Hi all, I've lurked on this sub for some time now and getting to a point where I desperately need advice specific to my situation. I'm having trouble figuring out how to establish boundaries with my MIL whom I rely on/need help from.

For background, my MIL will give the silent treatment (editing to add, often accompanied with passive-aggressive commentary) while in my house and watching my children. If/when we establish boundaries, she makes it incredibly awkward/uncomfortable for me. If I listed everything she's done/said to me over the years, I'd be here all day. But just know, she has no self awareness, and habitually inserts unsolicited advice/opinions when it comes to my kids or just our lives in general. I have a hard time standing up for myself and she drones on and on about topics I disagree with or have no interest in (especially political beliefs). I know this is a "Me" problem that I need to fix, as she's almost 80 and won't change at this point.

The issue is, I need her help with my kids occasionally, as my kids (5 & 2) are comfortable with her, she is retired and lives right up the road, and will come at the drop of a hat if needed. My parents live an hour away and still work 9-5. No siblings or other people we can rely on are nearby.

On a separate note, despite seeing us often, and despite us taking her on our vacations (mostly for a sitter so my husband and I can get out alone occasionally), she expects to come everywhere with us - trick or treating, Thanksgiving - and caused a fight this summer when she wasn't invited to Mother's Day or Father's Day (where we did just daytrips with just my husband, me, and the kids). Last year we didn't go to Christmas at my SIL's (her daughter) because we traveled Christmas Eve and it was just too much for us 2 days in a row. She told me she was offended she wasn't invited to my brother's son's first birthday party. These are just a few examples. And I'll note she has 2 other children, one of whom doesn't speak to her, and the other who knows she's the worst but deals with it like we do. (Personally, if she was my mom, I would cut her off).

She is widowed, lives in a big house that needs maintenance (ie, my husband), and my husband would never just cut her off -- however he does get really upset on my behalf, and sticks up for me and has been vocal with her in the past, but she takes it out on me (silent treatment or just overtly blaming me) so I often tell my husband not to say anything just to keep the peace. But this is really starting to ruin my inner peace.

Any help/advice would be appreciated.

My MIL planned my FIL’s 75th birthday party two states away directly during my son’s nap time. I said I would leave him home to be with my father so my husband & I and our 4 year old can make the 5 hr trip and engage in the 11am-2pm brunch she setup. She has reached out 6 more times and guilt tripped my husband into bringing my son anyways even though I don’t find this beneficial for a newly turned two year old to drive 5 hrs just to take a nap.

As a background, my MIL heavily oversteps boundaries, considers when I say “no” to her questions as something she can change (she calls it the squeaky wheel- she keeps squeaking until she gets what she wants) and I constantly did sleepovers and trips with my sons for years and I can’t handle it anymore. I’m actually ready to divorce my husband because he only ever does what’s best for his mom.

Some more background- we all had the stomach bug right before Easter this year and I hoped his family would say “stay home and feel better!” Nope, I got a text saying “make sure you get here early as it’s going to rain”- brought my one year old in a sling where he clearly felt terrible ALL DAY but I get manipulated constantly “what if it’s my grandparents last Easter”? Meanwhile my entire young motherhood experience is so stressful and managing other peoples feelings instead of mine and my young children.

Labor Day weekend I had been sick and my MIL called my husband to come to our home and hop in the car with them (and leave me home) so she could help drive my husband and kids to sleepover her house. She’s also at our house regardless every other week for a full 8hr day - and I pay for full time daycare. It’s tricky because I want them to see their grandparents but being in my home and overstaying your parents welcome and knowing I’ll be asked again to go to CT gets me all stressed out!

I did 10 trips to their state the year my first son was born and I’ve been slowly rolling out the boundaries as I own my own small business and am a mom of two young boys but I can’t handle this woman stepping on my toes and my husband only doing what’s best for her.

I can’t figure out if I’m ranting at this point or asking for advice- I went to a therapist when I was last pregnant because of her and she just told me simply to say no to invites but it’s becoming a huge issue where my husband says I’m a problem and it’s not a big deal for his parents to see his children.

My oldest daughter is 8. Since she was 3, she has had a few extracurriculars that included her grandma showing up for her. Whether it was a dance recital or a musical theater show, she’d occasionally go. Everything was closer to her, so it wasn’t hard for us or her.

