Assalamu alaikum, everyone.

I talked to a girl for about a month with the intention of marriage, and I made my intentions clear from the beginning. During those weeks, most of our conversations were about getting to know each other, but honestly, I was doing about 90% of the talking, especially over text.

After a couple of weeks, I sent her flowers as a gesture to show that I liked her so far. She then told her family, and since we have a mutual relative, that relative informed my mother that they were expecting an official visit from my family. Things became serious pretty quickly.

I liked her a lot, even though she was very reserved. At the time, I thought she was simply shy and that she would open up as we got to know each other better. She was so reserved that I felt the only way to truly get to know her on a deeper level was to move forward with the engagement. Looking back, I realize that might not have been the best decision, but at the time, I genuinely believed things would improve as our relationship developed.

I traveled overseas to my home country so we could meet in person, and everything seemed to go well. We got engaged, and I was genuinely happy about it.

However, about a month into the engagement, I started having doubts. She is honestly one of the nicest people I know, and I respect her a lot. She has many good qualities, but I feel like something important is missing between us: passion and emotional connection.

I’m someone who values passion in a person. Passion for love, for people, for life, and for building a meaningful relationship. I want a spouse who expresses affection, shows excitement about being with me, and makes me feel that the connection goes both ways.

She is still very reserved, even after the engagement. When I express my feelings, she sometimes brushes them off or simply responds with “me too.” I’m not saying this to blame her. People express love differently, and she might genuinely care about me in her own way. But I struggle to feel that affection from her.

After about two months, I started feeling increasingly distant from her. We talk for about an hour every day, but most of our conversations revolve around how our days went and other ordinary things. I don’t feel like we’re developing a deeper emotional connection. Eventually, I stopped expressing how much I liked her because I wasn’t feeling that connection being reciprocated.

Now, some of the concerns I had during the talking stage, which I overlooked at the time, are starting to come back. I think I was caught up in the excitement and emotions of the moment. I liked her so much that I might have ignored some important things I was looking for in a spouse.

I genuinely wanted this to work. I never went into this with the intention of playing with someone’s feelings. I traveled across the world to meet her, involved our families, and got engaged because I believed there was potential for a good marriage.

But now I’m stuck between two difficult choices.

In my culture, breaking an engagement is a big deal. It can hurt the girl, both families, and me. I’m especially worried about how much I could hurt her because I know she’s a good person and I have no reason to disrespect her or make her feel like she’s not good enough.

At the same time, I don’t want to proceed with marriage while feeling this way. I’m afraid that if I already feel disconnected during the engagement, things could become even worse after marriage. I don’t want to marry someone hoping that I can change her personality or that she’ll eventually become the kind of partner I need.

Part of me wonders whether this is simply a difficult stage of a relationship and whether I should stop focusing so much on my emotions and honor the commitment I’ve made. After all, marriage isn’t going to feel exciting every single day.

But another part of me feels that emotional connection, affection, and compatibility are important things to consider before marriage, and that I shouldn’t ignore my concerns just because ending the engagement would be painful.

I’m not looking for someone to blame. She deserves someone who appreciates her for who she is, and I deserve to be honest with myself about what I need in a marriage. I just don’t know whether I’m having normal doubts and letting my emotions get the best of me, or whether I’m recognizing a genuine incompatibility that I should take seriously.

For those of you who have been through something similar, especially those who come from cultures where breaking an engagement carries significant social and family consequences:

What would you advise me to do? Have you ever experienced this kind of doubt during an engagement? Did things improve after marriage, or did the issues become more apparent?

I tell in love with a non-Muslim who was my best friend for the past 2 years. He is devoutly Christian and I would never ask him to convert. I feel like I can't get over him at all. I've talked to one guy who was a great man since. This was someone that was Muslim and I know would make a great husband. I just couldn't move on from this non-Muslim man. I feel like if I ever married someone else I would be thinking of him the whole time, and I'm already in my late 20s. Feel like I'm running out of time but I can't get into another relationship while not over this man.
I keep thinking of what life could be like together, he's a man of great character and if he were Muslim and asked to marry me, I would not hesitate at all. I don't know what to do.

Assalamu alaikum. For Muslims who are serious about marriage, how do you prefer to get to know a potential spouse while maintaining Islamic boundaries and privacy? I'd love to hear what has worked for others, especially when it comes to assessing compatibility, sincerity and emotional maturity.

In this generation where it’s hard to find good guys who are ready to marry? What would you advise is the best way if you had a sister who was single? And if you did see a good brother. Would you approach ??

She’s 25 and from the uk

​

Long post ahead,but what happened with me is I believe happens rarely,1 year ago I got a really good match,literally everything we were looking for and for them everything they were looking for,we all were happy and excited especially my parents,my ex husband's father was so sweet and he told that they don't want anything from us,literally nothing we just want your daughter as ours, my father who I thought waz really intelligent(he is but not in this matter) He was happy,On the other hand I was so insecure of myself ,I was dealing with massive hairloss,weightgain,lot of acne....Idk what happened I am perfectly healthy ,all tests came normal,doctor said I am fine

I was so insecure at the point that I stopped meeting people

All my life I was the beautiful one,everywhere I went I used to get marriage proposals,everyone said I am very pretty,I had guys approaching me(I used to be cautious about this,also I am strict about hijab and rarely talked to na mahrams)

But when it was my marriageable age that's when everything got wrong,I got huge cystic acne on my face which used to horrify me,I used to cry some nights,It wasn't regular acne but what dermatologist state as GRADE 4 ACNE

it effected me so much that I decided not to get married until it's gone and It was almost 5 years and the acne never went away...I tried a lot of things

Amidst of this(also family issues,like my father was dealing with a big financial loss) I got a proposal everything looked good,they were also cooperating and everything went so smoothly,The inquiries,family talks,they presented every proofs,talked very sweetly and said we don't want anything from you.Biggest mistake I did was I never talked to him before marriage, my parents married the same way and Alhamdulillah they are very happy couple,so yeah I was being silly doing the same.

