Before I figured out what narcissism was, and that's really, what drove the wild behavior of our relationship I would've missed her. This whole experience has made me more spiritual. My view of my ex is almost a succubus now.I swear she looked evil so many times and I kind of let it slide the way she would hold and tilt her head. She gave me these crooked little smiles. That was my intuition, warning me. I still feel unclean and I made some type of deal with a demon for pleasure for pain.

Before I knew what was really going on and it was narcissism behind her actions I would've really missed her. I really thought we were in love but now I realize she' empty shell it was all a lie. It was just funny to watch her personality shift through our relationship. I don't think she really actually had any hobbies. Just take other peoples for a short period. By the end when I was really repulse by her presence, I don't know what shifted, but she just disgusted me. But I'm happy. I'm not influenced by her ever again. Every comment you made to me it was a lie.
So I couldn't ignore whatever she said. I don't have to miss her ever and if anything, I'm disgusted. Feels nice to be myself again no guilt just freedom.

There's a sense of calm once it's done you never experienced while you were with them. Mine always made me feel uneasy because I never knew what was coming. They don't like peace or being happy because they're incapable of it feeling it so they want to drain yours. That's all this relationship was just draining me. tell you sleeping now has been never more peaceful.
Just sitting in a room with zero worries is zen. I don't have to worry about what I'm doing. I get to just do.

If you think about it, a narcissist will never stop lying so they will never know the truth therefore, they can't face their own fears. If you wanna be with one you're gonna be in a false reality. And you'll never know what's real cause they'll never stop lying. I just want someone real so, easy choice to leave....

That's exactly why you'll never win an argument with them they deny reality. You'll never be able to defend yourself ever if they can say always you're wrong.
Anyone in a narcissist relationship knows how much time wasted debating those people get you nowhere.

I spent 30 years married to a narcissist. We met when I was just 13 years old and he was 18. My therapist recently told me that she believes he groomed me, even if it was inadvertently, and hearing those words out loud shattered something inside me. Two years ago, I finally found the strength to walk away and get divorced. On paper, my life is so much quieter, safer, and more my own. But the internal reality is a daily war zone.

Even after everything....the decades of emotional erosion, the walking on eggshells, the feeling of utter invisibility....I still miss him.... well the version of him i thought he could be. More than that, I still catch myself wondering: What if we were soulmates? What if the intense, dizzying highs meant our connection was real, and I just gave up too soon?

He still reaches out. He got sober, which I am genuinely glad for....he quit drinking, and the violence and chaos of the active alcoholism are gone. But beneath the sobriety, he is still the same deeply childish, self-absorbed man he has always been. Zero emotional maturity, zero accountability, just a different flavor of the same exhausting dynamic.

And yet, when he tells me he loves me, a part of my brain still lights up like a live wire. It’s pathetic, and I hate admitting it. After 30 years, his voice is hard-wired into my sense of survival and validation.

I know the trauma bond is a beast. And boy have we had a lot of trauma to bond over....I know that missing someone isn't the same as wanting them back in your life. He is only in mine because we have a minor child. I know that a "soulmate" wouldn't leave you feeling like a ghost in your own marriage or tear you down so low that you have no faith in yourself. But knowing all of that intellectually doesn't stop the ache or the questions tonight.

If anyone else has made it out after a lifetime and still battles these phantom longings two years down the road, I could really use a reminder that I'm not losing my mind.

my partner has cut of his brother in a fit of rage. the brother is a covert narc. he needs to be cared for 24/7 at everyone elses expense.

the brother is trying to weasle out of repaying his 3k debt to us. legally we are covered. we already talked to a lawyer. we can go to court and get his pay garnished. the original debt was 6k and we have a bunch of signed documents he owes us money.

this would upset the family balance though. especially the mom would go off on my partner.

he stopped paying because I supposedly stole 2 glasses from his inheritance. I showed proof of purchase for the glasses he says I stole. he now says the proof is made with AI.

the total value if the glasses is 6€.

he tried to use their dead father to shame my partner into giving in. this pissed my partner off so much he told him he was going to pay either way. then he blocked him everywhere and left all shared spaces apart from one family groupchat.

i cut off the loser about a year ago. I want nothing to do with him. now that he isn't in contact with my partner I don't have to hear his stupid laugh from my partners tv, or see his drug addict face either. I am happy with this development. I feel so much better in general.

