My (29M) Nevermet GF (35F) made comment about a man being “really nice and really handsome” while talking about her day, meeting her next month

[u/ImpossibleClothes892]

I met a woman from Canada a couple months ago on FB dating and we really hit it off. She is from a Japan, but moved to Canada a couple years ago for school and work. She’s recently ran into issues with her work and may have to move back home (for something that is out of her control).

Recently she wanted to come visit me in the US for a week in my hometown before her potential move back to Japan (she’s trying to stay in Canada though), which was quite surprising and caught me off guard to see her make plans for that. I was a bit hesitant about it at first, but ultimately agreed to it and requested off for work while she filled out her travel visa form, paying the application fee. We also had an exclusivity talk and moved towards making our relationship more official. I was quite appreciative of this effort as well as usually the guy visits first. We both just requested off work and got approved, but neither of us have paid for tickets/itinerary stuff yet.

We were talking about our day today and she mentioned she went to a restaurant with her friend and commented that the waiter was “really nice and super handsome”, which was pretty off-putting to hear and made me a bit upset. I suggested that she “should have gotten his number then” (I know, sounds jealous/petty/insecure but i was kind of upset) and that statement made me feel uncomfortable, and that it was strange and inconsiderate to bring that up. I also told her that while I understand that it’s normal to find other people attractive in a relationship, I don’t want to hear that from someone who I’m still getting to know and will be spending an entire week with pretty soon.

I’m now unsure about going forward with our trip next month and thinking about cancelling my time off request. She’s been trying to reassure me that she would never act on it, and that she wants to be in a relationship with me only and that she wouldn’t fly to see me if she wasn’t serious about us. Based on what I know about her, she doesn’t seem like a promiscuous type or somebody who would cheat that easily, but I still am a bit hurt by that statement, even if it was a mistake.

Ultimately I’ve been feeling a bit uneasy about this visit, even before this comment today. I was ultimately down for it but worried that the trip might not go well being with what is almost a stranger for a week and all, and after hearing this little remark I am now leaning towards calling it off, even if it does sound kind of extreme and insecure. I know everyone is different and everyone expresses themselves differently, but I feel quite odd about this situation at large.

TLDR: met GF online a couple months ago, she’s flying to see me for a week next month, tells me that a waiter she met today was “really nice and really handsome”, which upset me. Unsure if I want to spend a week with her now, left determining whether to commit to seeing her still or cancel

[u/Upset-Noise4361]

I definitely do not think that just the comment should be enough to call-off a trip and first time meeting. I do understand that, if you are a jealous person, the comment about the waiter probably hurt. However, these things can be discussed and boundaries can be set. If you have told her countless times before that you are not ok with her making these types of comments regarding other men and she continuously does it - then, this would be a big red flag because someone is ignoring your boundary.

I do understand that nobody desires hearing from their partner/love interest about their attractiveness for other people, but honestly, if she said that unfiltered comment to you, it does show that she is comfortable around you. As a girl, I share all my unfiltered comments with my boyfriend and he never gets jealous or insecure because there is an immense trust between us. We know each others' boundaries that should not be crossed and we do not cross them. So, talk to her, express your boundaries and I would truly suggest: don't take the comment to heart, unless there are other, more severe red flags.

[u/ImpossibleClothes892 → u/Upset-Noise4361]

That’s fair. To be honest, I think I also have been feeling a bit anxious/uneasy about us meeting next month and this comment from her made it so much worse. Like I almost felt a bit pressured into meeting her next month but after talking to her more I was a bit more at ease with it. Now I am really starting to question our compatibility with her saying this, even if she didn’t really mean for it to be genuine interest in seeing another man. I already got my time off approved but my gut tells me this meeting won’t go well

[u/Upset-Noise4361 → u/ImpossibleClothes892]

Then, it might be a bigger issue for you. The comment may have just triggered the insecurity you have been feeling. I would suggest for you give it a chance, the meeting could go well or bad. Even if the meeting does not go well, think of it as an experience to laugh about later. Also, having been in a long-distance relationship, I can tell you that sometimes people click in-person in a way that could never compare with how you two are online. I experienced this first-hand. Meeting her in-person may help you decide if you guys are compatible in-person which in my opinion, is far more important than over the phone.