others that I imagine these rewards would bring. There is nothing I want for myself, ergo, I will achieve nothing. Talent and luck mean everything to me, yet neither will save me. A condition where the capacity for change is the only cure is a death sentence for someone like me - for someone who's weak and shallow. There is no circumstance in which I succeed. Ive never followed through with anything of my own accord for 18 years. I never learned how to look at my own progress for inspiration. Inspiration is what drives all forms of meaningful transition and change. I only know how to execute instructions and repeat what I've been given; I lack the ability of inward evolution. I have nothing. Why should I expect things to be any different this time around? If gazing upon your own progress is the only thing that keeps you going, what do you do if you were born with no eyes?

Just stay at a healthy weight

Lost 12kg and it almost feels like a mistake. I lost most of my muscle mass and my masculine fat, i kept my fatass thighs butt and boobs, and worst of all i was hit with the --shocking-- reality that my large wombynly hips werent just fat, but infact my hipbones themselves, and now i can actually see them sticking out. It disgusts me so much i fucking hate my life idk why i did this to myself (cuz foids are stupid and im a foid)

I used to repress so well idk what happened it just gets worse everyday it makes me wanna cry but crying makes me feel even more foidly LOL ok

I dont care if i type fembrained dont comment on it i already know you dont need to make it worse it does the opposite of helping me repress

Are cissoids even human? They truly have no empathy.

I think I’m going to end up transitioning out of spite at this point.

people love to say "its never too late, you have your whole future ahead of you"but i cant imagine my life in the future. I simply cant picture a scene in which i exist. Ive tried. I have no ambitions or plans or desires. Completely incapable of long term planning. I cannot account for risks and change. I am living through a Zenos paradox. I am on a train that is getting infinitely close to the end of its tracks, but it never quite seems to hit the edge. The present is all I have left. The capacity for change in the future means nothing to me because I cant envision a future, only watch the days slip by in this moment. This same moment that is stretched infinitely thin. The last centimeter of the tracks. Ive only moved an inch this past year. I travel half the remaining distance everyday, it stretches out forever and only blurs more. Time does not equate to distance. It loses its meaning when nothing changes. It is too late for people like me. Even assuming my desires arent entirely self induced, I will never get to play at recess as a girl. I will never get to go trick r treating with my friends as a girl. I will never get to graduate as a girl. I will never get to grow up as a girl. My childhood and teenhood are gone.

I remember once I split my lip in a wrestling match at school. My opponent was a year older than me. I barely won. Everyone praised me, and it felt good to gloat about my fucked up face. I showed my bloodied mouth to my friends and teammates because I was proud, and they spurred me on. It felt good to be commended, really really good. It felt good to do something masculine for once, to look intimidating. To finally earn the respect of some of the toughest people in the room.

I remember the first time where everyone had to compete in a bracket for spots on the team. I was a freshman. After I secured my spot in frosh soph, the bracket system had me compete for a varsity slot and I lost to a senior. It wasent even close, and it feels like such a silly thing to get upset about now. I dont know what I was expecting, it was an impossible task. The same thing happens to every freshman who gets decently far into the bracket, there should have been nothing to be ashamed of. That night, I went home and sobbed into my pillow. Because I wasent as good at hurting people as he was. Because I couldnt be the very best in the room in month one. I was literally sad because I wasent masculine enough

Do these things sound like something a girl would do? Things that someone with innate discomfort with their male body and traits would do? Do they really? You said you see a lot of your past self in me, do you still? I would love to say I was "born in the wrong body", I really would, but that would be a lie. Some external force had to have made me like this. I never was a woman. I *was* born in the right body, I was fine with my body for years and now that makes me sad and angry. I am not a woman now and I will never really be a woman, through and through, because ive seen what my life was like before that external force acted upon me - my "default state", from when I never thought of any of this and I was satisfied. Any act of transition I can do now would just be a lie, some play I perform just to comfort myself. That shallowness would hurt so much more than just living as a man forever. This is what makes me fundamentally different from people who are trans. If I truly and absolutely was content with my body in the past without a shadow of a doubt - If nothing like this bothered me in my earlier years - what makes it so impossible to go back? Things that I never even thought of bother me immensely now. It all comes from my head and not my heart. I was happier before i started thinking of any of this. I would be happier if I stopped. Thoughts are malleable; its all a placebo. A placebo doesent work if you know the truth

for what its worth, im 18. Im very uncertain about college in general. I have no passion for anything that would translate to the work force. I dont really have a passion for anything, I dont belong here.Thinking about this stuff just hurts too much, and everywhere I go here im just reminded of it. I think someone bought a 1000 pack of trans flag stickers and put them all over campus, Its so cruel and ironic in some cosmic way. The universe hates me. The ONLY reason im at this fucking school is because i was unremarkably decent at highschool worksheets and took a few AP tests. I cant imagine my life in the future. I have no ambitions or plans or desires. I survived a suicide attempt a few weeks ago. I am going nowhere fast.

