You got the quiet.
I got the noise.
You got the end.
I got the chores.
You got release from all this choice.
I got the days.
And then some more.
You don’t have to wake up split in two,
Or fake a face you never chose.
You don’t have to drag your grief
Through grocery lines and broken roads.
You don’t hear people say your name
And flinch like it’s a sudden blow.
You don’t feel time keep moving on
Like it’s personally fucking you over slow.
You got the mercy of enough.
I got the cruelty of again.
Again the sun. Again the breath.
Again the loss. Again. Again.
I envy your stillness. I do.
Your peace that doesn’t beg or ache.
I envy that nothing demands from you
What every day demands I take.
You don’t have to eat this grief
Three times a day to stay alive.
You don’t have to prove your worth
By continuing to survive.
They say you’re lucky to have loved,
As if love doesn’t maim and scar.
As if loving you didn’t turn
My entire future into barbed wire.
You got the ending.
I got the mess.
You got the rest.
I got the test.
A lifetime sentence with no appeal
For the crime of loving my twin best.
You don’t have to watch the world pretend
This was survivable, clean, okay.
You don’t have to hear them praise my strength
For not laying down beside you every day.
You died once.
A single blow.
A closing door.
A final breath.
I have to keep showing up
To a life that feels
Like prolonged death.
So if I sound angry, jealous, unkind
Good. That means I’m still awake.
Because existing without you
Is the cruelest fucking thing
This universe could create.

wrote this back in october 2024, about the "last time?" i ... i'm okay. still feels weird putting it out there.

I remember the last day I wanted to kill myself
It was a sunny day with a pleasant view
I was alone with my favourite music on
Standing tall below the blue hue

You say, it’s selfish to think that way
It’s disrespectful and inconsiderate
Oh love, I wish I could explain
My heart refused to consider it

Well, I didn’t yet kill myself
I did a thousand times though
You see I lived a million lives
In that moment alone

...

it's a bit long for a reddit post so the full thing is on my site, if you want to read the rest: https://jaeaeich.com/afterhours#/the-last-day-i-wanted

It’s one of those days
When I don’t feel like being brave
I can’t pretend that this is normal
I work and watch you continue
To disappear
The loneliness is brutal
You’re here and yet you’re not
Grief, but not the kind where you lose someone
one time
The kind where they leave by degrees
And you say goodbye to each version of them
I should get away
Go someplace where I take a break from thinking about all of this
I just never seem to schedule it
And I wonder why it gets this bad
Where I feel like
I can’t handle this.

I'm grieving someone who hasn't died, Someone sleeping right by my side. Someone who I can reach and touch, Yet somehow still miss so much.

I'm grieving the you I used to know, The one I swore I'd never let go. The one who convinced me love was real, And showed me how deeply I could feel.

For just a moment, it all seemed clear, The life we'd dreamed of was finally here. And then, like clockwork, back we fell, Into the darkness we know too well.

I'm grieving the chance I barely had, To be happy without waiting for things to go bad. To love you completely, without holding back, And not spend our best days mending the cracks.

I'm grieving the us I thought we'd be, And the future I could almost see. I'm grieving the years we cannot save, And the love we keep bringing back from its grave.

I'm grieving the thought that you may never see, That the girl you fell for is still inside me. And the cruelest part of all this grief, Is how your return still brings me relief.

When your hand finds mine, the fear disappears, For just a brief moment, you're really here. I stop mourning what we used to be, And hope you've found your way back to me.

But maybe someday I won't reach for you, Or search your eyes for the love I once knew. And nothing scares me more than the day, You come back to me, but I don't feel the same.

There won't be a moment that we say goodbye, No bags by the door, no tears left to cry. Just you lying here, a few inches away. And me missing someone who promised to stay.