I tell in love with a non-Muslim who was my best friend for the past 2 years. He is devoutly Christian and I would never ask him to convert. I feel like I can't get over him at all. I've talked to one guy who was a great man since. This was someone that was Muslim and I know would make a great husband. I just couldn't move on from this non-Muslim man. I feel like if I ever married someone else I would be thinking of him the whole time, and I'm already in my late 20s. Feel like I'm running out of time but I can't get into another relationship while not over this man.
I keep thinking of what life could be like together, he's a man of great character and if he were Muslim and asked to marry me, I would not hesitate at all. I don't know what to do.

I’m a 32-year-old Muslim man. I have a stable job, take care of my health and fitness, and I’m genuinely looking to get married.

For years, I’ve stayed away from zina. I know that ultimately, this should be for the sake of Allah SWT, and I’m not saying I deserve a medal for doing what is expected of me. But I’ve also always wanted to preserve myself for my future wife. I wanted to meet someone with whom I could build something meaningful, someone who would appreciate my character, my commitment to deen, and the fact that I took marriage seriously.

But the more I experience the marriage process, the more frustrated and discouraged I become.

1. When did marriage become so transactional?
When I get to know a woman, I want to know who she is. Her personality, her values, her sense of humor, her character, and whether we genuinely connect. I want to find someone I can laugh with, grow with, and build a life with.

But eventually, the financial expectations enter the conversation.

Income, career, lifestyle, mahr, housing, and the ability to provide a certain standard of living. Of course, financial responsibility matters. I’m not suggesting a man should be irresponsible or expect a woman to carry him financially.
But where is the line between wanting a responsible husband and treating marriage like a financial transaction?

I recently saw a post from a female revert complaining that she couldn’t find a husband willing to pay her the mahr she wanted while her friends had received three times as much.

Seriously? Is this what marriage has become? Comparing mahr amounts with your friends and feeling shortchanged because someone else received more?

Mahr is an Islamic right, but when does it stop being about a meaningful agreement between two people and become a competition over who can extract the most from a prospective husband?

Sometimes it genuinely makes me wonder whether a man is being evaluated as a potential life partner or as a financial package.

2. Men are expected to bring everything to the table. What about the other side?
A man is expected to provide financially, have a stable career, be emotionally mature, communicate properly, be funny, be romantic, be confident, maintain his appearance, and keep his wife happy.

And apparently, he must continue doing all of this indefinitely, because if the relationship becomes boring or he stops meeting expectations, she might eventually lose interest.

But if financial status is such a major factor in choosing a husband, why are men also expected to meet every emotional and romantic expectation imaginable?
Are we looking for a husband or a one-man service package?

I want to be clear: I believe men should take responsibility for their families. I understand that women want security. But responsibility and unrealistic expectations are not the same thing.

A man is a human being, not an ATM with emotional intelligence.

He can lose his job. He can experience stress. He can have difficult periods in life. He can need support himself. What happens then? Does the relationship still have a solid foundation, or was his value primarily tied to what he could provide?

3. The mahr debate and financial independence
Another thing I struggle to understand is how frequently financial security is discussed as a reason for demanding high mahr, even when some women have good careers, university degrees, and substantial incomes of their own.
I’m not saying that an employed woman doesn’t deserve mahr. She absolutely has that Islamic right. Nor am I saying that a woman’s income eliminates a husband’s financial responsibilities.

But I do question the reasoning when financial independence is celebrated in one conversation, while the man is simultaneously expected to meet increasingly expensive financial demands in another.

If both people are educated, financially capable adults, shouldn’t the discussion focus on building a stable life together rather than maximizing what one person can obtain from the other?

And when a woman later complains about her husband, I sometimes wonder whether the expectations and conditions established before marriage are ever examined with the same scrutiny.

A high mahr doesn’t guarantee a good husband. A high salary doesn’t guarantee a loving marriage. And expensive wedding arrangements don’t create compatibility.

So why do these things sometimes receive so much attention compared with character, deen, and the ability to work through life’s difficulties together?

4. Why is sex discussed as though men are the only ones who want it?
This is another subject that genuinely frustrates me.
I frequently hear women complain that men only want them for their bodies. Obviously, some men do behave that way, and that is wrong.

But do women not enjoy sex too? Do women not desire physical intimacy, affection, and feeling close to their husbands?
Sometimes the way sex is discussed makes it sound like a husband is asking his wife to perform an unpleasant chore, and he should consider himself lucky if she agrees to have sex once a week.

I also hear about relationships where a man can do one thing wrong during the day and suddenly any possibility of intimacy that evening is gone.

I’m not saying anyone owes their spouse sex. Consent matters within marriage, too. Nobody should be pressured into intimacy, and nobody is going to feel desire all the time.