A month later marriage happened but I was staying at my home after marriage (he went back to Usa where he was earlier, this wasn't an issue as he had a PR so I could easily go to him in few weeks)and I was really happy ,before he went back to Usa we talked for 2 days I told him lets go somewhere out like a garden or just long drive maybe...but be ignored me saying he doesn't have time and wants to move back usa asap then we'll go somewhere in usa after you come here

I was a little upset but I thought maybe he has to pack a lot so I said it's ok,atleast come to house before going back to US,He did came but he wasn't talking that much I was the one talking and talking and I asked let's take a selfie he was hesitant like yeah and was taking selfie from afar and I told him to come near me,It was a weird selfie but okay

Overall after this meeting I felt so drained,he wasn't even looking at me,It felt like I was the man.

And I literally felt like he is a 5 year old boy that I am talking to.I did feel something in my gut but I ignored.

He did showed me when He reached the US,sent me.a video of his locality there,I was happy

We started having calls regularly and in starting it was good we were sharing everything about us,I generally enjoy talking to people,so it was like a friendship developing.Few days later after we knew about each other a lot more but not everything so now things were taking turn he used to say same things everytime,sent me islamic vides everyday and asked if I watched 👀

And it felt like I married a mufti,but it's okay it wasn't a bad thing but most of the videos were on responsibility of a wife om husband,a husband should ne treated really well,how a women didn't left after her husband was terminally ill,etc

He used to talk about sad things many times,I felt like a person who is following the right islam is supposed to be really boring?but I am also a practicing muslim Alhamdulillah but I do enjoy life in halal ways.He was someone who doesn't really joke or he said he is hesitant to talk but he sent me a video that a man can marry again,it's his right,and 1st wife can also find him a good girl but most women of this era doesn't have such big heart,I asked him what's this? And he replied does it really happen what this video says?I said Idk it's what many men wish for,and he said he was joking.i ignored this but it was bothering me

I was happy when this marriage was fixed and I even asked my mom on my wedding day when my acne was visible that "They don't have a problem that I have so much acne,they are good people aren't they?"my mom replied yes but you still have pretty features why they would say no

But after marriage he never said anything or did anything that made me feel even a little prettier, he used to say things like real pretty girls are in russia.(I was confused why he would say this as once his cousin told me that he wasn't finding any girl pretty in marriage search but after seeing just your photo he said yes)They were the one who convinced my parents to do wedding so quickly (but I take the blame too for agreeing)

So later things were going worst and I was the 1st to recognize it,he started telling me to do niqab,wear gloves,I used to ask him for videos calls he used to ignore me(I also believe I he was also super insecure about his flaws,he always said things like I was really fair but got sun tan,all the guys here aren't good looking,I am tallest in my office,5'8,etc)I was getting anxious everyday

I told him I don't feel anything for him and don't wanna ruin our lifes further,he agreed,tried to convince me first that I have never done wrong to you,I am healthy physically and mentally, what's wrong,etc...I said we rushed and I don't feel physically attracted to him and I don't want to do i justice to you in future but not giving the rights of a husband to you....I said if he wants to move forward we can let's try (I was considering not taking divorce only because he is a good man in other ways,he never said bad words to me,didn't cheated,was talking about future plans like moving somewhere,didn't really do anything that would lead to divorce normally)but It was me who chosed him as my husband when I was so insecure ans lowest at my life that someone accepting me was amazing and later my heart,even my body gave up(I was having panic attacks after I did isthekhara and decided to stay with him) He too said he doesn't want to be with someone who isn't attracted to him

It lead to divorce,I feel so sorry for myself and him.

​

Assalamu alaikum everyone.

This might sound like a weird thing to worry about, especially since I'm not even married yet, but it's something I've been thinking about.

When I eventually get married, I genuinely feel like I'm going to be extremely affectionate towards my wife. I want to make her feel loved, appreciated, beautiful, and valued. I imagine wanting to spend time with her, complimenting her, giving her attention, and just making her feel special in the little things.

But at the same time, I have this fear that I'll end up doing too much. Like, what if I'm constantly showing affection, giving her attention, and making it obvious how much I love her to the point where she starts taking it for granted or loses interest?

I know every person is different, and I'm probably overthinking something that hasn't even happened yet. But I've seen people talk about how being too available or too affectionate can kill attraction, and it makes me wonder whether there's some truth to it.

For those of you who are married, especially the brothers and sisters who've been married for a while, how does this actually work in marriage?

Can you be extremely affectionate with your wife without making the relationship feel one-sided or losing that spark? Or is this just me overthinking something that shouldn't be a problem in a healthy marriage?

Jazakum Allahu khairan for any advice.

Assalamu Alaikum. I genuinely need some advice, and I would appreciate it if the comments could be respectful. I know this post is long, but please take a moment to read it and help me with some genuine advice.

