wrote this back in october 2024, about the "last time?" i ... i'm okay. still feels weird putting it out there.

I remember the last day I wanted to kill myself
It was a sunny day with a pleasant view
I was alone with my favourite music on
Standing tall below the blue hue

You say, it’s selfish to think that way
It’s disrespectful and inconsiderate
Oh love, I wish I could explain
My heart refused to consider it

Well, I didn’t yet kill myself
I did a thousand times though
You see I lived a million lives
In that moment alone

...

it's a bit long for a reddit post so the full thing is on my site, if you want to read the rest: https://jaeaeich.com/afterhours#/the-last-day-i-wanted

It’s one of those days
When I don’t feel like being brave
I can’t pretend that this is normal
I work and watch you continue
To disappear
The loneliness is brutal
You’re here and yet you’re not
Grief, but not the kind where you lose someone
one time
The kind where they leave by degrees
And you say goodbye to each version of them
I should get away
Go someplace where I take a break from thinking about all of this
I just never seem to schedule it
And I wonder why it gets this bad
Where I feel like
I can’t handle this.

I'm grieving someone who hasn't died, Someone sleeping right by my side. Someone who I can reach and touch, Yet somehow still miss so much.

I'm grieving the you I used to know, The one I swore I'd never let go. The one who convinced me love was real, And showed me how deeply I could feel.

For just a moment, it all seemed clear, The life we'd dreamed of was finally here. And then, like clockwork, back we fell, Into the darkness we know too well.

I'm grieving the chance I barely had, To be happy without waiting for things to go bad. To love you completely, without holding back, And not spend our best days mending the cracks.

I'm grieving the us I thought we'd be, And the future I could almost see. I'm grieving the years we cannot save, And the love we keep bringing back from its grave.

I'm grieving the thought that you may never see, That the girl you fell for is still inside me. And the cruelest part of all this grief, Is how your return still brings me relief.

When your hand finds mine, the fear disappears, For just a brief moment, you're really here. I stop mourning what we used to be, And hope you've found your way back to me.

But maybe someday I won't reach for you, Or search your eyes for the love I once knew. And nothing scares me more than the day, You come back to me, but I don't feel the same.

There won't be a moment that we say goodbye, No bags by the door, no tears left to cry. Just you lying here, a few inches away. And me missing someone who promised to stay.

You got the quiet.
I got the noise.
You got the end.
I got the chores.
You got release from all this choice.
I got the days.
And then some more.
You don’t have to wake up split in two,
Or fake a face you never chose.
You don’t have to drag your grief
Through grocery lines and broken roads.
You don’t hear people say your name
And flinch like it’s a sudden blow.
You don’t feel time keep moving on
Like it’s personally fucking you over slow.
You got the mercy of enough.
I got the cruelty of again.
Again the sun. Again the breath.
Again the loss. Again. Again.
I envy your stillness. I do.
Your peace that doesn’t beg or ache.
I envy that nothing demands from you
What every day demands I take.
You don’t have to eat this grief
Three times a day to stay alive.
You don’t have to prove your worth
By continuing to survive.
They say you’re lucky to have loved,
As if love doesn’t maim and scar.
As if loving you didn’t turn
My entire future into barbed wire.
You got the ending.
I got the mess.
You got the rest.
I got the test.
A lifetime sentence with no appeal
For the crime of loving my twin best.
You don’t have to watch the world pretend
This was survivable, clean, okay.
You don’t have to hear them praise my strength
For not laying down beside you every day.
You died once.
A single blow.
A closing door.
A final breath.
I have to keep showing up
To a life that feels
Like prolonged death.
So if I sound angry, jealous, unkind
Good. That means I’m still awake.
Because existing without you
Is the cruelest fucking thing
This universe could create.