But there is a difference between not wanting sex and using intimacy as leverage, punishment, or a bargaining chip.

Why isn’t there more discussion about the responsibility both spouses have to nurture intimacy, communicate about their needs, and make each other feel desired?

Men want to feel loved. Men want affection. Men want to feel attractive to their wives. Men want to know that their wives genuinely desire them, not merely tolerate intimacy when everything else in the relationship is going perfectly.
Why does this side of the conversation sometimes feel so absent?

5. What exactly are Muslim men supposed to be saving themselves for?
This is the part that brings everything together for me.
I’ve tried to stay away from haram relationships and zina. I’ve tried to take marriage seriously. I’m working, taking care of myself, and trying to become a good husband.
I know that avoiding zina is first and foremost about obeying Allah SWT. I’m not keeping score with Allah, and I’m not suggesting that a future wife owes me anything because of my choices.

But I did hope that marriage would be a partnership where both people appreciate each other’s sacrifices, where both feel loved and desired, and where neither person is constantly trying to prove that they are worth keeping.
Instead, parts of the marriage process make me feel as though a man must first prove his financial worth, then continuously prove his emotional worth, then keep proving that he deserves affection and intimacy.

Meanwhile, he is supposed to trust that his wife values him for who he is, rather than primarily for what he provides.
That disconnect is exhausting.

I know men have unrealistic expectations too. I know plenty of women are sincere, reasonable, loving, and looking for exactly the same things I am. I’m not claiming that all Muslim women behave this way.

But I want to understand whether the experiences and discussions I’m seeing represent a wider problem, or whether I’m allowing negative experiences to shape my view of marriage.

I genuinely want to get married. I’m not looking for a reason to hate women or an excuse to give up on marriage.
But I am increasingly frustrated by the idea that men must bring financial security, emotional stability, romance, humor, confidence, and sexual attentiveness to the table, while their own need to feel appreciated, loved, and desired can sometimes seem secondary.

I want a wife and a partner, not a financial checklist to satisfy and an endless audition to remain worthy of love.

Am I looking at this the wrong way, or are other people struggling with the same things?

I really like her a lot, and I genuinely see her as wife material. The problem is that I lied to her about my age. I told her I was 29, and she became attached to me. Later, I came clean and told her that I’m actually 25.
She was upset and angry that I had deceived her, but I tried to explain that it wasn’t a big deal because the age difference was merely nothing. She stopped talking to me for three weeks. I recently reached out to her, and she told me that she still loves me and doesn’t really care about my age. What bothers her is the fact that I lied to her.
Now I’m wondering what I should do. If I marry her, will she hold this against me in the future? Is it possible for her to genuinely move past this, or will she always have doubts about my honesty? She says she still wants me, but I’m worried that she might eventually resent me because she knows I lied to her.
Did I mess things up beyond repair? Should I give this relationship a chance and work on rebuilding her trust, or would it be better to move on and find someone else who is younger.

Assalamu alaikum, everyone.

I talked to a girl for about a month with the intention of marriage, and I made my intentions clear from the beginning. During those weeks, most of our conversations were about getting to know each other, but honestly, I was doing about 90% of the talking, especially over text.

After a couple of weeks, I sent her flowers as a gesture to show that I liked her so far. She then told her family, and since we have a mutual relative, that relative informed my mother that they were expecting an official visit from my family. Things became serious pretty quickly.

I liked her a lot, even though she was very reserved. At the time, I thought she was simply shy and that she would open up as we got to know each other better. She was so reserved that I felt the only way to truly get to know her on a deeper level was to move forward with the engagement. Looking back, I realize that might not have been the best decision, but at the time, I genuinely believed things would improve as our relationship developed.

I traveled overseas to my home country so we could meet in person, and everything seemed to go well. We got engaged, and I was genuinely happy about it.

However, about a month into the engagement, I started having doubts. She is honestly one of the nicest people I know, and I respect her a lot. She has many good qualities, but I feel like something important is missing between us: passion and emotional connection.

I’m someone who values passion in a person. Passion for love, for people, for life, and for building a meaningful relationship. I want a spouse who expresses affection, shows excitement about being with me, and makes me feel that the connection goes both ways.

She is still very reserved, even after the engagement. When I express my feelings, she sometimes brushes them off or simply responds with “me too.” I’m not saying this to blame her. People express love differently, and she might genuinely care about me in her own way. But I struggle to feel that affection from her.

After about two months, I started feeling increasingly distant from her. We talk for about an hour every day, but most of our conversations revolve around how our days went and other ordinary things. I don’t feel like we’re developing a deeper emotional connection. Eventually, I stopped expressing how much I liked her because I wasn’t feeling that connection being reciprocated.

