I'm a 24-year-old woman. I was born and raised in an Eastern European country in a wealthy family, but I moved to a Nordic country three years ago by choice.

My living situation here isn't very stable. I rent an apartment and study full-time in a language program. I'm currently unemployed, but I have enough savings to support myself here. Unfortunately, the job market in my field is oversaturated, and I haven't been able to find a job despite having a master's degree. I'm working on improving my chances by applying for jobs and improving my language skills. There's a good chance I'll land a fully funded PhD position in the near future, but right now, it seems like only unskilled jobs (such as receptionist or kindergarten teacher positions) are available to me.

I recently broke up with my partner, who is also an immigrant, partly because he was facing the same problem. His uncertainty about his future here made him consider returning to his home country. I understand his reasoning, but I didn't want to invest my time in such an unstable situation or follow him back to his home country. I'm determined to build my future where I live now.

At this point, I feel ready to start dating again, but I'm a little insecure about whether my standards are unrealistic. My past relationship taught me that I really value stability and maturity in men, so I'd prefer to date local men. However, I have this lingering fear that I might come across as a stereotypical young Slavic woman who's only interested in obtaining a European citizenship. Is it even fair to date local men with stable jobs when my own lifestyle is currently so different from theirs?

I've read on this sub, and learned from my own experience, that men don't necessarily care as much about a woman's status as they do about her looks, youth, and personality. I think I do have that: I'm pretty conventionally attractive, feminine, fit, bubbly, etc. However, I still feel like I'm being unreasonable, and honestly, this insecurity undermines my confidence when I go on dates.

I also tend to be attracted to significantly older men (35–48), so I'm worried that men in this age group might perceive me as a gold digger.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Upd: I don't want to have children in the future, so I'm not looking for a provider (I don't believe you can find that in a Nordic country anyway). I can support myself and would like to share my life with my partner

Hi,

I’m in a beautiful relationship - we’re deeply in love, and share so many niche interests and values. He treats me impeccably, and after around 100 first dates and another long-term relationship in my early-mid twenties that ultimately wasn’t right, I genuinely feel like I’ve found the best of the best for me.

The only thing that makes me anxious is that he’s a bit younger than me. We’ve been together for six months, and although we both want marriage and children eventually, we haven’t explicitly discussed timelines or whether we see those things together yet.

We’re both ambitious and doing well for our ages (I own a tiny house, and he owns a flat); he's very mature in that way, and doesn't party or act immaturely. He supports me MASSIVELY and helps promote my business. He invests into me in any way, shape or form he can, even teaching me to drive.

However, in general convos, he makes it clear he'd want a big house to raise kids in - and support like a nanny etc., which I agree. Neither of us is ready now, and I’m not in a rush, but I’d ideally like to be engaged before 30 and have my first child around 33, when he’d be 31/32. So, sometimes a silly, irrational part me me worries... worries that he'll want to delay kids and stuff, until he's 40 or something.

Having previously had an abortion that I grieved, I know I want a kid, despite past ambivalence. Sometimes I worry we’ll have five blissful years together only to break up, leaving me feeling as though I gambled with my future.

But it also feels insane to end something this good over a hypothetical risk, especially when dating men 2-5 years older resulted in painful flings and situationships before my bf (!!). Again, my bf is SO loving and would miss me beyond belief. He’s mature, adores our mental connection, and doesn’t seem like someone who wants to spend his thirties playing the field.

I don’t want marriage and children at any cost either; I want them with someone I truly love. And I finally have that.

I plan to ask him naturally how he sees the next few years unfolding, including when he’d ideally want marriage/children.

But if he gives me a loving yet vague answer, which he might as a 26-year-old who's madly in love but busy making money, should I be concerned?

How do I balance being realistic about my future with trusting a relationship that feels so rare and right?

I'm beyond aware that my age (albeit not much older than his!) is my issue, as are any irrational or rational fears I might have, as is any tenderness I feel about my abortion.

But I think it's fair that, in such an adoring relationship, I make it clear to him I would need to walk in 2-3 years if we aren't getting engaged as I want the best bet at achieving my dreams.

I feel that psychologically, being calm and confident about this while letting him know it'd be a natural consequence will help him rise up (if we're meant to be).

Any thoughts? Thanks so much. <3

We’ve been dating for about 4 months, and we’ve talked about it and agreed we’re exclusive. Yesterday we spent the night together in another city and this morning I told him I love him.

He said “wow, really?” in kind of an ironic tone. When I said yes, he asked how I know I love him and I’m not just in love with him. I said I just feel it and asked why he's trying to downgrade my feelings. Then he joked, “do you love me more than your cat?” I said well, no, jokingly, and he said “see, you don’t love me.”

After that he went to the bathroom and sent me a meme from there: Marge looking unimpressed while Homer says “Haha, you love me.” I replied with a “guilty as charged” GIF... then nothing regarding that conversation, we checked out and he drove me home. He was kinda affectionate on the way and touched my hand a couple of times.

He just kept it playful. To be clear, I’m not expecting him to say it back if he’s not there yet. That’s completely okay. I just felt it, so I said it. What bothers me is how he reacted. He made jokes, then went to the bathroom and sent a meme instead of actually responding. It felt like he was avoiding the moment. He never said it back, and he also never said something simple like “I’m not there yet.”

I have a flight today and will be away for a week, so I won’t see him for a while and don’t know how to feel. He may come to take me to the airport, so we might get a chance to discuss this before I go, but I'm not sure if I should bring it up again

I've been reflecting a lot on this recently. I understand that a mix of SMV and then RMV is needed. But at what point is SMV good enough for them to focus on a woman's RMV? I've seen a lot of Instagram-model pretty-type women get into relationships, but then they breakup after a while.

And by HVM, I mean successful men, those who genuinely want a family, are picky, and have lots of options. I'm not picky about their heights I date men as short as 5'8".

However, I notice a lot of them have a huge ego. I went on a date with one recently and he kept telling me a lot of women want to settle down with him, that if he wanted a trophy wife he'd have one by tomorrow, that he has too many options and doesn't know how to choose one.

Another guy was older and an engineer and from the beginning he kept telling me how the women in our city are a downgrade from NYC and how I'm similar to what he usually goes for, kept criticizing women consistently even for things like having him walk them out after spending the night at his place, and told me he goes for younger women who are easy to mold.

The other ones I met were in this cycle of dating women serially for 5 years and never even becoming exclusive with any.

I guess I'm starting to feel that maybe I am not enough for HVM? I know I physically look good, and they tell me I'm very feminine and smart and wife material, but I feel all the ones I gear towards are the redpill guys but I wonder who the good HVM commit to?

I've always heard, no man who wants to be with you would take more than 2 years to commit. And for a while, I believed that, but now I'm at the age where most people I know are starting to get engaged and I've found myself questioning this.

A man in my friend circle just got engaged to his partner of 2 years. When I've seen them together, he's affectionate. They're a good match on paper. Basically, they seem to fit the whole "when you know, you know" ideal. But this man has admitted to me (a few months into their relationship) that he sometimes missed using dating apps. When they moved in together, he didn't seem excited, said something along the lines of "I'm over 30 years old, it's time to take that step." I could be reading into things of course, I don't truly know their relationship, but it's just happened multiple times where he's said/done something and I just can't help but think I'd be upset if my partner was being that way. But he committed to her quickly, shouldn't that mean something?