In the loneliness and my darkest hours I cried oceans and mourned with flowers no one there to hold my hand no white flags or or promised lands just lies and hate and twisted plots to curse my name and make me rot ! the tears i shed had no white flag ,the mercy I cried had no abolition, just day after day of endless sacrifice on my end no one for me no knees that bent so no there wont be mercy not the good kind because there was no mercy for me so keep that in mind.... ! I bled and bled 2 pints on the floor while u mopped it up like its another Tuesday for sure. and whats worse is after all the lies u took our child simply out of spite u are no hero u are not the good guy and I will never stop reminding u of your CRIMES...

when i look into her eyes,

i forget god,

and all the wisdom of detachment.

when i see her smile,

the world forgets to hurt me.

but when she walks away,

i am left with a cruel truth:

the very thing that frees me from suffering

is also what makes me suffer.

I have nothing but my suffering. If that is all I own, perhaps the only thing I can sell is what I make from it.

My pillow knows me better than anyone else

because it has bore every ounce of pain I felt

My silent screams lurked inside soft feathers

and underneath was scattered with unsent letters

Nightly tears soak the silk pillowcase fabric,

caching my agonizing sorrow and feels of tragic -

while I whisper my darkest secrets I would never

share -

or be brave enough to utter into the listening air

I do not have the classic closet of skeletal bones,

surrounded by unspoken dreams buried under

tombstones...

Instead they are hidden where one would never

look,

stored and overflowing inside the pillows resting on

my nook.

You left me alone when I needed you so, I know so much is happening and I know that I was in the wrong, but you're my friend you didn't have to be gone. I don't know why you left or the other one too, but please come back guys I miss you. But it's all lies, and a bunch of hate, so please come back and be my mates. You kicked me out, blocked me on everything, I still get mocked on anything, so please just come back, I'm sorry and yes it's true, I love you all, and that is true.

I miss you my friends

**I made mistakes I’d give anything to undo**
**I blame myself for everything it’s all my fault and I know that’s true**
**I wish I could go back in time and change the things I put us through**
**Been the man I should’ve been when I still had you**
**I wish I’d learned that taking responsibility didn’t mean I had to hate myself forever**
**That I could own the pain I caused without believing I deserved no peace ever**
**I know I can’t change the past no matter how hard I try**
**I can’t take back those moments no matter how many nights I cry**
**I’ve spent years fighting demons that I helped create**
**Still wishing I could go back and make things right before it was too late**
**I lost the man I used to be**
**The dreams I had the life I wanted the happiness inside of me**
**Even though I know my choices played a part in why it fell apart**
**I never thought the price I’d pay would be a lifetime at war with my heart**
**I’m not asking you to forget and I’m not saying I was right**
**I just wish I could forgive myself and finally sleep at night**

I wrote this for something I have been battling with for almost 15 years.. Let me know what you think. Thank you!

I walked into my bathroom high,
I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw.
I broke the mirror with a sluggish punch,
There was glass everywhere, I stepped in some.
I didn’t care.
I kneeled down and picked up a shard,
The edges were sharp and cut my hands,
I didn’t care.
I stood up and what’s left of the mirror was still up;
I began carving away what I didn’t like, it was my face.
I didn’t care.
After 10 minutes of carving, I was done.
What was left?
Nothing.
I didn’t like what was there to begin with.
I still don’t care.
I felt bad for my parents, they gave me a face I didn’t appreciate or want. That was it.
I stepped out of the bathroom with the shards of mirror stuck in the soles of my feet,
Every step left a trace,
Every step started an earthquake, everything crumbling around me
Every step brought me closer to the edge.
“Why did I do that?” I asked myself.
“Because you hate yourself” the voice replied.
I felt fear in that moment,
I couldn’t tell who was who or who wasn’t.
I rushed to the window to get a hold of reality.
A woman saw my face and screamed.
“Oh yeah, I forgot” I said.
I touched the bones where once was muscle and flesh,
I can’t remember why I did this.
“Because you hate yourself” I thought.
I still don’t care.

I’ve never actually been in love. Well maybe once or twice.
But was it ever real?
I mean looking at like and my track records, would you even be able to tell?
Oh because yeah I did love them. But the real question is did they ever love me.
No because I’m staring at the ceiling reliving their every words. The conditions that came with their quote on quote love.
Hmm because that totally makes sense.
No let me ask you this?
Where you the pesky demon in loves disguise
Where you the thing that tricked my heart
That now has my heart on lock down
And my head stuck of just focus of the logistics,
Oh because yeah love is such a big game.
And we all should have the change to plan.
Nah man fuck that.
I don’t need the definition of love.
What this world has shown me.
I now have my own definition.

