They tricked us out of the funeral

[u/kidnappedgoddess]

Peanut butter toast, sweet plain lassi, 1mg estrogen gel

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH, SUICIDE, TRANSPHOBIA

Prequel: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/MFblgLMgVa

My breakfast, eaten alone with my anger, at dawn.

They had the cerimony. They buried her with the wrong name, the wrong dresses, the wrong face.

She was a transgender woman. They didn't accept her, and wasn't out with all of them, their religious family, because of fear. But she is beyond fear now. She didn't need to hide anymore. They forced her to. Again.

We went in droves. The straights, the respectables, the Catholics, where an handful. We drove from far away for her, we came in trains and cars, we put together resources and we outnumbered them, by much. We brought her true story, her true name, wrote on flowery crowns and slips of paper. We honored her memory.

And the family, the pitiful, devout, family, they tricked us. They told us we were welcome, they hoped to see us, because you couldn't do otherwise. But when our friend body left the church for the crematory, they gave us the wrong address, they sent us on a wild goose chase in a city many of us didn't really know.

Because we were embarrassing. Because in their temple and in public we were forced by social norms to be quiet, to not rise our voices. But in the crematory we would have been able to speak, to be seen, to be counted. The name we carried with us would have been read, and that would have been... Embarrassing.

So they tricked us, and we couldn't go.

We held our cerimony, we deposed our wreaths and slips of papers in a park, far from her.

They denied us our last goodbye, out of spite, out of cruelty, out of valuing their social standing more than their daughter life and death.

We will not stand for this. We will go back. We will change the name, with hammer and chisel if we have to. We will have our and our sister's dignity back.

[u/theboomboxeffect]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for this happening.

As a funeral director, i absolutely hate it when this happens, and I know it happens a lot more than we realise. Rest assured that she knows you wanted her to be laid to rest as her true identity. She knows your love for her and your need for justice.

My thoughts are with you.

[u/kidnappedgoddess → u/theboomboxeffect]

Fun fact. We have a mortuary operator among us. They instantly knew what happened and helped us reconstructing the facts and understanding the whole dynamic and the fact that it couldn't possibly be an honest and understandable miscommunication error from the shocked family

[u/theboomboxeffect → u/kidnappedgoddess]

It rarely is. They're just spiteful cowards who couldn't even stand for their decision and lied to you.

[u/A_Punk_Girl_Learning]

I'm so fucking sorry. My greatest fear is being buried under my deadname.

I hope she's at peace now.

[u/BeautifulChaosEnergy → u/A_Punk_Girl_Learning]

Get a will planned out and your final wishes written up. And put a trusted friend or two in charge for when the end comes

There are way to make sure you are buried the way you want to be buried

Talk with your local funeral home, they’ll know where you need to start to make sure are laid to rest the way you want

[u/PresentHouse9774 → u/A_Punk_Girl_Learning]

Can you pre-plan enough so that the ones who would bury you under your deadname would have to pay extra to do it? Never underestimate the power of a fait accompli that takes money and energy to undo.

[u/Para_The_Normal]

May that “mother” get the comeuppance she deserves.

[u/readzalot1]

What a shame for those of you who loved her. It surely was shocking and devastating for you all.

When you can, maybe on the anniversary of her death, you can all have a memorial ceremony of your own, say her name and set a spot where you can go to remember her.

[u/BufferingJuffy]

There are no words for this kind of grief and anger. I'm so sorry for you and your community's loss. Your friend may have been buried under her dead name, but she lives forever in your hearts. May her memory be a blessing, and wishing you all comfort. 💜

[u/Jmrovers]

She knows you were there. She knows what you did. Thank you. I’m sorry the world is so awful.

[u/AnalysisFearless8613]

Are u fr going to chisel it, i think u should plan for it

[u/xoStrawberries → u/AnalysisFearless8613]

Plan for what? Getting arrested and leaving themselves vulnerable to worse anti-trans harassment? Surely there are more reasonable ways to honor the deceased, like starting a charity in her name, or commissioning a memorial stone.