Now, some of the concerns I had during the talking stage, which I overlooked at the time, are starting to come back. I think I was caught up in the excitement and emotions of the moment. I liked her so much that I might have ignored some important things I was looking for in a spouse.

I genuinely wanted this to work. I never went into this with the intention of playing with someone’s feelings. I traveled across the world to meet her, involved our families, and got engaged because I believed there was potential for a good marriage.

But now I’m stuck between two difficult choices.

In my culture, breaking an engagement is a big deal. It can hurt the girl, both families, and me. I’m especially worried about how much I could hurt her because I know she’s a good person and I have no reason to disrespect her or make her feel like she’s not good enough.

At the same time, I don’t want to proceed with marriage while feeling this way. I’m afraid that if I already feel disconnected during the engagement, things could become even worse after marriage. I don’t want to marry someone hoping that I can change her personality or that she’ll eventually become the kind of partner I need.

Part of me wonders whether this is simply a difficult stage of a relationship and whether I should stop focusing so much on my emotions and honor the commitment I’ve made. After all, marriage isn’t going to feel exciting every single day.

But another part of me feels that emotional connection, affection, and compatibility are important things to consider before marriage, and that I shouldn’t ignore my concerns just because ending the engagement would be painful.

I’m not looking for someone to blame. She deserves someone who appreciates her for who she is, and I deserve to be honest with myself about what I need in a marriage. I just don’t know whether I’m having normal doubts and letting my emotions get the best of me, or whether I’m recognizing a genuine incompatibility that I should take seriously.

For those of you who have been through something similar, especially those who come from cultures where breaking an engagement carries significant social and family consequences:

What would you advise me to do? Have you ever experienced this kind of doubt during an engagement? Did things improve after marriage, or did the issues become more apparent?

I'm curious about how non-South Asian Muslim women feel about marrying a Muslim man of Indian or Pakistani origin.

Would his upbringing or current country of residence influence your decision? For example, would you be more open to marrying someone who grew up or currently lives in the UK, US, Canada, or elsewhere outside South Asia?

Or would his cultural background, family dynamics, values, and compatibility matter more than where he was raised or lives?

I'd love to hear your thoughts and the reasons behind your preferences.

Poll options:

1. No, I wouldn't consider it at all.

2. Yes, regardless of where he lives or was raised.

3. Yes, if he was raised outside South Asia.

4. Yes, if he currently lives outside South Asia.

5. It depends on the circumstances (I'll explain in the comments).

Is it normal to feel this lost when searching for a spouse through these apps?

I'm a woman, and I often struggle to find someone whose bio and appearance both appeal to me because I don't even know if I am attracted to them or not, and whom I feel comfortable getting to know, while also feeling that the interest is mutual.

When I first started using the apps, I didn't pay much attention to appearance. I would read someone's bio, and if it seemed like we might be compatible, I would start a conversation to discuss the most important matters and ask questions. I come from a very religious family, and I was never really taught much about interacting with the opposite gender or about marriage in general, my relationship with my brothers and father was not the best as they see us below them, and I never spoke to men unless I had something to ask like directions, etc.

so I've been trying to navigate this process as best I can.

Over time, though, I noticed that people would often become less engaged in the conversation, unmatch, or block me. Eventually, I realised that many of them seemed to expect more casual conversations about how our day was going, what we were doing, and exchanging pictures. I'm not comfortable with that kind of interaction, especially when I'm still getting to know someone and haven't established whether we're compatible.

Unfortunately, I don't feel that I have many alternatives. I had to leave my country because of the conflict, and I don't know anyone here who could help me find a suitable spouse. At the same time, people in the Gulf generally seem to prefer marrying within their own communities, which makes the search feel even more difficult.

Despite all of this, I'm genuinely grateful to Allah for keeping me safe and giving me the knowledge to recognise what I should avoid.

I realise I've gone off on a tangent, so here's what I actually wanted to ask:

How do you distinguish between finding someone objectively good-looking and actually finding them attractive? I struggle to understand what I'm supposed to be looking for in terms of physical attraction, especially when I'm trying to consider it alongside compatibility and religious commitment.

And secondly, is my approach to getting to know someone wrong? I prefer to keep conversations purposeful by asking and answering questions about important matters, rather than trying to build an emotional connection with someone I barely know. I want to establish whether we're compatible first, and then allow a relationship to develop if we both decide to move forward.

I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences and advice, especially from sisters who have approached the process in a similar way.

Assalamu Alaikum,

I’ve recently started thinking more seriously about haq mehr and nikah conditions after speaking to a few potentials, and I’m honestly a little confused about what is reasonable to ask for.