On the flip side, I recently attended a wedding where the couple had been together for nearly 10 years because the groom was delaying proposing. It was to the point that family members brought it up in their speeches. But the groom's speech was one of the most beautiful and touching I'd heard, you could really feel his love for the bride. And even before they became engaged, I saw this man doing sweet things for her all the time and he'd told me privately she was definitely the one. So then I'm just like, well why did you take so long to propose?

I do know couples who are somewhere in the middle: genuinely healthy and loving, talked about marriage earlier on. I also know a couple who seems to be becoming the stereotypical "forever gf" trope. I guess I wonder, what puts a relationship into these different situations? How do you make sure a man is committing to you for the right reasons, at a reasonable timeline?

We, both 30, matched on a dating app while he was visiting my city. He lives across the world. We met up a couple of times and later traveled together twice. We shared a room but were not physically intimate.

Conversation is alright. He’s kind, stable, from a reputable background, and affluent. On paper, he’s not a terrible marriage candidate. But I’m not physically attracted to him—he’s overweight, and I’ve always dated people who are in shape. Taking care of oneself and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is important to me. He asked if I wasn’t attracted, and I told him the truth: I’m into people who are more in shape.

So far, we haven’t defined what we are. Given the long distance, I made it clear that I’ll be open to dating. But he has been making a conscious effort to keep things going, including by suggesting meeting halfway, and has organized a travel plan. I’m now feeling increasingly pressured because he seems overly excited about finally consummating the “relationship.” Honestly, I feel a strong aversion/repulsion when I think about sex with him.

I’m aware this may sound like I’m considering him for stability. That’s part of why I’m asking for outside perspective. I don’t want to string him along, use him, or lie to myself. But I also don’t know if I’m being too rigid, if attraction could grow, or if I should end it.

My questions:

1. Is it possible to build genuine sexual attraction when it wasn’t there initially and I feel this averse?
2. How do I set boundaries around travel, shared rooms, and sex without being cruel or misleading?
3. How do I distinguish between wanting him and wanting the security he represents?
4. Should I end this now, or is there a respectful way to slow it down or keep it platonic?
5. How would you communicate this honestly?

TL;DR: Long-distance match is great on paper, but I’m not physically attracted to him and feel repulsed by the expectation of sex. He’s planning a trip around consummating the relationship. How do I handle this honestly without stringing him along or caving to pressure?

I (27F) and my boyfriend (29F) live together, and we have a really complicated history. We were high school sweethearts. I broke up with him almost a decade ago. Both of us ended up in really fucked up relationships after this, and about 10 months ago, I reached out. 5 months after that, in May 2026, we finally met up and started dating.

Since then, it’s been a shitshow. I know this man loves me and never stopped loving me. Part of this is because of certain social media posts, people we both know telling me what he’s said over the years, and the gestures he’s done for me. I think because we bonded over parental trauma, he has a weird form of oneitis for me.

But with that being said, I also strongly believe he’s a sex addict. That makes the oneitis thing less likely. I just think he is really fucked up, largely due to his marriage. He was married between 2023-2025, and it was a dumpster fire. He ended up homeless, and his self esteem tanked. By the time I met him, he’d moved up to a decent job and his own place, but his insecurities are still there. I’ve caught him texting other girls, lying to me almost compulsively, and I recently found an account on a porn website with a ton of material. Like…a lot. There’s actually a ton of information I ended up finding out via snooping, and he knows that I know, which culminated in him suggesting couples counseling.

He suggested couples counseling after my third meltdown. We had our first session three days ago. I grilled him the night of, however, because I’m just so angry. This was the first time I let all my anger out, without any tears. I told him I am ready to walk (not a threat - I genuinely will), and I ended up spending the night at my mom’s. It was also the first time he made any real type of admission. In his words, he is “an insecure, cowardly loser who likes to get attention from people”. He admitted he compartmentalizes, has a problem (although was vague about what the problem actually is), etc.

He scheduled a private session with our counselor because he wants to get it all out, as in what the actual problem is and the extent of it, before we have another couples session. Our counselor explicitly told us he won’t hold secrets from either partner. I’m all for this. I’m actually really proud of him, although for self preservation purposes, my hopes are not high.

With that being said, how do I act during this? We have a lease together, so I can’t just up and go. Realistically I think it’s 50/50 on whether he changes or not. But I need to know what to do during.

So far (it’s been a total of 3 days lol) I have:

* Stopped sleeping in the same bed as him
* Stopped allowing intimacy (no sex or kissing, we hugged today though)
* Stayed at my mom’s the night of the fight
* Stopped crying, panicking, and micromanaging
* Demanded we both have each other’s passcodes and passwords to our computers

He has reacted to this by wanting more physical touch and reassurance from me to the point I have to bat him away. He reacted positively to my demands, but I am not reassured. I’m not doing this to get a reaction out of him, though. I need to reestablish boundaries and also practice some self love because I feel incredibly disrespected and when I found everything out a month or two ago, I reacted by basically suffocating him in love/affection/reassurance I’ll be there for him no matter what, and that got me nowhere.

Please let me know what I can do to at least better protect myself, and how to act in a way where the forbidden fruit isn’t as tantalizing as it is.

hi, i'm 27 and a lot of the time i feel like i attract flashy men but they're not my type. both in person and online. i'm not flashy myself and i don't wear lots of outwardly expensive or designer things but i am well dressed and groomed. i obviously don't mind a man who looks after his appearance and works hard in life but i'd prefer someone a bit more traditional and basic in appearance. any advice on where to look/how to change this?

No matter how long I’ve been here (which isn’t as long as many other ECs) and no matter how much reading I’ve done, sometimes I am still reminded that I don’t fully understand men and get surprised by things that, in retrospect, I should have known. Recently this came about in my marriage regarding the power of attire.

As we age, it can get harder to know what to wear. We want to stay fashionable, youthful, and trendy, yet not look like an older woman trying and failing to be young. If we are single, we want to look hot but not give the impression we are easy or trashy or a woman with no morals, and if we are married, we want our husband to be proud to be seen with us and turn him on without embarrassing him. There are also the practicalities of life – are we managing kids, are we working out, are we in a hot or cold climate, and footwear… comfort matters! So what is a woman to do?

As I look at my own fashion journey, I dressed sexy in my 20s, but nothing over the top slutty. Pretty mainstream stuff, showing cleavage and curves. As I entered into my 30s, I became a little more conservative. I was single and wanting to give the impression I was marriage material. I also was going out less, staying home more, put on 20 lbs or so, so covered up more as I didn't feel comfortable in tight fits in my body. The styles as of recent times have also trended fairly conservative – the prairie dresses, the wide leg pants, urban styles – all of this made me think it was ok I was covering up a bit more, it was good, it was fashionable. And all the online talk in the manosphere of women being too slutty, not marriage material, etc played into it for me as I was single. On top of it, I refound spirituality and religion and felt better covering up. It is worth noting I converted to a religion where dressing conservatively is key for women so I have gotten more conservative in the past 2 years even.