[u/AnalysisFearless8613 → u/xoStrawberries]

Sometimes when there are too much emotion involved people dont give a fuck and they dont care or dont have the money for charity starting and comissioning

[u/kidnappedgoddess → u/AnalysisFearless8613]

I don't have much money. But I have a workshop full of tools.

[u/fauxbigbro → u/xoStrawberries]

Maybe let people mourn in their own ways. It's a little disrespectful and you're not OP's lawyer.

[u/xoStrawberries → u/fauxbigbro]

Disrespectful for not wanting someone to get busted for defacing a headstone they didn't pay for? Really?

[u/fauxbigbro → u/xoStrawberries]

If someone is upset and genuinely hurt and is processing that anger, do you think a random internet commenter saying, "No, you'll get arrested" is going to come across as anything other than condescending and rude?

[u/OrangeNarcolepsy]

Funerals are for the living. They're for loved ones to remember and mourn. Even so, it's a damn shame she couldn't have people who cared about her there with her. It's a shame she had to be surrounded by self-righteous vultures when being laid to rest, instead of people who loved and respected her. 

On the up side, if you know the name she's buried under, you can find her and hold your own memorial. 

Probably don't do anything permanent to the headstone though as that would be considered defiling a grave without either authorization from the cemetary, the legal plot owner or her next of kin. 

[u/korrako → u/OrangeNarcolepsy]

legal vs right ya know? one is supposed to give to the other

[u/OrangeNarcolepsy → u/korrako]

Yeah but we don't live in that kind of world. And trans folk don't need to be out defiling graves, even if it is with good reason. They get enough hate as it is. 

An alternative solution would be to get a sturdy, heavy duty kind of basket - maybe a stone one or something they have for graveyards - and have her name on that. Place that by the headstone with flowers and whatnot inside it. 

[u/korrako → u/OrangeNarcolepsy]

Hi im trans folk, and I would hope, beg that someone loved me enough that they would do this, so I dont have to rest forever under part of a personal hell

[u/fauxbigbro]

You were the family that gave her the funeral and the love and respect she deserved. Those assholes just shared DNA with her.

Thank you for being her real family. I'm so sorry you were treated like that.

[u/Saturnite282]

My own mother did pretty much the exact same to me with my brother's deathbed/funeral because I'm trans. People like that are filth. Spiteful and cowardly. She knows what matters, and is with you always.

[u/bugg_meat]

you did the right thing. you're going to continue to do so. the love she has for you all .. I can't even begin to imagine it. you are her soul tribe and she will never truly leave your hearts.

[u/feminine_eventuality]

I’m sorry for your loss. Fuck that family. Good luck with the chisel, and don’t get caught. I fear that might need to not be a one time thing. And most of all, thank you for being there for her.

[u/July_snow-shoveler]

❤️❤️❤️🫂

[u/Altruistic-Heron-648]

So sorry for your loss, may she RIP. Yeah, go back and change her name.

This is why I'm making sure my body is never found.

[u/TheRoadkillRapunzel]

I am SO, so sorry.

If you can, it might be healing for you to hold a memorial of your own, surrounded by people who loved her and would never deadname her.

[u/One-Organization970]

Nothing disgusts me more than a hateful family spitting on their child's corpse.

[u/abbiinsocks]

Truly despicable behaviour, no one should be turned away from a funeral. No one deserves a family who treats their memory this way.

[u/monarchmra]

We will not stand for this. We will go back. We will change the name, with hammer and chisel if we have to. We will have our and our sister's dignity back.

<3

[u/GuavaOk4995]

I am so sorry, the family's actions are truly unforgivable. I had a friend whose family did similar, I'm always thinking about how much they missed out on by not really knowing him and not listening to all the beautiful stories his friends told when we held our own memorial 💜