My main requirements are:

Haq Mehr: £500–£1,000, with any additional gifts from his family given willingly out of love + perform umrah together within the first year of marriage.

Separate Accommodation: Our own private home or living arrangements from the beginning of the marriage, rather than living with in-laws.

Monogamy: My husband not taking a second wife during our marriage.

Financial Provision: My husband to have a provider mindset being the primary breadwinner and responsible for expenses.

Are these reasonable conditions? And a reasonable amount of haq mehr? Are there any other vital conditions relating specifically to haq mehr or the nikah contract that you would recommend including?

Of course, I have other requirements regarding deen, compatibility, character and dealbreakers, but I’m mainly asking about haq mehr and contractual conditions.

I know some people prefer a higher mahr for financial security in case of separation, and I completely understand that. Personally, I want to enter marriage with hope and trust in Allah SWT and the person I choose to marry, believing we’re both committed to building a lifelong partnership. I believe marriage can bring rizq and barakah, and whilst I understand the importance of protecting my rights, I want to feel secure in my husband’s character, intentions and commitment.

I want to enter marriage with trust in Allah SWT and the person I marry, knowing we’ve discussed our expectations and share the same values. I want us to be husband and wife, but also best friends who support each other, grow together and help one another become better Muslims.

I know nobody can predict the future, but I want to approach marriage with hope rather than fear and, inshaAllah, look back one day feeling that marrying him was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

GIRLS:
For the girls, what kind of conditions or expectations would you want to have in place before marriage? What would be most important to you?

GUYS:
For the guys, what would you consider reasonable and fair from your perspective? Are there any expectations here that you might disagree with, and if so, why?

A lot of brothers obsess over the number of sexual partners a potential wife has had in the past.

I used to do the same, but I no longer do, as I have come to realise that this made me a moral hypocrite. I'm 31 years old, and for much of my adult life, I was a pretty bad Muslim who didn't sincerely seek to follow God's guidance or the teachings of His Messenger (peace be upon him). I had several girlfriends I slept with. This is something I now deeply regret and repent for.

What truly matters to me now is finding a woman who is firmly committed to being modest in accordance with the will of Allah, who keeps her distance from men who are not her mahrams, and who will remain loyal to her husband as long as he is caring and loving and does not sin against her.

I know quite a few Muslim women who do not wear the hijab or wear it in a way that I consider incorrect, such as wearing makeup that makes them pretty attractive to men. Some of them are funny and intelligent, and when I interact with them, I feel a strong attraction to them. I'm tempted to flirt with them, but I don't, both because it would be haram and because I don't want to marry a woman who is frequently approached by men trying to flirt with her. Even if she has no intention of committing zina, the temptation can be difficult to resist when men regularly try to seduce her.

I know a young 22-year-old female revert who had a promiscuous lifestyle before embracing Islam. She also has a social media account.

It was truly amazing to see her transformation. At first, she wore revealing and very sexy clothes, then ordinary Western clothing, and eventually a headscarf that still left part of her hair exposed. Now, she wears the hijab properly and dresses modestly, in clothing that completely conceals her body shape. She has acknowledged that, when she was a non-Muslim, she enjoyed being noticed by men and flirting with them, but she is now convinced that this was deeply wrong.

She now keeps her distance from men, she only has female friends and only wants to become close to the man she eventually marries.

Given that she is also quite intelligent, well-read, and eager to study Islam, I genuinely believe she would make a good wife for me. She may not choose me in the end, but I'm convinced that her future husband will be much happier and feel more secure with her than with a Muslim woman who dresses like a unbeliever and accepts invitations from her male colleagues to have coffee with them.

(Yeah, Muslim men who flirt with their female colleagues at work are bad too, especially if they're married)

Dr. Anisa has written a whole book on women being left not fully divorced, and there are articles discussing the realities Muslim women face when trying to leave a marriage. Yet I feel like we still don't talk enough about why safeguards like tafwid al-talaq are treated as so controversial.

I want to hear from both women and men on this because I genuinely struggle to understand the resistance to this clause.

I am specifically talking about tafwid al-talaq being included in the nikah contract under circumstances such as abuse, neglect, or a husband taking a second wife. I am not talking about a blanket, unrestricted right to divorce. I am talking about giving a woman a way out in circumstances where the marriage has become harmful to her, particularly in countries like the US, Canada and Australia, where religious divorce can be complicated and a woman may not have access to a religious authority who will adequately represent her interests.

My question is simple: if you have no intention of abusing, neglecting or betraying your wife, why would you object to agreeing in advance that she can leave if you do?