When I met my husband, in the first 3 months of dating, he mentioned he thought I dressed too conservatively. He listed it along with other things he thought I could change including my weight and I was hurt and upset. He said these things to me in a nice way, and to be fair, I did ask what he thought I could change. He pretty quickly apologized and told me I should wear what I am comfortable in, it wasn’t his place to tell me what to wear. I kept it in mind and started a “get fit” journey but was more focused on fitness than attire. And I really thought I WAS dressing cute – I was wearing flowy sundresses and maxi dresses, I got some cute wide leg pants and tight sweaters, etc. And the topic didn’t come up much after, maybe an occasional passing comment, but I could tell and feel that I wasn’t getting my husband’s attention with my looks. He’d tell me I looked pretty, and I think he meant it, but I wasn’t getting the animalistic “you look hot I want to F you” response I wanted. He even praised me for my weight loss, but I still wasn't getting the full response I wanted.

As we hit this fall, I naturally started wearing more leggings. I’ve also lost 25 lbs over the past 1.5 years. I ditched the longer tunic tops for short shirts and pulled out my tall boots (he mentioned once he loved them but I hadn’t worn in a long time because I thought ankle boots were more in trend). And all of the sudden, my husband is obsessed with my look. Like seriously overnight. I started going for cleavage with push up bras and asked him “is this too slutty to wear out, should I change?” and he’s all “NOOOOO I love it, wear it.” The tall boots and tall socks turn him on too – I chalk it up to that this is what women wore when he was in his 20s and becoming sexually awakened and so it does something for him.

The results? We’ve been having sex twice a day on weekends and pretty much daily during the work week over the past week or two. I can feel he feels more proud to be out with me. He told me “you look hot” (vs. pretty) which I don’t think he has ever said to me outside of sexy times… and I could feel he meant it. He’s more attentive, more cuddly both in public and private, more ass slapping, just overall craving me more. In short, it has increased my value in his eyes, no doubt about it.

This seems SO simple but I am shocked that simply dressing this way has this effect on him. If I had known a year ago, I would have done it, but I thought I needed to get fit so I covered up as I thought I would embarrass him otherwise. I had no idea just dressing in skin tight stuff would make him want to have more sex, to see me as more valuable, to feel proud to be seen with me. My sexuality doesn’t work like that at all – I find him attractive and to me what turns me on is more about what he does/says in bed, not what he looks like. If he wears whatever, it doesn't impact my sexual attraction to him. I really just missed the mark on the difference between men and women here, the power that simply just looking at my cleavage and ass in tight pants has on his desire for me, and I can’t believe I misunderstood this for so long.

Now every man is different, YMMV. I know some men do want their women to dress more conservatively in public, so you should know what your man wants and desires. But there is a case for dressing slutty and bucking the trends to wear what appeals to the male gaze and not what fashion magazines say is in. I can’t believe I made this mistake for so long, I can’t believe I lost the plot on how men work, that men are sexually different than women, and that something so simple can earn such drastic results.

Background: I would say I have a slightly above average smv but a rather high rmv. Not perfect, like I hardly ever cook, but on all other fronts I score a solid A+.

The problem: I have consistently back to back met, and converted to a relationship hvm. 6ft, 6 figure with high potential for more, 6 inch, and 6 pack. But also extremely emotionally intelligent and regulated, smart, hard working, ambitious, fun, funny men. Each for a bit over a year. I am currently in talking stage with another.

The only recurring problem, is they make it very very VERY clear that monogamy is against their nature. Some have even said blatantly they plan to have a wife and sleep with women on the side. Another wanted a harem. And the other, who I am in the talking stage with now, said he wants to play the field for a bit longer before committing to monogamy, which he is open to, because he is still young. My woman brain hates this. My man brain knows if I was a man, I 1000% wouldn’t settle down until my late 30’s. Tbh even as a woman I wish I could wait longer as commitment is rather scary.

I keep running into this with hvm and I am starting to get confused on if I should just accept it or not. In truth I don’t care that much about casual sex on the side. 100%. Genuinely don’t care. key word is CASUAL. However, I DO care about being a part of a harem. I am afraid to let a man in and become his wife, then he pulls a fast one on me and says, “I want another one.” And by that time, I am already married with kids and I won’t leave him. I am also afraid of my reputation if my bf or husband were caught with another woman by my family/friends. I would feel embarrassed.

To some women, you may be quick to judge. And say these men don’t love me or care about me. I think that is too simple. As monogamy is quite new and very rare. Married men in the past still visited brothels. I doubt all men in history felt nothing for their wives. But I also recognize I need a solution and I need help. This isn’t something I want to go to my family or friends about as its taboo.

Do I accept open relationships? Do I try and enforce monogamy?

I just turned 28 (f) Dated a guy for 4 years , met him when I was 23. I stayed with him longer than I should have, and I’m single again by my choice. I’ve been told I look 22-24, I have No kids and a low body count. I’m a really great person but I’m worried my age will turn guys off. Should I be honest about the fact that I stayed with someone I shouldn’t have, or just be bland when asked about my dating life? I know a lot of foids call their ex abusive- mine wasn’t, but he really was very very emotionally manipulative. I wasted time. How do I make up for it with a man I know I deserve?

Hi everyone; I’ve been reading a book called Fascinating Girl and figured out that I struggle the most in charm and being bubbly. I feel like I have a girlish personality; in touch with my femininity/definitely feel in touch with myself (as I dance to music with two left feet but still having the time of my life, for instance. That bubbly, joyful girl comes out) but I’m naturally shy and reserved, especially when it comes to men. I put up a wall and speak in a lower pitch when talking to other guys as I feel uncomfortable being my authentic, feminine self around then since I fear judgement and rejection.

I see men gravitate towards bubbly, outgoing women. I’m not naturally like that. The only time I’m bubbly is around close female friends and family. I don’t talk and they see that as me passing them on, I'm sure.

What can I do to let my guard down? Thank you so much in advance!

My bf has this one girl always pop up as 1st in his stories, I know he thinks she’s attractive because she’s obviously his type. She played at his music thing and so he follows he on both his music account and his personal account and it just annoys me that she’s 1st on his stories for both accounts and he likes her posts on BOTH accounts.
The post he likes are her just being cool, they’re not provocative, she posts those in her story (which idk if he likes those or not because I don’t have a way of knowing)

It’s such an internet thing that I can’t really say anything, but on an overarching point of view I can SEE what’s happening (if that makes sense)
I already had a talk with him about his online lust and he validated me and made changes.
But this is such a lowkey thing you know, that would seem irrelevant…

He’s really loving and sweet and emotionally intelligent that it makes me feel CRAZY to feel like this, I really just want to break up with him because dealing with things like this makes my stomach turn and my heart turn into a knot.

Am I crazy? Am I over reacting?

I(30f) am dating a fantastic man(35). He does so much for me, and I try hard to be the best partner I can. He is financially more comfortable than me and enjoys the provider role. We don’t live together and only get 3 nights a week together. He happily does endless chores to help me as in physical house/property chores, does my weekly grocery shopping with me(and pays), sends me DoorDash when he knows I’ve had a long day, etc…. We eat out together a lot but it tends to be inbetween errands type casual. He’s a homebody and while I am too most the time, I enjoy getting a little dressed up and going out once every week or two…. Which we did a bit in the start of our relationship but we’ve hit that “comfortable” stage. And he works incredibly hard so I feel bad asking for more from him. How do I ask him to take me on dates without sounding unappreciative for the things he does? Or sound like kinda silly for asking?

How do some average girls date a guy “above their league” ?