We moved 20 min away and there’s a freeway that will get me to her or her to me. And she doesn’t drive freeways. She’s 60, but has never driven a freeway, even at 20. She’s afraid of a lot of things, freeways are one of those things.

Anyway, it upset me that she said she’s shown up for my daughter enough. But I just don’t think that’s relevant for my daughter. My kid remembers NOW who is showing up for her NOW and that’s building her self confidence: The fact that she can count on her family.

Now my mil is married to my husband’s dad. My FIL never shows up for his grandkids. One reason is because he talks a lot of crap on his own ethnicity and the fact that we live in a dominantly white, well off area, he feels inferior. That’s the best way I can put it. I’ve noticed through the years when he sees a lot of white people in wealthy areas, he feels uncomfortable. I can’t remember the last time he showed up for my daughter other than the first time where he looked around and saw who he saw and never went again. And I’ve noticed he is a little bit of a bully towards her in the sense that instead of building her up, he “teases” her. His logic is he’s preparing her for the real world, but what I see is her feeling like if her grandpa is making fun of her for something, then a kid at school does too, then it must be true.

My husband says his dad never really showed up for him or his siblings and he didn’t even go to his daughter’s birth because he “had to go to work.”

He’s the kind of guy that doesn’t want to feel like he’s idling around, but I’d hate to be my MIL.

After my husband said this to me, I feel like I shouldn’t invite them to anything anymore. I want to just watch their efforts, if any.

I have the opposite in my husband. He shows up. He’ll move things around with work. But I’m starting to realize that my husband doesn’t expect much from his dad. He loves and respects the guy, as he is a good guy, but he’s just the kid of guy who wants to just be left alone to work or spend hours at Home Depot. He’s not the “I’m always on your side” kind of guy.

It’s heartbreaking. But all I can do from now on is just watch them and their efforts or lack thereof.

So this is where it's starts.

Me and my boyfriend of 3 years were living at an Apartment complex which got to be pretty expensive. His mom was moving out to live with her boyfriend and offered us the chance to potentially purchase her house from her once her two daughters move out. Until then we would be paying 1,000 each month for rent to live there in the mean time.

This apparently would be beneficial to us because it's cheaper than 1,500 a month and we did not have to pay utilities. However we would be sharing the space with my boyfriends two sisters. One I get along with, the other at the time I did not like but also did not dislike.

This benefited his mother because she would not have the mortgage on her hand and would just have to worry about utilities. The utilities she claimed would be paid by her two daughters mind you.

At first it was okay, his one sister (B- I will refer to as) would just ignore us. She would not acknowledge us. This got worse about 6 months in. It got to a point where I dreaded coming home. We would only stay in the bedroom as we were uncomfortable being around her. She constantly made snarky remarks, and would just have a terrible attitude.

I decided to contact his mom and let her know that this living situation was not going to work for us. I stated that B was making us very uncomfortable. I told her I would be looking for apartments as I no longer could live like this. She pulled B out to join our conversation and it only went downhill. B was defensive, refused to sit and talk. She stood the whole time, and took every little concern we made as a personal attack.

His mom asked that we try to get along and felt that this conversation went well. I told her I would try, but of course things stayed the same. Two weeks later nothing changed and she continued with her attitude. Only now it was worse thanks to that unnecessary conversation.

Again I contacted his mom and informed her we were no longer going to live there and would be moving out October 1st.

I figured this would not be an issue as her two daughters were in the house and until then did not pay rent or utilities as she had originally stated. Her two daughters by the way are in their twenties with stable income.

She proceeded to send me a paragraph of how disappointed she was in us for deciding this so soon without trying. How she did this to help us and how she took a Sabbatical with the idea we would be paying the rent. She stated "This would affect her greatly financially".

I replied with an apology that this inconvenienced her, but that her two daughters living there could pay the rent instead.

I told her I could not live in a place that was not my home, and where I felt uncomfortable coming to after a hard day at work. It was affecting my boyfriend and I's relationship. It was affecting my mental state and daily mood. It was not worth it for me. And my boyfriend felt the same also. He was constantly annoyed and upset with the whole situation and even stated that he had moved out originally to get away from his sister, B.