I’m in love with a guy, and we both want to get married. We’ve been trying our best to maintain halal boundaries, although I understand that being in a relationship before marriage is not permissible in Islam.
My family and his family know each other. The problem is that my family strongly prefers a Salafi/Ahl-e-Hadith spouse for me, whereas his family follows the Jamaat-e-Islami school of thought, as far as my parents understand. His family sometimes says they follow Ahl-e-Hadith, but my parents feel that their actual practices are different.
My family is quite strict about these matters. They’ve always been against relationships, and I’ve spent most of my life trying to maintain my distance from non-mahram men. I honestly don’t even know how or when I started developing feelings for him. I liked him from a distance, and one day, we started talking very randomly and realised that the feelings were mutual.
Now, we’re serious about getting married. His family knows about us, is happy about our relationship, and wants the proposal to happen. The problem is my family. I’m terrified that they’ll reject him simply because of his family’s religious affiliation, even if everything else about the proposal is acceptable to them.
Another thing I’m scared of is that my parents might reject or ignore his proposal because they believe they can find me someone better who follows the Salafi/Ahl-e-Hadith school of thought. They might feel that I should wait for a more suitable proposal rather than consider him. I’m afraid that even if his family approaches mine formally my parents might refuse and insist on finding someone who meets their religious preferences.
The difficult part is that I have absolutely no way of telling my parents about our relationship. Considering how strictly they feel about relationships, I cannot imagine how they would react if they found out. My brother has some idea about us, but he isn’t someone I can turn to for help. I don’t think he would support me marrying this guy or try to understand my situation. So, I feel like I’m dealing with this completely alone, without anyone in my family who could help me approach my parents or convince them to consider the proposal. I also cannot go against or fight with my parents because of a few personal circumstances that I cannot disclose here.
I genuinely love this guy and want to marry him, but I don’t know how to make this happen without creating a huge conflict in my family. I’m scared that my parents will reject the proposal because of his family’s school of thought, and I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens. His family is willing, but I feel helpless because I have no idea how to get my own family to agree.
I understand that feelings alone aren’t enough to make a marriage work, and I want to approach this in a way that is Islamically sound. I also understand that I should have handled things differently from the beginning. But I can’t change how I developed feelings for him, and I genuinely want to find a halal way forward.

Please don’t turn this into a debate about which group is better or leave rude comments calling me names. I know this may seem like a caste like issue to some people, but I’m genuinely worried about my future. I would really appreciate sincere advice, especially from people who may have dealt with a similar situation or understand Islamic marriage matters.

JazakAllah Khair.

Salam Alaikum everyone,

I'm a 32M Arab brother living in the Middle East, practicing and working Alhamdulillah. I'm preparing myself for marriage in the coming months inshaAllah and trying to learn from those who went before me.

For married brothers/sisters:

1. What is one thing you wish you knew before nikah that no one told you?

2. What was the biggest challenge in the first year and how did you overcome it?

3. How did you balance deen, work, and family time?

I read many posts about gaming/time management and family issues here and it really opened my eyes. I want to enter marriage with the right mindset.

Jazakum Allahu khairan for any sincere advice. May Allah bless all our marriages.P.S. If any sister is also preparing for nikah and prefers a respectful conversation with wali involvement, feel free to DM with general intro (age, country, practicing level). JazakAllah.

My parent choosed my maternal cousin as my wife. I live born and grown in town. She grown up in village. Her mindset and mine are not same.

Also our thinking process is not same, It can be a reason that she is 18 or her thinking process is developing.

In Bangladesh village early marriage is a normal thing.

Also I don't have any problem to get married now. Besides my mom is sick, she likes her very much also my cousin take care of her.

I want to know from experienced couple, how can I adjust with this arranged marriage? How I can create affection between us? Is sex is enough to make a relationship stable? How other arrange marriage couple make adjustments?

With my (admittedly limited amount of) experience talking with women, one of the hardest things for me to understand and decipher is the level of interest they have in me when getting to know me. I say this because deep down I know that there’s a lot of women who will prolong and continue marriage related talking stages even if their heart fully isn’t into it. (Btw I’m not trying to critique women here, there’s men who do the same unfortunately)

I would love to live in a world where people were fully honest and blunt about their feelings, but that isn’t always the case.

So I wanted to create this post to gain advice so that I can eventually become an expert in filtering out low interest women so hopefully I can end up with a women who deep down desires me as much as I desire her

Women, be honest: what are things that you do when the guy you’re chatting with isn’t really capturing your interest? Perhaps he gave you the ick, perhaps he’s not good looking, etc. What are the differences in how you behave with these men compared to how you behave with men that you truly desire

Obviously as Muslims there are guidelines that will prevent us from showing interest pre marriage in every way possible, but I do believe there are ways to show interest in a manner that is halal as well

I’d also appreciate advice from men as well. Thanks!

I'm curious about how non-South Asian Muslim women feel about marrying a Muslim man of Indian or Pakistani origin.

Would his upbringing or current country of residence influence your decision? For example, would you be more open to marrying someone who grew up or currently lives in the UK, US, Canada, or elsewhere outside South Asia?

Or would his cultural background, family dynamics, values, and compatibility matter more than where he was raised or lives?

I'd love to hear your thoughts and the reasons behind your preferences.