An acquaintance girl friend of mine is dating a guy who is conventionally attractive, handsome, athletic, has cool hobbies, academically successful, interning at a prestigious company, ambitious and comes from a celebrity/influencer family. Because of that he has a lot of followers on social media. An everyone are calling him handsome on social media and telling him to model.

As you can imagine, he is very popular in my university. Many girls find him intimidating. He is the guy many women would want to date. Guys like that look at me don't even bother giving their time to talk to me, even something as small as small talk.

By comparison, this girl, she is fairly average and plain looking (definitely compared to him), doesn't have the same level of influencer popularity (just a normal college student girl), and comes from a different cultural and ethnic background to him (she is east asian and the guy is white but looks like a model). She does come from an upper middle class family.

She was also only a university freshman when they met and started dating, so no real achievements/status establishment in university too (the guy is not a freshman). Yet they are now in a serious committed relationship and guy celebrates her and shows her off, at least on social media.

I suspect she was interested in and pursued him first? or else the other way around doesn't make sense?

Most of my female friends date men who are more successful professionally, but, in my opinion, they’re better-looking than their boyfriends. So I can see a give-and-take there. With this girl, though, I don’t see that same balance. She’s “dating up” across all the areas I’m comparing, rather than just career and success.

I don't believe she just got lucky, because a pattern I've noticed about her is that she is highly ambitious about everything in general, she became student council president in high school and regularly tries out for and secures competitive opportunities, from the companies she applies for to the university clubs she joins, they are all socially regarded as high tier and competitive to get into.

There are two things I’m trying to understand:

1. How did she find the confidence to pursue such a guy romantically? Most of my girl friends look at him and they are intimidated, so how was she so confident?
2. How she got him to successfully reciprocate and choose her, presumably when he had many options and many asian girls that look like her too

I know guys are big on how a girl looks above anything else, especially guys that are highly sought after.

But this girl looks pretty average and plain, like most asian girls in my university, and definitely not as good looking compared to him.

So what makes someone seemingly average able to attract a person “above their league”? in literally multiple aspects in this case? especially as a girl, where its not as common to date above their league compared to vice versa? What is this girl (and people like her) doing differently, where high value men say yes to be with her? what is their secret?

I [F28] have known this man [M32] for around 6 months. We live in different cities, so most of our relationship is through texting, although before his current family situation we also used to call more often.

We had some conflict earlier in the relationship and nearly ended things a couple of times, but every time we talked it through, he came back saying he wanted me and didn’t want us to stop talking. Our last major conflict was almost two months ago. After that, we decided to try again, agreed on exclusivity, and things had actually been going well. We weren’t fighting and there wasn’t any obvious problem between us.

Then around three weeks ago, he had a family emergency. Since then, his communication has changed dramatically. He spends a lot of time at the hospital and with his family, and he may travel abroad with them tomorrow for treatment. He has told me he misses me, has said he wants to see me, and even tried to arrange seeing me but couldn’t make it because of everything happening. He also told me he’ll call when he gets the chance.

The difficult part is that he barely shares anything about the situation. I don’t know who is sick or exactly what is happening. When I asked, he said it was “family stuff” and that he really doesn’t want to talk about it. I’ve tried to respect that and not push him, but because I don’t know what’s happening and his texting has become very inconsistent, I feel like I’m being kept at arm’s length.

Since the family emergency started, his communication has dropped significantly. Before this, we were texting more consistently and having calls, but now we barely talk. Most days he might send one or two messages, usually replying to something I sent earlier or giving me a very small update. Sometimes there are long gaps between replies. I understand that he’s dealing with something serious and may not have much emotional bandwidth, but the sudden change in communication has been difficult for me because it feels like the connection almost disappeared overnight.

I haven’t seen clear signs that he’s lost interest in me. He still tells me he misses me, expresses attraction, asks about me, and talks about seeing me. But the distance and unpredictability are making me very anxious.

For context, I have an anxious attachment style and BPD, so I’m very aware that my mind can catastrophize silence and turn it into “he’s leaving me” even when I don’t have evidence for that. For the last few weeks I’ve been fighting with myself between two impulses: being understanding and giving him space while he deals with something serious, versus ending things to protect myself from the uncertainty. I genuinely don’t want to end things because I really like him and I’ve started falling for him.

I’ve told him that I don’t need details about the family situation and I won’t push him, but that prolonged silence makes me anxious and disconnected, and that I’d appreciate basic communication so I know he’s okay. I’ve also told him I’m focusing on my own training and competitions while he deals with his family.

My question is: How would you handle this without chasing him, becoming overly available, or sabotaging something that may simply be going through a difficult temporary period? How much space would you give, and what would you consider a reasonable minimum level of communication in this situation?

Edit: Added more context about how much his communication has changed since the family emergency started.

I Made a post here about trying to evaluate my market value as I date up and interracially. I don’t date interracially cause I think one race is better than another but for the benefits I can get from it.

I have been dating a white guy who is a few years older than me and I am getting mental fogginess from this. He is doing well for himself and I’m the first black girl he has dated. We never really spoke about race in the beginning and I loved it that way. It was strictly a “woman like man wanna see compatibility thing.”

When we got intimate, things changed; his first comment about race was that he loved the contrast of our skin. I was like okay, that’s alright.

The next thing I noticed was that he’d ask if any black guy has made me feel the way he has and size comparison. He’d compare me to his coffee and how he was gonna be the cream to my coffee. He’d be mad if I pushed him away cause he’s asking for too much and then the worst happened. I began to notice that whenever we were out, he’d look at other girls and say things that he noticed about them. Look at her nails. She has great style. I love those jeans. This broke my heart the most because it felt like I had woken up something dormant in him.

I’m trying to back away but now I regret downplaying the experiences of other black women who told me that they have been fetishized during dating. It’s painful.

This relationship has become more sexual than when we first started and I’m wondering if I should’ve waited longer before we had sex or if it’s okay that I got to see this side of him earlier.

It really hurts cause I wanted us to see each other as people, not as symbols or objects. I think I’m gonna have to accept that it would be hard dating up for me as this is what I seem to attract.

I won’t even get into what I face in casual situations.

A question oft asked in the last decade is "what do you bring to the table". Men like to "gotcha" women with it, women like to say "I am the table" and personally, I think the problem is that none of us really know what we are supposed to bring to the table.

Enter the RP concept of Market Value. Put simply this is what you bring to the table and how important it is on the dating market. There are two aspects of market value: Sexual Market Value (SMV) and Relationship Market Value (RMV).

SMV is what gets your foot in the door. It's all the things that go toward how hot you are and whether a guy is interested in sleeping with you. This oldie but goodie from the wiki is a good down and dirty look at attraction triggers. These are the things that play into SMV.

There is no relationship without sex, so it is important that the guy you like wants to have sex with you. But plenty of hot women get dumped every day so we know it's not the be all end all of the dating world. And by the way, any guy who tells you that being hot is the only thing that is important is not a man worth dating.

And that is because men with standards, who are considering long term partners, will also consider her Relationship Market Value. These are things beyond sex appeal that are important in a long term relationship. This is what you bring to the table.

Now because RPW is Not specifically TradWives there is no there is no one definition of a high value man there is not one set of traits a woman can bring to the table. Culture and class play a big role in what men are seeking for a relationship. Everyone likes beautiful, not everyone is looking for a SAHM.