She did not care. She ignored everything I said and continued to say how this was was going to affect HER. Still she refused to charge her daughters and she blames us for her having to pay the rent now herself. (her mortgage)

There's even more after this but it's A LOT to get into. So I will ask. Am I being dramatic in no longer wanting to be involved with his family? I tried to summarize the best I could, still it's long😭.

My boyfriend blocked his mom and sister, and as of now I have avoided any outing they invite us to.

I decided to remain no contact until my husband asked her to apologize in June.

For those who didn’t see my previous post, I had sent her a warm message thanking her for my birthday card, briefly addressing how her silence following my response to her apology card in June had left things feeling unfinished, and expressing that I wanted us to move forward rather than continue revisiting the past.

After two days, she finally responded:

“Sorry I’m so late responding. Yes, I received your message and think I understand where you were coming from. I really didn’t feel like I needed to respond back. I too would like to move forward! I hate the awkwardness.”

And somehow, I think I’m more irritated by her response than I was by the silence.

It’s specifically the “I really didn’t feel like I needed to respond back” that rubbed me the wrong way. I had been vulnerable, warm, and intentional about extending an olive branch, despite having plenty of reasons not to. I wasn’t expecting a lengthy apology or some grand gesture. I just wanted acknowledgment that she’d heard and understood me.

To me, her response felt dismissive, almost as though she didn’t understand why acknowledging my message mattered in the first place. And saying she hates the awkwardness doesn’t really address what caused it.

My husband understands why I’m bothered, although he suggested she may have overthought my original message or simply not known how to respond. I can acknowledge that’s possible, but it doesn’t change how her actual response landed with me.

At this point, I feel like I’ve done more than enough to try to repair the relationship. Someone on my previous post suggested gray rocking, and honestly, I think that’s the most I’m willing to offer going forward. I can be polite and cordial when necessary, but I have no desire for a meaningful relationship.

I’m not interested in preventing my husband from having a relationship with his parents, and I’m not saying I’ll never be in the same room as her. But I’m also not comfortable welcoming them into our home or pretending everything is fine simply because she says she wants to move forward.

I’m genuinely curious whether I’m reading too much into her wording. Does her response seem dismissive to anyone else, or am I allowing my frustration with the history of our relationship to influence how I’m interpreting it?

And for those who suggested gray rocking on my previous post, I’d love to hear how that has worked for you in practice

My wife is pregnant as we speak, now 17 weeks, and we hope to welcome a beautiful little girl by the end of March! I'm super excited to welcome her into our lives! Naturally my parents and her parents are happy as well, it'll be their first time becoming grandparents. But my wife's parents, especially her mother, are taking things a tad too far.

Today we went shopping for some necessities like a crib, furniture, some first baby clothes and all that. My wife's parents said they wanted to pay for the baby room furniture and my parents are going to pay for the stroller. We didn't ask for this but it's a nice gesture.

Anyhow, when we were at the store, we walked around looking at all sorts of stuff, my MIL was always ahead and acting like she was the one that had to pick all this stuff. When an employee came to tell us some information regarding mattresses my MIL stood in front of me spewing things like "Back in our time we didn't have all of this" or "What would you advice for my granddaughter"? I felt super ignored by her and almost aa if she was the one that was going to be the parent, not me.

When looking at clothes for our girl she was also browsing and constantly picking out things, showing it to my wife (not to me) and then either putting it on the cart or putting it back. Everything we picked out she would comment "Hmmm I don't know if I like that" or "She'll outgrow it pretty quickly, I wouldn't waste money on that".

Don't get me completely wrong here, I don't wanna be the guy that says "Gimme your credit card and wait in the car". She can be excited to become a grandma, of course. I won't stop any of our parents to be excited. But there's a line between being excited and being too excited. And she is definitely too excited!

At the end of the shopping spree, she ended up with a fuller cart and car then us. We bought some clothes, a small book and a small matress to put you baby on to change the diaper (no idea what the English word for that is). She on the other hand bought clothes, that same matress, a high chair, a playpen, multiple clothes and a dresser. It felt like we went shopping for someone else's kid. When we got to the car I waa baffled.