Poll options:

1. No, I wouldn't consider it at all.

2. Yes, regardless of where he lives or was raised.

3. Yes, if he was raised outside South Asia.

4. Yes, if he currently lives outside South Asia.

5. It depends on the circumstances (I'll explain in the comments).

Assalamu Alikum

This might be a bit long but please suggest me what to do

I'm writing this with very heavy weight in my chest

I m 18 year old M. and I'm here looking for your experience or someone of you might have experienced this situation and I don't know how to get out of it

I'm the only son of my family and I have 3 sisters and I m the the eldest one

Currently I'm studying in university doing Bs. Entomology

The situation is that my family expects me to take Burden of marriages of my all sister's and it's all on me I have to do that I m ready for that unwillingly.....

But I m afraid that how m I gonna manage all of those expenses even a simple marriage in this time cost as much as 30 lack and if we include jaheez also it can go beyond that and I m so afraid that how I'm going to do all of those expenses

Orr ab mujy Apni hi family sy koi attraction ni Hoti mujy Wohi bury lgna shuru ho Gy hn JB be mery samny aty hn mujy lgta ha meri kyA Galti ha k ya sbb me kron but meny kbhi bi Kisi sy Kuch bi NI kha or ya chez mujy indr sy khaii ja rhi ha K meri duty ya kesy ho gi ha

I have my own life to live...... what about it

Is my only duty is to earn money as much as possible just to make other people life and what for me

All those things are so hurting me so much in my mind that I have lost my mind the moment I think about it and feels like my life is over before it is getting started and some time this became so extreme that once I litterly pour 20 plus pills in my hand to end my life but I stopped just because it's haram

What if I didn't succeeded or earn much to support them then what gonna happen I can't live with that

And I'm suffering so much... kindly if you have any suggestions how to find mental peace please tell me how to end this suffering

Assalamu Alaikum,

I’ve recently started thinking more seriously about haq mehr and nikah conditions after speaking to a few potentials, and I’m honestly a little confused about what is reasonable to ask for.

My main requirements are:

Haq Mehr: £500–£1,000, with any additional gifts from his family given willingly out of love + perform umrah together within the first year of marriage.

Separate Accommodation: Our own private home or living arrangements from the beginning of the marriage, rather than living with in-laws.

Monogamy: My husband not taking a second wife during our marriage.

Financial Provision: My husband to have a provider mindset being the primary breadwinner and responsible for expenses.

Are these reasonable conditions? And a reasonable amount of haq mehr? Are there any other vital conditions relating specifically to haq mehr or the nikah contract that you would recommend including?

Of course, I have other requirements regarding deen, compatibility, character and dealbreakers, but I’m mainly asking about haq mehr and contractual conditions.

I know some people prefer a higher mahr for financial security in case of separation, and I completely understand that. Personally, I want to enter marriage with hope and trust in Allah SWT and the person I choose to marry, believing we’re both committed to building a lifelong partnership. I believe marriage can bring rizq and barakah, and whilst I understand the importance of protecting my rights, I want to feel secure in my husband’s character, intentions and commitment.

I want to enter marriage with trust in Allah SWT and the person I marry, knowing we’ve discussed our expectations and share the same values. I want us to be husband and wife, but also best friends who support each other, grow together and help one another become better Muslims.

I know nobody can predict the future, but I want to approach marriage with hope rather than fear and, inshaAllah, look back one day feeling that marrying him was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

GIRLS:
For the girls, what kind of conditions or expectations would you want to have in place before marriage? What would be most important to you?

GUYS:
For the guys, what would you consider reasonable and fair from your perspective? Are there any expectations here that you might disagree with, and if so, why?

Asalamualaikum

My wife and I are both in our early 20s and got married a few months ago. We’re both students and currently live separately because of university.

Our marriage was arranged through our families, although we both had the opportunity to agree or decline.

Initially, I thought everything was going well. We spent time together, were affectionate and seemed happy. However, when university restarted, she became increasingly distant and stopped initiating conversations as much.

After several difficult conversations, she finally opened up about what had actually happened.

She explained that she’d been uncertain about getting married from the beginning. She’s always struggled with saying no and disappointing people, and because both families were happy and arrangements were progressing, she felt increasingly unable to back out.

In the weeks leading up to the wedding, she became very anxious and didn’t want to go ahead. However, she felt it was too late to cancel and went through with it.

She doesn’t blame me personally and acknowledges that nobody intentionally forced her, but she regrets not saying no.

After getting married, she tried to convince herself she was happy. She was affectionate and acted normally because she genuinely wanted things to work. However, she now admits that she was often suppressing her actual feelings.

Over the last several weeks, she’s been experiencing persistent sadness, anxiety, emotional exhaustion and a loss of enjoyment in things. She feels particularly bad when she’s alone because she starts thinking about the marriage. When she’s busy, she can temporarily distract herself.

We’ve now had two very long and honest conversations about everything.

She says I’m a good person, that I haven’t done anything wrong, and that she probably would’ve felt similarly if she’d married somebody else under the same circumstances.

However, she’s also told me some difficult things. She doesn’t genuinely enjoy much of our time together at the moment, and when we’re together, she often suppresses thoughts about wanting to separate. Some of her affection has been motivated by guilt or wanting to make me happy rather than genuinely wanting to be affectionate.

She also doesn’t particularly feel the desire to spend more time with me and can’t identify anything specific about our relationship that could change to make her happier. When she imagines separation, she feels relieved because she thinks the distressing thoughts would finally stop.