If you genuinely believe in treating your wife with kindness, fulfilling her rights and protecting her wellbeing, wouldn't you want her to have a way out if you failed to do those things?

I understand that divorce is serious and that marriage contracts should not be taken lightly. But this clause is not saying that a woman will necessarily leave. It is saying that if certain serious circumstances arise, she will not be left completely dependent on her husband's willingness to let her go.

And this is where I struggle to understand the taboo.

Why is a woman asking for this protection sometimes treated as though she doesn't trust her future husband, is planning for the marriage to fail or is entering the marriage with bad intentions? Why isn't it equally reasonable for a woman to say, "I hope I never need this, but I want to know I won't be trapped if things go wrong"?

And honestly, when a man refuses this clause, what exactly is he afraid of?

If the answer is that he would never abuse or neglect his wife, then the clause should never need to be exercised. If the concern is that he might take a second wife and his first wife would not want to remain married under those circumstances, why should she not be allowed to make that boundary clear before the marriage?

I am not saying every man who refuses the clause has bad intentions. I want to understand the actual reasoning. Is it a religious concern? Is it fear of losing control over the divorce process? Is it the belief that the husband alone should retain that authority? Is it simply cultural conditioning, or is there a legitimate legal or practical concern that I am overlooking?

I especially want to hear from men who would personally refuse to include it. Please explain your reasoning rather than simply saying that a good marriage shouldn't need such a clause. Unfortunately, marriages can change, and good intentions at the beginning do not guarantee good treatment years later.

And I want to hear from women, too. Would having this clause make you feel safer entering a marriage, particularly if you live in a country where getting a religious divorce can be difficult? Have you ever asked for it and faced resistance?
I feel that we have normalised asking women to trust men completely while treating it as controversial when women ask for a safeguard in return.

Why should a woman have to prove that her marriage has become unbearable before people accept that she deserved an exit route in the first place?

Genuinely open to hearing your thoughts, especially from men who disagree. I want to understand the rationale behind accepting or refusing this clause, not just hear that it is unnecessary because everything will supposedly be fine.

I have been seeing my potential wife for the last 6 months now, we are dating by going to the movies and eating at restaurants and trying fun activities. How long of a time frame do you think is appropriate before marrying someone? Her and I have some distance so in the last 6 months we have probably seen each other a total of 35 different times. The issue is that we obviously cannot live together, so it is impossible to know what she is like on a day-to-day basis when we are not in a happy mood and going out to just date.

How do you deal with the struggles of coming from a cultural Muslim family and trying to find your partner?

The other question is based on money, do your wives work? Would you want your wife to work? Are you able to provide a happy life with just a single income?

​

Assalamu alaikum everyone.

This might sound like a weird thing to worry about, especially since I'm not even married yet, but it's something I've been thinking about.

When I eventually get married, I genuinely feel like I'm going to be extremely affectionate towards my wife. I want to make her feel loved, appreciated, beautiful, and valued. I imagine wanting to spend time with her, complimenting her, giving her attention, and just making her feel special in the little things.

But at the same time, I have this fear that I'll end up doing too much. Like, what if I'm constantly showing affection, giving her attention, and making it obvious how much I love her to the point where she starts taking it for granted or loses interest?

I know every person is different, and I'm probably overthinking something that hasn't even happened yet. But I've seen people talk about how being too available or too affectionate can kill attraction, and it makes me wonder whether there's some truth to it.

For those of you who are married, especially the brothers and sisters who've been married for a while, how does this actually work in marriage?

Can you be extremely affectionate with your wife without making the relationship feel one-sided or losing that spark? Or is this just me overthinking something that shouldn't be a problem in a healthy marriage?

Jazakum Allahu khairan for any advice.

I’m talking to this guy, we get along pretty well. We’re very similar too. However he is on a visa, which is about to expire soon. He doesnt have a proper 9-5, but he wants to marry asap. He said marrying me will open so many doors. When I asked him if he’s marrying me for citizenship, he said it will make it easier for him, but he also feels very compatible with me. The thing is I also feel like we are compatible, but he does/says things that throw me off. am I reading too much?

I got married in September 2025 to my maternal cousin (my mother’s brother’s daughter). Right after the Nikkah, I discovered a massive 9-year pre-marital medical fraud. She and her family intentionally hid a chronic, severe genetic disease (bleeding Plantar Keratoderma and hand fungus) using heavy chemical suppressants just to secure the match.

When the truth came out, she and her family severely abused me and my mother. Right now, she keeps texting me saying she wants to live with me and wants to come to Berlin, but her apology is completely fake. She only apologized to me, she refused to apologize to my mother, and her father completely supported her when she was abusing me.