So tell me straight, am I overreacting? I've had a similair thing when we got our dog around a year ago and she went and bought a dog bed, all sorts of toys even though our dog was only staying at their place once a week since me and my wife had to work till late. I feel like, with a daughter, I will become even more agitated and angry. It feels like she wants to claim our daughter, who's now unborn, for herself and doesn't even care about me.

Edit: Seems like some people are confused on wether or not MIL bought furniture for her house or our house. Allow me to explain. She bought furniture for our daughter's room for our house like a crib, closet, and dresser which will be delivered to our house around January. She bought all the other stuff I mentioned for her own house, so the matress, a high chair, a playpen, multiple clothes and a dresser. And she wants to go to IKEA soon (with us) to buy more stuff, god knows what. Which is funny as out daughter will only spend 1 day a week at their house.

Long time lurker here! My MIL is honestly not a just no, she’s great but I feel like everything can change once babies arrive. I had my baby girl September 2025 and my MIL was a great support unlike my mom who is truly a Just No. We were triple feeding at the beginning so my MIL got to bottle feed a bit and obviously the potato newborns let everyone hold them. Everything was pretty good until my baby got older. We weren’t bottle feeding anymore cause she refused and was exclusively on boob, so my MIL would make little comments about “oh maybe mom will let me give you a bottle” or “I wish I could feed her.” I ignored this and figured it was probably hard not getting to do the bottle feeding like she did at the beginning.

Also want to give some backstory that my husband’s sister, husband, and three kids all live at my in laws and my MIL is definitelyyy a primary caregiver to them. I think she brings some of these expectations to her relationship with my daughter (even though we live in a different state for one, but also do not need a co parent)

Anyways. The last few months of my daughter’s first year she is very attached to me and big stranger danger feels. Which is NORMAL.
But my MIL got super butthurt that my daughter is more selective and won’t just let anyone hold her anymore. Hello, she’s not a newborn. So there came a lot more passive sad comments about her attachment to me, making it seem like it’s a bad thing or framing it as her wanting to “help.” For instance, my daughter was fussing in her stroller so I put her in our sling wrap and she was fine, and my MIL looked at me so sadly and said “I wish I would hold her FOR you.” I just laughed it off and said “I LIKE getting to wear her and feel close to her.”

So the comments were adding up every visit and just making me feel like my attachment with my daughter is an obstacle to her relationship.
There was even a couple jabs hinting my race wasn’t enough?
I’m half Mexican so my daughter is a quarter. There’s been a couple instances where my MIL has “joked” she’s more Mexican than me because she actually lived in Mexico as a child or that my daughter is “more like an 1/8” with a smirk. I’m really not sure the intent behind these. I think they come from a place to be hurtful or diminish my connection with my daughter that she doesn’t share? My daughter really looks like my husband so I feel like any trait or interest that comes from me, my MIL tries to diminish or tie to her side.

I really don’t think she has had bad intent, just gets to play mommy with my nieces and nephew so expected that same level of needing and closeness with my daughter. And probably subconsciously thinks diminishing my attachment will help grow hers. My husband agreed, fully supports my attachment with my daughter, and encouraged me to share with his mom so we can move forward in a better way.

Last night I sent the text I’d been sitting on for a bit and just wanted to express everything I was feeling:

Me: Hi MIL,
There’s some thoughts I’ve been sitting with for a while but wasn’t sure how to share. I wrote it out, but I wanted to give you a heads-up before sending it so it doesn’t come completely out of the blue and want to make sure it’s a good time.

MIL: It’s a good time. I’ve been feeling that something is off for a little while and would love to have it cleared up.

Me: The last few visits, I’ve felt like I’ve needed to keep my guard up a little because it feels like as LO’s gotten older, there’s been comments about her attachment to me that have made me feel uncomfortable. It feels like there’s a subtle tone almost lamenting or putting down how close she is to me. It makes me feel like my bond with her is an obstacle for you, which makes our attachment a bad thing. DH and I love and celebrate how close LO and I are, and I don’t want to feel like I need to apologize for something we see as a good thing.

When you visit I’ve tried really hard to make sure you get to be a part of the “fun” baby stuff like bathtime and things like that, but sometimes it feels even all that isn’t enough for what you want your relationship with LO to be. And that hurts cause I do try really hard to make you feel involved.
I know how involved you are in SIL’s kids’ lives, and I think naturally when you live with someone and are part of their day to day from literally day 1, that relationship is going to look different than your relationship with your grandchild that lives in a different state or even just not the same home.
I know you love her and want to feel close to her, and I want that for you, too. I just think it’s okay for that relationship to look different and grow in its own way.