We’ve explored whether she’s worried about marital expectations, religion, responsibilities or losing independence, but she says none of those things are the main issue.

She seems unhappy with the marriage itself, although she can’t fully explain why. She’s now leaning strongly towards separation, but she hasn’t made a final decision.

She says she wishes she could be happy in the marriage, but struggles to imagine her feelings changing. A lot of her motivation to keep trying seems to come from not wanting to hurt me or disappoint our families.

She has expressed willingness to try counselling, and I’ve made it clear that she’s free to make whatever decision she genuinely wants.

I love her deeply and would like to give our marriage a chance, but I also don’t want her to feel trapped or pressured into staying. I’m also concerned about her mental health because she’s been persistently low and emotionally exhausted.

I guess I’m wondering whether anyone has experienced something similar, where one partner regretted getting married but their feelings eventually changed.

Like a few questions I thought i’d ask:

Is counselling worth trying in this situation, or would it just prolong something she already knows she doesn’t want?

How do I distinguish between someone struggling emotionally because of how the marriage began and someone who genuinely doesn’t want the relationship?

And at what point do I accept that separation may be the best outcome, even though neither of us has done anything particularly wrong?

I’d especially appreciate advice from people who’ve experienced something similar, whether their marriage worked out or not.

JazakallahKhairan to everyone (AI was used to help write it however al experiences are my own)

Sibling is undiagnosed with textbook antisocial personality disorder / Narcissism 

The usual no obedience to law, rude, malicious, changes personality for gain. I would go into more but it’ll be too specific. They are the black sheep / outcast of the family and doesn’t get along with no one including parents, siblings and extended relatives. I don’t get along with this sibling at all. Very verbally abusive and displeasure to be around. 

Have no qualms with introducing potential to my parents, uncles and other siblings and have done before but i worry about if things ever progress and potential families come across them and might view me in the same light by association. I want to keep interaction with them very minimal in future events for this reason.

I fear good potentials might pass up once they find out the sibling dynamic. I don’t think childhood and upbringing plays a part because all my other siblings are fine and have the same concerns too.

Any advice for anyone who have been in similar situations? 

I trust Allah with my rizq and if what is meant for me will be. It’s just the unavoidable judgement in the future even when you might become married

I really like her a lot, and I genuinely see her as wife material. The problem is that I lied to her about my age. I told her I was 29, and she became attached to me. Later, I came clean and told her that I’m actually 25.
She was upset and angry that I had deceived her, but I tried to explain that it wasn’t a big deal because the age difference was merely nothing. She stopped talking to me for three weeks. I recently reached out to her, and she told me that she still loves me and doesn’t really care about my age. What bothers her is the fact that I lied to her.
Now I’m wondering what I should do. If I marry her, will she hold this against me in the future? Is it possible for her to genuinely move past this, or will she always have doubts about my honesty? She says she still wants me, but I’m worried that she might eventually resent me because she knows I lied to her.
Did I mess things up beyond repair? Should I give this relationship a chance and work on rebuilding her trust, or would it be better to move on and find someone else who is younger.

Is it normal to feel this lost when searching for a spouse through these apps?

I'm a woman, and I often struggle to find someone whose bio and appearance both appeal to me because I don't even know if I am attracted to them or not, and whom I feel comfortable getting to know, while also feeling that the interest is mutual.

When I first started using the apps, I didn't pay much attention to appearance. I would read someone's bio, and if it seemed like we might be compatible, I would start a conversation to discuss the most important matters and ask questions. I come from a very religious family, and I was never really taught much about interacting with the opposite gender or about marriage in general, my relationship with my brothers and father was not the best as they see us below them, and I never spoke to men unless I had something to ask like directions, etc.

so I've been trying to navigate this process as best I can.

Over time, though, I noticed that people would often become less engaged in the conversation, unmatch, or block me. Eventually, I realised that many of them seemed to expect more casual conversations about how our day was going, what we were doing, and exchanging pictures. I'm not comfortable with that kind of interaction, especially when I'm still getting to know someone and haven't established whether we're compatible.

Unfortunately, I don't feel that I have many alternatives. I had to leave my country because of the conflict, and I don't know anyone here who could help me find a suitable spouse. At the same time, people in the Gulf generally seem to prefer marrying within their own communities, which makes the search feel even more difficult.

Despite all of this, I'm genuinely grateful to Allah for keeping me safe and giving me the knowledge to recognise what I should avoid.

I realise I've gone off on a tangent, so here's what I actually wanted to ask:

How do you distinguish between finding someone objectively good-looking and actually finding them attractive? I struggle to understand what I'm supposed to be looking for in terms of physical attraction, especially when I'm trying to consider it alongside compatibility and religious commitment.

And secondly, is my approach to getting to know someone wrong? I prefer to keep conversations purposeful by asking and answering questions about important matters, rather than trying to build an emotional connection with someone I barely know. I want to establish whether we're compatible first, and then allow a relationship to develop if we both decide to move forward.

I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences and advice, especially from sisters who have approached the process in a similar way.

I have been seeing my potential wife for the last 6 months now, we are dating by going to the movies and eating at restaurants and trying fun activities. How long of a time frame do you think is appropriate before marrying someone? Her and I have some distance so in the last 6 months we have probably seen each other a total of 35 different times. The issue is that we obviously cannot live together, so it is impossible to know what she is like on a day-to-day basis when we are not in a happy mood and going out to just date.