However, on RPW we acknowledge some universals that men desire for a relationship.

Men want "submissive" women. This is a loaded word so think of it more in terms of agreeableness or deference. They want a girlfriend/wife who is pleasant and happy and doesn't fight with them all the time. The level to which men look for this will vary. Some want more of a partner who handles her own choices while some want to order your food at the restaurant. But none of them want to compete within their relationship.

Men want respectful women. This blends into the last one. They need respect as a sign of love. Don't be the type to nitpick or tell him what he is doing wrong. Don't "tease" him. Do build him up and praise him. If you do it in front of others that's a lot of good girlfriend points!

Men don't want a promiscuous woman. The specifics will vary by man but given the choice between a girl with two prior partners or ten, all else equal, men will choose the girl with two. Moreover, what they absolutely don't want is a woman who gives the appearance of being easy. A woman who is desirable for a relationship at a minimum gives the appearance of being his alone.

Men do want a sexual woman. They just prefer she be eager to have sex with only him. A passionate woman is an exciting and desirable partner. Sex is an emotional need for men and understanding and acting upon this fact will take a woman far.

Men want women who are pleasant and fun to be around. If you can be a place where he feels good and peaceful (a soft place to land) he will, shockingly, want to be around you. Men get married because things are good and they hope things will continue to be good.

Men want a woman who fits into his life. When you are seeking a certain type of man, they will have a vision for their own life. It is your job to find ways to adapt to that vision. You should have your own interests as well but part of a having a good relationship market value is being a a good fit, this means lifestyle, values and shared goals.

Men want a woman who adds value to his life. This is a bit of a catch all I know. But this is where things will be different depending on the type of man you are looking for. Some will want a wife and mama, others are looking for a girl on a bike maybe you are a loving sex kitten with some dirty knees or baking the best pumpkin muffins. You could be in the garden counting the bees or a free spirit loving the sunshine in a sundress. Do things to lighten his load, bring a smile to his face and be an asset in attaining his life goals. The one near universal I have found, is that men want someone to cook for them.

So if you are struggling to go from dating to "official" or being a girlfriend to being a wife, consider your relationship market value. Sexual market value only gets your foot in the door. Relationship market value are the things that get you down the aisle.

I am considering ending my relationship but am wondering if things are as bad as I think they are, or if I am overreacting or overthinking.

I (30F) met my boyfriend (26M) through his sister. She was a relatively new friend before him & I met. For some background (important for context below), I'm religious - no judgment at all towards those who aren't though. All advice welcome.

When he and I met, I was instantly attracted to him physically and mentally. He was heavily involved in his church/ministry and everyone wanted to date him. He has a strong reputation as a serious believer, good friend, reliable family member, etc.

His sister especially wanted us to meet. I was hesitant and actually said multiple times that I wasn't interested. He was in his third year of getting his undergraduate degree (he was in the military for 3 years and started college later) for being a teacher and wanting to be a missionary (which is NOT what I want for my life). I work in finance for almost a decade so professionally things were 'off' to me. But I discovered he was already a homeowner at 25 with his sister (they own a home together), and I found that to be impressive. I'm also a homeowner and purchased close to his age, so I know how hard it is to accomplish.

So we meet naturally at an event, he asked for my number, and we went on a first date. One month into going out on dates, he asked me to become exclusive. I said yes.

First 2 months were heavenly. He pursued me well and respectfully. He was kind, thoughtful, considerate and sweet.

3rd month I started noticing less of a pursuit. He no longer intentionally planned dates and he wanted to meet spontaneously. I told him I have a hectic work schedule (extremely stressful/high pressure) and opened up about having an autoimmune disease, which means I need to prioritize rest and nutrition. Plus, the only time I can see friends/family is the weekend, so I'd like to know in advance when we can meet and what we're doing so I can plan accordingly. He said, "we've always been spontaneous, though!" and kept pushing me. We're nearing month 6 and he still pushes me with "well what do you want to do? Can you give me a list (I already did actually - we sat down and made one together 3 months ago) or text me what you want to do?" I told him I love when he initiates, and I've loved every date he has planned. That I trust his judgement and would be happy to do whatever he chooses. He said, "well you don't like to go out to eat" (which is true - because my autoimmunity gets flared easily through food), but I told him there are a million things we could do besides go out to eat. Also, I have a friend who knows about my autoimmune condition and she spent hours searching for restaurants we could go to - and we literally met a few months ago. He has never done the research.

We've eaten dinner at my place numerous times now. He has never once brought over groceries or staples. I don't see him behave this way at his own house, but at mine, he drinks multiple drinks and leaves some half full. One time, he said he was picking up dinner on the way to my house. When he arrived, it was only groceries for him which he asked to keep in my fridge until it was time for him to go home.

Anyways, here are the main "red flags" I'm noticing:

• On our 4th or 5th date, I still hadn't heard from him what his life plans are or what his hopes are for the future. I asked if he could have a perfect life in 5 yrs, what would that look like? He spoke about 15 minutes about missionary work and being martyred for the faith if necessary, and went on and on about Adoniram Judson. I thanked him for being honest - but said we're not compatible - that I'm a little bit older and ready to get married, have a family, and settle down in the same town/area where I purchased my home. His emotions came flooding out, he professed his feelings for me - "my heart is really towards you" - and basically told me this was just a feeling he had, but he's not actively pursing missionary work and he'd be happy being a teacher. Which wasn't true, he told me a few weeks after this he actually wants to be a pastor.
  • His pastor offered him a youth pastor position and he told me he's going to shut it down because "he doesn't need the extra money." But he recently accepted the position after he told me he also thought of turning it down because he wanted to consider a future of us being together and I said "please don't make decisions based on me; we're newly dating, and if you feel called to accept, I hope you would." This caused an argument and he blamed me for being disrespectful/rude for saying that.
• When we first started meeting up, he told me he was a "light charismatic" and he went to a "secretly charismatic church" meaning they don't show how charismatic they really are, but that he wasn't himself. 1.5 months into our relationship, he attended an overnight 2 week conference out of state where they spoke in tongues, casted out demons, stayed up until the wee hours of the morning "slaying in the spirt" etc. I told him very clearly on dates 1-2 I'm reformed, attend a PCA church and am highly skeptical of the gifts. He said he was just a "light charismatic" though. Later said he prays in tongues and wakes up in the middle of the night feeling demonic presences. My only response was a facial expression of "???"
• He called me an "elf" and a midget" - I am 5'1"
  • When I told him this was mean and didn't laugh, instead of saying sorry, he doubled down and added, "hey! it's not bad! At least I didn't say you look like a little kid :) that'd be far worse!" and kept laughing. When I said if he ever called me this again, I would end the relationship, he replied, "Are you serious?! I was joking!!! My family and I joke like this all the time!" I reiterated it wasn't ok and I would end things with him. That's when he said he was sorry and wouldn't joke like that anymore.
  • Since then, he has made comments like my clothes are so tiny it looks like it fits a 12 yr old, told me I'm so small he needs binoculars to see me, said I have a corporate laugh (like what does that even mean), and noted that I "made a weird facial expression - you look like an old person trying to sound hip" when he asked me what music I liked.
• He has pressured me to go to his family events or other things when I didn't want to or was completely exhausted, has worn me down emotionally multiple times, never accepts my "no" - it's always a debate or negotiation time. There's always a guilt trip.
  • His sister told me he always pressures her to go to things even when she doesn't want to, but when she tries to pursuade him, he's a firm "no"
• We have different standards of living - I told him I would like to have a home before we have children. He said we could raise three kids happily in my 2bed, 2bath condo of 1,200 SF. I told him but I wouldn't be happy... I'd like my kids to have extra room, have a good quality education, healthy food - these are things that really matter to me. He told me as long as bills are paid and there's food on the table I should be grateful.
• The topic of contraception came up. He said if we were having sex (we aren't - I'm a virgin and he had sex in a HS relationship - "born again virgin" since he was 21). He said he'd slip off the condom and started laughing. I did not laugh and said that's not funny - I was serious and staring at him. He said, "I was joking!!!! Come on, I wouldn't impregnate my wife against her will." Yet he kept laughing, and I felt a cold chill go down my spine.
• When we came back from a light jog, he pressured me for us both to take showers (separately of course). I told him no, it was already late let's just have dinner and say goodbye since I had to be up really early to prep for a work meeting the next day. He kept pressuring me until I gave in. While I was in my shower though, I felt a flash of fear hit my soul (?) I couldn't describe it to you - I just felt it and heard in my head the words "get out. Get out now." So I did. I got ready and my heart sank when I realized I forgot to lock 2 doors leading into my bathroom. The only one I did lock was the one he was standing right in front of when I got out. He was standing in front of my washer and dryer with his towel.
• I told him one on one dates are important to me, but whenever we have a free day to meet up, he wants to go to a worship night together with his friends, or says "my family wants to see me, let's go hang out with them," or "x and x would like that - or x and x live nearby, let's invite them." He hasn't asked me out on an actual date in months. Our last 2 dates I was the one who told him what I'd like to do. When I told him I'm not feeling pursued and I'd like him to initiate more, he said, "I'm not trying to get a 2nd or 3rd date anymore." And "send me a list of what you want to do."
  • Part of his bday gift to me was a picnic basket. He told me often he wanted to take me out for a beach picnic. I told him I'd love that and knew just the outfit I wanted to wear for it (it included me wearing a pretty top he got for me). That day never came.
  • He knew I had a list on my phone of date outfits and he still didn't / hasn't plan anything
• His car broke down 4 months ago. He's been driving a beat up car that's literally on its last leg for this duration - it's one of his grandparents' cars. It doesn't have AC. He had the option to buy his sister's car and he did but procrastinated buying it (or couldn't afford it?). Every time he drove to see me, he was driving it. He'd walk to my driver's seat as if he was going to drive MY CAR, and I laughed and said absolutely not, pop a squat in the passenger seat. Told him he wasn't on my insurance and I wasn't going to risk it. He mocked me saying insurance only covers the car not the driver. This has happened literally every single time we need to drive together somewhere. I refuse to drive in his grandparents' car because it's so old and has numerous issues. His last car was so old it blew up in flames (yes girl I'm serious)
• He knows how important finances are for me. I grew up in poverty and witnessed deeply traumatic things growing up with a single mom. I worked extremely hard through school and now have a high paying career. I am actually considering going back to grad school to make a career shift so that it gives me a better work-life balance, especially as I'd like to be a wife and mother one day. I told him if we were to get married, I'd be super worried about having children soon because he has never worked a career before (small jobs, but he has 0 professional experience). I said I'd be worried that I'd feel pressured to take on the financial burden for our family, and that I'd resent him for it. That we could end up having serious marital issues early on with a child because of lack of space and resources. I do not want to drain my savings or stay in my high pressure career.
  • His response was: "I make enough from the military" and essentially, he's going to milk the benefits and extend school for as long as possible to avoid being a teacher because "it's not really what I want to do and it doesn't pay well. You need to accept that if we're together, I'm going to be in school for 3-5 years and as a pastor, I might make very little money." I said, well what if you see your family is struggling, would you change careers? "No - I'm going to follow whatever I feel like is the Lord's will for my life. I'm not going to be a slave for my job."
• He came over my house one night. I made him dinner and then he pressured me to let him shower there again. I said, "but you don't even have clean clothes?" and he told me to give him something of mine to wear. I had an oversized t-shirt and pj pants I gave him. I was handing it over when I realized he wouldn't have clean underwear. I told him so, and he said, "lots of men don't wear undies with bottoms. I'll be fine." showered anyways, and then was pressing up against me trying to kiss me as I was cooking. Afterwards, he realized he forgot his phone in his car, so he wanted to go get it. My sandals were by the front door and he was about to put his foot in. I said, "hey! Please don't do that. Please wear your own shoes." He insisted his shoes were dirty and he'd be outside only for a few minutes, but I said "you're going home in them anyways." He was still sliding his foot through when I said, "Please!! Stop! Those are my favorite sandals and you're going to stretch them out. I'm serious - I'm actually really sad right now. Please stop." He started laughing and put his foot through. I again told him I was sad, told him to stop, and he said, "this isn't that serious!!!! I'll buy you a new pair if they stretch." I said, "it's not about new ones - I can't find new ones, these are one of a kind. Stop!" And he proceeded to put his other foot in my other sandal. He opened the door to leave wearing them and I grabbed him by the arm and said, "You need to stop! Take them off NOW!" and he did, but he complained the entire night "it wasn't serious."
• He shamed for me meeting my pastor one on one in a public coffee shop. He said this was "inappropriate - how do you not see that?! That's how affairs start!"
• He broke my trust --- he had a summer job. Told me he had a co-worker who was showing interest in him. He wanted to connect her and I, for me to invite her to my church. I said I'm not comfortable with that - you just told me she likes you. A week later, our mutual friends were going to host a get together. I wasn't sure if I was going. I was on FaceTime with him and his sister was right next to him. They were telling me the people they invited. Then my boyfriend goes, "Oh I also invited [his co-workers name - let's call her Julia] - [my name]'s arch nemesis" and he laughed. His sister didn't say anything. I said, "that was weird, I don't even know her."
  • Keep in mind he did not know I was going to this event until the day of
  • The day of the event, my boyfriend shows up, says hi to me, we barely talk, he sits next to me and talks the entire time with another man. I turn to my side and talk to other people.
  • When Julia arrives, my boyfriend immediately greets her (I know they have each others' phone numbers - he said they need for work) and he introduces her and I. I can tell they both seem a little nervous around each other. I am friendly with her then go back to talking to the people I was having a conversation with. My boyfriend proceeds to then stand next to her the ENTIRE rest of the time while I'm there, about 45 mins. Eventually I need to leave, him and I walk back to my car as he's helping me carry some things (we drove separately). He said he can tell something is wrong.
  • I am honest with him that I'm upset that he invited her. I said that wasn't appropriate - you knew what you were doing. He ends up saying they actually have known each other for the past 3 years and last year she made (word for word) "clear advances" toward him. I said how do you think that makes me feel? This is so incredibly hurtful. He said it's not a big deal - that he wanted to connect her with his sister (who is my good friend! Her and I were friend before him and I dated) and that he and Julia have no history.
  • I told him that's a problem - because if Julia becomes friends with his sister, she will be in my friend group moving forward. He kept insisting he did nothing wrong. I'm not proud of this but I raised my voice at him because I was so hurt and he just wasn't getting it.
  • I told him I was extremely hurt and disrespected - and needed some space. He proceeded to bombard me with texts and calls, disregarding my need for space. He eventually apologized about 3 days in but said he didn't want to text at all until we saw each other again. After the week, I was ready to break up with him when we both met in person. I was expecting an apology....... there was none. His stance was the same as before.
  • He made me cry over the phone when I told him a piece of my trust towards him has been broken and I don't know if I see a future together anymore. He kept me on the phone for 2 hours, me begging him to let me just go to sleep because I was exhausted. I said I was so unhappy in this relationship - that I don't deserve this, and that this is not the kind of relationship I want to be in. He never once apologized for making me cry. He actually told me to laugh and said we needed to end on good terms. I faked my way to pretending like I was fine to get off the call.
  • ***** Just last week, I couldn't take the feeling that he was lying to me about this Julia situation (it happened 1 month ago). While he was using the bathroom, I looked through his phone. He kept blaming the situation on me (you should've told me not to invite her, you should've told me you didn't want me to connect her with my sister, etc). Well - I saw on his phone that he was the one to text her the day after the bonfire (so he clearly knew where I stood w/ everything) and said, "Hey I'm so glad you came. Could I give my sister your number so you both can connect more?"
    • I didn't tell him what I found on his phone, but instead asked how did she and his sister get connected since I didn't see them talking at the bonfire. He stayed quiet. I asked, "Did they exchange info when you and I were away talking?" He said, "yeah I guess"
• I told him I miss seeing him one-on-one and spending time together. He told me he would come see me. Called me 1 hour before he was supposed to, to tell me some story about how he had to drop/add classes at the last minute and needed to study for the new class tomorrow. I told him I was sad to hear that - that I was looking forward to seeing him but understood. Yet.... while still on the phone, told me he just so happened to notice his mom's car at the beach (?????) and he knew they were all having pizza together, so he was going to stop and have dinner with them. And that he'd call me back in an hour. Which of course is no problem, but you have time for that and to call me.. did you actually need to study?
  • I made another attempt at connection by asking if he wanted to go for a walk. He said yes, called me an hr before to cancel.
  • He called me as I was leaving work and asked if I wanted to come see a play at his college. I said yes and took the exit on the highway. He then says, "actually... maybe you shouldn't come. You'd only be here for an hour or two, I don't think it's worth it." When I said that was rude, he said, "Oh I'm sorry! What I mean is that you already drive so far for work and I wouldn't want to make you come all this way"
  • He invited me to his friend's birthday this weekend. I said I was nervous about driving in the rain storm, he said he'd come get me. Calls 1 hr before he's supposed to get here to say "the timing just won't work out... sorry, it's best if you don't come."
  • I've noticed for the past 2 months he's trying to cut our time short. Wants to skip eating dinner at my place, when I went to visit him on his college campus we chatted for 30 mins and I watched him play basketball by himself basically; he wasn't interactive with me and we were supposed to go for a walk. But after basketball he said "maybe we should end the night here." I was an idiot and still pushed for the walk.
• I've spoken to my parents, pastor, counselor, and close mentors. All of them have said this man is immature and his lack of respect for boundaries is scary. But I think about the affectionate moments we have and how he has such a strong, great reputation to everyone who knows him. Sometimes I think I am painting him in a bad light or something. At the same time, I know it's not normal to be going back and forth.