I had to leave India to protect my career and am now Im in Berlin. For the last 9 months, we have lived apart, but I am trapped in a toxic loop. I keep blaming myself for moving too fast and not doing enough pre Nikkah due diligence. I am highly suspicious and almost completely certain that her family is preparing to file a false criminal harassment case against me back home to force my hand.

I’m so heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Part of me is so exhausted by the loneliness and fear of sinning that I actually ask myself if I should just bring her here to Berlin and try to forget everything, i feel i like her or love her or maybe im wrong. But I know the whole foundation was a lie and a facade. Also the hand diease is so chronic that i have to babysit her and she disrespects me never supported. I can't even look at my life without feeling sick. How do you break the trauma loop when it’s your own blood relatives who betrayed you, abused your mother, and are now trying to manipulate you? How do you get out?

With my (admittedly limited amount of) experience talking with women, one of the hardest things for me to understand and decipher is the level of interest they have in me when getting to know me. I say this because deep down I know that there’s a lot of women who will prolong and continue marriage related talking stages even if their heart fully isn’t into it. (Btw I’m not trying to critique women here, there’s men who do the same unfortunately)

I would love to live in a world where people were fully honest and blunt about their feelings, but that isn’t always the case.

So I wanted to create this post to gain advice so that I can eventually become an expert in filtering out low interest women so hopefully I can end up with a women who deep down desires me as much as I desire her

Women, be honest: what are things that you do when the guy you’re chatting with isn’t really capturing your interest? Perhaps he gave you the ick, perhaps he’s not good looking, etc. What are the differences in how you behave with these men compared to how you behave with men that you truly desire

Obviously as Muslims there are guidelines that will prevent us from showing interest pre marriage in every way possible, but I do believe there are ways to show interest in a manner that is halal as well

I’d also appreciate advice from men as well. Thanks!

I am an ethnically Indian Muslim in my late 20s, but I live elsewhere. I matched with a Moroccan girl recently, and things have been great. I am looking forward to marrying her, but I want to know what I am getting into.

We both speak English as our second language and can converse okay. But being from a culturally heavy background, I am worried about what challenges she might have in settling in or what expectations she'd have from me.

She's a traditional practicing muslim too, so we are aligned with religious values. But there's a lot of other unknowns that I am worried about that we might discover down the lane.

Can someone please guide me through what challenges I could face in a marriage like this and how I navigate this with her to know if we're compatible with each other?

TIA!

Peace be upon you. How are you? My brother is 24 years old and wants to get married. He is a religious, kind, and hardworking person. He wants to find a good girl to marry. What is the best way to do that? I have tried many methods and haven't found anything.

Assalamu alaikum. For Muslims who are serious about marriage, how do you prefer to get to know a potential spouse while maintaining Islamic boundaries and privacy? I'd love to hear what has worked for others, especially when it comes to assessing compatibility, sincerity and emotional maturity.

Assalamu Alaikum. I genuinely need some advice, and I would appreciate it if the comments could be respectful. I know this post is long, but please take a moment to read it and help me with some genuine advice.

I’m in love with a guy, and we both want to get married. We’ve been trying our best to maintain halal boundaries, although I understand that being in a relationship before marriage is not permissible in Islam.
My family and his family know each other. The problem is that my family strongly prefers a Salafi/Ahl-e-Hadith spouse for me, whereas his family follows the Jamaat-e-Islami school of thought, as far as my parents understand. His family sometimes says they follow Ahl-e-Hadith, but my parents feel that their actual practices are different.
My family is quite strict about these matters. They’ve always been against relationships, and I’ve spent most of my life trying to maintain my distance from non-mahram men. I honestly don’t even know how or when I started developing feelings for him. I liked him from a distance, and one day, we started talking very randomly and realised that the feelings were mutual.
Now, we’re serious about getting married. His family knows about us, is happy about our relationship, and wants the proposal to happen. The problem is my family. I’m terrified that they’ll reject him simply because of his family’s religious affiliation, even if everything else about the proposal is acceptable to them.
Another thing I’m scared of is that my parents might reject or ignore his proposal because they believe they can find me someone better who follows the Salafi/Ahl-e-Hadith school of thought. They might feel that I should wait for a more suitable proposal rather than consider him. I’m afraid that even if his family approaches mine formally my parents might refuse and insist on finding someone who meets their religious preferences.
The difficult part is that I have absolutely no way of telling my parents about our relationship. Considering how strictly they feel about relationships, I cannot imagine how they would react if they found out. My brother has some idea about us, but he isn’t someone I can turn to for help. I don’t think he would support me marrying this guy or try to understand my situation. So, I feel like I’m dealing with this completely alone, without anyone in my family who could help me approach my parents or convince them to consider the proposal. I also cannot go against or fight with my parents because of a few personal circumstances that I cannot disclose here.
I genuinely love this guy and want to marry him, but I don’t know how to make this happen without creating a huge conflict in my family. I’m scared that my parents will reject the proposal because of his family’s school of thought, and I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens. His family is willing, but I feel helpless because I have no idea how to get my own family to agree.
I understand that feelings alone aren’t enough to make a marriage work, and I want to approach this in a way that is Islamically sound. I also understand that I should have handled things differently from the beginning. But I can’t change how I developed feelings for him, and I genuinely want to find a halal way forward.

