19 vet student, tired of being lonely and pretending I'm fine (OCD, anxiety, lots of feelings)
Hi everyone. I'm 19, in my second year of vet school, and I'm writing this because I'm honestly tired of feeling alone.
I have OCD (I hid it for four years before I could finally get help) and anxiety, and I take medication for both. I also suspect I might have ADHD and some borderline traits, but nothing is diagnosed. My OCD is mostly intrusive thoughts and guilt. I replay things in my head, look for proof that I did something wrong, and feel the need to "review" my day before I can move on. It's exhausting.
My emotions are a rollercoaster. I'm talkative and I open up easily, but part of me is always waiting to be betrayed, so I regret it right after. I'm scared of being abandoned, of never being loved, and of getting bored once someone's affection is "guaranteed". As a kid I was the clown who loved making people react, and I think I still am, to hide how much I need to be seen and appreciated.
Home has never felt warm. I always had food and a roof, but love felt conditional, and I think that's why I chase approval so much.
I've had two relationships with girls. One was on and off, with someone who kept leaving and coming back, and I got hurt a lot. The other was short and ended because my OCD was at its worst. I stayed "just friends" with both while still having feelings, held on to resentment, and lashed out when I was hurting. I'm tired of this pattern and want to learn healthier boundaries.
At school I did well in first year, but I feel like a fraud. I feel like I've forgotten everything and will be incompetent later. I also worry about finding a job after graduating.
What I love: anime (Bleach, Hunter x Hunter), phonk, gacha games, running, and deep conversations about life, morality and dreams. I'm bi and an atheist.