How do you deal with the struggles of coming from a cultural Muslim family and trying to find your partner?

The other question is based on money, do your wives work? Would you want your wife to work? Are you able to provide a happy life with just a single income?

I’m a 32-year-old Muslim man. I have a stable job, take care of my health and fitness, and I’m genuinely looking to get married.

For years, I’ve stayed away from zina. I know that ultimately, this should be for the sake of Allah SWT, and I’m not saying I deserve a medal for doing what is expected of me. But I’ve also always wanted to preserve myself for my future wife. I wanted to meet someone with whom I could build something meaningful, someone who would appreciate my character, my commitment to deen, and the fact that I took marriage seriously.

But the more I experience the marriage process, the more frustrated and discouraged I become.

1. When did marriage become so transactional?
When I get to know a woman, I want to know who she is. Her personality, her values, her sense of humor, her character, and whether we genuinely connect. I want to find someone I can laugh with, grow with, and build a life with.

But eventually, the financial expectations enter the conversation.

Income, career, lifestyle, mahr, housing, and the ability to provide a certain standard of living. Of course, financial responsibility matters. I’m not suggesting a man should be irresponsible or expect a woman to carry him financially.
But where is the line between wanting a responsible husband and treating marriage like a financial transaction?

I recently saw a post from a female revert complaining that she couldn’t find a husband willing to pay her the mahr she wanted while her friends had received three times as much.

Seriously? Is this what marriage has become? Comparing mahr amounts with your friends and feeling shortchanged because someone else received more?

Mahr is an Islamic right, but when does it stop being about a meaningful agreement between two people and become a competition over who can extract the most from a prospective husband?

Sometimes it genuinely makes me wonder whether a man is being evaluated as a potential life partner or as a financial package.

2. Men are expected to bring everything to the table. What about the other side?
A man is expected to provide financially, have a stable career, be emotionally mature, communicate properly, be funny, be romantic, be confident, maintain his appearance, and keep his wife happy.

And apparently, he must continue doing all of this indefinitely, because if the relationship becomes boring or he stops meeting expectations, she might eventually lose interest.

But if financial status is such a major factor in choosing a husband, why are men also expected to meet every emotional and romantic expectation imaginable?
Are we looking for a husband or a one-man service package?

I want to be clear: I believe men should take responsibility for their families. I understand that women want security. But responsibility and unrealistic expectations are not the same thing.

A man is a human being, not an ATM with emotional intelligence.

He can lose his job. He can experience stress. He can have difficult periods in life. He can need support himself. What happens then? Does the relationship still have a solid foundation, or was his value primarily tied to what he could provide?

3. The mahr debate and financial independence
Another thing I struggle to understand is how frequently financial security is discussed as a reason for demanding high mahr, even when some women have good careers, university degrees, and substantial incomes of their own.
I’m not saying that an employed woman doesn’t deserve mahr. She absolutely has that Islamic right. Nor am I saying that a woman’s income eliminates a husband’s financial responsibilities.

But I do question the reasoning when financial independence is celebrated in one conversation, while the man is simultaneously expected to meet increasingly expensive financial demands in another.

If both people are educated, financially capable adults, shouldn’t the discussion focus on building a stable life together rather than maximizing what one person can obtain from the other?

And when a woman later complains about her husband, I sometimes wonder whether the expectations and conditions established before marriage are ever examined with the same scrutiny.

A high mahr doesn’t guarantee a good husband. A high salary doesn’t guarantee a loving marriage. And expensive wedding arrangements don’t create compatibility.

So why do these things sometimes receive so much attention compared with character, deen, and the ability to work through life’s difficulties together?

4. Why is sex discussed as though men are the only ones who want it?
This is another subject that genuinely frustrates me.
I frequently hear women complain that men only want them for their bodies. Obviously, some men do behave that way, and that is wrong.

But do women not enjoy sex too? Do women not desire physical intimacy, affection, and feeling close to their husbands?
Sometimes the way sex is discussed makes it sound like a husband is asking his wife to perform an unpleasant chore, and he should consider himself lucky if she agrees to have sex once a week.

I also hear about relationships where a man can do one thing wrong during the day and suddenly any possibility of intimacy that evening is gone.

I’m not saying anyone owes their spouse sex. Consent matters within marriage, too. Nobody should be pressured into intimacy, and nobody is going to feel desire all the time.

But there is a difference between not wanting sex and using intimacy as leverage, punishment, or a bargaining chip.

Why isn’t there more discussion about the responsibility both spouses have to nurture intimacy, communicate about their needs, and make each other feel desired?

Men want to feel loved. Men want affection. Men want to feel attractive to their wives. Men want to know that their wives genuinely desire them, not merely tolerate intimacy when everything else in the relationship is going perfectly.
Why does this side of the conversation sometimes feel so absent?

5. What exactly are Muslim men supposed to be saving themselves for?
This is the part that brings everything together for me.
I’ve tried to stay away from haram relationships and zina. I’ve tried to take marriage seriously. I’m working, taking care of myself, and trying to become a good husband.
I know that avoiding zina is first and foremost about obeying Allah SWT. I’m not keeping score with Allah, and I’m not suggesting that a future wife owes me anything because of my choices.