I dont want to join clubs, I dont want to make friends, I dont want to learn and grow as a person. I want someone to tell me what to do so i dont have to think about myself, my interests, my wants. I just know that i cant live off my parents forever. Thats why im doing this, going to college, studying engineering. Its the only thing i really can do. I feel really really guilty about college because im probably wasting my parents money with my attitude towards life. I feel guilty knowing I have such accepting parents, but im still screwing it all up. My problems seem so fucking trivial relative to those others, yet here I am. My problems arent even real, I fabricated them myself. Having parents who will beat you for daring to exist around them is a real problem, whatever I have going on isnt. I feel like the weakest person to ever live. Like ill turn to dust if whatever fucked up god is out there breathes on me too hard, let alone give me an actual challenge to deal with. None of it is real, and I feel so so ungrateful and entitled. Like im going out of my way to destroy something because theres a small speck of dirt on it. An immature brat making a scene and throwing away a happy meal because he didnt get the toy he wanted. My suffering is only real because some part of me deep down CHOOSES to make it real. I just want a repetitive, routine job where someone tells me what to do and i can zone out while I work. Then go home and relax knowing I did my job well and that im done for that day. Its easier to work the will of others who tell me what to do than work on myself. Ive heavily considered trade school but i dont think my parents would approve. highschool was fine because I didnt have to think about my future, since its required and universal. It provided me structure, goals, people to talk to. This structure is gone. I cant imagine where im going to live, who im going to talk to, what im going to do

I dont have dysphoria, I just just need to never contemplate anything relating to transness and ill be okay. I need to learn how to give up on this pipedream, this unhealthy fixation, identify whats truly hurting me and find a way to cope with it. No more distractions, no more running away. No more hiding behind all of this as an excuse, a rationale. Facilitate my own growth for once. There is something real thats hurting me, I know that now. I just dont know what it is. "dysphoria" as an explanation just doesent make sense, doesent line up. Just because some minuscule, manic, left alone piece of my intrusive consciousness somehow deluded itself into thinking that imitating a woman would solve all of my problems and make me see things clearly - doesn't mean I myself am one. I dont think that one small piece of me represents what i as a whole truly need

I dont know what to do because nobody is telling me what to do. I need to find something, anything to distract me enough, allow me to give up on my delusional dreams. I know a lot of this stuff probably sounds crazy or unhinged to someone who isnt me. Maybe it is. Thoughts are tangled strings that dissolve the moment you try to voice them

I have been so lonely lately, but im scared to open up and be "myself" around other actual trans people, esp other trans women who for some reason really care about me despite me looking like a man (on hrt)

but isnt it better for us to repress and make sure we have no attachments? even if we get super lonely?

I feel subhuman tbh. wish i could chop off my dick.

I can 't believe it was that simple. I was worried over nothing.

I even resorted to replaying twilight princess (which i originally didn't plan to) because of the linkle mod for it (and bheing able to get a good framerate and better controls via the PC port).

Here is my list of games i have enjoyed so far

• Haydee (thanks to mods)
• Metroid prime triligy (can be emulated on PC but limited to 60fps unfortunately)
• Code Vein (thanks to mods such as io alt dress and sexy party dress)
• Mirrors Edge
• Zelda game with linkle mod
• Allice madness returns
• Pleage tale of innocence
• Heroine rumble 2 (adult)
• Full Metal Schoolgirl
• Project Werewulf (adult)
• Fuck or Fight (adult)
• Carnal Instinct (adult)

There has been decompilation progress for metroid prime 1 lately (there is already a version you can play) so i should be able to finally play it as a good framerate relatively soon i think.

Hi all, has anyone looked into ways of treating gender dysphoria without transition? Does anyone have anything you recommend?

I don't want to actively push this down the rest of my life. I want it to be *gone* without humiliating myself & I imagine a lot of you feel the same.

pretty sure i ripped this from somewhere months ago but cant rmbr where it was from :(

Since i manned up and stopped taking hormones and went down the path of a perma-repper. Overall i think de-transitioning will go down as a massive net-positive in my life. Perhaps ill continue to go through life with no light in my eyes, but at least i wont be entrenched in menial discourse over my (now gone) existence and be systematically raped to death in prison. You take the good with the bad. None of us deserve this but the world hates us.

*insert obligatory blerb about how i was AGP ROGD faketrans autist* + im 6'3

I’m not doubting the legitimacy to other people being transgender, just me. So this may be a hot take but I’m only spitballing

How much of this is might just be autism and just a desire to escape? A feeling that you’re in the wrong body and maybe some self hatred for not being able to exist like neurotypicals. Thinking life is better on the other side. Wondering what’s wrong with you and it was just autism the whole time.