This armor is heavy
It’s scorching inside
It hides all my tenderness
And shapes it like pride

I’m no longer afraid
to be hurt yet again
For no one could hurt me
Or cause that much pain

The fact that you loath me
It’s simply a mystery
Like you can’t even recall
An ounce of our history

You rewrote my persona
Out of spite I played the part
While carrying the scars
Of a once shattered heart

You burried me cruelly
Saying I am to blame
When you can’t seem to
See how you mask all your shame

Yet I often wonder
What you would do
Had you been the one to walk in my shoes

If it was I who had been caught
In bed with YOUR friend
Would that make a difference in how this would end

You made me feel ugly
Weak and unclean
Yet I know with you
I wasn’t never even seen

You simply write it off
Believing I chose the high
When in truth what was happening left me dying inside

I saw through you game
How you left without leaving
And couldn’t look in my direction
Without hatred seething

You toyed with my heart and that hurts the most
You made the butt of your
Hideous joke

I haven’t moved on
I won’t share this pain
I don’t want to hurt
Like that ever again

You told me you wanted
My love and pain
The light and the darkness
But that was vain

I was never enough
Like you said before
Or you wouldn’t have been
Constantly searching for more

Even in the beginning
You already had another
I wished I’d have chosen
To not even bother

You couldn’t even say sorry
Or accept your part
In shattering my mind
My wellbeing or my heart

Instead you just drained me
Till I was empty like you
And jumped onto the next
Because that’s what you do

And you’ve fully carried out
Your 2 cycle is the same
You’re playing again
At the same loosing game

You’ve moved on with your next one
It won’t be that long
Before you carry out the same tired song

While still I’m here healing
Fighting off feeling blue
Cause I meant every word
When I said I love you

But you cannot love
Like I do
now I see it so clearly
Your words are so empty
Tho you say them so dearly

So I try to unlove you
The you that was never real
And pray that someday
My heart fully heals

Struggling to get by
And not lose what I built
When you don’t even shoulder an ounce of the guilt

This armor is heavy
It’s scorching inside
But all I can do
Try to get by

I shoulder weight
Of it’s clunky mess girth
Hating that o still love you
For whatever it’s worth

In all honesty, I dont believe in god

The world just needs more good in it a whole lot more and people who have the ability to be kind hearted and improve and remove the hatred in their heart

This is for the ostracized, the poor, the kid in the friend group that gets left out, the kid who is bullied or abused, the leper, the orphan, the ugly.

Let this reassure them, let this help them the depressed workers, the joyless, the ones who ha e to walk this world alone, the forgotten, those who've never known warmth or love.

The dead soldiers with family's left behind, the cripples, the small people, the deformed, the unconfident, the homeless, the disenfranchised young men and women, the terrified, the traumatized, the mentally ill, the people in a war zone just trying to survive.

Anyone brought into this world and experiencing unbearable suffering.

I hope they all find peace and moments of happiness and acknowledgement that their life has meaning and they are worth something, and have goodness inside them.

This is for the lost, the tired, the heart broken, the dead, the good people who've been forgotten

In all honesty, I dont believe in god

The world just needs more good in it a whole lot more and people who have the ability to be kind hearted and improve and remove the hatred in their heart

This is for the ostracized, the poor, the kid in the friend group that gets left out, the kid who is bullied or abused, the leper, the orphan, the ugly.

Let this reassure them, let this help them the depressed workers, the joyless, the ones who ha e to walk this world alone, the forgotten, those who've never known warmth or love.

The dead soldiers with family's left behind, the cripples, the small people, the deformed, the unconfident, the homeless, the disenfranchised young men and women, the terrified, the traumatized, the mentally ill, the people in a war zone just trying to survive.

Anyone brought into this world and experiencing unbearable suffering.

I hope they all find peace and moments of happiness and acknowledgement that their life has meaning and they are worth something, and have goodness inside them.

This is for the lost, the tired, the heart broken, the dead, the good people who've been forgotten