Something else that’s been bothering me is the comments about me not being Mexican enough. When you joked that you were more Mexican than me and in a different instance commented that LO wasn’t even a quarter Mexican but “more like an 1/8,” with a smirk I was left wondering what you meant by those comments. They’ve stuck with me in a hurtful way..

With everything I know you probably didn’t intend it that way, and I want you to have a beautiful relationship with LO. I want us to be able to enjoy her together without any underlying competition or feeling like anyone needs to prove their place in her life.
These things have been weighing on me more than I’ve probably let on, and I don’t want to keep these feelings to myself. I care about you and our relationship, and I didn’t want to let this hurt build up without being honest with you about it. ♥️

MIL: Thank you for sending your thoughts and feelings. How about if I sit with them overnight and respond tomorrow? Please know that I love you so much, and want to be a positive influence in your life, your marriage and your relationship with your beautiful daughter.
I am over the moon happy that you feel comfortable enough to share your concerns with me. I know we will work things out.

So we’ll see how tomorrow goes, but I’m proud of myself for sending it and am hopeful we can move forward!

I told my mom that I was pregnant fairly early on (around 6 weeks) and asked both of my parents not to tell anyone yet as I wanted to wait until the 2nd trimester. Only a few days later, on a call with my mom she said she told my uncle about it (who my family is very close to, and who I would have liked to tell myself). When I got upset about this, she said “well Dad also told all of our friends” to shift the blame. I’m equally annoyed at both of them for this.

My uncle also accidentally told another family member (which I also blame my mom for, because he wouldn’t have known so early if it wasn’t for her).

I’ve had a hard time letting this go because this is my first pregnancy and the first trimester can be very hard and scary and I was so excited to share the news once I felt comfortable and really felt like she took something from me. She doesn’t seem to really be sorry and anytime I bring it up she says I need to get over it and “it was so long ago” (I’m only 17 weeks so it feels like it is still timely to me).

Should I stop bringing this up with her? I’m still hurt by it because she explicitly ignored my wishes and now seems to be disregarding my feelings about it.

Am I being crazy?

My son is 20 months old. I work from home and am never away from him, he is the light of my world and my only priority; but with other things in our lives lately, there has been a lot of pressure and stress on me and I’ve been really burnt out.

My partner wanted to do something nice for me/us, so he booked a trip for two nights to a spa a few hours away, like an early bday thing for me. He asked MIL if she would be able to come stay with our son at our place for those two nights.

I was a little hesitant, but she has babysat in the past, so I was trying to lean in and get used to the idea of trusting. I’ve never left him with someone for longer than a few hours, and always with family. I didn’t really want to, but I also thought it will be good for us so I was opening my mind to it.

Then my partner says his mom agreed and then she asked if her boyfriend could come. I was like, this changes things. Now it isn’t just MIL, it’s also a man I barely know in my house with my child when I am not there. I was not comfortable and my partner and I talked about my discomfort extensively. He said “he’s not going to be alone with (boyfriend), my mom will be there the whole time.” And I said, “yeah? So your mom won’t leave our son alone with boyfriend in any circumstance? Not to go take a shower? To take the dogs out? She won’t leave our son in the supervision of a man who is basically a stranger to us, PERIOD?”

My partner assured me that he had a conversation with his mom and that he made it clear that it was okay if he was there, but our son was to be in her care, exclusively, the entire time.

I was still uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to be that person who can’t trust their partner to lead. So I again leaned in to trusting because he wanted to and he was trusting.

Fast forward, we leave on the trip. On the way there, I text to check in on how our son is doing. My messages are not going through to MIL- just not being delivered, as if her phone is off. An hour and a half goes by, and my messages are still undelivered to her phone. Now I’m getting anxious.

We try calling. Straight to voicemail. Finally I track down boyfriend’s number from my partner’s brother and we call him. He tells MIL we’re trying to get in touch with her. Apparently her phone was on DND. Why?!