Please don’t turn this into a debate about which group is better or leave rude comments calling me names. I know this may seem like a caste like issue to some people, but I’m genuinely worried about my future. I would really appreciate sincere advice, especially from people who may have dealt with a similar situation or understand Islamic marriage matters.

JazakAllah Khair.

My parent choosed my maternal cousin as my wife. I live born and grown in town. She grown up in village. Her mindset and mine are not same.

Also our thinking process is not same, It can be a reason that she is 18 or her thinking process is developing.

In Bangladesh village early marriage is a normal thing.

Also I don't have any problem to get married now. Besides my mom is sick, she likes her very much also my cousin take care of her.

I want to know from experienced couple, how can I adjust with this arranged marriage? How I can create affection between us? Is sex is enough to make a relationship stable? How other arrange marriage couple make adjustments?

PLEASE mods don't remove it. I'm in dire need of help. I have made it Brothers ONLY because I don't want a gender war ,i simply want advice from fellow brothers.

My wife and I are both 38, have been married for 11 years, and have two kids.

Before marriage, my wife made it clear that she would never marry a man who wanted additional wives. At the time, I genuinely had no desire for polygyny. But as the years passed and life became monotonous, I started wanting it. I knew I could lose my marriage, so I pushed those thoughts aside.

Three months ago, I learned about a widow through a friend who had three children and no means of supporting them. I expressed interest in marrying her. I genuinely wanted to help her, but I won't lie and say that was my only motivation. I had been desiring polygyny for years and saw this as an opportunity.

My biggest mistake was pursuing it behind my wife's back because I was afraid of her reaction. Before I could tell her, she found out through my friend's wife.

It's been two weeks, and my wife is inconsolable. She left our home the day she found out. I've begged for forgiveness and tried everything to comfort her, but she says her trust in me is gone. Yesterday, she sent me a khula notice.

Today, we finally spoke privately. She told me she could never remain in a polygamous marriage.My wife said she wasn't asking me to divorce my second wife,she simply wanted me to grant her khula. She even offered to return her mahr of 7K, asked for no additional financial compensation and agreed to joint custody of our children. She promised she wouldn't tarnish my reputation or turn the kids against me.

I refused, so she said she'd pursue faskh instead. In our community, judges generally rule in the wife's favour in such cases because many women have this condition stipulated in their marriage contracts.

I just can't imagine my life without her .She was an incredible wife who stood by me through thick and thin for 11 years,when I was bedridden for 6 months due to an accident,she nursed me ,when i was jobless for a year,she took care of the finances,when i went into depression after losing my mother,she was my biggest emotional support She was an amazing wife and mother, and even our intimate life was amazing. I genuinely love her, yet now she wants nothing to do with me.

I know hiding everything from her was wrong, and I deeply regret hurting her. But polygyny is halal, so why am I losing the woman I love and the family we've built together? I cannot bear the thought of our marriage ending.But she has sweared on Allah that she won't return back to me and give her khula ,otherwise she would go to the Islamic court.

Is there any way to save my marriage? I love my wife and don't want to lose her. Please, brothers, I genuinely need advice because I don't know what to do anymore.

Assalamu Alikum

This might be a bit long but please suggest me what to do

I'm writing this with very heavy weight in my chest

I m 18 year old M. and I'm here looking for your experience or someone of you might have experienced this situation and I don't know how to get out of it

I'm the only son of my family and I have 3 sisters and I m the the eldest one

Currently I'm studying in university doing Bs. Entomology

The situation is that my family expects me to take Burden of marriages of my all sister's and it's all on me I have to do that I m ready for that unwillingly.....

