i like reading about animals, learning about them, gazing at them, spending so much screen time just getting to know them, yet i have so many conflicting feelings towards them.
i never wanna raise a pet, first of all, ever since i was a kid i've been super scared of getting near animals and i never grew out of it. 9 months ago my siblings brought a cat into our home, i never wanna be near her and i get super nervous whenever she comes near me, especially if she starts running towards me, like i transform into a scared little kid again (i'm 20F), my dad once brought a bird and a duck so i could touch them to help me let go of fear but i never dared to do it, my heart just started beating soooo fast, like genuinely i have no idea how to get rid of my fear.
that's one thing, another thing is that i'm toooo scared of animals getting hurt, i always feel so anxious when i see my siblings playing with her, it feels like they might hurt her at any moment (they're not & they never would) but this is how i feel, even when they start running in front of her so she runs after them i feel like this is wrong and it might hurt her, now our cat is old enough to go into heat and i feel so bad hearing her making those mating sounds without being able to go outside and choose whatever mate she wants, so my siblings took her to the vet to get her spayed, i'm deeply saddened by it, how can human beings take such a thing away from other creatures, but they told me that if we didn't get her spayed she could develop certain types of cancer, and mating is painful for her which is something i've seen with my own eyes, but this just feels so inhumane, i understand why you pet owners tend to make such a choice but it's so hard for me. i'd never make such a decision. seeing our cat struggling after the procedure makes my eyes tear up, she doesn't deserve to struggle, why do we make such decisions on their behalf why can't we just let them live in nature as they are :(
P.S. i'm not hating on any pet owners or any decisions you guys make 💕 i just struggle so much with the way we treat animals, something about it just doesn't sit right with me.