So after my partner talks to his mom, I text her saying “please leave your phone on because I’m really anxious being away from (my son) and I might want to check in from time to time 🙏🏻”
She’s like “yes I totally understand.”

We go out for dinner that night. Around my son’s bedtime I text to check in that everything went all right. She responds that all went well and she’s just taking the dogs out. I say to my partner, why is your mom taking the dogs out and leaving our son alone with boyfriend? You told me you made it clear to her that our son was not to be left alone with him because he’s like, a complete stranger to us?!

He says he did explain that to his mom. He says he’ll talk to her.

Her phone is again on DND. He says he’ll talk to her in the morning.

I trust him to do so.

The last morning of our trip rolls around, and in conversation with MIL when checking in on my son, it becomes clear to me that she has been regularly leaving my son in her boyfriend’s supervision to walk the dogs, shower, etc.

I tell my partner and ask him, did you not talk to your mom about this again to clarify that this is NOT to be happening? He says he forgot.

I have been trying to get through to her phone regarding some texts she sent me about my dog being sick, and her phone is on DND AGAIN.

I’m feeling so pissed and like my trust just feels majorly violated. Why are you leaving my son alone with a man I don’t know?! Like why on earth would you do that? And why are you constantly turning your phone on DND so I can’t even get through to you when I am away from my child for the first time ever?

I just feel like these are such inconsiderate (AT BEST) behaviours, just super disrespectful and violating. Am I overreacting?

I feel like I just don’t trust her anymore and will definitely not be doing anything like this again.

So a little backstory (might be on my profile I don’t know) but my JNMIL is married to registered Sex offender who molested a child years ago. They lied and gaslit my husband and his sister into this alternate version of events - he was sleepwalking and it was an accident. Whatever - we got the original police report and know the truth now. We’ve been NC for over a decade now.

Recently our state removed 20,000 Sex offender from the registry including my step father in law and when I read the article I was like “she’ll be reaching out soon to rewrite history” and last night the text came

Like he’s still a monster! He still did it! He isn’t suddenly innocent I don’t care what they hear at their pedo supporting church.

I told my husband he’s free to talk to her, it’s his mom but under no circumstances is she to get info on our kids or where we live. She’ll never lay eyes on my children again

She’s just so predictable and sad

Today is my anniversary and this dingus called and asked my hubby to take her to lunch. He shut it down immediately and asked why would he take her out on our anniversary. She played dumb like she had no idea despite coming to the party we threw last week. I can't.

We have been no contact with MIL for a couple of years now. I have posted here several times. She flew off the handle when my son was a newborn because we asked her not to kiss him (NICU baby, almost died) and basically just went bat shit crazy and said he was dead to her and a bunch of other terrible stuff. We have maintained a relationship with 2/3 of his sisters despite no relationship with MIL / FIL / other SIL.

My husband’s grandmother passed away about a month ago and after waffling about it he chose to go to the funeral. It was hours out of town so myself and our son did not attend. After arriving his mom immediately cornered him and was like “oh your grandmother hoped this would happen!” (What??? That she would die? Just because he came to a funeral doesn’t mean you’re reconciled that’s not what’s happening.) she basically just kept cornering my husband the entire time and just kept saying stupid things like that. He went to the men’s room and she literally waited outside the bathroom for him so he wouldn’t be able to just pay his respects and leave!

She said that she hopes she can have a relationship with him and our son. Pretended the entire time like I don’t exist. Invited him and our son to Thanksgiving (we’re Canadian so this past weekend). He felt very angry because she kept doing that, saying “you and child, you and child” acting like he wasn’t even married.

Anyways so this past weekend his one sister texted him and said I hope you come to Thanksgiving, everyone will be here and you can see them. He did not respond or Go. He has not reconciled at all with his mom or the SIL that cut us off when we went NC with MIL. She’s never even apologized. Also it was at MIL’s house which is not a happy place for him as the last time he was there she screamed at him for 35 mins straight.

So now the two sisters that we did still keep in contact with have gone cold. The one didn’t even bother telling us she was in town. I suspect it’s because MIL assumed that they were good and he didn’t come to thanksgiving with our son so they’re pissed. They’re literally the most toxic family in the world. I’m the type of person that would confront about this, but my husband is sort of lax. Just venting my MIL is such a matriarch and has her flying monkeys it’s so frustrating.