but my partner isn't doing too great. it's hard for him. and the mom is making it more difficult by constantly pushing to forget the entire thing. she is just really manipulative in general. i do believe she is also a narc but I am consciously keeping my distance.

my partner has daily contact with her. Every phonecall I hear from her she is trying to manipulate my partner either for her own benefit or to the benefit of her golden 30 year old baby.

what can I do to support him in this situation?

basically 3 narcs. constant drama. everyone is lazy as shit, but will criticise everyone else if it is less than perfect.

the covert narc is so protected by the mom that she pays for his cocaine and weed. she also cosigned on a house for him to live alone. she couldn't deal with his constant gaming in her house anymore. but when he lived with us it never was that big an issue according to her.

the mom is the only reason the covert narc hasn't experienced any consequences in his adult life.

he is an agressive loser. he hasn't done anything on his own in his life. someone has always had to hold his hand, prod him in the back to move him along or just do it for him.

he lived with us for 2 years and I see saying yes as one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

he abused us and our cats.

the other one is a wishy washy monologue of boring. give him 2 options and he will need 2 weeks to decide. in those 2 weeks he will call you every day to talk about the deciscion for an hour at least. in the end he won't choose either because he has found a better option on shein. which will not work and he will be too stubborn to return it because his choice was the best choice.

he also thinks he can do way more than he realistically can. he was mad at me for months for saying learning more than 3 languages at once wasn't going to work. he constantly puts himself in the middle of drama and then needs to be comforted for 2-3 hours on the phone.

he also can't send a normal text he will only send voice notes because he doesn't have a grip on the writing part of our native language.

the voice notes are a rambling mess. he'll start at point a go to point g, make a refference to point u and end up saying we did something wrong to him, or we are just wrong.

he is transgender, we have offered to go clothes/makeup shopping. there is a local transgender group that does monthly makeup tutorials. I have offered to go with him to try it out. I stopped offering because he consistently said no over a period of a year. and now he is regularly mad because nobody supports him.

tbh I don't want to support him anymore since he called me and my partner unnatural and disgusting because we are gay. the irony isn't lost on me.

the mom is so lazy that she doesn't even want to play a game as intended but expects us to send her the expensive items so she can sell them. it is part gardening sim and she finds planting crops to sell them boring. planting and selling crops is the only way to get a lot of money at once.

when she isn't being a lazy shit she is triangulating people, stirring up fights between people, lying to everyone, buying peoples affection with stuff and then asking money for the rest of the month. she can make 2 rocks fight while pretending she is a saint.

she visited last summer, it was supposed to be a short visit around 2 in the afternoon. she, her partner and a random person that wasn't invited were 6 hours late. she demanded we buy her kfc. we told her to go get it herself. we don't have kfc for 3 people money. they left with no food from us. they came to us to get a favor from us. she complained about not getting kfc for two weeks.

every time she comes round, she goes around anouncing every item she wants. I refuse to give her the objects. she always goes for the one of a kind or expensive items.

she wants our record player, one of our vases, our glas cabinet, our couch, our bed,... there is a boatload she wants and isn't getting.

then she'll take the credit for out cats being healthy and having a nice coat. she doesn't have any say in anything about our cats.

visiting her is walking into a smokers den. she'll offer everything up but it is never without strings. she has 4 cats, 2 long haired ones and they are either shaven down to the skin or matted to the point you can't pet them without feeling the lumps of hair.

what she does to her partner is nothing short of illegal. he had a one man company. she did the paperwork. she skimmed off it every month. not a fiver here or there, the partner lost thousands. he is now in bankruptcy and she is freaking out that her skimming will come out.

I can't talk to my partner about any of it because he always deflects. they aren't that bad and your family is bla bla bla.

he constantly deflects everything about their behaviour and says that I am nagging. I have never in my life gotten a credible threat to my safety. I got one in my own home and I am supposed to shut up about it and get over it.

is my family ok? fuck no we have issues and some of my family members have serious issues. but no one steals from us when we aren't looking for 2 seconds.

in general I am just so tired.

