My wife and I had a pretty big argument about this, and I’d appreciate some outside perspectives.
My wife has three female cousins who are sisters. She’s distant from one, who doesn’t invite us to events. The other two occasionally invite us to birthday celebrations, either their own or their children’s. These aren’t frequent gatherings, more like an annual occasion. Both women have careers, are middle class, and, to my knowledge, aren’t experiencing financial hardship. The cousin whose birthday is coming up is around 50.
Their invitations include wording such as “monetary gifts appreciated” or “monetary gifts accepted.”
These are small gatherings. The usual group consists of the three sisters, their adolescent children, their father, and us. Their mother has passed away. Occasionally there might be a friend or partner, but there isn’t a larger extended family crowd. It’s essentially the same small circle.
We would have given a cash gift anyway. My objection is specifically to requesting it on the invitation. Cash is customary in our circle for these occasions, and I understand that hosting a party costs money.
What bothers me is the context. In the entire 16 years I’ve been married to my wife, we have never spent time with these cousins outside a party. No casual dinners or getting together just to catch up.
My wife does exchange occasional texts with them, so I’m not claiming there is literally no contact. She considers that a relationship. From my perspective, the exchanges are superficial and usually initiated by her.
I’m not upset that we aren’t closer, and I’m not seeking a closer relationship. But when our only time together is at celebrations with explicit cash suggestions attached, the invitations feel transactional to me.
They invite us but not my wife’s two adult brothers. We earn good money, which has made me wonder whether that influences our inclusion. I acknowledge that’s speculation. Her brothers probably wouldn’t attend anyway. Still, receiving an explicit request for cash as part of such a small guest list feels particularly pointed.
My wife thinks the wording is practical. Instead of buying perfume, clothing, or something her cousin won’t like, guests know she prefers cash. She compared it to a child requesting particular birthday or Christmas gifts.
I understand the argument about avoiding unwanted gifts. But I see a difference between answering someone who asks what you’d like and putting a cash request directly on an invitation to your own adult birthday party.
I asked whether she would feel the same if some of my very wealthy friends included that wording. She said that would be different because they don’t need the money. I thought that was inconsistent with the explanation about gift preferences. She thinks financial circumstances matter.
Out of frustration, I suggested attending without giving cash, even though we otherwise would have given it. I also told her I intended to make a pointed comment to the cousins about the invitations. She strongly objects, and that escalated into a bigger fight.
For transparency, I was angry and used insulting language about her cousins in private texts to my wife. Some of the comments I considered making were sarcastic. I haven’t confronted either cousin. We also haven’t invited them to our own gatherings, so I recognize that we haven’t been pursuing a closer relationship either.
Would you interpret the wording as a harmless gift preference or as presumptuous? Does the absence of any time together outside parties over 16 years affect your view?
And separately, even if you found it tacky, would bringing it up at the birthday make me the one in the wrong?