But I m afraid that how m I gonna manage all of those expenses even a simple marriage in this time cost as much as 30 lack and if we include jaheez also it can go beyond that and I m so afraid that how I'm going to do all of those expenses

Orr ab mujy Apni hi family sy koi attraction ni Hoti mujy Wohi bury lgna shuru ho Gy hn JB be mery samny aty hn mujy lgta ha meri kyA Galti ha k ya sbb me kron but meny kbhi bi Kisi sy Kuch bi NI kha or ya chez mujy indr sy khaii ja rhi ha K meri duty ya kesy ho gi ha

I have my own life to live...... what about it

Is my only duty is to earn money as much as possible just to make other people life and what for me

All those things are so hurting me so much in my mind that I have lost my mind the moment I think about it and feels like my life is over before it is getting started and some time this became so extreme that once I litterly pour 20 plus pills in my hand to end my life but I stopped just because it's haram

What if I didn't succeeded or earn much to support them then what gonna happen I can't live with that

And I'm suffering so much... kindly if you have any suggestions how to find mental peace please tell me how to end this suffering

Asalamualaikum

My wife and I are both in our early 20s and got married a few months ago. We’re both students and currently live separately because of university.

Our marriage was arranged through our families, although we both had the opportunity to agree or decline.

Initially, I thought everything was going well. We spent time together, were affectionate and seemed happy. However, when university restarted, she became increasingly distant and stopped initiating conversations as much.

After several difficult conversations, she finally opened up about what had actually happened.

She explained that she’d been uncertain about getting married from the beginning. She’s always struggled with saying no and disappointing people, and because both families were happy and arrangements were progressing, she felt increasingly unable to back out.

In the weeks leading up to the wedding, she became very anxious and didn’t want to go ahead. However, she felt it was too late to cancel and went through with it.

She doesn’t blame me personally and acknowledges that nobody intentionally forced her, but she regrets not saying no.

After getting married, she tried to convince herself she was happy. She was affectionate and acted normally because she genuinely wanted things to work. However, she now admits that she was often suppressing her actual feelings.

Over the last several weeks, she’s been experiencing persistent sadness, anxiety, emotional exhaustion and a loss of enjoyment in things. She feels particularly bad when she’s alone because she starts thinking about the marriage. When she’s busy, she can temporarily distract herself.

We’ve now had two very long and honest conversations about everything.

She says I’m a good person, that I haven’t done anything wrong, and that she probably would’ve felt similarly if she’d married somebody else under the same circumstances.

However, she’s also told me some difficult things. She doesn’t genuinely enjoy much of our time together at the moment, and when we’re together, she often suppresses thoughts about wanting to separate. Some of her affection has been motivated by guilt or wanting to make me happy rather than genuinely wanting to be affectionate.

She also doesn’t particularly feel the desire to spend more time with me and can’t identify anything specific about our relationship that could change to make her happier. When she imagines separation, she feels relieved because she thinks the distressing thoughts would finally stop.

We’ve explored whether she’s worried about marital expectations, religion, responsibilities or losing independence, but she says none of those things are the main issue.

She seems unhappy with the marriage itself, although she can’t fully explain why. She’s now leaning strongly towards separation, but she hasn’t made a final decision.

She says she wishes she could be happy in the marriage, but struggles to imagine her feelings changing. A lot of her motivation to keep trying seems to come from not wanting to hurt me or disappoint our families.

She has expressed willingness to try counselling, and I’ve made it clear that she’s free to make whatever decision she genuinely wants.

I love her deeply and would like to give our marriage a chance, but I also don’t want her to feel trapped or pressured into staying. I’m also concerned about her mental health because she’s been persistently low and emotionally exhausted.

I guess I’m wondering whether anyone has experienced something similar, where one partner regretted getting married but their feelings eventually changed.

Like a few questions I thought i’d ask:

Is counselling worth trying in this situation, or would it just prolong something she already knows she doesn’t want?

How do I distinguish between someone struggling emotionally because of how the marriage began and someone who genuinely doesn’t want the relationship?

And at what point do I accept that separation may be the best outcome, even though neither of us has done anything particularly wrong?

I’d especially appreciate advice from people who’ve experienced something similar, whether their marriage worked out or not.

JazakallahKhairan to everyone (AI was used to help write it however al experiences are my own)

Sibling is undiagnosed with textbook antisocial personality disorder / Narcissism 

The usual no obedience to law, rude, malicious, changes personality for gain. I would go into more but it’ll be too specific. They are the black sheep / outcast of the family and doesn’t get along with no one including parents, siblings and extended relatives. I don’t get along with this sibling at all. Very verbally abusive and displeasure to be around. 

Have no qualms with introducing potential to my parents, uncles and other siblings and have done before but i worry about if things ever progress and potential families come across them and might view me in the same light by association. I want to keep interaction with them very minimal in future events for this reason.

I fear good potentials might pass up once they find out the sibling dynamic. I don’t think childhood and upbringing plays a part because all my other siblings are fine and have the same concerns too.

Any advice for anyone who have been in similar situations? 

I trust Allah with my rizq and if what is meant for me will be. It’s just the unavoidable judgement in the future even when you might become married