So sick of that f@cker re-doing things I’ve done. I waited to start dishwasher till after dinner. There was room for at least 3 plates. He only had one and a fork. I told him when he was as done eating to put his dishes in the dishwasher and hit the button. I already put the soap pod in. I heard him rearranging the dishwasher because he’s a freak like that. So a few minutes later I got up, opened the dishwasher threw three glasses and one cereal bowl in the sink. I think two broke 🫣 Then I announced “ there now it’s perfect, carry on.” I then went upstairs , put on my pajamas and got in the bed. The funny thing is, I washed all our bedding today and I only had the sheets up here. I washed sheets first then as an afterthought decided to do mattress cover as well. lol! He came up as I was putting the sheets on and said “ what are you, making the bed?” I said “ yeah, without the mattress cover, Oooo, I suppose you will lose sleep over that too, right?” Go ahead people, live with a freakish, quirky OCD person and see how it is. He re-does everything then complains he has to do everything😣

My husband is the scapegoat of his family, but was not always. Was the golden child for most of his life….only became the scapegoat when we got married, because his nfather and therefore enablermom hated me so much. Now his brother (also a megaN) is the golden child. We started phasing them out about 4 years ago, and then went full NC 2 years ago - we even moved to a different state. The right choice without question. But we found out by accident a couple of weeks ago that my MIL was critically ill (on her deathbed really). It was obvious that the rest of the family had been told to keep this information a secret from my husband. When he called his father to find out what was going on he was told he had hurt his mother so many times she wouldn’t want to see him anyway. B. S. And his brother called him shortly after ranting and raving telling him that he was on a “no entry” list at the hospital so that he would not be allowed to get in to see his mother. She died. The funeral is this week. And his father has made the service “closed and private” and made it clear that my husband is not invited to attend. He wants to go in order to gain some closure - after all, she was his mother. But ndad is up to his usual tricks. There’s no winning an argument with him. I don’t know how to handle this one.

I’ve been dating for 4 months with this woman. We’ve had a great time but after a month we started to get into arguments more and more.

I noticed that she mainly wants to talk about it her. She can go on and on and on about herself with very little room for me to jump in.

I can only really remember 2 times it was me having the floor, talking on both occasions on some heavy vulnerable stuff. I noticed she is very quiet then. Little empathy to be seen.

She constantly feels the need to tell about all the things she can do very well and how smart she is and how she lets no one tell her what to do etc.

And she has a tendency to create drama, discussions and fights.

Whenever I ‘win’ the argument she changes the topic or focusses on something I did wrong according to her. Most of the times she starts about my ‘tone’. She then repeats what I said with a very nasty tone of which I’m sure I did not use. Also whenever I ‘win’ the argument she says that was not what she said, even though I quoted what she literally said. So she lies to my face. She twists my words and changes the subject constantly.

Also one moment she accused me of calling her a bitch. I know damn well that’s not something I would say. I gave her an out to take back those words. She looked me straight in the eyes and kept holding on to the accusation for 4 more times until I got very clear, direct and angry at her. Then she made it into that’s how I made her ‘feel’.

2 days ago we had a fight and I said she had narcissistic tendencies and I left. We haven’t talked since except for a never ending fight over WhatsApp of which I know better and should have steered clear from. Non of the shit I say lands and she is so goddamn evasive. She’ll just turns around the accusations and makes me the bad guy.

I tried to explain to her why I think she has narcissistic tendencies. But she just twists and turns (my words), move the goalposts, get personal, starts playing to victim or moves the subject to what I’ve done wrong. She has zero capabilities for self reflection and in after all those arguments we’ve had, of which some were REALLY clear it was her weird behavior causing it; she has never said sorry.

She constantly feels the need to start shit, create drama and will do EVERYTHING to end out ‘on top’ of the discussion. She will lie and twist words, constantly gets personal, changes the subject and gets personal or starts accusing me of my behavior being the rootcause of it all. She will NEVER apologize. Even that time she tried to make me believe I called her a bitch.

Is this behavior narcissistic?

I’m verbally and physically strong and not easy to intimidate. I’m pretty self confident. It’s not my intention to ‘win’ the argument. I just want peace and happiness. I don’t need this fucking drama.

Still I find myself thinking it’s a shame it blew up. But on the other hand I’m so confident that it was not me at fault here. I’m a kind guy but I won’t be taken for granted and I would be pushed around. Still I now want to reach out again which is ridiculous.

