This is something Iāve been struggling with a lot lately, and I honestly donāt really know how to explain it.
Iām a woman and a feminist. I donāt consciously believe women are inferior to men, but lately Iāve been realizing that, on a deeper emotional level, I think I kind of do.
Iāve recently gotten into Muay Thai, and Iām genuinely excited about it. I want to get really good, train seriously, maybe even compete someday. But being in a gym surrounded by men who fight has been bringing up feelings I wasnāt expecting.
I look at these guys who are so strong, skilled, and confident, and I feel this overwhelming sense of inferiority. I know men are generally physically stronger than women, and I keep getting stuck on the fact that even if I train for years and become genuinely good, a man at my experience level might still have a significant physical advantage over me. I know fighting isnāt just about strength, but I canāt seem to get past this feeling.
Itās not even just about fighting. I think Iām struggling with the idea of being a woman in general. I hate knowing that people might perceive me as inferior, objectify me, underestimate me, or see me as someone they could physically overpower. I hate the uncertainty of not knowing what men are thinking about me or whether theyāre actually respectful people. Sometimes I genuinely wish I were a man, not because I necessarily want to be one, but because I wish I could have the physical capabilities and sense of security I associate with being male.
I think some of this is connected to a complicated history with a man who made me feel powerless. Seeing men who train to become stronger and more capable has made me think about how they might be able to defend themselves against someone who hurt them, while I feel like I could train for years and still not be able to defend myself against a much larger man.
The worst part is that Iām starting to sabotage something I genuinely love because of these feelings. Iāve gotten so anxious about being in a gym with men that Iāve felt physically sick just thinking about it. Iāve even frozen up and cried when trying to hit a punching bag. I start imagining the worst possible scenarios and canāt seem to calm myself down.
I also have other passions, like painting, where I can completely forget about my gender and just exist. But in Muay Thai, gender feels impossible to ignore. Iām constantly comparing myself to men and feeling like Iāll never be on the same level.
Iām starting to wonder whether Iāve internalized misogyny so deeply that Iām projecting my own beliefs onto men and assuming they see me as inferior because, somewhere inside, I see myself that way.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? Especially women who participate in male-dominated sports or martial arts? How did you work through it?
I donāt want to give up something I love, and I donāt want to spend my life feeling lesser because Iām a woman. I just donāt know how to stop feeling this way, even though intellectually I know better.
TL;DR: Iām a feminist, but I struggle with feeling inherently inferior to men because of physical strength. Iāve started Muay Thai and want to become genuinely skilled, but Iām constantly comparing myself to male fighters and feeling like Iāll never be on equal footing, no matter how hard I train. It makes me feel vulnerable, unsafe, and sometimes even wish I were a man. I think some of this may be connected to past trauma and internalized misogyny. Has anyone else experienced this, and how did you work through it?