But I did hope that marriage would be a partnership where both people appreciate each other’s sacrifices, where both feel loved and desired, and where neither person is constantly trying to prove that they are worth keeping.
Instead, parts of the marriage process make me feel as though a man must first prove his financial worth, then continuously prove his emotional worth, then keep proving that he deserves affection and intimacy.

Meanwhile, he is supposed to trust that his wife values him for who he is, rather than primarily for what he provides.
That disconnect is exhausting.

I know men have unrealistic expectations too. I know plenty of women are sincere, reasonable, loving, and looking for exactly the same things I am. I’m not claiming that all Muslim women behave this way.

But I want to understand whether the experiences and discussions I’m seeing represent a wider problem, or whether I’m allowing negative experiences to shape my view of marriage.

I genuinely want to get married. I’m not looking for a reason to hate women or an excuse to give up on marriage.
But I am increasingly frustrated by the idea that men must bring financial security, emotional stability, romance, humor, confidence, and sexual attentiveness to the table, while their own need to feel appreciated, loved, and desired can sometimes seem secondary.

I want a wife and a partner, not a financial checklist to satisfy and an endless audition to remain worthy of love.

Am I looking at this the wrong way, or are other people struggling with the same things?

Dr. Anisa has written a whole book on women being left not fully divorced, and there are articles discussing the realities Muslim women face when trying to leave a marriage. Yet I feel like we still don't talk enough about why safeguards like tafwid al-talaq are treated as so controversial.

I want to hear from both women and men on this because I genuinely struggle to understand the resistance to this clause.

I am specifically talking about tafwid al-talaq being included in the nikah contract under circumstances such as abuse, neglect, or a husband taking a second wife. I am not talking about a blanket, unrestricted right to divorce. I am talking about giving a woman a way out in circumstances where the marriage has become harmful to her, particularly in countries like the US, Canada and Australia, where religious divorce can be complicated and a woman may not have access to a religious authority who will adequately represent her interests.

My question is simple: if you have no intention of abusing, neglecting or betraying your wife, why would you object to agreeing in advance that she can leave if you do?

If you genuinely believe in treating your wife with kindness, fulfilling her rights and protecting her wellbeing, wouldn't you want her to have a way out if you failed to do those things?

I understand that divorce is serious and that marriage contracts should not be taken lightly. But this clause is not saying that a woman will necessarily leave. It is saying that if certain serious circumstances arise, she will not be left completely dependent on her husband's willingness to let her go.

And this is where I struggle to understand the taboo.

Why is a woman asking for this protection sometimes treated as though she doesn't trust her future husband, is planning for the marriage to fail or is entering the marriage with bad intentions? Why isn't it equally reasonable for a woman to say, "I hope I never need this, but I want to know I won't be trapped if things go wrong"?

And honestly, when a man refuses this clause, what exactly is he afraid of?

If the answer is that he would never abuse or neglect his wife, then the clause should never need to be exercised. If the concern is that he might take a second wife and his first wife would not want to remain married under those circumstances, why should she not be allowed to make that boundary clear before the marriage?

I am not saying every man who refuses the clause has bad intentions. I want to understand the actual reasoning. Is it a religious concern? Is it fear of losing control over the divorce process? Is it the belief that the husband alone should retain that authority? Is it simply cultural conditioning, or is there a legitimate legal or practical concern that I am overlooking?

I especially want to hear from men who would personally refuse to include it. Please explain your reasoning rather than simply saying that a good marriage shouldn't need such a clause. Unfortunately, marriages can change, and good intentions at the beginning do not guarantee good treatment years later.

And I want to hear from women, too. Would having this clause make you feel safer entering a marriage, particularly if you live in a country where getting a religious divorce can be difficult? Have you ever asked for it and faced resistance?
I feel that we have normalised asking women to trust men completely while treating it as controversial when women ask for a safeguard in return.

Why should a woman have to prove that her marriage has become unbearable before people accept that she deserved an exit route in the first place?

Genuinely open to hearing your thoughts, especially from men who disagree. I want to understand the rationale behind accepting or refusing this clause, not just hear that it is unnecessary because everything will supposedly be fine.

I got married in September 2025 to my maternal cousin (my mother’s brother’s daughter). Right after the Nikkah, I discovered a massive 9-year pre-marital medical fraud. She and her family intentionally hid a chronic, severe genetic disease (bleeding Plantar Keratoderma and hand fungus) using heavy chemical suppressants just to secure the match.

When the truth came out, she and her family severely abused me and my mother. Right now, she keeps texting me saying she wants to live with me and wants to come to Berlin, but her apology is completely fake. She only apologized to me, she refused to apologize to my mother, and her father completely supported her when she was abusing me.

I had to leave India to protect my career and am now Im in Berlin. For the last 9 months, we have lived apart, but I am trapped in a toxic loop. I keep blaming myself for moving too fast and not doing enough pre Nikkah due diligence. I am highly suspicious and almost completely certain that her family is preparing to file a false criminal harassment case against me back home to force my hand.

I’m so heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Part of me is so exhausted by the loneliness and fear of sinning that I actually ask myself if I should just bring her here to Berlin and try to forget everything, i feel i like her or love her or maybe im wrong. But I know the whole foundation was a lie and a facade. Also the hand diease is so chronic that i have to babysit her and she disrespects me never supported. I can't even look at my life without feeling sick. How do you break the trauma loop when it’s your own blood relatives who betrayed you, abused your mother, and are now trying to manipulate you? How do you get out?