It's been hard for me to break up with him despite this treatment because I do see the good qualities in him - he's chivalrous (opens every door, pays for every date, always drives to see me, is masculine, gets along with everyone, has a very composed demeanor, calm, etc), but I know the writing on the wall is so clear that this man has shown me again and again that he doesn't care about me anymore. At some point along the way he lost interest.

I could use some straight forward advice - even if that means criticizing me. I feel like I need a wig and a red nose for this clown behavior I've been displaying. Just looking for encouragement because I know I need to break up with him, but the past 3 times I've tried, I've given in when we talk in person. He knows I'm not happy and hasn't done anything to change that.

Firstly I used to have the libido of a raging young man and now its been consistently extremely low.. and I no longer feel desire to have sex... that's very sad for me..

And I genuinely feel it affected my ability to bond..

I kinda tried to brush off red pill stuff but after this happened I feel a bit like this and ik afraid it affects my hearts ability to love not only future husband but also future children.

I messed around with multiple guys before letting penetration happen and oh boy they are a completely different thing spiritually somehow.

Hello,

I've (27F) been reading through the posts here on and off for some time, and yet again a conflict with my partner (29M) of 9 years has brought me back here. But this time I decided to get my shit together and actually ask for help, because our relationship amd my sanity really need it.

My partner and I met as students studying the same engineering degree - in fact, we started dating less than a month after we met, and moved in together shortly after. He's had to be the man of his house from a very young age, which deprived him of a childhood but also made him wise and clever beyond his years. He's ambitious, talented, sporty and handsome, and takes care of me. A truly high value man - I am very lucky.

However, over the past 9 years, I have slowly come to the realisation that I have so very little to offer to him, and that our relationship is highly unbalanced. This feeling has been getting stronger recently, and with it has come sadness and resentment. Nothing makes you confront your inadequacy as much as being continuously proven wrong by someone much smarter than you. He still kindly asks for my input and opinion when deliberating on a decision, but despite being extremely opinionated and never passing up an opportunity to make a comment, deep down I know I've got nothing useful to say and that things would be better if only I would just shut up. It really hurts.

I am slowly starting to realise that the only way I can offer something to him is through performing household chores, which I find demeaning. I apologise to any stay-at-home wives for saying this. (My mum and dad are in a traditional marriage, and she's stayed home since she's had me. However, it's pretty clear that she wanted more out of life than this - maybe that's why I feel this way?). Overall, I struggle to see traditionally feminine qualities as equally valuable as men's, and neither set of qualities come naturally to me.

It's also probably worth noting that I feel inadequate and deficient both at home and at work. I've recently started a new role which has had a steep learning curve, and with my extremely poor social skills and general lack of brain cells it has been a struggle. I constantly feel like the dumbest person in the room, and doubt myself most of the time. In case it's relevant, I am the youngest and currently the only woman in my team. A lot of the time, I release the pent-up anxiety and stress on my partner, which has been a theme over the years. Emotional regulation is a huge challenge for me.

I thought I could amount to more than this, and that I could have been an equal partner. To be completely honest, I probably wanted to be the dominant one (as you may have guessed by now, I've not had the best relationship with my father growing up). But I know for a fact that I could never do better than my partner, and that this stupid attitude of mine has only brought both of us pain. All that being said, I'm still very much in the denial stage of grieving over the way I pictured myself and my future. I know something needs to change, but I'm struggling to make myself truly accept reality and move forward productively.

Any words of advice, real talk, and/or resources would be highly appreciated. Thank you so much.

EDIT: Just wanted to say I am extremely grateful for the kindness and wisdom that you have shared in the comments. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply! I will do my best to be better for his and my sakes!

I’m 33F and dating a guy [34M] I genuinely like. He seems like a pretty normal, well-adjusted guy, and things have been going well so far.

There’s just one thing on my mind.

I’ve tried blowjob in past relationships and honestly, it grossed me out. It’s not something I’m curious about or secretly want to try — I just don’t want to do it.

He, on the other hand, likes them. When I told him that it grosses me out, I could visibly see that he was a little turned off. We’ve continued talking, but it got me thinking about sexual compatibility and compromise.

