39m and 45f issues. Unique. Anyone?

[u/MutedPresentation298]

So I 39m have been seeing 45f for a little over a year, we’ve met several times. We’ve had really tough communication issues and conflict resolution is almost non existent. She generally is heavily avoidant and will go do tasks instead of communicate with me in any timely manner, sometimes multiple days and attempts.

I was going to fly out for our 1 year for the weekend. We had talked about it, a little over a week after talking about it, she made plans with her ex husband (share a child) and didn’t tell me til last minute, so I was forced to cancel. She knew for 3 weeks her plans that day, and didn’t tell me.

We had talked about her moving and I would fly out to help her with it all. Hence the weekend visit plan since I was coming back shortly to help for a longer time. The following day after snubbing our plans she asked if her ex husband could stand in my place instead, devaluing and disregarding my efforts I offered many times.

I got upset. I told her to download a dating app or get with her ex husband if I’m going to be pushed aside constantly. She’s weaponized him against me many times and brought our relationship issues to him. But won’t sit with me and resolve anything.

She also randomly goes over to his house and says nothing before hand or really anything, acts sneaky and distant.

Issue: she downloaded hinge to upset me, but deleted it and told me. We laughed since I egged it on but I was still upset at the events of being set aside especially in place of him. I finally hooked my flight to help her move 2.5 weeks out. Upon showing up. A few days in, she slips up about having a dating app. Pictures dated a few weeks out from when she said she made the first one. Exclusive pics only meant for me as her main pics. Fully filled out looking for a long term partner. Folder full of likes. Despite the profile being on “pause”.

I was bothered, she made it sound like a joke but I saw it all and it made no sense to have all those likes in a few weeks if it was “paused”. The way it came out sounded like a slip. She said she wanted to delete it in front of me and waited to show me. She deleted it by deleting the app and pretending she didn’t know to remove the profile itself, after “deleting” it once before.

She apologized and tried to say everything to make it right but I don’t even know what to feel, she said she did it out anger but this is a second round, hidden, for weeks, knowing I was on my way up... Considering our communication is horrendous, she won’t open up to me anymore, hides from our issues, weaponized dating apps and him, disregarded our plans in favor of him several times. I don’t think I can trust her. How would you feel?

I am a few months away from moving 1200 miles starting a whole new life with her. I met her son (5) and her family. I just don’t understand all this.

[u/misogoop]

She doesn't really want to be with you. This is the opposite of how someone who loves and wants to be with someone behaves. Do not move.

[u/MutedPresentation298 → u/misogoop]

She threatens or even does self harm herself I fight with her about things, let alone try to leave, she tells me she’s never loved anyone like she does me, everything you can imagine. But this behavior follows

[u/Objective_Nevirka]

Do not move to her. The communication won’t get better in person, do you want to spend your life with an avoidant and a manipulator? Because that’s what she is. She’s manipulating you into thinking she loves you, but imo she’s just happy with your attention. She doesn’t even respect you enough to inform you about a change of plans as soon as she knows about it.

And seeing what you wrote in a comment here, that she threatens and does (does she really?) self harm because you argued… it’s a major 🚩and manipulation tactic to keep you around. Do not faal for that.