Hey buddy,
It’s me here.
It might have been a long...... time. College wasn’t kind to both of us. We went through a lot..... especially you.
It’s been a long time since we last talked... a longer time since we last met. I don’t know if you ever think of me when you think of those years... but I want you to know, I do miss you.
I miss spending time with you... miss your stupid, harmless jokes (especially the questionable ones, hehe)... I just miss you.
You deserved to hear this much earlier, but my poor mind only understands things when they’re already gone. Maybe it’s too late... but I still wanted to tell you this.
You were never wrong for caring as much as you did.
You were never wrong for expecting consistency, or for wanting to be treated with the same softness you gave me.
What went wrong was how I handled your heart. Not because I wanted to hurt you....but because I didn’t know what to do with someone who saw me that clearly.
When we first became close, I was drawn to you because you made me feel safe. You understood the little things I never had to explain. I liked the calm in your voice, the way you noticed what I didn’t say.
I think I mistook that sense of safety for friendship... when it was something deeper ..... something I wasn’t ready to understand.
I know I hurt you. Not with big fights... but with little things that added up. The silences. The mixed signals. The way I talked to others who didn’t deserve my attention. The distance that made you doubt yourself. A thousand small ways that make me feel like a terrible person when I think back.
You were there beside me every time. I can’t recall a single phase of those years where you weren’t my safe space. You trying to make me feel included. Your quiet smile. The inside jokes. The way you just wanted one small moment together .... a photo, a walk, a memory....and I kept pushing it away like I was risking something by being close to you.
I pretended not to notice. You were so close, yet I kept a wall of politeness between us. I thought I was being careful... I was really just being cold.
I called you a brother. I said it because I was scared. Scared of rumours, of what people might think, of admitting that you meant more to me than I could explain. Those words were meant to protect me... but they broke you.
I sent you hugs through the phone 🫂... but never gave you one in real life. I could type affection, but I couldn’t live it. You deserved eye contact, not an emoji. You deserved a real gesture, not a message that disappeared in seconds.
I remember laughing too freely with people who hadn’t earned it. Giving attention to the wrong ones. Hearing you go quiet. Watching you stand there, and saying nothing.
You never argued. You never threw it back at me. You just kept showing up.... with that calm voice and tired eyes.....still hoping I’d understand that there’s a difference between attention and care.
You offered depth. I answered with fragments.
You once said a hug would heal a lot... maybe it would have. But healing needs honesty, and I kept choosing safety.
You needed consistency. I kept offering confusion wrapped in kindness.
I can’t undo any of it. It’s too late now, right? But I can tell you this, even if it’s years late...
You were never too much. You were just real.
Real in a world where I was pretending to be brave.
Real enough to love me when maybe I didn’t even like myself.
Thank you for standing near me when it hurt to stand at all.
Thank you for being the person who looked out for me in a crowd, even when I acted like I didn’t see you.
I’m sorry. For every walk I didn’t take with you.For every seat I chose far away. Every time I made you feel replaceable when you never were.
I hope wherever you are, when you think of me now, it doesn’t ache. I hope it just reminds you how big your heart truly is.
And yeah... I did love you. I just never said it.
Author's Note :
Sometimes, we have to imagine the apology... just to let the story rest.
This is me slowing down, taking one last deep breath... and letting go.
To Her :
Hey, if you're reading this I love you, God Bless.