I am trying to figure out if my behaviour was really that bad or if the reaction I got has something to do with fears from the past.

I (35F) have recently met a woman (32) through mutual friends, and we’ve been on a two dates. We get along really well, we have common interests, and we’ve had deep conversations about intimate topics (mental health, social anxiety, traumas, how we were raised, etc.).

For context, I was raised by a narc father, I have a narc brother who’s the golden child, I dated two narc men and have done an immense amount of work to understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse. It’s difficult because I am never truly sure of where the “truth” stands, and it’s making me doubt myself and others from time to time.

The woman I’m seeing was married to a narc (woman) for 8 years and divorced two years ago. We’ve talked a lot about it, and she seems to be doing some work to recover, but she said she’s still healing. She told me she needs to take it really slow because she was hurt badly, and I perfectly understand that.

We met twice in person, each time we talked for more than 10 hours. We talk by text every day, long ones, about a lot of different topics. I have been diagnosed with autism; I think it’s mild, but it could explain why it’s always really difficult for me to know what people expect in social interactions. I function by trial and error and ask for feedback when I can.

Yesterday she basically “broke up with me” by text. She told me I wasn’t asking her enough questions about her day, that something was missing, that I made her feel invisible, that I didn’t text her little daily things that would show I care and am interesting in her.

Of course that pained me a lot, I never want anyone to feel this way because of me. I know I can get carried away talking about my own interests (like plants) because I’m passionate, and I am often afraid of behaving selfishly. So I did ask her sometimes what she was doing, how she was feeling, I answered her questions and asked questions in return. But I didn’t do enough apparently.

For future relationships, how can I make sure the person I’m talking to feels really heard and listened to? I don’t want to make someone feel like that again.

But also - I dont know how to phrase this - what part of her reaction is due to her fears due to her past abuse? It could be that it’s 0% and I really didn’t ask her enough daily questions about herself. But I know that I tend to run away from people at the first sign of discomfort, so she might be doing the same. I don’t even know if there’s a possible way to know. My goal is to avoid gaslighting myself into thinking I’m a selfish and narcissistic person, while also learning how to improve my behaviour to be a better friend and possible partner.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post! Thank you for reading me.

Hello all. I have been trying to find help and answers for this question I have but maybe y’all can help me. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and I just cut contact with her 2 months ago. My ex best friend of 10 years was a narcissist and I cut him off in 2021. I also had a 5 year long situationship with a narcissist when I was in highschool and throughout college until I cut him off 3 years ago. So all of this to say for background I have dealt with a lot of narcissistic abuse in my life. But I’m specifically looking for help for the person I was in a situationship with. I recently had a new co worker come to my work and he reminds me so much of the narc ex I had. He has the same mannerisms, and he just reminds me a lot of him. When I first realized that when I was at work, it was really hard for me to be able to not see it for what it was, but now that I realized how much he reminds me of them it’s really hard for me to not not ruminate about him, but the weird thing is, I don’t even ruminate or have intrusive thoughts about my ex. It’s like it transfers over to my coworker, even though I know logically that they are not the same person just because of how much he reminds me of him every once in a while, I get these really bad flareup Where if I think about it too much of how he reminds me of my ex then I get put in serious stress because I can’t stop ruminating, I can’t stop having intrusive thoughts about him, and I also experience the same feelings that I used to feel towards my ex in the beginning of our relationship. So I’m just trying to see if anybody else has ever experienced anything like this before. Because I am in a very healthy relationship with my fiancé and I also have OCD so when I get into these really bad flareup, it makes me so anxious and it already makes me feel bad and I know that I don’t like my coworker for who he is. I know that it only is like that because of how much he reminds me of my ex And the only reason I think that is because of how I feel when I see him, it feels the exact same and it feels like I’m reliving it all over again it’s the weirdest thing so anyways, I’m just trying to see if anybody has ever experienced anything like this with transparent on somebody who reminds you of your narcissistic abuser.

I was raised by a NM and EF. I feel like other than the unrealistic relationship standards we see on television and social media, I've never been around a 'normal' / healthy / supportive SO.

Sometimes I feel like my current SO is showing he is one and other times, I feel like he love-bombs and is hyper-critical and demeaning to me.

I find it all so confusing, whether it's all in my head and if I'm the problem (like he says). I'm guarded and not great at communication. He says I can be 'cold', yet I'm too sensitive.