Maybe there’s nothing wrong with you and you just think differently and feel connection to both genders more strongly, because that’s what autism does. And hrt (e) gives you relief because it increases dopamine and serotonin which elevate mood and make you feel things more and stop disassociating because it gives you mental relief. (i suppose this theory could work for T too in afabs, I’m not sure.)And in autistic/adhd brains, they don’t produce dopamine correctly. Which both could explain the correlation to being trans and autistic.

And prior to hrt, disassociation was just a coping mechanism for autistic burnout, not because you’re transgender living the wrong life, but because you have a disability, autism. I wonder if this is the case for me and maybe others. Or am I just latching on to anything to not be trans. The thing is, I don’t see life being better as a woman. I really don’t. But I have no connection to being a man either. And the performance I felt I was doing may not be because I’m a girl but because I was simply just burnt out from masking

Edit to add: also a theory on later transitioners or later egg cracks, maybe we’re mistaking fear of further masculinization for feeling like a failure in life due to autism. It’s not really the masculinization itself per say we’re scared of, but seeing how old you are and still feeling like an incompetent failure for not being able to do and exist as neurotypicals do

I’m going to try low dose ADHD meds to increase dopamine and serotonin in addition to guanfacine which regulates the nervous system and lessens rejection sensitivity disorder and see if I still feel the need to escape or can just be okay

i dont enjoy any of my hobbies anymore but window shopping never fails to bring novelty. especially the perfume stores, apothecaries, clothing and food stalls. do any of y'all window shop?

This is why transition is hopeless if you can't pass. Most people in this world hate you for being trans and would celebrate and defend your murder. Cis people don't see us as human at all. This is why it's hopeless. I would rather have a hollow life repressing than get hate-crimed for being a 6'2 trans woman.

As I descend further into madness (enjoying responding to all your posts tho!!!) I am starting to see the life I could have had in the same way I see the life my relatives and friends who died too early could have had.

Some intersection of body neutrality for the dysphoria and grief counselling for a life lost is starting to seem the healthiest approach.

Perhaps I could even be a little extra bitch and create a small shrine to act like a grave and something to direct my pain toward.

I want to say dwelling like this is clearly bad for us but the reality is that it isn’t going away so why treat it like some other mental illness that can.

It’s like having a disease and being the subset of people who can’t take the cure for whatever reason. You don’t even get the respite of a community sharing pain. So many of them are gonna make it, whether that’s true passing or being happy with a form of androgyny.

i wish i never accepted the invite into that repper server months ago and got psyoped into wanting hrt and ruining my life, now i cant get rid of my desire to take estrogen and im suffering more than i ever did

My depression always gets significantly worse when I start thinking about all the things I have to do to work toward passing. When I join trans spaces or talk to trans people on discord about my problems it always amplifies everything. When I think about my body and how far away it will always be to a woman's body it makes my dysphoria way worse.

When I attempted to accept being a man the last two weeks, things were significantly better. I covered all the mirrors, I deleted all my selfies from my phone, I told myself repeatedly that I was a man, I distracted myself as much as I could with hobbies and TV. I felt numb and sort of not real, but that is infinitely preferable to this. I was actually able to engage with the real world at least a little bit.

But now that I'm back to thinking about furthering my transition I've been bed-ridden for the last 3 days. I just don't think there's any hope if I transition.

I think I might try to leave everything again and try to accept being a man for longer. If I made it a week surely I can do a month or longer. Transitioning is not worth it for me. I will never be a woman.

I grew up with loving parents, and really had no issues with family. Worked really hard ever since I was born to give me a good life because they went through poverty growing up. I Was provided everything for. What makes it worse is that I'm an only child so I have nothing else to lose, how unlucky would my parents have to be to deserve "a daughter who feels and wants to be a man" Ever since I was young. Everything in my life is already planned for yet here I am destroying everything. I don't really know what's wrong with me anymore.

they were really cute, isnt wlw so nice and pretty!!! as a man it made me feel weird? do any other gynephilic people here wish they were women in a lesbian relationship??

shouldnt I be happy im a man and i can find a woman to everything for me? since isnt that heterosexuality in this terrible world lmfao

I’m HRT repping and I’m pretty sure people that know me know what’s up at this point and it’s unbearably embarrassing. I swear I’m faketrans or something but the idea of people knowing makes my skin crawl and I can’t bring myself to stop.

I can’t bear the exposure, being seen as trans by people I already know is a literal humiliation ritual and I can’t bear it.

I’m pretty sure I must look trans at this point, I’m so much of a disappointment to my family and friends what happened to the guy they knew, and they all feel like they have to be polite and respectful about an objectively bizarre situation.