I do want to settle down in marriage and have kids eventually. So I’m wondering — is this something you would consider compromising on for a partner, even if you don’t particularly enjoy it? Or is it better to be firm about something that you know you don’t want to do?

Because my concern is that even if I agree to it, if I’m uncomfortable or mentally grossed out, it could completely ruin the mood for me — and eventually create resentment. Or lack of sexual compatibility might push him away at some point.

For the women here: how have you handled situations where your partner wanted something sexually that you had a firm boundary around?

Do you think this is something worth discussing and negotiating, or is it simply a compatibility issue if he considers it important?

Would love some honest perspectives.

Im 24F and he is 23M. We have been together for a little over a year and it was all good until recently. He doesnt ask or take into consideration my opinion. He says that all women are the same and none of them are special because they all can bring the same thing to the table. He wants be able to sleep with other women in the future while also being with me( i am not allowed to sleep with other men; i wouldnt want to even if it was an option) we have sex about once a month and thats because he says hes not a sexual person(which doesnt make sense bc why would you want to have sex with other women then if he cant even have sex regularly with me). he says men are never satisfied and their biology is to have alot of children. He works full time and had me quit my job so now i just stay at home. He says that a man shows love by paying for everything and letting women live a comfortable life so he should be able to sleep around. He watches fresh and fit alot and gets his information from there. He thinks majority of men are virgins or dont get sex often which might be true im not sure. Hes starting to be slightly disrespectful now in not letting me have my own opinion, saying that im moving the goal post when he asks me a hypothetical question and im unsure of the full context.
Ex: last night he was talking about how marriage isnt about happiness and he asked me if i was with a military man and had kids with him, if he was gone majority of the time but when he was around i was happy, and then there was another guy who would be around all the time and made me happy would i leave the military man. I then asked the question of if i knew this other guy could make me happy wouldnt that mean im already entertaining him and he said that i was moving the goal post and he cant have a good faith argument with me bc of that.
I am unsure what to do because i do love him and i dont have to work(which i dont mind) but my lease is up in February and we were going to get a place together. But my credit is shit and im afraid that if i stay then ill really be screwed later on

I’m trying to gauge my level of “damaged” goods in relation to the dating pool.

I’m 32 year old. I’ve been out of the dating game for years now focusing on myself and my son (he is now 13). I’m looking to get back into dating and I’m taking a real look at what I’m attracted to and what I bring to the table.

My cons are:

- 32, single mom

- came from abuse/SA/poverty upbringing. NOT very close with family at all, no contact with father

- history of entry level or physical work, most recently wildland firefighting and forestry work. I then decided to go back to school last year to get desk work (medial office admin) and worked a cleaning job part time while in school. Fell at work and haven’t worked since after the work injury (had surgery etc). Soon my caseworker and I will discuss work options once I’m cleared physically by my surgeon.

- Multiple larger tattoos (all black) and pierced, including large stretched ears (1”).

- Introverted and quiet, but not shy

- Ex self harm, inner thighs covered in in thick scars.

My strengths:

- Otherwise physically attractive, small frame, fit, good style but a bit odd (vintage pieces, bold pieces)

- Great work ethic, not afraid of hard work or dirt. Does not expect a free ride in a partnership.

- Very clean and organized, stylish home centred around tasteful MCM and vintage.

- Love to cook, nurture, keep a clean home, garden, art, I can see clothing and items.

- Adventurous and outdoorsy (hiking, camping, rock and ice climbing etc)

-Son being older means more free time and he spends weekends with his father.

Now, due to my background and what I have felt I deserve, even though I am attracted to clean, more traditional men, I feel like a fraud. I feel like they can see and smell the damage a mile away. so I have dated what I felt I deserve in the past, leading me to total slubs who get angry that I am too “progress driven” and who I quickly outgrow.

I do not want a man for his money, and I fully intend to work until retirement, however, coming from a poverty background/single motherhood I am aware radically changing my financial/economical/social position is going to be subject to little change on my own at this point. I am craving a relationship that brings me more, that brings me farther, that brings me a partner who grows along. I regret my past choices and my fear of the men I’ve always wanted but don’t know how to open myself up to, and now I’m here.

Please weigh in, no need to be kind, I am tough!

I [33F] recently reconnected with a guy[32M] I had met a couple of years ago. We started talking again, and honestly, things clicked very naturally. The conversations were easy, we had good chemistry, and I felt like there was genuine potential.

He has his own business — actually, two or three businesses — and seems pretty settled in life. He also plays music on the side, which I find attractive because I’m into music myself. He’s romantic, decent-looking, reasonably fit, emotionally mature, and overall seems like someone who is on a good trajectory in life. I can genuinely imagine him doing very well for himself over the next 10 years.

But there is one issue: he smokes.

Smoking is a non-negotiable for me in a relationship. I don’t want to be with someone who smokes regularly, and I don’t want to build a life with someone where this is going to be a recurring issue.

The strange thing is that very early into whatever this was — dating, getting to know each other, whatever you want to call it — I started pushing this issue quite hard. I kept insisting that smoking was a deal-breaker and, in hindsight, I think I may have pushed too many buttons too quickly. I may also have been reacting from my own anxiety rather than simply observing the situation and deciding whether we were compatible.

He told me that he wanted to talk about it face-to-face, but before that could happen, he eventually texted me saying that he wanted to end things.

His reasoning was basically that he could see that there was something good between us, but the constant anxiety and stress around the relationship was becoming a turn-off for him. He felt that things were becoming too heavy too early.

I understood where he was coming from, and I also said goodbye.

But now I’m conflicted.

Part of me thinks I should simply let him go. Smoking is genuinely important to me, and I shouldn’t compromise on something that I know I don’t want in a partner just because the person otherwise seems like a “good catch.”
But another part of me wonders whether I’m being too rigid.

He says smoking is simply one of his vices. He doesn’t consider himself addicted, and he doesn’t want to promise me that he will quit forever because he doesn’t know if he can honestly make that promise. What he has said is that he can be more balanced about it and be responsible about how much he smokes.

His argument is basically: everyone has something. Nobody is perfect, and this happens to be his vice.
And that’s where I’m stuck.

Because if I look at the whole person, I genuinely like him. I like his personality, his ambition, his lifestyle, his romantic side, his interests, and the direction his life seems to be going in.

But smoking isn’t a minor preference for me. I have always considered it a deal-breaker.

At the same time, I recognise that I probably handled the situation badly. We had barely started getting to know each other, and I was already trying to establish a hard boundary and pushing him about something he clearly wasn’t ready to promise. Maybe I should have simply said, “This is important to me. Let’s see how we feel about each other and whether there’s a way to make this work,” instead of turning it into an immediate conflict.

So I’m trying to separate two things:

Is smoking genuinely a compatibility issue for me that I should respect and walk away from?

Or am I throwing away something potentially good because I’m being too rigid about one imperfection?
And there’s another layer: he has already said that the anxiety/stress around me is turning him off, and he has ended things. So even if I decide that I want to explore this further, I don’t want to chase someone who has already told me he wants to step away.

What would you do in this situation?
Would you let him go because a non-negotiable is a non-negotiable?

Or would you consider giving it another chance, taking the pressure off, and seeing whether the smoking issue can be managed without either person having to change who they are?

I’m genuinely looking for perspectives from people who have been in similar situations.