I'd love to hear from those who found someone who is loving and supportive of you as a person. What does a relationship like that look-like?

I’ve know my boyfriend for 10 years. We date for 5 years from 2015-2021 so I already knew he was a narcissist. Back then I was much younger and deeply broken in my own ways and so he was able to really really take advantage of me

Fast forward to last year in August we decided to start dating again, questionable idea more than likely. He is much much better now however as of late I have caught him becoming defensive when I am trying to talk to him about something that’s upset me in relation to him he goes through a very specific cycle that goes:

Becomes defensive Doubles down on defensiveness Tries to convince me that I said something I know I didn’t Attempts to twist my words to allows him to continue to be defensive because I’m not taking the bait Gives up on defensiveness and moves to self degradation Defensiveness Self degradation

After about 10 minutes he gives up and interacts with me and has the conversation normally OR

He will ask me what I want him to do in relation to feedback I’ve given him about something that impacts the relationship to fix it.

This happens semi regularly and because I’ve been to behavioral therapy and medicated he’s not able to actively manipulate me and gaslight me the way he used to. I’ve gotten into the habit of pausing the conversation when this happens to show him that I won’t play into it. This frustrates him and when I attempt to go through the cycle again. Eventually I redirect in that manner enough that it subsides.

As of late he has also been doing things that make me the boss of him more or less or putting me in situations a where I have to make decisions for him or like remind him to do things I know he knows to do in a way that seems willingly ignorant. Mostly recently he failed to complete two tasks we talked about the day before and said he didn’t have time when he got home cause we’re going to the gym and that he couldn’t do at work

These things were made known about a week ago and he chooses to skip his lunch to come home early. I told him that it is not my job to organize him. He also spends all of his money on me to the extent that he doesn’t have money to do the things he knows are important for the success of our relationship and will then use the excuse of “Well I’m broke because of Christmas/your birthday/Valentine’s Day” to which I have told him over and over again that he should be prioritizing therapy over everything.

All of that being said, is this narcissistic behavior? Is it not as bad as it used to be or am I just older and more rooted in myself? What is your personal analysis of his behavior as described? What factors should I use to decide if I should ever leave? Is there a more effective way to deal with the cyclic behavior?

I am cycling through events and trying to make sense of why, which is not a road to travel, I know. But I'm close to my exit and the retaliation is going to be brutal, I'm expecting a war effort to destroy my finances and mutual relationships.

But...some things just aren't making sense. My husband is just not that smart to pull it all off; he's an addict (pills, alcohol), has ADHD, has the emotional intelligence of a teenager.

So how did he pull this elaborate strategy to destroy my self esteem, alienate my kids from me by siding with them on their complaints, and in the end, looking like the 'good guy' to outsiders? The only part of that that I've actually seen him do is the 'looking good' to others, he jumps way too high in certain situations where others are watching.

His Mom, who is a black and white covert Narc, no question, possibly a sociopath, has tried to get him to 'discard me' throughout our relationship. Looking back at timelines, it adds up that his narc behavior started when she re-entered his life after a two year no contact.

Has anyone else had this experience, where another narc orchestrates & influences the behavior of someone they have control over?

Ive said something small in a conversation to my partner who ive been with 13years, about something ive seen change, i did not expect this to turn to an argument i was just saying. he got on a defence said awful things to hurt me and then when i replied he video me and made me feel digraded and walked into another room, then he cut me of went to bed and left me to sleep on the sofa, ive been really ill this week with high blood pressure and suffer chronic pain and full of flu I was resting the following morning as doctor ordered and started shouting at me we need to talk, I said to calm down I'm not well uve just woke me up my daughter said to let me rest as was unwell, i get up and ask why hes acted this way thinking he wanted to talk to then saying he doesnt want to then to were he has completely blanked me for days saying he doesn't want anything from me or want me but then continues some work we was doing on the house and won't leave i have 2 children with him, I'm feeling emotional poorly and confused and had made out and punished me like ive done something big. I'm feeling uncomfortable he's done this in the past and blamed me then...I've text him stating to leave and let me and the girls get on as isn't fair 😔 but he's walking around like nothing and ordered his self a takeaway eating it watching a film on his own, well I'm suffering and I don't know why...