people love to say "its never too late, you have your whole future ahead of you"but i cant imagine my life in the future. I simply cant picture a scene in which i exist. Ive tried. I have no ambitions or plans or desires. Completely incapable of long term planning. I cannot account for risks and change. I am living through a Zenos paradox. I am on a train that is getting infinitely close to the end of its tracks, but it never quite seems to hit the edge. The present is all I have left. The capacity for change in the future means nothing to me because I cant envision a future, only watch the days slip by in this moment. This same moment that is stretched infinitely thin. The last centimeter of the tracks. Ive only moved an inch this past year. I travel half the remaining distance everyday, it stretches out forever and only blurs more. Time does not equate to distance. It loses its meaning when nothing changes. It is too late for people like me. Even assuming my desires arent entirely self induced, I will never get to play at recess as a girl. I will never get to go trick r treating with my friends as a girl. I will never get to graduate as a girl. I will never get to grow up as a girl. My childhood and teenhood are gone.
I remember once I split my lip in a wrestling match at school. My opponent was a year older than me. I barely won. Everyone praised me, and it felt good to gloat about my fucked up face. I showed my bloodied mouth to my friends and teammates because I was proud, and they spurred me on. It felt good to be commended, really really good. It felt good to do something masculine for once, to look intimidating. To finally earn the respect of some of the toughest people in the room.
I remember the first time where everyone had to compete in a bracket for spots on the team. I was a freshman. After I secured my spot in frosh soph, the bracket system had me compete for a varsity slot and I lost to a senior. It wasent even close, and it feels like such a silly thing to get upset about now. I dont know what I was expecting, it was an impossible task. The same thing happens to every freshman who gets decently far into the bracket, there should have been nothing to be ashamed of. That night, I went home and sobbed into my pillow. Because I wasent as good at hurting people as he was. Because I couldnt be the very best in the room in month one. I was literally sad because I wasent masculine enough
Do these things sound like something a girl would do? Things that someone with innate discomfort with their male body and traits would do? Do they really? You said you see a lot of your past self in me, do you still? I would love to say I was "born in the wrong body", I really would, but that would be a lie. Some external force had to have made me like this. I never was a woman. I *was* born in the right body, I was fine with my body for years and now that makes me sad and angry. I am not a woman now and I will never really be a woman, through and through, because ive seen what my life was like before that external force acted upon me - my "default state", from when I never thought of any of this and I was satisfied. Any act of transition I can do now would just be a lie, some play I perform just to comfort myself. That shallowness would hurt so much more than just living as a man forever. This is what makes me fundamentally different from people who are trans. If I truly and absolutely was content with my body in the past without a shadow of a doubt - If nothing like this bothered me in my earlier years - what makes it so impossible to go back? Things that I never even thought of bother me immensely now. It all comes from my head and not my heart. I was happier before i started thinking of any of this. I would be happier if I stopped. Thoughts are malleable; its all a placebo. A placebo doesent work if you know the truth
for what its worth, im 18. Im very uncertain about college in general. I have no passion for anything that would translate to the work force. I dont really have a passion for anything, I dont belong here.Thinking about this stuff just hurts too much, and everywhere I go here im just reminded of it. I think someone bought a 1000 pack of trans flag stickers and put them all over campus, Its so cruel and ironic in some cosmic way. The universe hates me. The ONLY reason im at this fucking school is because i was unremarkably decent at highschool worksheets and took a few AP tests. I cant imagine my life in the future. I have no ambitions or plans or desires. I survived a suicide attempt a few weeks ago. I am going nowhere fast.
I dont want to join clubs, I dont want to make friends, I dont want to learn and grow as a person. I want someone to tell me what to do so i dont have to think about myself, my interests, my wants. I just know that i cant live off my parents forever. Thats why im doing this, going to college, studying engineering. Its the only thing i really can do. I feel really really guilty about college because im probably wasting my parents money with my attitude towards life. I feel guilty knowing I have such accepting parents, but im still screwing it all up. My problems seem so fucking trivial relative to those others, yet here I am. My problems arent even real, I fabricated them myself. Having parents who will beat you for daring to exist around them is a real problem, whatever I have going on isnt. I feel like the weakest person to ever live. Like ill turn to dust if whatever fucked up god is out there breathes on me too hard, let alone give me an actual challenge to deal with. None of it is real, and I feel so so ungrateful and entitled. Like im going out of my way to destroy something because theres a small speck of dirt on it. An immature brat making a scene and throwing away a happy meal because he didnt get the toy he wanted. My suffering is only real because some part of me deep down CHOOSES to make it real. I just want a repetitive, routine job where someone tells me what to do and i can zone out while I work. Then go home and relax knowing I did my job well and that im done for that day. Its easier to work the will of others who tell me what to do than work on myself. Ive heavily considered trade school but i dont think my parents would approve. highschool was fine because I didnt have to think about my future, since its required and universal. It provided me structure, goals, people to talk to. This structure is gone. I cant imagine where im going to live, who im going to talk to, what im going to do
I dont have dysphoria, I just just need to never contemplate anything relating to transness and ill be okay. I need to learn how to give up on this pipedream, this unhealthy fixation, identify whats truly hurting me and find a way to cope with it. No more distractions, no more running away. No more hiding behind all of this as an excuse, a rationale. Facilitate my own growth for once. There is something real thats hurting me, I know that now. I just dont know what it is. "dysphoria" as an explanation just doesent make sense, doesent line up. Just because some minuscule, manic, left alone piece of my intrusive consciousness somehow deluded itself into thinking that imitating a woman would solve all of my problems and make me see things clearly - doesn't mean I myself am one. I dont think that one small piece of me represents what i as a whole truly need
I dont know what to do because nobody is telling me what to do. I need to find something, anything to distract me enough, allow me to give up on my delusional dreams. I know a lot of this stuff probably sounds crazy or unhinged to someone who isnt me. Maybe it is. Thoughts are tangled strings that dissolve the moment you try to voice them