Salam, I’m not well and I am seeking out help in the community. This is a serious post. I am Black (28F) and my husband Arab (28M), we are both Muslims. We will be married for two (2) years this December and I have been pondering his true intentions since then. I need to know what type of situation I am in (and that I’m not going crazy) from different prospectives. Please don’t sugarcoat anything. I’m a revert five (5) years and he’s born Muslim. From the first day we met each other it has been dysfunctional and sinful. He doesn’t pray and he doesn’t remember when the last time he attended Jumah. Before I met him, I was praying five (5) times a day. Even in the hot summer TX heat while delivering DD orders. I never let where I was and what I was doing get in the way of my salah. While he makes the excuse that his business is too demanding for him to do so ( roadside assistance). Since marrying my husband, I had to retake my shahada because I hadn’t prayed in so long. When I mention to him why he doesn’t lead in the religion for our lives. He responds with “ I will” and “ In Sha Allah”. He will pray only one (1) fard salah same day, then, I never see him pray again after that. He tells me that he cares about my akhirah but he doesn’t lead me to prayer. It’s tiring being the only one in this relationship that cares about dean. When I mention that I want a divorce from him because the religion means a lot to me and it’s a dealbreaker if he doesn’t participate, he tells me no. He won’t agree to divorce AT ALL. I plan to go to school and get a certification so I can live on my own and divorce him, but classes don’t start until January and it’s a 3-6 month course. I could move back with my dad but other people live there that I don’t agree with. No, my husband does not dictate if I pray or not, however, the man is the leader in EVERY romantic relationship and this man has been leading me into the fire since day one (1) and it’s making me miserable . Also to mention, he is an immigrant and trying to submit for a green card but we haven’t yet. What do you think? Do I already have my answer? Is he using me for citizenship? Should I move back with my family, wait to go to school, or go absolutely crazy?
P.S. If you are wondering why I didn’t leave while we were engaged, it’s because he SA’d me when we first met in person, and I created the excuse that it was out of love for me because i am his first romantic partner ( that I’m aware of). I think differently now. And it felt wrong for me to move on from that after being touched like that by him.

Was hopeful and think I've finally moved on after a week of being ghosted.

If a girl ever tells you she is shy and doesn't post herself which if you look at her profile turns out to be true and then says she is going to turn off her social media only to reopen it a few days later and post a video of herself with makeup with a caption on her face reading "why does it feel like I'm fighting for a life I don't even want" just dip no matter how long you've been taking or how hopeful you feel. Don't even ask.

Doesn't matter how much you both connect, talk, laugh, whatever bro. Just dip, read the signs early and pursue someone else. Everyone wants to be blind when they have hope.

Hello, everyone! I need some help.

I have had a crush on this guy whom I have known since I was four years old, although I did not understand the feeling until I was seventeen or eighteen years old. We are friends, and his family likes me; actually, his mother likes me very much, but she is nice to everyone, so I do not want to interpret this too seriously.

From what I have seen in him, he seems to be a good person and a good Muslim. Everybody loves him, and this makes me feel insecure about whether he ever looked at me like this before. I am not mentioning any details so that we are not identified by anyone.

I have just heard he may look for a wife in the near future. While I would be honored to consider such an offer, I am afraid he won’t show interest, and I do not know how to start anything without making our families feel uncomfortable.

We coincided several times, for example, on the plane or even sharing the same car. However, I do not wish to make any conclusions regarding this matter; I find it quite difficult to maintain balance between hope and realism.

Has anybody ever found himself or herself in a similar situation? Did you find out about each other’s interests? Please share your experience with me.

Edit: I would like to add that I truly feel like he doesn't see me in a cute way. Masha Allah, a lot of the girls that like him too look so, so gorgeous.

Assalamualaikum to everyone reading this post.

I am M24 working in corporate since 2 years after my graduation. It’s a typical 9 to 5 job but with a slow career growth. I recently started my first business as well, but however I am struggling to get my first clients. Alhamdulillah I am a practising Muslim, I pray, make isthigfaar, make dua everyday and also put in effort as much as I can. But still sometimes (or infact most of the time) I feel like nothing is progressing in my life. My income isn’t increasing, my goals aren’t getting any closer, I just feel lost these days. I do have Tawakkul in Allah, but somedays it’s just so hard.

As someone who stays away from haram and maintains strict boundaries towards the opposite gender, I just want to get married soon. But I don’t really know how to with my current life situation.

I am a man with big goals, I want to be the most fit & healthy, I want to travel the world with my future partner, I want to visit Makkah every year, I want to run multiple successful businesses. But if there’s one short-term goal I want to achieve under a year, then that would be to get married. But I come from a culture where men getting married early is not appreciated unless you are rich, and talking about male loneliness or men needing love & companionship with your family or community is looked down upon.

I also recently had a slight bad experience when I was talking to someone with the intention of getting to know for marriage. I was ghosted because of the colour of my skin (I am brown) and because I look a bit older than my age (because I keep a beard). I don’t let these things affect my self confidence, but it does make me overthink how much do I have to struggle to find a wife when the place where I am from requires a man to be either white/fair or have more money in order to get married.

I need some advice from the brothers (or sisters as well) on what to do with my current life situation. I trust my Lord a lot, I know this situation is temporary and I won’t be in this forever. But sometimes I just feel lost thinking about how am I even going to get married any time soon or achieve any other life goal with the current trajectory of my life.

Jazakallah for taking your time to read this.